Hey /soc/
So i keep trying to find my boyfriends kink but to no avail, he insists he doesn't have any i don't know of/we haven't yet done but he's extremely sexually shy and i'm pretty much the opposite. Have tried many times asking what kind of porn he watches and he just won't tell me saying he's not comfortable talking about it.
I don't know what to do to help him open up more about the subject, please someone has some advice on how i can help?
Also general kink/advice thread idk
>>23886693
Have you tried suggesting kinks to him?
>>23886704
I have, i'm open to most things (not extreme, i'd say deemed tame in the eyes of more kinky community) and i've told him i'm into being more sub, tied down, spanked, facefucked and the works, he says he'd try but for the most part i can see he is only really comfortable being dom when he's drunk which then comes naturally to him.
I try to debate sexual things all the time but he just kinda shuts down and says that we can try
>>23886714
Your bf sounds like a fag.
>>23886714
Maybe he just doesn't have any more kinks then, or talk to him about it when he's drunk, you said it comes more naturally to him then?
>>23886718
If you don't have anything good to say or advise, just don't say anything at all
>>23886693
Maybe he's a pedo
>>23886722
I don't know, i think everyone deep down has an inclination at least to a certain kink. Actually that's not a bad idea, when he's drunk seems like his inhibitions disappear but it's really for those moments and it's not like i want to be drunk everytime we have sex. He wants me to help him but i really don't even know how
>>23886728
Nope, he's really just generally anxious. He used to be more sexually opened before so nothing to do with degeneracy
>>23886736
Idk what else to suggest apart from looking on his browser history for porn etc but idk if that's too far
>>23886693
In my experience, you're probably going to end up wanting more sex than him and splitting up over it.
>>23886745
I'm not one to invade his privacy like that, one time i accidentally typed something that led to a previous searches of busty women blabla which frankly seemed very fitting and normal haha but that was really the extent of it
>>23886757
Oh well, I hope it works out for you anon
>>23886755
Honestly, i've thought of that. Cause at the beginning we both had the exact same degree of sex drive but as soon as the one year honeymoon period passed now it's like he's 10x more shy about it and way less cheeky.
I wouldn't want to break up over something as uh "little" as sex since the sentiment for him is real but i do wonder
>>23886768
thanks anon
>>23886772
Yeah, it sucks. You have a hormonal honeymoon (4-18 months usually) which dies off and then... you're left with your default sexuality. And for some people, that's not much. And you "don't want to split up over something like sex" after so long so... it drags on until it can't any more and you split up or have kids and get trapped.
True story. I'm sorry, it sucks.
>>23886817
I don't know, i never got how unconsciously people do that cause when i like someone, i'm real and consistent throughout the relationship. He doesn't admit it's his default sex drive neither tho, he just thinks it's his anxiety coming through and that he has no idea what to do to change that. Every single time i have to be the one initiating and that gets tiresome sometimes.
I really hope my case won't be either
>>23886693
Maybe he has some subby fetishes and he fears that if he tells you he will seem like 'less of a man'
(Feet, strapon, crossdressing), maybe he has some freaky fetishes (zoo, pedo, necro), or maybe he really doesn't have any.
Get him drunk, when booze comes in, truth comes out.
Maybe it's something you can't really fulfill for him like bestiality
or maybe he's one of those super rare freaks who are just totally vanilla and you trying to find out his kinks and expecting him to be something he's not is making him feel anxious and inadequate, resulting in a reduced libido
or maybe I'm just a bad shitposter trying to be an armchair psychologist
>>23886841
I'm the same, for me sex is a big part of bonding and showing love. For some it's just... sex. Has he looked into treating it though? I'd hope so but guess not.
For me sex in a relationship is like car brakes. I'm not going to buy a car for the brakes, I barely notice them most of the time, but if a car has shitty or no brakes I don't want to be in it.
>>23886846
Not at all, we actually discussed the fact that he may be more sub while sober (i.e. prefers for me to be on top and control, facesitting and all) but while drunk he gets more aggressive and dom.
I'm really fine with both cause while i prefer to be a sub, i'm essentially a switch and wouldn't mind being dom for him at all and he knows that.
>Get him drunk, when booze comes in, truth comes out.
I think this is my best bet, hopefully will work. Thanks anon
>>23886847
>or maybe he's one of those super rare freaks who are just totally vanilla and you trying to find out his kinks and expecting him to be something he's not is making him feel anxious and inadequate, resulting in a reduced libido
fuck.
well fuck anon, man i hadn't thought of that shit.
I hope you're reaaally wrong, now i feel so bad.
>>23886859
>I'm the same, for me sex is a big part of bonding and showing love
Sameeee, i actually start to feel a bit unattached romantically if i don't have any sort of intimacy. Not like i stop loving but i definitely become colder and not so lovey dovey.
>Has he looked into treating it though? I'd hope so but guess not.
Not really, he's not one to solve his problems as he'd rather avoid them until it's too late so it's not like i can do much in that department.
I really wish i felt like sex wasn't important but for me it is sort of a big deal but i've been trying to look past that for the time being and hoping it will change.
It's hard when i have nothing to work with though
>>23886879
Oh dear, I'm sorry. I ended up married to mine and now all she wants is to play happy families and be celibate. Avoidant personality types suck at relationships.
So yeah, I get distant, cold, disengage from the relationship. She knows why but hopes if she shuts her eyes it will go away. Change is hard work and takes two though.
Im going through the same thing with my bf OP, I know your feels. It's been a little over a year now and I've barely scratched the surface. He expressed wanting toys so I got us the ones he wanted. He shows no real interest in them now, i ask if he isn't into it and he says he likes them he just doesn't think of it in the moment. Our honeymoon period is over and his sex drive is lower than mine (is been almost a week since we last had sex) he gets tired from a physical job and just doesn't have the energy for it. I just find myself masturbating a lot more.
>>23886912
I'm sorry too anon, while it feels good to know someone understand, i wouldn't wish anyone to be in the same position as me let alone actually married to someone making them feel that way.
>Avoidant personality types suck at relationships.
As i came to find out, nothing is more true. Had never been with someone that rather ignore than resolve and it's honestly so maddening sometimes.
>She knows why but hopes if she shuts her eyes it will go away. Change is hard work and takes two though.
Again, exactly spot on.
I really hope things work out better for you anon, we will have to eventually find some way through them and make them understand how much it means to us.
>>23886966
I'm so sorry anon, i'm actually baffled that there are two people in this thread that entirely understand what i'm going through.
The "i'm too tired for it" or "i have a headache" excuses are more real than i thought.
It sucks cause there's not much to be done, it's not something that can be forced but i feel like we just sit and wait and wait for something to change while suppressing our own desires/drives while they seem to just sit back and relax without giving it a try.
>>23887030
You've got a problem with no sex, he hasn't. Simple. Avoid avoid avoid.
It's not a lack of understanding either, or lack of guilt/compassion - just "this is just me, I'm utterly helpless, do we have to talk about this again, don't leave me". There's a subreddit called DeadBedrooms... terrifying place. This is not as rare as you think.
>>23886693
Obligatory TITS OR GTFO comment. And hurry it up, we ain't got all day.
>>23887070
I know the lack of sex in relationships ain't exactly a rare phenomenon but i wasn't expecting it this soon into the relationship (2 years) especially considering i've never had this issue before (being with someone low libido/not kinky) so for the one person in years that i actually care about to turn out like this is just very unfortunate.
Also checking that subreddit as we speak...you weren't kidding, has got me really scared about the prospect of ending up as one of these cases
>>23887131
2 years is a good run. But that's dangerous because it feels less like a natural thing.
I'm heading off. If you want to talk more my Skype is flapjacktastic1 - not creeping, I just know it gets frustrating and lonely.
>>23886736
>i think everyone deep down has an inclination at least to a certain kink.
Don't count on it. Some people are really are just under-the-covers-in-the-missionary-positition. Sexual compatibility can be a perfectly legit reason for a relationship to fail. Not saying yours will but don't minimize the importance.
I don't have SPECIFIC kinks, but I like adding kinky stuff into the bedroom experience just for fun. Like switch bondage, teasing, watersports, outdoors, etc. I've dated a couple girls who were 100% against anything that wouldn't be approved of in the 1900s.
>>23886693
maybe he doesnt have any kinks. i was in that same situation with my last gf, she never believed me that im good sticking a D into a V and moving around. it got really annoying that she wouldnt believe me.
if thats the case however, he needs to tell you that he doesnt have kinks, instead of saying hes not comfortable.
>>23886757
This comment makes me wonder if he's into something that you can't deliver.... for example, if you're a slim build and he's looking at curvy girl porn. Or if he's into asian women and you're not one.
If you can get that out of him, you might have some luck by enjoying the kink with him, role-playing in the dark, etc.
My wife has zero kinks, too. She's attractive, not religious, nice body, no sexual hangups. She likes sex, orgasms easily enough, but she's just good with whatever I want to do. She's passionate in bed, but sex is functional for her. She has toys we bought that she doesn't use. I've tried all the basic kinks on her looking for something that really gets her going, but she's not really into any of them. I really can't complain because my sex life is decent but I do fantasize often about GF I had before marriage, and the various kinks they were into.
Good luck...
>>23886693
Your a redhead aren't you ? hahaha.
>>23887233
>>23887570
Starting to consider that maybe he doesn't indeed have any kinks. Now i don't understand why it is so hard for him to tell me what kind of porn he watches cause it would be "too uncomfortable to talk about porn with me" i mean...We've already seen each others anythings, he knows im okay with porn (wouldn't) even had asked and that i'm really open minded. Think maybe he just isn't idk it's complicated being with someone so closed.
>>23888608
Not really well at least to my knowledge, i am curvy with big butt and all hence i said i wasn't surprised cause thats his type haha
> She likes sex, orgasms easily enough, but she's just good with whatever I want to do. She's passionate in bed, but sex is functional for her.
Pretty much him. I mean i'm not here complaining about our sex life per say, he's a wonderful lover probably one of the best i've had (that happens when real passion is actually involved i guess) but i can't help but wonder if on the long run will still have to be me initiating, trying to keep things fresh and new and all
>>23888659
Where you even got that from? Cause of the simpsons pic?? Hahaha
>>23886693
You should both take this survey honestly and not be a jerk and tick all the kinks.
www.mojoupgrade.com
It only shows the same kinks you have chosen so you need to be honest with each other or it might do you more harm than good.
>>23888867
>Where you even got that from? Cause of the simpsons pic?? Hahaha
That and kind of a vibe I guess from the stuff you said.
Am I right ?
OP, I'm reading through this thread and thinking 'why is this girl talking with us out this?'
Now, to be clear, I am not getting at you for shitposting or anything like that.
What I am saying is that you need to be talking about this with him.
You say that he's an avoidance type guy. Fine, don't let him avoid this discussion. Get him drunk, tie him to the headboard, whatever you have to do, but discuss this with him in the same terms you've been discussing this with us. Don't prod him about what his kinks are, don't dance around the issue, tell him exactly what you need and want, tell him how badly you want HIM to be the one to give them to you, and while you're at it, tell him that in that discussion you want nothing but utter and complete honesty. Then you can start negotiating and figuring out what you're going to do, what compromises you're both going to have to make for it to work out, and so on.
Yes it's a risk, yes it's hella scary, yes you'll probably have to jerk him up a few times when he tries to go sideways on you, but frankly, if it's gotten to the point where you're turning to 4chan for advice, it's a discussion that you NEED to have. Otherwise, you're liable to go on feeling unfulfilled, and that WILL kill the relationship or ruin your happiness or both.
Good luck OP, I just wish I could do more than sit here and hope that things work out for you.
Suggest more extreme things to him and make it seem totally normal. That way, he won't think you'll find his kinks to be weird. Like talk about shemales, gangbangs, diapers, etc. Either he's into some of that stuff or his kinks will be relatively tame and he'll be more comfortable.
>>23889295
I posted earlier in the thread having been dealing with the same thing that OP is. My bf is just not on the same level sex wise.
I'm quite sure OP mentioned earlier she has talked to him about this, tried to introduce kinks or poke around and see what he likes. I've done the same to mine and usually it just ends up in him awkwardly shugging it off or mumbling about how he feels odd talking about it. I've straight come out and told him this is what I like, what do you like? I want to please you, I want to be pleased, lets work together. This is how I feel and so on.
For some people it just isn't as simple as a conversation because the partner they have can shut down. It's a whole process if you want to stay with someone like that, you've got to be paitent and work it out slowly.
>>23888977
>www.mojoupgrade.com
This is actually a nice idea, i'll look more into the website and hopefully he'll up to take the quizz with me. Thanks anon
>>23889005
Nope you're wrong, i'm brunette.
>>23889295
>OP, I'm reading through this thread and thinking 'why is this girl talking with us out this?'
I know, of all places i came here for guidance mainly out of desperation cause i have no idea who to ask advice on this and because there are some vanilla-turned-kinky fellows around here that maybe could enlighten me on how they went from one thing to another.
>What I am saying is that you need to be talking about this with him.
That's all i do, i try talking to him all the time but comes to a point where i feel i'm just being an annoyance about it. But it's either that or sitting back and wait for him to do something (which doesn't happen)
>You say that he's an avoidance type guy. Fine, don't let him avoid this discussion. Get him drunk, tie him to the headboard
I don't think this would work so well seeing as it would be very forced so not even being drunk could save that situation, if anything it would kill the sex drive even more and he'd probably be pissed at me for doing so.
>Yes it's a risk, yes it's hella scary, yes you'll probably have to jerk him up a few times when he tries to go sideways on you, but frankly, if it's gotten to the point where you're turning to 4chan for advice, it's a discussion that you NEED to have. Otherwise, you're liable to go on feeling unfulfilled, and that WILL kill the relationship or ruin your happiness or both.
You're completely right about this though, it's something i need to talk with him about but i was just hoping there would be people who were in the same situation as me and managed to pass through it or other people who feel like him and could advise me on how to deal with/ease him into it.
But thank you for you time anon, i greatly appreciate you guys trying to help.
OP have you considered the fact that he may be attracted to men in some way shape or form and is afraid of telling you about it? Maybe he's bisexual but in the closet
>>23889333
I have, he's very reserved so i don't think he even has an extreme kink but if he did he knows i'd be completely okay with it.
I guess i believe he tells the truth when he says he doesn't have a kink to his knowledge but i don't think he really want to find out either.
>>23889356
>I've done the same to mine and usually it just ends up in him awkwardly shugging it off or mumbling about how he feels odd talking about it. I've straight come out and told him this is what I like, what do you like? I want to please you, I want to be pleased, lets work together. This is how I feel and so on.
This exactly, i've lost count on how many times i've done this. Whenever i say like "i want to please you and make your fantasies through but you have to help me and give me something to work on" he's just like "i know you do but i dont knowwww"
>For some people it just isn't as simple as a conversation because the partner they have can shut down. It's a whole process if you want to stay with someone like that, you've got to be paitent and work it out slowly.
Yes, it's like a carefully thought procedure where you have to overthink every step in order not to scare them away or something. Can get so frustrating to the point of feeling hopeless not knowing what to do about it.
>>23889457
I've actually had that convo with him once or twice because i am bisexual so i've asked if he ever felt inclined to or had experiences and he just said there was a time he considered that but came to the conclusion that he could never feel attracted to men nor look at them that way.
Felt like a pretty honest answer and i don't see why he'd lie seeing as i am bi myself, i'd completely accept it.
>>23889450
>Nope you're wrong, i'm brunette.
hahaha zozzled
Also maby get your boyfriend really drunk and you never know what he might say. Who knows maby he just want's a good pegging, maby he's embarrassed for a reason lol.
>>23889458
I think due to the image of masculinity imposed by society, being a bisexual female is more widely accepted than being a bisexual male.
I mean, maybe he was being 100% honest and he's completely straight, but it's something to consider.
Another thing is the availability of sex. For some people (like me), the chase is a big part of what excites me. I like to be teased a little. When it's something I can just have whenever I want, it becomes less appealing. It's stupid, I know, but could be another explanation to his behavior.
I really don't know - I've never met either of you and don't know anything about the dynamics of your relationship, so these are just wild guesses. Someone who knows him better would probably be a much bigger help to you.
>>23889494
>I think due to the image of masculinity imposed by society, being a bisexual female is more widely accepted than being a bisexual male.
Yes but he knows my stance on it so idk if he'd feel the pressure to be masculine. Hell i've said that it would be fine if he wanted to try my clothes (not that i'm into that but was half joking half serious to see how he would react) and just nope, no tendencies to even crossdress nor bum stuff (barely lets me touch his balls cause its too sensitive), i just idk im hopeless hahaha
>When it's something I can just have whenever I want, it becomes less appealing. It's stupid, I know, but could be another explanation to his behavior.
Yes i've thought about this, a lot, cause during the "chase" he would literally not get off my back. Until i continued to show interest and now he might as well shrug me off lol
I do have needs though, which seems that's something he doesn't understand, and porn doesn't do anything for me to be honest, i don't have toys nor have the patience something to masturbate to "imagination" so it's like, i'm left with nothing and to suppress my sexual desires while he just chills about it and doesn't try?! I mean, that's not the most considered, i've never treated someone like that.
>Someone who knows him better would probably be a much bigger help to you.
There's no one that knows both enough for me to be comfortable talking about him this way, unfortunately.
Thank you all for trying to help
>>23891141
I'm not sure if you wanted to say something or if there was no point to the reply
mojoupgrade.com/
do et
