So I need some advice. Be me, enrolled in college where I have to stay in the dorm for the first two years. Roommate potentially a fag, but potentially autistic. Examples:
>Be me, sleeping soundly on an old green couch I bought for $25. Woken up suddenly at the 3AM witching hour by horrific flatulence. Roommate doesn't wake up.
>Roommate burns pornographic video to CDs. This allows him to share them later, without filling up the entirety of his hard drive. One of the CDs is labeled "German Grannies".
>Dorm shares a communal bathroom. If I must be nude I'm either alone in the room with the door locked or I change in that restroom. Roommate has been nude with me in the room every single day.
>Roommate is about the same body-type as Paul Bearer was in 1998.
>Roommate tells me all the funny lines from the Simpsons. Every day. He repeats them every day.
>Roommate goes through each and every "You might be a redneck" joke. Each and every day.
>Roommate has a girlfriend back home. Never talks to her on the phone.
>Roommate went back home over Thanksgiving. Was excited to see her. When he returned a few days later I asked if they had fun. "Oh we were both too busy to hang out."
We have two desks on opposite walls. His laptop and stack of porn cds on the one, my desktop on the other. When I'm getting into some Civilization 5 I have my back to him. I have had my game interrupted from time to time.
>Be me, minding my own business with my back to roommate.
>"Say anon" I turned to look at him. "Yes?" "I have a four and a half inch penis-- when it's erect!"
>All my will to keep laughter internal. But why would he share that? He's big into porn, he should know that this number isn't one to boast about. Is he saying that anal intercourse wouldn't hurt? I don't understand why this was brought up.
>Next day, as soon as I get back to the dorm after classes. "Yeah, I remeasured. I'm five inches."
>I have part time job, work Friday night, Saturday and Sunday then return to dorm Sunday night. (I drive back home to my parents house for the weekends.) I'll often pick up groceries on the way back to the dorm so I make a little noise as I unlock the door. One such night, I open the door and there on his back is my overweight roommate. Has he died of a heart attack, I contemplate. But before my eyes, I watch him do a single sit-up. "One Thousand!" he grunts.
>He has stripped nude while I'm in the room so often that I've perfected the ability to find something else to look out, be it looking out the window or looking at my phone or computer. But he catches me off guard one morning. Computer off. TV off, don't have my phone close, and WHAM! He's naked. His one half inch flaccid penis eye level with me, as I sit upon my green couch. Desperately I look for anything other than this penis to look at. I'm wearing a watch so I stare at it. He talks to me about some redneck jokes and I watch 45 seconds tick past. "WHY THE FUCK HAVEN'T YOU PUT SOME UNDERWEAR BACK ON!"
>Another day I'm eating a tub of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. Roommate looks at me and shrugs. "Hmmm, I guess you only live once!" I thought he was commenting on how many calories I was consuming, but I'm only 125 lbs so I can handle it. But no, he grabs a spoon, and helps himself to a heaping spoonful of my ice cream.
> Another day, I'm watching youtube. "Say Anon..." turn around. "Yes roommate?" He clears his throat. "Did you know that if you drink pineapple juice before you give a guy a blowjob --------- A look of confusion must have crossed my face because he clarified ---- you know, a blowjob. Uh, performing oral sex on a man? Well if you drink pineapple juice first it doesn't taste so bad." Then he pointed at me. "But if you smoke first, it tastes even worse!"
It's been a while but I haven't been able to have a Hawaiian pizza since he told me that.
What the fuck
Your roomie is certainly autistic and you're likely on the spectrum yourself for not realizing it immediately.
You two should definitely fuck.
>Pineapples are degenerate
Yeah, I ain't reading your post.
>>79015353
Why haven't you changed your room?
>>79016210
tl;dr Roommate out of the blue told me that drinking pineapple juice before giving a guy a blowjob makes it taste better.
>>79015039
>hide thread *click
>>79016338
I'll have a new roommate in September.
I keked, nice story
>>79015039
Pineapples are fine man. Your roommate is just a creepy faggot.
>>79015039
>pineapples degenerate
>A famous symbol of wealth in the western world ever being degenerate
