I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down… provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.
Such is life in libertarian paradise.
NOT
>>76784159
I never said it was an argument. Tell me, are you so used to having your shitty viewpoints argued against by people who actually understand the economy that anybody who makes a joke about your crappy political ideology is automatically perceived as a threat to you? Or are you libertarians just so fucking fragile that you can't handle banter?
>>76784493
LOLBERTARIANS BTFO
>>76784493
>>76784493
>Made up strawmen of what has only existed in ones mind are jokes by people who Understand the economy
Btw private police are already a huge success in poverty stricken places where the government police have lost all control.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vqlVL26jrCA
Is this where the stereotype of socialists being jobless fucking losers comes from? How long did you spend writing this Marxist homo erotica?
>The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
this shit gets me every time, 10/10 pasta
>>76784159
This is some pretty old copypasta, man. Calm down and start thinking about how roads are going to be built in a libertarian society.
>>76785417
See, this is where I'd usually respond with a quip like "About as long as you last during sex," but the thing is that you are a libertarian, so you haven't ever had sex at all.
>>76783789
>confusing libertarianism with anarchism.
Never change /pol/, never change.
>>76785775
wew
>>76785375
And what makes them successful and determine thier worth, and thus pay, amount of arrests they make? Are the judges in your fantasy universe totally immune to coercion, bribery, and corruption? Surely their would never be any foul play between these privately owned police forces and the privately owned prisons which receive government kick backs, having a vested interest ensuring they take in as many prisoners as possible.
>>76786586
>And what makes them successful and determine thier worth, and thus pay, amount of arrests they make?
Real life.
Private police already are doing a better job at law enforcement than government police for significantly less cost.
> Are the judges in your fantasy universe totally immune to coercion, bribery, and corruption? Surely their would never be any foul play between these privately owned police forces and the privately owned prisons which receive government kick backs, having a vested interest ensuring they take in as many prisoners as possible.
As opposed to the government being guilty of all of this at a much more extreme level with the added negative of only getting funds through taxation and not voluntary transaction.
>>76783789
>“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®”
>>76786977
Forgot link
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=18YqVcFv5jI
Really makes you think.
>>76786977
And who pays the private police?
>>76787888
T R I P S
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