Depression Thread.
It is Wednesday. Tell me what is going on, share your stories, and just general depression discussion.
>>22888027
Family all hate me think im a freak due tothe way i look/dress. Have one friend and a gf that seems to take pity on me which i hate. Live in an extremely rasict town (black on white rasicm) which means i cant walk the streets huge masdochist but get people who dont even care about me jumping down my throat about self harm and i see no point in the concept of life. Whenever i see a house i think about domestic voilence abused children and people dying in general. Made a suicide atfempt last week slit my wrists then fell unconscious but didnt lock the door so here u am
May try again sometime soon :)
>>22888027
>Depression Thread
>on Normies: The Board
feeling pretty bad and guilty about a girl i was catfishing for a month figured me out.
Dont ask me why I do it cos i dont know.
>>22888040
>implying only ugly neets can have mental disorders
>talk to an anon from /soc/
>it's going really great feel like were connecting
>out of nowhere drops out of my life
Every single time. I don't know why I get bothered by this so much but it really does hurt when something that is serious to you is trivial to other people. Not talking to someone really destroys my days. I self harm, I barely get out of bed, I don't find joy in anything, and I keep checking my phone or apps to see if someone messaged me (they don't).
I haven't left the house in a week, but I know in a couple weeks (or less) I'll swing back round again.
Family want me to go to rehab for dual diagnosis and eating disorder, but I don't want to spend that much money
>>22888085
im incredibly in that possition , a week ago i started some excersies and i feel i bit bett
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELLa4J5OYscer now
>>22888095
>>22888101
im sorry this is the video... the first is to damm dificult
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqCaF5Is42E
>>22888101
>>22888085
Question this probably doesnt make sense but does anyone enjoy their depression in a weird way
- Existentialist isssues
Every night, I struggle to go to sleep because I constantly question existence. The fact that existence is unfair also bothers me a lot. Seeing people who don't deserve what happened to them like Stephen Hawking makes me hate life.
- Living in a third world shithole
I grew up in an environment where I could never integrate among the locals.
- Having to study the wrong degree.
- No friends. I get along with people in my school, but I can't form emotional bonds with them. They seem too irrelevant and inferior.
Ill just post my day yesterday
>alarm goes of at 8 am
>keep pressing snooze until 9 am
>turn on morning tier anime like non non biyori, shin chan, or nichijou or something
>put on pants that are next to bed without underwear
>put on sweater and beanie
>put on shoes with no socks
>walk to convenience store a block away
>buy a pack of marb smooth 100's, monster ultra blue, a banana, and a cliff bar
>walk home not taking a smoke yet
>go on balcony of apartment
>smoke and drink monster for about 40 minutes
>think about the people i miss
>think about the girl that doesnt love me
>think about how i think about how id be better off dead lately
>go back in
>shit, wash face, brush teeth, apply deodorant, spray cologne on chest
>think "hopefully nobody can smell the fact that i hate myself and want to die"
>find a boxers, socks and a button up shirt on the floor that dont smell too bad
>spray them with febreeze to be sure
>put on a cool pizza tie like pic related
>think "maybe a girl will think im cute"
>think "thats bullshit your going to die alone"
>watch anime and eat banana and cliff bar i got earlier until 11:30am
>walk to work at a local coffee shop 4 blocks away
>stare at ground, smoking and listening to la dispute the whole way
>arrive at work at 11:50
>grab myself a halfcaf coffee and go outside to have last smoke before shift starts
>proceed to make lattes with "art" on them for entitled students
>i only got hired because im good at latte art and have been doing this coffee shop thing for too long
>i make 13/hr plus 25 in tips a day
>i am alone behind counter (which is nice) and get to pick what music to play
>do this from noon until 10 cause nobody else could show up yesterday
>walk home
>stop at convenience store on the way home
>buy some shitty ass 3 day old sandwich
>get home
>immediately strip when i walk inside
>turn on night anime
>eat sandwich
>lay in bed
>sob uncontrollably
>fall asleep until 2am
>go outside for a smoke
>fall back asleep
I'm 21 and I've never, ever had a job. I don't own a car.
I don't live in a house.
I'm from Australia and I stay alive by stealing from fruit farms and cast-net fishing in shallow creeks.
I'm a girl, I have a dog called Pando and she protects me and keeps me warm at night.
>>22888263
oops didnt even see the you're
>>22888040
>>22888071
>implying /soc/ isn't more mentally ill than /r9k/
Today I woke up feeling in a depressive mood. Any of the games that I wanted to play have decided that today was a maintenance day. I don't know why I did, but I decided to check the Instagram of my ex. I didn't think it really affected me, but deep down I feel angry and frustrated. It is my fault so I will deal with it as so. Just fuck man why does this chick still bother me so much yet she can move on like I was nothing more than a phase. When can I learn to do that?
Hey guys we have a chat where we talk about feels and things with other people who have them. If you're interested, drop your skype or add winstoncurlyfries
>>22888263
You are me but in male form and the fact I work at a Starbucks and not any sort of independent shop
Eating disorder. Anorexia and bulimia. Depressed as hell, especially in winter it gets worse. Want to kill myself.
No friends, no family, no job, no money. Living on benefits, hell yeah. No education either.
My life sucks. It should end. Now.
Depression sucks, I know, but that's what makes you stronger in a way. You need to exercise and focus on improving your physical form, before your mental. Take up sports like boxing, mma, or bjj. They will help your self confidence. Listen to mmusic c that helps and stop feeling bad and start faking the happiness so gradually it's not fake. I know it's hard this mental war, but you gotta help yourself, and learn to forgive and not dwell on the past. Much LOVE
Must win this , gotta fight and get over whatever is clogging your thinking, you are important, but you gotta try. It'll get better with time, it sux I know.
>>22888146
>>- Living in a third world shithole
>I grew up in an environment where I could never integrate among the locals.
Fuck I know this feel so fucking well. I grew up on Western values in my shithole and can never feel a connection with people over here. Every fucking thing they do annoys the shit out of me.
This girl I'm super into who used to like me doesn't like me anymore. I've been laying in bed with no motivation to do anything for the past 2 days. I never asked for these feels.
>>22889105
i worked for starblizzles for 2 years, it sucks, i know. Once you become a supervisor it gets better.
>>22890411
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_MAlsjj8DU
Oh yeah, feels theme
Hello. I am depressed yay
>tfw no gf
Post my face in would you date me thread, only one response which is maybe, rest just completely ignore
>>22890376
>>22890395
"You cant talk anyone out of what they do or into trying something new. What you can do is give them the outcome of their story and a choice."
-muh therapist
For us:
>we either learn how to cope in healthy ways that extend our lives
or
>we end up killing ourselves.
Theres comfort in knowing that there are really only two outcomes for me
>>22890422
Yeah I haven't been working there very long and I'm already annoyed by 12 year olds and their fucking fraps. I'm going to eventually move to an independent local shop where people actually care what they put into their mouths
>>22888263
that sucks man, at least you have a pretty decent job that pays pretty well. You should look into getting a pet like a cat or something.
>>22888286
then how are you posting.
>>22888315
i stumbled on an exes blog which made me check her instagram, which is never a good idea. The worst part is that she still wanted to be friends when i initially broke it off with her. But she hasn't talked to me or gotten in contact so I assume she's done with me :?
>>22891608
its still annoying though. That part never gets better. People order nonfat lattes and expect a masterpiece like their friends but skim doesnt froth right. Your only saving like 60 calories for a drink thats just worse in general.
>>22892062
you're*, shit
>>22891679
apartment doesnt allow animals otherwise id have like 10 cats and a pug
>that sucks man
i dont really want sympathy i just dont want people to think they are alone in feeling like shit even if theyre doing alright in most aspects of daily life.
I don't think I have depression any longer. I forced myself out of it somehow, and I stopped feeling everything. I broke up with my girlfriend last week and I no longer have any friends. I didn't really feel anything apart from alienation and a slight amount of guilt and self-loathing.
am i retarded
>>22888286
>I stay alive by stealing from fruit farms and cast-net fishing in shallow creeks
lol wtf you must be joking
are you sure you dont live in gilenor?
>>22892173
I think that depression where you feel sad all the time is a meme. I think real depression is where you can't feel anything and cry sometimes for no reason. Its not a gut feeling but the feeling of nothing at all. Not happy or sad or angry just nothing, no motivation for anything better, you may eat too much or too little. Idk.
Its been a week if 2 years from now you still think about the same girl and have the same job with no changes you probably still have depression.
don't know what the fuck keeps me going, I am disgusted at much of the world and its inhabitants. I feel nothing from drugs other than the shitty symptoms. I'm real self aware and I'm convinced my life aint gonna get better since nothing ever happens.
>>22892062
So much this. Oh and 'upside down' caramel macchiatos piss me off. Just order a fucking latte. I live in Texas so the majority of my customers are white and fat and think that venti is Spanish so they try to pronounce it as such and it's embarrassing
>>22892316
I actually used to call out upside down CM's as "grande vanilla latte with caramel drizzle" just to piss people of
"is this my drink"
yeah because an upside down CM is a vanilla latte with caramel drizzle
iced CM's always hurt me to make, a part of me died when i had to make one.
>>22892316
where i work now if someone asks for a CM i make an EM with caramel and tell them thats what they ordered
I've been looking for a place to complain and whine for a while but I'm too sleepy now
>>22888085
I'm yours and you're mine let's always message each other
>>22892146
sorry man i'm just really sympathetic, but i know how you feel
>>22892389
>>22892408
To me everything at Starbucks tastes like garbage. The only thing I'll make myself is a green tea with agave or a chai latte with soy. The food is pretty terrible too.
At the Starbucks I work for we aren't allowed free anything but I normally just make my own drinks and accidentally 'drop' food when I'm hungry.
>>22891679
At least she wanted to. My ex wants nothing to do with me at all. I stopped trying to contact in April knowing it is pointless and hurts me. I need to get over here and move on. Not really sure how to do that if my subconscious keeps reminding me of her. I also want to start getting into shape. Might help me work towards feeling better, but I think I need someone who understands exercise well to give me some advice. I honestly don't feel like asking /fit/ so I have been putting it off.
>>22892594
well that's the thing, the second to last time i talked to her she told me to fuck off. The last time i saw her she seemed kinda happy to see me but that was the last time i talked to her. I'm not really in the position to give exercise stuff, but i'm sure /fit/ has a wiki or something that you could read up on stuff
>>22888085
most people on this board are usually suffering from extreme social anxiety or are just looking for a temporary distraction from their real life. i wouldn't take it as anything personal, people end up getting caught up in issues irl, it doesn't mean they like you any less.
>>22888039
do you still live at home? if you're going to kill yourself, at least wait until you can get out of that situation and see what life can be like without them holding you down, when you can make it on your own and not worry about people shoving their opinions down your throat. moving out and distancing myself from family (who i haven't talked to in years) was the best decision i ever made in my life.
how old are you, if you mind me asking? are you in a position to get away from things, or is that your issue? sorry if i'm rambling, i've just had a lot of similar issues
>>22888095
do you want to get better? if you don't want to, you won't get better. if you do, you should force yourself to spend the money, even if it's expensive.
>>22888121
misery enjoys company, i enjoy my misery a lot of times because i can find beauty in the ugly things and meaning in things i normally couldn't. watching depressing and sad movies feels good because it feels like i'm sharing something intimate with the people in them. also, crying can feel damn good.
i usually feel more in tune with my emotions, even if they're chaotic at times, after a really bad episode i always feel more clear headed and have a better understanding of myself, if that makes sense.
sometimes i hate it, but at the same time i also don't know what i'd do without it.
>>22890331
have you tried getting back in school? they have a shit ton of grants that are easy to get. all those things you listed are fixable, although i know anorexia and bulimia are a pain in the ass from experience. you deserve to be happy, anon.
personally, i had an issue with control and getting back into school helped my anamia.
>>22892504
i have worked for coffee shops since i was 16 (im 22 now) and i love everything about coffee even though i drink monsters to wake up in the morning. Even when i worked at starfucks i enjoyed it. I like everyone who walks in and knows what they are getting and are easily pleased and ok with a mistake or two every now and again.
I put a note next to my tip jar that says "if you want to be a snob your drink won't be right the second time either"
>>22890411
what happened? did you guys get into a fight, stop talking? something had to have happened for her to suddenly not like you. tell me and i'll see what i can try to do to help, anon.
>>22892173
you might be feeling a bit of depersonalization/derealization, basically what happens when you're trying to repress your depression and high feelings of anxiety/stress. i hope it doesn't hit you all at once anon, i had the same thing happen, i felt nothing for months and then suddenly i had a break down and a panic attack and a few weeks later was diagnosed with ptsd.
I havent spoke to my family in a few months.
The girl i loved dumped me because i was to depressed, still can't get over her.
All i do is sit around and play vidoe games and smoke weed cause i have nothing better to do. (besides work)
I have no motivation for life.
And i feel like life is at a stand still.
>>22892701
I seriously have no idea man. One day everything was going great and normal and the next day suddenly she just becomes distant as fuck. I don't get it man, this happens to me every fucking time I try to get close to a female. Am I just fucking boring or something? Is this what I'm doomed to deal with forever? Is this female nature? Anyways, thanks for caring.
>>22892669
dont drink monsters just drink coffee. its much healthier.
Loneliness started to get to me mid september.
Never been in a relationship and my social skills are really bad. Nervous and anxious to approach girls or even people in general out in public, I have managed to lose over 15kg so far, weighed about 113kg Mid September.
Not insecure about my penis really since its 5.5 inches, but hyper-sensitive as fuck.
I may be slightly insecure about my virginity since virgins have been rejected before.
i'm almost positive i have clinical depression
i've been sitting in my room doing basically fuck all for the last 2-3 years
whenever i'm not distracted by mindless escapism (video games work best, though i rarely really enjoy them anymore) i feel horrible and i want to die
i have a lot of fear for the future but i can't find the motivation to do anything about it
i tried to break it to my parents about a year ago (didn't mention the wanting to die bit, don't have it in me to tell them that) and they didn't believe me
to this day my mother thinks all i need is a change of attitude/habits and believes me perfectly capable of achieving it without any external help
i have no money to see a therapist on my own, otherwise i would've done so ages ago
please advise
Where to start... i have been diagnosed with many things. I have depression and anxiety that stems from borderline personality disorder. I was diagnosed with PTSD three years ago making it so i Haven't slept for more than five hours a night in 2 years. I graduated high school and things went to shit. Girlfriend of a year and a half left 2 months ago, saying i was to introverted and depressed. Can't find any way to move on. Cause myself pain by looking at her pictures on social media of her and her new boyfriend. Life went downhill fast for me. I can't find enjoyment in anything. I have anxiety attacks of im around anyone, including my family. Don't leave my room. Can't eat without getting sick. Lost 60 pounds in 2 months. My few friends left for the same reason my girlfriend did. I cant see any signs of things getting better. Not looking for sympathy. Just trying to get some shit off my chest. Any advice would be helpful. Unless the advice boils down to "just try not to be that way". That just doesn't help
My life doesn't look like its going anywhere. I have depression, anxiety, and schizoid personality disorder... Depression is bad enough on its own, but when teamed up with anxiety and my personality disorder, it makes living a normal life near impossible.
I recently lost my desire to find a significant other and got rid of all my friends.
Now I seek a female to talk to, to see if I can reacquire my desire for a significant other or if it is gone for good.
>>22894398
>>22894443
Not saying I'd be much help but I'm 23/F with bipolar disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder
If you have a kik you can reach me at creepitcuddly
>>22892620
I'm sure but it's be better to talk to someone on a one on one basis. I have a bad leg and I'm pretty out of shape due to my shut in tendencies. Luckily I've maintained a light weight. I just wine up right now I'm feeling better than I did but I really want to feel loved again but at the same time I don't want to try in to not get hurt again.
>>22888304
>implying that the difference between boards matters
4chan is the asshole of the internet
>be 19
>mom and us kids go visit her family for vacation
>dad goes off on his own vacation
>we get back home before dad
>mom is sick of dad's abuse
>we pack our things and donate most of our shit to thrift shops
>move across the country to live with my aunt
>say goodbye to all my childhood friends just as my social life was getting good
>revert back to anxious depressed personality
>turn 20 but nobody notices
>move out of aunt's house
>move into new apartment
>can't afford school
>have a lot of suicidal ideations
>find free therapist with low-income insurance
>get a job and work for a year
>spend a lot of time alone
>discover 4chan
>school starts
>quit stupid min wage job with boss that demands me to be fake happy all the time just to sell shit
>rent and bills swallow up my savings
>broke, lonely, demotivated and trying not to fail my classes so the state doesn't charge me my financial aid amount
>don't feel like getting a job even though I need it
>spend the majority of every day on 4chan
>no motivation to do what I enjoy
>get sick
>migraines
>skip class
>think about suicide often
>distract myself with memes and ironic shitposting
>not even laughing
>just feel empty all the time
I don't have it so bad but next time you see memes and ironic shitposting, think of me anons
>>22895116
besides being asian, I think I fulfill the stereotype of the average 4channer:
>daddy issues
>lazy, no motives
>memes and ironic shitposting to distract myself from responsibilities
>>22888263
>alarm goes of at 8 am
>keep pressing snooze until 9 am
>turn on morning tier anime
Stopped reading here. Starting the day by wasting your time? How old are you, 12?
>>22888286
Damn, sounds like an interesting life for sure. What happened and why can't you get a job?
>>22890331
At least you aren't fat.
>>22893985
>have managed to lose over 15kg so far, weighed about 113kg Mid September.
Doing pretty good, anon. Keep progressing and shit will improve.
>>22894188
>i've been sitting in my room doing basically fuck all for the last 2-3 years
That's called "being a loser". Sounds like you're just too lazy to do shit, so the advice would be, do shit. Anything that can be considered as self imporvement, be it working out or coding.
>>22895143
Yeah, you sound like the average person here. Same as above, start doing shit, m80.
>>22888027
I had depression for probably a good 10 years before I even admitted it to myself and it took another couple years and a ruined relationship before I would go to counseling and get medicated.
Now I'm a 29 year old virgin whose just has to wonder where the years went. I am actually doing very well right now, emotionally, financially and I'm in the best shape of my life.
One of the meds I'm on (plus the better physical health) has turned my already high sex drive even higher. Now I just want to exchange v-cards with a cutie and have a wonderful, caring, loving relationship with a ton of ridiculous sex.
Where have the years gone, indeed.
>>22890462
Here's what you have to remember about those threads. 1) If you're being ignored then it's a soft no, meaning you're not horrifying but don't have attractive pictures. 1a) That doesn't mean you are not attractive just that your pictures aren't, leading toward...2) The guys/girls that get lots of 'yes's spent an hour prepping themselves and took at least 100 pictures before finding a good one and probably editing it a little bit as well.
In other words, people get ready for those 'would you date me?' pictures the same way a normal person gets ready for an actual date. If you want validation from strangers on the internet (mixed with a bit of scorn), just do that. If you want someone to think you're attractive in real life, put the effort those people put into those pictures into your walking around look and start...well, walking around.
>>22888085
if you want some insight, i do this sometimes
for me it's usually because of self-loathing and feeling like i'm dragging everyone around me down, so i just run away
>>22897121
Youre right man, I dont put enough effort in, so I probably shouldn't deserve a gf anyways
>>22897183
At least you have an attitude better than the idiotic "but I am a nice guy" faggots.
>>22888085
Then fucking message them if you're interested? People got lifes, anon and if they don't, they might have 200+ people on every social app, so unless you're their best friend, you won't get too much attention.
>>22897183
"What I deserve" is a trap, the greatest trap. It gives you permission to be down and feel like it's ok and it defines you. People will do what they'll do, some will like you, some won't. You start trying to determine your market value by yourself with zero input from others (chiefly a good sample of women you're attracted to) and you'll always land on the same square, but as soon as you can get out of that faulty logic spiral (and it takes time, mental practice and some stumbling) you will find yourself in a better place of your own design and others will place more value on you because of it. I speak purely about relationships, of course, innate value is something that has to come from within.
>>22896933
>Starting the day by wasting your time?
>12?
yeah i waste time on an anonymous imageboard originally created for the sole purpose of discussing anime/manga. There is this really cool website called reddit that wasn't originally created for the discussion of anime/manga. You might like wasting time there more.
but anyways,
thanks for noticing me and putting me straight, you're a big help. I really appreciate your opinion and im going to take it to heart
Failed school last year because my ex broke up with me a week before my exams.
After 7 months everything was going fine. got fired from my job because I didn't fit in well.
Still have 6 months left until I can try my exam again. Not doing anything with my life. feeling miserable lonely and afraid Im going to fuck up my future even more.
Not happy with my current relationship. Nothing in common. To depressed to finish it scared of being alone.
Constant thoughts of suicide are on my mind. But im still strong enough to not actually do it.
>>22897351
>You might like wasting time there more.
Nah, I prefer not to waste time by creating an account before I can waste my time. It leaves me with more time that I don't waste and do something to advance my future, you could try it too, anon. Unless I fail to notice how watching anime does it, keep doing it then.
Glad you agree, while we're at that I would also suggest to smoke Luckies and drink Rockstar, though this is bit subjective. Take care.
>>22897707
>goes on /soc
>on 4chan
>to advance future
mfw
>luckies and rockstar
i remember when i thought i was so unique and cool too. Its too bad rockstar doesn't come toasted too cause i feel like it matters.
When i kill myself, ill use your edges as razors
>>22897771
Tbh /soc/ actually got quite a few useful elements that indeed help a project, which in turn advances my future ... but I wasn't exactly suggesting you to change your favorite board, just spend lesser time on pointless shit like 4chan and anime, use the said time for something positive, w/e is on your mind. You'll instantly feel better and will be a better person as a side effect.
>i remember when i thought i was so unique and cool too.
Better get back to that again. Your defeatist attitude has barely any benefits.
>When i kill myself, ill use your edges as razors
I would recommend, not to kill yourself in the first place but if you truly insist on it, I'd suggest a more success promissing method like drugs or jumping from a high place. Also razors blades are pretty shit, no matter the edge, straight-razor is the way for /wrist
>>22897858
im not a bad person s-senpai, i just hate when people disrespect the only reason this site exists. Its like hating phillip morris but liking marlboro, its dumb, just like not liking anime and being on 4chan.
>pointless shit like 4chan and anime
my entire friend group wouldn't exist without an anime/dnd common bond (i posted flyers at my shop and started a group of degenerates), 4chan is pointless, i agree, but i don't have a facebook or twitter or tumblr or whatever everyone uses nowadays, its my only waste of time internet wise (other than posting comics i draw on a blog of mine)
i don't know why im even arguing, im falling into a circlejerk i dont want to be a part of
you win this time master memer
>>22898516
>people disrespect the only reason this site exists
But anon, I never did that. You're way too defensive and overlook the entire point.
>other than posting comics i draw on a blog of mine)
That's what I meant with positive activities, sempai!
>i don't know why im even arguing
Analyze it then, go in deeper!
>you win this time master memer
Obviously. Have a nice day/evening.
I keep having these terrible panic attacks and I don't know what to do. My mind goes blank. Then I cut to feel something. And then it all rushes in and I start pacing and breathing really fast and crying. I can do that for about ten minutes straight. And then my mind goes blank again. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how to make it better. I just want to be normal
>>22898770
Bad news, mate, I doubt there is too much you can do to really change it, just learning to live with them better.
Though my knowledge about em comes from
>http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-everyone-gets-wrong-about-panic-attacks/
So yeah.
>>22898790
But they just started one day and I have no idea why. Its not even a diagnosed thing. I just get them. I shouldn't even have anything to panic over
>>22898811
> I shouldn't even have anything to panic over
That's not how it works, if you really have panic attacks, any dumb shit can trigger them.
>But they just started one day
That's more how it works.
And well, better get a diagnosis, perhaps the doc could give you some crap to help keeping it more controlled.
It isn't helping that the girl I like has been ignoring me. I just failed an important test, and my mother thinks I'm going to suicide, it actually made me think of doing it, and by thinking about that, I've felt really unhappy these days.
She's probably ignoring me because I asked her out, and I'm a manlet. There's no point in pursuing something when your destiny of being unhappy has been already decided since you were born.
I've tried being alpha as fuck, I didn't really care for her in the beginning, but she made me think a lot, she acted like she was having a really great time with me.
I wonder what changed her, or if she was just a dud. At the end of the day she made me think I was finally going to be a little happy, but I guess it was all just a lie.
I just want to love someone, and in my eyes it is not even that hard. Past times have been my own consciouss fuck ups... but this time it is really different, I don't know what did I do wrong to deserve that threatment from her.
Loneliness is killing me, and my friends think I'm a hard-boiled man, but I just need someone to pour all my heart onto. All this cold-hearted act that I have to do everyday is really making me more depressing.
Fuck, I guess I have to live with that, and my musical career is going to fall thanks to that. I can't even show proper emotion during performances because I can't feel shit, and piano playing requires you to be as emotional as you can.
I'm pretty good at learning technical shit, but even if I can write a neo-classical piece but I can't perform it how I want, then there's no use.
Fuck this, and fuck my life.
>>22898878
I don't even know what it is. How am I supposed to know how it works. I've never had any traumatic experiences. I don't have triggers
>>22898941
Well, from what I got (again, I am not a professional in any way) is that you don't necessary need triggers from the past and it can just randomly happen, since life loves kicking us in the balls/cunt so bad.
> be 19 years old
> currently living in Ontario, Canada
> previously lived in Florida, U.S
> born in Jamaica
> within the first 12 months of living out of the U.S realise how crappy the situation has gotten over there
> mass shootings, race war baiting, police brutality , economic shitfest galore
> Wants to believe in what's actually going on behind closed doors on the world stage
> discovered many conspiracy theories and government cover ups from MK-Ultra, Gulf of Tonkin, Op Northwoods, to 9/11
> researched extensively on reasons and theories behind the race related problems in the world
> can't accept these theories of mass brainwashing and division among ethnic lines on a global scale without being an Anti-Semite
> thinks skin colour determines your fate and how you will live your life
> finds articles and graphs on race comparisons;Intelligence Quotients and SAT national scores and crime and poverty stats
> finds out the truth about his own race
> refuses to accept the fact that he belongs to a worthless race
> tries to disassociate himself from his race in an attempt to be seen higher than his own people
> gets bombarded with questions by non-black people about himself and black people in general
> explains to non-black people every single time when one of his own commits a crime and is broadcast on national television
> academic marks plunge at the start of senior year due to "I'm a failure"mentality and hopelessness of my future
> thinks race mixing will only have horrible effects on the offspring ( confusion of ones race or cultural identity and psychological problems will persist into their life) along with lower than average IQ and being vulnerable to certain diseases.
> realizes he can't be with a different woman other than his own
> occasionally contemplates suicide because no non-black woman would want to be with him out of fear of abuse, failure to provide for ones family, no high salary career, not being able to become successful in life
>>22898991
If troll, pretty decent, very solid effort, 6/10.
If you're serious, read anything at least semi-related to science behind your "worries" or just use your brain for a second and stop buying into /pol/ bullshit.
>>22898965
Well fuck
>>22899042
yeah literally serious and how did you know it was /pol/ tier?
Whenever I'm depressed, I remember this:
The only thing that burns in hell,
is the part of you that won't let go of your life,
your memories, your attachments,
they burn them all away.
But they're not punishing you he said,
they're freeing your soul.
If you're frightened of dying,
and you're holding on,
you'll see devils tearing your life away.
But if you've made your peace,
then the devils are really angels freeing you from the earth.
It's just a matter of how you look at it that's all,
so don't worry okay.
>tfw life is boring
>no irl friends anymore
>in school, but too scared to talk to people
>completely isolated, no social media, i had bdd when i was 14-17 and as a result i couldn't take pictures of myself so i just never bothered with it
>daydream my life away
ugh
Hey guys how is it going? I am feeling better. I think I ended up getting sick yesterday. I was burning up but freezing at the same time. Took a ibprofin and hot water with honey now I am feeling good. My depression is lingering but doing my best to not let it bring me down.
Suffered clinical depression for about 20 years. I cope, but I know I'll never be cured and it's only a matter of time before I kill myself.
>>22888027
girlfriend of four years dumped me straight out of the blue yesterday. she texted me saying she just wasnt in love with me anymore and for me not to waste my time trying to talk to her. she blocked me on everything and i dont know what to do, i just feel so alone and my heart hurts so much.
>>22901224
Not much you can do but continue on with your life. If you dwell on it it will eat you alive. Focus on stuff that makes you happy or fulfilled. If you dont have anything focus on looking for such things. You will be depressed and grieve over it. It'll pass eventually. Just don't let it drown you.
>>22901091
I've had it for 17 years. It was only in the last year and a half that I made a choice to try anything that might cure me of depression. Meds take the edge off, but that is about it. Ayahuasca, bio energy healing, shamanic healings, a soul retrieval and transcranial magnetic stimulation are all the things I tried. The only one that worked is the most recent which is transcranial magnetic stimulation. I am off anti depressant and not suicidal. I hope to start another course of treatment with it if my insurance approves it.
Keep trying. Anything and everything. Best of luck to you.
>>22893889
Jesus Christ, I think you might be me. This is exactly how I feel. Got dumped by text last night. Exact same shit. Everything was perfect then bam. "I don't think this is working." Seems like most my relationships end that way.
>>22901224
Sounds like you're the winner man. If she's the kinda person that dumps some by text and then completely cuts you out of her life, I'd hate to be the one with her 50 years down the line.
>>22905793
>>22901224
What the fuck man. Like I said earlier the exact same thing happened to me. Fucking women, man. God dammit.
I fucked my term's grades while on academic probation, due to general depression. Dunno if i'm gonna get kicked out of school.
Job went to shit because i was being a dumbass talking about how i stayed up all night the night before one time on break to a co worker and a manager heard and has it out for my ass now cause of it. Pretty much handing as many shifts off as i can to coworkers until next rescheduling where i can quit without quitting.
Cant sleep. Cant bring myself to talk to my parents about any of this because i think they'll be ashamed. Isolating myself from my friends. Dunno what to do in the future. Dont know where to socially interact without school or work.
I'm still lifting, running, swimming and generally keeping in shape, but i want to die.
I have work in 6 hours and i cant sleep.
>>22905849
Shit sucks, man. It helps a bit to know I'm not alone though, as horrible as that sounds. Bitches.
>>22905793
>>22905928
>>22905849
Implying she didn't give you 14241515 hints before. Nobody would act like that if the relationship was even close to okay and shit was obviously far from perfect but you were just too blind to notice it.
>>22906658
Fuck you dude. If a girl wants to play bullshit mind games and give me stupid little "hints" instead of straight up telling me she's not happy with the way things are going, then she can fucking fuck off. That's some high school bullshit and you know it.
>>22906690
It got nothing to do with HS type of hints, as a competent partner it's your responsibility to notice if something isn't right. Not to say that chicks who act like that are bitches but let's not willow in self pity and blame everything on the other side.
>>22906658
You're probably right. I assumed she keked me, because randomly she started talking about these guys non-stop that she never even gave a shit about before. Now it's just not working. In retrospect, I saw she was getting distant a week or so ago, but wanted to ignore it.
>>22906690
This also though. I expected her to be real with me, not force me to read her mind to figure out every little thing that could be wrong.
>>22906707
Fine. I probably did something but I don't know what it was. Still mad about it.
>>22906731
Anybody would over such a pussy way to break up. The positve is, that you aren't together with a person who can't deal with issues anymore and better off in the future.
My point was simply, that you see that shit coming miles ago if you actualy pay attention and the hints are noticeable for anybody who isn't full autist. Analyzing it might help you in future relationshits.
>>22906712
>In retrospect, I saw she was getting distant a week or so ago
Shit like that.
I just can't get past feeling like life is pointless.
All I really want to do with myself is live in the Mojave Desert, draw comics for a living and shoot guns in my free time. But that seems so far away from where I currently am that it feels impossible.
>>22906780
That's literally all I do, except replace drawing comics with wasting my time getting a degree. It's not a bad existence.
>>22907891
I'm so envious.
As a guy who was abused to fuck by his own parents as a child, all I want is a depressed gf who has been through similar
Where the fuck do I find one in rural England
>>22908133
If you don't mind indians and Mexicans, I would honestly recommend it. Arizona and Utah would probably be the better places too, because less strict gun laws.
>>22908186
Whats wrong with Nevada?
It is a sad day when you realize the world would be a better place without your pitiful existence in it. I can't remember what having fun is like, for the past 6 years my whole life has revolved around drugs. And now I'm sober, which is supposed to be a good thing and yet I feel much worse than before. I have all these regrets, the shit I've seen and done. It haunts me, it really is as they say. The easy part is getting clean now comes the hard part, "life". And I'm like how do I live? Reality is so fucking boring, I can't drink. If I have one glass of whiskey I end up drinking the whole bottle. And if you don't go out drinking on the weekends then what can you do? Nothing, because that's what people do here, so I'm left whining on the internet and wishing I would die any day now.
>>22908193
It's just a little more of a pain in the ass to get a concealed carry permit than it is in Utah and Arizona. If that doesn't bother you, Nevada's a really nice state.
>>22908202
Better? No.
Your existence has been inconsequential to the world, trust me. Most of our existence has been. I don't think you're looking at it properly. You're not making the world a worse place, nor a better one. You're in the world and whether your existence is pitiful or not isn't consequential to the quality of the world.
Just my two cents. But yeah, shit is boring without friends.
>>22908209
Concealed carry isn't as big of an issue for me since thats something I'd care more about in an urban area.
Ever since my mom died ive had a hard time with many things. i used to be that popular funny kid. Now i only hang with my fucked up guy friends that have the same humor as i do. ive fallen in love plenty of times, had some few teen love experiences but i keep ruining my chances cause of some stupid thoughts that keep popping in my head. now for 2 years ive been going with the "i dont need anyone" mood. But every once in a while i still cant help myself from thinking "why have i never had a girl that really loved me" im 18.. and im still waiting and hoping my life will change.
>>22908817
desu, i think im weak. every time i think of doing something that may struggle me a bit mentally, im always like "nah i cant possibly do that" im so mentally weak...
im usually depressed, but for some reason im a good mood right now
i think it 'cause for all the shitty people out there, you can meet some genuine interesting people to hang out with
maybe one day ill meet them and share stories
but for now I chill, listen to some music, and have a fap
UK, so will probably stay up for a while and enjoy it while it lasts.
I have SAD, can't focus, sleep or find the motivation to leave the house.
The only reason i go to work is so i can afford to hide in my apartment the rest of the time.
In my second year of university, this year has been especially hard and Ive recently failed 2 exams. I feel like everyone is just dealing with me, and are laughing at me behind my back. I'm paranoid they all think im making it up, I am terrified of my upcoming exams because if i fail them i'll fail 2 of my classes.
>was feeling happy for once because finally arrived at college when I thought I would never make it
>now the charm is fading
>everything's getting on my nerves
>starting to get aggravated by my roommate who I considered a good friend of mine until I realized how vastly different we are as people
>haven't said a word to him in probably a week
>all my high school friendships that actually meant something to me have become Skype friendships
>started to break down over Skype with my best friend the other night but haven't felt that down since
>just feel empty and depersonalized
>starting to feel more like a movie character than an actual person
>have two best friends, who started dating about a year ago.
>Have to work together with the girl for a few months and we spend a lot of time together and she starts hinting she likes or at least liked me.
>start crushing on her hard lately.
I am a bad man
Going to college, feel isolated, bitter, hurt. Have anxiety attacks or whatever, nightmares don't go away. Have trouble connecting to people. Eat like Shit, drink too much. I miss hanging out with this girl who dropped off the face of the earth. I miss my ex-gf. Feel abandoned all the time.
Shit sucks
>24
>My youth is gone
>Almost completely socially isolated, have no online friends and only one real life friend I only get to see every 4-6 months
>No job, trying to get internships but nothing
>kv
>Never got to do all the stuff I wanted
>No hope
I'm pretty much just waiting for my mom to die so I can kill myself
Been depressed since I was 16, I'm 24 now. I don't even know the reason why. I just can't be bothered dealing with this shit anymore.
I have a noose between my bed and wall ready for when I finally get the courage, I hope I do soon but it's been there for a while now.
My wife left me.
GF Left me because she's "Still fragile from the last relationship".... there isnt an hour in which i dont cry... just cant handle it she was everyhting to me, still is.... I feel like im dead, nothing is the same anymore, can't sleep, can't eat and when im home i just freeze on the couch crying...
>>22911528
You're in my exact situation, except I'm 25.
>>22908844
My mood is generally depressive but I have been happier this past week. For absolutely no reason at all
its sunday and I dont want to do anything
my bathroom needs cleaning, there is a literal mountain of clothes on my couch that needs to be sorted out
I feel like I'm on some antidepressant, days go way fucking fast and I'm literally living on fast forward mode like a fucking plant
I'm also a 25 years old high school dropout with some kind of shitty small business that barely stays afloat, without any long term solutions or plans.
no girlfriend, shitty friends that are selfish cunts, hobbies arent fun anymore
I dont even know anymore man. I hate being like this, I hate this shitty mood I am in all the fucking time, I hate the fact that I have literally spent half of my 20s being depressed. This is not how prime of my life should be.
I'm 27 years old, 6'5, fit, have a great job, am outgoing and passionate, etc. Sounds great, right? Everyone keeps telling just how fucking great it sounds.
The problem is that I'm alone. I've always been alone. I don't have a family. I don't have anyone I can call a close friend. I've been single for more than 3 years. I just can't do it. People hurt me. I'm not a "nice guy". I just can't fucking do it. Every time I'm in a relationship or even when I get close to someone, it hurts. I'm lied to, I'm played with, I'm cheated on. I'm constantly told "Oh, Austin, just find better people. It'll happen." but it just doesn't. Every single time I get close to someone the same thing happens. People don't care about my feeling. People don't care about what I think. People don't care about me. Is it bad that that's all I want out of life? I don't know. I genuinely don't know what it's like to love someone. I don't know what it's like to be close to someone. It fucking kills me inside knowing this. I'm not a bad person. I do everything in my power to make those I like happy. Maybe that's my flaw. Maybe people see that and take advantage of it. I don't fucking know. I really just can't take it and I don't have any reason to live. None of you care, but I have no one to tell this to.
No family because they're dead
Not satisfied with friends and hardly get to see them unless I go out of state
Living in the middle of nowhere because I don't really have any other choice. I tried to build a social life but couldn't really relate to people
I have goals, but I don't feel like I'll ever really achieve them
It's very likely I won't make it to 50 due to genetic health problems which means I'm already past "middle age" and it feel almost pointless to do much.
I was hearing voices in like an engine noise so I decided to slit my vein and I succeeded but then I saw the blood and freaked out a bit and then it stopped bleeding in my bathtub and I never told my family about it, only people... The voices stopped, so I'm happy as hell. Next time I won't deal with my problems in that manner ever again.
I've been sleeping nonstop. I'm feeling incredibly hypersensitive. Noises, even small noises, make me want to snap and scream my lungs apart. Fuck, I don't want to be alive right now.
>>22915010
That's rough man, sorry to hear it. I would try to move out of where you are, maybe try applying for ss/disability because of your health and maybe they'll pay for an apartment in a city or something. Easier said than done I know, but I hope you can at least move someday.
>>22888027
> Happy go lucky for most of my life
> Make friends easily, let them go easily
> Friends, lovers throughout the years try to hang on to me
> I always leave them behind and wander on, burning bridges behind me
> More than a few times, I enjoy watching their pain, because I have a bit of a cruel streak
> Think of myself as completely independent, don't need no one
> Meet the love of my life
> The one person I don't want to let go or abandon
> Completely, heads over heels in love, think I've met someone that I will spend my life with
> But then, she leaves me
> Completely cuts me out of her life
> Won't even talk to me
> For the first time, I experience what it's like when someone you love cuts you out and leaves you in the cold
> It hurts
> And what's more, now that I'm older, it's not so easy to make friends anymore
> I am left alone, abandoned, in the ruins of my life
> No friends, no one I formed any lasting bonds with
> And now, it's too late to really find that kind of connection
God has a sense of humor. Don't do what I did.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kh7rT53_jt8
I'm trying to hold on and find a reason to live, but I keep coming up empty. I've squandered my life, I've tossed aside friends, I've abandoned lovers, and now it's too late to ever really find someone. This is probably all going to end in suicide, someday. The funny thing is the thought of that kind of cheers me up. My life has a bit of an odd narrative to it. Maybe one day I'll be a lesson people can learn from.
Hello, my name's LighterFluid, I'm gunna ramble a little about my (what I believe to be) a miserable fucking existance.
> 27 years old
> 3 years in neetdom
> Spend the majority of my time drawing, reading, playing games.
> 'what is the point in my life'
>I have a few good friends, but only make the effort to see one of them few times a month.
>talk to ex a lot (i broke up with her) she's coming up to see me tomorrow.
>We are going to fuck a lot, winnerwinnerchickendinner
>I still love her, but she dates people, told me about a guy she fucked yesterday (wow that really hurts) but says she still loves me.
>I haven't slept with anyone since her, but i've had some good times on skype with some ladies.
>cry
>tfw everyone elses life seems to be moving forward, or atleast somewhere, and you're standing still.
>have anxiety/panic attacks occasionally for 'no reason' stops me from leaving the house at times.
>Bitter about my parents leaving me when I was a child. Now parents are trying to make up for failing.
>Abandonment issues
>don't trust anyone
>no aspirations
>no dreams
>just..nothing :/
Not saying I'm depressed, just wish I knew what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing exactly. I'm just wandering around in a circle. Get another shitty job? No.
People are constantly telling me to 'do something with ur art' but like what I have no fucking idea..So I'm just doing nothing, simply because I have no clue what/who/where to turn too.
There it is, if you read it, thanks.
>>22916504
First thing you should do is to tell your ex to gtfo of your life, she is just sucking the life out of you. I've been in that same situation and it is hell, but for the rest I have no idea since I am giant fuck up.
>>22916518
Thanks for reading and understanding man. I think I'm going too, to her face. It's just so hard to think about doing because I feel like I'm the one losing out.
>>22916534
Yeah I know what you mean, but in the end it's worth saving yourself from the psychological torture. I didn't have the strength to end it for a long time, and when I finally did it made me hate myself and especially women. But I got over it and so will you bro.
23 neet nothing is interesting everything makes me anxious aaaaaaa.
I've pretty much failed everyone, I'm sorry.
I'm starting my new job today (in 2 hours) not slept... I haven't worked in years and I'm really socially awkward. terrified everyone's going to hate me and think I'm weird again :(
thats not all that's going on in my life but it's the most pressing concern at this moment
also I have genital warts and no one will ever love me.
>>22888027
I have tons of stupid problems cos of my family, my childhood, chemical imbalances or whatever, etc. But what I really wanna post about is how much of a fucking attention whore I am.
I cut a word into my upper thigh. I slashed ten scars on the other upper thigh. My wrist is slashed up (but that's cos I really did wanna die). And now I'm so so so pissed about it. Obviously insecure about it, but just pissed. I wish I cut someplace less noticeable but instead i decided to be a faggot and be a tumblr cutter (never posted pics online tho thank god kek).
>>22916596
Soon you will reach the paranoia phase where you start believing someone is making you live like this, I believe it's the brain trying to rationalize actually living in these horrid conditions like who would do this to themselves willingly?. Now I don't know about you but my social life is virtually non existing and I think that can make you go a little kekoo.
I graduated college in May and it's been tough going out of the gate. My girlfriend left me today after months of trying to keep it together. She said she didn't love me together. I wanted to marry her. Today is a bad day.
>>22916619
What do we do? Antidepressants have only made things worse, so that's out. Therapy is too expensive, can't do that to my parents. I guess I don't want to die, but shit...
>>22916631
I feel you. I just went through the same shit, feel like 5 years went down the drain. I fucking wasted my years at uni with her. After all those chances I might have had with someone worth it I'm just left old and in the cold.
>>22916632
Antidepressants are bs, especially SSRIs. I'm on sleeping pills that works as antidepressants as well. Every time I try quitting I go batshit crazy and get like 2 hours of sleep at night. Yeah man therapy is useless, they sit there silently judging you. Not offering any real help only more pills. I feel like suicide is becoming more and more attractive to me at least. But if you aren't too far into the rabbit hole then you should try to reintegrate with society bro.
>>22916650
A lot of my friends went through the same shit too. It's a bad time.
>>22916668
Honestly I feel like I'm at the same point you are, but one thing I'm going to try before I go is hallucinogens. I hear they can kick you out of a rut sometimes. Or fuck you up completely. But what have I got to lose?
This may sound really immature but here we go:
The first time that I liked someone (or at least I was attracted to someone) I was 13, he's 4 years older than me so I never even tried to tell him how I felt.
But you know, your first crush... it's just.. I don't know.
So we started to talk like a year ago when I was 17 and he was 21 and I swear our personalities match perfectly and we just know each other so well. But the problem is that I like him, quite a lot. And I know he has some feelings for me because he usually ditches his girlfriend for me. And yes, that's the problem. He's been dating this girl for over 2 years and he's too attached to her to let her go, I know him, we talk every single day and I know he doesn't like her anymore, he just doesn't want to end up alone. But I would never tell him to break up with her because I hate people who ruin relationships, like I don't flirt with him or anything, we're just friends but I think it's weird how he's always wanting to spend time with me, and if I don't answer his messages he starts to send me lots of messages saying that he misses talking to me and shit like that.
I honestly don't know what to do, I've been liking him for sooooo long but that guy is lost af. And I would never do anything to make him break up with his girlfriend, so I'm literally stuck, I can't stop talking to him because everytime he says that he misses me I just can't help it, I am literally in the friend zone, and it sucks.
>>22888048
I'm asking. Why would you do that? Not to criticize or anything, I'm genuinely interested
>>22916799
Tough situation. Surely if he liked you more he would split up with his girlfriend for you? It isn't fair for him to stay with her. I hate to be a cynic, but the first impression I get is he just likes having you on the side, knowing full well you'll come running if he asked you too.
>>22916726
If you are depressed and or have a weak psyche in general you should not to potent hallucinogens, let me tell you a story about when I had bad trip on acid a few years ago. It was the day before xmas, I had gotten my hands on some strong tabs. Had done mushrooms a few times before and RC's that had some kick to them. I knew set and setting was important but back then I was so young and foolish, I didn't respect the drug as it were. So I was in my room on watching shit when suddenly it kicked in and hard. I couldn't watch the screen it was so bright and it was flashing in different colors. I couldn't focus my vision at all. So I went to my bed instead and laid down, I thought yeah this isn't so bad after all but damn I was wrong. When I started peaking I had no idea where I was, I looked around and I wasn't in my room anymore. I was in bed and couldn't move, I remember thinking I was in hell. At this point everything is super fucked up, everything is flashing in red colors and I'm seeing some weird shit man. At that point I was certain I was in hell and that a hooded devil was leaning over me and I could see his smile but not his face sort of like the cat from alice in wonderland. After a while he removed the hood and I saw his face and I knew who it was, it was me. So fucking trippy man, I freaked out and started puking nonstop. Wanting to die so bad, I prayed to every God out there please let me die but nothing happened. I started thinking maybe this is my punishment for all the bad shit I've done. So yeah it was not a good night, didn't sleep at all and then when morning came it was xmas. It was the worst xmas ever. Jesus I felt so horrible. So yeah man if you are not 100% certain your mind can take it don't fuck around with hallucinogens.
>>22894188
How old are you? Can you go to school or get a job? I think it might really help. Plus if you get a job and stay for a while you can get medical benefits and receive therapy that way.
Also with threads like these I would just try to get everything out as much as you can since you can't afford therapy.
>>22894398
Hey man it sounds to me like you have potential to live a good life. Tell me about your age, your qualifications, and maybe I can give you some advice on finding a job. Volunteer work and school are great ways to start.
i'm a 19 year old male
i've never touched a human being besides my meth addict mother (true story)
i have no interests or hobbies
i'm a recluse
i have no job or friends
i've only had 1 friend, in middle school
i'm enrolled in college but never attend any of my classes
will kill myself next year some time or die of natural causes hopefully
>>22915083
My biggest issue is I would need a way to sustain myself if I did move out. I'm paying 100/mo to live where I am now and considering it's got sweet carpeting and heat/ac, that's hard to pass up.
The last state I was in denied me for SSI 3 times. They're incredibly picky about who they grant benefits to (as I'm told) and even people with very, very blatant disabilities have taken over a year to get anything. SSI sometimes provides "section 8 housing", but the waiting lists are usually insanely long, with preference only given to parents with young kids, and the elderly.
Honestly as much as people trash welfare in this country, it's such a frustrating and fucked up system for the people who need it, lel.
I can't handle this loneliness. Sure I go to university and interact with people everyday, but I still feel lonely. I know those people don't really care whether I show up or not. I don't feel I'm that important to anyone and that's shattering, as pathetic as it is. I feel I have nothing at the end of the day. I would just like to feel I hold some kind of influence and meaning over someone's life. I don't even know.
On top of things I hate what I'm studying but I'm supposed to endure in order to pass and be able to transfer next year. I really can't concentrate on studying right now
I am 26, never got a job, never been in a relationship, no friends. Social anxiety, personality disorders and below than average IQ keep me away from having a social life. I feel overwhelmed with shame.
.
okay, getting rid of my story and maybe hoping for advice. I don´t think I´m depressed anymore(had therapy), but its a hard time atm and i don´t know what to do.
Short version: I found a girl over the Internet with heavy mood changes. Know her for 4 years now, but we never met, because of her mood. We had a lot of fun while talking ´bout what we do, when we meet and i was super excited. Long time ago, we arranged to meet next year january the 3rd-6th.
But now, she´s super depressed for 2 months and her feelings are so extremely unstable, that I only had to say 2 "wrong" sentences yesterday and she blocked me.
Well just to make thinks worse: ´bout 3 months ago, I got addicted to Tramal (opioid, like tilidine, morphine etc) because it took that psychological pain away, her mood caused to me. I guess you can say i got addicted to her, so her bad feelings made me get addicted to painkillers.
Today it was the 3rd day going cold turkey(pain everywhere, especially my back, depressed up to being suicidal), but the fact i got blocked by the most important person for me made get weak and I´m back taking that shit.
tl;dr version: got addicted to emotionally unstable online girl what caused me to get addicted to painkillers.
What do I do now? just keep on taking that shit until I´m over her and then kick it off? It just feels so good and takes the painful part of my sorrows and feelings away. It makes me slightly euphoric when i would actually feel suicidal. But I don´t want to fuck up my life. :/
Hope anyone read this. I know, it´s a pain to read, but it´s not my mothertongue and I have bigger issues atm. So sorry, everyone
I am writing this post on the toilet during a 15 minute break at my partial-hospitalization program
>>22919555
do i miss any other post from you in this thread?
Why getting hospitalized?
>>22919541
ok, seems to be a dead thread
Using my therapist's wifi to post on a depression thread, then I'll go sit and bullshit with him. Yay.
I just have an overwhelming feeling of futility and failure. Like, if nothing I do will be good enough, why even try hard at anything? I'm half-assing all the time, and I'm just in this downward spiral that I can't get myself out of.
>get to know girl I have a crush on
>talk for a while, get along really well
>fall in love with her
>something changes, everything gets worse up to a point where I think it's over
>might as well tell her how I feel
>it's going up and down all the time
>some day she tells me that she loves me too
>not sure if I feel the same anymore
I just want everything like it used to be, but I think it's impossible now
>>22898770
Go speak to your GP (if you're in the UK, if you're not try and speak to the equivalent), even if they don't prescribe you anything going they can give you helpful advice and/or refer you to someone who might be able to help more
Just go for the possibility of a bit more peace of mind mang
I miss having someone love me and hold me telling me everything is alright. It sucks being alone in an area where I just can't find anything in common with people. Search online for women who want to play video games and shit just to distract me in life but they tend to be flaky as fuck. No one has any god damn sense of companionship or any care for how they treat others. Yet I can't live my life alone. I want them in my life.
>just came back from my 12 hour wageslave job
>gonna go to sleep in 10 mins
>I make 5k a year in my shitty 3rd world country
>probably gonna slave away until I kill myself
>tfw just want to stay at home and get comfy
>tfw nothing is going to get better ever
>>22920719
i can relate.
>be me
>damaged dick 3 times this year
>first time for a woman
>second time by accident
>third time for cosmetic reasons
>everything i once liked feels like shit now
>i dont know what to do
>>22888146
>Feels :/
>the only friend I have is my ex
>when I have a bad day, he tells me to stop acting like the world evolves around me, "people in africa have it worse"-tier arguments, etc
>when he has a bad day, he calls and rants to me about it
>these problems can be as little as "my hair looks bad and that makes me feel bad"
>one day, get fucking sick of it
>ignore calls
>he sends a message "hey just wanted to chat and see how you were doing :)"
>know that he's lying, it's never been about me for the past 2 years
>a few days after breaking up and moving out, I tell him I need time and space to be alone
>he comes to my new apartment and only talks about himself for about 40 minutes, then says, "so, how are you doing?"
>but he's only going to talk down to me if I tell him what's on my mind
>so fucking angry that I let myself be treated like a doormat for so long, even after the break up
>while I'm happier in a way, I'm depressed on another level
>no friends now
>every day is the same
>no job
>no family
>about to enter the life of student loans because my jobcenter tells me that it's the right thing to do
>I'm so tired
>just want to sleep and wake up to the day where I'm finally happy
If only cannabis was legal here, I think it'd be a lot more complacent about how my life is going.
>>22924084
>>when he has a bad day, he calls and rants to me about
Its good that you cut ties, people like that are terrible people and even though you feel worse now it was the right thing to do.
>>22919669
I dont know what you and your therapist talked about but you sound like me or how I used to be. Always cared about pleasing others and had a problem standing up for myself and saying "No" when asked to do something.
When I finally found out how to do it and stopped worrying about what others thought my life took a turn dramatically.
>tfw a therapist changed my life and I genuinely hope it works out for you.
>>22916799
>I'm literally in the friend zone, and it sucks
You answered your own question, that's how the friendzone works...
He isn't gonna leave his gf for you. You will wait and keep chasing him and he will keep you attached until you wake up.
>it did sound immature
>>22888027
Alphabrain.eu buy 5 htp and never be sad again.
My husband left me 3 months ago, because he was in love with someone else.
I have borderline nightmares about him every night, and the only thing that keeps me going is some sort of twisted, subconscious hope that I can ever have him back, even though I know I can never take him back.
>>22924433
How old are you now and how old when yall married?
>>22924084
You seem like a dope chick who can make rational (if not delayed) decisions. Wouldhavebeerwith/10 go make friends.
Don't worry im a hypocrite.
>fail college to point of suspension
>never failed anything before fall apart
>move back in with parents for 2 years
>entire time im here date a couple girls but in reality meet nobody and make no friends
I make excuses but I just dont talk to anybody.
I keep feeling like I'm never going to meet "the one". I know that that's a stupid concept anyway, and there are surely lots of people in the world who could make me happy, but I just feel like I'll never meet any of them.
The last person I thought I could love ended up being sort of a terrible person who only wanted to party up her 20s. That was underneath the facade trying to seem interesting by watching classic movies and tv. I know how bitter that sounds but I just want to meet one girl who isn't like the rest. It's easy to find girls who want to appear that way but I'm starting to think they don't exist.
Anyway, it's just sort of the make or break for life. What's the point of trying to get anywhere if I'm just alone the entire time? I want to meet somebody whose character goes a little bit deeper than basic primal need and greed. The thought that that might not exist is really depressing. I don't want to be a loser, but I don't want to be like a guy who lures in dogs with pieces of meat. I thought people were people and they were supposed to have some depth.
>>22924437
We were together for 6 and a half years, we married just before the 5 year mark. I am turning 29 in April, I think you can manage the math.
>>22924491
Is everything besides love life more or less in order?
>>22924491
that's rough
it's always pretty harsh realizing how little control you really have
if it's any consolation at all, his new relationship most likely won't turn out well either
>>22924512
Not anymore. It was as ordered as it could be while we were together, now it's all down the drain.
>>22924525
Ouch well gl with finding your way out of the breakup period. Not gonna lie I come to this board to read stories like this one and to try to identify people who are way different than me.
>>22888286
Hey, I'm 20 F, Brisbane
Which state are you in?
I don't have much (currently unemployed too) but I'd love to help you out in anyway.
I have crippling depression and anxiety, I've been like this since I was probably 11 or 12, I'm about to turn 21 and it's ruining my life.
I have an eating disorder but because I'm still overweight, people congratulate me and ask how I look so good. I confided in my best friend and she told me I should keep it up, because it's obviously working.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer last week after being sick for months without a diagnosis and my boyfriend of 5 years is cheating on me.
I'm so afraid of dying and I'm so afraid of living
>>22924558
>I have crippling depression and anxiety, I've been like this since I was probably 11 or 12, I'm about to turn 21 and it's ruining my life.
I know those feels. I'm agoraphobic and I have this hilarious (to me) problem. If I could go out and buy a gun, I would end my life in a second. The problem is that if I had the sanity to go out and get one, I wouldn't even want to kill myself. This is like living in hell.
>my boyfriend of 5 years is cheating on me.
Is? Lol, what?
>>22924566
He's on a holiday overseas with his family, left his Facebook open on my laptop so naturally, being the anxious person I am I checked his messages and found things I didn't want to.
He gets back tomorrow morning. :/
>>22924586
Are you going to break up with him?
>>22924591
I don't know.
He's literally the only person who's spoken to me in he past 6 months that isn't family and I stupidly got him a job overseas where I'll be working next year
I don't want to be with him but I haven't been alone in so long it's worrying
>>22924591
His infidelity really couldn't have come at a worse time. He knew about my cancer diagnosis and then went out and cheated :(
a mi me sucedio que en el 2012 adquiri la enfermedad de ezquizofrenia que me hizo ver alucinaciones pensaba que me perseguian por internet, me volvi paranoica y perdi la realidad estuve en un hospital psiquiatrico en donde me borraron la memoria con electroshock me dieron pastillas haloperidol lorazepam no paraba de caminar cuando sañir dentro de 3 meses me volvi depresiva tomaba lorazepam para dormir y haloperidol para no escuhar voces ahora solo veo raro cuando estoy mal
>>22924595
That's tough. Like anybody can easily say, I think I would definitely end it. Knowing that he isn't loyal, you'll probably feel differently about him too.
It sounds like your self-esteem is very low though if you think you'd just be alone indefinitely otherwise. I kind of have the same problem. I think you should know that that isn't realistic though. Sorry to sound so blatantly r9k, but it's a woman's market. There are plenty of people out there who are single and ready to mingle and would never even think of cheating on you.
If you say he was actually talking to somebody, and it wasn't just a little one night mistake then it really sounds like there's nothing else to do. He's not thinking of you anymore. Sorry if that sounds harsh, it's just easy to form opinions for me as an outsider.
I could never forgive a cheater though.
Hey all. I'd like to share a bit about what I am going through right now. Hopefully someone will identify.
One year ago, I was out getting plastered and partying everynight. I stopped going to class and my entire life revolved around drinking. Soon, I was not drinking to have fun. I sat alone in my dormroom and drank alone. I've always felt like I was not whole, but with alcohol everything made sense and I was whole. When I went home for winterbreak I figured everything would be the same. My desire to drink didn't vanish and my behavior was caught by my mother. She insisted I check into an in-patient rehab so I did. I got out of rebab with street knowledge and connections to "better" drugs. I went back to school and finished miserably with a total of nine credits to my name. So I went home, went to work far away at a beautiful restaurant in a beautiful resort where I had many friends to party with and had no expectations or judgements. I got into harder drugs and went home. I quit cold turkey and I have been roughing it since. I attemted suicide a few weeks ago and I was admitted to an in-patient mental hospital for ten days. I am so miserable and hateful towards myself, and my hope for a better future feels like a lie. A pit drops into my stomach every time I think of what my next step should be, all the while my parents are expecting immediate results from my programs and medication. I don't want them to bury me.
>>22924624
He definitely plays on my low self esteem to manipulate me.
You're completely right, it's just not something I wanted to face or hear but I'm glad I did.
I just love him so much, he's my first love but I know that I deserve more.
I feel like he already sees me as a dead girl and he's finding someone to replace me when I'm gone.
>>22924659
>I just love him so much, he's my first love
I know how that feels. ;___;
It's going to take you a while.
>>22924659
This kind of thing terrifies me. Im a guy and people say im very manipulative but not like shit talk you kind of way i was just born to be a lawyer. My last 2 gfs pretty much just listened to me and never challenged it so I broke up with them because I dont want a girl to be in my control. They never understood and hated me for it but fuck it.
>>22924688
I'd like to think it's their fault for ever having been attracted to you. They took the bad with the good and that was what they wanted.
When I met my ex, he was completely closed off from the world. When I met him, something in my soul stirred. I needed to know him. He was so shut off from everything...no friends, no job, just his video games. I knew there was something more. I saw it in him. He told me that he had an issue with depression.I thought I could be enough. We had wonderful adventures. We planned our future. He was starting to get out, starting working. We crossed states just to be with one another. We were going to move in together. Then things started to change...he wasnt as upbeat anymore. He slept all the time. He wasn't responsive to my advances or my compliments. I took it as my fault. He didn't love me anymore, he didn't find me attractive. We started arguing more. One day, he was especially quiet and I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he wasn't sure about our future. He doesn't feel right, nothing brings him joy. He told me that he needed to go away. And he did. He won't respond to my texts or my phone calls. He did at first. He kept me posted on doctor's visits and how he was feeling. But then it stopped. I don't know if something happened. If he is ignoring me. Or just moved on. While the idea of him being happy without me or with someone else makes me want to puke, I do not want him to just fade away. He is worth so much more than that. I realized this is a long post and I probably sound like a fool.
Tl; dr
I pulled him out of that hole and he slipped out of my hands back in. I'm a fucking idiot.
>>22924779
How do you know he's not dead?
>>22924784
I don't. I have not been able to get ahold of him. He could be but i dont want to think of that. I would hope if it did, his family would say something to me. I just want him to be ok.
>>22924779
It doesn't sound like anything you did, it just sounds like the typical awful crap that happens when you're dealing with depression :(
>>22924795
I try to tell myself that but those feelings of failure and self-loathing are there everyday. It's like a festering wound and I feel so lost. I know, logically, I should pick myself up and move on and if he comes back, I will deal with it then. But logic and feeling don't always co-mingle, you know what I mean?
>>22901091
Also, what helped me in my worst times, were drugs. Hit up google and read some articles about Ketamine as an antidepressant.
I mean, why not try it, before you kill urself? cant get worse i guess.
It got me through the worst part of my life.
>>22924513
Thanks. I'm constantly finding myself torn between wanting him to be happy, and her ripping his heart out.
>>22924535
Thanks.
