>>25976873
I'm pretty sure I removed all the embed codes this time.

I had to trim some stuff in order to make room for the story description.

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>>25976873
>made before old thread falls off
>dat pic
>number in title _and_ pic
>correct featured story

10/10 man

>>25965742

http://pastebin.com/F6SiF0TW
Working Title: The Underground Trail

>The sudden disorientation from the blows subsides and you get a good look at the creature who attacked you.
>He's a white pony who looks like he's taken some steroids.
>His mane is is blonde but his buzz cut is styled in a way that looks similar to a humans.
>The sight is grotesque but you manage to keep a straight face.
>You notice small wings attached to his side.
>To your surprise, they look very real.
>It becomes impossible to suppress a giggle.
>He glares intently, “Something funny human?”
>You quickly stop laughing, seeing a remote in his hoof.
>Suddenly, pain courses through your chest again, much like before.
>The white pony begins to laugh himself.
>“This is pretty funny,” he snarls.
>Pain slowly begin to extend further up your neck and down your chest.
>“Enough,” shouts a feminine voice.
>The shock stops and the pain subsides.
>You're left on the ground, sweat dripping off your body, twitching, and gasping for air.
>“We need him to be presentable if he's going to sell,” she explains to the white pegasus.
>He grunts, “He's all yours,” and hands her the remote before walking back towards the truck.
>You mange to turn your head upwards and see the nurse pony.
>Sunlight hits her bright purple fur and pink mane.
>As she notices your gaze, her annoyed look becomes more gentle.
>“If you want to avoid being shocked, you should be a little bit more submissive,” she says.
>“What? Walking towards ponies and laughing is illegal?” you grumble.
>She sighs, “You don't get it, do you. You're a slave so you have to be careful about how you present yourself. You're also a human that's twice as tall as most ponies. If your owner sees you as a threat, you can expect your collar to come into effect.”

>>25977556

>There a silence for a moment.
>You carefully stand up as passively as possible, making sure to not face her.
>Turning to look her in the eye again, you ask, “This isn't real right?”
>Her concerned gaze becomes a confused expression.
>She slowly nods and replies, “What you're experiencing is normal. You will come to accept this reality though. There are many things enjoy in this world.”
>“You're kidding, right?” you accuse. “After that all that talk about being a slave, you're saying there are things to enjoy? Seriously?”
>“W-well,” she stutters. “Just don't give up hope, okay?”
>She turns and begins walking briskly away.
>“What?” you call loudly.
>The purple pony glances back at you before opening the door and entering the truck.
>You are left staring as it pulls out of the lot. A gate fence closes behind it.


Thanks to the wonderful readers who gave feedback. I'm still working on outlining the whole story but I have about two scene shifts planned out. I'm trying my best not to force or rush anything.

>>25965999

First, thanks for your quick and thorough feedback. I'd like to explain my thoughts on the points you brought up.

It's too bad the General and Doc felt forced. I believe intially I was going to have them already be in the room but I thought not giving Anon a chance to percieve his surroundings and instead open with their argument/discussion would be a turnoff to readers. As for the slave ramble, I won't lie, that was forced a little when writing. However, in a way Anon was just trying to force himself to think about something other than his situation. Though, the notion of being a slave stuck out in his mind and just had to digest it a little. Giving his perspective on those points could help fix some of those problems.

Going forward, Anon will be more active but to his knowledge everything he's seeing right now is some weird hell. (I definitely don't want to write a Mad Furiosa-- I mean Mad Max). It will probably start out Anon-sub due to his circumstances but I have plans have him be on both sides of the coin.

As for your suggestion, let's just say that she'll be making an appearance.

>>25976535

Thanks for your feedback. I've actually changed the direction of the story a fair bit because of some answers that I thought of for your points.

The exposition fairies are a bit strange and just poor in general. I'm still not sure how I can solve that issue even with an idea I have for it. Since they're such a big part of the early story, I'm a bit worried about changing it too drastically for contingency purposes. While Anon remembering how he got there is a possible alternative, it's intentional that he doesn't remember. Some things happened while he was unconscious from the fall that he wouldn't remember and other things happened that Anon just doesn't want to remember or even think about.

That's an interesting solution and it could be fun to write but it also presents some problems in and of itself. The other Anon's story appeared to be centered around that idea rather than the language barrier being an element of a larger story. Overall, the language barrier doesn't fit the rest of the story in a way that I can see.

>the callous treatment of what they recognize as a sapient creature that even speaks the same language as them doesn't make a lot of sense considering how griffons and minotaurs exist in this world.

>As it is, it doesn't feel like or evoke the Equestria setting at all. Not even with the talking horses of unknown colouring.

You're very right about that. The strange setting was something I noticed a while ago when I was starting. I wasn't quite sure what to do about it other than roll with and see where it took me at the time. However, after those two comments you made and considering the source material, I decided you were so right that there is now a reason behind it that the plot will likely explore.

I haven't read the Lyra story you mentioned but I can assure you that Anon is built and looks like your typical human male.

>>25977568
This fic is the exact opposite of promising.

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>>25978664

Dropping in some old stories that aren't in the pastebin:

Anon Gets Enslaved By Rarara
AKA: Anon Loses A Bet With Rarity
http://pastebin.com/6bLafhr9
By Writeslut !gMhsKvcgOE
2014 Nov 06
Anon makes a bad bet with Rarity, and has to be her slave for a week.

A short introductory chapter to an apparently abandoned story that I can't find on Writeslut's pastebin.

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What's the deal with the /MLP/ CYOA site, anyway? Is it more of a pastebin repository, or is it only for CYOAs? It doesn't seem to make all that much sense to me.

Also, linking to a Coco story there. It's not very cuddly.
http://anonpone.pineapplecomputing.com/pastes/story/YNCM3Mvq

>

>>25978941
Why?

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>Thread discussions why we could POSSIBLY have a bad reputation.
>Someone brings up that we tend to chase off new writefags for some reason or another.
>We can’t imagine why people would think we have a high bar for “bare minimum.”

>>25976161
>>25976309
>>25978941
My fucking face when.
At least ONE of you gave some sort of criticism.

>>25975641
(If you’re still here).
I thought the point of Flutterape was that they never (or very rarely) get to the actual >rape. If so, then of course this story’s welcome here.
As another Anon said, it had a rocky, and very meme-y start, but it IS starting to get good. Yea, his thought process seems a tad...accelerated (I’d hold off the self blame until AFTER the event, when the trauma is just sinking in), but eh, that can easily be remedied as he’s still in a panic. Are the other ponies going to back off, now that Lyra and Bon-bon have claimed Anon? Is he going to get revenge on Twiggle?
The lewd does leave a lot to be desired, but you said that was written by another Anon, so I won’t address it beyond that. I’d say...yea, tone down the memes, and, if you take suggestions, let’s see more of Anon, Lyra and Bon-bon’s warped, non-consensual relationship.


>>25977568
Some of the dialog feels a tad stilted, mostly from the purple pone.
>"you should be a little bit more submissive,”
The second half of this line jumped out at me as...off. I’d recommend reading the dialog (and just the dialog) out loud, or have a text-to-speech program do it for you, you'll see what I mean.

That second, the second post felt much better. The reality of his new situation’s juuust starting to hit him, the dialog flowed much better. I’m real interested to see how his sale is going to go.
You did a much better job showing, rather than telling us, this time around, too. Not too much for me to address that others haven’t brought up.

>>25983576


It's one of those rare moments when the note "Story is live!" from pineapple gets you pumped for not what you expected. However, having read that, i must say this post was worth reading nonetheless. Hope others give it a thought too.

This writefag's story is what made me visit this thread seriously for pretty much the first time. I tended to keep away from it and came across it only due to pineapple.

Hence, i need to ask..:

>>25979365

Would that pic imply there are any G1 stories around here? Won't lie i'm a sucker for such..

>>25983991
>"Story is live!" from pineapple
...Woops. I thought that would only happen if I linked to Punishment. Sorry about that.

>>25984110

Oh? I thought it was some sort of an automatic process that linked to the authors' links when headed by a certain name/trip.

I didn't mean to make an accusation of any sorts with the preceding post. If anything, i should be sorry, as it's been due to my misunderstanding.

In fact, i'm kind of glad it made me visit this thread. Definitely no harm done.

>>25983576
>(If you’re still here).
Well, I am now.
>I thought the point of Flutterape was that they never (or very rarely) get to the actual >rape. If so, then of course this story’s welcome here.
Yeah, that was my take too. Flutterrape is based on 'pone wants anon; fails to get anon'. Despite the name, rape (and sex in general) pretty much fails to happen.
Course the last time I checked was months ago, but whatever.

It is definitely moving fast, but then my biggest pet peeve about stories is when they take too long to get to 'the good parts', which here is all the rape and shit. I definitely need to find a better middle ground though.

Honestly, beyond Neckbeard's 'name', it didn't feel meme-y to me. I'm probably out of touch with maymays these days. The thread where that thing got wrote was the first thread I touched in the better part of a year.

Thanks for the feedback though.

>>25983991
>are any G1 stories around here
I haven't read every story that has been posted, but no, as far as I know, there are not.

Anyone got anything where the viewpoint character is mind-broke?
In the mood to think about my personality being erased for sex reasons.

>>25984928
both of the chrysalis stories have what you are looking for

>>25984983
>the chrysalis stories
I'm gonna need more to go on than that.

>>25985059
http://pastebin.com/Rjfa6Jug
Some ponies get mind-fucked by chrysalis and she then gets addicted to a love poison by Anon.
https://desustorage.org/mlp/thread/22102122/#22139854
Anon keeps Chrysalis as his prisoner makes her addicted to his love.
I didn't find the second story it in the pastebin, but I took the effort to find it in the archive. I hope it was worth it.

>>25985500
I don't really like how anon always triumphs.

It just me or is the thread autosaging? I ask because >>25986158 was posted 3 minutes ago and we're on page 8

>>25986213
you sure about that

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>>25984892

Aw shucks... thanks anyway though.

I'm not surprised, though a bit disappointed.

The amount of bondage as well as slave motives present both in the comics and the animated would make for some great inspiration; i'm convinced about it.

Posting a link, because the file size is over 4 MB. Example from the cartoon:

https://derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/5/20/329726__animated_crying_semi-dash-grimdark_g1_tentacles_scared_tear_masquerade_flories.gif

>>25985500

Oh my. I seem to recollect the latter of the two, somehow. I think i've encountered it off-site somewhere.

Also, checked.

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>>25986223
>Off by one.
I'm sure that >>25986158 had been posted 3-4 minutes ago and both catalog and in thread showed it on page 8.

It was weird and I've no explanation for it.

>>25986249
We weren't on page 8 when you posted is what I mean. You bumped it.

>>25986270
My browser showed page 8 even after refreshing before I posted >>25986213
Again I'm not sure why as the previous post had only been 3 minutes prior.

My guess is the browser hadn't updated yet.

>>25986291
>before you posted
>before

>>25986319
>Last post had been 3 minutes prior.

Either previous poster saged or as I thought the thread had been targeted for autosage and I was wrong.

>>25986375
point is you bumped.
not that complex.

>>25986503
Yes I bumped, but before I did that the thread was on page 8. Both on the thread indicator on the bottom right and on the catalog screen.

This and the last post having been only 3 minutes ago led me to believe the thread was on autosage.

I'm not sure how else to explain this, but at this point I'm guessing you're just fucking with me.

>>25986547
It's not that I don't get it, it's that you don't.
The moment you posted, the thread ceased to be on page 8, therefore your post was wrong.
It is not difficult to understand.

>>25986615
So you're telling me that the thread feel from the front page to page 8 in three minutes?
That's what you're saying?

>>25986640
I am literally saying the opposite.

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>>25976873

>Featured Story
>mfw

Also, my pastebin is updated. New section begins at line 585.

http://pastebin.com/wcXHMZkx

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>>25986239
>Those tears at the end when she gives up fighting and resignes to the rape

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>>25979365

>>25986249
Yes, I've seen page updates be stupidly delayed for some reason. It happens, checking the last post time is always handy on account of that.

>>25986239
>I seem to recollect the latter of the two, somehow. I think I've encountered it off-site somewhere.

There's an image cap of it that's floating around, gets posted occasionally. You might have seen it there. If it really was off-site though, then my work has started jumping sites now. Neat.

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Night bump. Also perhaps next thread image?

>>25977568

>The impact of her words hit you and you're left standing in puzzlement.
>Why does she even care about your situation?
>She seemed pretty trigger happy herself back in your jail cell.
>The concern quickly melts away as the savory scent of food hits your nose.
“Can't hurt to listen to you for once nose,” you mutter to yourself.
>The pleasant smell leads you to a building which was being swarmed by other chained creatures.
>Upon entering the room, you observe a glass pane and counter separating the room from slaves and well dressed ponies.
>You notice the food is being put through small pockets.
>The transparent wall reminds you of many tickets lined up in a row.
>Slaves do whatever they can to impress buyers.
>One pony presses her marehood against the glass and a group of aroused looking buyers reward her with some food.
>It appears to be an appetizing looking sausage.
>She turns, stares them in the eye, and brings it to her lips, slowly taking the length into her mouth.
>The scene disgusts you. Other slaves seem to glare at her.
>You rationalize that they must be feeling more hungry than disgusted but you've lost your appetite.
>Trays of food line the walls on the buyer's side of the room.
>Your side is lined with guards.
>After a few more moments, the guard closest to the mare taps her on the shoulder.
>She gives her audience a wink and blows them a kiss before following the guard.
>She leaves with a hefty amount of food.
>The guard escorts her out of the room and another slave takes her place.
>Similar performances are done by the other slaves.
>You consider walking out of the room but more slaves block your way, pushing their way for a chance to score food.
>You fall into one of the many lines of slaves.
“Would they really want to see another species' genitalia?” you ask yourself.
>Perhaps it's not the interspecies genitalia they're interested in but rather the degradation and shame of exposing it.

>>25990513

>Should you fall in and do what everyone else seems to be doing?
>They were getting food rewarded to them, some more than others.
>Food was something you wanted none the less, even if the performances were killing your appetite. You hadn't eaten since you first awoke in your cell.
>Before you know it, you're up front and given the opportunity to show off.
>Some that were standing away from the window and chatting among themselves seem to take an interest.
>You hear muttering between them. Their curious whispers question, “A human?”
>They quickly become more morbid as they await your activity.
>“I wonder if their penis is larger than a minotaur's.”
>“What would one taste like if you cooked them?”
>“Who here would ties this sexy human up?”
>You're appalled at their questions.
“Who the hell do you think you are?” you finally say. “How can a high functioning society even get away with this crap? Do you have no morals or standards?”
>Their chatter is muted and all eyes go to you.
>You decide to continue, “Do none of you have any humanity? Would you subject your children to this kind of treatment?”
>Some uncomfortable glances are exchanged. Some appear to become angry or simply amused.
“In my homeland, we had slavery once. When it finally ended, hate was shared by both groups of people. For a long time, it stayed near the surface and it took a hundred years before everyone was on an equal standing. Even to the day I left, a scar was left from all the hate and some still felt the echoes of the past.” You sigh and catch your breath. After a moment, you shout at the top of your lungs, “Is this really what you want to be? A society burned by hate?”
>There is a silence for a moment and it feels like everyone's eyes are on you.
>Eventually voices respond from the other side of the glass, “Shut up, slave!”
>“Take this one away.”
>“That's a wild one. He'll need to be broken strictly.”

>>25990523

>Among the displeasure and outraged voices, you notice one pony walk forward.
>His fur is dark beige and his blue eyes have bags under them.
>His black mane looks like it was combed back and treated with hair product.
>He dons a red tie with a dollar sign on it along with a white dress shirt collar.
>You watch in amazement as he passes you a biscuit through the window.
>None of the other buyers seem to bother too much as their attention appears to return to gossiping and watching other slaves show off their goods.
>A guard nudges you forcefully.
>You nod to the pony who passed it through and he smiles gently before stepping back seamlessly phasing into the crowd.
>You're escorted out of the building. Many may have disliked your speech and it may have even been pointless or nonsensical but one pony gave you food.
>However, the sense of pride you were feeling wasn't from the biscuit.
>It is from the chance he gave you.
>It was from his acceptance.
>You couldn't help but be happy and proud of yourself because of it.
“Never give up hope,” you echo to yourself.

>>25983576

Thank you for the feedback.

I tried both reading it out loud and using a text to speech application but it was really difficult figuring out what part of it felt off. I think it might have been the "a little bit" so I cut it out and tried the line again. “If you want to avoid being shocked, you should be more submissive,” she says. The main difference that I could hear was that it was more direct. I'm still not sure if that's what you meant but that's how I changed it in the pastebin.

Glad you liked the new post. I hope it all flows better from here on out. I've even been using text-to-speech on every line of my most recent post to help catch those double words and other mistakes that I don't always see. Hopefully this removes jarring grammatical issues and makes it easier to get into.

>

>>25991922
>bumping 30 minutes after a bump

>10

findom story

>>25990528
I'm actually quite enjoying this. It's a nice change of pace and I look forward to seeing where it goes.

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>>25988533

>>25993320
10/10, would purchase, rut, and breed both

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>>25993320

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I think I've figured something out.

We already know that we're not the edge general, we just don't have a lot of place for dumb shallow comedy.

When you've got short-form retard-on-peyote comedy stories popping through every couple of days, then the mood is a lot different than a thread that puts a heavy emphasis on coherent woldbuilding, characterization, and keeping a stable mood and tone in the work.

Dumb jokes are easy to crank out shitty one-shots for, and they seem to lighten the tone of the thread.

It's like a small child who likes watching overacted, exaggerated cartoons, who hates watching Star Trek: The Next Generation because it's so much more serious that it seems grimdark. Even when it isn't actually grim or dark at all, and is just normal people exploring glowing space rocks and having a chain of command.

I think that that's the element that's having one of the biggest effects on the different mood in this thread.

>>25995905
Dude, sometimes we're edge general.
And that's fine.

>>25996148
It's nowhere near as characteristic an element in this thread as people allege it is, though. Other threads also have their grimdark moments.

The bigger difference is that we have basically no lighthearted cracksmoker comedy, which almost all threads have from one degree or the other.

People aren't seeing the same kind of brights, so that darks look darker to them. A kid's going to hate eating as an adult if they're told that they'll never be able to have ice cream as a dessert ever again, and they'll think it's going to suck.
Anything done well can be good. A failure at a crack-humour story is at least mediocrely funny, but failure at grimdark triggers the sensitive tumblrites in the crowd.

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>>25995905
>we just don't have a lot of place for dumb shallow comedy.
>Pic related.
If that's the case, then explain why people like Olibird's green. People in this thread were falling over themselves over HKftS from day one.

>>25996199
While we're self analyzing, this thread is very much about character and world building and less so about scenes and situations, where most other green out there is the opposite (here's a sexy scene, who cares why it's happening just enjoy it). This might put some writers off because writing characters is generally harder than writing action.

>>25996292
Her Kingdom for the Safeword wasn't exactly a comedy. I recall several people complaining that they didn't like the edginess in it, when it was entirely justified and worked well in the context it was given.

>>25996300
>this thread is very much about character and world building and less so about scenes and situations, where most other green out there is the opposite
A big part of that is, unless you're using the main setting, it's really difficult to establish a "world" without really committing to a longer story, and still having the >lewd.

>>25990642
I haven't had the time to sit down and read your story until now, so forgive the late reply. I try my best to trip my first review for all our new writers.

>Universe.
This is an interesting setting, with what appears to be a technologically modern Equestria. It's nothing groundbreaking, but it's definitely done well. Perhaps moving forward, it would be interesting to see some "equine unique" technology? Grooming, or stuff like that? Just a suggestion.

>Intro.
The introduction with the Doc and General was very well done. I'm normally not a fan of modern technology ponies (trucks, microchips, etc), but this was tasteful. The dialogue and human backstory felt interesting and realistic. It established a universe without feeling forced.

>Slave Stand Scene.
This is where I think a few things can be improved. I feel like the dialogue for this entire section felt... forced. It's not the structure, so much as the content. Anon's Anti-Slavery Lecture seemed misplaced. I don't think anyone here honestly supports slavery, and I think we all have a reasonable knowledge of how it worked, and why it was wrong. To me, it felt less like a organic part of the scene, and more like a statement of morality. This is probably one of the most frightening and fearful moments in Anon's life, yet he has enough poise to recall 1800s slavery, and make an effective speech comparing social norms, and criticizing their culture's sense of morality? The way they all were a perfect audience by going quiet and watching? It felt... forced.

>Moving forward.
I think that, while the story is good, there is room for improvement. It's difficult to explain, but I almost feel like Anon isn't really /part/ of his surroundings. He's not scared, or uncertain, or afraid. Instead, he has an almost detached feeling, where he's able to think clearly, and act rationally in an alien setting. Did he know about ponies before this? If no, this would be a shock.

>>25996199
Dude, even our discussion is way too serious.
Like look at your post, and the assumptions and other bullshit it contains.
You know what most threads have? Memes. Humor. Lightheartedness.

>>25996300
That's not really endemic to the premise of 'bdsm ponies'. It's just kinda the culture in the thread.

>>25990642
If he did know about ponies, than certainly slavery would be a shock. He should be trying to learn, trying to protect himself, trying to fight, trying to keep his head low, trying to... /something/. Right now, it almost feels like he doesn't care about /himself./ He cares about the meta-argument against slavery. I want this Anon to live in the moment.

Then again, that's a very unclear and difficult critique, so I'm not sure how helpful it would be.

>Other, more tangible stuff.
If Anon is making a major analysis that's important to the story, try to make it longer, or at least feel more significant.

>You're escorted out of the building. Many may have disliked your speech and it may have even been pointless or nonsensical but one pony gave you food.
>However, the sense of pride you were feeling wasn't from the biscuit.
>It is from the chance he gave you.
>It was from his acceptance.
>You couldn't help but be happy and proud of yourself because of it.
“Never give up hope,” you echo to yourself.

This felt too short, and off pace. If I'd take a stab at it...

>You're escorted from the building.
>Judging by the glares you got on your way out, your speech ruffled more than a few feathers.
>Good.
>This ponies are fucking sick; if being reminded of that bothers them, that's there problem.
>...
>It probably doesn't matter anyways.
>No doubt they'll still give food to whatever poor mare shows them her pussy first.
>...
>You look down at the biscuit the stallion gave to you after your impromptu speech.
>It's cold and hard, but presumably, it's edible.
>You take a bite.
>As you chew, the stale taste doesn't even cross your mind.
>What /does/ enter your thoughts is the stallion.
>Of all of those ponies, he was the only one who even acknowledged your rant.
>But why?
>Was he mocking you?
>Teasing you?
>...
>Did he actually believe in what you said?
>...
>You take another bite, slowly eating your first meal in days.
>It taste... good.

>>25990642
I'm getting long-winded at this point, but you get the idea. Don't be afraid to slow things down for the important parts, and allow the reader to really experience the moment. In my opinion, the plot is only 1/2 the battle, you need to allow your reader to understand the characters, and their emotions.

>>25998302
That was actually my point. This thread seems to tear apart stories if there isn't a deep character backstory and larger established world around them. I'll admit such stories are generally better, but they raise the bar for what's considered acceptable green here.

>>25998013
>unless you're using the main setting
Not so. Safeword, Vaughtag's stuff, and I'll say Mouth of Anonymous also, don't rely on the main setting.

They work out just fine with minimal setup and worldbuilding. At most, Mouth of Anonymous just needs a couple of sentences to explain why the Mane Six aren't doing their hero squad thing in the story, and it's done. I may be misremembering how Vaughtag built things up.

Plus, Proportional Punishment is developing at a decent pace without feeling like long exposition dumps.

>>25998271
>You know what most threads have? Memes. Humor. Lightheartedness.
Threads that don't have a lot of these things are not edgy. Edgy means that something contains a lot of a specific kind of content, not /not/ containing a specific other kind of content.

>>25998302
>Thread generally prefers depth and solidity than memes and humour
That *still* doesn't mean that this thread is grimdark. I know that you weren't making that assertion, but I'm trying to find new angles to use to beat down the "edge general" assertions.

>>25985500
>http://pastebin.com/Rjfa6Jug
He is coming back, right? He came back last time after a year of silence, he'll come around again, r-right?

>>25998869
Of course he will, just like MrNameless.

>>25990642
>“If you want to avoid being shocked, you should be more submissive,” she says.
This is not a natural-sounding line. You need to come up with natural-sounding ways for people to say what you want, or else make stilted, awkward-sounding speech a part of their character, like Luna or Uncle Iroh from Avatar.

"If you don't want to be shocked, be more docile and don't make any sudden movements." is better. It still sounds a bit stilted, but it sounds stilted in the way that a police officer is telling a civilian that they just tazed how to avoid getting attacked again. Like they're reading off an often-repeated script.

What is your first language? Do you speak this often? Do you speak any other languages as often, or more often than english?

How much regular face to face conversation do you get? Things like meeting with people to play a card game, or chatting over a barbecue.

Hell, how much native english television where the characters talk about things amongst themselves do you watch?

>>25990523
>“Who the hell do you think you are?” you finally say. “How can a high functioning society even get away with this crap? Do you have no morals or standards?”
>>Their chatter is muted and all eyes go to you.
>>You decide to continue, “Do none of you have any humanity? Would you subject your children to this kind of treatment?”
>>Some uncomfortable glances are exchanged. Some appear to become angry or simply amused.
>“In my homeland, we had slavery once. When it finally ended, hate was shared by both groups of people. For a long time, it stayed near the surface and it took a hundred years before everyone was on an equal standing. Even to the day I left, a scar was left from all the hate and some still felt the echoes of the past.” You sigh and catch your breath. After a moment, you shout at the top of your lungs, “Is this really what you want to be? A society burned by hate?”
This bit, especially, feels stilted and unworkable. No lead-up or foreshadowing at all.

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Goodnight everyone.

If the whole edge conversation from earlier is any suggestion that we become more like the white Knight general, then count me out. Have you seen the nonsense they have going on?

Random anonymous starts up a AJ story that goes straight into rape territory and they freak out to the point that all the wk writefag came out in droves to try and push out the other writefag.

At this point they have three different threads and it looks like one will finally win out, but is that the kind of audience we want here?

I don't know senpai.

>>26001798
Well, you can have soft/consensual without white knight.

White knight implies some injustice being fixed by anon, and since much of our fantasy here is injustice, I think it would be hard to pull off.

Too consenting ponies having fun could be good, but this thread seems to not be a huge fan of that on it's own. Shame cause I enjoy the softer warm fuzzy stuff as much as the edgy borderline torture-porn stuff.

>>26001798
There's a white knight general? Are you talking about the Slave Ponies general?

>>26001825
>Too consenting ponies having fun could be good
Standard agreeable sex isn't bdsm.

This is like a bdsm "scene" without the "we're just role-playing" element.

>>26001908
I agree it gets a bit story in story-ish, but I feel like the actual out-of-character relationship can add a lot to a story.

A good example I would put forward is the Twilight's Pet comics.

Yes, some people are in it for the fantasy scene (in which case adding a consentual wrapper adds little), but some (and judging from this thread the minority/possibly only me) get something out of seeing a healthy BDSM relationship evolve.

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>>26002020
Forgot appropriate pic

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>>26002020
That sounds kind of like the people who want to roleplay a trans character in a tabletop rpg, rather than just as whatever gender they want.

>>26001798
>the white Knight general
There's one of those now?

>>25957777
Still lurking, nothing the thread did (or didn't) do, but I think that writing contest awhile back burned me out (not that I was ever a frequent contributer).

Anyway, on the subject of Ow The Edge, bumping with a quick two-poster.

Not really seeking serious feedback on this, but certainly welcome.

---

>The otherwise dimly lit room is bathed in a soft glow, moving colors reflecting across every surface.
>Ennio Morricone's tinny soundtrack pours from the speakers as the trio face each other at Sad Hill.
>Ah television...
>Of all the great modern luxuries, this is the one you miss the most during your trips to Equestria.
>You've been back for several months now, but the renewed novelty still hasn't worn off.
>Idly you reach down to pet the yellow pegasi who's head rests in your lap.
>Fluttershy.
>She flinches briefly as you make contact, but quickly relaxes, allowing you to run your hand down the length her back.
>A smile forces itself across your face.
>You have to give her credit, she really is trying.
>Laying there so contently, she's truly adorable.
>In time she'll make a lovely pet for one of your clients.
>For now though she's all yours, and you can't help soaking it in.
>The peaceful illusion is broken however as Blondie rides off into the distance.
>Despite nothing in her former life preparing her for the wonders of television, she had quickly developed that same sense intuitive to most humans.
>The movie was almost over.
>Even before the credits start you can feel her body stiffening, her head shifting uncomfortably against your thigh.
>”M-master, are we going to watch another one after this?”
>Your hand brushes softly through her withers in an attempt to comfort her as you confirm her fears.
“I'm afraid not my pet, it's already later than either of us should be awake.”
>It's true, you'd forgotten how long this movie is.

>>26003428
>You wait a few moments before reaching for the control, not looking forward to the inevitable nightly exchange.
>As she climbs off your lap you can already see moistness forming in the corners of her eyes.
“Alright Fluttershy, you know the routine, time for bed.”
>She manages to follow obediently beside you for the entire length of the hallway, making it into the actual room this time.
>”M-master..”
>You grimace as the waterworks begin, her eyes fixing on the carpet as a sharp sniffle escapes her.
>Kneeling down you place your hand gently on her shoulder.
“Fluttershy?”
>You wait patiently for her to compose herself a bit.
>After a minute or so she finally looks up and manages to make eye contact.
>”I-I've been good, haven't I?”
>You manage an uncomfortable smile.
“Yes Fluttershy, you're doing very well and I'm proud of you.”
>She takes a stuttering breath.
“Someday you'll be allowed to sleep in my bed, but not quite yet.”
”Not until you've fully accepted your new life.”
>”B-but I have, I-I'm your pet, I've done everything you've asked.”
>”I-I don't u-understa..”
>Her voice trails off to a gentle resigned sob.
>You can't help letting out a muffled sigh.
“I know you have, you've done nothing wrong, but these things just take time.”
>With that you rise to your feet, signaling the end of the discussion.
>She slowly makes her way to the small wooden box in the corner.
>It's not too small of course, apparently that'll drive a pegasi completely insane.
>No, there's plenty of room to move around, and it has a few blankets, and of course some discrete air holes.
>It's about as comfortable as a wooden box can really be.
>She always looks at you as you close the lid, right to the last moment, for comfort or maybe hoping for a reprieve.
>Those eyes, it really does break your heart.
“Goodnight Fluttershy.”
>..
>There's not a sane man out there who wouldn't call you irredeemably evil.

>>26003433
>I mean you kidnap magical creatures from another world for a living.
>You bring them here, brainwash them and then sell them.
>Even the more messed up religions of the world send your ass straight to hell for that kinda shit.
>But you'd be lying if you said sleep was easy.
>Some bits of morality still clinging to life, and the sobs echoing through the room are chilling.
>Inside that box you know what she must be going through.
>Without the distractions of the day, without anything else to focus on, she's left only to her thoughts.
>Thoughts of her former life.
>She'd worked hard to push it all down, to be what you wanted her to be, but alone in that dark silence it would rise back to the surface.
>What were her friends up to? Were they looking for her?
>Who was taking care of Angel? Would he think she'd abandoned him?
>As the sobs grow in intensity it takes restraint not to just let her out, to let her cling to your side for tonight as you share a good nights sleep, but you know she has to get over this.
>Eventually the sobs do peter out as you both manage to drift off.

>>26001798
I haven't seen anyone seriously put that forth. I have seen rapetrain'esq advocates suggest that's what's going to happen if we don't immediately pick up pokers and go full Eli Roth.

>>26002042
I would like this comic so much more if they didn't all have retarded hairstyles.

>>26001798
>If the whole edge conversation from earlier is any suggestion that we become more like the white Knight general
See, I was thinking more like the Lyra Bon-bon >rape story at the end of the last thread. Yea, alright, it's not super serious, but so what? It has >rape, it has jokes, it could have feels...so why the hell would we want to chase stories like that OFF? Is it just sub!Anon triggering you guys?
There's a very, very big difference between Bluebird and Skittles, with plenty of room for stories to grow without going full white knight. We don't need to turn into those guys while still lightening up.

>>26003441
>azenanon's back.
Fuck. Yes. Sorry the contest burned you out. Any hope of ever seeing the end of Fluttershy's Session?
I don't think this was Ow The Edge at all, that'd be if he kept her in the box 23 hours a day.
It managed to be adorable and feelsy at the same time. That box is juuuust the right level of cruel for Flutterbutter. I know you aren't seeking serious feedback, but I really loved it, nothing felt forced, and all your descriptions were spot on.

>>26003441
Huh, gentler-trainer anon? This is a new face.

Good thing to see you back, though. Sorry to hear you got burnt out; hopefully it's not too pressuring to say I'm really looking forward to seeing more from you.

>>26003658
>It has >rape, it has jokes, it could have feels...so why the hell would we want to chase stories like that OFF?
It has serious tonal inconsistencies. Those are some hard words, so I'll put it simply: the funny and the mean parts of it don't fit together. You CAN fit funny and mean in the same story, but there has to be a bridge of some kind connecting the two moods. This story tried using a salvaged flutterrape chassis and went directly to lifetime movie of the week self-pitying, while still having bits of the wacky comedy here and there.

There were decent elements of the story but the assembly left a lot to be desired.

It was also filled to the brim with le epic memes, which really didn't help.

>Is it just sub!Anon triggering you guys?
Try reading the feedback for that story. Absolutely no-one was complaining about that aspect of it.

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Going up.

>>26008317
>super qt13.3 ctrl-f pone gets on a lift with you in equestria
"Going up"
>you have aprox 2 minutes alone with the pone to make her attracted to your hot strong human body before the lift reaches the top of the tower or you'll probably never see her again.
what do?

>>25942917
>Anything, huh?
>Your mind races at all the endless possibilities.
>Something to magically isolate Luna, or a REAL weapon to replace your spear, or even something from Earth would be wondrous.
>Shock collars, various implements of “persuasion” would all be incredibly useful.
>Although, maybe you should go for something for Cadance’s comfort...yea, it’d be manipulative, but it’d help show that you aren’t out to just torture Celestia and Luna.
>Or you could get something to eat...no, that’d be stupid, anything consumable would be a waste.
>You could even get a...or maybe even...
>You...are...you are hungry.
>Far too hungry to think of anything useful right now.
>Any idea of that critical tool that could change everything slips away, devolving into something that would no doubt fill your empty belly.
“You know what? I just want a big crate of food. That both of us can eat,”
>You hastily add that last part, pointing at Cadance, who is still frozen in horror.
>As if to emphasise your point, your stomach growls audibly.
>Discord’s face falls, his ears pressing to the back of his head, “Surely you can’t be serious?”
>...No. Screw him.
>He’s probably set you back to square one with Cadance, you aren’t going to finish the joke he set up.
“Yes, I most certainly am. Right now, what I need more than anything is more time, and this is the best way to get it. Unless YOU want to come down here and help out yourself...”
>He slumps a bit once he realizes you refused his bait.
>Your sour mood has the opposite effect on Tirek, who grins and clasps his beefy hand over Discord’s shoulder, “Oh, don’t tempt me, Anon. Seriously though, FOOD?”
“You’re gone two years and you’ve already forgotten what it’s like to starve? YES, food!”
>He shrugs, “If you want. I suppose I DO owe you for all the help you’ve given me. Hurry up, Discord.”

>>26008773
>The scorned draconequus snarls out, “Oh, FINE!” and grabs ahold of one of Tirek’s curved horns.
>The two of them glow orange as Discord raises his eagle claw, ready to snap it.
>A look of exertion grows as he seems to strain to complete what should be a rather simple action.
>The orange aura grows brighter and brighter, Tirek soon joining Discord in looking...well, alright, he just looks rather constipated.
>Finally, there’s a loud pop, before a large crate appears in the air.
>Before you can react, it crashes down right on your combined beds, the sides splitting open as it lands, causing various foodstuffs spill out.
>...He did that on purpose.
>But your mouth is already watering as you see meat, vegetables and...some weird bread-y looking things spilling out all over your floor.
>You know what? You don’t even care.
>This is enough food to last for a month, easy.
>”There. Is the most boring human in Equestria happy now?” Discord spits out, sulking like a child.
“Yes. Very.”
>You won't even turn around, instead approaching the smorgasbord cautiously, as though it might disappear if you move too fast.
>”Good,” Tirek sounds almost out of breath, “then we expect results, human. Soon.”
>The sound of the portal closing echoes through the room, just in time for you to snatch up one of the bread-y things.
>You barely register how sweet it is as you practically inhale it, quickly moving on to something that looks like jerky.
>Pausing before you pop that morsel in your mouth, you look back at your guest.
>She’s staring off into space, her pupils pinpricks.
>...Oops.
>Consuming that jerky, you reapproach her, crouching down and resting a hand on her back.
“Hey. You alright? I know they’re uh...not the greatest individuals.”
>Her voice eeks out, barely above a whisper, “They’re destroying Equestria...and...Shining… They...he...”

>>26008793
>Tears well up in her eyes, her situation quickly proving too much for the traumatised mare.
>...Fuck.
“Look, I don’t have anything to do with what they’ve been up to. But hey, you saw they at least sort-of respect me. When we get out of here, I won’t let either of them mess with you, alright?”
>”But...what’s the point? Equestria won’t be any better than it is here…they turned all my friends and family into playthings.” Her voice cracks.
>You grab her in a hug to hold off those tears, petting over her mane as you did last night.
>...It’s probably a good thing those two weren’t able to get you out right now.
>You’d probably have tried to beat some sense into the two of them.
“They’re just going a little crazy now that they’re free. I know them, they just need a little while to get it out of their system, then things will go back to normal...ish.”
>It’s technically true!
>Just…“a little while,” is relative, when you’re immortal.
>Cadance doesn’t respond, but she doesn’t break down, either.
>She needs something to distract her.
>Reaching your foot out, you snag a particularly juicy looking fruit and nudge it over to you, not breaking the embrace until you can grab it in your hand.
“Hey. You hungry?”
>She shakes her head no.
>Apparently she’s gone nonverbal.
“You sure? Not even a little bit? You don’t even want a bite of…”
>You glance at the fruit you’re holding,
“Apple?”
>..Wow.
>There’s more kinds of food than you remember being possible right in front of you, and you offer her some plain fruit?
>She hesitates, however, and there’s a flash of something in her eyes...nostalgia perhaps?
>Whatever it was, she nods.
“Can I borrow your knife to cut it?”
>She nods again before lifting her wing, the knife slipping out and clattering on the ground.
>Wow.
>You thought she left it with the net...was she ACTUALLY planning to stab you in the back?
>After all you've done for her yesterday?

>>26008807
>Either way, you grab it and quickly cut the apple into chunks.
>Holding one up to her mouth, you say,
“Open.”
>She complies, gingerly taking it from your hand.
>Luckily, you don’t have to help her chew it.
>Waiting until she’s swallows, you hold up the next piece, repeating your command.
“Open,”
>You go through the same act over and over with every piece, your guest never once trying to take the food herself, always eating from your hand until there’s nothing left but a core.
“Feel a little better?”
>She nods once again, the dam behind her eyes no longer threatening to burst.
>Standing up, you pat her withers.
“Come on, then. Why don’t you pick out your favorite foods, and we’ll make sure to set them aside for you.”
>”O-okay, master.”
>She climbs to her hooves, her legs just as unsteady as her voice as she follows you over.
>The two of you sift through the various foodstuffs which have made a nice pile in your room, with you periodically holding up something to either get a shake of rejection or a nod of approval.
>Once you’ve made a decent-sized pile, your guest speaks up, her voice still a tad unstable.
>”I can give some of this to my aunts to eat too, right? I know that cake’s aunt Celestia’s favorite flavor...I’d really like to give it to her, master...”
>...Crap.
>You still haven’t been able to figure out what exactly to DO with those two.
>’It would do her some good to learn what it is to want’ were Luna’s words…
>She didn’t know you were there, she wouldn’t have had any reason to lie.
>You look up at your guest, her eyes pleading for you to grant her this bit of normalcy.

>>26008823

So, here's what we do. We deny Celestia the cake, but make it her fault. Bring her the cake, but set a condition that seems rational but Celestia will find impossible (we can discuss exactly what - I'd recommend apologizing to you; it seems simple, but her pride would seem to heavily interfere with that). Have Cadance keep quiet - keep her influence out of the situation - but let her see Celestia be so inflexible, so unwilling that she wouldn't even do something so simple to gain your assistance.

...and then hug lovehorse. Hug her hard, and reinforce that you are by far the best of your little trio of villains to be stuck with.

Alternatively, we can extract some promise from Cadance beforehand, then do one of two things with it when Celestia refuses. One, actually hold Cadance to her promise and make her more dependent than just as our guest... or two, 'mercifully' decide to grant Cadance a reprieve and paint ourselves as the 'better person'.

Up from 10 again.

>>26003658
>>26004684
Thanks for the kind words.

>Fluttershy's Session
It'll (probably) happen some day, I definitely want to finish it and I was reasonably close. No promises though.

>>26008773
>“You know what? I just want a big crate of food. That both of us can eat,”
There's a certain kind of magical artefact that's basically a roast that will never run out no matter how many pieces you cut off of it. There are also versions that have a decent stew in them. Meat and potatoes.

An unlimited food source, but it only gives out sustaining peasant food, so the rich fucks who had it in the story I read it in didn't care for it.

I guess this might be our fault for not flooding the thread with suggestions. In my defence, I spent most of the time catching up on the threads I've missed.

>>26009141
What are we going to do about Luna, though? That's the mystery element. Any suggestion is going to have to be based on a number of assumptions.

>>25983576
>I thought the point of Flutterape was that they never (or very rarely) get to the actual >rape

>>25984393
>Yeah, that was my take too. Flutterrape is based on 'pone wants anon; fails to get anon


You don't read much flutterrape do you?

The premise of the thread is (usually light hearted) premise leading to ponies going after anon's dick. In the longer multi part stories there is almost always a rape scene or more and the consequences of said rape are explored. Sometimes it results in serious drama other times the issue is glanced over to focus on whatever fetish is being showcased.

Even in the smaller one shit ones which normally do follow the outline you gave have actual >rape scenes in them though they are almost always comedic and jokey.

To the dude who wrote that it wasn't bad for a first go, but you need to understand that the setup in stories is the reason a lot of people read fanfiction instead of ya know just masturbating to come clop pic. Its the tease, the build up, and the reinforcement of the illusion of real true to the part characters interacting with you. By cutting out the build up to "get to the good parts" you are essentially making he good pars not good or significantly less good then they would have been.

And at the risk of pissing off Oilbird and potentially driving another writer away. I'm going to have to agree with those other anons. As someone who read and reads a lot of Flutterrape what you posted was basically Flutterrape. In fact I'm pretty sure I've seen this exact prompt of "Twilight tells other ponies human's reproduce only through rape thing" in several variations before.

I know I haven't come out with an update in a couple of days. It's because I've realized I've been going too fast with the plot and forgetting about poor Anon. So I was just taking some time to read and process criticism.

I'm currently split on whether I want to rewrite stuff or keep pushing forward. I'm sort of leaning towards pushing forward because there is already a direction and specifications to that where as if I rewrite one thing, I kind of feel like I should just rewrite it all because it could all be improved.

For now, I'll just reply to responses I got with a clear (but slightly tired) head. I think I'll write some new stuff afterwards and put it up on the pastebin but I don't really want to post anything tonight (for fear of falling into the same mistakes).

>>25992199
Thanks for the encouragement. I hope I can keep getting better and make the story as enjoyable as possible for you.

>>25998054
>>25998353
>>25998387

First off, wow, thanks a lot for the deep review. You really covered your bases. I'll try to go through every point with my most recent perspective on the story. (This reply will also be multi-post).

I really hate to say this, to the point where I almost don't want to, but the way I envision technology in current Equestria is equivalent to show Equestria. There is an explanation I have for the modern technology that has appeared thus far. While the explanation for modern technology isn't directly hinted at, you might be able to piece together why it's there from context when its used. I hope that response doesn't totally obliterate what you were praising. :^(

I'm a bit surprised by this as every other review I've received said Doc and the General were forced as fuck. I'm glad you liked it though because I spent the longest on that part, easily, relative to everything else I've written. As for everything else mentioned, I know it's been a bit of a bumpy ride, but I'm glad you felt it wasn't forced.

This part is a bit more complicated to explain because for the most part, I agree with you (hindsight is a bitch with realizing how forced it was). However, the main problem I see looking back through everything is really not analyzing Anon's emotional state. With everything else, people can have their own perspectives on a scene being good or bad but with Anon's feelings, you can't because I failed to really explain. I've hinted at indirectly with thoughts and some dialogue but I've failed to really get it across. This is the first time I've written in second person so conveying all the information I want is way more challenging than if I were to do a third person story IMO. The physical structure of greentext also throws me off too as each line is usually one sentence.

>>26013714
First off, wow, thanks a lot for the deep review. You really covered your bases. I'll try to go through every point with my most recent perspective on the story. (This reply will also be multi-post).

I really hate to say this, to the point where I almost don't want to, but the way I envision technology in current Equestria is equivalent to show Equestria. There is an explanation I have for the modern technology that has appeared thus far. While the explanation for modern technology isn't directly hinted at, you might be able to piece together why it's there from context when its used. I hope that response doesn't totally obliterate what you were praising. :^(

I'm a bit surprised by this as every other review I've received said Doc and the General were forced as fuck. I'm glad you liked it though because I spent the longest on that part, easily, relative to everything else I've written. As for everything else mentioned, I know it's been a bit of a bumpy ride, but I'm glad you felt it wasn't forced.

This part is a bit more complicated to explain because for the most part, I agree with you (hindsight is a bitch with realizing how forced it was). However, the main problem I see looking back through everything is really not analyzing Anon's emotional state. With everything else, people can have their own perspectives on a scene being good or bad but with Anon's feelings, you can't because I failed to really explain. I've hinted at indirectly with thoughts and some dialogue but I've failed to really get it across. This is the first time I've written in second person so conveying all the information I want is way more challenging than if I were to do a third person story IMO. The physical structure of greentext also throws me off too as each line is usually one sentence.

>>26013714

Essentially, Anon's feelings are pretty detached at the moment. This is intentional though not conveyed very well. I tried showing this with the “This isn't real, right?” with the nurse pony. The reason Anon feels so detached is because of his memory gap (to put it in a way that won't spoil too much). Where they end don't really correlate with why he's here in any fathomable way to him. He's also avoiding his memories as much as possible. I hinted at that with the dream and even with the lack of thought he had about it afterwards. This feeling of detachment has a solution in my mind and that's giving him something to be attached to in this world. Though, it's really hard to give him something like that in the position he is in. I'm going to attempt him to befriend a slave but I worry it won't be enough to really get the attachment across without spending more time here. In the next setting, I was planning on him getting a few attachments there, as well as some answers to explain his current situation. Also, it is because he is so detached that he hasn't really taken a moment to really be shocked by ponies.

(In reply to second post): Anon didn't know about ponies beforehand so you're correct with that assumption (which you implied in the previous post). That speech scene, while kind of weird (forced even) was him doing something. He was trying to attack their sense of morality.

>Right now, it almost feels like he doesn't care about /himself./
You hit the nail on the head. Though the reason why is Topsy Krets. It is part of the reason he is so damn detached from everything. The meta-argument against slavery/attack on their morality was my attempt at making Anon live in the moment to a certain extent. These feelings you have about wanting Anon to live in the moment are good, though I fear their source is from my poor execution and writing rather than some master plan I concoct as I go.

>>26013732

Helpful or not, I appreciate all critique. All the amazing feedback I've been getting is really motivational and inspirational. Please, keep making sure I'm thinking and not digging myself into a hole.

I appreciate the example you gave. I did feel the sudden drop off but wasn't really sure how to elaborate. Before I started editting it, I had ended that scene at the word 'acceptance'. I think something is wrong with me because I really like the sudden 'drop everything' endings.

To reply directly to what you wrote, I almost immediately felt Anon being insecure which is an interesting interpretation for what he should be feeling. Anon's curiousity about the strange pony is something I should have mentioned but Anon's feelings (as I've interpreted) sort of prevent him from thinking about obvious things like that (yes, that's how I'll cover up- I mean explain- that oversight :^) ). Anon's feelings about the speech were pretty much my own feelings about it as I wrote it so that's why I wrote that instead of reflecting on their reaction (again, realizing my mistake reminds that hindsight's a bitch).

(Response to final post): You're right and I definitely will try to slow things down. My explanation for why I've been going so fast is because I have a good amount of the plot in my head and I just want to write it down. This means that I end up glossing over Anon himself because I really want him to do the plot.

In the upcoming scene, I hope to solve all of these issues without rewriting stuff (though I'm very tempted at this point because I'm sure I could do it better). The scene hasn't technically ended so I think I can put things in that I just didn't beforehand. I also hope to cure some of his current feelings or lack of feelings.

(Also, my bad on posting that first comment twice.)

>>26000402
Thanks for the follow up. I think I understand what you mean. In both examples they're are lecturing, sort of like a cop might do. I think that's why it sounds stilted to you. Let me attempt to try once again to fix this sentence though, just to make sure I'm clear on what you're getting at. "Sorry about him Anon. I guess we're all a little trigger happy with humans. They're not always as docile as you are."

My goal isn't to make a Zecora or Yoda out of the nurse but she is supposed to be an authority figure towards him before she's a friend. Perhaps it's even tone that I'm not getting across because saying it out loud, I read with more of a sigh or more sarcastic. Maybe you're hearing it in a monotone voice like a police officer would do.

It both pains and amuses me that you have to ask this... English is my first language and I speak it almost exclusively. I get face to face with my roommates quite often but I don't really go out to seek companionship too much. As for shows I watch, the most recent thing I rewatched was Daredevil (Netflix exclusive).

I do have different ways of speaking. When I write stories, I often pick up a lot of verbiage. However, chatting online versus chatting in real life are pretty close. Even with my responses here, the only thing that differtiates speaking versus typing is that I usually make sure I say everything I want to say or everything I think I should say to get a point across. If you want a sample of how I speak in real life, just use this response, or any of my other responses as an example.

(In response to the second part): Yeah, even as I was writing it the slave speech felt a bit misplaced. I agree that it needed some lead-up or foreshadowing at least. Really, the part I didn't write about was just Anon's anger at the scene. I've been unintentionally rushing so I'll try and slow down.

Also, does me replying to criticism bother anyone? I thought it might be good to reward criticisms and encouragement with a reply but if it seems weird, or something, I can tone it down.

>>26012972
>at the risk of pissing off Oilbird
M8, you shouldn’t be worried about that. There's a very big difference between what you've written and the "No. This is dumb. Go away." responses that I called out the other day. You aren’t insulting the guy, and you at least seem like you’ve read past the first post. I'll admit, I haven't read Flutterrape in a while.So my bad, there.

>>26013723
>the way I envision technology in current Equestria is equivalent to show Equestria.
They only ever flat out say it in the art book, but Equestria’s tech level is 1920. It hasn’t filtered down to every backwater village in the middle of nowhere, like Ponyville, but the height of technology is 1920’s equivalent...designed for horses. For example, cars never really got off the ground, when the early ones couldn’t go faster than the ponies who made them. There are exceptions, but they’re few and far between. That’s why the Sombra timeline wasn’t so crazy, the technology’s THERE, they just haven’t had a reason to propagate it everywhere.

>>26013732
Without really digging into your responses (sorry, I need to get to work), I’ll say this. If Anon doesn’t care about what’s happening to him, why should we? I get that he may be in shock, but if you want the reader to really engage with him, then it may be time for his reality, that he’s nothing more than /property/, that this is /actually happening/, to really sink in, for him.

>>26013810
>Also, does me replying to criticism bother anyone?
I mean yeah - reply, but holy fuck mate thats a wall.

>>25976873
>pic
...you do know that for thier arms to be like that, they'd be broken prtty bad, right? They're backwards

>>26014247
shhhhh porn is not realistic

>>26008823
I say yes, let her.

Celesia and Luna already know that we have a huge crate of food or they are going to find out really soon one way or the other. None of us were trying to be quiet about it (especially Tirek), and the crate crashed so hard it broke apart. And they have probably already smelled the food as well. So the only question is, how do we distribute it.

There is also no reason why to economize the food. Even if we somehow find a way to prevent the food from spoiling, splitting a month's worth of food between four stomachs gives us one week of eating. Not much time compared to eternity, yes, but Tirek "Expects results soon". And unless we want to fuck with the only person that can actually get us out (other than Twilight, of course, but she's not really an option, is she?), we can't play a long game.

The obvious strategy would be to deny Celestia the food and make her deserve it first. But I don't think that hunger can break her so enough, and doing this would worsen our relationship with Cadance. and while we shouldn't be basing everything we do around our guest, she just saw us working with the two greatest villains Equestria ever faced so... we should try fix it up a bit. (Also we should ask Cadance why is she carrying a knife in bed with us... and she didn't know about the changeling thing when she got that knife!)

If we allow Cadance to give Celestia the food, not only we will be the good guy in Cadance's eyes, but what will it do to the Cadance-Celly relationship? Will auntie Celestia be happy that Cadance thought of her? I don't think so. Even if Celestia doesn't realize just how rare food is in Tartarus, she must know that making something as complicated as cake is virtually impossible down here. She will question how Cadance got the food, and what did she have to do to be allowed to give it to her.

(cont.)

>>26014316
Celestia thinks we are pure evil. She doesn't think we would let Cadance HAVE some our food int he first place, let alone allow her to give it to Celestia. She will think that Cadance is sleeping with us, and is no way Cadance will be able to convince Celestia that she'not letting us rut her as well.

I don't think Celestia will even accept the food, because it would make Cadance get more food for her, meaning having more sex with us. And if we're lucky she might even verbally assault her or bring up her husband. And even if she accepts, i highly doubt that she will be happy about it. Either way, when it happens we will be there and able to steer the course of the conversation. Possibly making some innuendos to make sure Celestia arrives to the desired conclusion.

Breaking apart the relationship between Celestia and Cadance is more important than breaking Celestia herself. We can't really break the princesses while they are all supporting each other, we need to split them first. Granting Cadance her request will help us do just that.

That said, we should also think of How Luna factors into this. If there's anyone who shouldn't get the food wit's her. (We can explain it to Cadance as punishment for Luna trying to play us). I think she's smart enough to see through the plan and would actually heartfully thank Cadance for being such a good little niece, and might even offer a apology for banishing anyone into Tartarus in the first place.

With Luna, I think it could be better to skip the whole I-know-that-you-know-that-I-know-that-you-know game and just let her starve, until we can come up with a plan that won't be so easy to turn against us.

(cont.)

>>26014342
>“Can I borrow your knife to cut it?”
It's /our/ knife not /her/ knife. And we shouldn't be asking her permission to use /our/ things. Yes, we can be polite when it comes to things like her sharing bed with us, but not when it comes weapons and security. We must not allow her to think she can protect herself, especially not from us.

She doesn't fully trust us, I get it. But when she starts planning ways to stab us in a back we need to take action. We should at least scold her or, next time we go to bed, first tie her with a rope, before wrapping her in the blanket.

>Before you can react, it crashes down right on your combined beds,
Are the beds okay? We kinda need them.

>Tirek and Discord
I really like the dialogue. Tirek is a better bro than Discord is. I hope to see more of them in the future.

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>>26014247
Ponies are a bit more flexible than horses.

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>>25994541

>>26003441
I'm happy that you are still with us, and the story was very... appetizing, but not much else. The premise is interesting, I liked the story as a whole, but there really isn't enough content to properly criticize.

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>>26013810
>Also, does me replying to criticism bother anyone?
There's nothing I like more than seeing my suggestions and criticism actually having an influence. But I think that what you are doing right now is a mistake.

It's great that you think about your story, and what other's think of your story. But you shouldn't be posting all of it in the thread. Basically, you're posting spoilers for your own story. Telling us what you're gonna write about next does to get us more excited to see it happen. For readers, it's not like posting a trailer for a movie. It's like leaking script notes and asking the audience "hey guys, do you think it's okay if I put this in the movie?". It makes you appear very insecure. (Which is completely natural for new writers, so don't feel bad about it.)

Every single thing you posted spoilered, (go ahead, read your posts again, just the spoilered parts) is basically you apologizing to us for your story not being good enough. And to make things clear, I'm NOT saying that "I think your story is bad and you should kill yourself or at least never write again", what I'm saying is "YOU don't believe in yourself, and YOU don't think your story is good enough, and YOU feel like you should apologize for it to us". (If that's not how you feel, then I missed my mark and you can safely ignore this entire post.)

If you need to explain your story, then it means your story is not easy enough to understand, If you need to explain what you were going for, then it means the direction of our story is not clear enough. Right now, you wrote more about you writing the story than you did of the actual story.

Responding to the criticism is good, but you are seriously overdoing it right now. Stop writing about what you are going to do, and just do it. Don't be afraid to experiment and fail, or to discard stories that you are no longer happy with. Making mistakes and learning from them is how you get good. Don't give up and keep trying.

>Anon is slave
>Anon is abnormally stubborn and spiteful
>Does what any good autist does; shuts down completely in the face of his new situation
>Sits where he is, not reacting to anything around him, just staring ahead
>Doesn't eat; barely drinks
>Denies pony-slaver any kind of satisfaction by choosing a slow death instead of slavery

>>26013810
I can only speak from experience, but I personally like to reply to people who give feedback, or ask questions. Normally, so long as it's related to your story, people don't have trouble with writers using trips here. If you're going to have an extended conversation, you should probably drop your trip, but 1-2 replies isn't an issue I've experienced.

Generally speaking, it's probably a good idea to avoid spoilers (even with the spoiler system) in replies. If I can only answer a question by using a spoiler, I'll try to answer it in such a way that the reader knows the answer is probably coming in-green. If it's about a past scene, and the topic won't be retouched, then it's fine. But generally speaking, if you need spoilers in your reply, either consider answering/correcting the problem in-story, or simply stating it directly.

So far so good though. New blood is a welcome thing around here. I probably won't trip my reviews too often, but I'll try to chip in where I can.

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>>26015431

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>>26016865
Depression can be a bitch Anonymous. Have a pretty picture to cheer up with.

>>26017897
http://www.rationalparrot.com/tease.html

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>>26018045

>>26018235
Now you know that the chicken in that gif is hot for the boy.

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>>26017653

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>>26019581

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>>26020659

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Bumping. Keep it alive, guys; next section of Bluebird should be arriving pretty soon.

>>26023462
>hype!

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>>26013804
>>26013732
>Anon's feelings
Anon doesn't seem to have any feelings. That's the issue here.

It's not like he's feeling confused, out of his element, and numb while he gradually has to learn to accept the reality of what's happening to him.

It's like you have a thing you want him to say and do to lay down the framework for later story elements, but don't know how to apply any humanity to this. He's literally nothing more than an author's mouthpiece. He doesn't seem to have any personality.

Look, when I wrote my first story, I spent too much time describing the environment around Anon. Showing things as Anon saw them, and giving small personalized anecdotes about them. This makes the world seem real, makes the character seem real, and makes the character feel like a part of the world. But I was spending too much time on the anecdotes and minutia of it, so it ended up being a rambling mess that I ended up going back and rewriting.

Have an idea of what you want to do, but always remember that you can go back and do it better. Sometimes it takes a lot of passes and refinement before what you get has all the elements that it needs to work.

I break it down into several different elements. Think of it like making a complete meal. You need carbohydrates, vegetables, and protein. Similarly, in a story, you need an environment, a character, a character's personality / mental state, and a character's interaction with the environment.

I'm probably not explaining that very well, but I hope it makes sense. You've got several elements that would make a character, but you're missing a lot of important parts that would make him feel whole. Pic related.

Can someone else take a whack at explaining these different story elements?

>>26013810
Respond to criticism. Do it a lot. It's a good thing. One of the unique things about greentext is that there's a lot more two-way interaction between writers and readers.

>>25990528

>You find a place to sit down against the building.
>All of your muscles relax and you almost feel inclined to take a nap if not for already having slept for a few weeks before.
>You tune out the background chatter and noises from within the building.
>It feels like this is the first time you've had alone with your thoughts, something that didn't exactly please you, but was a necessary evil to keep you sane.
>This isn't real, right?
>It was the same question from before. The thought repeated in your head.
>There's no possible way.
>With everything that happened before... it just didn't make any sense.
>Even so, where had that speech come from?
>It was an overwhelming anger within yourself.
>You hadn't even realized it was there until the words were being vomited from your mouth.
>If this was real, it was sick.
>But the only thing you had to prove this was real to you was the biscuit you were holding.
>Huh, you don't remember it being wet.
>You take a bite.
>It's salty at first but eventually its sweet flavor bleeds through into your mouth.
>The chunk sits in your mouth, dissolving slightly, enhancing the sweet flavor.
>Why did that stallion give you a biscuit?
>You take another bite, shoveling a large chunk into your starved mouth.
>Why would anyone show kindness to a slave?
>Why were you feeling so conflicted.
>You realize how much you were burying your emotions.
>That's not healthy.
>You decide to detach yourself from them and give them a look.
>Like opening a box of memories.
>Let's see, we have some anger still, and frustration.
>Those are from waking up and suddenly being in a colorful pony run world... Where you're a slave.
>Yep, understandable.
>Happiness and pride.
>You got those from that mystery pony. The biscuit was just a cherry on top.
>Sadness?
>Meh, you've had enough. Don't want to be edgy.
>The word brings a simple laugh out of you. It reminded you of home.

>>26023937

>You open your eyes again. Time appears to pass faster when you're in your own head as the sun has moved quite a bit from before entering the room.
>Or maybe you hadn't been in your head for very long.
>You couldn't really be sure.
>It was refreshing to go digging through your thoughts.
>A necessary chore you had just been putting off.
>You look around the lot to see if there's anything a good slave should be doing.
>Two ponies exit the room, not escorted by guards.
>They seem to be empty handed... or rather, empty hooved.
>You laugh to yourself, “No one would use puns that dumb here.”
>One of them points at a mare, the same one you first saw exposing herself.
>Both of them nod and you put the pieces together in your head.
>They must be friends...
>But... Just to be safe, you'll tail them until you're positive that's the case.
>Because there is always the distinct possibility they're looking for some food.
>You're not sure if it's out of boredom, curiosity, or some sick sense of justice but you follow through tailing them.
>Leaning against the high wooden fence, you pretend to sit down and eat your biscuit.
>You notice a guard nearby take notice of the group of three that forms.
>The guard would stop them if something dumb happened, right?
>This is your first time being a slave so you weren't sure how they would react.
>You remember your shock collar and realize that none of the other ponies appear to be wearing them.
>It appeared they just had their hind hooves chained loosely together.
>Why would they put you under greater restraints?
>Were ponies really that scared of humans?
>Thinking back to your speech, you wonder why you weren't shocked then.
>Perhaps you could have broken through the glass and attacked those rich fucks...
>If you really tried... If you really wanted to.

>>26023946

>But something deep inside unleashed your anger in a rather tame way.
>Perhaps your body was smarter than your mind.
>It was always thinking about self preservation.
>Meanwhile, you're just a passenger to its existence.
>There it is again.
>Feelings you don't want to remember.
“Anon let's focus on the scene at hand.”
“Good idea Anon.”
>The two ponies close in uncomfortably.
>“That's quite a haul you have there Berry,” says one of the stallions. His physique is scrawny and smaller than his bulky companion.
>Oddly enough, he has a horn on his head, almost as if he was a unicorn.
>You've seen it all now it seems. Normal ponies, pegasi, and, now, even unicorns.
>“Hell, you might even be able to feed the entire camp for an entire day,” he continues.
>She shoots a glare at the two, holding the food a bit more closely towards herself.
>“Maybe you could give us a show sometime,” the bigger one suggests with a nasty grin.
>You grimace seeing exactly where this is headed.
“Not again,” you groan.
>“Why don't you two fuck off?” Berry growls.
>Her bluish-pink mane begins to puff and flare.
>“Aw, come on Berry, can't you just spare some food to some poor saps that weren't born with the good fortune of being a pretty slave mare like you?”
>“You think what I have to do is fun?” she says in a threatening tone. “I don't want to go back there for as long as possible.”
>“We can make a trade,” the larger stallion suggests. “We'll give you /our/ hay-sausage in exchange for one of those waffles.”
>Hay-sausage? That must be a euphemism in this world.

>>26023958

>He begins reaching for one and she swats his hoof away.
>The other quickly turns and kicks both hind hooves into her face.
>She is sent flat to the ground and her food goes flying, scattering around her.
>Other slaves that appeared like they didn't notice made a dash for scraps of food.
>You turn and look at the guard in dismay and he hasn't even flinched.
>In fact, the sick bastard is smiling.
>You turn back to the two attackers.
>They should have dispersed to also grab food but they haven't.
>They're standing over a dazed Berry.
>Your eyes widen imagining what they're going to do.
>Are they really going to do what you're afraid they'll do?
>Anger, once again, boils to the surface.
>The scene is one you can't bear to see again.
>You stand up and begin charging at the larger pony.
>It doesn't matter what happens to this body. As long as you can save her.
>You would do it all over again.
>Dropping the biscuit, you stand and begin running as best you can towards the larger stallion.
>You throw your body into him, sending you both rolling.
>Pain doesn't matter.
>The chains restrict your arms, preventing you from throwing a punch, so instead, you headbutt him.
>You get up from off of him and kick as hard as the chains will allow into his side.
>He cries out. There, that's what you wanted.
>“Stay down,” you hiss.
>The other pony looks at you and then at his companion.
>You both glare at each other but his ears begin to betray his confidence.
>They fold back and he carefully walks past you towards his companion.
>You limp over to Berry and help her up. She begrudgingly accepts.
>Her haul is all but gone. Amongst the chaos, all of her food was snatched by some other hungry slave.
>Glancing at the two attackers, you notice them slink off together.

>>26023983

>You walk back over to your biscuit, which was surprisingly untouched, and hand it to her.
>“I-I couldn't,” she stutters, giving the biscuit a longing stare.
“I don't want it. You should have it after losing your food,” you reply.
>She gives you a questioning look. “Why did you do that?”
>Why /did/ you do that?
“I guess I just don't like seeing innocent people- erm, ponies getting hurt.”
>She raises an eyebrow. “Well, I suppose I owe you my thanks.”
>You shake the biscuit again to show you're still offering it to her.
>Berry looks at it, then back at you. She gingerly takes it out of your hand.
>In one bite, she has eaten the other half of your biscuit.
>She chews and swallows quickly, almost as if she's afraid someone will try to take from her.
>“What's your name?” she asks warily.
“Anonymous,” you say politely. “But you can just call me Anon. What's your name?”
>She looks you up and down. “Berry Punch.”
>You realize how awkward it is to stand there silently.
“Do you mind explaining what's going on around here?”

The Underground Trail:
http://pastebin.com/F6SiF0TW

I'm still working on this whole scene but I thought I'd edit and post what I have. Thanks for all the feedback. I'm going to tone down my blocks of text responses. Do you guys like the pacing better now that I've slowed it down a bit? Does Anon's character show through a bit more?

>>26024346
Definitely better than before. While Anon still feels a little white-knightly and forced, it's much more reasonable, and tastefully executed. The internal dialogue could be improved, but again, it's much better than before.

>>26012972
Well Flutterrape gotta update that OP then.
And lemme just say you got shitty taste. Build-ups and teases are for chumps.

Be Anon
>In prison for putting ketchup in the fridge
>How did they even know you did that?
>You're at lunch with numerous psychologists watching you
>Since you're an omnivore they let you eat steak
>That was nice of them
>Everything is fine until you put ketchup on it
>Your psychologists, who have dealt with the worst criminals in Equestria, are all shocked
>One faints
>Two others vomit
>The rest of them tackle you to the floor and put you to sleep with some herbs they have in their pockets

A few minutes later

>You meet with the warden
>She looks at your rap sheet
>"Putting ketchup in the fridge."
>She reads what you did earlier today and is visibly sickened
>She's on the verge of tears
>"Anon..."
"Yes?"
>"I seriously hope that you don't do this."

� � � � Day 51 I think
Been I the inn the entire day and so has Al.
Al's has been drinking the entire day.
I talked to him because he seemed depressed and took him home.
He's really torn up about the diamond dog thing.
Had to remove 2 bottles of scotch from his room.
Spent the night over Al's house in the docks.

� � � � Day 53
Al gave me some Ginseng.
Gonna make some good ass tea.

Made a order for 70 pots to Chinook.
Sarge went to jail for allegedly raping Hearth. �
He went peacefully.
� � � �
� � � � Day 54
Planted my carrots, dandelions, ginseng, and pomegranate.

Went on a mining adventure.
Saw pig bushes and almost got blown up.
Found some ore in Berry Ridge?
Almost got crushed by rocks.
Able and Rain Drop got really hurt.
We decided to go back.
Started to hear music play in the forest.
Chinook and Hidden Glimmer checked it out.
Decided to look after them after awhile.
They found the source of the music.
A lyre bird �a literal flying instrument.
They tried to capture it and it screeched and flew off.
We got back home and I left to bandage my ass.

� � � � Day 56
Grapes grapes everywhere 80 seeds and 20 bushes.
Black berries as far as the eye can see 30 bushes from 14 pounds of seeds.
Going to have to move some to the greenhouse.

� � � � Day 57
Sold some of the black berries and grapes to Chinook to cover the cost of my pots and to pay for Uni's gift for Penny.
I did get 35 pots in the trade off. All in the greenhouse now.

>>26026647


� � � � Day 58
Went to the clinic and meet this pony named Kaiasha. She's nice.
Talked to her about receiving some medical training so i could help when people get hurt.
Kaisha told me to ask Liven since he was more qualified.

Liven showed up and I wanted to talk to him about the medical training but he went off and started talking about meditation and teaching me about it.
I wouldn't mind the meditation training.

Rain drop showed up later.
She talked about her farm and such.
She eventually brought up how Able had some berries that could heal small wounds.
Apparently the berries are found in a magic area.
I volunteered to grow them at my greenhouse.
Liven is also giving me the flowers he was growing in the back room.

� � � � Day 59
Talked to Al in the hospital he got fucked up by a wall

� � � � Day 60
Cookie asked if i could grow her some wheat for flower.
I accepted nut now i have to get seeds.

Drank some of Boris's "stuff". He warned me not to drink it.
Started to fell funny after awhile.
I dun goofed.
I started vomiting everywhere.
I shouldn't have had such a big lunch.
Cookie helped me up stairs while I was puking and Mary and Boris stated cleaning it up.
Mary slipped in it.
I make it upstairs and stop throwing up.
Cookie started to clean me up and Mary came upstairs.
Felt the need to puke and warned them.
Cookie dodged it. Mary didn't.
My puke got all over her and in her suit.
She didn't appreciate it.
Still vomiting at this point.
Vomit is starting to go down the steps.
Stopped puking after awhile and Booze cleaned me up.
Booze carried me down stairs and put me on a table and gave me some water.
Cookie is cleaning Mary upstairs and Boris apologized about the "stuff".
It was ok I learned something.
More people started coming in to the inn and Mary eventually came down.
She left before I could apologize.
I thanked everyone and then left for home.

Twilight reclined in her chair as it creaked under her fat ass. She had just installed her new P90XXL cards in her rig as it hummed to life and began to roll forth her glorious BitBits. With her power to the tree library being paid for by Celestia every one was pure digital profit for her, once she paid off her new hardware. Grabbing another Mountain Apple Double Dew from her mini-fridge she chugged it down and belched loudly, not caring if anyone heard. Business in the library had been slow recently and she enjoyed her free time to laze about while her new rig did all the work.

BitBits had become very popular recently in the wake of some popular Canterlot businesses supporting them. Even Ron Foal had advocated them as the currency of the future. Celestia's fiat bit based economy was too rooted in the past and based on the monarchical power structure to pave the future with. Twilight and many other loyal BitBitters were waiting for the day he said would come and the Larsoning would come. They would all become the new captains of finance by adopting BitBits early and being ready for the collapse of the normal coin. The market would no longer need to bow to the crowns whims and fancies.


The free movement of money without anyone snooping on your purchases would herald a new age where anonymity would permit anyone to trade without being scrutinized. Twilight could finally be able to buy commissions for her secret fetish for big masculine hooves. She was certain Celestia would be spying on her bank account and she would never hear the end of it if she found out she bought Hyper Hooved Librarians 3: Dewey's Revenge. Those thick cloppers made Twilight wet just thinking about them. The hassles and hoops she had to get through to keep it a secret were just too much work.

>>26026997
Her stomach grumbled for more food as she sat watching the BitBit ticker go up. With her recent investment and the new hardware she would be the wealthiest mare in Ponyville. With much effort she got up out of her chair and trundled over to the kitchen to bake up some more Hay Pockets in the microwave. She loved the way the ranch and cream cheese filled snacks tasted with their greasy texture and she had taken to eating them constantly when she wasn't having to bother with the simpletons from town who came in to borrow her precious books. Taking the steaming plate out and stuffing some in her mouth the lava hot filling burned over her tongue but the flavor was just so delectable she couldn't wait ash she swallowed them down sending her second chin wobbling as she stuffed another hoof-full in.


From the other room she could hear her speakers blaring an alert out so she quickly tossed the other Hay Pockets down and hurried as fast as she could back. Panting and out of breath from her short run what she saw sent a horrified shriek through her. The BitBit ticker was showing a sharp drop in value after someone had dumped nearly 200 BitBits onto the market causing a panic of sales. Quickly trying to sell off what she could was met with no avail as the chain was backed up with transactions as the market kept falling. She eventually got her BitBits through but by that point they were worth only a fraction of what she had bought them at.

>>26027012
Dismayed by her loss she huffed off to her bed and curled up clutching her fat pot belly in her hooves. Ron Foal had said there would be bad days when the unbelievers would bring ruin, but they must be strong to soldier on and rise up from the ashes. Tomorrow she would start her empire anew and be ready for the Larsoning. Tonight though she just needed some time for herself. Reaching under her mattress she pulled out one of her stashed copies of her favorite doujin, "Tree Shaking" and settled in for a good night of just her fat self and the biggest hooves in Equestria.

Journal Entry 47

>7:17 AM on a Sunday.
>Day 41 in Equestria.
>Last day before I have to go back to that bloody drongo Rarity. Still don't get why she wastes her time with me.
>As usual I'm takin' my morning hike with the Scooter kid, but since she doesn't have school today I'm bringing her way deeper than usual. Things were going pretty smooth for the first hour or so, until we had a small mishap in the thorny vined part of the forest.
Keep an eye out Scootaloo. Few days ago, a gang of spiders tried havin' a barney with me round' these parts.
>"Spiders? Do you have some kind of phobia or something?"
Of course not. You of all horses should know I'm not afraid of anything.
>"Everyone's afraid of something Anon. You can't ignore that."
Yeah I can. I had to give up fear to become an explorer, and if you're gonna make it in here, you gotta do the same.
>I notice a large spider web to our far right, and slightly pick up the pace. Scootaloo then trots from the back to my left to look me in the face.
>"Well then why do you care about the spiders? You're a giant! If spiders try to give you trouble, you could just crush em' with your big gorilla feet. Were there just a bunch or what?"
About six at the time, but these weren't the normal spiders you see crawling on walls. These things were massive.
>"Whoa. How massive are we talking here? Like "massive" massive, or just regular massi-"
>Unfocused, Scootaloo walks into a few spider strands causing her to shake her head and brush it out.
>"Aw sick! That stuff got in my mouth!"
Shh! I thought I heard something.
>Something scurried past some bushes at our left. I can't quite see it thanks to this bloody fog the forest generates, but I know it's there.
>Eventually, I pick up a vague silhouette hiding in the trees, as a raspy male voice in some kinda Seppo accent starts to call me out.
>"Aaanon? Aaaaanon?"
Bugger all.
>"Who is that?" asks Scootaloo.

>>26027827

>In a subtle motion I take out one of the switchblades in my right side pouch, and open it. I then motion it back to Scootaloo and tell her in a whisper,
Take this.
>"But..."
>She hesitates.
I said take-
>A large string of webbing fires from our right, attaching itself to Scootaloo's leg and pulling her to the ground.
>"What the! Wha!!"
Before I even see it coming, Scootaloo's being tugged away from me by the same five foot black spider that bit me on Thursday. (Not to be confused with the female who had the beehive hairdo; this is that bloke with the pink Mohawk and heart shaped "MOM" tattoo on his abdomen.)
>In a cartoonishly sinister voice he announces "Looks like Anon brought a little girly friend with him!" as he continues pulling Scootaloo into the bushes where he was hiding.
>Barely able to resist, Scootaloo yells to me, "Anon! Please help!"
>Immediately, I take the switchblade I'm holding and throw it for the bastard's face. Jumbo Spiders are twitchy like a meth head though, and he springs out of the way, climbing into a few tree branches.

>>26027851

>Knowing one throwing star won't be enough, I clear out six from my left pouch and begin throwing them in rapid succession. He dodges the first two, get's the third trapped in his right mid-leg, and eventually the last one directly in the face. Having been impaled, he comes crashing to to the ground, clutching his face and screaming in agony.
>As I reach for my machete to finish the job, the hidden spider; who I'm sure is the purple, flame marked one with the balding brown mullet; tries to pounce me from the background with the false notion that I lost my focus.
>As he jumps to drive his fangs in my back, I duck beneath his head, grab his front legs, pull them down to my shoulders, and bring my skull back up to pin his head in place.
>My skull's pushing against his throat, but he still forces out a, "How?!" in shock.
I'm gonna break your arms now.

>>26027883

>Successfully pinned on my back, I begin twisting his two front legs as hard as I can, anticipating them to either dislocate, or break off all together.
>His four other legs twitch and kick furiously around my torso, and he's trying his best not to scream but can't quite keep the pain down.
>"STOP! PLEASE! I-I don't GYAH I don't want to lose my legs!"
>I reverse charge into the nearest tree, to help stop the kicking.
Don't worry. Ya got four more just like em'.
>It's then that I hear the sound of Scootaloo screeching in fear, bringing my focus back on the reason I didn't want to deal with these guys in the first place.
Kid?!
>I look back and see that she's been hit with another webbing around her left side, with the other spider midair for a body slam I have no time to prevent.
>I could've sworn that star I threw was lodged straight through his skull, but it only lodged itself in his right eye. Not even close to immediately fatal.
>Scootaloo gives a loud *UMPH* as he pins her under his massive weight, but she manages to stay strong, despite the pain her weak little body must be feeling.
>"Put the boss down, or I'm eating the filly!" says mullet spider as she struggles to break free.
>"Anon, why do these guys hate you so much?!"

reading

>>26027907

EXCERPT: Journal Entry 45

>As I explore the prickly vines looking for this fucktard of a boomerang, I finally find it trapped in some kind of giant spiderweb complete with four spiders, nearly an American football in size each. I've never seen a species of spider this large in the forest before, but I'm sure I've seen larger in Southeast Asia. They probably won't be much of an issue.
>Why are boomerangs so hard to use?

---

>"Well?!" says Mohawk. "Put the boss down."
How am I supposed to know you won't just eat the kid when I put him down?
>"Yeah!" says Scootaloo, before he shoves her face into the dirt.
>The mullet spider I'm breaking tells me, "You have my word that he won't! Spiders never lie, so you can trust me. W-we'll just call it a draw for now, ya know?"
>I DON'T trust spiders, but what else can I do?
"...Fine." I say to Mohawk. "Let the girl free, and then I'll let your boss go."

>>26028031

>There's a smug glare �he gives, but he agrees and begins snipping the webs with his fangs and claws.
>Once she gets to her hooves, I throw his boss off of my back towards his friend, and he tumbles into a few bushes.
>Scootaloo then scurries over to my side, as I pull out the spear from my adventure pack.
>As I point the lengthy weapon in their direction, I tell the Mohawked spider,
Next time you or your friends try to give me trouble, don't expect to walk out of it so easily.
>"Y-yeah?! Well, you're just lucky we don't have a new gang set up! Y-...you'll see!"
>Boss rolls to his front and tells his lackey, "Let's go Harry," before walking off.
>"You'll see. You're gonna regret messin' up my family."
>"I said let's go!" his boss frustratingly yells in the background.
>Harry backs away, staring me down, before turning and leaving with his boss.
>I lower my weapon, but keep it out in case there are others waiting.
>As my adrenaline wears down, it's only then that I notice the feeling of Scootaloo's trembling hooves around my left leg.
"You get bit?" I say apathetically.
>"No...thanks for saving me Anon...as usual."
>There's an awkward pause as she forces herself off of me, and backs away a couple o steps.
Go get my stars and knife, and we'll let's keep moving.

>>26028056
>we'll lets
>we'll lets

>>26028300
>lets we'll
>lettuce wheel

DAY THIRTY-FOUR: COMPLETE GROUP BONDING
(Two days until party)

7:26 AM
� � � � Ever get that feeling that you're being watched? I most certainly have that feeling right now. It's very unsettling, almost as if opening my eyes will cause me to stare at death itself...ugh...FUCK IT! With my heart racing, I open my eye to find Pinkie Pie who's standing on top of the bed, hovering over me...Okay then.
Pinkie: ANON! You're awake!
I give a tired groan, before telling her,
Myself: Hey Pinkie...How long have you been waiting?
PP: About twenty minutes, but that's okay, because you're awake!
Pinkie Pie clears her throat a bit and out of nowhere, begins singing.

http://images.wikia.com/anoninequestria/images/c/cc/IMG9.jpg
(Time signature: 4/4. Key: B major. Tempo: 140.)

Pinkie: SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,-
(Holy shit there's actually music!)
get up An_on, face the day._The sun is up so we can play.____
Get-on you're-feet, wash up and eat._This day-that we'll have can not-be beat._
There's so-much iiin this town to dooo,-and so-much iiin this town to see.__
The thought a lone fills me with-so much gleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.__
(She's so close to my face right now our noses almost start rubbing.)
It's you and A_J. Rain_bow Dash, Flu_tter_shy and Rar_i_ty,___
Twi_light Spar_kle, EVEN SPIKE, and your best friend Pin-kie.

>>26028440

LAST NOTE

� � � � Pinkie gives off a massive grin before finally hopping off to the right side of the bed, so I can get up.
Myself: Wh-where was that music coming from?
Pinkie: Whaaat? I didn't hear any music. You must be ?curazy' or something.
M:...
PP: Pfff hahahahaha! I'm just joking with ya!
Pinkie points to the left side of the bed. I turn my head and look down, only to see a record player that was being operated by my roommate Veronica.
M: Veronicaaa.
Cue Seinfeld theme.
PP: You should've seen your face!
M: Oh, hahahah.
I sarcastically say to Pinkie.
M: Enough horseplay.
I then get out of bed.
M: I'm going to get ready.
Pinkie stops me from leaving just yet.
PP: Wait, wait, wait, wait...CHECK THIS OUT!
Pinkie hops to the left revealing a guitar case that's on the wall.
M: Holy cow. You got a guitar for me to borrow!?
PP: Nope, just the case.
seriousface.jpg
PP: I'm /joking/, Anon. You really need to lighten up a little. ?Meadow Song' let me borrow it, but he told me to say you'd be cruising for a bruising if you so much as scratched his guitar.
M: Thanks Pinkie, you're incredible.