ITT: Post the worst music review you've seen
So an RYM review thread?
When I go on RYM I can't see the favorites anymore, is this an older screenshot?
<----This little asswipe right here
I despise self-pity.
I just have no time for it. It adds nothing, it helps nobody - in fact, if anything it slows things down - and it trivializes the sufferings (and achievements) of the rest of the world. Being sad is easier than being happy; whispering is easier than singing; shuffles are easier than hooks; vague, sulky irony is easier than truth. FIGHT, YOU FUCKING MORONS! DON'T GO GENTLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT! EVEN IF YOU FAIL, AT LEAST YOU CAN FUCKIN' FIGHT! LAZY MUSIC! BORING MUSIC! THIS IS NOT A LANGUAGE!
Yeah, I kinda let loose for a second there. But I'm not taking it back, because Either/Or is a pathetic album. Not in the sense of being particularly bad - at worst, it's just ignorable, and at best it's mildly but forgettably tuneful - but in the sense of being, well, pathetic. There's something about the thin acoustic guitar moving indifferently over Smith's frail, malnourished, oh-so-very-earnest voice that I find incredibly pitiful...and yet it's not pitiful enough to elicit my sympathy, because the music is so plainly unremarkable about the feelings I'm supposed to be receiving. There's no projection with Elliott Smith; I never feel like I'm getting the full story, because he's too vague to cut right to the heart of things. Like, I was never that big of a Nirvana fan, but it's hard to deny that Kurt Cobain at least seemed to sing and write with his heart and his soul. Elliott Smith may've had a heart, but he never hinted at a soul.
this is an excerpt from an RYM review, there's more to it though.
>>65571470
>>65571432
>>65571470
How about we post ridiculous negative reviews of albums and guess what they are? I'll start
>>65571432
>>65571562
Age of Adz?
>>65571521
Wow i need to find the rest
>>65571719
top kek
>>65571483
IT'S NOT EVEN 'THE DEAD KENNEDYS' YOU PIECE OF SHIT IT'S JUST 'DEAD KENNEDYS'
>>65571719
This offends me more than it really should
>>65571719
Is it bad that this made me chuckle?
>>65571724
https://rateyourmusic.com/review?id=54242253
>>65571652
correct
>>65571432
Are you offended famalam? Do you unironically listen to wuss rock?
>>65572031
I was offended by how cringeworthy the review was, so yes.
http://www.tinymixtapes.com/music-review/sophie-product and yes I know it's about commercialism but it's still the worst review I've ever seen
>>65571764
*then
>>65572101
No, I think I was right the first time.
>>65571640
ouch
found this on a review for The Lonesome Crowded West
>>65572986
What's this?
>>65571640
Out of all that list he mentioned the only good album is Remain in Light.
>>65571432
What album?
>>65571483
I cried when they shot Mr. Kennedy
As though I'd lost a father of mine
But Malcolm X got what was coming
He got what he asked for this time
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal
>>65573070
the photo
sorry I worded weird
>>65572031
>i listen to real manrock only
marsbars review of Unknown Pleasures
"Starfuckers, Inc." That's pretty much all I have to say in criticism of this album. That sums it right up. Do you or don't you want to own an album with a song called "Starfuckers, Inc?" Besides the snickering potty- mouthed title, it's one of the most blatantly hypocritical attacks ever put to tape. It's a widely- publicized attack on Marilyn Manson. There are several lyrical references to the gangly idiot such as "I'm one of the beautiful ones" and "My god pouts on the cover of a magazine." And how are these jabs delivered? Why, in a song which sounds exactly like Marilyn Manson (and also borrows from Carly Simon), by a man who pouts on the cover of Rolling Stone, Alternative Press, Spin, etc.
In essence, Reznor is Marilyn Manson without the makeup (which is a bit like Kiss without the makeup). The Fragile is simply Music for 'The Elder for the digital age. I take comfort knowing that the passing of another decade will make this record seem as amusingly insincere as 10CC.
A classic.
>>65573118
Mojo Priest by Steven Seagal
i hate weeaboos with a passion
>>65573669
I don't even know what I don't know.
>>65573669
i'd rather be a "death grips person" than this fucking asshat, what a dumbass
>>65573669
>TheHorbGorbler
>>65571640
Holy fucking shit that almost broke my screen. So fucking fedora paired with shit taste.
LAWRENCE
Does using RYM just magically turn people into raving schizophrenics?
>>65573730
These fags are why Fishmans became a meme. Fuck them.
>>65573770
>>65573773
>>65573669
I'd love to see the butthurt death grips fans cyberbully this cunt lol
>>65573853
>>65573853
>Not liking In Rainbows and Blackstar
Total pleb
>>65573853
we should have a descriptor for horb
>trannythatdoesn'tdeservehumancompassion-core
>>65573898
Why does this person willfully type like a diseased, retarded child? Has human rejection made its mind bend until it decided to be as unlikable as humanly possible?
>>65573669
>>65573853
>>65573898
I've never legitimately wished death on someone before now
>>65573969
i went kind of overboard lol, this shit really pissed me off for some reason. IDK what it is, I have no issues when people say my favorite band or artist sucks but there's something just so fucking annoying about the way this person types and communicates. I think if I met somebody like this IRL i'd probably punch them
>>65571432
anything by montie tbqh
>>65574025
>>65574093
Reminder that Montie loved Frankie Sinatra when it was released and only started to hate it to fit in.
>>65574093
>>65574120
Bigger reminder that originally it was only the top half, then I published my review which got a lot of favorites, and so he wrote that shitty "critique" at the bottom as a "retort."
>>65573625
This is a decent review you melon
>>65571483
That's pretty par for the course for an iTunes review
>>65574164
Are you fucking kidding me
Go back to >/r/
>>65574152
>I published my review
>so he wrote
what
even then that 15 years still sounds stupid and immature which fits perfectly in this thread
For those of you who haven't heard of a guy called Prozak...
http://www.deathmetal.org/bands/suffocation/suffocation-effigy_of_the_forgotten/
>To facilitate the structural support within these complex and multidirectional riffs, Suffocation use many strum techniques with fast scale patterns to hold riffs in place and then slide them into the omnipotent rhythms. Like thrash, each song starts on a simple contrarian rhythm and works it through its positions until concluding with an iteration of its power; like speed metal, each song follows a narrative structure with frequent variations and modulations of idea; like death metal it is architecture of correlated intricacy from the notes of every riff to the subliminal rhythms behind the erratic, epileptic, insectoid guitar solos.
>For death metal at the time this release demonstrated the future of iterated percussive interpretation of song themes, and pointed toward future use of rhythm where death and grind's monotonous tonal structures had become limited as containers. Its innovation and spirit have earned it a place among the classics as an undisputed invention and advancement to the genre.
Keep in mind that this is a review for caveman death metal. I mean, when you think about them, his reviews actually make sense, but he notoriously described things in the most obtuse, roundabout way.
>>65574199
What's bad about the review other than
>AMSP was not good and this review says it is good so it is a bad review
>>65571521
His Figure 8 one is almost even worse lmao
How do you get so mad about one musician like not only is he just flat out wrong but it's so spiteful chill out man
>>65574271
My review: https://rateyourmusic.com/collection/boldfaure/rating78529712
You can see him deliberately try and fail to retort it.
>>65574306
It's totally surface level, you can tell it's a fanboy.
>>65573669
>see also: Swans
Never forget that TheHorbgorbler was literally gleeful about the Gira rape accusations because they don't like his music
I despise self-pity.
I just have no time for it. It adds nothing, it helps nobody - in fact, if anything it slows things down - and it trivializes the sufferings (and achievements) of the rest of the world. Being sad is easier than being happy; whispering is easier than singing; shuffles are easier than hooks; vague, sulky irony is easier than truth. FIGHT, YOU FUCKING MORONS! DON'T GO GENTLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT! EVEN IF YOU FAIL, AT LEAST YOU CAN FUCKIN' FIGHT! LAZY MUSIC! BORING MUSIC! THIS IS NOT A LANGUAGE!
Yeah, I kinda let loose for a second there. But I'm not taking it back, because Either/Or is a pathetic album. Not in the sense of being particularly bad - at worst, it's just ignorable, and at best it's mildly but forgettably tuneful - but in the sense of being, well, pathetic. There's something about the thin acoustic guitar moving indifferently over Smith's frail, malnourished, oh-so-very-earnest voice that I find incredibly pitiful...and yet it's not pitiful enough to elicit my sympathy, because the music is so plainly unremarkable about the feelings I'm supposed to be receiving. There's no projection with Elliott Smith; I never feel like I'm getting the full story, because he's too vague to cut right to the heart of things. Like, I was never that big of a Nirvana fan, but it's hard to deny that Kurt Cobain at least seemed to sing and write with his heart and his soul. Elliott Smith may've had a heart, but he never hinted at a soul.
>>65574345
i mean i can see both of your points but i do think i lean more toward you because i definitely have a bias against montie and that is a pretty cool fact about the album and the song
also i thought they were still a trio since the only reason one member didn't get to primavera was because of passport issues
>>65574428
Again, it's not like Smith's music is bad (although the clunky beat of "Pictures of Me" that sounds like it's a half-beat too fast for Smith's 'singing' comes close), and I daresay Either/Or, up against its deadly dull competition, offers up more momentary pleasures (key word: momentary) than any of Smith's other albums. I like the awkward pause followed by a sad, gentle nudge forward in "Alameda" when he sings 'for one or two...minutes she liked you'; I like the drum fills in "Speed Trials" (even though they're pasted into the song poorly; fragmented), and the way he sings the word 'sockets' is pretty disturbing. The electric guitar lines in "Cupid's Trick" portend something serious if not important. "Rose Parade" and "Say Yes" are tuneful, and the line about tripping over a dog's choke-chain in the former, though ironic, is at least ghoulishly ironic.
>>65574428
>reddit: the review
>>65574451
Mostly, though, this music is unremarkable, imbued with significance by lazy Gen-Xers and their impressionable followers, simply because they care more about the story than about the music. Y'see, Elliott Smith was a tormented guy whose life would make a dramatic biopic, so by extension his music must be poignant too — that's the logic. (This is the same lazy and backhandedly cynical thinking that turned Daniel Johnston into a cult figure.) Certainly I've never seen any write-up about the guy that's ever come close to ringing true about why Smith's music stands out from all the other bullshit agoraphobic modern indie, and every time I see someone lazily throw out Smith's name as an example of a 'great melodist,' I just feel embarrassed for everyone involved. Thing is, Smith isn't 'fucking up the simplest lines,' as he sings whispers in one song, because he doesn't have the balls to be truly ragged and off-the-cuff. No, no — these songs are supposed to signify, but not with any immediacy; they're practiced and rehearsed and carefully written. Problem is, they still weren't worth writing in the first place; you end up straining to make out lyrics that end up not being worth the trouble. I remember first hearing him sing about the cathedral with its 'glass stained black' in "Speed Trials" and thinking to myself, 'Of course. Of course it's black. What else was it gonna be in this guy's hands?'
>>65574439
>also i thought they were still a trio since the only reason one member didn't get to primavera was because of passport issues
From what I heard one of them left in the nought's.
Also why only 2 were in the interview yeah?
>>65574428
>>65574451
>>65574474
I try not to think about that review often because it's so absurd but when I do it just makes me sad that Elliott's music is so clearly wasted on people like that
>>65574325
yes he really hates elliott smith, it's pretty intense
>>65574523
that's not even the worst one lol
>Anywho, I've already covered my thoughts on why Elliott Smith's music and all its impressionable, mopey followers are beneath contempt in my Either/Or review
seriously, he's so angry about elliott smith for some reason that he thinks his fans are "beneath contempt" all the while lambasting them for taking things too seriously. it's a shame because he's usually a good writer.
>>65574583
Those two reviews kind of sum up everything that I hate about RYM and its community
Who the fuck does he think he is to act like his contrarian opinion is truth and literally everyone who disagrees with him is "beneath contempt"? It's so pretentious it makes me gag
>>65573158
MY nigga
>>65574645
yup I totally agree, then when he goes on a massive rant on the either/or page about how depression is easier than being happy or some bullshit it really pisses me off in a genuine way, like it's just so utterly ignorant and aggressive over something so petty then he's like YEAH HIT ME UP WHAT'VE U GOT TA LOSE INDIE COWARDS!!!!
this guy's entire review section is him raving about hipsters, it's hilarious
>>65574950
whoops
>>65574645
He's just a plain awful person with a single good quality. He writes well. Aside from that he's an obnoxious conceited cunt.
>>65571470
>HP Lowecraft
>>65576024
What amazes me is that he's actually popular on RYM, so much so that people like marsbars basically do the exact same style of posting/reviewing. They're really unfriendly people.
>>65576400
Jesus Christ, how can one man write so much inane bullshit?
>>65576281
who are you talking about?
>>65576473
I even went out of my way to find negative reviews of his for albums that I also didn't like -- and you know what? He's still an annoying pain in the ass
How I imagine every fan of this album
>>65576869
I even went further out of my way to find positive reviews of his for albums I also liked -- and you know what? He's still an annoying pain in the ass
>reviewing music
I hope you hacks stay the fuck away from journalism. Not only is it useless by way of the easy dissemination of media, it really offers no additive to the enjoyment of the music.
Basically if youre are trying to be a music journalist, kys or get a real job
>>65577021
>get a real job
But these stupid fucks aren't even being paid to write all this. That's the worst part
Here's a classic back when rock journalism was truly full of itself, with a certain perspective, with reason.
https://www.theguardian.com/music/2014/jul/02/nick-cave-interview-jack-barron-rocks-backpages
>>65571483
Unexpectedly hilarious.
>what the heck, man
>1 out of 97 people found this review helpful.
>>65577021
It can be helpful for the person reviewing so that they can get their thoughts down on a piece.
>>65576499
Famed RYM reviewer, anti-depressed people activist, gold medal self-fellater, and all-around insufferable prick limedIbagels.
>>65573853
>does he really namedrop Pawn Stars? :/
uhhh
I'm actually confused by this. Does he?
http://www.robertchristgau.com/cg.php
;)
>>65579048
>inhaled a glass of water
>>65573562
Is this an excerpt from that godawful Pitchfork review of The Fragile? The one where it's literally "it's bad" followed by two pages of garbled cum and incoherence? Because if not, then maybe we've found another review by the same twat
>>65571562
Man the people who get butthurt because of three minutes of autotune in Age of Adz are probably the grandchildren of those who booed Bob Dylan at Newport in '65
This is one of the worst that I've read.
Also, it baffles me that someone actually thinks Not Available sounds directionless. It's airtight and practically perfect in my opinion.
>>65583225
is this actually the horbgorbler?
>>65572101
no, you fucking idiot
>>65573898
Horb's reviews are entertaining as hell to read tbqh, even though I disagree with 90% of them
He really reaches the level of self-parody in some of them
the all-time classic horb review is obviously this one
https://rateyourmusic.com/review?id=38925965
>>65573118
The Glow pt. 2 by The Microphones.
No thread should ever have this much LimedIBagels and Horbgorbler in it. Both of them are utterly horrible people and it's nothing but disheartening that there are people who actually pat them on the back for the bile they spew..
It is fair to say that a few years ago, before I met Heather, Joanna Newsom would have been the ideal girl for me. If we had been in school together I would have always tried to get the seat next to hers in biology class so we could laugh and giggle at anatomy diagrams, or I would stand behind her in the lunch queue to smell her golden locks, or even give up my space in the lunch queue so she could get the best choice of chicken breast. I would have tried to look deep and thoughtful by frowning a lot and growing a fuzz moustache and scratching ironic cries for help in to my desk. She would no doubt have spurned my somewhat creepy and stalker-like advances with just as much indifference as she would have spurned my chivalrous actions as she would have been, on the evidence of Ys, far too deep a thinker for my teenage brain, fascinated rather than amused by anatomy, and ironic and funny without having to pretend.
She would have been my kind of gal because she was beautiful in a non-threatening way, highly original in her thought process, creative, alternative, smart, and so cute you could almost commit the accidental crime of squeezing all of the life out of her with overbearing affection. Had I been a more interesting, original and talented guy and did not come across in the least bit creepy, then perhaps, had we ever met (I must remember that this is pure fantasy), she might have let me be her boyfriend and then a few years later when she recorded her masterpiece, Ys, I could have had the honour of performing the baritone male vocal accompaniment part on "Only Skin" which, due to it's tumbling and vibrant nature, is my personal highlight on this record which is packed full of highlights, so packed, in fact, that there is no room for choruses or traditional song structures as we were used to on The Milk-Eyed Mender.
>>65583732
Instead we are treated to unravelling musical fairy tales which possess an undercurrent of the nightmarish world of Louis Carrol or the Brother's Grimm as the line between adolescence and adulthood is heartbreakingly blurred.
However, had Joanna and I met and fallen in love then it could not have been guaranteed that she would have ever recorded such a colossal record as this as, according to Doc Emmit Brown, the space/time continuum would have been disrupted and I may have dragged her down into my sad little life and not allowed her to follow the path of magic and wonder which she must have taken to invent the world in which the stories which comprise Ys take place in. I find it hard to imagine Joanna sitting down and having a normal breakfast of cereal; her music makes me presume that she runs through endless fields of corn causing butterflies to flee ahead of her skipping body as she gathers cereal and wheat with which to make bread through some magic process involving a nice equivalent of a cauldron.
>>65583753
I hate to think that at night she relaxes in front of the television; I assume, by listening to her music, that she is no doubt out after dark, her path lit by glowing fire flies, gathering moon beams in a basket. She does not lie in bed and frolic with some hairy man who falls asleep after he has released his desire into her; she stays up all night and tells stories to the animals who gather in hushed wonder in the collected moonlight she leaves outside of her window.
No, had I ever met and seduced a young Joanna it is highly possible that none of these images would seem even remotely possible; the normality would overpower the magic as it inevitably does, and the world would have lost a precious gem. And for not depriving the world of that, I should be thanked.
>>65583725
>plant
this makes me sad
>>65571483
kek
>>65583834
I... I think I'll go for a long walk.
>>65583304
puts his ratings into perspective
The Village Vanguard. New York City. 1961.
We was sittin’ there watchin’ the stage. Waitin’ for the man they called Coltrane to come out and do his thing. It was me and my four droogs. Them bein’ Peter, Georgio and Dim; Dim being really Dim.
‘Round an hour’d passed and the place was packed straight through to the back. I’d just dropped some dollars for ‘Trane’s Giant Steps six months back. Now was the time, this was the place. The Village Vanguard. New York City. 1961.
I was only there for the first night, see, but them cats at Impulse! just made my life complete. They put out four CDs of all that sound ‘Trane put out those nights. But you know my type, man. Can’t afford to eat, let alone spend some heavy cash on music. So I only got the essential. Live at the Village Vanguard: The Master Takes is one disc, makin’ it one-fourth the cost of the box set. And you only get the best stuff.
Man, the opening beauty of “Spiritual…” It’s like a dream I had: I floated on the River Nile, smokin’ some fresh weed, relaxin’. But I ain’t ever gonna see the Nile anyhow. This track’s as close as I come, and it’s close enough. Best of the best, though, has gotta be “India.” It’s only when you listen to a perfect old jazz tune like this that you realize how much drum-n-bass is derived from this music. ‘Trane takes it to heaven and back with some style, man. Some richness, daddy. It’s a sad thing his life was cut short by them jaws o’ death.
Shit, cat. It don’t make a difference. The man produced enough good music to last me a lifetime. This Village Vanguard thing’s just another example of the genius of Coltrane.
>>65584930
This triggers me in umpteen different ways.
>>65584930
It's a troll, you're helping him
http://www.tinymixtapes.com/music-review/dj-coquelin-mc-cloarec-je-men-tape
https://thump.vice.com/en_us/article/how-skinny-puppys-too-dark-park-made-me-confront-sickness-and-discomfort-in-electronic-music
for some reason it's very easy to find out awful reviews on rym
>>65585421
kodak_ghost is pretty cancerous on one hand, on the other he's an expert in his own little niche
this guy is beyond the spectrum
>>65571964
This gave me a boner?
>>65583225
absolutely disgusting
>>65579048
>inhaled a glass of water
What is he a fuckin fish
>>65573898
>aggressively hates Swans
>aggressively hates Sonic Youth
I wonder what would happen if he listened to Glenn Branca
If anyone posts a montie review they deserve death
>>65575046
this guy has to be either a hardcore dadrocker or mealhead
>>65571470
Friendly reminder that this butterfly will bring the destruction of reality.
>>65571521
Elliott Smith does suck cock, though. Seriously.
>>65571719
lol what the fuck
Not even depressed but those Horb posts made me want to off myself, jesus
Most RYM reviews are fucking terrible, especially the ones who try to be funny.
>>65571640
>uses the word "owned"
if he really is 26, thats just sad.
>>65573625
I didn't even read the review but lol why the fuck does he say he's giving it 10/10 but the rating is four and a half
>>65573898
I kinda agree with this one, new swans is cheesy as fuck, and post rock is in general really bad. Sonic youth is also very boring.
>>65574277
Lol I actually really like the cynicism in this one
>>65586575
>>65575046
Both, actually.
https://rateyourmusic.com/list/Qwerty100/the_hipster_collection/
His revies are hilarious. He's just an old man mad at kids not listening to Iron Maiden, Police and Kate Bush.
>>65587008
t.LimedIBagels
>>65571640
the fact that people can actually be this pretentious makes me wanna join a jihad
>>65589401
the problem isn't the criticism it's just the person who wrote it is an almighty douchebag and they way they wrote it was shit
>>65571640
cringed throughout the whole thing
>>65571521
he's right though
>>65589663
That's fair. I guess it's just rare enough for me to see criticisms leveled at at things the wild popularity of which I don't understand that it's still kind of twistedly satisfying to see. Even if the guy is a douche
>>65589817
FIGHT, YOU FUCKING MORONS! DON'T GO GENTLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT!
>>65589855
im in love
with the world
>>65589855
I don't understand why people have to go to school to become psychiatrists when this is literally all you need to do to fix people's problems.
>>65573898
this feels like some elaborated shitposting t b h
easily:
In the Court of the Crimson King [Atlantic, 1969]
The plus is because Peter Townshend likes it. This can also be said of The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. Beware the forthcoming hype--this is ersatz shit. D+
>>65583834
lmao I played AM for like 5 min then shut it off
>>65583834
this is a fucking classic
i want to print this and hang it somewhere in my room
>>65573386
genuinely one of the most obnoxious paragraphs I've ever read
>>65571470
>three stars
>>65589969
No, no — these posts are supposed to signify, but not with any immediacy; they're practiced and rehearsed and carefully written. Problem is, they still weren't worth writing in the first place; you end up straining to make out shitposts that end up not being worth the trouble.
>inb4 that Out To Lunch review
>inb4 that Newsom review with just the guy talking about what he would do if Joanna was his gf
>>65584847
This will never get old
>>65571470
This is obviously a joke
