Let’s get hypothetical.
You’re a writer who’s been going at it for a bit now. You really enjoy what you do and put your blood, sweat, and tears into each story. One day, you decide to post it in a random thread to get some feedback.
Just one problem: no takers.
You wonder if you should even bother writing; you decide to quit and move on to something else.
If that story applies to you, then hold your horses. If all you wanted was feedback, to improve your writing skills a bit, or maybe just see how others do it, then you’ve come to the right place. There are a few rules, however:
>Posting the story directly in the thread is preferred over a link to Pastebin, FiMFiction, etc.
>One story at a time.
>Don’t be a dick or asshole when reading or critiquing.
>All stories posted within the thread must be pre-written.
This thread’s purpose is to encourage writefags all over /mlp/ to write. We’re laid back here. Post what you want as long as it’s pone related. We’re not all “STOREEEYS ONLY!” We discuss topics such as writing techniques, interesting tropes, and bring forth story ideas. Let’s have fun.
>>25782183
Tips and links:
Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug’s tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup:
http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f
http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)
Had to. Puns are awesome.
Things you should know about writing:
Clever’s Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn’s Guite to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/
A few authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy
>“How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>“FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way to cure it, but, if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing; there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*.
-Write anyway, and allow yourself to write shitty stories. More often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.
*Unless you’re writing clop, then listen to your boner.
>>25782183
>filename
Damn...
Am I allowed to post anything that isn't pony related to be judged? I just need to have my writing style in general critiqued.I can fuck off if need be
>>25783134
Check the OP.
>Post what you want as long as it’s pone relatedbut you can post a link and see anyone could help you out with that. Couldn't hurt right?
>>25783189
Nah, it's fine I'll just fuck off. Thanks tho
>>25783212
We'll be here if you got something for us m8.
Buuump
>>25783212
We're not that harsh, dude. If you need help then we can take a look at it. As long as it isn't a really long story, no skin off our bones.
>>25783091
It's okay, we're here for you, bro.
I'm not getting the reassurance and/or advice I wanted from the FimFic thread, so I'm linking it here.
>>25784905
Jesus, I haven't read the discussion from the last thread. It died too fast.
>Bump 9 then
Gonna dig through the archive for that.
>>25785926
When it comes to something like that, you'd have to actually look it up online. That said, if you can't find anything then use deductive reasoning.
>Lizards are cold blooded and need to keep warm by bathing in the sun
>Night comes by and things start getting cold for the lizard.
>Would a rock be warm enough to keep a lizard rock for multiple hours on end?
>Potentially. Are there other methods a lizard could use to be warm?
>They could burrow into the ground and keep warm that way.
>Which is more effective?
Then just go from there. It may not be true in the long run, but it would at least make sense to people who don't pay to much attention to the smaller details. That said, don't worry about that kind of nit picking by some people. Unless this whole rock thing is a major plot point/device, then don't worry too much about it. Most people won't care in the slightest.
>>25786527
>>>25669010
Read it fast, the archive doesn't actually exist anymore. This'll disappear in a few days.
>As Anon searched the list of strange boxes and pretty pictures, he slowly began to notice how little he cared for most of the threads.
>Was it just his ego
>Was he just some kind of autist looking for a little...
>what was the word?
>...
>'kek. That silly pony is wearing a police uniform'
>Silly Pony
>hmmm...
>'I wonder if ponies roleplay'd during sex'
>Maybe vanilla was good enough for the average pony
>I mean, their culture was exceedingly different than ours
>Didn't even seem to have money as its spine
>Imagine if earth was like that
>We'd be a bunch of pussies waiting to be killed
>With another scroll of the mouse, another 10 images happened by
>...
>Yep it was a slow day for this Anon.
Bujp
>Yes, I'm sure he'll be the one.
>...
>...
>...
>You are Anon.
>You open your eyes for what feels like the first time.
>Your head is pounding.
>You see yourself stuck in what looks like a jail cell.
>Nearby, a heated argument between two male voices is heading towards you.
>"Why can't you get it through your thick skull that we should study this creature! He could prove to be a valuable asset."
>"I've seen his kind before. Believe me, the only thing special about them are their spider-like appendages."
>"Perhaps if we can research his anatomy, possibly dissect those 'spider hands', we can make advances in robotics or maybe even prosthetics."
>You see two stallions emerge from down the hall.
>They enter the room and stop just in front of your cell.
>One has a white lab coat draped over him. The other wears a shiny breastplate.
>To your amazement, they were the ones talking.
>You must be dreaming.
>"What is your angle, Doc?"
>"Why, whatever do you mean?"
>"Your attempts to convince me to donate it to your department seem desperate. What is it you actually wish to do with it?"
>The Doc grins. "Isn't it obvious?"
>"Enlighten me."
>>25788508
>"Tell me, what other explanation would you have a creature that magically appeared in the sky and crashed in Equestria?"
>"You think he's some sort of invader?" the stallion says, raising an eyebrow.
>"Precisely. A soldier to conquer this land or even a weapon of some kind. I want to see what makes it tick. I'm sure I could find the answer without..." Doc hesitates for a moment. "Killing it."
>"The humans waging a war with Equestria? They would be mad to even consider it. They can only ever send one every ten or so years."
>"What makes you assume that's a solid limitation, General? They could even be scouts? Hell, they might even be sleep agents. Planting themselves into society only to uproot it."
>"Hm... You almost convinced me..." the General answers sarcastically. "However, I think there are some holes in that. First off, we've monitored everyone of the humans that have come here. Some have even died of old age. None of have disappeared, presumably back to their origins. None of them have even been able to explain how they got here. Even if they were militiant, why would humans invade a place they have no intelligence on? It'd be like sending your armies to the moon."
>Doc stares at the General and eventually sighs. "Looks like I really can't change your mind on this."
>They both turn to face you.
>"So what are you going to do with it?" Doc asks.
>"We'll interview it and sell it like the others," the General answers. He turns and begins walking out of the room, Doc follows suit.
>Doc snorts. "Your department could use some new uniforms."
>>25788515
>After they leave you are left with your thoughts.
>Surely a dream would have you in a more active role but you're just stuck here, in this cage.
>You attempt to remember how you even got here.
>The last thing you remembered sitting alone in the dark, dreading what the future had in store for you.
>You decided to sleep it off and then you woke up here.
>Your head hurts and your body aches.
>You also notice something strange around your neck. Two prongs press into your flesh.
>It must be some sort of shock collar.
>The cell has a bed and a toilet.
>Must just be a holding cell.
>Are you going to prison?
>You decide to stand up which feels like a mistake almost instantly.
>Recoiling, you bring your legs towards your body, cradling them.
>Your joints are extremely stiff, like you haven't moved much for a very long period of time.
>Days, weeks?
>You slowly push your legs straight out in front of you, pulling back each time you feel pain.
>Eventually, you manage to fight the stiffness and have them where you want them.
>Time to try standing again.
>You scoot towards the bed and use it to help keep your balance.
>You successfully stand up.
>You never knew it could feel so nice just to be on your feet again.
> You slowly pace around your cell.
>Your body begins to feel more flexible as you begin using your joints again.
>Somehow, despite having just woken up, you feel exhausted.
>You give the bed a longing look.
"Can't be any harder than the floor."
>You lie down and try to go to sleep.
>It takes a while as the thought that this could all be real plagues your mind.
>The sand man manages to find you though, even in this strange place.
3/4
>>25782183
>put your blood, sweat, and tears into each storyI mean I don't half ass them and do puy some level of effort in but I know I'm not exactly writing art here.
>>25788526
>You awake to the sound of clanking.
>You're still inside the cell.
>How could this all be real?
>Something else quickly grabs your attention.
>A pony with soft features standing outside your cell.
"Who are you?" you ask in a hoarse voice.
>She jumps slightly, bumping her cart.
>You hear objects slide briefly across it's metalic surface.
>A couple sound like they hit the edge.
>Once she regains her composure, she replies, "I'm just here to get your vitals, double check that you've made a full recovery."
You clear your throat. "Full recovery from what?"
>"I'm not surprised you don't remember," she answers. "You fell from the sky."
"The sky?" you stammer.
>"Well, more like a couple meters. But still, you had a concussion and a few cracked ribs."
"How long has it been since you got here?"
>She tilts her head. "You've been in your cell a good sixteen hours. Equestria? More like sixteen days."
>So much time had passed and you hadn't even been a part of it.
>Who knows how long it was from your last memory to falling here in... Equestria.
4/4 (All I have so far, but I also had an outline if that might help. Thanks for any criticism.)
>>25788532
> I know I'm not exactly writing art here.
Not with that attitude.You should hang your hat here Anon.We believe in you!
>>Posting the story directly in the thread is preferred over a link to Pastebin, FiMFiction, etc.
So eh, what if the story is close to 20000 words?
>>25788874
Then link, of course.
It's not a steel rule, no one will bite you to death because of links especially under that condicion.
>>25788874
Personally, I'd like to have a sample of it in this thread before I go to pastebin and read the whole thing.
>>25788972
I'm on board with >>25788874
The sample would keep the thread afloat too, so hey...
SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT
>>25789013
>>25788972
Want me to start at the beginning or somewhere in the middle with the sample?
>>25789042
Beginning.
>>25789066
Inspired and based on "The Danger of Logical Fallacies"
by PavlovsBelle
>you are Anon
>currently walking to CHS
>typical bland male high school student
>really only one step above the school idiot Norman, bless his soul, with your painfully average life
>you are also an extraordinarily lazy piece of shit
>at every turn when given the chance, you'd do everything in your power to wiggle you way out of doing hard work, or really any work at all
>a trait you inherited from your old man, however you did not inherit any of the countless successes he had in this regard
>with how successful he was compared to you, you thought the old horny bastard had a tongue of pure silver and a lucky streak a mile long
>needless to say you were pretty envious of the bald asshole
>but in your hand you held your other inheritance
>the real reason all his weaseling paid off
>a small black object that, for all intents and proposes, looks exactly like a phone and two unassuming specially made ear buds
>that is no phone
>it is a device that, when activated, sent out some weird sound waves below the range that humans could hear
>these sound wave affected the brains of all who where unprotected from them into accepting anything that is said to them as being perfectly logical completely ignoring the countless fallacies that are in what was said
>the earbuds are where the protection comes in
>they were made specifically to block the effects of the device while still allowing you to hear sounds within the average range humans can hear
>you look down at it sourly remembering he had used it to effectively brain washing you into thinking that going into the room that it was kept was, logically, an absolutely terrible thing to do and made you terrified to death of the room
>"Fuck him." you said out loud.
>luckily for you, as a teenager, not all of your decisions were based on reason so you went in there anyway highlighting its limitations in mind control
1/4
>>25789142
>it didn't take long after finding it to figure out what it was
>your older sister, Femanon, certainly helped in that regard
>you come to a stop before the doors of the school
>sticking the device in your green hoodie pocket you rub your hands together to fight off the cold early morning air
>soon the sour emotions from your father was replaced by giddiness and you couldn't help but smile as you pull the device out again
>thinking of all the possibilities of getting through school with absolutely no effort on your part
>all the possibilities for >lewd also crossed your perverted mind
>smiling widely after putting the buds in your ear and the hood on your head to hide them you pushed the doors open to begin your search for the first person in school to use it on
>not two minutes after entering, Principle Celestia catches you with a hood on and calls your name sternly
>'God damnit...'
>'Wait a tick'
>you grip the device in your pocket and smile
>turning to face her you greet Celestia's crossed arm stance with a polite hello
"Anon, take that hood off."
>clicking the button on the device activating it you begin talking to her
>"Okay, Principle, I will, but I have a question first. Is the purpose of high school not to prepare us for adult life out in the world? I assume that this is the case but it would be nice to be sure."
>Celestia is already clearly annoyed, having dealt with her fair share of students who think themselves silver tongued devils she thought she knew where this was going
"Yes, that is what high school is for, Anon, but this has absolutely nothing to do with your hood. Take it off now, if you don't want detention."
>"But Principle Celestia, if school is intended to prepare us for the real world and the real world does not have a silly law against wearing things on our heads, then it would follow that this rule is pretty stupid given what high school is for. Wouldn't you agree?"
>unable to find any fault in your reasoning she responded
2/4
"Yes, Anon, the regulation is rather inane, but as principle I have no choice but to enforce it. The district makes them up, not me. Just take it off and stop trying to talk me into letting you wear it, its just a hood."
>it took you a few seconds to think up a response to her rebuttal
>she looked even more agitated and ready to say something else
>but despite your rather slow wit you thought of one
>"Surely it being rather pointless is enough reason to ignore it and not enforce it? After all a high school is to prepare us for real life through education. Education does a rather fine job in preventing stupidity and, at least to me seems to be the point of it. So, with that in mind, this certainly means that to best serve your students to ignore thi-"
>you stopped yourself before thinking of something on the spot before grinning and continuing
>"-all rules that you find to be pointless and stupid?"
>she stood there in thought for a painful amount of time as she contemplated on what you said
>partly because she couldn't find a reason to disagree with you and partly because she didn't want to disagree with you
>she always thought the increasing amount of regulations she was given to force on students were pointless but never found a good reason to be able to ignore them until now
>finally she spoke up
"Yes, I suppose that is true. It would be best to ignore the regulations that I find won't contribute to preparing students for life outside of school and only enforce the ones that contribute to that end."
>letting out a laugh as you move to turn the device off but decide against it as an errant amorous thought involving crosses your mind getting you to look at your principle with an eye of lust
>you were not normally a man of cougars but you were a man of easy opportunity
>there was also something erotic to be said about much taller women
>so you convince her to continue the conversation in her office missing a person within range on her hidden phone also affected
3/4
>once inside her office you have to force down your giddiness
>cause you were smiling like a retard who found the chocolate milk
>too late, she already noticed it and was noticeably creeped out
"Anon, why are you so happy about being in my office?"
>'Fuck.'
>"Well, uhhh..."
>'Think,Anon, think.'
>"Its because I'm finally not in here due to trouble."
>she looked to think about it for a second
"Yes, I do remember you being in here rather regularly last school year due to your teacher's troubles with you attempting to get out of your school work."
>you were about to shrug but you got an idea, a great but terrible idea
>you look down to the ground attempting with all your pitiful anorexic acting to look as dejected as possible
>"Yeah, I am a pretty terrible student and person in general."
>Celestia's face contorted in confusion as internally she waged a battle within her head
>thanks to the device she was forced to accept what you said as logical and thus as truth >however her emotions reviled the idea of accepting it and agreeing with the statement let alone verbally to a student
>her emotions won out over the logic, she really was a caring soul despite her ineptitude
"Now, Anon, I refuse to believe that is true. There is no such thing as a terrible student or terrible person, just misguided. What made you think like this?"
>luck she bought it
>"Well, I, ummm..."
>disguised as hesitation you think of how to word your request
>"I'm sorry I'm not comfortable talking about it. Maybe, since it is your job to help students and I am in need of your help and you sitting in my lap would make me comfortable talking about it, you should sit in my lap to help me."
>her face contorted in anger for a moment as she processed the perfect logic in your statement and you felt a brief shock of fear go through you before remembering you could easily talk your way out of it thanks to the device
>she then sighed clearly waging another emotional battle inside her
4/4
>>25789184
And pastebin
http://pastebin.com/LZD73pfh
>>25788560
You've established enough to get me interested in the story, however there are some issues that should be addressed.
>You
>You
>You
I know this topic has been repeated countless amount of times in this thread, but it bears repeating, this >You syndrome is a common problem when writing in the second person.
But there are ways out of it. Here's a section where the problem was practically glaring.
>Time to try standing again.
>You scoot towards the bed and use it to help keep your balance.
>You successfully stand up.
>You never knew it could feel so nice just to be on your feet again.
> You slowly pace around your cell.
>Your body begins to feel more flexible as you begin using your joints again.
Personally, I would get rid of
>You successfully stand up.
There are other means of conveying that without outright saying it, but the second line was redeeming enough that you could build on.
>You never knew it could feel so nice just to be on your feet again.
Which I would convert to
>Huh, didn't think it would feel so nice just to be on your feet again.
What I'm getting at here, is that you should be mindful that the reader has front row seats to the character's thoughts, especially since the reader -is- said character in means of perspective.
When you blend in thoughts and actions, you'll notice the material won't come off as reading like a checklist.
> You slowly pace around your cell.
>Your body begins to feel more flexible as you begin using your joints again.
Could be
>Pacing around your cell, your body feels more flexible as you begin using your joints again.
Again, I want you to aware of the >You syndrome, there are plenty of ways around it, I know what I'm telling you.
1/2
>>25789543
Aside from that, your writing needs tuning in means of details, I get that greentext's norms is leaned more toward lazy, and vague details due its quick paced nature, but you have to push through it.
Make sure you've given enough details to immerse the reader in your world. The only thing I know about the cell that Anon's in is that it has a toilet, a bed and that the floor is hard.
But what about the temperature? It is cold? Hot? Are there any distinct smells? Is it dark? For that matter does Anon need to shave? Adding in that allows you as a writer to put emphasis of what the character (who's supposed to be the reader since its second person), is going through.
All in all, the story itself was -okay- enough for me to be interested in what will happen to Anon in this story due to the situation he's in.Although, I like that you had Anon fall from the sky as an entrance. That would be one hell of a way to intrigue anyone.>"So, Anon, where'd you come from?""I literally fell from Heaven."
Hope this helps.
>>25789184
>>25789208
Currently reading and I've got two words For You™.CONSISTENT CAPITALIZATIONYes you deserve that verbal whoopin', you know better than that.C'mon now Anon.
>>25789543
>>25789558
It definitely helps. Thank you very much.
I felt you on the ">You" thing but wasn't quite sure how to fix it that very moment.
Details have almost always been my weak point so I appreciate your suggestions. I always feel like if I go to far into it, I'll be robbing people of using their own imagination to fill in some details or perhaps begin writing purple prose unintentionally. Obviously not a good mindset to have while writing but I'm not quite sure how I should view it instead. Probably just keeping immersion in mind is the way to go or maybe considering it as extra character development and clarification on his thoughts.
One thing I was worried about was pacing. Like you said, greentext is usually fast paced. Figured it would be too slow paced for some people. I'm glad it wasn't either a problem at all or at least glaring enough to be commented on.
As for the hook in general, my efforts were really focused on making it strong. Glad I was successful.
Should I fix errors mentioned and repost with some more content or should I only post if I have a section that feels weaker than other areas?
>>25790549
You should avoid purple prose at all costs, that being said, you don't have to worry about robbing people of their imagination, just give them enough to go on.
You don't have to describe which way the grain of a wooden floor flows, unless the character is barefooted and caught a splinter on the way to the fridge for a gluttonous midnight snack. The Floor people are getting a Scottish earful in the morning for their shoddy work. Now to find that business card...
Anyway,
I go by a set of rules that help with being in the sweet spot when using details.
>Cross out anything that contributes nothing to the story.
>Cross out anything redundant.
>Should I fix errors mentioned and repost with some more content or should I only post if I have a section that feels weaker than other areas?
I suggest before you post said weaker areas, go back and see what you can fix, give it a shot, and if you're still not sure, we'll give it another look eh?
>>25789659
That the biggest mistake I've made so far?
>>25790821
It's a mistake that shouldn't be there and one that's picked up on the first line of text. It indicates laziness. Any reader would ask, "if you're not going to bother capitalizing all your sentences, why should I bother reading your story?"
That is a question that should never be asked, especially after reading the first line. If I'm coming off harsh, I really don't mean to, but how you present your story can say a lot.
I'll still give the story a read and I'll share my thoughts, but I've got dinner to make in a little bit. I should have something for you later this evening, Anon.
bumos
>>25790942
Oh I wasn't saying that it should be there.
I was confused that of all the problems that are in it:
The broken sentences, the incorrect use of commas, the lack of punctuation in general, the generic as fuck hating a bad parent backstory even if he isn't angsty about it, how fast everything goes, the lack of description in general, and the massive shifts of tone.
The first thing that was bad enough to catch your eye was the terrible job I did at capitalization.
>>25791666
>>25791666
When you're scrolling through a story for quick glance, it pops out first, the back story and incorrect use of commas, how fast everything is going, and your lack of description isn't what's popping out first. People read a story from left to right, of course capitalization is going to pop out first, the rest comes afterward.
>>25791774
Ah, okay.
>>25791507
vamos
I like to write Applejack but I hate to use eye dialect. How should I go about killing myself?also all my writing is too long winded to serve greentext prose the way I see it executed around here. jealousy
>>25782183
>Writing Book for beginners:
Link is invalid. Got the title, by chance?
Bump
>>25793727
>How should I go about killing myself.
My trips say you must die of old age.
>>25793878
I don't, sorry. If someone else in this thread can find it, or a replacement, I'd happily switch it out.
>>25793727
Starvation.Or you could try writing regular prose instead of green.
After disappearing for three or so days, this thread looks like it's had new life pumped into it. Good to see.
I'll throw in a thing I wrote on a whim one late night, that was posted just before this thread went dark.
Original prompt, Twilight speaking:
>"ANON, FOR THE THIRD FUCKING TIME, YOU. CANNOT. MATE. WITH. US."
>"You've seen me from behind a million god damned times! WE. HAVE. NO. GENITALIA."
>"WE CAN'T MATE."
>"THERE IS NO FUN ALLOWED IN EQUESTRIA"
>"WE GO THROUGHOUT OUR DAY TO DAY LIVES DOING THREE THINGS"
>"1. BEING CONSTANTLY WATCHED."
>"YES, IT'S NOT SOME ACT. OUR DAY TO DAY LIVES ARE CONSTANTLY MONITORED BY MILLIONS OF PEOPLE."
>"2. BEING UNCONDITIONALLY HAPPY."
>"WE'RE STRIPPED OF ALL EMOTION BUT JOY IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE THAT WE DON'T DO ANYTHING "OBSCENE"
>"3. NEVER. DYING."
>"THAT'S RIGHT ANON. IT'S BEEN 5 PAINFUL YEARS. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ME AGE?"
>"DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE HELL YOU'VE JUST WILLINGLY STEPPED INTO?"
>"YOU WILL NEVER DIE. YOU WILL NEVER LOVE. YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE."
>"I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY ANON. BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? I. ALWAYS. AM."
OC:
>Living in, but still separate, of this world, Anon took to his quest the only way he knew how.
>He the ever-moment painted on their faces. Hollow eyes and cheery tones while they suffered constant joy.
>Pain and death he gave the ponies to break them of this curse.
>He never knew if we were watching, but judged death was a kinder fate than joy.
>Heirlooms stolen, life works set to ruin, Anon had his way.
>Homes razed and, for the cruellest kinds, decorations he of them did make.
>Every sin of human's plague saw the ponies lose all hope.
>From every bruise and harm he recovered, every jail escaped.
>Every guard left in a heap, or a worse fate for those not so weak.
>The skies had darkened, storms grew deep, the stars went out at night.
>With every plague he set upon, the ponies grew in might.
>While fillies wept in bed at night, so too did Anon cry.
>>25795100
>Himself no more, not human or man, the mirror told him lies, and yet he chose to be.
>They found their sparks of a revolting kind, the ones they lost so long ago.
>With bloody tears they found the strength of which they had never known.
>Anon's final day came at a docking bay.
>He torched the sails and fed chum most foul to the sharks he lured.
>His judgement came by thunderous crowds, the collected hatred, bearing torch and axe.
>The hand of God struck down upon him, in shape of many hooves.
>Their rage cast him by death's cold feet, and safe behind consciousness’ door.
>On smouldered gallows he stood, a gutting hook 'round his neck.
>One last look saw the lifelong hatred he had worked to sew.
>A restful smile when he was freed from the duties he upheld.
>Tears of sour honey, when he had seen his spring harvest so sweet.
>Nearly human, but all too far, they cast him off the docks.
>Their horrors over, the ponies soon returned to normal life, though not as they had known.
>Bitter strife and petty hatred swept through the land, a scar on pony hearts.
>Still one pony was absent that fateful day, she knew what had been done.
>Twilight alone cried for their prince, in his garb of thorned roses.
>And we no longer watched.
Unless something is painfully obvious, I'm not looking for critique; just want to help fatten the thread.
>>25793727
>also all my writing is too long winded to serve greentext prose the way I see it executed around here. jealousy
Chill. You can write however you want.
>>25795287
exactly
>>25782183
>Don’t be a dick or asshole when reading or critiquing.
Just where do you think you are? Ponychan?
>>25795287
I suppose so. I guess I'll go ahead and beef something out instead of dwelling on it.
>>25796559
We're at the guild, where we no how destructive it is for a writer's motivation if they are consistently thrashed on. Also how useless openly hostile critiqued are.
Hey, I was told to ask here for some feedback as this is my first greentext. So what do you guys think of it so far?
> 7am.
> The alarm rings.
“God damn it, just 5 more minutes.”
> You hit the snooze button on the alarm, and try to return to sweet sweet sleep.
> 5 minutes pass, and the alarm’s irritating ring sounds again.
“Fucking alarm...”
> It's the first day of school, and you debate as to find one reason why you shouldn’t just stay home.
> It quickly dawns upon you that you’re actually a bit excited for today, to your own surprise.
> Screw it, you’re getting up.
> In one, quick sudden motion you force yourself out of bed.
> Still questioning your decision, you head over to your closet.
> Most of your clothes are packaged in boxes, and so the only outfit you find l are some casual jeans and a hoodie.
> You take your sweet time to finish the rest of your lifeless morning routine.
> As you prepare to leave for school, you realize that something is missing...
> You snag your earbuds from the pale granite dinner table.
> You put them on, plug them into your phone, and you set your playlist to shuffle.
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaSZ2myWIGM
“Perfect”.
> Grabbing your keys on the way out, you make your way outside into the crisp September morning.
“It’ll be great”.
> Whatever little excitement you had has long been turned into anxiety.
> “The first day of school will go just fine,” you think to yourself as you sigh.
> You head through the endless maze of homes and streets to the bus stop.
> Two turns right, one turn left, five turns right, just like you practiced.
“Everything will be ok,” you tell yourself.
> After all, you can’t be the only new student this year, can you?
> You walk for a bit, pondering about this, and thinking of all the numerous ways this day could go.
> After a few songs end, you realize that you have absolutely no clue as to where you are.
> You're lost.
All I have so far, let me know what to change
Bumos
aldi
rape
>>25798039
So a common thing people will do is drop half of what can't even be considered an introduction, I'll say this now before saying anything about the story itself. It's really hard to help you with just the introduction, let alone a portion of one. We know nothing about the story and nothing about where it goes. Doesn't really work out well if you want actually helpful advice. Especially if your specific question is, what do I change? We wouldn't know because we don't know what to expect.
Grammar and structure~
>We don't proofread around here so I'll keep this short. Your writing seems just fine. I don't see any blaring grammatical errors and you do suffer from "You" syndrome. There are a few random errors but just re reading will help you find those. Make sure to read aloud if you're uncertain if you've gotten all the flaws. A good rule to follow is "If it doesn't sound correct when spoken then there is potentially a problem."
Music~
>Rule of thumb for any remotely serious story is to not put links in your stories. A good amount of people may just skip over it, but it still works to briefly break immersion. Especially if the music is being used to set the mood, because then they kind of lose out. The people who do follow the link lose immersion entirely, assuming the don't just m3 it and keep going. Buffering time, page loading, and even potential ads for those who don't use Adblock will counter act even those people though.
Pacing~
>It seems to be a bit off, specifically when Anon starts feeling anxious. You say his excitement faded a long time ago, but he just walked out the door excited. Makes it feel as if the reader just missed a few sentences or there was a sudden time skip. If anon was supposed to have actually gone somewhere, give some sort of induction. Saying that he started walking or a paragraph break would be two good ways to show it. If he didn't actually go anywhere then u reccomend rephrasing that sentence.Hope this helps!
YOU THERE!
Trixie wishes to know why you're not working on your stories! Trixie DEMANDS and explanation this instant!
>>25800930
B-Because I'm a faggot?
>>25800930
Well you see, Trixie, it's because reasons. Really good reasons. Like I'm not sure how to go about doing the thing I wanna do reasons. Getting hung up on small details reasons. Every fan fic I write, I wing it, I don't outline or anything.
Writing is hard, Trixie. Now stop bullying me.
>>25800930
It's the holidays!
>>25801030
I've never outlined a single piece I've written and all are generally well received. Of course they could probably do even better with more forethought, but it's not something that should keep you from writing entirely.
>>25802216
For me, I always have the perfect way to start a story, after which things just kinda fall out of place, I wouldn't know where to go from there and it's bad enough trying to keep the actual story fresh and not dipping into cliches
>>25803268
Cool!
So, does anyone have any pieces of "Writing theory" to share? Things that you follow as a rule, and think that make a story better, or possibly worse, just by being in there.
One of mine is to always start a story with a character doing something meaningful; moving towards some goal that they have a motive for. This should be established as quickly as possible, in the first paragraph, or even first lines of the story, if possible.
It doesn't have to be big at all, even if it's just: "John was returning from his fishing trip, which he was on to support his family, and now goes to see his elderly father."
I find stories that just have the character going about things with no clear reason to why makes me want to stop reading. I don't know where the story is going, or why they're there, I don't have a promise anything to look forward to, so unless the plot picks up quickly, it just bores me. It's not even slice of life, just "John goes to do this, then he does then, and then this..."
Others might disagree but I think that starting a story with an active character just makes it so much more readable, as we know it's moving forward to some clear point.
>>25803487
Actually you make a fair point though.
Horse shoes for sale; never worn.
>>25795111
Cool. I dig this very much.
>>25800930
But I am, you blue spaz.
>>25803487
A rule of mine is to always know more about the world of your story than you will ever, ever need or want to actually write about. It lets you add minor details wherever you want with the subtlety that can only come from knowing a subject inside and out, and such details make the world seem alive. Something as simple as a small descriptive phrase on a piece of the larger, more important picture can give the impression that the world is complete and alive, and exists outside the context of the plot.
Bumo
>>25804230
but there was no horse
>>25806054
Or the horse shoes were potentially the wrong size.
Is there a hard and fast set in stone history of the world the show takes place in or no?
Am debating writing one. If I did this it would start at the start of time and end at S1 epi-001.
>>25810031
Only what's seen in the show. Whether or not the comics are canon can be argued.
The only history I can think of is of the first hearth warming. Anything other than that is fair game, if I recall.
>>25810522
So I'm guessing that there isn't a hard and fast "first this happened, then this happened, then this pony lived, then that happened, then disaster-X happened" etc history like one would expect to find in a big book labeled "the history of pony-kind, Books 1-5: Antiquity to the Reign of Celestia I".
>>25810550
Not that I'm aware of. Many events like the life of Starswirl, or banishment of Tirek are never given a proper date.
>>25810588
The problem with my mission now is that I seldom watch the show. So events that ARE mentioned in the show I wouldn't know about.
>>25810650
Well, if you want to be entirely faithful to the show, it turns out there's quite a bit more than I was aware of:
http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Fictional_chronology
Of course you can always ignore the comics, fill in any blanks you see, or ignore it all at once, and have your own version of the history centered around key events, such as king sombra taking over, the unification of equestria, the rise of nightmare moon, etc.
Don't let yourself feel like you owe anyone anything in the way of historical accuracy, and don't limit yourself against going in a completely original direction.
>>25810736
I'm torn. I want to do this, but I don't want it to be so at odds with the "official" fanon/canon that it isn't accepted, yet I also don't want to do what I would usually find myself doing and watch every episode and then read 500,000,000 thousand pages of story and fanon before even starting.
So far what I have decided to do is start with the Collapse of the Alicorn Utopia & The birth of Stone Tools and Architecture at the Kingdom of Granite.
>>25810818
I think the best course of action is to write what you want to, not what others tell you to, or what you feel you should want to.
You aren't afraid of breaking the lore, you're afraid others will hate you for it. Not exactly "you" either, but the identity of a writefriend you're trying to build.
If you'll excuse the heavy philosophy, I find it all boils down to this: write because you want to reach out and touch the hearts of other people, not because you want to be remembered, because everything ends eventually, including the memories of you, and by clinging to the idea that your identity will endure only brings you suffering. The effects and ideas you give others will stay with them long after they've forgotten your name, so write for that, and not for fame or following.
>>25810907
"The historian's first duty is to truth." - attributed to Herodotus
It isn't that I'm overly concerned with what the canon says, frankly I don't care what it says, I'm going to make something I like either way, its just if I'm going to make this history, I'd prefer it be something that someone other than me can use.
I've seen the quests here and there on /pony/, my main goal is simply to give them a formal framework of time, so that QM's can say "okay its now year X, this is happening here, that is happening there, and Leader Y is living at this time" and then work from there.
>>25811013
Well then, it is up to you how in line you want to be with the main chronology of the universe.
Anyway, I'll be heading off now. Come find me in this thread again, later, if you want to. I'm curious and would like to see how it goes, but don't let me rush you.
>>25811065
I would like world-pivoting events that changed the way ponies everywhere lived to be part of my time line, but more generally its simply a history of the world starting paleo-stone age and ending with the inauguration of Celestia as Monarch.
I've leave the thread up. When I see you again I will show you what I have done.
Oh shit, bump!
>>25812239
I'm making this history I was speaking of earlier in the thread, at present.
I'm currently at year 10,092 before-show.
>>25812724
I see
HEY
EGGHEAD
What gives? When's the next chapter of your fan fic gonna be ready? I need my fix Anon!
>>25813844
Still proceeding with the history, now at year 6,438 before-show.
>>25814811
Ended for the night. Expect to finish at some point tomorrow.
Biggity bump and hump the pony rump
>>25811102
Just throwing in my two cents.
What you're doing with the history of Equestria is horribly risky, especially if you're just saying fuck the canon. You have to take some portion of the show into consideration, actually a lot of the show, if you're going to pull something like this. Breaking canon when writing history of a show or book is enough to change entire events from the show. Not only that, but you'll get that other person who knows the history and will look at your fictionalized history based off of head canon and wonder where and how you pulled out of this "random shit". I get why you're doing this, but don't ignore the canon for a project like this. Especially since this will result one massive head canon mess anyway.
>>25814467
No.
You.
>>25817594
A lot of what I've covered so far is so long ago that it doesn't have any affect on the show because its the sort of thing only an antiquarian would even know about, but thats fair. I try to use some canon, and I have put bits and pieces of the canon in the history.
The problem is I very seldom watch the show, and pausing everything to start at S1 EP1 and then reading 65,000,000,000,000 pages of fanon-canon like I normally would would seriously fuck with the creative flow.
>>25819249
Then don't do that. A lot of the world lore comes from the first two seasons. Just watch those and you'll be just fine, maybe throw in the third if you're feeling bold. You don't have to go through a bunch of fanfiction, which isn't canon in the first place, and every episode, which is a weekend for just the first three seasons (Video on YouTube that has every episode from said seasons in one if you want to binge like I did). Right now it sounds like you've never even watched an episode and frankly, I wouldn't rely on someone who hasn't watched a single episode trying to write a canon based history of Equestria.
>>25819304
I never said it would be canon, and I didn't mean to imply such. I simply said it would be a history.
I did use the bits and pieces that I was aware of, though.
Look!
A bump!
Hey, bumpin' that shit
>>25820771
only 3,999 more years of history to make.
>tfw people write that all greentext is shit...
only 2,999 years left.
>>25823679
that millennium went by quickly
>>25824604
A few events cover several hundred years of time, so it's not quite as long as all that.
>>25824604
History version 0.1
http://pastebin.com/BCY5U8tW
Note that this is -not- official canon, though I have attempted to work "elements" of the official canon "harmoniously" into it (thank you, thank you, I'm here until you exile me to tartarus).
To summarize; this is simply my attempt to create A coherent history of what happened. It is to some extent head-canon, but may be interesting to you anyway.
Also its version 0.1, later versions may be different.
Going somewhere now but will leave this thread up. Pastebin set to expire in a week.
>>25824921
almost forgot, "BS" stands for "before show".
Actually am going now. I may be back tonight, but its much more likely I'll be back tomorrow.
>>25824921
now that's interesting
I wrote a shitty little prompt which I'm not sure if I will ever expand on. I just need some critique on my writing style.
>Going to Equestria was definitely not like what you expected.
>You had hoped you would be seen as a new, interesting species and be welcomed into the nice, happy land of magical horses.
>What you had NOT expect was to be treated as some sort of exotic animal.
>Not only were you seen as atrophy pet, but you were seen as a trophy pet that could learn, talk, and more importantly, work.
>So right after the royal guard surrounded you and made sure you had no means of harming anyone, you were quite literally sent to the pound and locked up in a cage.
>It did not take long for the mean old bastard that ran the pound to realize you were worth lots of money.
>He sold you on the down low for a high price to a rich family in Manehatten, advertising you as intelligent, exotic, and hard working.
>Obviously, the rich assholes could not keep their mouths shut about you
>”Oh have you SEEN our new pet yet? I believe he told us his name was Alog O. Moose or something of the sorts.”
>“He’s more hard working and obedient than ANY of our other maids. Of course it took a few zaps with that nifty collar we bought for him. Oh he cost a FORTUNE.”
>”But he’s not the only thing that cost a fortune, have I showed you our new…?”
>It only took a couple of months for the rest of the rich community to start offering some money to the family, and it took them only a few weeks after that to sell you.
>Pretty soon you were being passed around like a joint at a Bob Marley concert.
>But as more and more ponies bought and sold you, the less you came to cost.
>After a while you were cheap enough to be sold to “the common pony,” as your previous owners would say.
>And so, you found yourself in Ponyville.
>Unfortunately, it was not in the way you had intended it to be.
>>25826667
>But as more and more ponies bought and sold you, the less you came to cost.
The laws of supply and demand don't work that way. The demand for Anon is consistent, almost rising, and the supply stays firmly at one. His price should be rising, not dropping dramatically. Why is he complacently following along like a slave anyway? What's forcing him to exist in a pound that was obviously created just for him, considering how exotic animals are in Equestria, and follow along like a slave?
I guess your writing style is fine but this is just 2000 characters at best. What you write now isn't reflective of what the entire story will be like. That said, your writing style is only a portion of what will get people to read. You can have a fantastic writing style, but a shitty plot, poor characters, horrid pacing yada yada yada. Focus more on that then your style, not to say ignore the style. Like now, your style is fine but you've given so little with not much hint of what could potentially happen that I can't stay interested. Try for 10,000 characters, establish where you're going with this, then come back. Better advice will be here for you.You can also finish the story. Far more help for you that way.
>>25829353
Alright, thanks mang
>>25793727
In my experience, writing for AJ can be as simple as saying that AJ is talking and every once in a while throwing in a country-ism or taking out the 'g' in a word that ends with 'ing'
ex: throwin', sayin', barkin'
Any more than that can be not only difficult to read but irritating to transliterate.
>>25788560
(Reworked).
>You are Anon.
>Opening your eyes, for what feels like the first time, you reach up instinctually to touch your pounding head.
>As you try to move, you realize your body is incredibly stiff and resists the motion.
>Upon scanning the room, you realize you are locked inside a holding cell.
>A conversion catchs your attention.
>Wait, no, an argument.
>"Why can't you get it through your thick skull that we should study this creature? He could prove to be a valuable asset," one voice booms.
>Definitely an argument.
>"I've seen his kind before, Doc," another voice chimes. "Believe me, the only thing special about them is their opposable thumbs."
>"Well General, did you ever think that understanding their anatomy more thoroughly could make advances in robotics?" Doc grumbles in retort. "It could even help create more realistic prothestics or we could discover something about humans that make them special."
>Two stallions emerage from down the hall, entering the room, and stopping right in front of your cell.
>One is draped in a white lab coat while the other dons a wide chestplate.
>Were they the ones talking?
>As soon as the thought occurs, you realize how idiotic that sounds.
>Unless you're dreaming. Then everything would make perfect sense.
>"So why did you make me bring you to it?" the General asks.
>"Just to get some preliminary observations," Doc responds. "I've never seen a human in the flesh. Books and documents can only tell you so much with so few having been recorded in Equestria."
>"What is your angle, Doc?" the General presses, turning to his peer.
>Doc turned in response, wearing a face of mock surprise, "Why, whatever do you mean?"
>"Your attempts to convince me to donate it to your department seem desperate at best," the intimidating stallion growls. "What is it you actually wish to do with... this speciman."
>Doc grins. "Isn't it obvious?"
>The General squints his eyes for a moment before responding, "Enlighten me."
1/5
>>25829632
>"Tell me," Doc begins, pacing towards the opposite side of the room. "If a human magically appeared in the sky and crashed on Equestrian soil, what would you think?"
>The General raises an eyebrow. "It's an anomoly. Every other human has just... appeared one day trying to interact with citizens, sometimes violently so."
>"Exactly, this is the first human we've recorded and had video footage of appearing in Equestria. Not to mention it's only been two years since the last human appeared. This is a huge outlier relative to our pretty consistent ten year average."
>"It's strange, but I fail to see your point."
>"I see it as being a possibility for an invasion of some sort. The previous humans could have been scouts or sleeper agents, planting themselves in society only to uproot it when we least expect it!"
>"Well, it's a possibility we've always considered," the General answers straight faced. "We've always monitored the humans that have entered Equestria. None have done anything without knowledge. None have disappeared spontaneously or exuded magic. We've even watched some until they've passed of old age. None of the humans have seemed militiant and I wouldn't invade a location I had no intelligence on. It'd be like sending your armies to the moon."
>Doc stops pacing and begins staring at the General. He sighs, "Looks like I really can't change your mind on this."
>Doc turns to face you and the General follows suit.
>"So what are you going to do with it?" Doc questions in an unusually calm voice.
>"We'll interview it, implant a chip, and sell it like the others."
>With that, the General turns and exits the room. Doc is quickly catchs up to him.
>"Your department could use some new uniforms," he snorts.
2/5
>>25829643
>After they leave, you are finally left with your thoughts.
>Surely a dream would have you in a more active role and not stuck in this cage.
>You can't even remember how you got here.
>The last thing you remember is sitting alone in the dark, dreading what the future had in store for you.
>You had then gone to bed to sleep it off and hopefully feel better in the morning.
>To your amazement, you're now here.
>Slowly, the vivid ice cold floor and smell of chemicals makes you believe you're not dreaming.
>Your migraine and body aches agree, this is very real.
>The sensation of two prongs pressing into your neck catch your attention.
>It feels like some sort of collar but the prongs scared you for a moment.
>There is a plastic box sitting right where the prongs are.
>A shock collar, perhaps?
>Besides the cold, hard floor, your holding cell has a bed and a toilet.
>The bed can't be any harder than the floor.
>Or any colder.
>When you try and stand up, you recoil suddenly, remembering your joints are extremely stiff.
>It felt as if you hadn't moved in weeks.
>You slowly ease your legs out in front of you, pulling back slightly each time you feel pain.
>Eventually, you manage to fight through the stiffness and your legs feel operatable.
>Time to try standing again.
"Using the bed would probably be a good idea," you tell yourself.
>As you rise, you stumble slightly but catch yourself on the bed.
"Good idea, me," you mumble.
>Huh, didn't know it would feel so nice to be standing again.
>Pacing around your cell, your body feels more flexible as you begin using your joints again.
>Glancing at the toilet again, you decide to relieve yourself.
>Amazing, even better than walking.
>Despite the fact you had just woken up, you feel exhausted.
>The bed stares at you longingly. You share the same look in return.
"Can't be any harder than the floor."
3/5
>>25829662
>Lying down, you can't help but wander in the realm of denial.
>This can't be real life can it?
>There are talking horses for fuck's sake.
>The sand man manages to find you though, even in this strange place.
>The sound of clanking startles you awake.
>The cell bars remind you this isn't a dream.
>Something else quickly grabs your attention.
>A pony with soft features standing outside of your cell, picks up a clipboard and begins writing something.
"Who are you?" you ask in a hoarse, tired voice. It's almost inaudible.
>Feeling embaressed to yourself, you clear your throat.
>She jumps slightly, bumping the cart and sending objects sliding across the surface.
>Once she regains her composure, she says, "Oh, you startled me."
"Who are you?" you repeat.
>"I'm just here to check your vitals, get some basic information, and double check you've made a full recovery," she replies, her attention returning to the clipboard.
"Full recovery from what?" you ask, perplexed.
>The other ponies said you fell from the sky. Surely that would have killed you so what really happened?
>"I'm not surprised you don't remember," she answers making a check on the clipboard. "You fell from the sky."
>You lean your head forward in disbelief.
"The sky?" you stammer.
>"W-well, more like a couple meters," she stutters. "But still, you had a concussion and a few cracked ribs."
>That sounded more reasonable.
"How long have I been here?"
>She tilts her head, thinking a moment before responding. "You've been in your cell a good sixteen hours. Equestria? More like sixteen days."
>So much time had passed and you hadn't even been a part of it.
>Who knows how long it was from your last memory to falling here in... Equestria.
4/5
>>25829677
>"I need to ask you some basic questions now," she says slowly, looking over her clipboard.
"Okay," you manage to spit out.
>"How old are you?"
"Twenty two."
>"What's the last thing you remember?"
>Considering suicide a pretty viable option.
"Staring at my computer screen."
>"Computer? What is a computer?" she asks, looking up from her clipboard.
"It's a machine," you begin slowly, unsure how to concisely describe it. "You use it to play games and talk to people who aren't nearby."
>She raises an eyebrow and begins writing on her clipboard.
>"What country did you live in?"
"The United States."
>She finishs writing on her clipboard, "That's everything we'll need for now."
>Really? She never asked your name.
>"I'm going to do a check up on you," she says approaching the door to your cell.
>Unlocking it, she steps inside, pulling the cart along with her.
>You stand up and begin walking towards her.
>She jumps again but quickly turns and holds out a radio device in front of her.
>All your muscles from your neck up to your jaw and down to your chest start seizing.
>You fall to your knees in pain.
>"There is no need to be irrational," she growls.
>The mare stabs something into the back of your neck.
>With your nerves shot, you can't identify the object.
>"Well, I was going to do this after the numbing shot, but may as well implant the chip now."
>It almost sounded like she thought she was being humane.
>Yeah, whatever makes you sleep better at night, bitch.
>She straps something to your arm and cuts off blood flow. Must be looking for your pulse.
>"Well that covers our checklist," she exclaims almost happily. "Time to give you your shot and get you sold." She sticks another shot into your neck.
>Sold?
>You heard it before but what that specifically entailed, you weren't sure.
>The shot's effect hits and you don't have time to figure it out before you're unconscious.
5/5
>>25829692
Feedback is appreciated.
I think I figured out the root problem to my previous version and while this one isn't perfect, I think it is actually written with the intent of it being second person POV.
>>25824921
Requesting your opinions.
Bumping for life
>>25829973
yo first time greens happening, just wanted to hear thoughts. Low priority since there's bigger stuff going on in the thread.
>>25830056
I could only get to about 10,000 BC before I stopped caring. Scrolled through the rest just to see how you dispersed your dates and it all looked fairly even throughout. A couples seemed to pop to me.
First, the time between making fire, making stone tools, and making stone tools all seems a little odd to me. I could go into to more depth if you'd like but it just feels off basically.
Second, I won't deny history happens constantly but between different ages, there is usually something big that happens which is extremely dense in history and then trickles out to smaller and less significant pieces.
Those two things are just from what I know and understand about history and sociology.
Mainly though, the fact that I lost interest is just because I'm not sure what this history's purpose is. History in fiction usually needs some ties to characters you know or care about. While there could have been a narrative hidden further in the history, it just didn't get touched on early on.
Really, writing history is an important tool for world building and could be extremely useful to an author if you follow up on it. Otherwise, I don't see the point personally.
>>25831489
The point of the history was so that QMs who want to do things in time periods other than the shows time period have a context to frame whatever they do in.
Thats its only purpose. You are certainly welcome to use it for world building if you want to and I wouldn't have posted it if I wasn't fine with that.
>>25831312
If you're linking us to green you're writing then it's all good. We'll check it real soon. If not, people come to us. We don't go to them.
I need to add more dimension to my writing. I catch myself repeating words and phrases. This is mostly writing in first person. It's not my strongest style. For reference, read the green text picture story in the pinkie thread. Also critique pls
>>25832881
...huh?
>>25832441
I'm linking to my own, I should've clarified.
>>25831157
yes
winter soon
>>25835439
GRRM pls
Just out of curiosity, are there any writefags you guys look up to or liked more than most others?
My personal favorite greenwriter has to be Buggernon and whomever did the "Phone Sex" thread.
Bumpy Johnson
I feel like I've done what I think is "directionless writing." Like, I brainstormed, drew myself a prompt, wrote a couple lines and after thinking about it I really don't see what I'm trying to convey at all.
I think that's a problem that's plagued a lot of my writing. What should I do about it?
>>25839421
try to focus on a story or a theme? see what kind of trajectory your characters are taking and formulate a scenario to play off that?
I hate the "greentext", no paragraph, stream of conciousness style of writing. I also dislike first person perspective but that's personal.
The way people write here is tedious to read and when there's two colours in play it's actually just ugly.
>>25841488
Why do you hate first person?
>>25841488
When I write greentext, I try to structure my posts like paragraphs. It helps keep a certain ebb and flow to things.
>>25841508
I can't maintain suspension of disbelief if the writing is constantly referring to me, the reader, when I have no agency in the story.
I don't mind the first person perspective being used in CYOA novels.
>>25841615
When you put it that way, that makes perfect sense.
Personally, I'm not a fan of first person either.
save rave
>>25842584
You rolled a 16 on your attempt to save the thread from deletion. Save vs Delete successful.
>>25840663
I see it now, I think. Thank you.
>>25842893
whew
>>25843975
>qm wiping his head with a D&D book.gif
Wew lad. Just wew.
>>25844088
haha
>>25824921
Requesting some input on how to make it generally better.
Should I make a world atlas of where every location actually is physically on a map?
>>25845431
I was just planning on scrolling up to the post you linked, actually. I'm taking a gander at this right now. Probably won't finish reading it tonight, but I'll definitely be able to give you my input tomorrow.
Making an atlas depends on what you're planning with all this information. If you're doing a large, around-the-world kind of adventure, you'll want a map to keep yourself straight with locations and distances and things. If not, if this is all just neat expanded universe stuff, then an atlas can still be fun if you want it, but not really necessary.
>>25832881
There are multiple green text pictures in that old thread. You wanna hit me with a pastebin or something?
>>25845836
it would be helpful
>>25845836
I saw quests on /pony/ and its for that. Basically its simply a coherent time frame for QMs to do things in if they want to do something in a time period before the show took place or want to do something somewhere the show doesn't depict.
It has some elements of the canon but it doesn't follow the canon of the show.
I'm actually going to sleep pretty soon but I'll leave the thread up, I'm interested in what you think.
flump
there's some spam going, good luck
>written a number of shorts for my own eyes
>never even bothered sharing anything but a passage once for criticism
>have never written a single pony story even though I've run through pony fantasies in my head
>even made up a pony character I've never bothered to put to words
The most I've ever creative written on /mlp/ is some 'witty' one liners.
How do people even get into writing here initially, do they just look at a vague prompt, and a little light bulb goes off in their head illuminating hundreds of characters of story?
Or do you have to look for the prompts with the plan to write a story already?
>>25848621
Everyone's different. I got into writefagging because I was bored. I created a thread about Anon inviting Twilight over for a drink. After a suggestion from a reader, it turned into the Hangover style adventure in Equestria. It's been about three years later, and now I've got a pastebin, 10 shitty stories, and I'm currently putting off a story in another thread. I don't save a lot of my writing. Most of my stuff is one-two posts of content that's forgotten by the next thread.
>>25848621
Start small.
Start shit.
Grow or perish.
>>25848769
Herman Melville's Moby Dick only sold 56 copies in his lifetime. Don't get discouraged.
>>25850585
really?
>>25851367
Yes, really. Like I said, don't get discouraged. Dante's inferno wasn't even published until 26 years after dante's death because the main manuscript was incomplete. His sons later found the rest in a hidden folder. He (dante) thought the passages might be considered heretical and didn't want to endanger his family.
>>25851447
pretty reasonable fear
Bamp
>>25850585
Just googled it
For fucks sake.
Oh, for all the sakes!
>>25853037
Was I correct? I read that in an old reader's digest.
>>25853248
Not true, but close enough.
>About 3,200 copies were sold during the author's life, earning him a little more than $1,200.
Wikipedia.
That's... shocking, to say the least.
>>25853248
I quite like Reader's Digest, always have. When I start working again, I'm gonna see about getting a subscription to it or something.
>>25853580
>shaggy smoking a cig
>a cig
>cig
>yablewit.jpg
You know he'd be smoking a blunt.
>>25853987
In my head, he's smoking a joint to get started, and Scooby is taking a hit from the blunt that's has a special strand called "Sleepyhead."
>>25850585
but moby dick was bad
>>25855272
I don't agree. I do think that some of the whale butchery scenes could have been left to the imagination though, and I can see why someone might not like it. Typee and omoo are definitely some of his better works that get overlooked.
>>25852952
Wamp
How do you guys improve when you write for various prompts and stuff? The people usually only say whether they like it or not, and it doesn't help as much.The last time I posted something here, I got enough feedback to get a lot better.[/spoiler[
>>25846822
I'm envious of your ability to come up with so many character and place names. Good names are hard for me to think of for some reason.
So, as a non-canon history, this is exhaustive enough that anyone interested in using it for their own work would not be left wanting. What I noticed, though, is there's not much in a way of a connective thread to this history. A lot of really big events seem to happen arbitrarily. Line 61, with Lapis' cursed crown. Line 87, where the Harmonium Gem just creates peace, and line 187, where Starswirl does the same. Line 283, where Celestia gets told of yet another ultimate evil just in time to do something about it. The time travel that is never addressed or explored outside of lines 89 and 116.
See, while certain events in history do come from seemingly arbitrary places, you shouldn't have so many world-changing events suddenly just happen. Even ignoring the incredible, terrifying power it would take to literally force a planet to live in peace, you have a lot of key events occur, not as clear responses to other things, but out of the blue. If such powerful magic exists in this world, why would characters use it only for one specific section of your timeline?
You do have a good amount of detail, though, and your consideration of all the other species was pretty well done. I didn't feel like this was a pony-centric world. I think it a little odd that you chose to reference the EqG world, but whatever. I think having Discord be the main troublemaker in the latter half is a bit much; I think that office should be spread more evenly amongst other characters.
It's a good start, though. There was more I was okay with than I wasn't, and it looks like you have the eye for detail it'll take to get this thing straightened out.
>>25857343
It is only version 0.1.
I plan to go back and fix it up a bit after I get enough input. I may add new events here and there but mostly at this point its just going to be about making them make sense.
Also I noticed the same thing that there needs to be a more even spread of trouble makers and neigh sayers.
I also plan to put an atlas in it too.
>>25857393
I know that. That's why I'm not too worried about all the stuff I said, 'cause you were planning on reworking it anyway. I'm curious to see that atlas.
>>25857589
What did you think about Tremendous Light, Unending Harmony, and Celestinius?
I sorta was seeing the universe as an interaction between the power of TL and UH and the power of Limitless Chaos and Unending Night.
There are 2 things that make the history make a bit more sense in regards to your comments.
Star Swirled was the most powerful magic user who ever lived. He is millions of times more powerful than celestia would ever even be capable of being. That is why he is able to use such a high power level. In my interpretation, I mean.
Also, I've left a lot unsaid so that the history can fit around a lot of different possible story arcs. I didn't want to make it to specific so that it effectively limits the number of QM storylines it can be used it.
>>25857640
Personally, I'm tired of the Zoroastrian universe origin stories, but that's me. I know the show doesn't leave much room to stray from that binary. However, as far as the whole "creator and destroyer" thing goes, this was fine. If you want the universe to be a serie of interactions between the ultimate powers, you might want to find a way to reference them a bit more, so that those characters are always somewhere in the back of the readers' head.
Why in the world is Starswirl millions of times more powerful than Celestia and Luna? To word it differently, why is Starswirl, some random magician who happened to be good at his craft, millions of times more powerful than the goddess who moves the sun? For one, that level of power is putting him into Mary Sue territory, and for two, if he's so powerful, why not just travel back in time, like Twilight does at one point, and just stop all the bad shit from happening before it happens? Why allow Discord to be born, or hoof and mouth disease to carve the population into fractions? Don't tell me he's trying to be some kind of caretaker for the universe, striving for harmony through a balance of good and bad, 'cause that's not the right job for him. That's the role for TL and UH, the actual creators, if anyone at all. Don't overpower your historical figures.
Leaving a lot unsaid is a good choice for this kind of thing, for exactly the reasons you state.
>>25857742
Thats fair. I may have to re-think his actual role in the universe, and his power level.
I'm not looking at my notes at this moment but I think I was originally picturing him as being someone like merlin. He basically invented systematized magic, outside of the few who use it before him. or something along those lines.
Point is he's insanely powerful. Like cosmic cube I can do literally anything powerful.
I need to figure more stuff out in this before I give any really definite answer, but these are hypothetical explanations that could work. of course I may do something totally different, and I don't plan on doing an encyclopedia of personalities and backgrounds until after I've done the atlas.
Speaking of the atlas, were there any specific locations you'd like to know more about?
>>25857832
I gotcha. You think about it, and I'll be here when you have it altered. No location is jumping out at me for what I'd like to know more about, but I'm curious as to what you're going to do with Tartarus. Is it an actual location in your map, or is it more of a metaphysical location, like hell?
>>25857918
No its a physical location that you can reach if you dig down far enough ala dwarf fortress's bedrock level.
You'd need to dig down farther than anypony has ever dug before to reach it, but its theoretically possible to reach simply by digging.
Its physical traits are that it is a desolate desert of rocky dust, glassy dust, and a variety of stones, with icy wind, black mist everywhere, throbbing dark red light that is dim shining in the background continuously, lakes of lava, liquid mercury, and brine water, and a perpetual slow-drip of water from the roof, since it is 1 really big cave. It is not actually infinite, just so gigantic it seems infinite.
>>25857983
Sounds cool, though it now makes me wonder what the geological implications are for the rest of the world.
>>25858046
I'm currently envisioning the world as being a succession of stacked dishes model.
Abump
This story is inspired by a random song I listened to on the radio.
>Ponies trot, well-covered in thick furs and coats; the populace heading to their homes before the night's freezing temperatures set in.
>It's the coldest winter in Canterlot's recent memory.
>Unfortunately for you, you're not one of them, and you're caught out in the cold.
>You shudder as the drumfire that you were occupying inevitably gave into the wind and blew out, sucking all the stored heat away almost instantly.
>Breathing in the cold air is like breathing in glass, and you feel the early symptoms of pneumonia begin to form, coughing into the sleeve of your soiled suit.
>A bitter draught of frigid air blows through the ally that you've made your home, causing another fit of shaking; a feint clattering of your teeth echo off the hard, brick edifices.
>Crawling into your personal manhole, the abandoned dumpster provides minimal warmth, nowhere near enough to be comfortable, but enough that you can sto shivering, and try to sleep.
>You came to Canterlot for a fresh start, to escape from the life in ponyville.
>A life that you ruined, by your own selfish means.
>From your view inside the makeshift dumpster, you can see Canterlot castle from here;
>Hearthswarming Eve is coming soon, so the castle is festive and especially beautiful this time of year.
>It's one of the few bright spots in your life, as you know it today.
>Wool socks cover your hands, but it does little to contain the heat - you breath hard into them and hold them close.
> Curling into a ball, you lay on the hard, rust-covered surface of the dumpster's base, the coughing not ceasing for longer than every minute or so.
>You're not going to last long, out here, and you know it.
>>25859607
>You barely survived last Hearthswarming eve because of that nice filly who gave you some of her house's canned goods.
>Unfortunately, her family wasn't so thrilled with her generosity. Not to mention you doubt that they'd want her out in the cold, even now.
>Left to your own devices, you'd be better off dead.
>At the very least, you wouldn't have to deal with this pit in your stomach; the consant state of regret.
>As your mind begins tapping into your memories, your shuddering begins to stop.
>The darkness is embellished, as your eyes close, and your body becomes numb.
>"Run for it!"
>Suddenly, your scenery changes drastically - the cold darkness of the dumpster is replaced by a warm, sunny afternoon. You're running, you're almost always running, though the memory escapes you.
>The tall grass that leads into the orchards, running away from them as a plague of angry honeybees pursue you and... someone?
>You can only see the blur of a golden coat, to your left; unable to make it out, you folow.
>The hard-packed soil at your feet, and avoiding the apple tress, you and your companion split up, with you leaping into the creek that split between the two parts of the orchard.
>The ticklish feeling of water sinking into your nostrils, shuddering. You hate that.
>After a few good minutes of waiting, with occasional breath-takes in between, you finally crawl out onto the other side.
>Drip-drying in the summer breeze, your lungs fill with the fresh air.
>Walking down the path, you come across the old dirt road that leads back to the ranch; continuing along the road fills you with bittersweet nostalgia.
>Coming across hay that's just been mowed, your nostrils are filled with the sticky smell of grassy dew.
>The barn was close, closer than you've felt in years.
>You're almost home.
This is all I have, at the moment.
How is it?C-c-continue?
>>25859451
I want to__stroke__that horse
One singular Bump
>>25862592
Just one?
>>25860565
Angel ain't having this shit
>>25859607
>>25859613
Sure, go ahead.
>You wake up in Equestria.
>Fluttershy finds you.
>"Would you like a ride to the nearest town?"
"Yes, that would be helpful."
>You climb onto her back, and as an asexual person, it doesn't arouse you at all.
>Fluttershy goes to Ponyville with you on her back.
>You get off at Ponyville.
>You become a shop owner.
>Your business does well forever
>The End
>>25865378
truly a shocking twist
>>25866263
I'm glad you enjoyed my first greentext!
>>25859613
Is the story complete, or are you writing this as you go? If the latter, it'd be better for you to finish it first, and then post the whole thing.
I can't say much about how it is, because it's hardly started. Your mechanics seem okay, though, minus your lowercase spelling of "Dumpster." That name is trademark.
>>25863669
Here's another. Don't get too crazy with it now.
>>25868897
this is the happiest christmas
>>25869765
Here's a Third. Considering the holidays, it's appropriate
Bam!
>10
Merry christmas and a happy new year!
I know you guys don't like incomplete stories, but I need a little direction. I feel like what I've written is a complete mess. Mind if I post the pastebin? So far, it's like 30 posts.
>>25872619
Post it, faggot.
>>25872619
Incomplete stories are fine if you're starting it out can could use some feedback about direction. In light of that...
SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT
>>25873503
this
efciu66m
>>25873413
>>25873503
Here. Please be critical. I've got an audience, and I want to give them my best
http://pastebin.com/LCmpT5bw
>>25876263
Hey, cool. If you don't mind waiting, I can give you a critique on this. Next Wednesday, I think.
>>25877173
History-anon here. I'm working on annotations. I will be posting that version in this thread or another writefag's-guild thread, but this may not be tonight.
>>25877266
Awesome. I won't be around for much longer tonight, and probably not at all until Monday. I'll check in when I can, though.
>>25877173
Sure thing. Also, I don't know if you remember, but I'm the guy who dropped the hobo Twi story not too long ago. I really tried working on the pacing and characterization this time around. I'm hoping I didn't go too far in the other direction and make it drag on forever, so tell me how I did in that regard.
Merry Christmas!
It's been 1 year since this thread started.
Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Writefag Guild!
>>25878716
amazing - merry christmas!
>>25878716
Happy birthday, and merry merry christmas!
>>25878716
Has it seriously been that long?
Merry Christmas!
>>25881201
Yes it has! Writefag Guild, formally known as "So You Wanna Be A Writefag" first thread was posted on Christmas Eve/Christmas day depending on the timezone.
We made it!
Anon! Hey Anon!
Word on the street is you're working on a new story.
I loved the last one. Any chance I could get a hint what you got planned next?
Come on, please? For a friend?
>>25886887
Anon told me it's about rocks. I like Anon.
thank you for this, little guy, and now i shall post ALL THE STORIES
After months of procrastination, I've finally finished part one of a three part story.
If the reviewer remembers a story about an earth pony entering a pie contest only to end up riding a rocket to a solar eclipse, I've done what was criticized and expanded and edited the hell out of it. Also it's extremely long and I think I'll just post the pastebin in the next hour.
>>25889395
http://pastebin.com/kCXU8HCd
here's the link. If any kind anon can read and review, it would be greatly appreciated
>>25889612
>>25889395
Oh wow, an exact hour of my post. I was not expecting that
Can I bump this christmas >10?
>breddy gud writing in spanish
>200% ready to start writing
>still need a decent prompt
GOD
FUCKING
DAMMIT
Here's a segment of something I posted in another thread. Go ahead and rate it:
>"Oh Anooon," You heard Twilight sing as the echoes of her hoof-steps drew ever nearer, "I've got something to show you!"
>You lowered your newspaper down to your chest and peeked your head behind the smooth crystal chair, in which you were seated, in order to face her.
>"You're giving me my Hearth's Warming present ALREADY?" You asked with a look of complete bewilderment on your face, "And here I thought I had Equestrian customs nailed."
>Raising a hoof to her mouth, Twilight chuckled before letting her mouth return to a smile as warm as the crackling fire that lit up the wall in front of you.
> "No, silly." she said endearingly.
>Mentally, you sighed with relief; It was good to see that her tendency for over-planning didn't make her forget parts of her schedule- Having experienced it once, you knew that a Twilight under that kind of pressure was one who would make all of Tartarus require a change of underwear.
>It was then that a faint red blush smeared itself across Twilight's face.
> "It's just that...well, since it's almost been a whole year since you came to Ponyville- since you came to me- I thought that you might be missing some of the things you left behind in the human world."
>The blushing intensified; so much so that Twilight could barely look you in the eye.
>"So I brought you this." added Twilight as she lifted something out of her saddle bag with her magic. "W-what do you think?"
>It took a moment for you to recognise what was floating in front of you, but once you did, your eyes widened in disbelief.
>There, hovering in plain sight and trapped within a magnolia aura, was a mistletoe- An honest to God, two-leaved, sincerely presented mistletoe.
>You knew exactly where this was going, the dozens of times Twilight scolded both you and Spike for forgetting an item or two while getting groceries might suggest otherwise, but you weren't an idiot.
>>25890550
Fuck the prompts. Try writing a story on your own. Your own idea for a story, I'm sure you've got a few.
>10
But I have to sleep.
Take this dute from me for now.
>>25891760
This.
I need help.
I'm basically Hemingway. I can't write (decently) sober. I mean, it's not bad, but the details and life really come out when I'm buzzed. And I'm a light weight so I only have a small golden window.
How do I break this.I mean, it's mostly when I'm under the influence of anything, but I can't really do drugs anymore
>>25895442
Serious answer, masturbation is a nice alternative to booze. The orgasm will give you clarity to write for about thirty minutes or so. In that time, you'll have your writing mojo going on until your fingers tire. Just don't side line a lot or you'll lose your focus again.
>>25895740
Well fuck. I'm 25. It takes some time to recharge now
I'll try it though
>>25895808
ganbatte
>>25889613
amazing
>>25893205
Good night.
bump
>>25899256
Thank you.
Good afternoon!
how do you guys motivate yourself back into writing? It's been WEEKS since I last opened Word. I have the burning desire to write but yet I just can't do it.
>>25901140
>word
Is that what everyone uses?
If you have a burning desire, what is stopping you? Usually I use put on some music and force myself to write a few sentences, and this is enough to get it flowing and I end up not stopping until I'm done. Barring that, I look for prompt threads and write troll responses to warm up.
How do you guys write characters you're not comfortable writing? How do you get better at that character?
>>25901140
I can't motivate myself. I just make myself do it
>>25901140
Do you have any writing rituals? Or drink a preferred beverage before you start? How about music?
What I've found is that writing a story is mentally taxing, it would be best to use anything to keep yourself focused.
Including cocaine, that said I don't advocate illegal drug use. But B-12 vitamins, caffeine does the trick for me.
>>25902772
I fap.
>>25903518
That helps too.
>>25902772
Well, I drink Earl Grey tea if I feel up for it, and if I have something going and I can't rest, it's an endless flow of monster. More or less, come up with a scene or plotline in your head, and try and find music that'd match. Like TV shows or Movies, for example. It's really a matter of taste, and settings that have to blend effectively.
That said, wanna keep focused? Don't stop thinking about the story. Going to bed? Dream up the next scene, work out plots, get the lines straightened up.
I myself, a namefag and tripfag, write while I have some media, some drinks, and my mind cleared. When it comes to my day, the moment my mother or room mate bugs me, I lose my shit and have to re-read the whole damn story. But never let it slip from your mind. Keep little hints of it in back of your head if you work.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna look through some threads for Decent prompts so I can engineer some more stories.
>>25903625
earl grey is good if it's good tea
>>25878359
Will do. I'm gonna start reading it today.
>>25889395
I remember that story well. I'm already on a story right now, but I'd be happy to look at yours afterwards.
>>25891255
Cloyingly sweet/10. Twilight is so waifu-ish, I feel almost voyeuristic reading this. A lot of folks really like this stuff, though, so I think you could get a lot of compliments if you find the right thread to drop it in. If you post the full thing, you can get a more in-depth critique about it, if you want.
