Let’s get hypothetical.
You’re a writer who’s been going at it for a bit now. You really enjoy what you do and put your blood, sweat, and tears into each story. One day, you decide to post it in a random thread to get some feedback.
Just one problem: no takers.
You wonder if you should even bother writing; you decide to quit and move on to something else.
If that story applies to you, then hold your horses. If all you wanted was feedback, to improve your writing skills a bit, or maybe just see how others do it, then you’ve come to the right place. There are a few rules, however:
>Posting the story directly in the thread is preferred over a link to Pastebin, FiMFiction, etc.
>One story at a time.
>Don’t be a dick or asshole when reading or critiquing.
>All stories posted within the thread must be pre-written.
This thread’s purpose is to encourage writefags all over /mlp/ to write. We’re laid back here. Post what you want as long as it’s pone related. We’re not all “STOREEEYS ONLY!” We discuss topics such as writing techniques, interesting tropes, and bring forth story ideas. Let’s have fun.
>>26953138
Tips and links:
Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug’s tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup:
http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f
http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)Had to. Puns are awesome.
Things you should know about writing:
Clever’s Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn’s Guite to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/
A few authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy
>“How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>“FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way to cure it, but, if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing; there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*.
-Write anyway, and allow yourself to write shitty stories. More often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.
*Unless you’re writing clop, then listen to your boner.
I've got a critique coming up later tonight, which I'm working on right now. Erotic violence.
Hoofball Harem
http://pastebin.com/neMhnNUE
This is better than the first time, so good. Keep that up. Your description is better, but still needs some work in a couple places; lines 209-233 stood out to me as particularly dry. While you do need some of it to keep me in the game, I would have preferred a slightly smoother integration of character action and game description. Instead of a little dialogue sandwiched between a lot of lines on the plays’ progress, I think you could have combined them, so the scene had more cohesion. Or, if not that, make the alternation less distinct.
My primary concern, however, is not the prose, which I found generally pretty okay. The way time goes by in this story is really weird. You say, early on, that the point of the game is for the mares to try to get each other off in the couple seconds they’re on the ground from a tackle, but then, I hit lines 65-94. The whole scene felt out-of-place, partially because of the amount of stuff that happens in it, and partially because of the very unhurried way Number 50 goes about teasing her victim. There’s no way all of that petting and nibbling and dirty talk made it into the frantic interval between plays, especially with the languor with which Number 50 does it. When you described it happening to other ponies, you had them wrestling on the ground, jamming hooves into orifices whenever they could, like everyone was trying to have an orgy in very small pieces—which they basically are. 1/?
>>26953873
Further, Number 7 doesn’t seem particularly upset about where she is, which is even stranger considering her later reaction at Tangerine. If she’s so opposed to the idea of mares sexing each other in the midst of a hoofball game, then why does she offer no resistance when 50 has her on the ground? You say that she’s weighed down by the larger mare, but she can still struggle. All I saw was her angling her head away, but that’s not much, considering her position and how she’s later revealed to feel about it.
Why is she so grossed out about this game’s premise, anyway? I know it’s weird, I find it very weird too, but if we’ve got two teams of mares who are utterly comfortable with the idea, then that makes Number 7 an outlier, and I have to wonder why that is. What is it about her that’s different from her teammates, from her friend? I think it would be a good idea to find something non-sexual about her to differentiate her from the other mares right at the start, so we can enter into this game knowing that she doesn’t feel at home, and for more than the simple reason of having not played very much. That way, her unhappiness about the weird game will be rooted in something more fundamental to her character, and not just a stand-alone hang-up. 2/?
>>26953891
On that topic, lines 125-159 contain the second time dilation in this story. How is it that Hazel and Tangerine can have a heart-to-heart like this while everyone else is setting up for the next play? A conversation like this, I imagine, would need to take maybe two or three minutes, delivered as it was here, and that’s too much for the very brief period of time they supposedly have.
The solution is similar to my suggestion on the minor problem with which I led this critique, and that is better integration. I think I advised this last time too, but I don’t remember, and this is the one critique I didn’t save. If you have a tighter focus on the action in this story, then you’ll be less likely to let it go by the wayside whenever character interaction needs to happen. Remember, everything that happens up to the point where you stopped writing is taking place during a game of hoofball. All interactions will be brief, meaning you’ll need to find a way to have characters do a lot of communication non-verbally. You approach this when you have Number 50 eyeing Number 7 from across the field. Things like looks in the eyes, deliberate placements of self in relation to others for plays, and the forces of tackles will say a lot, because those things will be your only indicators of emotion. You can save the emotional conversation for the locker room.
On the subject of tenderness in conversation, I’d like to point out lines 184-188, which I thought to be extraordinarily, inappropriately civil. I don’t see the need for everyone to rush to soothe Hazel’s feelings about something as simple as a change in the game’s strategy. Perhaps it would be better if the dialogue didn’t take up so much space. All you really need is a pair of lines, or even less; you could simply say that they decided to switch to a running game in the huddle, and left it at that. It’s not the kind of choice that I think needs a conversation around it. 3/4
>>26953924
I’m getting down to the smaller details now, and there aren’t many. I think you can cut out lines 88 and 207; they’re not adding anything to the story, and are repeating super obvious conclusions. Line 17, meanwhile, you say yourself is unimportant, so why write it in? All across this story, I saw you using “who’s” in place of “whose,” and the wrong “your” as well. Lastly, you’re using horse anatomy terms in some places, but human anatomy terms in others. If you’re going to do horse anatomy, do it all the way.
All in all, it was an improvement over the first version, but your action is still a little start-and-stop. You need to smooth out your scenes, and pay closer attention to the passage of time, especially as it relates to the way the characters are interacting. I still think the premise is pretty silly, but you’re working it all right so far. I’m still curious to see where this goes, but I would caution you on making it too overtly emotional between Hazel and Tangerine. I do mean just caution, too; it’s definitely possible to work that kind of narrative into something this sexually extreme, but it’s a tall order. 4/4
And that's the end of the little guy for tonight. I have a dozen or so beers to crush.
I'll put the thread back up on Monday if it dies.
>>26953974
Have fun.
>>26953947
Thx for the feed back. I'll make changes when I can and work on pacing the action better when writing future entries. Speaking of which, the reason the conversation between Hazel and Tangerine was so long was it was taking place in between quarters. It's a break during the game, but not as long as half time. However, you still made a good point about striking it, so I'll move the conversation to half time when there is a proper lull in action.
As for the extraordinarily civil conversation in the huddle, I was trying to go for that feeling. True Breeze is supposed to have an upper crust air about her and is meant to counteract Ruby's rude brashness. I also thought it would add irony and humor that a cultured Manehattenite would play a rediculous sexualized hoofball game. But if it's too much I can remove those lines as well.
About pacing action: is there a system I can do when writing to make sure the action flows at a steady beat, like the rythm of a song? Or is that something to figure out on my own?
April Fool's, how soon you're gone
Page 8 slump
>>26955747
Thank the lord almighty
Episode day party
May I post the conceptual episode summaries I wrote in another thread? Or do they not count because they are just stories and not scripts/novellas
>>26959873
Eh. I don't see why not. Could at least get some discussion going
>>26960917
>>26936387
>>26949067
>>26954486
Oh, I see it. That got mentioned far before the actual conversation, that's why I missed it.
Having Breeze speak in that way is fine, but I still think the exchange was too long, and Gem wasn't being contrasted particularly strongly there anyway. She agreed and spoke politely about it, but just with an accent; that's not crass.
Action and pacing is something best figured out on one's own, because the ideal way(s) for it to go vary from story to story. I don't know what you're planning on having happen after the game, if anything, so I can't speak with as much confidence as I'd like here, but if I were writing your story, I would try to keep the action at a more constant pace, and broken, not by exchanges of dialogue like you have, but by single or double lines of description, either of character motion or 7's thoughts. That's my first idea, anyway, but there are other ways to go about it. It really depends on what you want the reader to get out of the story. A faster pace will put focus more on the game, but a slower one will put it more on 7 and anyone else you choose to lump in with her. A pace that changes throughout, if done well, will let you move the focus from character to game as you want, but I'd advise you do that only if you're planning on making this longer than the hoofball game's duration, because that kind of non-static pacing can make the story seem strongly unfocused if it's in a small dose.
>>26961078
The Wind Wooly idea is cute, and I dig it. I liked the alien abduction idea less, though I do think letting Spike save the day from time to time is always a good move.
>>26962986
I wanted to write a very silly two parter but still have it feel like canon. I actually want to know if even you guys agree that execution wise, it feels like it would be canon, even if the concept is very "out there".
>>26962986
10/4 on the Ruby thing. I read through it again and thought it was too pleasant as well. Will rewrite later.
I do want to take the story past the game. Don't know how far, but I've at least planned for a budding relationship between 7 and 50. That will make more sense as I write more, cause right now it's just tension.
I'll work on establishing the pacing when editing the story, so that way I'll get a feel for it when I write new content.
>>26963701
Sounds good. I'll be glad to look at it again when you're ready. I'll be back tomorrow or Monday.
>>26964843
Thank you. I want to write another good chunk before more review so it might be a while.
More on pacing. Does breaking up the action in single lines of text slow down action or contribute to making it stale? I know that's how greentext is written, but I feel it might contribute to the problem of stale action
Mumps
Hey guys don't die please?
Have a bump
Safety before bed
>>26967029
>>26967667
I'm watching the thread.
Gotcha back, Jack
>>26963109
Eh. I don't know about the alien abduction idea. Might be too "out there" for me, but I think that the Wind Wooly idea is great. I dont think it rehashes any previous episode themes and it could be adorable. Right up the shows alley imo
>>26963701
Good luck.
>>26969680
Thx bruh
>>26966234
Alright, we'll try not to die.
>>26971649
And keep going
Happy to see you guys made it through the night.
>>26953947
What an informative picture
OH I KNOW IT’S NOT THE RIGHT TIME TONIGHT
BUT I WON’T MOVE UNTIL THIS STOPS
WE GO BACK TO THE TOP
OH OH
BACK TO THE TOP
>>26975745
What song are you referencing. Tell me or I'll find you and do things that are unspeakable.
>>26975953
Darude-SandstormTwin Shadow-To the top
>>26976164
Thank ya kindly
>>26976164
Alright, I see why
ah
>>26964931
It can slow down action, but it can also provide the contrast necessary for action to have a rhythm, which is important as well. It would really depend on the individual line, though. It's a case-by-case thing.
Huh. The thread in the catalog seems more noticable thanks to the picture.
Not sure why.
bumpo
safe bump
>>26979031
Ok, that makes sense.
I don't think I have anymore questions, so I'll get to it.
Thanks again for the help
Man, I haven't rewritten my fanfic in months since little reviewed it. Hopefully the archives still have the review.
I tried writing again for a general I used to go to. Nice little 110 kb story. Remembered why I didn't stay.
While we're at the topic of...bumping, I think we should try and think of a good OP pic. I can photoshop a bit and this OP, despite not really relevant to the thread seems to be eye catching in the catalog because it's, well, a circle icon.
Any of you guys try to update your vocabulary? Whenever I see an unfamiliar word, I record it and its meaning on a notepad, though I have trouble actually imprinting it in my head for regular use.
>When you have that writing rhythm but you suddenly realize the flaws of your story's future.
>>26981756
I've actually been talking to one of my artist friends to see if he can draw an opening for us. Not much idea what to have, but we could probably have it done by the end of the week.
>>26981795
A little. I have a hard time learning new words. I'll remember it for a week at most. If it's not a word I find myself using or coming across on a regular basis, then my brain doesn't keep it
Vump
double bump
oh baby a triple bump
>>26981572
Which story was it?
>>26987431
The one with Cherry and Dinky with griffons, conspiracies and a portal to a different world
Okay, so, question for how the board is supposed to work now:
I'm not an especially prolific writer, but most of what I've written has been in those shitty, three-line prompts with a simple picture that have been scruffed to hell and back. I genuinely enjoy someone giving me just an initial idea of what to write, even if that winds up being something I actively fight against in my writing (turning raep threads into something comfy or heartwarming is especially enjoyable). But now it's actively discouraged for people to make "role-playing" threads, which I guess also includes like 90% of the kind of threads I like writing for. It's not that I can't come up with an interesting idea on my own, but is there anywhere that someone like me who enjoys riffing on other anons' suggestions can go?
>>26988312
Here's the thing. The board's had a problem with ever-increasing amounts of sex prompts that doesn't really go anywhere, worse if it turns into a general that is just AiE with a flavor character or a setting that's similar to five other existing generals.
Instead of relying on the tried and true formula that's currently banned, try making up new things for the OP. It wouldn't hurt to try and be original, even if it is still AiE.
>>26988312
Try to be different. When it comes to marketing, if you want a loophole, try to be creative.
>>26981497
No problem. My pleasure.
>>26981795
All the time. What works for me is picking words one at a time and taking a week or so trying to shoehorn them into conversation. The meanings tend to stick for me a lot better when I do that. I've actually used critiques to practice new words for myself.
>>26988312
I've seen a good deal of prompts inside of larger threads. Any random idea or fetish with more than two or three replies is bound to have someone hollering for a writefag to get on it. Maybe you just need to get in the habit of digging a little deeper.
>>26989536
Sometimes the word just sticks because it reminds me of good things.
Like Milquetoast. Why do I remember it?Milk and toast.
>>26989548
I made milk bread in front of a friend once, and he was speechless. He'd never heard of it before, so, from his position, I was just taking a slice of bread and ruining it in a bowl of milk. Laughs were had.
>>26989548
When I first heard that word, I thought it was milk-toast, as in a weird combination of two words to describe something that was really weak. I didn't realize at the time that it was an actual word.
Another weird word I found was Animus. Like, in connection to the Assassin's Creed machine that lets you revisit memories, I had no idea why they named it an animus.
>>26981795
When I first heard of Melancholy from one of the books in a local library named Memories of My Melancholy Whores, I read it as mecha-holy and thought of mecha prostitutes as interesting.
>>26990531
>Mecha prostitutes.
I'm reminded of Date A Live
>>26990564
or Chobits
>>26990626Or Plastic Memories
>>26953138
Hello, I was wondering if you guys could help me with some of my stories. I'm thinking about writing them once more in FIM fiction but I would like some small feedback on them.
http://pastebin.com/Wpjha27W
This one is one of my favorites, it's about Rainbow Dash.
bump, new customer alert.
>>26991001
>http://pastebin.com/Wpjha27W
Not an anon story? I'm surprised.
>>26953138
Cute pic.
>>26991001
Hi, there! I swear I've seen you somewhere... Hmm.
FiMfic, you say. Well, that's a good move, considering the last attempt of purging.
>>26992262
Not sure if there's any strict purging.
New greentext still comes and stays. Just not all of them like this weird bit >>26990578
>>26991001
Rainbow Dash story? Sounds fun. Short synopsis please?
Last bump for me
>>26992401
>>26992262
>>26992023
Well, it's a story of EqG RD going through some harsh times because she's using carnal pleasure to get over some issues.
bumps
>>26993617
Yea, noticed from the first three lines.
so, writefag's guild, first time posting in this general. been writing for Tech Isn't Magic and, over there most the feedback over there is "punctuation, otherwise keep going." and not really getting any pointers, this is my first green that wasn't called shit so i think i broke a barrier here, but im still not getting any feedback, so i came here to see what i can get out of this general.
here's the story
Synopsis, anon in equestria, teaching twilight how to understand the world deeper than just "magic."
http://pastebin.com/KvQKUKGi
reading this isn't important, just a context- ramble.
i kinda started writing this story after reading a bunch of Tech Isn't magic fics (one by PeteQ) and saw that in all of them, twilight was out of character, she was; well, indescribably harsh, probably the nature of the general. but if you've read some of those stories this is being written as a "breath of logic and fresh air" kind of slice of life bit with anon as the insert.
pic sortof related.
>>26994952
So what do you think?
>>26991001
>>26993617
So... is it alright?
>>26997267
Hold your ponies. I'll read it and give you my thoughts
>>26995079
http://pastebin.com/KvQKUKGi
just updated it's at the end of it's current chapter right now.
>>26998297
>Anon
It was dead from the start.
>>26998305
here's your (You)
>>26998360
>can't take criticism
typical self-insert poster.
>>26991001
Okay, I'm back. I have a few issues with this story
This is a Rainbow Dash story. Where is she? You have a character with the surface traits of Rainbow: she's friends with the mane six, likes Daring Do, and is the obvious target of lesbian jokes, but it doesn't feel like Rainbow Dash. Those first 24 lines are the prime example of what I'm talking about. Lines 16 and 17 in particular. When has Dash ever talked like that? That sounds more like an emo than Dash.
Lines 5-9. Dash says that being called a lesbian doesn't bother her. This is a lie, which is fine, but line 9, however, is not. She says "The truth is that deep down, I feel lonely." so when I read this, I expect that to be her motivation for her actions. As I get into the story, she doesn't really seem lonely, and in fact despises being thought of as a lesbian so much that she talks about it throughout the story, and even punches a girl for calling her a tomboy. The problem isn't that she lied about her feelings to the reader, and tried to cover her actions with an excuse, it's that her excuse was a more valid reason for her actions than the name-calling she was subjected to and that she presented her excuse in a more sincere manner.
In lines 5 and 51, Dash asks herself why she keeps doing these things she knows she shouldn't, but in lines 9, 10, and 24, she states reasons for her behavior. This relates to the last paragraph: why does she ask herself why she does these things, when she tells us why she does those things?
Also, Dash seems to hate being seen crying in this story. I don't think that's the case at all with Dash from the show. Think of when Tank went into hibernation. She bawled her eyes out in front of her friends. She wasn't afraid of expressing emotion, or appearing weak. The only time Dash seems to be adverse to expressing emotions is when it comes to affection, lovey-dovey stuff, "mushiness" as she put it in one episode.
>>26998490
I don't have a problem with the premise of Dash's dad dying, but I am hesitant with Rainbow Dash having daddy issues in general. Once this popped up, it stopped being a hypothetical, and started being an interpretation of Dash because this information extends beyond the story and into the show and movies. If this is the history you're going to give her, then you need to come up with a reason to explain the behavior we've seen in the show. If she's had an asshole father this entire time, then she should be really good at either hiding her true feelings, or coping with them. Dash has an immense ego, but has never shown to have a chip on her shoulder. So, when I find out that she's had daddy issues this entire time, and is just now started showing signs of these hangups, and resorted to an extreme behavior of sleeping with countless guys, I find it a little hard to believe.
One little thing I noticed was that she read the entirety of a Daring Do book, and her friends were still in her house. Even if those books were relatively short, that could still be hours that her friends had been staying there, and not making one attempt to talk to Dash from just outside her door.
I'll give you credit that the story did tug at the heart strings a little, but the main character doesn't really resemble Dash. She's only Rainbow in name only.
>>26998297
I can have a critique for this on Friday.
>>26998372
well, dooming something based on its concept is not criticism, writers here take criticism very well. but telling someone that their content is objectively bad because of a concept is not criticism. so lets look at your stamement. and then at the definition of criticism
>a critical comment, article, or essay; critique.
the word that means the most here is critical.
definition of critical.
>involving skillful judgment as to truth, merit, etc.
>Anon (It was dead from the start.)
your comment was not skillfuly crafted, nor did it require much thought. see prejudice
>an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason.
also, in your next comment. >>26998372
you use the ad hominem fallacy, You attacked your opponent's character or personal traits in an attempt to undermine their argument (ad hominem).
I rate your posts 2/10 requires more thought
>>26999007
007 get
are you bond? james bond?
>>26999007
>This amount of Based in one post
>>26999007
I guess you don't know how to take a joke in a board about colorful horses.
Jeez.
>>26998297
Why couldn't you split your chapters in separate pastebin posts?
>>26999297
because three chapters are only like, 800 lines. its also easier to download if its all in one.
>>26999840
B-but what if I wanted to just read it on the pastebin but lose my place from the last time I was reading?
>>26999887
then save a screenshot, or that line number, and simply return to it like a bookmark.
all this board needs is a little critical thinking.
>>26999929
That thinking is the cause of every shitty interface in the world.
>>26999929
I rather spend my critical thinking on something other than a line number of a greentext format pony fanfic.
It's much easier to digest when chapters are split up
>>26999956
This.
>>26999981
cant wait for
>>26999999
>>27000069
don't forget
>>27000000
bup
bumb
>>26999291
It's a board hostile to eachother while pumping out less than original or well written smut stories.
Give him a break.
>>27000069
>>27000210
Let me guess, [s4s] got em?
bumps
Herro, I've got a few short Greentexts that I have sitting around, does anyone mind if I post them here?
>>27004462
Do it m80.
>>27004462
It's what the thread's for
>>27004554
>>27004587
Gotcha, starting with one called "Advice Anon."
>You be Anon
>Been in Poneville for a while, found out quickly upon arrival that these creatures are not very good at something called, "Logic."
>One time, you went along with Princess Starbutt and friends for, "and Adventure of a Lifetime!"
>Said adventure mostly consisted of sitting on a train.
>And sitting in a room, waiting for Princess face to get out of some important conference.
>And more sitting, but at least this one was entertaining.
>You got to see zebras fight to the death for entertainment, which was breddy gud.
>After that, though, you went straight to the hotel room.
>You had no idea that small colorful equines were capable of making liquor that could knock you on your ass with one nice, long chug.
>Trying some in the middle of watching a bloody, desperate fight was not a good idea.
>"You're not gonna be coming along with us on trips for a while, Anon."
>After that ordeal, you went back to living your shitty life and wishing that these ponies had some common sense.
>The three snack-sized ones kept crashing through your window every morning when you woke up.
>Nobody gave two shits.
>Then, bright idea comes around.
>One day, you set up a stand that says: "Advice for all of your problems: 5 cents"
>First hoers to pass by is none other than Rarara
>"Darling, what's a 'cents?'"
"Umm, It's a form of currency. Most notably known by the fact that they are usually in coin form."
>"..."
"You don't know what fucking money is?"
>"Oh, money! Darling, I don't know what they used where you came from, but we use Bits here."
>Bits
>Bits
>BITS
>What the fuck kinda name is that for a form of currency?
"What the fuck are bits?"
>"It's the money that we use here in Equestria, darling. They look like this."
>She pulls out a gold coin from... where?
>Holy shit they use gold coins
>When you go back to Earth, you're gonna be rich!
I doubt anyone's going to read this since there's already a flood of Anon's posting their own shit.
However, if anyone would care to take the time and enjoy some articulate and rather interesting writting, then please, give one of my stories a shot.
http://pastebin.com/u/ReaperPone
>>27004603
well fuck, forgot to turn my trip on.
>But you have to earn the money first.
"Okay, thanks for the help. I'll get to changing the sign."
>Go back inside your house, which smells like death itself.
"Where the fuck did I put that marker and shit..."
>After a half an hour of searching, you find the last giant post-it note and marker.
"Thank god."
>You scrawl out "Professional Help and Advice, "
"Fuck, I should have asked how much a bit is worth. Fuck it."
>"Professional Help and Advice, 5 bits per problem"
>Under that, you add, "Dr. Anon, PhD"
>Fucking Genius.
>Go back outside and plaster the paper onto the table you're using as a desk.
"Now, we wait."
>evilgrin.jpg
>"Wow, help and advice for 5 bits! I need that!"
>Random pone walks up to you
>"H-h-h... Hello, sir. I would like some help and advice."
"Bits first. Then we talk."
>You point to a small jar that you have sitting on the table.
>"Uhm-uh.. okay."
>He digs up a few coins.
>rattlerattlerattle.mp3
>Ahh, the sweet sound of money.
>The guy even sounds like a betafag, though.
>The kind that does nothing but watch Pokémon all day.
"Okay, what do you need help with?"
>He sits on the ground in front of you with a nervous grimace
>He's not talking
>This isn't good.
>"Sir, I need help. I'm going to have to do the ritual sooner or later, as I'm done with school and almost ready for a job. But I'm really nervous about it. My dad is-"
"Wait, what ritual?"
>"You don't know about the ritual? Did you even have a foalhood?"
>ohshit.jpg
"Let me get one thing clear with you. I do not come from here. To be honest with you, I didn't even know what bits were until 5 minutes ago. I've clearly still got some things to learn. So if you could please explain the whole 'ritual' thing to me, that would be perfect. Then I can help you."
>He looks like he's about to burst into a big, long, fast explanation.
>>27004645
>"To put it simply, the stallion ritual is a tradition that's been going on for a long time. It's used as a way to prove that a colt has really grown up."
>So far, so good.
>"To do the ritual, colts have to challenge their dad in combat, defeat him, and then... umm..."
>You wonder what he's so nervous about with the second part.
>Until he says it.
>"mount... their... mom... and..."
"You don't need to finish that sentence."
>So incest is a tradition in this place.
>Fucking Wow. That's some nightmare fuel for days.
"And you ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY have to do it?"
>"Yes. If I want to have any semblance of normalcy in this world, anyway."
>You hold your head in your hands.
>What
>the
>fuck
>is
>up
>with
>these
>small
>colorful
>equines?
>What the fuck should you do?
>This guy just asked you for help about a ritual that involves him beating up his dad and fucking his mom
>You want to pack up, go back inside your house, and just get completely and utterly wasted in order to forget that this "Stallion Ritual" even existed.
>But you can't.
>This guy just gave you his money so that you would help him out, and you're certainly no Jew.
>Besides, you feel kinda sorry for him.
>If he wants to have a normal life, he has to go through with this
>You don't think you could've survived a serious fight with your dad when you were a teenager.
"Umm... Can you give me a second?"
>"Okay. But you will help me, right?"
>You don't know what to say.
>Aaaand damn. A crowd has gathered.
>As you hold your head in your hands, trying to figure out how not to fuck this situation up, you listen in on some of the whispers in your audience.
>"He might help a pony out with The Ritual."
>"He'd better help."
>"Has he ever done it himself?"
>"No."
>"How's he gonna know how to help? He doesn't even know how it works..."
>"It says on his sign that he's giving advice."
>"And that he's a PhD! I wonder what that is?"
>"Shut up Lyra, I didn't come here to listen to your stupid-"
>>27004627
You got a nice collection of stories anon. Do you write for any particular threads?
>>27004671
Was there more to this?
>>27005014
sorry for being ded for a bit there, there is more.
>"Oooh! Maybe he knows some sort of trick to getting more humans to appear..."
>"...*sigh*... Lyra, I seriously want to strangle you sometimes."
>Well then.
"You know what? I'll help you out right now."
>You didn't like your breakfast this morning anyways.
>Aaaaand awkward silence.
>All of the pones just sit there waiting forthe world to changesomething to happen.
>Well, you were hoping you wouldn't have to use this
>FULL AUTISM, GO!
"You know what?"
>"What?"
"There's a saying that my people, the Humans, have for situations like this."
"Some of the most legendary feats of Human achievement happened right after this saying was heard."
>"And what's that, sir?"
>assume Shia Labeouf stance
"JUST DO IT!"
>"I'm sorry sir, but-"
"Don't let your dreams be dreams."
>"Uh-uh-uuum that's really inspirational and all bu-"
"Yesterday, you said tomorrow, so JUST DO IT!"
>"I-"
"MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE! JUST... DO IT!"
>"Okay, sir, I get it, I should-"
"Some people dream of success, while YOU'RE GONNA WORK HARD AT IT! NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!"
>"Thank you sir. I'll remember that."
>And then he dashed off.
>But you weren't done.
>You still had an audience...
"You should get to the point where anyone else would quit, but YOU'RE NOT GONNA STOP THERE! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?"
"... DO IT! JUST... DO IT! YES YOU CAN! JUST DO IT!"
>Your audience is now on the edge of their butts.
"If you're tired of starting over, STOP GIVING UP."
>le Shia Squat
>You then bugger off to your house as the pones all gallop off and do pone things.
>Two weeks later
>The former town of Ponyville has grown to an enormous Metropolis
>It's comparable to Manehattan
>Applejack didn't like the change.
>It turns out that there were millions of (somehow edible) diamond pears buried deep beneath the city which had been rumored to be there for centuries.
>>27005725
>Nopony knows why they were there, but there wasn't any question that they should be sold to ponies all around the world.
>Local merchants have been making quite a lot of coin off of that.
>The pony you heard being referred to as Lyra became the first in the entire world to be a specialized Doctor for Humans
>So far, you're her only patient (and you hope it stays that way).
>And as it turns out, her friend, called BonBon, is now a very famous candy-maker.
>BonBon's Classic Shop is one of your favorite places to visit in the brand new Downtown Ponyville.
>Betapone ended up beating his dad senseless in two seconds flat (which was a world record), and then proceeded to fuck his mom so well that her vagina was numb for a week.
>Upon hearing the second part of that, you promptly proceeded to violently vomit out your own internal organs.
>Apparently he's now one of the town's best bodybuilders.
>Princess Twilight Sparkle is making a new discovery about the Magic of Friendship every fucking week, it seems.
>Each one is discovered as "Ground-Breaking" and "Extremely Important."
>Her Letters to Celestia are on National TV before even Celestia herself gets them.
>Also, there's a statue of you in the center of town.
>Has some of your famous words of motivation scrawled on a plaque at its base.
>But you know that those aren't your words.
>And at the end of all this, you got a new office downtown.
>It's kinda cute, with a nice big window and everything.
>On the window, are the words,
"Professional Help and Advice, 5 bits per problem,"
"Dr. Anon, PhD."
pastebin link: http://pastebin.com/qs5LwHNS
rate, comment, like and subscribe pls
>>27005752
the epilogue is too bizarre even for the rest of the green, either re-write it or cut it out. otherwise the green is entertaining; albiet a bit meme-y. but, i mean, where do i think i am right now?
>>27005845
thanks for the input.
when it comes to the epilogue, well, it's supposed to be lighthearted and comedic, but I guess i'll have to make sure not to make it too bizarre next time around.
>>27005752
I loved that Shia bit, hot damn fucker was inspirational.
I have some thoughts on this.
Kinda bugged me a little that Anon's using "Nopony". I know I'm not the only that cringes when an Anon uses that kinda language, in actual speech or in internal dialouge. Save that for the ponies.
Also, action tags like
>"...*sigh*... Lyra, I seriously want to strangle you sometimes."
That *sigh* is a lazy form of writing. You could've fleshed that a little more with,
>Xpony sighs, knocking a dent in their forehead from Lyra's blatant, relentless display of affection for humans.
>"Lyra, I seriously want to strangle you sometimes."
I found the Oedipus-esque ritual that stallion was talking about to be a bit odd, but funny in the same light.
I was taken out of the story a little from the fact barely just found out about Bits despite having been in Equestria long enough to be accompanying the Royal butts on trips I figured the Royal butts would be asking about his life and what is he going to doing for Bits and all that y'know? . And more to that, I'm surprised Rarity didn't go Rarity tier exaggeration from him not knowing about the currency.
What I did like is the effect of the Shia speech that pretty much turned on TURBO PROGRESSION MODE in Ponyville.
I liked that Anon was a bit of a sketchy kinda character, but his character needs more fine tuning.
I would love to see Anon using sketchy schemes to acquire bits, it's nice and simple, and a lot to work with. Maybe he has some set backs in other scheme, maybe he bumps his price for advice. Again, just suggestions.
I say as is, I would consider this a rough draft and would suggest going back to the drawing board, but that doesn't mean you don't have room to work with in this
All in all, it was -okay-
>>27005933
I'll make sure to remember these, thank you.
Now that I think about it, I might just plan a second Advice Anon green...
Also, how have you not heard of Stallion Ritual?
>>27006008
>how have you not heard of Stallion Ritual
I just haven't I guess? I usually lurk Flutterrape, a smidge of AiE and as of late the Dazzling threads. Never crossed paths with it
>>27006053
The attached cap is the original green from which Stallion Ritual originated. Read it, mein freind
>>27006111
Is my puter tarded or is there no cap?
>>27006123
woops, >forgot pic
>>27006135
What in the constituted fuck am I reading? Hahahhah
whoah shit i better bump this thread
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0WBpcCE6iYy
>glorified bump
>>27006795
ayyy
>>27006135
This premise is so bizarre, but good story
8/10 not enough motherfucking
I have a confession: I'm a narcissist who unjustly believes his work is better than the works of those around him, and gets incredibly jealous at other people's successes, while at the same time telling himself that he will never produce anything good or worthwhile and should quit while he can.
I oscillate between two extremes of either thinking incredibly lowly of others' works, and then of my own, and I'd rather not. Any of you guys got tips for this kind of stuff?
>>27007871
Get rid of that ego.
Stop being afraid to write stuff that might be shitty.
Your work probably is shit, but that shouldn't stop you from writing, how do you expect to gitgud?
Read others work and understand why it's popular.
After that, focus on working on your own stuff, to an extent don't worry about what their doing.
bamp
bimp
b
>>27006795
yooo
gettin' real bumpy in here
May I share more detailed episode summaries here?
>>27014052
this is not the place, try /mlpg/
>>27014052
Yes.
>>27014099
Let's not get hasty, episodes give writers more material to work with.
For example, "Maud Sense" is a thing. Glad we got more light shed on Maud herself
>>27007921
I'll try, man
>>27015010
I know it's not easy, but I believe in you
bamp
boop
bamp
bumos
Late night bump
>>26953138
Can I get a little feedback about a lewd I did? I know I got to write more and more lewd in order to get it all, I think 1 and a half month ago I posted here, not knowing there was a guide for clopfics.
>>27018265
shoot
>>27018265
go for it
>>27018265
do it
>>27018265
Just make sure whatever your posting is almost complete, if not done. Otherwise, you don't even have to ask.
>>27014052
You're allowed to post just about any form of writing. Discussing, as well as critiquing, literature is just another part of the guild.
Side note*
Noticed a lot of stories got posted in the last week. Did anyone not get seen to?
>>27020360
Trixie is adorable
bamp
>>27024122
Have a (You) Anon
amp
How do you pick up the pen to an old, unfinished, story? It's not even written in the same style and voice that I currently write in.
>>26953138
This is my own favorite story. Rate pls.
http://pastebin.com/dN3TPeZr
>>26998297
Hey, Good Time, I'm working on your critique right now. Be ready; it'll be up later tonight.
Just finished reading 1984
>mfw ending
>>26998297
I think, as a slice-of-life, this is doing a good job of keeping itself moving without resorting to conflict, which is pretty good for that genre of writing. A lot of SoLs revert to conflict in order to pick things up near the middle, when their characters suddenly turn out to be flatter than expected, and, not knowing how near the end of the story you are, I can’t say whether that’s something you should watch out for as well. If you are planning on having a conflict appear, though, now is a good time to start setting it up, because when conflict appears out of nowhere, it often comes across poorly.
Speaking of things appearing from nowhere, you’ve got your fair share. It started early, as it often does, with lines 34-43. Up to that point, you’ve been establishing who Anon is, and that’s fine, but jumping right into the magic units and numbers like that was jarring, doubly so when Twilight lights on the relevant question immediately, of whether Anon had magic back home. The conversation felt staged, because it just happened without any apparent build-up, either in prior speech or in character action. Twilight hasn’t even been in the story yet; she just showed up to start talking about the mathematics of magic. I think you would have been better off if you introduced the idea that Anon and Twilight were living together first, and that they both enjoyed exchanging information about each others’ worlds and cultures. That way, when the topic of magic versus technology comes up, it makes sense, because it’s another facet of the things they enjoy discussing anyway. 1/?
>>27026588
I think the bigger issue is on line 47; this is where it starts to move into issues of character, more than dialogue and timing. You took a good amount of care to make me understand that Anon is coming from a life of shitposting and memeing it up online, and that’s all I know of him in the beginning. When you said that Twilight’s innocent skepticism angers him, it seemed totally out-of-place. Why would a moronic shitposter care one jot about the validity of his world’s technology in the eyes of his tenant? Rather, why would he care enough for him to get legitimately mad at her? He reacts as though it’s a personal matter. I was tempted to let this slide as a kind of backwards way of introducing his knowledge of and apparent love for engineering and science, but that part of his character never really blossomed into something believable, and the reason is simple.
Where’s all the knowledge coming from? Some of it, I know, is common, or stuff you learn in school, like your subatomic particles and elements (of the periodic table, dammit), but how to make concrete? How to build a car, or the beginning of one? That’s more specific. If Anon is so smart, and if you’re planning on using those smarts for the majority of this story, why would you introduce that part of him second to the shitposting? If you want the joke to be the antithetical combination of engineer and Internet doofus, establish Anon with the part of his personality that you’re actually using in the story, that way the reader doesn’t feel surprised when the new and bigger characteristic comes to light. 2/?
>>27026603
This brings me to line 465, where you really shot yourself in the foot by saying that even average people know things that can revolutionize other places. I think you mean that most people know OF things that can revolutionize other places. If you dropped me in Equestria, I’d know a ton of cool things that could change their world, but that doesn’t mean I could actually create any of it, even if I had my own earthly tools. Everybody knows advanced technology, but quite few actually produce it; that’s why we’re not living in a cyberpunk wet dream right now. You’re removing the space between knowledge and experience, so Anon is creating all these technological marvels for his pony friends without any trouble solely on the basis that he understands the science that goes into them—and him being just a college student, too. That’s not how it works. Line 525 makes this even weirder, saying that he’s essentially doing this because he’s bored. Anon, the character introduced first as a shitposter, is staving off his boredom by becoming the engine of Equestrian technological advancement, huh? That’s kind of an overreaction, in my book. What happened to his drawing hobby?
Anon isn’t alone in this critique; I’ve taken notes on Twilight as well. You said when you posted this that you were trying to write Twilight as a reaction against people making her too contrarian to Anon’s intentions, and that’s as good a reason as any to write someone in a certain way, but you’ve taken it too far in the other direction with her. You went as far as making her into a good student, but you left all the other stuff out. I didn’t see her doing anything else, or ever being interested in other things, even her own world. Seems like, once Anon introduced her to his technology and science, she just latched onto it without any reciprocity or particularly detailed study. 3/?
>>27026624
She’s a busy mare, and a princess, so it seems weird to me that she’d be able to give Anon’s thing so much gusto right from the start. I can see why people go for a contrary Twilight. She’s spent her whole life living in a world where magic just works, so when someone comes along and tries to pick it all apart, I think she’s within her right to be a little testy about it. I can also see her being intrigued and delighted. What I cannot see is her just rocketing off with it and submitting herself to Anon’s lessons unconditionally. “Student” isn’t her only character trait.
If you want Twilight to show the same amount of initiative that she does in your present version, but avoid flattening her into the good student archetype, you can try having her turn the whole thing around on Anon, and try to explain why his “science” is just her magic by another name. While he’s tinkering with that engineering knowledge that he just so happens to have in abundance, she can be in her lab trying to recreate some of the things he’s described with her own pony magic. Then, when they compare results and notes and things, you’ve got a lot of potential for conflict and character development, as well as worldbuilding. They don’t agree with the ways they achieved their results; or one doesn’t approve of the thing the other invented; or one stumbles onto a discovery that the other sees as patently obvious, leading to condescension or accusations thereof. There’s manifold ways to deepen her character while still giving her that spark of inventiveness that you seem to want, but that’s all it is now: a spark. And a spark with nothing to build on is pointless. 4/?
>>27026638
One positive I have for this story is that I found myself liking Pinkie a good deal, and I don’t often like her. I think you used her cartoon physics really well, and, more importantly, with a lot of variety. Sometimes her bullshit can get old, because the author can only conceive one or two ways for her to act out, but that didn’t happen here. She was a very welcome note of brightness to this story, and I can see her being pretty awesome as things progress. Just be careful that she does not become your easy answer for whatever science problem Anon or Twilight has to later confront. She’s goofy and powerful, but using her as a convenient answer to a difficult problem is weak. I’ve seen that exact issue before.
Speaking of convenient outs for problems, I want to talk about line 702. It’s cute, but you’re blowing off a totally valid story question with it, and that’s no good. I think it’s a concern that’s worth addressing in-story, substantially more important than the similarities and differences between the worlds’ measurement systems, which I’d say should get a mention only. It’s not that I think the science behind her portal is going to be important in and of itself, but the inclusion of its explanation would say a lot about your characters, primarily that Twilight isn’t afraid of diving into a big lecture on the way something works. That is something she enjoys, remember, so having her zip it at this juncture is also simply not right for her. 5/?
>>27026649
Now, the portal. This is partially out of nowhere, but it’s not as bad as some things I’ve seen, and I’ll tell you why. You show Twilight working on an unspecified experiment well before the thing itself is unveiled, so I knew that there was some kind of surprise coming my way. However, I feel like you’re missing the other half of the build-up to her magical gateway. I don’t recall her ever giving a damn about where Anon comes from, outside of the technology there, and she certainly never spoke to him about whether he misses it there, or whether he’d like to go home. She touches these things right before showing him the portal, but that doesn’t count, because such discussions would make more sense in contributing to her motivation to build the portal in the first place. She’s already put it together when she finally approaches Anon about his home, and that seems poorly thought-out. The gesture is unsolicited, and, while it can be argued that she wanted it to be a surprise for him, and is assuming that he’ll like it, I’m not convinced that that’s actually it. She does not present it to him like one presents a gift or a surprise. She’s not acting like someone who’s been keeping a secret, and that’s exactly what she’d have to do for the portal to represent more than a sudden, semi-arbitrary twist in the plot. 6/?
>>27026659
Once he gets back home, you’re oversimplifying his time there. Paying for various services with a giant ruby is not likely to get him what he wants; it’s likely to get him nothing except the swift attention of the authorities. I feel like you know that; I feel like that’s the joke. If so, then… whatever. I guess there’s not much for me to say about it, except that it’s weird to have the single joke that isn’t a meme or one-liner in that place in your story. Lines 809-839, however, now there’s no reason for that. Why in the world should I care about his ice cream procedure, and why in the world would you choose to include this part, while telling me you’re omitting his interaction with Vinyl earlier on? On that note, that’s complete bullshit, you know. If you’re going to go to the effort to tell me that Anon and DJ Pon3 are meeting, you’d better actually write something for that scene, even if it’s just a couple summary sentences. Don’t just say that it happened and that you’re skipping it because it’s not important. If it’s unimportant, then why add it at all, and why titillate me like that?
That’s going to be my last big criticism. Now, it’s on to some details. On line 52, you say that Twilight doesn’t know what half of the stuff in Anon’s drawing is, but you write her identifying his airplane well enough, just by a different name. So, that ignorance that you claim in her does not ring true.
On line 128, I didn’t like that you spent all the time talking about measurements, unimportant to the story, and then have Anon nip out for ice cream right as the experiment we’ve been waiting for is about to take place.
On line 162, Anon’s declaration is too sudden and arbitrary, and where it leads is the same. Why are we jumping from the science of gravity to concrete? Moreover, it’s tacky to follow a quiet conversation like that with such an unrelated declaration. 7/8
>>27026685
I think line 206 is really transparent. What Twilight says should not be impressive to Anon or to me, because she’s just parroting back what Anon probably taught her at some point. There’s no way she knows what a Bose Einstein condensate is on her own, and Anon is the only possible source from which she could have gotten the term. I think you just want me to be impressed at your knowledge of states of matter, and are masking it with Anon’s reaction to her tiny diatribe.
Similar to line 162, I think Anon’s declaration on line 225 is coming out of nowhere, and doesn’t fit.
On line 452, I don’t believe what Anon says, that he thought his experiment would fail horribly. He’s never seemed that unconfident elsewhere.
Back to Earth, what’s the deal with the pontification at the end, on lines 849-862? It, similar to line 21, was out-of-place; it didn’t fit with really any kind of writing you had elsewhere.
In summary, your two main characters aren’t coming together very well. Twilight is flat, and Anon’s knowledge seems based on nothing firm, as does his motivation to change Equestria. The story is meandering a good deal, but that’s not as big a concern as for others, because this is a slice-of-life. A lot of things are happening suddenly and without precedent, which makes for a choppy plot, and is worsened by that lack of character depth. On a final note, as you already know, yes, your punctuation and spelling are atrocious. I suspect you’re just banging these stories out without review, because your sentences are structured correctly, for the most part, so I don’t think you have an actual problem with the language. If that’s the case, then for God’s sake, look over your writing before posting it. Quality is more important than speed, as people will tell you. 8/8
bumpski
writers' marks
bumpe
bampe
>>27024972
Will read
>>27024972
It's alright. You got some spelling errors you need to check out, and your occasionally switch from 1st and 2nd person near the beginning. Not sure what that's all about.
Just curious, is there anyone who has NOT had their stuff looked at?
>>27034635
Asked earlier to no response. Kinda going off the assumption that everyone has been seen to.
>>27034875
Yeah, I've been having a hard time keeping track of this thread
bampi
boop
bamp
>>27026692
I love when you do this.
>>27041782
me too
>>27024962
Please respond.
Safety
>>27026638
>. While he’s tinkering with that engineering knowledge that he just so happens to have in abundance, she can be in her lab trying to recreate some of the things he’s described with her own pony magic.
Holy shit anon that's a beautiful idea.
>>27026692
so, did you personally enjoy reading this? or was it painful to read, did these issues you highlight ruin the experience of the green?
>>27024962
>>27042524
Howdy. Personally, I would probably touch an old story once I got a few more stories under my belt, I would go back and say "hm, what was wrong with this?"
And should I decide go back for that story, I would take note of what was happening in the story, and completely re-write it.
It's a lot of work, but I've found when I go back, I would get different ideas or even improve the plot itself since I'll have more experience on where to go.
Just my $0.02, familia
>>27045053
Thanks, man
>>27045892
Glad I can help
Butt, butt butt, OPEN UP THE TIME CAPSULE
Hello everyone, I just writefagged for the first time on this (>>27042376) thread and I'd like to get some feedback.
here's where the green stars: >>27046840
if you guys want me to post the green here I'll be happy to do so.
>>27047757
Please do, it'll help keep the thread bumped my friend
>>27047757
>>27047803
>You are Anon.
>You just got back from a picnic with Fluttershy and her woodland friends.
>You were still wondering how she was able to understand all those different critters and how they seemed to understand you when all of a sudden, Pinkie Pie jumps in front of you making you loose your balance.
>"Hi, Anon! I have a thing to show you. Follow me!" she said very quickly.
>As soon as she said that, she started pronking towards Sugarcube Corner.
>You called out for her, still confused about what just happened but she payed you no attention.
>"Might as well see what she wants of me," you thought to yourself as you made your way after Pinkie Pie.
>Upon arriving at Sugarcube corner, you see a table completely filled with all sorts of goodies. From cakes to pies and from muffins to pop-tarts this place had everything you could imagine.
"Whoa, " you said as you saw the pastries. "Is there going to be a party? What are we celebrating?"
>"No, silly!" Pinkie Pie started, "This is for you!"
>You quickly became confused. You had been in Equestria for a while now, and the ponies you made friends with some times surprised you with gifts, but never nothing this big.
>You were aghast. It was difficult coming up with words to express yourself.
"F-For me?" you asked. "I know we sometimes exchange gifts, but this..."
>You were at a loss for words. Pinkie Pie was quick to fill the silence.
>"Oh, this is nothing. Just a little gift for my very best friend Anonymous. Nothing special."
>You were flattered but, something made you question:
"Wait... Best friend?" you interrogated. "Do you really see me like that?"
>"Of course!" Pinkie exclaimed. "You have come such a long way since we met. Back then you wouldn't want to talk to any of us and spend all day alone, but now you've really changed and I think it's only fitting we extend our friendship from just regular friends to besties!"
"Besties?" you queried. "I guess if you want that then I'm all for it."
(cont.)
>>27047810
>You made your way to the table and grabbed a slice of cake. By the color you guessed it was either banana or lemon, both fruits you quite enjoy. You raise the slice to Pinkie and exclaim:
"To friendship!"
>"To friendship!" she happily screams as you take a bite.
>You two spend the next hour and a half chatting and eating the delicious baked goods Pinkie prepared. You never hate cake that good, nor homemade ice cream that creamy. The food in your mouth felt like pieces of Heaven.
>Once you were full, you two spent a short while talking about all sorts of stuff. You talked about your friends, Equestria, the princesses, magic and anything else that came up. You were about to thank Pinkie for this wonderful evening when she stepped up to you and said:
>"This was a wonderful evening and I'm glad I shared it with you. But..."
>You could detect something was wrong. Pinkie's voice sounded dull. Like she was gonna say something she might regret. You quickly interjected:
"What's wrong? Is there something you want to tell me?"
>"I have a favor to ask you, Anonymous," she finally said. "I want to ask you a question."
"Oh, sure!" you said as you sat down on a chair. "Feel free to ask anything."
>Pinkie Pie moved with the speed of a hurricane. In less than a second she had locked the doors, turned the lights off, lowered the blinds, grabbed a spotlight, pointed it towards your face and turned it on. She moved close to you and, with the strength of full grown stallion, she shouted:
>"I want you to confess!"
(cont.)
>>27047823
>Sweat was running down your face. Here you were having the time of your life in front of your friend— No, your best friend, and now you're being interrogated.
>"So?" Pinkie asked. "I said I want you to confess!"
>You were trapped. There was no place you could go. Pinkie thought of everything. You know what she wanted you to say. The question is: Will you say it?
>The clock is ticking and Pinkie is getting impatient. She had been walking around you for quite some time. You couldn't take it much longer.
>"Well?" Pinkie questioned. "You know what I want to hear, so spit it out!" she yelled.
>The stress was too much for you to bear and so, not being able to hold it in any longer, you spilled the beans:
"I'm the one who peed in the water fountain! I'm so sorry. I really had to go and I thought it would be a fun prank. Please forgive me, will you?"
>Pinkie was shocked. She never thought you would be capable of anything like that. However, something told you this was not the answer she was looking for.
>"No!" said Pinkie as she shook her head violently as go erase some mental images. "That is not what I wanted. You know very well what it is I'm looking for, Anon!"
>You were baffled. That wasn't what she was looking for? You had no idea what else she could be after. Unless... Oh, no. Could she really be after -that-?
>"So?" Pinkie retried. "Are you going to tell me what I want or do I have to take extreme measures?"
>You really didn't want to say it. However, something told you you wanted to see Pinkie's 'extreme measures' even less; so, with all your breath, you splurted out:
"I'm the one who milked Milky Way while she was asleep! I just wanted to know what teats felt like, even if just for once in my life!"
(cont.)
>>27047834
>Pinkie was clearly mad at you. How could anyone do that to a poor innocent pony? However, that as well was not what she was looking for.
>"Anonymous!" she shouted. "How could you? Such a poor mare and you do these things! I never wanted to hear that! How... How could you?!"
"I'm sorry..." you sobbed.
>Pinkie retries:
>"About our friends. Twilight, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow Dash."
"Yes?" you managed to say in between sobs.
>"What do you know about them?" she questioned.
"Only that they're my friends and I really like them..." you answered, still sobbing.
>"And?" Pinkie adds.
"And I love them..." you said.
>"And?" she tries again.
"And, and... And I masturbate to them!" you shout while tears fill your eyes. Pinkie was aghast. She never imagined the things you did when you were alone.
>"You... Them... Ah... Wha-What?!" she is able to to ask.
"And I masturbate to you!" you added. Pinkie was completely bewildered. Lewd thoughts run on her head, thoughts she quickly tried to shake off.
>"I... I never thought... You felt like that. Towards us... Towards me..."
"Well..." you managed to say while crying. "Now you do..."
>"I'm so sorry I put you under so much pressure. I just wanted to know about why the others were avoiding me. I never meant to cause you this much harm," she said as she wraps her arms around you.
>"I'm sorry, Anon. I never should have put you under so much pressure," she acknowledged. "Here, let me walk you to Twilight's castle. And you can take some of the cakes too."
"Thank you, Pinkie. But I think I can get there myself," you answered. "And feel free to keep the cakes. I'm not very hungry."
>With that, you said your goodbyes and left Sugarcube corner.
(cont.)
>>27047846
>You were back at Twilight's Castle, ready to settle down for the night You decided not to tell anyone about what happened between you and Pinkie. It's best for everyone if what you said is kept secret
>You were about to lie down when Twilight knocks on your door. You invite her in. She is carrying a letter. She said it's for you and, although it doesn't say who wrote it you could smell the scent of cupcakes when you hold it. Twilight didn't seem to notice it. You placed the letter on your bedside table and told Twilight you'll read it in the morning
>After Twilight left it's just you, the letter and a little hooded lamp It was almost midnight and you decided to open the letter. The envelope's white with a light cupcake scent. As you open it, the smell gets stronger. Inside is a pink piece of paper folded into three parts. As you unfold you see balloon stickers decorating the edges of the paper The letter read:
>"I'm really sorry for what I made you go trough. I hope I can make it up to you somehow.
>If you want to be more than best friends, please meet me by the fountain at midnight.
>Signed: Pinkamena Diane Pie (Pinkie)
>PS: Attached is an object you might want"
>You looked inside the envelope. Surely enough, inside it there was another object: A square packet. You knew too well what this was despite not seeing one since you arrived on Equestria
>You thought to yourself: "What could she be thinking to be sending me condoms? She's not into me, is she?" You took a pause. "Is she?"
>You refolded the letter and placed it in the envelope. You quickly got dressed and pocketed the condom and the letter, and stealthily made your way out of the castle without waking anyone up
>You made your way to the fountain. Hard to believe you won't become a wizard after all. You wonder if horses counted. But that wasn't important
>On your way, you could only think about one thing. So much, you said it out loud:"I wonder if horse pussy smells..."
The End
>>27047861
Sorry for punctuation in this last one, I had to delete some periods so I could stay within the character limit.
Anyway, this is my first time writefagging so feel free to provide criticism even if negative.
Pastebin: http://pastebin.com/vC5xrbtk (embed)
>>27047871
Typing up some thoughts, gimme a little bit
>>27047871
Sorry for taking so long to respond, I was out grocery shopping.
Anyway, this little piece, while it was a little funny, could use some improvement with writing.
I've noticed a lot of writers starting out tend to go overload with ellipsis and using every adjective in the book.
For example:
>You quickly became confused.
These kind of sentences make me roll my eyes. It's a sound sentence, but it's the problem with writefags here nowadays, they don't take the time to let the characters do the picture painting for them.
They figured greentext is fast paced, so they'll give you the lazy gist of it.
What I'm getting at here, is flesh out your characters reactions.
Off the top of my head I would use:
>You tilt your head while observing the pastries on the table.
"What's the occasion?"
>"Hehe silly Nony, you should see your face right now! I didn't know your eyebrows can go up that high!"
>Still the confused demeanor is justified, no one just don't gets pasteries out of nowhere like this.
>Alright, Pinkie's up to something, wonder where this'll lead...
Again, just what I would do here. As for the actual story, I loved the fact Anon admitted to fapping to the mane 6 to Pinkie, she's such a blabber mouth without the Pinkie Promise oath hanging over her head, that probably could've lead to Dash and Applejack teasing Anon to his wits end.
At any rate, the little one shot got a smirk out of me, execution could've been better and various details could stand to be fleshed out more and away from classic greentext lazy fast pace writing.
I'm feeling a light 5 on this one, it's not terrible, it has its charm to it, but you've got a lot to improve on, Tran--SITION!Hope I wasn't too rough on you.
>>27047871
More good news is, this wasn't bad for first time green.
Stay away from the "stealthily", "quickly" and other various words that end in "ly", using them too often makes it tedious to read, and sounds at the very least cheesy when spoken out loud. Really cut back on that altogether.
>>27044891
>>27044994
Thanks, and you're welcome. Sorry to say, I didn't get much pleasure out of reading this. The issues I've brought up made it difficult to enjoy, or to take seriously, and the growing knowledge of what I would have to say about it did not help. Take heart, though. I critique to improve, not to beat down.
>>27018265
Shit, sorry guys. Almost forget I posted here
http://pastebin.com/C9JkeZP0
There it is
>>27049599
>>27049633
Thank you for the review. Looking back I see there I a lot I could have done to improve it bit I was trying to write this as fast as I can.
Also, English's not my main language and, despite being somewhat fluent in it, I don't know a whole lot of words.
However, I did spend hours reading about English grammar.
I'm happy you enjoyed it, and I hope this is the start of my future as a writefag. Hopefully in the future I'll become a lot better than what I am now. Anyways, thank you for the review, I really appreciated it.
>>27050653
I just realized I completely butchered that second sentence.
This is what I get by posting on mobile.
>>27050344
ah, there it is
>>27050066
s'fair
How transferable are the skills of writing and editing with one another? Can one's editing skills be vastly superior to their writing skills, or vice-versa?
>>27053608
That's a tough call, editing is meant to refine the writing of a story.
After you've done a lot of editing, you'll know what works in means of the technical, as in how words are used to tell a story, and staying away from tired tropes, especially the case when you edit other people's work.
Even with that knowledge, while helpful, your own writing skills can still fall short from one being too close to their own work, you won't be able to notice mistakes as quickly, but you do improve as a writer.
Did that make sense?
>>27050066
naw, its good, i have to really try to ever get rustled, besides. what kind of writer would i be to get angry or disheartened at a critique i asked for?
>>27050066
also, little guy, i noticed you had a qualm about the suddeness of the reveal of the magical portal. its hinted at in 214 that twilight was working on an experiment, and it's implied the only reason he doesn't know about it is that he doesn't care.
>"can I show you that experiment I've been working on now?" she says, with a hint of annoyance.
>eh?
...
"sqrew the experiment, twilight… no… no, I think its time we change the world; twilight, I mean, if that’s alright for you…" you smirk out.
just thought i'd let you know.
>>27054626
Sort of.
I'm gonna keep asking questions, because I like doing so, and I want to get all of you to start discussing things.
In what ways can you create value in your stories? Obviously, you can shoot for having good characters and an interesting plot, but surely there are other aspects of writing you can utilize to entice readers.
Now that I'm thinking about it, why haven't people used greentext for something that's all about imagery, and bringing the reader into the setting, sort of like Pilgrim at Tinker Creek?
Actually, I want to try something like this. Little guy, what would be your advice for going about this style of writing?
>>27053608
I think they are to a large extent, but there are certain aspects to both that do not factor in to each other. To be a good editor, you need to be good at understanding and explaining the importance of details that are not necessarily evident, whereas, as a writer, such details can be worked with based on a more undefined sense of intuition. Meanwhile, a good writer has to have a lot of creativity, and creativity isn't a big deal in editing. Plus, the writing styles themselves are frequently divergent, and it can be hard to switch between the two.
>>27055527
>>27055702
Okay, good. I've been told on multiple occasions that my critiques can be very scary, especially on that initial scroll down the page. I see what you mean about the foreshadowing; I took his lukewarm response to be preoccupation with whatever he was trying to teach her at that time, not that he didn't care. Interesting, though. It means more upon the second read, and I like that.
>>27041782
>>27041902
Me too.
>>27057064
One thing I try to do in my own writing, in addition to making interesting characters and a good plot, is create memorable and thought-provoking scenes. I love to put characters into situations that seem simple at first, but turn out to be much more delicate or complicated upon examination, and it's the exploration of these things that, I find, can lead to some really interesting theme studies. For example, in my own story, I do a lot of work with the differences between cowardice and knowing your limits, and the ways in which personal responsibility can change based on circumstance, all through character action and interaction. It doesn't necessarily need to be a long piece to do this, I don't think, though I've never tried doing so in a short piece. If your readers are seeing characters working through familiar issues and interacting in relatable ways, it goes beyond them simply being interesting or good. For a more plot-based approach, my first impulse is to suggest allegorical narrative, or the use of familiar structures to give your own story a sense of reckoning back to something bigger or more fundamental, like the hero's journey, or a theodicy.
Those are just extensions of the extant, though. One could try to create a memorable writing style, like writing a story entirely in the vernacular of the world they're writing about, and letting the reader slowly come to grips with that language as they muddle through the story. Dangerous business, but I have seen it here. There is, as you suggest, imagery as well; a beautiful and well thought-out location can be just as valuable. A world that feels like it's alive, and has been getting by just fine before the protagonist shows up, means a lot more to some people than an enticing plot or good characters.
>>27057064
I have never thought about writing something primarily composed of imagery, and certainly not in greentext. The first thing that's coming to mind is that you'll want to be careful not to fall into repetition too much. With something like this, with little to no action to break it up, you're going to rely on varying sentence length and a good vocabulary a lot more than you would otherwise. I imagine you're going to want to do a lot of research beforehand, so the setting feels complete. If there's some crucial component that goes mysteriously unmentioned, the story loses a lot of credibility.
Patience, as well. You need to be a patient writer, and not be afraid to linger on certain parts that you think are valuable. One thing I see a lot here is people rushing through certain parts of the green in order to get to the bits they think are more interesting, defeating the purpose of having those rushed-through pieces in the first place.
I feel like it's kind of obvious, but make sure your setting is unique. You're going to have a rough time turning Ponyville into pure imagery in an interesting way, because what is there for you to say that hasn't already been said? My suggestion would be to either find a setting that hasn't been explored much, or take a tiny part of a familiar place and put a microscope to it. Your character's house and yard in Ponyville, for instance, would be a good way to get around the Ponyville-as-a-standard-setting problem.
That's all that I can think of at the moment. I'd love to read this if you decide to write it.
>>27058183
>>27058274
Thanks, m8. Maybe I'll whip up something small in a couple weeks.
>>27058274
Ancillary question: what about actions? There's obviously imagery of the world, but do you think a story that has vivid description of a simple action, like two characters staring into each others' eyes, be effective?
>>27058639
No prob.
>>27059394
That's a big risk, in my opinion. Too much detail and embellishment of something that simple can come across as tacky. If you want to try it, you need to give a lot of meaningful, strong details without looking like you're trying to turn the scene into more than it is. The details you'll want will elucidate the scene, but not elevate it, and that's a matter of picking perfect words. I'm talking sentence micromanagement, and potentially agonizing for lengths of time over single turns of phrase. One wrong move, and the whole scene can wind up turning purple.
Any tips for a writer attempting to break from writing strictly seat-of-the-pants? I'm currently trying my hand at something and I feel like this is the most brainstorming I've done over my writing in years.
>>27059604
Outlines are amazing. Definitely something I've started to do once my seat-of-the-pants stories got longer and more complex.
What I do is I greentext out the outline so something like
>A goes home
>A sees B on way
>A talks to B
>mention X to B
Then tweak this until it's all good. Then I open a new tab and write out the story, looking to the left as a guide.
>>27059602
I'm autistic. Sentence micromanagement was what I was born for
>>27061833
>"Yes, this is a bump."
>>27062722
But is this a bump?Or a philosophical discussion in disguise?
>>27062722
Good pony bump.
So, I seem to have this habit of presenting ideas about stories, and people are genuinely interested in them, and then I end up turning it into shit. What gives?
>>27050344
Still waiting for some feedback
Just a little, I don't ask much
>>27067811
Oh, snap, I thought somebody already got you. I can have a critique for this tomorrow.
>>27067837
Okay and thank you
>>27067099
lack of practice?
>>27069240
Not him, but I could see that being the culprit.
>>27064479
~Maybe that's just a random bit of data we always find when we don't look for it?~
>>27070568
wat
>>27069240
Probably
>>27068013
Working on it now. Be ready.
>>27050344
This was kind of weird, but I think I liked more than I disliked. What I appreciated about this the most was its unremitting straightforwardness. It didn’t really beat around the bush or fuck around with attempts at a larger story, and, in this case, that’s good. Mixing narrative with lewd can sometimes stretch the story too thin, or screw up its tone, but this sidestepped that by staying focused on what it was meant to be, and I respect that.
Just like your story, I, too, will cut right to the chase. The largest problem is that there is a disparity between how you initiate the sex, and how you actually go about it. When the ponies are starting to get comfortable with each other in bed, there’s a very playful, innocent vibe to it all, with talk of cuddling and hugging, and nothing at all beyond that. As they discuss these things, they’re reacting and blushing and stuttering with each other as though such benign activities are intimate, and that lead me to stumble when we hit the actual sex. This is an issue that I think is independent to pony fics, the idea of the transposition of the innocent and lewd. I’ve seen authors treat things like snuggles and belly rubs as the ponies’ equivalent to penetration and foreplay for us, so I thought that that was what you were going for in the beginning of this story. 1/?
>>27075105
It’s one thing for the characters to start off one way and realize that they’re both more serious about the banging than they thought at first, but when the narrator is in on the act, it becomes less savory. Lines 44-45 express this pretty clearly. You’re mentioning snuggling and spooning, but not actual sex, and with the road from spooning to plowing muddied by this fandom’s semi-common juxtaposition of the two, I did not make the assumption that sex was where it was going. This wasn’t helped by your lighthearted writing style—I’m not saying it was bad to be lighthearted, but that style did nothing to set my expectations straight, and that made it really jarring when the cocks and butts came out, when all I thought I was going to get was some lightly homoerotic antics.
Even when things do get more serious, vestiges of that first tone remained, giving the sex an immature flavor that I didn’t like. For instance, on line 323, who gives a damn if he used a bad word? Why is that even worth mentioning? That’s the kind of concern a little kid would have, not a grown stallion, and certainly not a prison guard (I think you mean to call them guards, by the way; the warden is the one in charge of the whole facility).
To contrast, we have line 265, which is an incredible shift from their virginal approaches in the beginning. I have a hard time accepting that their comfort with sex with each other would change so rapidly. What I would suggest for all this is to leave their own uncertainties about the act in, but move to a more direct narrative style, such as you use when they’re actually having sex with each other. That way, the characters remain relatively innocent with each other at first without the whole story seeming to change tone halfway through. 2/4
>>27075124
If you wrote this for the Anon in Pone Prison general, a lot of this paragraph is going to not really apply. I can’t assume that, though, so I must ask: why would you put so much work into creating a unique premise if you’re hardly going to use it? The fact that they worked at a prison was in no way relevant, so why bother? You can have multiple Anons watching them do the nasty at the end some other, less wasteful, way, seems to me. Hell, it could be as simple as the two stallions being friends or neighbors, and everything starts when they’re discussing the new Anons in town. Or they’re servants in one of those contrived “Anon becomes an authority figure in Equestria” things. I’m comfortable suggesting totally different premises here because you seemed perfectly happy to just use yours as a framework, in which case, the specifics hardly matter, so you may as well go for something that requires less initial explanation. In the same vein, I wonder, but less so, why you would go out of your way to create a pair of OCs. There is a dearth of stallions in the canon, so I can understand being tired of the same tired characters, but, at the same time, a lot of people don’t like OCs, as I imagine you know. Personally, I think you could have found a gay pairing from the canon and freshened it up.
There were a couple pretty tacky bits in this. In the beginning, I thought all the stuttering was too much, and a cliché to boot. Lines 126 and 256 were just generally annoying to me because they were trying to be cute in the middle of a more interesting sequence of events. I have little patience for that kind of tomfoolery, and line 215 was making more of itself than it should have been. Nowhere else did you try to make this into some grand exchange of passions, so you need not dress it up with that little flourish. 3/4
>>27075140
Also, your wording could use some work. You were occasionally leaving out words, or phrasing things in more roundabout ways than necessary. Line 184 is a good example, if you’re looking for one. All that aside, though, I thought it was pretty good. I liked how direct most of it was, and I liked how unpretentious your sex prose was while still being descriptive. I liked the way you brought the Anons back into the picture at the last minute, and I wasn’t expecting it; it was a nice punch line to a quick bit of lewd. Your pacing was very good, and I was glad that you didn’t rush to the penetration, as so many others do. It could be better, but you did an all right job. 4/4
bum
>>27075124
> For instance, on line 323, who gives a damn if he used a bad word?
I can explain that. Those two characters are from the pone prison thread (like you pointed in 3/4), like a kindergarden prison, creatures who do a tiny crime like stepping on the grass are sent to prison, etc. That's why I added that.
>>27075140
Well about the gay pairing, I used them just because both are wardens, are from separate stories, but wanted to do a crossover thing, just for the heck of it. It was just a just for fun clopfic, I guess.
>>27075153
Well as I read in the manual of horse sex, I know I have to read it over and over again before posting it, because clop isn't so easy and this is like my fourth attempt in lewd.
Yeah, I think I should have gone more with innocence than going full "we know how to sex" thing.
I still got things to learn, but like someone here said before: "Go write more sex"
Thanks for the feedback, is really appreciated!
>>27075758
I understand, and it is for this reason that I wish I had that context beforehand. It's difficult to criticize something for a general that I don't belong to.
I agree, keep practicing. I'd be glad to look at more from you, if you return. And, as always, you're welcome.
Little guy out. Good night, thread.
>>27075153
I love to read these.
>>27071301
>pic related
>>27076916
Hey Fapman, where ya been?
>>27076965
Here, all the time, just lurking.
