>For your final test, the Queen of Thieves bids you to conceal a plateful of rough gems inside your person for twenty-four hours
>>44361877
They look pretty small. I bake them into small lozange shaped biscuit-cake things and eat them.
Then lock myself in a cellar somewhere with a gatling wand gun contraption aimed at the entranceway.
>>44361877
Is she aware that my inside is a hollow space
This test seems anticlimactic
>>44361877
Enlarge person
>>44361877
>cut own stomach open, store gems inside. Daggers deal only 1d4 dmg so its fine
>chug a cure light to close the wound
>enter berserker rage
>win
>>44361877
Put in bag, stick in mouth, lock self in broom closet.
>The gems are coated with a strange substance
Joke's on her, I replaced the gems with an assortment of rock candies beforehand.
>Ask if I need to corneal the plate too
>"You do now" she answers with a mischievous grin
welp
I open my chest compartment, place the gems inside, and close it.
I don't think the Queen thought this through, or being a Warforged Rogue just makes this really easy.
>conceal a plateful of rough gems inside your person
I beckon my slave forward
>>44361877
What you're going to have to do is find some sort of smooth leather pouches and stuff them up your ass, and you're gonna need a lot of grease to do it. and those that can't fit you can stick some in your mouth and make sure you're able to breathe properly.
>For your final test, the Queen of Thieves
Why am I doing this anyways, what sort of thing will I be able to get out of this painful and embarrassing act?
>>44361916
>They look pretty small. I bake them into small lozange shaped biscuit-cake things and eat them.
Eating sharp gems and tearing your digestive tract is a terrible and slow way to die.
>>44361954
I cast flash to stone on myself then, with several contracts taken out beforehand to various people of greater or lesser renown to restore me.
Hell, I'll bury myself beforehand too.
Should wake up after a day or so on the surface with a wizard asking for the bonus for being the one to restore me.
>>44361877
I'm a social rogue with a primary focus on bluffing. What do you think I do?
I take them to my dwelling and replace them with similarly shaped rocks (hid in person in a leather pouch) and hide the real ones in the false soles of my shoe and fill in the rest with clay so they don't bounce around and alert any thieves that there's something wrong with the shoes
>>44361877The real test is to convince her that you've done so without actually doing it.
If she can't prove you didn't and you put on an impressive enough display to convince others you did, you pass.
>>44361934
>Daggers deal only 1d4 dmg so its fine
But that damage won't be enough to cut your stomach open without a few whacks.
>>44361877
I hide the gems somewhere else and convince her I've hidden them on my person
>>44362282
Depends. If he gets enough EXP for it he could level up immediately after and get a free full heal to close the chest wound. Also, what sort of EXP does self harm give?
>>44361877
I convince her that she doesn't need to give me this testUsing the detailed by the image
Put them in a fairly durable waterproof pouch of some non-toxic (or not very toxic) substance. Each pouch should be no larger than a big grape. Swallow the pouches, and wait.
>>44362274
Strength bonuses, son.
Rolled 8 + 17 (1d20 + 17)
>>44361877
I pick her up and shake her a bit, yelling in her face that I don't need to take the final test.
>roll for intimidation
>>44361877
What gems?
>>44362282
>convince her I've hidden them on my person
The 24 hours are up.
She insists on extracting the gems herself.
Is your sleight of hand up to the task?
>>44362431
forgot image
I insert them into her with my absurdly high sleight of hand.
When the time comes I declare
>Behold! The Gems were inside you all along
And moonwalk out of there.
Wizards!
>>44362467
>I hid them in the lining of her jacket
>Attempt to slide them into the most welcoming orifice
>Roll for it
>**Critical Failiure**
>Accidentally push them into the least welcoming orifice
>>44361996
Joke's on you anon, slaves aren't people.
>>44361877
Put all of them inside two dildoes.
Adding pleasure to the whole thing is just a small bonus.
>>44362568
Just hide them in the first 3/5ths
>>44362542
The urethra
I implant the jewels under my skin and make it seem like I'm a demonic figure.
>>44362581
>Crush the gems into a fine powder and snort them with gusto
>>44362581
I will never look at that image the same way again. Not that I'm complaining, mind.
>>44362873
bitch, please
I can carry almost half a pound of cocaine inside me
>>44361996
Got any more fashion shots?
>>44361877
I shit a pile of gems onto the throneroom floor to show that I was hiding gems all along.
>>44361877
I put them all in my mouth
>>44362901
My slave is a pretty slave :3
>>44361877
Oh, this is going to be easy.
>>44361877
I unscrew my giant snake tooth-pegleg, store them inside, screw back on.
Job's a good 'un.
>>44362901
>>44362581
Naw, stuff 'em inside a tampon.
Someone might dig out and open a dildo, but pull out a bloody one and ask them if they want a closer look and you're golden.
>>44363029
Must be some big ass tampons.
>>44362797
Tear ducts man, tear ducts...
>>44361877
I put them into a pouch and use wildshape. They meld into my form.
I drench them in grey paint, claim to use them for elaborate measurements if anyone gets too curious about my rock collection.
>>44365767
This is why druids are the best cocaine smugglers.
>>44362005
what if you put them in a bag of holding and then swallow it?
>>44362301
Why do you think you're even taking these tests?because she wants to see how far she can make you humiliate yourself
>>44361934
>the ritual needs you to drain all blood from a person to complete.
>you're alone
>I pull out my dagger and slit my throat, draining all blood
>it's fine because daggers only deal 1d4 damage, so I live!
>(you)
>>44361877
I go home.
This test is bullshit, fuck you "queen of theives" how can you even be queen of a non state criminal profession?
Fuck you.
>>44368019
The state is legitimized theft and violence. The queen of thieves is really just Janet Yelen.
>>44361934
>>44368012
I've had players AND DM's act like this.
Slit the troath of someone I snuck up on behind? No man, it only did 3 damage.
Sure you shouldn't just be able to instakill any enemy but come on.
>>44368048
Extremely common. I've had games where you can't even kill a sleeping person. You smack them with your sword, deal whatever damage and they wake up and start fighting.
>>44368048
What brothers me more is the "oh my character is fine with inflicting excruciating pain on themselves."
Most folks couldn't do it. People forget that their characters are fucking hurting when they lose HP. It's not a number of magical shields until death.
But you see it around. Folks willing to do insane shit for tiny bonuses and minor profit.
>>44368035
So the state willingly put a thief on the throne or is it gonna be a long bloody war over which queen gets to be the real ruler?
And the cunt has the gal to go "Hey do this dumb test.".
>>44368094
I usually remind my players that loosing more than half your HP means you are pretty fucked up and you probably have either more than one bone broken or several deep wounds.
>>44368048
BERSERKERRRRR RRRRAAAGE
>>44368012
That's fuckin D&D.
>>44368309
That's D&D run by a dumbass for dumbasses.
>>44368326
No. That's just how the game is. No DM is gonna let your Rogue oneshot the BBEG just because he snuck into his bedchambers. I've had to do attack rolls against sleeping Orcs while armed with a fucking flail.
It's retarded, but that is how it is and how most DM's do it. If I wanna play something with even semblance of sense, I use another system.
>>44368419
Good DMs will make it difficult to reach the BBEG, not difficult to kill him once you have snuck up on him. That has nothing to do with the system. There's nothing in DnD that says "don't let your PCs kill the BBEG"
>>44368444
But a dagger only does d4 damage. It's not enough to kill him before he wakes up.
I know it's fucking dumb and a good DM will apply some common sense, but by RAW, that is how it goes. And in case you are still wondering, my initial post was meant as a joke.
>>44361934
>>44362274
>>44368012
>>44368048
We play Pathfinder, and we use Called Shot rules. So, for example, if you manage to cut the throat of someone, it's still 1d4 damage, but it's Constitution bleed damage, so they are properly fucked.
>>44368482
>But a dagger only does d4 damage. It's not enough to kill him before he wakes up.
It'd be a Coup de Grace. Did everyone forget that rule? You can, in fact, one-shot helpless targets with a dagger.
>>44368309
>>44368419
>>44368482
You're a dumbass.
>>44371290
You are not, but this only applies to 3e and up.
All things being equal, there is no reason that a slit throat isn't an instakill. A simple ability or skill check, maybe, and probably not even that if the chapter isn't too important. More likely, the PX already made it past guards or defenses to he this far. They earned it. People who judge any game, including D&D-alikes by everytning that ISN'T covered in the rules are idiots. There is literally no other game that can cover every contingency in play, and every decent game encourages solutions outside the rules.
>inb4 GURPS
>>44371050
I like this.
>>44371290
Doesn't exist in 5th ed.
>>44371562
I'm sorry you can't read.
>>44372610
>Doesn't exist in 5th ed.
nothing exists in 5th ed
>>44362898
Jesus, that looks painful.
>>44372906
It's still an autocrit against a helpless target. A 1st level Rogue would do something like 20 damage on average with that.
>I did 3 whole damage, clearly I slit his throat!
Clearly you managed little more than a minor wound and the target stirred and shifted from initial piercing.
>>44361877
I pull off Fujiko's disguise.
"It might have worked if I had not already known the final test beforehand and that the real Queen of Thieves was a different cup size. I'll be taking the real diamond now."
She reaches over and pulls off my disguise.
"That's right! I'm not Lupin! I'm Inspector Zenigata. I'm blowing this whole operation wide open!"
But then she takes off her other mask.
"What? Lupin!? But how? And that kiss a few minutes ago!?"
I pull out my mouthwash and immediately begin gargling, trying not to choke it down in my fit of rage. But wait, this mouthwash, that isn't mint. It's some kind of tranquilizer. Everything starts going black.
"Lupin! You cad! I'll catch yo-"
>>44361877
I shoot the Queen of Thieves with my desert eagle katana.
>>44375557
Who follows RAW with this level of autism? Any GM worth his salt would let you mortally wound a sleeping, helpless person with a deadly weapon.
