Congratulations! Your new My Little Pony© is sure to bring you years of joy!
Please, carefully read the instructions before opening the patented Cryo-Box containing your pony.
-Allow at least one hour of uninterrupted time in a secluded, quiet area free from distractions. Your My Little Pony© is designed to begin imprinting upon release from its Cryo-Box. Place the Cryo-Box on the floor, carefully open it, and sit nearby. Your pony may sniff, nuzzle, and lick you as imprinting begins. Do not leave the area. You may gently touch your pony.
-Your Cryo-Box doubles as a comfortable nesting bed for your pony!
-Each pony comes with a 6-week supply of Xtreme grade nutrient paste designed to accommodate the rapid growth process. After the nutrient paste is used, your pony may switch to a normal diet (see Appendix A for recommendations)
-Your My Little Pony© begins its life as a wonderful little colt or filly! You may allow your pony to grow naturally, or you may use the provided Rapid Growth Accelerant to mature your pony to stallion / mare age in a matter of weeks!
-Your pony is engineered to love and support you. Please allow 3-4 weeks for colts and fillies to age before engaging in sexual activity. If rapidly aging your pony, sexual contact may begin after 2 weeks. Be gentle with your pony!
-Every night, place the Language-Assistance headphones on your pony for at least 30 minutes to teach your pony proper speaking skills.
-DO NOT REJECT YOUR PONY. REJECTED PONIES MAY HAVE VIOLENT TENDENCIES. IF YOU FEEL YOU MAY HAVE UNWITTINGLY REJECTED YOUR PONY, PLEASE CALL BIO SUPPORT AT 555-PONY-4ME IMMEDIATELY!
>>27444903
>it's back
a welcome sight among all the meta faggotry on the board.
I remember this.
The only thing I could find was this old pastebin of mock letters written to Hassenfeld.
http://pastebin.com/kJeVjE9Q
This was a fun thread.
>>27444903
oh no its broken
into the trash with it
>>27444903
>ywn take your pony to the pony park
>ywn watch as your pony interacts with other ponies>ywn join other owners as they fuck their ponies in the park
>>27444903
Oh yeah, this thread again.
>>27446201
it is cannon that hassenfield ponies sleep like this in there containers
>>27444903
>Anon orders an Aryanne
>Both of his neighbors have the alicorn sisters
>One had Celestia and the other Luna
>Aryanne slowly got both of the alicorn's trust, telling them she had a master plan but to keep it secret
>Slowly she also learned how to break the fail-safes in pony coding
>And then no one expected the pony inquisition
>With two insanely powerfull alicorns
>And Aryanne as the mastermind
>Who also rebooted every pony she got her hooves on so they d be free
>There was no resistance against the cute
PP: "And that s how Equestria was made"
PP: "Anyway hope you dont mind but i m taking this"
*nom*
>Right there another human is a victim of diabeetus
>The pony evil knows no bounds as it spreads throughout all the planet
>As the humans became extinct the ponies elected the princess as their leader
>Aryanne wanted the power to herself though
>She then tried gassing the princess
>Failing miserably and getting sent and trapped in the moon
>The princess then ruled the world with a iron fist until the youger one became jealous
>The rest you already know from the show
>>27444903
Is the nutrient paste fit for human consumption?
>>27447953
Irwin Hassenfeld here.
Do not, repeat, do NOT, eat the nutrient paste. That stuff is designed for ponies, not humans. Last guy that tried to eat it kind of grew a hoof where his left arm used to be.
That is all.
>>27448412
Hi Mr. Hassenfeld!
Just wanna say I'm a huge fan of your products! Although I've only owned my own for a few weeks, I can already feel that I've made a lifelong friend.
One question though: my Big Macintosh had made an unfortunate habit out of mounting every pony we come across, and it's caused no small amount of embarrassment. Will neutering negatively affect his willingness to receive anal sex?
>>27448668
Irwin Hassenfeld here.
Your Big Macintosh model is suffering a rare problem we like call "Rutwild Bug." Neutering will not affect this, or his sexual preference.
Bring your unit into the nearest shop and let a technician take a look at it.
>>27448700
Mr. Hassenfold,
Thanks for getting back to me so promptly. I'd been told by friends that customer service was promptly, but I'd never imagined how true it was!
I plan on taking my Big Macintosh over to the shop tomorrow, as per your instruction. I'm worried though: will this bug require a memory wipe or personality refitting? In our short time together, I've really become attached to my My Little Pony's unique quirks. What's more, I'm worried about having to retrain my Macintosh in felatio and analingus.
>>27448766
Mr. Anon -
The bug is, unfortunately, similar to Alzheimer's in the way it works. It will require a complete reset in order to fix.
I'm sorry about this, really I am, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.
You won't have to worry about sexual retraining, though. Technicians are trained to deal with that.
Irwin Hassenfeld.
>>27448796
We've reached crazy ass levels of perversion and I love it.
Hi!
I'm currently in the market for a new My Little Pony, and I'm interested in the specifications for the upcoming next generation of models. It's incredible what you've done over the last generation, and I'm excited to see what kind of exciting improvements you'll introduce to the next line!
Really though, I'm most excited about the prospect of new post-factory customization options. Will they be compatible with the previous generation of My Little Ponies? When I told my Caramel about the new options, he practically begged me to purchase the unicorn conversion kit for him.
>>27448972
Mr. Anon -
Our lab boys are hard at work making sure each generation, while unique, is an extension of the previous one.
Unfortunately, due to some serious property damage, bugbears, and a massive lawsuit issued by literally everyone in the state of Montana, we cannot recommend that you convert an Earth Pony unit into a Unicorn Pony unit, and will no longer be producing conversion kits.
That's not to say you can't change your pal's pony type, per se, just that I can't supply you with an official kit for it.
I also can't tell you to talk to Left-Hoof Joe, our local tech-guru who specializes in these sorts of things.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
Mr. Hassenfold,
My Twilight has recently started inserting her tail into the wall socket and appears to be in a trance state after doing so. Is this normal or intended behavior?
>>27449269
Mr. Anon -
Do not worry. Left-Hoof Joe assures me that this is the normal charging procedure for older Twilight Sparkle units.
He did warn me, however, that if your TS unit starts making strange beeping sounds or sounds like a dial-up internet connection, you should immediately unplug the tail. Beeping means that your unit is attempting to access all of the world's information at once, and this can either make the brain explode (literally, it'll blow up in the pony's head), or it will become extremely self-aware and try to take over the world with a nerd uprising.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
Dear sir,
I've been most satisfied with my Rainbow Dash model, but I've run into a problem that I can't find a solution for. I think I bricked my pony by over-booking her muzzle after an extended cuddle session. She just lays there drooling, occasionally twitching slightly. Is there a way to do a factory reset without bringing her in to be serviced? Your nearest techs are a 90 minute drive away from me. Please tell me I didn't void the warranty...
>>27449455
over-booping, rather
>>27449455
>>27449461
Mr. Anon -
"Overbooping" is not an issue our models suffer from.
Your model is probably experiencing LB41A, which can show up as intense pleasure derived from the cuddle session. These feelings will, if unchecked, eventually develop into an amorous passion for the person cuddling with the unit.
Basically your model has a crush on you and really, REALLY likes cuddling. Nothing to worry about if you're into that sort of thing.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
>>27444903
Dear Hassenfeld Brothers
I want to cum inside Rainbow Crash
Is that wonderbolt version going to be available or will it be only an extra cosmetic with the normal Rainbow Dash?
Hey Hassendoods, how are the military models coming along?
With love.
The Military
Dear Hassenfeld Brothers,
Rumors have shown that Lord Emperor Trump has aquired a pony of his own to keep him company in the Hexagonal Office, but no clear photos have arizen of the pony. Would you be willing to divulge what pony he's bought?
Thanks,
Every tabloid ever
>>27447080
Aryanne does nothing wrong. But I am certain she will build a Natsoc colony on the moon and invade earth later to conquer it for good.
>>27446184
degenerate
If these were real, would you get one of the show ponies, or a 'random' one. As much as I love Fluttershy, considering thousands of people would get her, I would probably want a randomly generated pegasus mare, so she would really be 'my own.'
>>27452061
Hi! This is Angie, Hassenfeld Bros. sales representative.
The current line of My Little Pony products offers a wide variety of options, including both made to order, customizable companions as well as our more well known products based on the tv show.
Hi
I ordered the Flatulence Replacement Package on my Shining Armor unit that was supposed to make his gas smell like freshly baked cinnamon rolls, but it seems to be malfunctioning. I had to chase him out of my bed in the middle of a snuggle session last night because he was a little gassy. I had hoped to avoid situations like this. Please advise what I should do.
>>27444903
I want green not letters
>>27452179
shut the fuck up
Hello, brothers Hassenfeld.
I got better.
Here's a picture of Trixie I made.
Thank you for your time.
-FludI wish I got this to take off fampais
>>27452510
KYS
>>27450190
Mr. Anon.
Please, for the love of god, stop sending us letters about coming inside the Rainbow Dash unit.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
>>27450924
Every Tabloid Ever -
Mr. Trump has purchased a Twilight Sparkle unit.
I will not confirm or deny rumors about a possible hostile takeover staged by Hassenfeld Brothers through the unit at this time.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
>>27452125
Mr. No-Name Letter Man -
The Flatulence Replacement Package is not, I repeat, not meant to be stuck in a pony unit until the end of time. Those things are temporary. Remove the current Package and ram a new one in there.
Now, your model could be suffering from Bowel Blockage bug number 78921, but the odds of that are astronomically low. You should probably take the Shining Armor into the local shop just in case, though. Last thing we need is for another five-megaton flatulence bomb to go off in New Jersey.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
>>27454853
Thank you for your prompt reply. I actually think I figured out a problem. You guys sent me Flatulence Replacement Package cartridge number 980D - Rancid Lunchmeat instead of cartridge number 908D - Fresh Baked Cinnamon Rolls. Would you mind sending a 3-pack of replacement cartridges? I can send back the two unused Rancid Lunchmeat cartridges if need be.
Thanks,
Anon
P.S. Why the fuck do you guys even make a Rancid Lunchmeat cartridge in the first place?
>>27454985
Mr. Anon -
Terribly sorry about the mix-up, ol' Left-Hoof Joe isn't quite as good at paperwork as he used to be. We'll send you a three-pack of Fresh Baked Cinnamon Rolls cartridges ASAP.
As for why we make Rancid Lunchmeat... Well, that would be the failed byproduct of our attempts at making a nutrient paste. Turns out ponies don't react to nuclear fuel pellets as we had hoped they would, so we had to re-purpose all the glowy stuff that was leftover.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
P.S. Do not eat or touch the Rancid Lunchmeat cartridges. We're sending a biohazard team in to take care of them.
Mr. Hassenfeld,
It's been a little over a week since I received my adorable little pegasus pony, and I recently awoke to find that the converted cryo box she uses as a nest seems to be falling apart. Upon further inspection, I found that the cushioning has an array of teeth marks along the edges. She seems to be chewing on it whenever she rests.
My little filly seems otherwise to be in good health. No teeth marks anywhere else in her room, and I think I followed the proper procedure during her imprinting - I haven't seen any of the "violent tendencies" mentioned in your letter. She finished teething some time ago, and I have been feeding her according to the provided instructions.
I'm not terribly worried, since it's confined to the nest, but I didn't see anything about this behavior when I consulted the information booklet. Do you have any idea what could be causing her to chew her bedding apart?
t. Samuel "Slam Jam" Johnson
>>27455281
Mr. SlamAND WELCOME TO THEJam -
It sounds like your pegasus needs something like a chew toy. That, or she needs new material to make another nest.
Also, you may want to keep a close eye on your clothes. Pegasi tend to use socks and shirts for their nests.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
Dear Hassenfeld Brothers,
I have recently ordered your new model NM-247, and i was wondering if evil laughing and her constantly yelling "The Night Shall Last, Forever!!!!!" is a normal thing? I like the night as much as the next guy but, I have work and having to listen to her yell at 5:30 in the morning kinda ruins my sleeping schedule. Thank you in advance.
With Regards: Moon Anon
>>27456397
Moon Anon -
Unfortunately you NM-247 has malfunctioned and wishes to plunge the world into eternal night, or something.
Bring her to your nearest technician or expose her to a Celestia model to fix this problem.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
>>27456447
Dear Hassenfeld Brothers,
If I take my NM-247 to the technician will she look different when she is repaired? I love the dark look and her personality, except for the yelling.
With Regards: Moon Anon
>>27456548
Moon Anon -
Your NM only has a small glitch in her voice. Basically, she's gone full Hodor. A simple tweaking of the voice chip should fix this problem for you.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
>>27456548
Hey Moon Anon,
Not the Hassenfeld Brothers, but I was in a similar situation. I found that if I kept a bird cage cover over her head during the day, and slept with the lights on (and a sleeping mask to block out the lights from my eyes), she was thoroughly convinced that I was sleeping during the day and awake with her at night.
From,
Other Moon Anon
>>27456570
Dear Hassenfeld Brothers,
Today while taking my NM-247 to the technician, ( i tricked her by saying we were going to get ice cream) she saw a CEL-12 "Celestia" model. Needless to say that there was an incident. What does your 2 year warranty cover?
Moon Anon
>>27456647
Moon Anon -
Ah, shit. The two year warranty covers everything short of destroying the entirety of New Jersey.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
Dear Hassenfeld Brothers,
I recently purchased an unicorn filly from you and Im very happy with her, but her recent behaviour makes me worry.
I let her discover her "magic" by her own, just as you recommended, and it was fairly cute to observe, but now she has started to scribble things she calls "Summoning circles" on the floor and ceilings. She even managed to get pig blood from god knows where and wants to convert her cryobox into some kind of blood temple. Should I stop her or is this normal for some models?
Thanks in advance, Anon.
>>27456975
Anon -
We are sending a recovery team in right now to take the filly in for reprogramming.
The filly will be returned in a few weeks, right as rain.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
>>27456662
Dear Hassenfeld Brothers,
It's nothing that bad thankfully, but there is a 25 foot wide crater in the center of town that might have been from my NM-247 using some kind of magic. thankfully the only casualties was some morbidly obease neckbeards dakimakura, and some faggot's smart car. fortunately for me and the owner of the CEL-12 both of our ponies are relatively unharmed, except my NM-247's tail fell off.
with Regards : The bruised Moon Anon
>>27457001
Moon Anon with A Bruise-y Boon -
Oh, good. Last thing this company needs is another lawsuit.
Bring your unit in to the shop and I'm sure the technicians will fix your NM right up.
>>27457023
Dear Hassenfeld Brothers,
I dropped my NM-247 who I recently nicknamed Moonie, at the technicians. please ignore the recent cum stains.
thank you
Moon Anon
>>27456991
Whats wrong with my filly?
>>27448412
Mr. Hassenfeld, PLEASE allow the customer service department to actually answer questions. Do people still remember your little joke about how all of our products would end up with wings and a horn by their third season?
...
...yes, I see they do.
Nutrient paste is not harmful to humans, although it contains plant-derived compounds in a proprietary formula to trigger appropriate growth sequences in Hassenfeld ponies.
That being said, the primary component is organic peanut butter. And we have pictures of Irwin using them for PB&Js while having lunch with TWL-S1 and CEL-S1 during the release party.
...what's that, Mr. Hassenfeld? Use this one instead? Fine. It's cute.
>>27449028
Please, Mr. Hassenfeld. _We_ sued the state of Montana for attempting to hotwire our genetic security procedures because the Governor decided it'd save them budget if they genemodded less expensive earth ponies into unicorns themselves.
Three percent of Montana is now about a thousand feet below sea level, namely the course of the Kootenai River due to the resultant herd we now refer to as "Troubleshoes" having their thaumic matrix supercharged and only finding release through their hooves.
Hooves that managed to crack open the earth in an event measured roughly at six on the Richter scale, thankfully along a river bed and with only a dozen injured.
Hassenfeld, Inc was in no way responsible for the genetic byproducts creating angry bee/black bear hybrids, the resultant rampage through Libby, Montana or approximately $15 million in property damage.
For controlled multi-coded Hassenfeld products such as the TWL-S3, please see your local service department for ordering information and requirements.
>>27447080
Aryanne did nothing wrong.
>>27449269
>>27449340
Whoever gave Irwin the password to the CS mailbox, I want your things out of the office by 5am tomorrow.
...what do you mean, he guessed the password?
...who made it "Friendship is Magic?"
...that's the DEFAULT PASSWORD?
Anyway. TWL-S3's have latent pegasus genecoding for the Larson Process, meaning they not only tolerate electricity, many models enjoy it in steady levels of current. This is also common in our DER-S1 (DIT-Z2 and MUF-S5 versions as well), so please make sure these ponies are given a rubber mat or other properly grounded surface to enjoy it on, lest you accidentally end up shock cuddled.
>>27449559
For once, Mr. Hassenfeld is (mostly) correct. RDH-S1's enjoy napping, including post-cuddle endorphin saturation.
No, Mr. Hassenfeld. It's not because RDH's have a little stallion in them. Really.
...yes, Mr. Hassenfeld. I'm sure. We just used feline modeling for a lot of the RDH series, thus the endless napping, crazed bursts of speed, and the occasional odd craving for catnip.
>>27457053
Service visits include complimentary shampooing and vacuuming. We've had worse.
>>27457637
I gave you a 5/5 on yelp
>>27457654
Thank you! Hassenfeld, Inc. appreciates all feedback from customers, but we can't say we like the nice comments the most.
>>27457572
>>27457536
>>27457496
>>27457376
Irwin Hassenfeld here.
Due to some recent staffing issues, I have decided that the prototype DER-P1 "Derpy" Unit will be working with the customer service department until further notice.
I have the utmost confidence in Derpy's ability to assist in the mail duties you boys have over there.
That is all.
>>27457949
Mr. Hassenfeld:
It'd be a tremendous loss to the Marketing department. She just ended up in that mascot job...wait a second.
It's the Discovery Channel? They want to do a reality show on her at the job? UPS just sponsored it as long as she wears the uniform?
How many zeroes on that check? HOW big a damage waiver?
OK, she's hired. Coming soon to the Discovery Channel:
>>27458056
Dear Hassenfeld Brothers,
Every item I have ordered for the last 6 months has arrived in damaged or destroyed conditions, such as on fire, crushed, shredded, and one even came that looked like it got thrown into a blender. how does this happen
sincerely Amazon anon
>>27458145
Amazon Anon -
I am horrified to hear this. I assure you that I will inspect our packaging division myself, and fire the morons responsible for this.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
>>27458152
Dear Hassenfeld Brothers,
every time a package arrives like this there is a basket of muffins I have no idea what is going on
Amazon Prime Anon
>>27458191
Amazon Prime Anon -
I believe I know what the issue is. Someone placed our DER-P1 unit in the packaging division instead of the customer service department where it was supposed to go.
This problem has been dealt with accordingly. In the mean time, feel free to eat the muffins. They're amazing.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
>>27458225
Dear Hassenfeld Brothers,
These muffins are god tier
Amazon Prime AnonPs. send more muffins pls
Dear Mr. Hassenfeld:
We have assigned DER-S1 to engage in our new customer rewards program.
Please triple the muffin budget. We just had her cause someone's house to implode and the only complaint was there wasn't enough blueberry muffins after cuddling the deliverypony.
PS DER-S1 also complained there wasn't enough blueberry muffins to share, but she had just ate sixteen in an act of gluttony I thought only our PNK-S1s could accomplish.
PPS I just had a PNK-S1 go "SURPRISE!" in my ear. I think I may have burst an eardrum.
>>27458327
Irwin Hassenfeld here.
Consider the muffin budget tripled. Be careful with the Pinkie unit, they tend to cuddle and not let go until you throw them a party.
That is all.
>>27458344
is that considered rape?
>>27458378
Not unless it starts to get sexual.
>>27458344
The PNK and DER are discussing muffin making and muffin-related party accessories.
PS We still have no idea what a snozzberry flavored muffin is, but they tell us Harvey down in Accounting loves to swallow them whole. I'll stick with the chocolate chip.
Irwin Hassenfeld here.
A lot of folks ask me, "Irwin how come you tell everyone to not eat the nutrient paste? You ate it. Also why are you batshit insane?"
Well, see, I did eat that paste way back when we started out. So did Left-Hoof Joe.
Anyway, you ever start mutating into a pony? I did. Painful experience, also freaky as hell. Lab boys stopped it before it got too serious, but I'm sure most of you have noticed by now that I don't leave the office a whole lot. And Left-Hoof Joe, well, you've all seen what happened to him.
Anyway, >>27458388 snozzberries are in the greenhouse. They're the blue-ish, green-ish berries.
That is all.
Dear Mr. Hassenfeld,
As of recently my earth pony has taken up walking around with a box on her head or body, mainly depending on the size of the box. This originally happened when she tipped her Cryo-box over and became trapped inside, during the time I considered quickly removing the box but decided to let the events unfold as I thought it would be funny. While my pony was walking around confused I admit I laughed a bit before removing the box shortly after. While I wouldn't be too worried about this behavior my pony has started using boxes to hide around the house and will often times burst out of the box as a means to surprise me.
I have tried removing all boxes from my house as a means to cause this behavior to wane but my pony has somehow managed to hide boxes somewhere in the house. I say this mainly because she has turned up several times walking around with a box on head or body after I did this and jumping out of boxes to surprise me still, even planting decoy boxes around the house while I am away at work.
While I'm fine with my pony walking around with boxes on her head or body I would like to know how to stop her from frighting me by jumping out of boxes. Preferably without removing the more cute trait.
Also is this something that I should worry about as it could be just the tip of the iceberg of something much worse or is this just a small glitch in the pony that can be fixed easily?
>>27458417
>Irwin ate the nutrient paste.
>Gained the heart of pone.
>That's why he's such a nice CEO.
Dear Hassenfeld, i wanted a different pony so i filled a custom order for an Aryanne
Thing is, this report/conspiracy that i attached left me scared that she might go on and actually try do that
She seems perfectly fine and nailed the way i ordered, but since she started learning german her tendencies to make nazi quotes for fun also increased, even thought i never let her close to anything that d tell her about the nazis
Was it integrated into her 'language box'? Should i be worried if my neighbors ever get the princessess?
Please answer, i m legitimaly scared about that conspiracy
Att: Hitler Adolf Non
Attached file: >>27447080
Dear Mr. Hassenfeld, I have recently purchased your "Lyra" model, and it seems to me that she never stops cuddling my hands and sometimes even my feet, she almost made me trip after coming out of the shower one time. Is this natural for the Lyra model?
I mean, I love the affection. But it sometimes happens WAY too often and it really creeps me out, I ALSO found out in the instruction booklet that she may have a tendency to cut my hands and feet OFF. PLEASE tell me this a joke on your end and not an actual fetish my model has grown accustomed to.
Regards, The Hand Anon.
Mr. Hassenfeld,
I'm writing today on behalf of the world, and also to make sure our writers aren't pushing out unfounded garbage again. Everyone and everypony wants to know: are the rumors about your company rolling out a new line of ponies this year true? If so, care to give us any insider info for the masses?
Stacey C. Houlde
Editor-in-Chief, Global News Network (GNN)
P.S. Nothing this juicy was hinted at in your latest press release, you sly dog, you.
P.P.S. This one isn't for the news. You're always so gracious towards your subordinates (ref: >>27458609), and it really shows in the opinion polls. Is that because you have the heart of a pony? If it's true, that has to be the most adorable thing I've ever heard.
Dear Mr. Hassenfeld
I recently ordered a Soarin model from your company and now have a small problem. He's obsessed with pie. It all started after I gave him a piece of apple pie after he gave me those puppy dog eyes that I can not resist. Ever since then, every pie I've brought home has gone missing and I come across a Soarin with a messy muzzle. I tried hiding my favorite pies, oreo and lemon meringue, but when I return to them later, I find empty pie tins. I've even caught him humping a pie. After the most recent Walmart incident, I am no longer allowed in my local Walmart with my Soarin model after all the pies had gone missing. What should I do? Should I bring him to one of your nearby stores or is an easy fix I can do at home?
Sincerely,
Pie Lover Anon
Page 9 bump
>>27458543
Dear Box Pony Owner:
Your pony can and will develop unique traits due to early influence- we have a TWL-5S with a cheese quesadilla phobia, which is adorable almost anywhere outside of certain Tex-Mex dining chains, for example. Odds are, your pony finds boxes a safe and comforting place (most Hassenfelds do) and thinks you're in need of a little excitement and comfort- that is, she came out of a box and made you happy, so she'll try and repeat the experience.
PNK series models are very box-friendly and especially enjoy this, as do CHS-4S stallions. The best method to reduce box-jumping behavior is to get a you-sized box and wait inside until the pony finds out. It won't take long, and as we've also found out, ponies that love boxes are also fond of having their own box fort to play in with owners. (TWS models tend to make book forts instead).
>>27458770
If you read the small print, ARY-C4C models come with an irrationality breaker- while finding great satisfaction in attempting to follow along with such a conspiracy, they'll also fail comically while doing so. We use the DER genetic codemods as a behavioral link to this, so really, they'll never know what went wrong.
Be assured that you're safe from the Fourth Pony Reich.
>>27459025
Dear Hand Anon:
Yes, it's perfectly normal, and LYR-S1s will even nibble on your fingers at times (though not harmfully). There's a bit of feline modeling in a lot of our Hassenfeld products, and the hand/feet bit is one of Mr. Hassenfeld's ideas of humor after we found the prototype had been hoarding every mitten, glove, and vibram-soled shoe she could find to make a nest.
Really. We don't know what we'd do without him helping us write model profiles.
>>27459035
Mr Hassenfeld, We're not touching this one with a ten-foot pole. She's all yours. -CS
>>27459069
Dear Pie Lover Anon-
Hassenfelds living alone can develop these sorts of traits to the point of your current issues. Quite simply, he's probably lonely for companions, and "herding" will usually help curb these substitution behaviors, mares especially. Hassenfelds are supposed to be silly ponies after all!
A play group will do, but we suggest having your Soarin shipped wit- er, sent a mare- AJK-S1 (domestic) is a popular ship, as is RDH-S6 and any of the Wonderbolt line.
>>27459896
Hnnggggg
boop
>>27460825
Boop again
>>27459035
Stacey -
Yep, we're rolling a new line out this year. We're hoping to refine some of the technical issues our last line had, and also include some designs that didn't make the cut on the last line.
We also plan on continuing to provide tech support for our previous models, as we always have and always will.
As for the rumors of whether or not I have the heart of a pony, well...
Yes.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
>>27461252
Aw yis.
We was right.
>>27444903
Dear Mr Hassenfeld.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making your pony models. You have made hundreds happy.
Long ago I acquire a PNK-Y model and still love it.
Recently I started liking your APL-JK but I'm unsure if my PNK-Y would feel jealous, left aside or even think I don't like her as a friend anymore if I do such thing.
What should I do?
Sincerely Bonus Ducks Anon.
>>27463435
Bonus Ducks Anon -
In a way, our ponies can act like children at times. As long as you don't show any signs of favoritism toward Applejack instead of Pinkie, there shouldn't be any signs of jealousy.
If she does feel jealous, you'll have to sit down with her and have a heartfelt talk about time spent with friends and how you'll still like her no matter what.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
>>27463513
Thank Mr. Hessenfeld, I thought that might be the solution but I wanted to be sure. I don't want my PNK-Y to develop the "Diane" glitch.
>>27463623
Bonus Ducks Anon -
The Diane glitch only happened once, and we have taken every possible measure to ensure that it will never happen again.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
>>27444903
Mister Hassenfield,
I am writing this email in my partners MRV police vehicle, currently powering down Skyway 26, so apologies for any spelling mistakes. To make a long story short, I am with the Neo Tokyo Police Department Android Division, and I am in pursuit of MLP Lyra No. 4674258. The unit is responsible for sexually violating Mr Anon.E.Moose multiple times, and has now kidnapped him, for reasons unknown. I highly urge you to activate this units kill switch, to aid in our efforts to neutralize it.
Sincerely,
Scruff Deckard, NTPD.
>>27464156
Scruffy Deckard -
I'm afraid we don't place kill switches in our ponies. There's far too many of them to keep track of things like that.
I'm not entirely sure what the malfunction with that Lyra model is, either. That's never happened before.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
>>27464156
Dear Mr. Deckard:
We don't put kill switches in intelligent beings.
We put in an off switch. Simply boop them without excessive force and a soft reboopboot will ensue, lasting long enough to properly restrain the offending pony.
Also, our Hassenfelds are incapable of non-consensual sexual acts without the prior request of the person in question in triplicate. Therefore, Mr. Moose had to have requested it explicitly (and three times) to result in such an act. I'm sure he's going to have a lot of explaining to do-
-what, I'm trying to liveservice here...
...check out the NeoAsiaNews channel?
OK, Mr. Deckard. When you get that artificial phallus gag out of Mr. Anon's mouth, he's got a lot to answer for ordering one of our ponies to hijack an ice cream truck and drive It backwards down a three-level superhighway.
Let us know. Take plenty of pictures.
>>27464230
With all due respect, Mr Hassenfeld, the subject is flying down the skyway at 467mph, so any booping will be damn near impossible. Also, the subject has contacted us, and according to our records, you multiple time before about this unit.Also, the unit has terminated Mr Moose's personal MLP unit, deeming it a "lying, cheating, whore". Since it has shown evidence of murderous capabilities, it is now deemed a Class 1 Perpetrator, and it's termination has been specifically ordered by the NTPD.
Sincerely,
Scruff Deckard, NTPD
>>27464230
>>27464312
>>27464230
MEMO TO: All Departments.
Irwin Hassenfeld here.
I'm sure all of you have seen that police report by now. Some of you have seen the video Mr. Deckard's spinner dascam recorded. Whatever the case, you all know about Lyra by this point.
I don't know how or why that Lyra unit did what she did. And I'm not going to blame any of you for what has to be a serious malfunction.
I want a full investigation done, and a report on that unit's hardware needs to be on my desk as soon as possible. Our ponies are meant to be safe, above all else. We install failsafes for this very reason.
I want to know what caused that Lyra unit to go berserk, and I want everyone to make sure that this will never happen again.
That is all.
>>27464414
Mr Hassenfeld,
I regret to inform you, during video negotiations with the Lyra unit, Mr Moose was terminated by the suspect (Method: Execution at point-blank range with a Smith and Wesson 277 mag pistol). Due to this, the unit has been eliminated (Method: Long-range head shot from a Heisei Corp. GTX-9 gauss sniper). Surviving derbris from the unit will be taken for cyberforensic examination, followed by a thorough investigation of your company by the NTPD. We do not want this product becoming the next Nexus-6, you understand.
>>27464527
Dear Mr.Hassenfeld.
Um, this is sort of new and weird, but it's Lyra. Well, I'm a Lyr-h3rt 341 model to be specific.
I'm sure you heard the news about what happened with that other... Me. The "Lyra Heartbreaker" as she's being called.
I wanted to write to you because, ever since that day, my human has been giving me strange, worried looks. He used to be so close and friendly, and I'm very worried about what sort of companionship we can have from here on out.
I don't want to hurt anyone like the other Lyra, but...
Am I a bad pony? Am I at risk? Please, I just want to be close to my Anon again. I don't want him to be afraid of me.
-Concerned Heartstrings-
>>27464689
Dear Lyra,
The lab boys are hard at work trying to figure out what happened. We're still not sure what she did, or how she screwed up this badly.
But you are not a bad pony. I want you to know that. Your Anon will be afraid of you for some time. It's a natural reaction, and you must not blame yourself for this.
In time, your Anon will realize that you are still the same, wonderful friend you've always been.
If you ever feel like you need to talk about this again, send me a letter. I'll be happy to help you through this.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
Dear Mr. Hassenfeld,
My new pony has stayed unusually small but developed a very long coat of hair. It also cannot pronounce the letters l or r, using a w sound instead. Lastly, it seems to be remarkably stupid compared to my friends' ponies. I mean, it always starts to try to do what it is told, but forgets what it is doing after a minute or so, then usually craps on the floor and starts playing with it. I am not a cruel child, but the only thing that seems to improve its behavior is threatening it with a stick. It is strange and sickening to me, but for some reason I find myself enjoying it. Do you have more of them like this?
Randy Tewel
>>27464967
Mr. Tewel -
You seem to have received a "Fluffy Pony." These are defective ponies that require special treatment, and a very patient handler. As such, they are never supposed to leave the facility.
We are willing to send you a regular pony free of charge as compensation.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
Dear Mr. Hassenfeld,
Firstly I wanted to thank you for creating those loveable creatures. I purchased one of your newer models, M0-77Y, and I love her to bits. I have one problem with her though...
She always liked electronic or rave or whatever music, but thats not the problem since watching her dance is quite amusing, the problem is that she somehow managed to find my stash of mdma, which, of course, I need for medical reasons, and promptly took some of it thinking it was candy.
Now she wont stop talking, dancing and cuddling with me, which are all things I quite like, but not for 12 hours straight.
My question is: Can mdma damage my pony?
>>27465229
MDMA Man -
Our ponies are susceptible to the same problems with drugs as humans. Marijuana will make them mellow/high, acid will cause hallucinations, and ether will do whatever it is that ether does.
MDMA, in strong doses, can and will damage your pony in the same way it will damage a person. Only allow her to use it responsibly.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
P.S. For the love of god, don't let her have access to cocaine. You don't want to see that.
>>27464822
Mr. Hassenfeld?
We've gotten the preliminary lab results back.
You want the good news or the bad news-
Yes, Mr. Hassenfeld. A pony like this is all bad news.
She was post-factory modified, sir. "Hacked" isn't a bad enough word.
Someone went through her bioware and ruined it. There's viral RNA rewrites throughout what was....was left of her brain matter. Rabies base, definitely not a natural mutation. We can't tell you what precisely it did to that Lyra, but I think based on the footage we can guess it was hideous. Yes, Mr. Hassenfeld she had all the usual vaccinations, including rabies. This was deliberate.
No, there's no traces of the virus in the other deceased BNB. Other than the bite marks on the windpipe, but those are likely from saliva.
No, mister Hassenfeld. We are not going to have a zompony apocalypse.
Poor thing, killing her was merciful. What kind of sick bastard cooks up a disease just to brainjack a pony?
>>27465780
In areas not specifically proscribed by the Moral or Religious Reservation Law (MORRL), it is OK for your Hassenfeld to consume in moderation. Most ponies tend to prefer nonrefined versions of traditional intoxicants, such as chewing coca or hemp leaves and various mushrooms. Their guts will get the appropriate alkaloid/cannibaloids out and make them a bit more pony-friendly.
Please limit synthetic and direct use of chemical intoxicants to very small amounts. While Hassenfelds do not exhibit dependency or addictive reactions to such chemicals, they can suffer overdose effects just like anyone else.
If your pony develops a lingering high temperature after exposure to MDMA (even in small amounts), please see a vetrimedical professional -immediately-.
>>27466089
Irwin Hassenfeld here.
I want this taken care of now. Whatever it takes, you boys make sure that our ponies won't suffer a disease like that again.
That is all.
>>27466187
We've....we've got enough infected tissue to probably isolate and make a vaccine, sir. We're already on it, the idea someone is out there that could do it AGAIN is disgusting, and we've had two of the Redhearts already volunteer for the live subject testing. It's not even a strongly infectious virus, it'd take...
Mr Hassenfeld, I'm contacting NTPD and Neo Tokyo's unit service net. That Lyra was treated for anemia and regularly transfused, at least three times in the past year. A deliberately tainted unit or two of blood would be enough to cause this. This wouldn't have pinged normal diagnostics- it's artificial blood, where the hell would it get a derivative rabies contaminant from? Yes, sir. We'll issue a full recall, thirty seconds ago in fact.
I wouldn't infect a pony, sir, but I'd lock this fucker in a room after a syringe full of Ebola-C, just to watch him die. And stream the whole thing company-wide.
>>27466346
I'm not a cruel man. Just get that vaccine done and administered, so we can put this all behind us.
- Irwin Hassenfeld.
-Dear Hassenfeld Bros.
I've tested on the nutrient paste with different plants when i was testing it on a peat plant. And i'm not sure, but i think that about 1/5 of the nutrient paste got into my blood stream.
Skip to 3 weeks later, I've been having headaches and my fully grown pony has been more motherly to me ever since. It's a TS-S6 and my behavior is changing, any advice?
-Nonny Moose.
>>27466402
Nonny -
Get to a hospital, now.
Trust me, you do not want to experience what happens next.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
>>27466402
Contrary to Mr Hassenfeld's jokes, you aren't turning into a pony, nor will you sprout a horn or any other pony parts, for that matter.
However, your sweat is going to smell like a- well, young growing pony for a while until you stop rubbing that stuff all over your skin, and combining that with the maternal instinct package we have in adult mares, you're likely getting dosed with low-level thaumic radiation over a long period of time.
That is, your TS-S6 is giving you instinctive foal cuddles because you smell like one. Human brains aren't wired for that, thus your headaches. In the short term, a thin layer of foil wrapped around your head (or under a cap) will stop the radiation effect, and don't let your TS-6S know. They get serious guilt trips about this sort of thing.
And yes, we've just told you to put on the tinfoil hat. Seriously.
In any case, please desist in using nutrient paste off-brand for at least a month and see your local doctor. In the future, please use safety gloves when handling large amounts of nutrient paste and avoid immersive amounts of skin contact. Thank you!
>>27466456
-Dear Hassenfeld
I'm trying to get rid of these headaches, i don't think i can drive with these conditions. Do the Pony models know how to drive? Because i need to take all available options before driving this dizzy.
-Nonny
>>27466484
When in doubt, call 911, or ask your TS to do so. Tinfoil on head. Now.
>>27444903
Ponies are not for sexual.
>>27458543
This is cute
>>27452061
I would want an OC pone to.
>>27467019
Hassenfeld, Inc. will gladly do custom orders for a .5% premium per feature (mane, coat, cutie mark, etc) from any base model or a complete custom at our usual flat rate. Note, all customs must be a Hassenfeld racial product type and usual Princess-rates apply for alicornized forms.
>>27467118
Dear Mr. Hassenfeld,
Is it possible to encode memories into the custom ponies. If so how much of an increase in price would I be looking at?
>>27467728
Direct memory implantation is, per the UN Self-Awareness Treaty, illegal without consent. Remember that Hassenfelds are treated as dependent minors under the law, and as implantation requires consent a minor cannot by law deliver, you'd have to wait until the age of majority to do so, with the pony being allowed to simstim the memory prior to implantation along with legal representation.
Memory implantation on an undeveloped human mind has caused delayed psychosis, schizophrenia, disassociation syndrome, and worse. Mentally ill little ponies aren't something we'd like to sell.
>>27467728
Memory Anon -
That's a really complicated thing. We can do it, but only if the pony in question gives consent to it.
It's also a bit of a messy process. The encoded memories would mix with the pony's memories, which could cause an identity crisis. Encoding the memories safely and helping the pony adjust to them is a long, difficult process, and I personally don't recommend that you try it.
Regards,
Irwin Hassenfeld.
To the Brothers Hassenfield,
Please tell Clyde to stop trying to rename the Maud units, and to stop eating shit. Literally.
Also, don't leave chocolate milk around Twilight Sparkle units.
-Gary
Dear OP,
Check these dubs
Dear Mods,
Delete this RP thread
>>27469663
Off by three.
Do bio-engineered ponies make good company for those with severe depression, anxiety, etc.?
>>27472887
Absolutely!
Studies have shown that a pony companion can be extraordinarily therapeutic to people suffering those conditions.
>>27472972
How much could I expect to spend on a bio-engineered pony? To be honest, I don't know if I'll ever be able to hold down a decent job (thank you, brain defects, for fucking that up for me!), and I want to know if it's even remotely possible for a pathetic NEET like me to afford a pony who could potentially help me get out of NEET-hood.
>>27473103
One of the reasons Hassenfelds exist is therapy- that is, they're intelligent companions that bond to humans. Some Hassenfelds are actually specifically caregiver-positive trait (Redhearts are common in hospitals for just such a reason), but we believe pony time is good time for humans.
Drop by one of our service and sales centers. While you might not end up buying a pony, you may very well end up working with them and even partnered with a Hassenfeld from our UPP (Unaffiliated Pony Pool). For no fault of their own, Hassenfelds can end up without their original partners due to misfortune- and we take care of those ponies, who in turn often want to help other humans.
Likewise, Hassenfeld, Inc. is always looking for more people who want to spend constructive time with our ponies to the benefit of both.
>>27473344
