Share your best bike story with the board, /n/.
This one happened last night.
>agree to attend group "ride" which is not really a ride at all but more of a rolling music-festival style party/nighttime critical mass thing
>live in the next town over, decide to bike in for it
>rally point is 22 km away
>I'm loaded for bear in terms of supplies, my bag is full of tubes, CO2, camelback, tools, etc
>wearing an athletic shirt and bike shorts but underneath a track jacket and normie shorts so as not to look like a fuckin' tryhard
>roll out, meet up with massive crew of cyclists and friends
>we set out
>it's congested as fuck
>there are hot grills in yoga pants tho so it's pretty sweet
>some cagers nearly shit their pants in temper tantrums when their progress is impeded by the human river; one thug looking dude gets out of his car and goes full dad-mode at the top of their lungs
>"CLEAR THE ROAD, YOU ARE IMPEDING TRAFFIC, YOU DON'T PAY TAXES"
>lol.exe
>everyone's high and drunk as fuck after our first rest stop at a playground
>we roll on
>there are several hundred riders in the parade
>children come out to see us, adults drinking come out on their lawns, one unfortunate soul who looked like he was buying sex from a hooker was passed by hundreds of jeering cyclists
>children are unaware that this moment is brought to them by copious amounts of liquor and illicit substances, it's beautiful
>move up to front of ride near the music trikes
cont
>>967791
>on my way up I take a lot of shit for wearing a helmet and looking like a racefag with my backpack
>ham it up, talk about how my bike weighs less than my underpants
>make some grills laugh
>match with them on tinder later, but I digress
>i make it to the front of the parade
>this is where shit gets ridiculous
>three characters are in play here
>a rather portly autistic-sounding man on a seven thousand dollar cannondale, who we will call "Turbo Timmy"
>a similarly portly middle aged man with a mustache, dragon-emblazoned purple coloured race kit, complete with cycling computer and rearview mirror attached to his helmet, whom we will call "Star Wolf"
>and a weird little man riding a bike with a mobility-scooter-esque windshield who impatiently rings his bell in congestion whom we will call "Scooter Libby"
>Turbo Timmy engages anyone unfortunate enough to ride near him in spirited autismal conversation about how great it is to ride standing up on the pedals and about his bike and how he is basically a NEET whose stipends pay for his exorbitant bicycle expenses
>he lives with his mother and looks old enough to hold public office of some kind
>I know this because I was sucked into Turbo Timmy's black hole of autism
>Scooter Libby elbows his way to the front, ringing constantly
>this pisses off Star Wolf, who I believe is an accountant or parking officer or clerk at the passport office based on his disgust for other human beings and general rancor
>Scooter and Star Wolf have a passive aggressive bitch session where they each act tough
>the only reason I'm in the vicinity is a huge ass on the saddle in front of me
>also some drunk idiot wrecked on a post-and-chain fence that was difficult to see in the dark at nearly full tilt, I thought he died
>ride for 3 1/2 hours
>fun afterparty with scantily clad hipster bitches
brety gud
>>967792
did u git ur dik wet bby
>>967803
not yet cause i was sweaty as fuck but we're hanging out this week
>8=================D~~~~~~~~O:
OP, this event sounds gayer than Blade Night in Munich.
Good job
>>967791
Many of you here on /n/ hate 'cagers'.
I have a 'pedestrian hate' story, fresh from my ride tonight:
>Get started riding really late (6pm) for a Sunday due to needing to do maintenance on my bike
>I'm on my last 45 minutes of a 3.5 hour ride
>It's dark out, I've got my light on, naturally
>I'm on the American River Parkway, 32 miles of paved bike path that doesn't cross public roads
>Start coming up on some guy and some woman walking the other direction
>Suddenly I have this light BRIGHTER THAN A HUNDRED GODDAMNED SUNS right in my face!
>Can't see a fucking thing except this FUCKING SUPERNOVA RIGHT IN MY FACE
>So bright it FUCKING HURT
>Path chicanes right there, almost run off the pavement and crash
>Get past asshole and his fucking 2000 lumen searchlight
>So fucking mad now I'm seeing red
>Turn around, go back
>WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE?!
>"Hurr your light is too bright, you don't need a light that bright"
>Fucking asshole BLINDS ME with a BILLION CANDLEPOWER and says MY light is too bright? SERIOUSLY!?
>YOU ALMOST MADE ME CRASH YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER! WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU GET OFF DOING THAT!?
>Shines the goddamned thing in my face AGAIN
>HURTS LIKE HELL
>SO fucking mad I want to ram into the motherfucker
>GET THAT GODDAMNED THING OUT OF MY FACE ASSHOLE!
>"Durr, turn yours off then"
>FUCK YOU, I NEED TO SEE WHERE I'M GOING! DO YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT CAR HEADLIGHTS OUT ON PUBLIC STREETS, YOU STUPID FUCK!?
>Keeps repeating same retarded fucking shit about me not needing a light
>Blast this asshole some more, finally get so fucking pissed that I decide to leave before I beat the living fuck out him and shove his goddamned searchlight up his ass
>A few minutes later decide to double back around the guy to find the park ranger I'd seen a few minutes before the incident
>Recount the story to the ranger
>Is totally sympathetic, unequivocally agrees the guy is a jackass and totally wrong
>Both go to deal with the guy
>critical mass
>good bike story
pick one
>>967815
What headlight do you use?
>>967815
Just a guess, but are you perhaps using a round-beam flashlight strapped to the handlebar instead of a real headlight with a cut-off beam? If so, my sympathy is limited.
>>967914
>shining a light in somebody's face
>assault
Look he was a dick but now you're just being ridiculous
>>967815
Consider therapy
>>967807
>didn't fug because sweaty
Truly a pleb
>>967945
>intentionally blinding someone such that they're in danger of crashing
I wasn't toodling along at 10mph, more like 15 to 20mph in that section, and I'm not irrational, either: Creating a safety hazard on that level amounts to being attacked.If I'd've gone down and been injured, there would have been a police report at the very least, and preferably that asshole jailed, or at least charged with a misdemeanor. Think about it: Why is it any different because it was a bike? If you did that to someone driving down the street, you'd probably get arrested for it.
>>967946
I don't need any goddamned therapy. I need some people to stop being assholes.
Say whatever you like. If it was any of you, you'd've probably beaten the guy half to death for it. Sure as fuck wanted to.
>>968115
No, I can control my emotions. I'm not a wild animal.
>>967791
that sounds fucking amazing, where does this happen?
>>968151
Probably portland
Every girl there probably had teal or pink hair
>>968167
post bikes or gtfo you dumb cunt
>>967946
Wtf guy, fuck off, he deserves to be pissed.
taken from my original post
>be me
>be on first good road bike
>having a good time.jpg
>be going 45kmph on the descent
>see some leaves in a small pile
>nofucks.jpg
>intend to go through them
>secretpothole
>front wheel dives
>flip over bike into air
>hellodarknessmyoldfriend
>land in ditch/sewer
>suprised im not hurt too bad for about 3 seconds
>hear truck horn
>proceed to think about my bike location
>truck hits bike
>bike now in the air
>i see it coming in fast
>fml.gif
>hits me in face
>blood everywere
>cue 311
>1 month later
>recovered
>only moutain bike now
>makessense.jpg
>get hit by logging truck 2 month later
>fuck cycling
>Scooter Libby
Ok I laughed
>>971066
>going 45000 miles per hour
I call shenanigans, unless you meant relative to the sun.
>>971066
hello rebbit
