Today, I had what I can only describe as "an experience"
>First session, Tiefling Paladin
>Whole schtick is that he has low wisdom and has no idea why people fear him
>But super genial and shit
>That doesn't matter much
>My friend, we'll call him Steve, rolls this Noble, Lord Wilhelm von Fremington II, but doesn't tell us the class
>We arrive in town, and everyones looking at us weird
>Turns out, animated objects amuck all over city
>Governor is burning down blacksmith as we appear
>Wilhelm, being a Noble asshole, takes a fucking bath in the governor's mansion
>The rest of us find the source of the magic
>Its a fucking living wall
>We fight it, and it nearly kills us all
>Wilhelm goes to bed
>After we all walk back to town, beat up, we rest at the inn
>At 4 in the fucking morning, Wilhelm wakes up and sneaks out
>Asks our DM, "Are there any girls aged 18-22 around?"
>That exact question
>He had previously asked the same question except ages 14-20
>He proceeds to describe how he puts on mascara and makeup and sprinkles green glitter in his hair
>He lockpicks open a girls room
>We sit horrified
>He gets next to the bed and CARESSES HER CHEEK
>"I am Oberron, high consort of the faerie queen Titania"
>"You're having a dream"
>The most rapey line I've heard in my life
(cont)
your friend sounds really autstic
>>44552279
>Finally his luck fails as he rolls too low and the DM tells us that she screams
>He decides that now is the time to rob the governor
>He enters his house, stabs the governor
>He lets the governor leave the room
>Butler shows up
>Steve says, "I use my cunning action to disengage, and dash 60 feet out the door"
>DM replies, "The butler gets an attack of opportunity"
>"No he doesn't."
>Points out that cunning action of disengage doesn't provoke attacks of opportunity
>Ofw he has this whole this planned out to a T
>Gets caught by the butler, who casts Hold Person
>Butler has to stabilize governor, Wilhelm gets away
>He books it, runs out of town, shaves off his goatee, his hair, and puts on an eyepatch
>He shows up as a new persona "Captain Sham"
>No one rolls high enough on a perception check to beat his deception check
>Talks in a pirate accent and tries to convince the governor with forged documents to buy a boat
>We're a days walk from water
(cont)
>>44552324
>My character decides to walk northeast, like his god told him to
>Group follows
>At night, resting, get jumped by assassins
>Kill them all
>In morning, my character doesn't give a fuck, and keeps walking
>Everyone else leaves, following clues on the assassins, leading them to a nearby port city
>Captain Sham asks the local people (in Thieves' Cant) where to find the assassin's guild
>He searches an abandoned warehouse, but wastes enough time that an actual assassin shows up and knocks him out
>Wakes up in interrogation room
>Captain Sham tries to convince the assassins that he is an assassin trying to kill himself
>They don't buy it
>Assassins confused as fuck
>Assassins force Captain Sham to help them kill a merchant who's not paying protection money
>Captain Sham agrees
(cont)
>>44552363
>During this time, the CN trickery cleric goes to his god's shrine, and learns about a heist
>The heist is stealing the cargo from a merchant
>The exact same merchant that Captain Sham is going to kill
>Captain Sham sneaks aboard the boat and breaks into the captain's cabin
>DM decides that the captain is called Captain Blindeyes, who has two eyepatches and peg arm
>Captain Sham sees a treasure chest and tries to break into it
>For a rogue, he is really bad at it
>Makes too much noise, wakes Blindeyes
>Captain Sham hightails it
>Bumps into the cleric and his crew
>In the cargo hold, they find a shit ton of barrels with an unidentifiable powder
>Captain Sham leads a trail of powder off the boat and onto the docks
>The cleric and crew lift barrels out of the boat
>Captain Sham finishes the trail and proceeds to LIGHT IT ABLAZE
>Cleric and crew see the fire and gtfo
>The entire ship blows the fuck up
>Entire dock is basically gone
Thus is the story of Lord Wilhelm aka Captain Sham, and his dumb ass rogue exploits.
>>44552305
I agree tbqh senpai
i...
what
Not sure if Keikaku...
Sounds kind of funny. Sorry his goofy acts ruined the game but the sudden transformation to Captain Sham got a laugh out of me.
Reminds me of when I play rogues.
You guys should make captain sham your party leader, trust me on this one.
>>44552949
It's bloody hilarious in retrospect, and was pretty funny in a weird way at the time.
>>44552279
Your friend is a creep
>>44552324
I take it back, your friend is brilliant
