Let's get hypothetical.
You're a writer whose been going at it for a bit now. You really enjoy what you do and put your blood, sweat, and tears into each story. One day, you decide to post it in a random thread to get some feedback.
Just one problem: No takers.
You wonder if you should even bother writing; you decide to quit and move on to something else.
If that story applies to you, then hold your horses. If all you wanted was feedback, improve your writing skills a bit, or maybe just see how others do it, then you've come to the right place. There are a few rules however:
>Posting the story directly in the thread is preferred over a link to pastebin, FiMFiction, etc.*
>One story at a time
>Don't be a dick or asshole when reading or critiquing
>All stories posted within thread must be prewritten.
This thread's purpose is to encourage writefags all over /mlp/ to write. We’re laid back here. Post what you want as long as its pone related. We’re not all “STOREEEYS ONLY!” We discuss topics such as writing techniques, interesting tropes, and bring forth story ideas. Let’s have fun.
*Not really a rule, but more a preference.
>>26666978
Tips and Links
Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug's tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup: http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f
http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)Had to. Puns are awesome.
Things you should know about writing:
Clever's Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn's Guide to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dIjqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/
(More links to come)
Lists of authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy
There are tons of authors from other threads, more will be added later.
>”How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>”FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way cure to it, but if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing, there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (Keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*
-Write anyway, allow yourself to write shitty stories, more often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.
*Unless you’re writing clop, listen to your boner.
Fucking all right. We should have another critique coming at some point, though I'm not sure when.
If you're still around, Dead Flurry Writer, can you post your response to my critique again? I'd love to address your follow-up questions when I get back from my weekend.
Mfw the thread died as soon as I wanted a critique of my work... if you can call it work that is...
http://pastebin.com/zH8CCs3e
Like creepy green? Start reading here...
>>26563613
(Complete story in that thread)
>>26667681
season 6 announcement probably makes this place faster than usual
Any tips on getting more out of my reading? I want to be able to appreciate stories on a deeper level
>>26669767
The site also seemed to be bugging out at the time.
bumb
10th for dead thread
10th for bump
10th forreminder that you're all good people doing good things by helping people improve their writing skills
oy, what are the chances I post a story and get a critique? Kinda don't want to wait days for a critique. Actually, scratch that, just ignore this post.
>>26673387
What's the hurry, my dude? Just post a story here according to the regulation in the OP and wait for someone to give you an informative critique.
It may take a long time considering this thread is usually empty, but at least you're still getting that informative critique.
>>26672919
y-you too
Stop being dead
>>26677866
but it's cozy
I wish I could pin down the feeling for you. I wish I know a single word that encapsulated this sensation. Frustration? No. Too weak. Anger? No. Too broad. Discontented? That's...a little better, but it's more than that. I'm more than "dissatisfied" with my situation (as the definition of discontented). I'm more than unhappy; I want to scream. Why? WHY? Fucking WHY? What is it that I don't understand? What is it that others have that I fucking don't? My words, my thoughts, my writing: it could all be churned out by a machine. Is that all I am? A machine with no soul? Why do my words come out so inhuman? I pour every ounce of my being, a fuel onto a kindling, and ignite the fire. "This is it," I tell myself, "this time, I will surely create a flame so bright, that the entire world will see!" Complete. Bullshit. It never comes out that way. I can never get a fire. It's more of a smolder, really. And then I'm blinded by a bright light. A roaring blaze. Someone else has figured it out, and everyone else sees him, and his glorious fire. He knows the secret. I could watch for all of eternity, and never know how to turn sticks into fire. I would remain in the cold forever. And I could never enjoy his fire for what it is. I would just be reminded of my own failure. So why? Why them? Why not me? Why are they so special? Why can't I do something great for once? Or even good for that matter? Why?
Envy. That's the word I was looking for.bumping with monologue. I really needed to get it out of my system.
>>26677866
I-it is pretty comfy
>>26677866
We all have something we wish we could take back, Anon.But it is always too late to take back the past.
>>26680740
take back the night
>>26681483
I will! In fact I'll take her right now!
Goodnight
>>26680740
People have survived falls from higher heights.
On top of that, AJ should be built as fuck from all of that farmwork.
Unless she landed on her head, but that is not the position someone would have after falling to their death and landing on their head. Her spine would be fucked right the hell up.
>>26681545
but she has things to do
And good morning
>>26685002
But anon its 13:55
>>26685020
It was morning in Equestria
Ump
>Trying to come up with a handful of paragraphs to bridge one part to another
>Can't come up with aanything
Goddamnit
http://pastebin.com/qNLKt1sF
I've been doing this one about a chapter a year for three years. It's a cross of MLPxUniversal Studios Orlando
>>26688849
>It's a cross of MLPxUniversal Studios Orlando
What compelled you to do this?
>>26688894
Anon asking the important questions here
>>26688894
A fascination with both and an interest in tying them together a' la Jurrassic Park. I worked at Universal a while and helped open Harry Potter. I still work on rides today, hence why i need peer motivation to get this creation of mine an audience.
>>26689063
Alright, I can't be mad at this reason.
bamp
blip
>>26667681
I can critique that if you want.
http://pastebin.com/ZUa0KRKt
Here's chapter 2 and a pic of one of my rides.
>>26691677
Carny-chan, how long will you be staying with us?
>>26691677
n o i c e
>>26688774
maaan
>>26691721
I was go gonna post Chapter 3 but then i got high. I was gonna set up like Dr
Breen, but then i got high. I post that shit tomorrow and i know why hey hey.
>>26693594
Right on man
>>26691721
Always I want to be with you and make believe with you
>>26667033
Reposting.
First off, I want you thank you so much for taking the time to critique it. This is the first long critique I've had, and I've learned much more than what I would've trying to just go at it myself. Most of your points make a lot of sense, and I've taken notes to think on them.
Admittedly, some of the motivation was how crazy I could do it, but I'm glad you think I was able to keep edge levels for the most part down. (I am interested in writing things with unreliable narrators and necro, so it wasn't entirely for the craziness) To be honest, I was mostly stumbling around, and I think I got some of the things right on accident, which explains the general lack of consistency in my writing.
>without pretense or gratuitous details
Do you have a specific part in mind where there was a right amount of detail? Was it just a general thing where I was nonchalant about writing about a dead baby?
>writing...was solid
I understand that a writer should probably know this, but what parts of the writing made it good? Was it just the general tone I wrote it, or the pacing, or the vocabulary? I think knowing what went right helps as much as what went wrong, I promise I'm not fishing for praise.
>>26636526
>>26636553
>craziness is generic and cliche
Yeah, I could've done it better. With the backstory I had in mind (also something I wasn't able to do so well), I wanted to convey mostly disassociation (of the nothing is real kind). I wanted a short temper and voices as a result of significant internal monologuing, but then you're right in that now him being selected for a babysitter is a huge plot hole. So I'll think on it.
I agree with adding more details to his craziness, but I'm worried that it would exhaust the reader and I would spend much longer in the intro inside Anon's mental scenes. I feel like short scenes will make it seem shoehorned in, and longer ones would drag out without much physically happening, but I guess I'm already doing it here.
>>26693606
Has anyone else ever gotten the bag of Cheerios and pretended it was oats? I'm totally a pony right now and I miss my homeland of Equestria. But a stiff upper lip and all that. Straighten up, little soldier. That's what me dad always say anyway.
>>26693803
>>26693803
Carny-chan, it's time to stop posting. Sleep it off dear.What strand are you smoking?
>>26693779
>Cadance can see into other people's hearts
Is that how other people write her?
>>26636571
>conscious attempt to shut her up for better effect
I really like that idea. The accidental baby killing is kinda a trope by now. It would still probably be accidental but I think it can be done better.
>>26636571
>sex not necro enough and bland
I wanted a scenario in which she didn't seem dead to him, still alive but just quiet. I opted for more living descriptions that way, but I can see a way to incorporate both.
>>26636637
The sex was stale, and I agree I relied way too much on the idea that this is snuff and foalcon combined to carry the impact. I tried to soothe the transition a bit by trying hard to make it seem to him like it wasn't necrophilia, that he just thought in his delusion that he had found a trick to stop her from crying, and so go for the dramatic irony angle. I wanted to use it as a tool to emphasize his mental state.
However, your angry sex suggestion sounds great, and I can see it working out very well. My thoughts never went beyond a whimsical approach to the relationship between anon and a corpse, but the idea of it being anger/revenge driven gives me several ideas.
>>26636692
>deliquesces
I've just referred to it as fluids or juices (in other fics) so many times without knowing another word for it. Thank you.
>>26636692
>good suggestions on conveying distracted thoughts
I might've unconsciously used them before, but now I'll know to use them. Those sound like great techniques.
>>26636722
>>26636735
All of those changes make sense, and highlight the problem I have with character consistency, which I'm going to keep working on. Do you have any tips for keeping characters in character, and how to avoid all those
>why the hell is he doing this?
moments? It's a common thing that keeps popping up.
Anyways, thank you so much for helping me, you're an amazing person! I really appreciate it.
pmub
>>26691499
That would be nice
Stop being dead damn it
>>26693965
Thx pal. Every night there's a party after work. I was pretty drunk. All after hours of course. I gotta go help fix a ride now.
Chapter 3 is coming together, much like this Giant Wheel.
>>26696657
What if I said please?
>>26666978
Bump with content. Spent all day hammering this out on my phone no less.
Project Pegasus Chapter 3
http://pastebin.com/ZJXtUv2H
Read my shit, damn you /mlp/
>>26699678
Someone will get to it eventually. Don't worry
>>26693779
Very cool. I've been looking forward to this.
>detail
It was the nonchalance with which you treated the dead baby. That kind of subject is such an easy trap for writers to fall into with melodrama and tortured metaphors, so to see an approach that didn't try to be more than what it was was good to see.
>solid writing
I understand your concern about looking like you're fishing for praise; that same fear holds me back at times as well. I did like the pacing, and that it didn't linger on any one tragedy for long. It kept things fresh. The vocabulary was solid, but I didn't ever notice it, and that's a pretty safe condition for one's writing to be in. The tone was a little all over the place.
>craziness
You don't need to add all the details and nuance to his craziness up front, because you're right, that would exhaust most readers. The idea is to get a firm idea of what his deal is in your own head, so you can write him with obvious consistency and confidence. With that kind of writing, you will have less need for justifying his actions, because you'll know they're correct for his mental condition. Not spending time making his actions seem to fit will leave you more room for actual characterization, beyond the disorder, and that will, in turn, give Anon more material to use. It's a cycle that can feed itself, if you have the correct foundation of knowledge and writing skill.
>>26693972
>Cadance
See, that's why I backed away from that paragraph with my word about headcanons. It makes sense to me, given that her whole schtick is manipulating ponies' capacities for love, but I'm sure there are plenty of arguments to the contrary. I can tell you that, if I were to write her, I would write her in that way.
>>26701363
>dead sex You'll want to be careful with how alive you make her seem to Anon. This story is taking his perspective, but it's not first-person, so what he sees is not the limit to the readers' comprehension. For that reason, making Flurry seem too lifelike will blur the lines between those two perspectives.
>deliquesces
If you want a source of really cool, not-often-used vocabulary, may I suggest you read The Crystal World by J.G. Ballard? I enjoyed it very much.
>character tips
Sheesh, that's a big question. I mean, there are manifold strategies to employ, but here are my preferred ones. I imagine my characters talking, sometimes with others, sometimes alone, sometimes even to me, to get a feel for how they speak and what sort of personality they have. I've heard other people say that writing these things down in the form of an interview has been helpful, but I've not tried it. I also think about my character(s) and figure out as much about them as I can, way more than will ever appear in my writing. I know their pasts, their weird secrets, all the stuff that no one else would really care to hear about, and it allows me to build my actual writing on, you guessed it, a firm foundation. It's the same idea as having a lot of knowledge about Anon's mental condition, instead of researching a real phenomenon, you're researching your own character.
As always, you're very welcome. I will be happy to see more from you.
>>26695182
I can have a critique for you on this on Friday.
>>26699678
you will be red
>>26697784
Well, if you're going to be polite.
>>26699678
Wait...link your story.
Get off of page 10
>>26704398
But it's so nice there.
>>26699678
I'm sorry guys its me. It's my intent to try to post at least a piece of the story every day for anyone that cares. I hold down a full time job so its kinda hard to find time to write as much as i should.
I know its a little expositions-heavy right now but i want to draw a good background for the action to come.
>b-but what about the smut, Carny?
Its coming. Don't worry Anon, our story is centered around the activities of a true mad scentist. He's not only "experimenting" with ponies, but with the powerful interactions between "The Dream Machine" and human mind. For an insight into his personality? Look no further than Edwin's idol, Gendo Ikari. Of course, now Edwin's a serious brony with a dangerous mind who likes to put his heart and "soul" into his work.
Frequent criticism I notice when "Anonymous" is a character in green text...
"The Anon character is completely undeveloped, and therefore unbelievable."
When I write 2nd person green that has Anon in it, I try to be vague about Anon on purpose, to make it easy for readers to self-insert.
Thoughts?
>>26706277
I'm not sure about your audience, but overall I have always received more interest when there's at least some personality to the anon. You would think not, but hey, it works. At some point green feels more like a storytelling device than a purely self insert fic thing.
>>26706591
Well, so do I, I would get bored writing any character as a tabula rasa. There at least has to be enough there to get the story moving and keep up momentum. I wonder if there is a trip wire, or happy zone...
Too little, and he's unrelateable.
Too much, and the reader thinks, "Nope, this isn't me" and loses interest...
>>26701462
I look forward to it, critiquefriend.
>>26705048
It may be but you don't want to be dead
>>26705640
ah ok
>>26707432
Thanks mom
It seems counter-intuitive. The stories I spent countless hours into crafting and focusing on, and writing with the intention of making a good story, are the stories that were completely forgotten. The ones that that fell by the wayside were the ones I wanted so badly for people to like. But the short 1-3 post stories where I just wanted to say something through writing, those were the words that stuck around. It's almost like the readers know when I'm being authentic.
>>26709136We do.
>>26709136
It could also be the attention span of readers. If you build a big story without intermediary feedback and you aren't amazing, readers probably won't read all of it.
What's involved when you try to craft a good story?Correlation =/= causation
>>26709335
>. If you build a big story without intermediary feedback and you aren't amazing, readers probably won't read all of it.
This. I lurk various >green threads, and I'll tell you something, unless I'm in a mood to digest a huge story, I tend to skip over it for something shorter, but if the writer leaves a link to his pastebin for his story, I'll bookmark the link for further reading.
Also, another gripe I have is when writefags update their stories and put it ALL into one pastebin link. Please for the love of God, don't start doing this. Just break up the story in chapters. I hate having to remember which line I was on to continue reading.
Looking at you Slave Pony writers.
>>26709335
>What's involved when you try to craft a good story?
What do you mean? As in what am I thinking about as I'm writing?
>>26709409
Really? I've actually been told by readers that they preferred one long paste
>>26710308
I wouldn't suggest it, but don't take my word as gospel here, I'm just pointing out cons in having one long post.
Typically, when someone's in a mood to read a story here, it's usually chapter by chapter, you get a good theme of what's going in the story, and you won't have to worry about losing your place.
I'll be the first to admit though, when a story grabs me, I'll binge read, but when I finally decide to check out a story that I skipped over in a thread and click on that pastebin link and see the scroll shrink to a mere slit, I groan. If the chapter's long, that's fine. As long as I can catch a break and not have to worry about losing my place. Split up the content so a reader can get a better feel of a theme of the chapter, and the various tones that came with it. You're more than welcome to paste the next chapter's link at the bottom of said chapter though.
Again, that's just my two cents on what goes in in my head, if it made sense.
bamp
blimp
vump
bamp
>>26710427
I get what you mean. Chapters make it easier to tackle
good day
>>26713458
It's an extension of punctuation and paragraph breaks.
Boop
I lurk among the playgrounds.
>>26718206
This is why parents never let their children near you
>>26718976
But what about my children
This thread is nice when there's positive feedback going around.
Too bad it's dead right now
>>26718206
Me too, I would kidnap one, but
>no hooves
Trying to hold out for Silver Spoon
Does anyone here like writing but not like reading?I'm okay with books, but I generally hate reading green. Does anyone else think that but still write green?
bamp
>>26721255
Kinda split on that
>>26721255
I like the feel of books, that's mainly why I prefer them to a screen.
Reading green in bulk isn't as bad when I'm reading from a tablet or something. Otherwise, I have to be hooked rather early on for it to not feel like a drag in most cases.
>>26691677
Did anyone claim or do this story?
>>26721255
I like writing green, but I don't like reading it. I prefer physical books, because there's something special about reading a book as opposed to reading a monitor, and also because 99% of the stories here are crap. I'm not insinuating that mine are any better, or that it isn't worth it that people write. I want us creating stories, and entertaining ourselves, but most greens here are badly written, mine included.
>>26721255
I don't much care for reading green. I'm much more likely to read something structured in prose than I am greentext.
But that's just me.
Speaking of prose, I kind of have a dilemma with a next story that has been stuck in my mind for a while now. I'm going to finish writing a current one in a greetext form, but I feel like the better suit for the new one would be a more orthodox approach. Which would probably mean me putting it on a fimfiction instead of posting directly here. But I've seen very few mentions of anything from theresave for Past fucking Sinsoutside of the... weird general circulating around. Is the site non-kosher, or is just a general preference?
>>26723715
>Is the site non-kosher, or is just a general preference?
A little of both. Greentext shows that you understand how things work here. It's also a quick format for getting to the point
>>26724508
>It's also a quick format for getting to the point
Well, my story so far is reaching into 20k words/110characters, and I kind of consider it half way done. So uh, not sure if that affects me much.
But I get the point, and will add being a dirty goym to the equation.
Alive!
>>26725400
Not Dead!
>>26725008
Have fun
>>26727117
Uh, you too?
Hump
>Whoops, forgot my name in that last post.
Hey everyone, little guy just texted me and asked me to tell you all that his internet isn't working at the moment. He told me that someone in the thread is expecting a critique tonight, so to that person: hang tight in the meantime.
Have an apology sheep in the meantime.
>>26728493
Was about to go to sleep lingering on that
Thank you Groceries.
>>26728565
My pleasure, anon.
Trump
>>26728493
aw thanks
lump
>>26731957
AJ that's not apples!
>>26726145
I know, right? And here's the best part: I still want learn how to write far more better.
>>26733459
>more better
You know where to start.:^)
>>26733832
*(sic!)
>>26732941
>"But it's red like appuls!"
Posting from Groceries' house. I need an electrician for my Internet problem, so, after this critique, I will not be available for follow-up commentary. Let's get on with it.
>>26728565
In your run-of-the-mill, Anon in Equestria story, many authors out there choose to hand-wave the fact that Anon is in Equestria. Those that don’t typically have something (or think they have something) new to add to the beginning to give it more depth or interest. Anon is crazy, or Anon is a super-genius, or Anon got teleported to pony land when he was in the middle of dental surgery. Something different. When an author does not have one of these flourishes, he or she usually just says “you made it to Equestria, you’ve been there X amount of days, here we go,” or sometimes even less than that. And that’s fine, because that’s all that it needs.
What I’m getting at here is that I see no reason for you to have taken the time and effort to write out most of this chapter. Everything you wrote was just introductory stuff, stuff we’ve read a thousand times before or don’t need to be told in the first place. What purpose is there in including the part where Anon needs to be told what everything is? It’s not like the setting is new to us. Why include the part where he gets introduced to Twilight? The characters and setting are old and familiar, so the only other reason to go through the whole rigmarole of taking us through Anon’s baby steps in Equestria would be to show us some insight into his particular condition that will color the rest of the story. I saw no such thing in your chapter. 1/?
>>26735856
Toward the end, Anon expresses this sudden desire to be a superhero, which is… fine. I actually find the idea a little silly, but whatever. However, this part of his character comes in so late that you’re facing one of two problems. One, if the case is that he’s wanted to be a superhero for a while and it’s just being introduced at the end of chapter one: that’s way too late. Hiking through a whole chapter of fluff only to get to a core character component is a waste, because there’s nothing stopping you from just introducing that character point earlier and getting on with the worthwhile parts of the story. Two, if the case is that this is a random impulse of his: that’s not set up well. Anon comes across as a scatterbrain, yes, but not the kind of person to alter the trajectory of their life, or the next several days, on a momentary whim. You’d want to set him up as a more fundamentally impulsive person, citing examples of other times when he’s done things similar to what is looking like his fling with superheroism.
So either way you slice it, Anon’s character change at the end needs to be reworked. The closest thing I found to something substantiating Anon’s decision was lines 183-189, where it looks like he manages to spontaneously generate some popcorn. On its face, this bit came out of nowhere and jarred the hell out of me. From what Discord said, I’m guessing Anon somehow has access to chaos magic, or a simulacrum thereof, and isn’t aware of it. If that’s the case, I think you can suggest the idea more elegantly. Having the aside of “You feel like popcorn would be great right around now” right in the middle of Twilight and Discord’s conversation took what little was going on in the story and ground it right to a halt to zoom in on Anon’s cutesy, quirky thought for several lines, and for what? So he can have something to munch on while the plot happens around him. 2/?
>>26735889
If you want Anon to seem chaotic or powerful or whatever, but still keep him largely innocuous, you don’t have to give him the story’s full attention for that brief moment that he’s in action. While Twilight and Discord are going at it, for instance, you can have one of Discord’s little spells go in a way he doesn’t want it to, and have him express confusion at that fact. He already figures out that Anon is connected right away, so having it done in that way will just streamline the process of you revealing that information.
There was also a small problem of pacing here. I was getting pretty impatient by the end of this chapter, and I get the feeling that you may have been as well, because some things happened way faster than they should. On line 139, Twilight tries to brush Anon off and get on with her errand, and I thought the placement and timing of that decision was weird. After all the unnecessary talk of Equestrian basics, and Anon essentially shoving it in her face that he’s different and unfamiliar with her world, she just wants to say goodbye and deliver Rarity’s fabric? She, Twilight Sparkle, the most curious of the mane six, finding a big-ass mystery like Anon and hardly taking the time out to talk to him? I don’t think so. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you need the scene as it is at all, but, if you’re going to write all that out, at least stay true to your characters. Then, on line 212, Discord does the same exact thing. He pops in, gives Twilight his grievance, notices Anon’s strangeness but does nothing about it, and then runs off for an unspecified reason. If Anon is really the big deal that Discord seems to think he is, then that has to be one important engagement to draw him away. This weird pony is, after all, the architect of Discord’s magical distress. 3/?
>>26735915
I do actually hope that you did these things because you were getting impatient with your own story, because, if you did not, the other likely explanation is much more grim. You could be using these characters and their interactions to evince the plot, instead of letting them stand on their own, and that is a bad idea. You can do both, and you can let them stand alone, but once characters start being in place exclusively to move the plot along, there’s trouble, because it reverts them down to mere props. If Discord shows up just long enough to give the audience some vital information about Anon, and does nothing else of import, then what’s stopping you from replacing him with Pinkie’s Pinkie Sense, or Twilight’s knowledge, or a big signpost inexplicably beside the spot where he appeared? What does he contribute that a different character, or even some useful object, cannot? Using characters as information-dumping servitors is a fast way to hurt a story, and it is also an easy trap for an author to fall into. So I hope you’re not doing that.
On the other side of all this, we’ve got parts like lines 143-153, where something super simple is achieved in way longer than needed. Ten lines devoted to Twilight acquiescing to Anon joining her? No one needs to read that. The length of the interaction made it seem hyper-inflated, like it’s some kind of great victory that Anon convinced her to allow him to walk beside her. It’s a strange combination of fast and slow, and it screws your pacing up a lot. Some things take forever to get going, and some things end so quickly that they seem downplayed, and, again, it leads back to how I opened this. Part of the reason that this has a sense of dragging on is because it’s nothing new. 4/?
>>26735947
I noticed a distinct change in Anon’s comfort level once he entered Rarity’s boutique. Up to that point, he’s been peppering Twilight with questions, looking around him with this sense of childlike wonderment, and overall doing what some of the more levelheaded bronies in the world would do in his situation. But, once he steps hoof into Rarity’s place, he seems utterly comfortable speaking for himself and asserting his weird requests. He doesn’t even get introduced to her, he just takes over the conversation she’s having with Twilight and makes it about his cape. Where was this confidence earlier? Don’t tell me he developed it from all his time spent with Twilight; it looked like he was with her for like fifteen minutes.
My final point is that you have a small problem with over-stating things, like lines 26 and 31. I get it, he’s a pony now. You can just describe his appearance, as you did, and leave it at that. Incidentally, he gets accustomed to his new equine body weirdly fast. You might consider including a scene where he’s familiarizing himself with his completely new physiology. Lines 57-59 were unnecessary to me. They seem, like 143-153, to be inflating an interaction more than it needs to be. A pony giggled at him, big deal, yet you’ve got Anon shaking it off, like it was some kind of slight. You don’t shake off minuscule things like that unless you’ve got some crippling social anxiety, which he clearly does not. Then, on lines 75-77, you don’t need to justify Twilight’s decision to go see Rarity. Friends do that for each other, it’s nothing extraordinary. In fact, it’s completely normal. Lastly, you’re using the word “seems” a lot in this story. 28 times, in fact. Spike seems to be standing up, a pony seems to notice Anon, a colt seems surprised. Just say the thing. There’s no need to include that word so many times, because it’s not adding any definition to what Anon sees. 5/?
>>26735989
The modicum of ambiguity that “seems” can add to normal descriptions is so negligible that you may as well leave it out and just say what is actually happening. It’s not like someone who seems to see Anon will later turn out to have not seen him; you’re never going to return to that random bystander again, so just get on with it.
So, in summary, there’s a lot to work on here. Your pacing needs to be reworked, and Anon needs to be grounded better. Right now, he’s just floating around, not strongly attached to any kind of plot or set character. I know it’s the first chapter, so I’m not expecting some huge character depth out of him right off, but I’d like to at least be able to tell where he’s coming from, and get an idea of his personality. He’s caught awkwardly between concerned disorientation, confidence, and spaciness. Your writing itself was repetitious at times, but generally okay, minus your propensity to overuse “seems.” I want to impress, at the last, that you need to either add a lot to this chapter, or remove it entirely, for it to work, because it’s not doing anything except setting a scene that doesn’t need to be set. The details, like Discord being confused by Anon’s ambient magic, and Anon’s whole superhero thing, can be transplanted into a different first chapter easily, simply by slipping them in to a part of his time in Equestria when things DO start happening, instead of at the very beginning. 6/6
Little guy out until... unspecified. I may use Groceries as my messenger until things get sorted out at my own place.
bamp
>>26736059
Thank you very much for the criticism friend.
I very much appreciated it.
>>26736059
hope your electrical problems get sorted soon
daylight's saving time is here
>>26742297
Daylight savings sucks
Go away page 10
bamp
Lump
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1NkwT6VPLSY
Thought you guys would enjoy this
>>26747037
I-I don't... wut?
Whump
Last numb before bed
>>26749634
gnite
>>26748190
yeah you know
Are there no stories to critique or something?
I've a question. When a character is sweating profoundly, does he soak the bedcovers in his sweat or with his sweat?
>>26753023
"In his sweat" sounds better to me
>>26753131
Agreed
>>26753131
Thanks.
Dear, Pastafromspace
It's your old friend, anon. I want to write to you to let you know that the other anons and i are awaiting your return.
You never really finished that story, we'd love to see you return and finish the story.
The pounding story and the lewd scenes were very enjoyable. You can't let this story go to waste.
I believe in you.
We all believe in you.
~Sincerely, Anon
>>26753685
I'd second that
Wew
How do you guys feel about greentexts that shift perspective?
What benefits and drawbacks are there to having multiple perspectives vs. one?
Is there an appropriate way to go about it, or is it best to leave it to one perspective?
>>26759070
Do you mean switching characters? Or different approaches to a scene?
With the former, it depends on the way you want to tell the story, and the pace at which you want to move forward. Now the latter depends on the way you write that specific scene. You may be hiding details so that a different character would reveal them by its own experience of that scene. Bare in mind that both of these of shouldn't be used nonchalantly; they will lose all the novelty they could've had pretty fast.
Try it out and see if they fit your story, and remember, don't abuse them.
>>26759070
Benefits
>See multiple things and multiple sides, easier to show than tell
>Lets you more easily flesh out a world
>Can add drama with different knowledge for each character
Cons
>Usually not done well, bad way of doing infodump (in my opinion)
>Greentext naturally lends itself to self-insert, it feels awkward going from Anon to a pony (pony to pony might not feel as awkward)
>Characterization flaws in a story can be really obvious
I prefer green in one perspective, it's a sort of limited 2nd person thing, and it should be more personal. From what I've seen, it's never been not jarring, and I just don't recommend it unless you're experimenting with it.I might be a little biased.
>>26752994
Pretty much. Just going through general downtime. At least it's cozy 'round here.
>>26759511
>>26759533
What if the perspective changes on a flashback? The main story follows Anon, but switches to another pony when she's having a flashback?
>>26761726
I think it's the same deal, just in a flashback. Shifting perspective for sake of flashback is probably more typically used as well.
>>26758387
lad?
Can I get a story critiqued? I had it reviewed by little guy and tried my best to apply his suggestions when expanding it.
It's still not finished, but I figured might as well see what you guys think now before continuing.plus it looks pretty dead here so I thought ya'll might want something to tear into
It's a clop with mares playing eachother in a sexually charged game of tackle hoofball:
http://pastebin.com/neMhnNUE
>>26765180
Do you want little guy to critique it again?
>>26765715
For consistency's sake that would be ideal.
But, I'm not opposed to other's $0.02
>>26766203
second opinions can be very good
>>26767086
That they can anon.
I'm mostly worried about my pacing and keeping the story interesting as it goes along. I want it to be engaging the whole way through, as if your watching and playing the game yourself. I'm not sure what actions I want to breeze over and what actions I want to focus on. Describing every play of the game would get tedious for me and the reader.
I also hope I'm giving the characters distinctive personalities, so that you know who's talking when, what they are like outside the story, stuff like that.
I'm trying my best to vary my language and describe the game in a brutal, yet erotic. This is my first fetish clop so let me know where I need to improve
rump
all night
Trump
Tell me something, WG, what do you think makes a story good?
Constant usage of vague vocabulary and grammar? Original plot? Or maybe simplicity in every aspect?
>>26771053
Fundamentally, I think a story that expresses it's theme clearly is successful. Good vocabulary, grammar, plot progression, and characters make it better.
>>26771053
I actually have an answer for this. I'll post it later tonight when I've got more than ten minutes to type
Bumpu
>>26771053
Okay, finally back.
People have done dissertations on what makes a quality work. I've found these elements, and I think they apply to literature, as well as other artforms
>Has form
It doesn't have to have a standard structure, but as long as it has some kind of discernible form to it
>Mastery of craft
Does the author understand the elements of writing and how they interact?
>Sufficiently unpredictable
Can you follow along as well as be surprised?
>Consistent quality
Pretty straightforward. I'm sure you've come across good stories and you've asked yourself "why was that in there?" when you come across a part that doesn't actually serve the story
>Consistent in style
Also straightforward
>Reflects ingenuity of style
Is there something clever being done with the conventional elements?
>Genuine and not pretentious
Is it trying to be something more than it is, or does it understand what it is?
>Historical importance
Honestly, this last one probably doesn't apply to greentext unless you've come across a green that has changed the way writefags do their business here
These are just the broad strokes. I would say more detailed stuff would be things like
>Does it push boundaries in some way?
>Is there unity of themes and motives?
>Can you connect to it emotionally?
And the big question
>Is the work timeless?
>>26775199
Wow, I'm saving this as a cheat sheet for quick self critiques. Also, is it more important to make a timeless and masterful work, or can it be just as good to make like a pulp classic that panders to the audience's love of certain tropes so long as you follow the "Genuine and Not Pretentious" rule?
>>26775416
>Also, is it more important to make a timeless and masterful work, or can it be just as good to make like a pulp classic that panders to the audience's love of certain tropes
A masterful work isn't always this transcendental work that appeals to the refined minds of avid consumers of literature. Masterful works can be in the popular vein too. Think of films. Think of all the shitty art films that get thrown out each year. They're trying to appeal to the film buffs, but still aren't good. Now think of things like Ghostbusters, or A Christmas Story. They're targeted towards the mainstream, but they're still damn good movies in their own right.
>>26775656
I think I see what you mean. I was thinking of the Dresden Files that use so many of the good old tropes of pulp detective works and fantasy, but I can easily see how the total of his stuff answers those broad questions well. Its hard for me sometimes to try envision how to make a thing approachable, unique, and yet still derivative enough that you don't leave the reader floundering. I think I just need to write moar.
>>26775760
>I think I just need to write moar.
Probably
>>26775760
it's practice!
BUMPS
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