>A Barbarian queen demands a large tribute of goods or she will raid the kingdom
>>44551663
Tell her to fuck off and get some adventurers to deal with it.
I offer to suck her dick instead.
>>44551663
A seventy pound, family size value pack bag of dicks
I yield.
>>44551663
Invite her to your Kingdom.
Treat her like a Queen.
Shower her with gifts.
In time, she will come to depend on me.
>>44551663
>barbarian queen
I send a special agent of the Bard's guild.
>>44551663
What a terrible time for our army to be off fighting the hordes of the Lich-Lord Ondring
>>44551663
>http://oglaf.com/reward/
I'm too tired to make it SFW
>>44551663
oooh raids, not like thats not something we have to deal with already.
>>44551663
Just send her a bomb disguised as those goods. Nothing can't be fixed with a sufficient amount of explosives. Barbarian tribe could make a trouble if she dies? Then just send a bigger bomb.
I actually had this happen in my last campaign that I was playing it. It was some weird modified kingdom builder.
I went personally to challenge her to a public duel.
give her a big thanks for warning us in advance and tell her our army will be waiting
Convince her more loot and honour is to be gained fighting our enemies, stand by her on the field of battle, win mutual respect that slowly turns to admiration and love over the years eventually becoming the foundation for a great empire.
Or failing that, probably an oglaf comic.
Well, my current character is himself a Barbarian.
So I guess, challenge her to a fight, her against me. If she wins, the kingdom pays up. If I win, I get the tribe.And her.
>>44551663
Offer the tribute of goods...after having some sufferers of smallpox handle packing them.
Replace smallpox with whatever disease is appropriate.
>>44551972
BITCH, IF THE MONGOLS ARE COMING FOR YOU DO YOU THINK SOMETHING LIKE ADVANCED NOTICE IS GOING TO SAVE YOUR ASS?
>>44552308
No, but a substantial amount of explosives, hidden on the the way of those forces certainly will stop them.
>>44552308
if she were as dangerous as the mongols she'd wait to demand tribute when she was busy raiding a major city
bitch probably is used to raiding tribals and small counties, she'll be mighty surprised when someone starts using actual tactics against her
>>44551663
No doubt they are willing to fight my enemies in return for these goods and all the plunder they can carry?
>>44552437
>Making a deal with barbarians
>>44551663
Offer her settling rights in the land recently depopulated by the last war with the lich Queen Aarondale, hopefully securing our borders against the Horselords since they keep burning out our attempts to resettle.
We'll send some craftspeople along as well.
Also, pretty sure we can find some suitable noble son to marry her or daughter to apprentice. Really, I don't have much time to deal with this shit.
Anyways, we'll handle educating their children and offer money + citizenship for military service so it'll all be the empires land once again.
Who knows, maybe one of her descendants will bena future body of mine.
>>44551663
>we gift her lavish presents that have a weakening, feminising effect that also switches her gender, to make the Barbarian Queen an effeminate, weak trap
Wizards save the day again!
>mfw playing a game as the Barbarian queen and co. and demanding things of people
She gets a real kick out of being called barbarian and other demeaning things.
>>44552471
>implying the Romans never made deals with barbarians
>>44552567
yeh and look how it ended up for them
>>44552471
>Being forced to make deals with barbarians to last a little longer
>Being offended they asked for a pittance in tribute and didn't consider you even worth more.
>>44552589
>>44552589
>>44551663
>A single line of greentext is the OP
>Not even a second line
Jesus H. Christ, are you people even trying anymore?
>>44551663
ill tribute her with my penis if you know what i mean
>>44551663
>Barbarian queen
>Barbarian
>queen
"Yeah okay, if your little horde or whatever's too faggoty to even rise up against being ruled by a woman, I don't think we have anything to worry about. Tell her I look forward to seeing her chained in the forum."
>>44551663
Dammit Lady Gindril! Just because you beau, the crown prince of our fair kingdom, is scouring the land for a cure to the wasting curse placed on his beloved baby sister by that mad court wizard and not here to lavish his attention and sword arm on you is no reason to be ready to sack the countryside.
>>44552308
Yep, gives me time to get supplies together and get more archers trained up.
>>44552931
not to mention to secure all supplies behind city walls and go scorched earth on anything resembling a pasture, as well as destroying bridges, crossings and generally speaking make it a royal pain in the arse for them to abuse their mobility
bonus points for coastal kingdoms readying their naval forces to land armies behind their primary lines and course in general send a message to any allied kingdoms or even ask the head of religion to maybe consider declaring a holy war against the barbarian horde enroaching on the land of his faithful
>>44551961
Did you win?
>>44551663
Use the money to hire high-level adventurers to rek her shit. Paying tribute never ends well.
>>44552589
>implying making deals with barbarians made Rome fall
Seriously, by the time the Western Roman empire fell, barbarian populations had been part of it for centuries.
>>44553073
yeah but they introduced Rome to the glory of pants, so who's really the barbarians, eh?
>>44553167
>men forced to have their private parts crushed
truly they were barbarians
>>44551663
I'd like to raid her kingdom, if you know what I'm saying.
>>44552977
N-no . . .
>>44551663
I offer my second oldest son in marriage to her as a good. That should be enough, right ?
I reply with a message immediately, stating that it would be my pleasure to bestow tribute upon her and that I would be there as soon as physically possible, in person, to do so. Along with the messenger I send a cask or two of decent wine, perhaps a small chest with some trinkets.
I would arrive with a small retune, making a concise point to ensure she feels I am not attempting to grand stand, intimidate or belittle her station. I would bestow gifts she would likely appreciate; a few token weapons made of decent steel, casks of wine, precious gems and metals, silks and spices.
All of it would be poisoned.
Every gem, every coin, every roll of silk, every cask of wine, even the leather wrappings on the swords.
After a week, you would begin to feel tired. Your would appear pale, lacking in energy. After a month you hair begins to fall out. Then your nails. Then your teeth. Your muscle tissue begins to fade, your skin begins to turn sallow as your liver begins to fail.
Every servant. Every brave soldier. Every loyal guard. Every merchant they ever dealt with, every peasant who had sold them a sheaf of wheat.
Slowly, but surely.
>>44554306
I have to wonder how you're going to get that much cesium.
>>44554371
....on short notice, I meant.
And it has to be a radioactive isotope, too.
>>44554371
>>44554393
That's part of it.
Most probably wouldn't think to attribute it all to me.
Those with the sense to figure it out would think precisely that.
I paid tribute, AND killed them, with the full intent of causing collateral damage to innocents, whilst utilizing such a rare resource in such large quantities.
You don't fuck with someone like that.
>>44554475
No, I mean seriously....
How the heck are you going to get that much, that soon, with medieval tech?
>>44554502
>not having a secret alchemy lab that you fund with coin your siphon off from your criminal empire
>not stockpiling shit in a fashion that would make a Middle Eastern dictator blush
>>44554502
"Ho, farmer! Sell me all your cesium!"
"What is... cesium?"
"It's all that crap in your meadow that makes your cows sick. I'll give you a shiny new pig for it and have my men drag it away."
"DID JESUS RETURN OR WHAT? WHY ARE YOU THIS NICE"
>>44552308
Yea if the Chinese took the mongols seriously the empire probably wouldn't have ever existed. China's complacency let Genghis kick their shit in, which gave him enough resources to start going full mongol.
>>44554597
If I had that, I'd be going into pharmaceuticals, trying to get me some samples of virulent disease.
That way, I'd appear like a model citizen helping the common folk, AND also have a ready made biological weapons program, all in the time and budget it would take you to stockpile all that cesium.
>>44554475
...To be fair, you're right. You don't fight people like that.
>>44551663
>>the barbarian queen is faced with a mighty dilemma
>>none of the female warriors of her longhouse or in any of her lands are up to the task
>>against the counsel of her amazons she puts out the word to neighbouring lands
>>she has a jar she needs opened
>>44553412
Go on...
>>44554306
>>44554475
>YFW you learn the hard way her Fort save is high enough to more or less ignore it
>YFW you realize a few seconds after that about how many levels in barbarian she'd have to have to be able to no sell it like that
Roll for initiative
>>44554949
>>> she has a jar she needs opened
Why not just smash the jar?
Or just get one of her bitchboy fucktoys to open it for her?
>>44551663
Rape her
or alternativelyrape her even harder
>>44554949
kekberg
>>44554986
The advantage would be that the effects of the poison wouldn't even be evident for some time.
Even if she did survive it, most of her people would likely not.
She's welcome to come to my city all by her lonesome and do something about it.
>>44555006
You don't have jars just so you can smash them. You want to reuse them.
>>44555077
>She's welcome to come to my city all by her lonesome and do something about it.
>Implying she couldn't solo most of your city
>>44555113
She's a barbarian, she can just beat someone up for their jars if she needs a new one
>>44553412
>>44554954
Yes, please go on.
There's no need to be shy.
>>44551663
Ready the guardsmen, give them Gatling Shotguns
>>44551663
Jokes on her, I already pay protection money to King Cnut of Denmark. I hope she likes getting roflstomped by Jomsvikings.
I remember the last time the DM did something like this. Not falling for it again, let the Kingdom deal with it. Barbarians don't believe in "Don't shoot the messenger." and being the prisoner to a NotViking warrior queen berserker isn't fun.
>>44555406unless shes into /ss/
>>44555428
Not funny, that was the fate of the cleric, though not with the queen.
>>44555353
I wouldn't believe any king cunt especially if he can't spell his own name right.
>>44555428Good news, she is,and there's an opening after her last shota broke
>>44555467
Go on
>>44551663
Which kingdom was this again?
>>44555518
>Go on
The queen (now that I think about it she might have only been a jarl) shoved some of us in her retainer retinue as royal prisoners. One of her non-prisoner retinue was a priestess of NotCthulu gods and promised her favorable rituals if she could wed the cleric, whom was of a main faith. NotViking leader liked the sound of that over propriety so put the cleric through a shotgun wedding with the priestess. Cleric was not yet 15 I think, priestess was described as being twice his age.
Whenever the Jarl needed a NotCthulu favor, the cleric was defiled, among other things.
>>44551663
Route the shipment through a leper's colony, it'll all sort itself out.
>>44554306
This, but a curse instead.
>>44551663
Overwhelm her guards andmake sure noone raids her kingdombefore I did.
>>44551663
As a barbarian myself I challenge her to a fight to take over her clan and If Im feeling nice she might just become my concubine after.
>>44555540
Then one where you keep all your stuff
>>44555672
>Tentacle MILFpriestess /ss/ing her shota priest in various /d/ish ways to get favors from her dark god
Nice
>>44555672
>thorough /d/efilement for ritual reasons only
>daily course of their relationship is loving and mostly vanilla
>plenty of aftercare after each ritual
>>44555503
>https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cnut_the_Great
Sounds like someone wants a blood-eagle.
>>44555962
Vinland saga ? Moar like farmland saga ain't i right ?
>>44555503
>King Cunt the Great
>>44551663
She shall retrieve the tribute she damned in blade and blood.
>>44555871
I keep all my stuff in my pants, I am poor as shit and I just sell off what I don't need/don't use anymore
She's an idiot, what sort of barbarian warns their target that they intend to pillage them?
...unless she is working in league with my enemies. Or perhaps being influenced in some way, to turn my attention away from somewhere else, to draw my forces away from the capital.
I need to talk to my spy master.
as usual we are going far to into this guys, lets use the easy, classic and hassle free solution, the Nazis.
>>44551663
Good thing I built a wall!
Raise the stipulation I pay her men directly, through whatever posturing it takes for a spear chucker, then make them my men, which would easily work on a horde as opposed to a tribe
>>44557650
She agrees and sends her "men", namely her harem of qt shota boytoys
>>44556143
You ain't right, they left the farm ages ago. Last I left it was Merchant and Revenge Bitch Saga, and considering thier destination it will likely have a turn as Varangian Saga.
Sorry m8, your meme is stale and unfunny now. Try picking up new material.
>>44551663
> a large tribute of goods
I would send my redguard slave to her
I have the bitch flogged and let all my men ravage her daughters at once
>>44555871
The priestess wasn't even the same race. He wasn't treated as badly as some of us, but I felt bad for the kid.
I appoint a new Arch Bishop.
>>44552973
Caltrops, pit traps, hidden fosses (trench with stakes at 45 degree angle)
With a little warning it's easy to make a field a complete nightmare to navigate by horse.
>>44551663
I'd present myself, dick wrapped up with a nice little ribbon and all.
"These are all the GOODS you need baby!"
I take full responsibility for the subsequent destruction of my kingdom. Worth it for the pun alone.
>>44559564
That's my nigger!
>>44552931
...How many decades do you think she's going to wait before attacking?
>>44552973
>not to mention to secure all supplies behind city walls and go scorched earth on anything resembling a pasture, as well as destroying bridges, crossings and generally speaking make it a royal pain in the arse for them to abuse their mobility
,,,Your defensive strategy sounds a lot more expensive than just paying tribute.
>>44551663
I should fear a single barbarian? I, who am the most powerful man in europe, should fear a fucking up-started woman?
Bring me my +2 purple axe, we're going for the greatest raid of the century! We will burn down every holding they have, imprison their women and tear their economy asunder! Then have the muslim pigs take them over, see how they like that!
Tremble before the power of the Scandinavian empire and the norse British empire combined! No building will be left standing once we're through with them!
>>44551663
I'd just send Barbie the Barbarian (Barbarella Bronsdottir) who thinks she's a man to go and battle the queen, perhaps they would battle barefoot in the snow with massive weapons. This would please Kord.
I deliver a large tribute of explosives.
Which I remotely detonate in her face.
>>44557932
Even if it didn't work as planned, I won't complain.
>>44559814
thats oddly dark for something a six year old would write.
>>44559883
Even six year olds know you can't make deals with monkeys
>>44559883
Some children say very creepy shit from time to time.
>>44559894
We really mean niggers right when we say that?
>>44559904
No, why would you think that
>>44559894
no, monkeys are fun. chimps are scum.
>>44559910
Oh sorry
>>44552589
Rome was shit it's neighbours and non Roman subjects for centuries.
Then it had to hire them to help defend against the other barbarians. Then refused to pay because "lol they just dum provincials". Then they got their shit sieged until they coughed up the money.
Making honest deals with barbarians is good. Going back on deals with barbarians is not.
>>44551663
Once you pay the Danegeld, you will never be rid of the Dane. Time to burn some biscuits.
>>44555353
>Paying the Danegeld
>ISHYGDDT
>>44560055
>Time to burn some biscuits.
Proof that old women can be way more terrifying than Viking warriors.
>>44555113
My dick is going to reuse your mom.
>>44551663
>>44552553
O queen, nomadic devil and damned demons' kith and kin, secretary to Beelzebub himself. What the devil kind of warrior are you, that can't slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? The demons excrete, and your army eats. You will not, you daughter of a bitch, make subjects of us; we've no fear of your army, by land and by sea we will battle with thee, fuck your mother.
You Arrimonian scullion, Kallydian wheelwright, brewer of Tatalon, goat-fucker of Anaxandria, swineherd of Greater and Lesser Kalypt, pig of Omorria, Pomalian thief, catamite of Alany, hangwoman of Kallan, and fool of all the world and underworld, an idiot before the gods, granddaughter of the Serpent Lord, and the crick in our dick. Pig's snout, mare's arse, slaughterhouse cur, mud-dwelling brow, screw your own mother!
So the king declares, you lowlife. You won't even be herding pigs for our kingdom. Now we'll conclude, for we don't know the date and don't own a calendar; the moon's in the sky, the year with the gods, the day's the same over here as it is over there; for this kiss our arse!
>>44552993
>pay adventurers to kill barbarian queen
>costs less than the tribute she demanded
>adventurers challenge her to a duel and kill her
>the barbarian horde pledges allegiance to them
>adventurers now demand tribute from you
>>44560379
Beautiful!
>>44560400
1 pay adventurers to kill the enemy
2 costs less than the tribute demanded
3 adventurers succeed
4 the barbarian horde pledges allegiance to them
5 adventurers now demand tribute from you
6 go to 1
>>44560379
With what manner of speech did you address me, rake? Be informed that I was peerless among barbarians during my training. I have aided her majesty the queen in numerous raids against the Southern Kingdoms and I have laid low thrice fivescore opponents. I have mastered the delicate art of the night-raid and am the superlative raider in the realm. You, meanwhile, are wholly without worth. Let it be known that I will bring such artifice to your ignominious end as none have yet witnessed within Termesh’s creation. You believe you can volley such insults by way of anonymous missive? My pillagers and rapers have already discerned your location, so it is best you hasten preparations for the ensuing tumult, wretch, the species of tumult that will spill your life essences into the gaping maw of the Deathrealm. Perhaps if wisdom guided you to see the repercussions of your knavish harangue, you would remained silent. You were unable to do so, however, and now punishment will be exacted on you. I will excrete biliously upon you and in such bilious excretion shall you be overcome. Your time on this earth shall soon cease, knight.>Implying the DM didn't already send us that letter in the face of the queen's raiding, you fucking knave
>>44560379
Don't worry, we see what you did there!
>>44551663
I'd only give her a good dicking.
>>44560379
Fucking Cossacks. Best historical document ever.
>>44551663
I skillfully convince the Gue'la to join the Greater Good.
>>44552308
Probably yeah, capitalising on the surprise factor was a huge element of the Mongol military strategy.
>>44551663
have the Bard who is adept at seducing domineering warrior women work his magic using his "assets"
>>44551663
I imagine we pay the tribute as we have done for the last one-hundred and seventy-three years. It would be quite embarrassing to start a war over standard policy three weeks before my nephew the Duke of Hoftstal's christening, she is invited after all.
The event itself will be unpleasant no doubt, I have heard that Sigurd can never stop crying and his late father was so cherished. father will no doubt send to to their court under some paper pretence to lurk and keep an eye on his mother least she try something stupid with a neighbouring lord.
High Queen Yeke has apparently requested my presence after celebratory feast afterwards, though what interest she has in a third son and foreign spymaster is lost on me, probably just a goodwill gesture.Shit now I want to write about a prim and proper Prince getting enlisted as a retainer to help manage an huge tribal kingdom.
>>44554306
are you sure its poison it sounds to me like its all just radioactive
>>44551663
Do as we've done for centuries
Surrender completely and let her run the city while working to make HER akin to US. Worst case scenario she burns the city down and construction has a convenient business boom.
>>44555960
This is my fetish.
>>44561359
>Prince_Bern.png
He's called Brynn and isn't a prince
>>44561509
That's just what I call him, I bring him out whenever I want to give a semi-serious response to a question of state because I think he looks like quite an astute statesman.
>>44560468
pretty good but it deviated to much it at least needed a 300 confirmed kills.
>>44557040
Sir! The wall has been destroyed!
>>44551663
>>A Barbarian queen demands a large tribute of goods or she will raid the kingdom
*Sigh* Of course she knows we don't have the goods she demands, so as usual, we'll have to pay her in "services". This time, however, we'll draw straws to see who services her, because sending a woman didn't cause her to lose interest like you promised it would, and I swear I'm still picking red n' curlies out of my teeth.
>>44559772
>,,,Your defensive strategy sounds a lot more expensive than just paying tribute.
paying tribute turns a strong horde in an even stronger horde
a defensive strategy turns a strong horde into a line of staked bitches
its a long term investment
>>44557040
>Track across 3,000 miles of steppe and tundra
>Unite tens of thousands of warriors
>Form largest empire/protection racket in history
>30ft wall. Well lads, better turn around and go home.
>>44561628
Bomb the shit out of them, and inform the OP to set a tech level next time.
>>44562198
>paying tribute turns a strong horde in an even stronger horde
>a defensive strategy turns a strong horde into a line of staked bitches
So, your plan is, rather than pay a simple tribute, is to risk the lives of everyone here on the idea that you can defeat a barbarian horde and they will all just give us time to sit down and prepare while we get ready for a fight we probably can't win, and probably spending more money on this mad scheme than we would lose if we paid the tribute three times over.
I say we hold a peasant revolt and hang this shithead, who's with me?
>>44551663
I send her an envoy of 100 of these fantastic and horrifying creatures. If she is not satisfied, I will send more...and more
>>44551663
ASSASSINATE
>>44562460
Go fuck yourself.
>Implying we're going to fight them fairly.
>Implying we aren't going to be the most underhanded bastards the world has ever known
>Implying honour or notions of fair play are going to enter into this conflict
>Implying we aren't going to invent the notion of war crimes
>Implying we aren't going to drive them back
>Implying our retribution isn't going to burn their cities, salt their land, poison their wells and genocide their people.
>Implying that they aren't going to call out to their heathen gods for deliverance from the end of day and be met with only silence
>Implying there will be a single one of their people left down to the last man, woman and child.
>>44552689
Why would they? Dumbasses go for it.
>>44551663
That's pretty much what barbarian royalty is supposed to do, so I'm happy to see this one is also playing along. I tax the peasants some more and move on.
>>44562751
What cities? What land? What fucking wells?
This is the exact spiel that mad kings give before they charge off into the steppe to get massacred.
>>44563024
They weren't PCs.
>>44552308
It definitely worked out for the Mamluks.
>>44551663
Tell her to get in line after the Orc Warlord and his hordes, Vampire Patriarch and his minions, Bad Dragon and his Kobolds and the Lich and his Skellingtons.
In fact if she took the southwestern approach she could take out like forty percent of advancing evil coalition. If she can break through them she can take whatever valuables that have not yet been reforged into makeshift defenses. She can also help herself to the men, but I'll need them back once she's done with them, for the final stand and whatnot.
>>44562460
her demand combined with the fact her horde is nowhere near our borders is enough time to defend
the fact that she made the demand while her horde is nowhere near the borders means her grasp on tactics is mediocre at best
and if we pay tribute now in the future its likely she'll invade everyone, kill the men and rape the women, especially if some idiot thinks this is the right time for a peasant revolt
>>44563171
>her horde is nowhere near the borders
You know we don't actually know that.
>>44563171
>few people knew that the barbarian queen had agents in the kingdom who incited beta peasants to revolt and turn against the lord of the realm with promises of amazon sex during the raid.
>>44563209
none of the surrounding nations have reported a barbarian horde crossing their lands, its fairly safe to say they're a good month away at least
>>44563230
>the revolt of beta peasants never truly took off because there was none willing to actually lead them
barbarians, never thinking ahead
>>44563252
But they're not just barbarians, they are girl barbarians.
Surely two negatives cancel themselves out?
>>44563279
sadly for them they're incompetent girl barbarians and as we all know 3 negatives is still negative
if they were ugly we'd have a problem but sadly for them they adhere to common standards of beauty
>>44559490
What were the races?
>>44559817
She's gonna want them back soon, unharmedand unusedor else she's gonna take 3 qt shotas from your kingdom for every one you don't return
>>44561359
>Shit now I want to write about a prim and proper Prince getting enlisted as a retainer to help manage an huge tribal kingdom.
I'd read itEven if it wasn't femdom and/or /ss/ smutwould prefer if it was though
Use the party psion in the right way
>>44552904
Actually, not getting laid is a pretty good reason to pillage.
>>44554371
Asbestos has been known since early grecian times.
As a pirate on the run from the king's navy, where do I sign up?
I ready my katana, putting on a psychopathic smirk. "heheheheh... try your lukc...bitch..."
>>44564726
Going to change her mind?
>>44551663
I steal her picture for my barbarian token
>>44551663
Tell her to fuck off and set a regiments of soldiers and local militia towards costal towns and monestaries.
Have my navy set up towards the coast also that I am able to block their escape.
Make Queen concubine after my total victory.
>>44551663
>Here! Take all of our boys as tribute.
>>44563830
Cleric was a human, Cthulhu priestess was a big rough orc woman.
>Cleave
>Smite
>Consecrate
NEXT
>>44565671
Exactly as it should be
>>44565741
I think smite only works on evil outsiders and undead now, Sir Anon.
We're going to have to clear this murderous rabble out the old-fashioned way; with shot and sword!
>>44551663
Encourage her to do so. My god hungers.
send assassins and an adventuring party. Put a bounty almost equal (depending on amount, don't want to cripple the bank) to what she wanted on her head. Why? Fuck you, that's why. this is my kingdom, don't threaten my people.
>>44560688
Imagine a major politician filming themselves doing a dramatic reading of a version of this (a la Michael Shanon and the Delta Gamma letter) as a direct response to an ISIS video.
>>44566499
>paladin of order
>SMITE CHAOS
>>44567107
Somebody needs to suggest this to Putin.
>>44568509
>Putin
>pro-Ukrainian
harharhar
>>44568603
Putin is very much for Ukraine.or any country with a west facing port that doesn't freeze solid for half the year.
>>44551663
Soften her heart with my hardened dick.
>>44560379
>mfw
>>44551663
No problem, I just have to stall her for a little while and she'll calm down. We go through this process every month.
>>44551663
AH-HAHAHAHA! That you, Sis? Still salty over getting kicked out of the clan? Yeah, life's been good since father named me Jarl of the Eastern Hills. Too bad you pulled that stunt with the... Duke, right? That's what they call him? Eh, whatever, I've seen that little "kingdom" you claim to rule and you barely have an army. But hey, Brogdin still finds you attractive, maybe instead of getting yourself killed by my men, you agree to be his wife? Could get you back into our lands at least, and you could certainly do worse for a husband.
>>44551663
>Demands made of a dane
ODIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNN
>>44560000
https://youtu.be/9foi342LXQE?t=55s
>>44565671
You describe what she did to him that made you feel sorry for him, in detail
Dear Queen Broghilda, Marshall of the spine crest mountains and crusher of the skulls of men
We regret to inform you that your petition of tribute to Gabriel Seth, Astartes Lord of the flesh tearers and prince of the wolf-Rayyet star has been declined. Lord Seth however, was much amused by your boldness and impertinence and has stated that should you or a nominated champion wish to fight a duel against him he would be more than happy to oblige you.
In addition, Lord Seth in his bounteous mercy has decreed that your strongest sons may compete to see who shall be taken by his angels to battle enemies across the wide black void. To this end he delivered a single chest of finely forged axes. Only two combatants may remain.
Though amused, Lord Seth has stated that any further demands will result in immediate extermination of your tribe.
Your Humble servant,
Sebastian Quirke, (Seneschal to Chapter Master Gabriel Seth)
>>44572175
Now why would I do that?
Aren't you tired of making the same threads over and over again
>Picture of a woman fighter/princessthat shitty succubus and elf "art"
>Retarded question
This should not have survived for as long as it did, but I guess /tg/ has changed without me knowing it.
>>44572491
I don't know what it is man it's not really the base thread I mind, Inmean you can build something off of it. It's the "lol I kill/rape her with the greatest of ease." So many people just refuse to even build up off the, admittedly poor, base.
>>44572579
Is English even your native language?
>>44572630
Oh please there's only one thing really wrong with it and it's the tablet's fault.
>>44572441
Because anon loves storytime?Particularly that kind of storytime
And I just realized I forgot to say please in my first post, so can you please do it?
>>44572923
It isn't that much of a storytime beyond what I said, since beyond rumors able to be picked up on in-game, anything that happened in private was between the player and DM.
What I my character actually saw though, the priestess was pretty cruel since she had a chip on her shoulder relating to his faith. She treated him more like a pet or something than a prisoner or spouse and dragged him around by the arm or head and pushed him around or threw him on the ground often. Pretty vicious if he did something he wasn't supposed to like talking, and she flew off a handle if he couldn't behave properly which was hard for him because of the toll her actions had on his body, like bleeding him or carving Cthulhu cult symbols into him. Some of the rituals were pretty disturbing as well, and she pulled no punches since he was a great catalyst.
Eventually she sort of satisfied her past issues with his faith and treated him better as their relationship transitioned to a more typical marriage relationship, but by then he was already broken and not much benefit as a cleric anymore since he had been turned to her faith.
>>44551663
>bend right over and fuck her in the ass dry
>>44573187
Not what I hoped but about what I expected, thanks for sharing
>>44572579
>It's the "lol I kill/rape her with the greatest of ease."
But that's pretty much accurate, why do you think there were no women barbarian warriors in real life? Of course that's going to be what Anon's going to answer. If you're so desperate to have someone "build off the admittedly poor base", why don't you fucking do it yourself and work with that? Why does it HAVE to be your fuckass waifu fantasy about women who are actually men so that you can play out your repressed homosexuality?
>>44573379
As said, it might have been magical realm as a result, but what happened to us was generally punishment by the Jarl. Some of us fared worse than the kid, some better, but no one had a *good* time.
>>44573589
>why do you think there were no women barbarian warriors in real life?
But that's wrong.
>>44551663
>A Barbarian queen demands a large tribute of goods or she will raid the kingdom
"Oh for fucks sake. I am Grog the Conqueror! I am he who sundered the Fortress of Vald! My armies defied and defiled the Holy City of Antoc! I united the 3 Clans and crossed the Western Sea to sack the Elvenhold!"
"You there! Summon my generals and lay out the maps! Raise the troops under the banner of war! We March inland!... And bring me the head of Goldberg the Lawyer! I fucking swear, I knew the bitch wouldn't be happy with just the longboats and the blackguard. I pillaged all this way to get away from my exwife, I'll be damned if I'll let her catch her claws in me again.
>>44573773
Sir you can't just kill Goldberg the Lawyer, already Dorn the Ravager has been shunned for refusing to acknowledge the past suffering of Goldberg's people. We'll have a real PR nightmare on our hands if you kill him.
>>44573654
Way to not answer the question, Spurious McInventsalot.
>>44573773
>bring me the head of Goldberg the Lawyer
One of the greatest things about the (generally great) City-State of the Invincible Overlord is that being a lawyer is illegal... so the lawyering guild's monopoly is based on bribing and knowing the right people to let them do it anyway.
They're also called "Litigation Tricksters".
This entire thread is dildos.
>>44575640
No, but the barbarian queen may find it funny if your tribute is chest after chest of solid gold dildos
Or she may just kill you
>>44575640
Then you'd enjoy it.
Cause you're an asshole.
Barbarians don't have the same ability to farm food as civilized people.
Tell her to fuck her own arsehole and then field 20x the soldiers she could ever
>>44551663
>Hire the nearst 4 adverturers to go kill her, and pay them 2% of what she demanded in tribute
>>44551663
>queen
Just wait for her period then set blood hounds on her
>>44578882
>She shows up next time wearing a houndskin fur bikini
>>44569765
Yes. And?
>>44551663
Whats my kingdom like vs hers?
>>44551663
>establish trade routs between our countries, hire her people as guards and mercenaries.
A good economy is the best tribute I can give
>>44551663
Give her plague infected blankets that take a while to infect and whatnot, wait for everyone in her tribe to be weakened by sickness, then gather your army and wipe up the stragglers.
>le muh dick plot point
>>44581100
A lot smaller
>playing LG Incubus Paladin who must complete 1,001 good deeds to get delicious princess waifu in 5e
>insanely high charisma modifier
>often botches Persuasion rolls but nails Diplomacy
"Look, honey, you and I both know that the king won't pay his tribute, not after that whole 'I got your son to bend me tits-over-ass and pound me harder than a broken nail so much that I was crapping out bastard children by the bucket-load for a dozen fortnights' incident a couple years ago, so just own up and pay the godsdamn dowry so you can save your tribe.
"...No worries, darling! The commoners'll love you! You'll be known far and wide as the wisest, most beautiful queen ever and please put that ax down I really like living no really I do--!"
>>44584313
Bad news, you don't get delicious princess waifu
Good news, you get snu snu, probably not death by it though
>>44551663
I send my humble spymaster.
>>44551663
Give her the D to cure her female hysteria
>>44583946
size doesn't matter that much, if she rules mostly wastelands and the kingdom of the pc's is a fertile nation in the middle of a major trade route chances are it has vastly superior military capabilities
>>44551663
>I am tasked to bring the queen the tribute
>Fucking great...
>I am taken before her, surrounded by at least a few dozen amazon elite soldiers guarding their liege
"My lord has agreed to pay the tribute you requested. Unfortunately, this will leave our nation vulnerable to foreign invasions and he might need assistance defending against those who would encroach in his lands. Will you assist him in such endeavors?
>I really want to be done with this and go back home.
>What the fuck?! One of them just groped me! But which one.
>Can't wait to be out of here, Gods above...
>>44584313
you mean ass over tits? tits over ass is her just standing.
>>44589008
>Mongols laughing.
>Chinese crying.
>>44563081
>Bad Dragon
HAHAH
>>44579150
and this is somehow bad because...?
>>44551663
>Be troublesome daughter of the king.
>Constantly a shame to the royal family due to sex scandals.
>Supposed sex scandals are half of the time cover for my misadventures as a kleptomaniac rogue.
>Barbarian tribe to the east a threat to the stability of the kingdom.
>Father wants me to stop being immature, and so sends me to give them tribute.
>Also gives me a request to ask of her in the form of a letter.
>Arrive at the warlord's camp.
>Ugh, the filthy barbarians.
>Finally reach the warlord's tent, where someone directs me into her hall.
>The barbaros queen is sitting on her throne.
>*gulp*
>Take a brief minute to introduce myself.
>The barbarian smirks a little, starring at me.
>Wait, is that THE stare?
>Holy fuck she's a bombshell.
>Wait, what?! Quick bring the gold in!
>Guards bring in several chests of gold and opens them for her.
>She slightly raises her axe, and they run out of the tent.
>Laughing, she rises from her throne to inspect the gold.
>She begins to lightly run her fingers through the chests.
>Eventually, she pulls out a set of two thin golden "rings".
>Wait a second those are mine!
>She notices my reaction, and immediately grasps the underside of my breast through my dress.
>Too surprised to react, I freeze.
>She juggles it a little, before pinching my nipple with her other hand.
>I let out a yelp of pain, feeling her nails open the piercing slightly.
>As I let her please her amusement, I take a closer look at the arms that are currently groping me.
>They are ripped. Of course that had to be my fetish right now.
>I look back up to her, her smug face staring lustfully at me.
>I give her a pitiful glare in return.
>She stops pinching to place the rings in my hand, only to then slap the same breast.
>I wince, her hands now moving to their mirroring breasts and groping them from beneath.
>She then begins to massage my nipples with her indexes and thumbs, causing my eyes to shut themselves.
>I'mbasciallyinheatrightnow.jpg
Rolled 11 (1d20)
>>44551663
I roll to seduce
>>44591885
>>44563024
>charge off into the steppe
On one hand you want to give in to demands instead of even fighting.
On the other, anon wants to hold them back and fight.
One makes you a pussy king that will likely be turned into a puppet or taken out to put a puppet in place.
The other at least gives you a chance of actually doing your job.
>>44591885
Go on
>>44591930
She doesn't seem very impressed but doesn't seem terribly offended by it either
Rolled 5 (1d20)
>>44592182
Let me try. I roll to seduce.I hope I won't end up on the receiving end of the dicking.
>>44562751
>drive them back into the steppe
The Russian prince who tried that ended up being thrown into a box and buried alive, since the Mongols couldn't spill royal blood.
>>44592293
>5
Good news, you're getting snu snu
Bad news, you'll be blindfolded and tied up in the middle of her war camp publicly available for any of her amazons to use how ever they wish>I hope I won't end up on the receiving end of the dicking.
A few of them will use a strap on
bost you're best kevin memes pls
>>44592680
>The Russian prince who tried that ended up being thrown into a box and buried alive, since the Mongols couldn't spill royal blood.
>Prince tries to fight off amazon hoard
>His armies are slaughtered and his cities burned
>Because the amazons don't want to spill royal blood he is spared though
>But because they don't want to deal with him trying to amass a new army so they tie him up and lock him in a box with a hole just big enough for his face to fit through and enchanted so he won't die from suffocation/starvation/dehydration
>Has the box used to make the barbarian queen's new throne with his face perfectly positioned for the seat>He learns the queen wears nothing under her loincloth very quickly
>>44592784How big?
>>44592892Big enough to feel like she's splitting you in two with every thrust but not quite big enough to cause any permanent damage no matter how enjoyably painful it feelsThough some of them have been taunting you about going bigger
>>44592953
Huh. Well. I'm not reallyyyyy into that.I'm lying slightly. How long is this going on for
>>44593059>I'm lying slightly. How long is this going on for
It occurs to you the queen never told you when you'd be let out, and they leave you tied down there all day and night, a few of the girls have joked about this punishment being a form of death by snu snu, or at least you hope they're joking
Forgot to spoiler
>>44591885
>After a while she seems satisfied, and stops.
>I open my eyes, only to then find her hand on my sholder
>She turns me around, and with a thunderous slap on my ass sends me tumbling out the tent door.
>Catching myself on the dirt with my elbows, I take a long moment to droll, feeling the ripe pain on my cheeks.
>Wait a second, I didn't give her my father's request.
>I take and minute to compose myself, and then slither back into the tent.
>Still counting her gold, she is somewhat surprised to seem me again.
>I claim to have a request from my father.
>Annoyed, she tells me to read it.
>I take out the scroll.>An earnest conjuration from the king,>As thy kingdom was thou faithful tributary,>As love between us like the palm might flourish,>As peace should stiff her wheaten garland wear>And stand a comma ’tween their amities,>And many suchlike “as’s” of great charge,>That, on the view and knowing of these contents,>Without debatement further, more or less,>She should the bearer put to sudden enslavement,>Not shriving time allowed.
>ffffff
>With no other obvious course of action, she fucking crackles with laughter.
>Should I run away right now?
>Nay, I'll probably get laid first.
>Fucking Christ dad. Thanks for getting me laid.
>Once she settles down, she crushes my wrist with her grasp and drags me to her back room.
>"You're going to love being my bitch. I know it."
>*yeep*
>The barbarian queen pins my naked body to her resting mass of muscle, one sweaty arm around my midriff, the other arm's hand tucked in my... nether region.
>The only think that keeps me awake in the dead of this night are my thoughts and the golden collar and shackles imprisoning my limbs.
>The metal chaffing against my skin reminding me of the degradation of my very self.
Continue
>>44594541
>Oh yeah, I'm not actually speaking. The massive ruby gag embedded in my mouth is making sure of that.
>God, she is so fucking good. Not only does she have the perfect body, she is skilled. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought she was trained by someone actually civilized.
>Couldn't my father just marry me to her? Might kill two birds with one stone.
>Not like he actually meant me harm by this. He knows the bullshit I can pull.
>I'm having the last laugh though.
>Speaking of which, I'm actually liking the idea of being her sex slave. I think I will wait a while to slip away.
>Well, for a week or two. Wouldn't want the old coot to actually THINK I am in trouble.
>Probably could get out disguised as one of these filthy muts. Not like they can actually make good locks.
>What horny idiot made the ones on these shackles? I doubt I even need lockpicks to open them.
>I'm fucking keeping them though, and this jem gag, and that cute slave outfit she teased me with. Might even take that golden dildo too. God, how did she get all this good shit?
>Should I take her axe to? Nay, it would be too heavy.
>Wouldn't want to be too mean though. I have a nice sum of money from that last robbery, and I am sure she wouldn't mind a new one. An enchanted one at that. An enchanted diamond gag shouldn't be hard to make as well.
>Shit, I didn't even spend all of the gold from the last one. I could make an enchanted shackle set, one with good locks even.
>You know, I don't think she is that bad of a person. I think she just needs a "taste of civilization".
>I know, I could throw a ball and "invite her"! I'll need to bust my ass off to get the money, and my father might not like it, but..
>Well, fuck him. I'm going to have this sexy piece of muscle own my ass again. She's just too good to give up.
>I could even send her half decent clothes for it instead of her rags.
>Oh wait she's waking up.
Con...
>>44594723
>The barbarian lazily stirs her muscles, making light groaning sounds as she wakes.
>Habitually, she tightens her hold in my pussy, grinding my clit with the palm of her hand.
>I groan into my gag.
>The queen gives a light chuckle, and whispers into my ear.
>"I see you're ready again, my precious little princess. Tell me."
>"Are you ready to eternally devote your royal ass to the royal purpose of getting me off?"
>I fucking wish.
>"mhmm"
>"Good, because you don't have a say in the matter, carpet-muncher."
>And they both had amazing barbarian lesdom sex and came.
Last part. Do mind if it's shit. I might have went overboard...
>>44591885
>>44594541
>>44594723
>>44594782
Hnnng I'm gonna have to watch vikings now.
>>44594782
It was perfectIs it bad I hope/hoped both the princess and the king were underestimating the barbarian queen and the princess wouldn't be able to escape from her?
This thread is autistic as fuck
>>44595147
Thanks anon.It's perfectly fine anon. :^)It's one of 6 possible endings.
>>44595206
desu it is, but I don't think anyone cares at this point. It's neo-/tg/ afterall.
I've been waiting for something like this since the thread began, so I decided to do it myself.
It's a bit bigger than what I would have expected in the first place, but it's fine.
>>44594842
Sweet viking waifu dreams anon.
>>44595501>6 possible endings.
I now want to hear more if you have the chance
>>44595756It's up to your imagination anon.For starters, the king marches an army to rescue his daughter.It fails, leaving the kingdom weak. The barbarian then uses the princess' claim to the throne to seize the kingdom Attila style.The princess goes full Stockholm Syndrome and helps the barbarian rule the kingdom without getting fucked over by the nobility.
Honestly, as an extremely powerful gay gnome, i don't give a fuck. How'd i get a kingdom? I bequeath it to her and fuck off
>>44595882That's hot, especially if the queen keeps the princess in her gold and gem bondage gear even during any public functions
>>44596183
It's your imagination anon. You can do whatever you want.
>>44596023
Are you really that CE anon? Would you really leave an entire kingdom in the hands of a savage?
>>44596991
Chaotic Neutral really. I mean, If I think I could take her and I liked the kingdom enough, maybe I'd blast her to smithereens. But if this is the type of barbarian that keeps shota fuckboys and I'm a goddamn gnome, I aint risking being raped by someone I'm not attracted to for the rest of my life to save some random peasants.
>>44597066
You could give your kingdom to the Church anon. I hear the high priestess is wise and kind.
>>44597253
Oh, sure then I'll . . . wait a minute. What church? This is one of those crazy sacrifice an entire kingdom to summon the eater of worlds cult isn't it? Yeah, nah. I'll go with the crazy murderer who DOESN'T commune with the dark gods above. Devil you know and all that.
>>44597523
Sarenrae isn't a demon silly.
