>the players are tasked with procuring a monstrous concubine for the Duke
>>44907055
"No, that sucks, we don't want to do that."
>>44907095
>the players are tasked with escaping the Duke's prison cells
>>44907174
"Aw yiss, fuck da police!"
>>44907055
>one line bait thread XDDD i hope nobody derails into porn shit XDDDD
>>44907205
>the players are tasked with navigating back to >>>/reddit/
>>44907204
" I roll to see if I can escape the DM's magical realm!"
Rolled 3 (1d20)
>>44907294
O Fortuna, don't fail me now!
>>44907055
I find a local whore to polymorph, collect reward and leave the area.
>>44907293
There are multiple porn boards shitter go fuck off there.
>>44907327
looks like you're trapped in gay sex with the GM
>>44907379
According to /pol/ I can get away with decapitating faggots if I convert to Islam, so I guess that's my next move.
My guy bro fist the Duke for having high quality taste.
Rolled 8 (1d20)
>>44907363Rolling to resist gaining a new fetish
>>44907413
>the Duke orders you to decapitate yourself
>>44907055
>>44907457
I obey none but Allah! Allahu akbar!
>>44907495
"The dm's magical realm grows ever stronger! We approach NSFW boundaries! We must escape before it is too late!"
>>44907496
>the Duke is descended from Ali and can lawfully claim the title of Caliph
>>44907537
He has abandoned Allah's teachings! Allahu akbar!
>>44907600
>Sunnis
How does it feel being the 9gag of Islam?
>>44907629
Feels Allahu akbar!
>>44907516
>>44907684
>>44907413
>Allah shines a beam of light from Heaven and orders you to decapitate yourself, faggot
>>44907629
> That sensation when a bunch of prissy mids wandering around the Sahara are the only true Muslims as everyone else has gotten Cult of personality crazed and jerky.
> That sensation when Islamic civilization is dead, and some bundlefucks from a toppled dictatorship are attempting to Frankenstein it.
> That sensation when Muslims are worse with idolatry then the actual heretics.
If the prophet climbed out of the rocks at Jerusalem I imagine he'd just try to crawl back in. Or become a crazy old cat guy and move to Argentina.
>>44907990
Who are these prissy mids who are apparently doing it right? You make me curious.
Sort of similar situation where our employer wanted something really exotic and strange in his small harem to show off to his friends/rivals.
We ended up getting finding this really creepy deep dwelling semi-aquatic underdark humanoid mammal that was quite dangerous and hard to catch and we lost several guys in the effort. No one knew what the fuck it was and keeping her was even harder because of her rather specific diet, water and temperature needs, and sensitivity to light. After awhile we felt bad for her and didn't think she'd be treated well by our employer so instead we just found an anthro bipedal giraffe woman and pawned that off instead. He was none the wiser and happy nonetheless so we succeeded without turning over the deep monster.
In the end we kept her because we couldn't return and didn't want to just let her go. Better than our employer I guess since we spent the high prices to take care of her, and eventually one of the party settled for her.
>>44908129
>eventually one of the party settled for her.
And that my friends, is stockholms syndrome at work for the poor girl.
>>44908204
I'll be honest, I'm not even sure how sapient she was. When we found her she was basically like a monster in behavior, as I imagine the rest of her kind were, and even after as much time and effort as we devoted to trying to civilize her, she still behaved as a stereotypical caveman, or cavewoman rather.
>>44908129
>really creepy deep dwelling semi-aquatic underdark humanoid mammal that was quite dangerous and hard to catch
So, a drow?
>>44908403
No it was more like I want to say those things from The Descent, but much bigger and more monstrous and tending towards water. Like they would dwell near the surface of deep underground bodies of water with their head hair resting on the water surface tangled with plant life and junk so that it looked like matts of water plants. If something disturbed, they'd jump out of the water to attack whatever it was or grab it and pull it in.
>>44908615
So you cleaned one of those things up enough that you thought 'hey, I'd put my dick in that' and raised it like a feral dog?
>>44908676
Our employer just wanted something wacky as fuck, if we brought him a cactus woman or something he'd still have dicked it at least once. In our case though, yeah we cleaned her up and tried to civilize her. After awhile got her to wear clothes, learn to speak pretty basically, and understand things that were not allowed like just attacking people and animals or stealing things. Eventually as I said, we basically got her to be like a civilized caveman in the "Hello. Am hungry. Want food." vein.
The settling down thing came about when overtime she noticed people in relationships and no others like her, and started to feel lonely and let us know. We felt bad for her but couldn't really remedy the situation, so the rogue whom she was the closest with made the effort to become her partner. They ended up pretty happy together, and eventually had disturbing half-breed children.
>>44908839
That's weird and mildly disgusting, reminds of the time I got turned on by cannibals in The Forest.
>>44907371
>the players are tasked with identifying underage users on the popular English Language Imageboard 4chan.org
>>44909377
You can usually spot by their fear of getting caught on a porn board so they try to goad blue boards into giving them shitty softcore porn to yank it to with offtopic shitposting threads like this one.
>>44909550
>the players desperately try to save face when someone blows them the fuck out
>>44907095
>"No, that sucks,
I think that's what he's looking for. Hop to.
>>44907055
>A local demon appears before the party, tempting them with some quest related info/items if they perform various, seemingly random and nonsensical things for him.
>>44912694
>mfw I have done this before.
Good times.
>>44912694
>the players receive emails offering them money if they make strange purchases and ship packages to certain locations
>>44912694
>>44913053
>>44907055
Important question: are they allowed to sample the choices first?
That may change things, a lot.
>>44907990
Don't go to Argentina anon, you may be in /tg/ but you still got some hope.
Argentinians are only worth their wallets, and that depends on their president.
>>44907055
>"I'm sorry, Duke, but she might be too tired after I visited her last night. Also I do not condone incest, she is your mother after all!"
Then proceed to use the forbidden technique: Thousand-League Steps to Freedom outta his court.
>>44913834
B-but...Argentina is a white caucasoid nation.
>>44907055
>Procuring concubines for others
How much of a fucking omega one must be to not hunt pussy for oneself even in fantasies?
>>44915894
The things you're hunting don't have vaginas, so I guess the only pussy here is you ;^)
>Capture female clown
>Bring her to the Duke
>"Concubine? I thought you said honkubine!"
>Flee the castle
>>44907769
Are you sure that's not some sort of moon god?
I remind the DM that his mom's CR is too high for the party to take on.
>>44916139
Well since we're playing retro sci-fi, I'll exploit the prison by pointing out the DM's cells aren't developed properly due to the extra chrome zone.
>>44916104
Allah is a moon god you silly sausage
Why do you think the symbol of Islam is a crescent?
>>44907735
No male biting her?
>>44915462
Even so, they're still argentinians.
>>44916936
That'll be the duke in a bit
>>44916089
>The duke has no qualms with this result.
>>44907055
I fetch the Duke OP's mom.
>>44907174
KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL
MEAT!
GOBLET!
>>44907055
Option 1: Find Dryad. Transplant tree to Duke's gardens. Obtaining dryad cooperation is on the duke.
Option 2: We now have something to do when we inevitably come across a female noncombatant of a "monster" race (Orc, gnoll, w/e)
Option 3: Cast Planar Binding for a succubus. Collect reward. Leave Duchy at top speed.
>>44907055
how monsterous are we talking?
will an elf do?
will a drow do?
or is he going for the kinky stuff
like a centaur, lamia, or sphinx
>>44920096
elf would not, but drow might, if she was hostile and freaky-acting enough.
especially if a drider.
>>44907055
So how did a bard become a duke anyways?
>>44908839
so, int 6 in 5e.
chimp/skeleton sentient.
>>44915894
no no, see, that's why they came to you.
you're pussy-hunting skills were so renown that this beta of a duke is asking you to set him up.
>>44920529
>this beta of a duke is asking you to set him up.
>Duke gets an exotic, powerful, female monster waifu
>Waifu gets an easily manipulated trophy husband and the dukedom
Everyone wins
I'm thinking dragoness, there's bound to be one that'll be willing to manipulate him into being wrapped around her finger for free access to all the dukedom's resources
Baring that I say sphinx
>>44920793
See? Now you're getting it!
>>44920793
>>44920861
>You will never be a beta duke fuckboy and get your own sphinx waifu dom
>>44920096
I'd just go out and find the freakiest thing I could. Like, the Duke is stupid otherwise he wouldn't be asking so we could probably just go get a sea anemone and tell him it's a female mimic.
>>44907055
>>44907055
Never before, in my entire career as Ultimate Wingman, have I faced such a challenge.
>>44919893
ARE YOU GOBLET?
>>44922306
Doesn't sound too difficult really, as >>44920793 pointed out, there will be several monsters who would probably be willing to marry up
>>44927339
DRAGON EMPEROR: It is very good to meet you.
>>44916936
I think that's what the little side fin poking out of her is supposed to be.
>>44920096
If an Elf won't do then quite frankly wat do?
>>44907055
the dukes can go fuck off all those monstrous concubines are in my harem
>>44916089
>just an ordinary female clown
>not a Mime Mimic girl
*interpretative dance*
>>44916089
>Implying clown girls aren't the best
"I have to warn you beforehand Anon, I'm a squirter!"
>Shot in the face with seltzer spray
>>44931152
There's an erotic soundfile involving harley quinn that's basically this x10.
>>44932108
Out of all the finishes I've seen, clown porn is still the only thing that absolutely disgusts me
>>44933784
https://soundgasm.net/u/yourdirtybaby/F4A-Harley-Quinn-Makes-a-House-Call-CheatingBe-My-Puddin-Tonight-BJ-OralRiding-Vroom-VroomFunny-Girls-are-Sexy-GIrls
>>44925762
You're a bad wingman of you set your buddy up with a bitch or a crazy.
>>44934007
if he's happy with her anyways, why not?
After all, he wanted a monster bride. he was probably expecting some crazy no matter what you brought him.
>>44933852
No thank you
>>44934007
>You're a bad wingman of you set your buddy up with a bitch or a crazy.
No refunds!
>>44907174
Are you goblet?
>>44922247
>not liking jumbo shrimp
