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I have some terrible news to tell you all, come closer America and Canada - make sure you listen Australia and New Zealand.

Well, you know I have been going to the doctors recently over the past few months? Well , it turns out it is really serious. I have been having problems for some time but they took a turn for the worst recently.

My children, I have Terminal Kebab. A muslim mayor has metastasised in my capital city. Once the parasites have finished eating my insides they will erupt from my dried up husk to find other victims.

Please, please allow me the respect and dignity I deserve in these final days by allowing me to die in privacy - it is going to be too horrible to see and I cannot bear to let you all witness me like this.

I loved you all dearly, please do not forget about me and spread the dangers of Terminal Kebab.

When I looked at Sweden I laughed and thought it could never happen to me - but I was wrong

Oh, we had some times together didn't we? Remember all the butchering we used to do of eachother back in day? The fun, fun times Exploring far flung places with my most beloved of children who were never far from me - we have had our disagreements but remained close.

But I think it was that one disagreement - the one where I spent a few years sulking in India? Yes - that's the one... I think I picked the affliction up there come to think of it - the faint aura of curry and cumin that dictates an early infection was definitely present - now it is a stench as putrid and all consuming as the blackest bile. And I, ever the fool brought it back to our fair home and spread it, I may have doomed us all.

It hurts, Australia - I can hear the muezzin in the back of my head and my mouth tastes like sour hummus. Let me rest.


Ps: Scotland, Wales, Ireland - it runs in the family, you should get yourself checked in the future before its too late.