Old thread: >>25533332
Congratulations! Your new My Little Pony© is sure to bring you years of joy!
Please, carefully read the instructions before opening the patented Cryo-Box containing your pony.
-Allow at least one hour of uninterrupted time in a secluded, quiet area free from distractions. Your My Little Pony© is designed to begin imprinting upon release from its Cryo-Box. Place the Cryo-Box on the floor, carefully open it, and sit nearby. Your pony may sniff, nuzzle, and lick you as imprinting begins. Do not leave the area. You may gently touch your pony.
-Your Cryo-Box doubles as a comfortable nesting bed for your pony!
-Each pony comes with a 6-week supply of Xtreme grade nutrient paste designed to accommodate the rapid growth process. After the nutrient paste is used, your pony may switch to a normal diet (see Appendix A for recommendations)
-Your My Little Pony© begins its life as a wonderful little colt or filly! You may allow your pony to grow naturally, or you may use the provided Rapid Growth Accelerant to mature your pony to stallion / mare age in a matter of weeks!
-Your pony is engineered to love and support you. Please allow 3-4 weeks for colts and fillies to age before engaging in sexual activity. If rapidly aging your pony, sexual contact may begin after 2 weeks. Be gentle with your pony!
-Every night, place the Language-Assistance headphones on your pony for at least 30 minutes to teach your pony proper speaking skills.
-DO NOT REJECT YOUR PONY. REJECTED PONIES MAY HAVE VIOLENT TENDENCIES. IF YOU FEEL YOU MAY HAVE UNWITTINGLY REJECTED YOUR PONY, PLEASE CALL BIO SUPPORT AT 555-PONY-4ME IMMEDIATELY!
>>25618606
Today on HBBES Q&A: General questions and accessories for pony care. Decanted Hassenfelds are cryonic-transport friendly, a cost-saving (and when done with commerical products like the one shown) and stress-reducing way to bring your pony to places they might not normally easily manage, like extra-orbital habitats! Shown is one of our favorite third-party products, the Cryotranz© pet transport. We have the office-cat Opalescence modeling this one, but we've used similar ones for young fillies, while the larger versions can allow a normally space-sick unicorn or earth pony a comfortable method to travel to Mars or underwater habitats.
>>25618606
w-what happens if I reject my pony
>>25567096
>So I cannot buy the true proletariat earth pony.
Earth ponies have severe problems with extended lack of contact with a strong gravitational field, leading to rapid loss of bone density and strength faster than normal exercise routines will restore. HBBES allows earth pony sales to habitats that maintain at least a .8G constant across the supermajority (66%+) of the living space.
Unicorns are prone to "sparking" outside of atmosphere due to reactions between their horns and excessive radiation. This renders them generally unsuitable for non-planetary settlement, lest the unicorn accidentally breach it's own suit or touch off something volatile (see the Belle Disaster newsfile as of two years prior in which one filly managed to breach an entire agrodome, barely preventing a total loss of atmosphere via accidentally coating the resulting hole with tree sap and emergency sealant)
HBBES allows Martian delivery of non-pegasi models, as long as they are guaranteed to remain in the gravity well outside of emergencies.
>>25618692
Ponies require bonding with a human to live. If denied this bond, ponies will naturally attempt to survive, and this can range from forcible snuggling to at least one case of the rejector being tied to a bed, having his ankles bucked, and ending up having to be rescued from a very, very badly traumatized PNK-S125.
Again, imprinting and then rejecting a pony is a matter of life and death for the pony. Rejection eventually kills the pony without factory-level intervention and is considered a felony offense for abandonment with intention to harm.
>>25618883
>felony offense
I want my lawyers
>>25568185
>Dear Hassenfeld Bros, I have a few questions concerning your My Little Pony© products.
>First and foremost, my first concern is waste management. These ponies can be toilet trained, correct? My work schedule unfortunately means I am out for long periods of time some days, and I cannot properly let my pony out for walks. If so, at what age do I need to begin training?
Hassenfelds are (and indeed, we would suggest) toilet trainable like most intelligent creatures. Speaking of accessories, we suggest a filly/foal friendly toilet seat and a step-up to allow your pony to move up from the usual "child potty" once they're taught.
Ponies should be fine with a training toilet inside of six months due to their higher level of physical co-ordination, and graduate to using the same toilet you do around a year.
>Secondly, how close instinctively are your My Little Ponies© to regular horses? Will My Little Pony© begin cribbing, or has that trait been cut out? I hope that the heat urges will remain intact.
Hassenfelds are, barring extraordinary treatments, biologically sterile but fully capable of enjoying sexual activity upon maturity. Use of the Fertility Solution will develop and trigger heatlike symptoms due to hormonal stimulation, but this not a healthy choice for extended use. Please note that FS is genetically tailored to a specific pony and a maximum of a three (3) month supply in an 18-month period is allowed for sale. FS will become inert if not used within six months of delivery.
Cribbing is generally considered an unhealthy equine behavior, although it has been noted to occur most frequently in earth ponies, the TST-S112 being especially prone to the habit. Generally, this is a product of boring your pony via insufficient activity. "Looping" in pegasi or obsessive-compulsive activity in unicorns are the earth pony equivalent.
>>25618901
HBBES maintains a large legal department for various pony-related issues.
Abuse of UNSAT-certified lifeforms is a very good way to meet them. In court. Of course, this does beat having to deal with the process servers for the Turing Foundation.
Someone had a sense of humor making the bodyforms for those AIs, I must say.
>>25618606
kinda reminds me of Genpets
>>25619281
Bio-Genica is considered one of the "founding fathers" of the movement that led to GIDDI and the modern bio-alternatives (genetic, elecoded) we share Earth and Mars (and large chunks of underspace and outerspace) with today. This includes the "limiter protocols" designed to prevent genetically designed species from overwhelming normal biologicals and the use of imprinting to bond lifeform to human.
>>25618606
To the Hassenfeld Bros. and all involved,
I am Brigadier General Mous of the United States Army. After the incident last week regarding an unstable Hassenfeld unicorn successfully taking down a half dozen armed police officers in Florida, a few questions have arisen between me and several others, possibly regarding a contract.
Could these Hassenfeld "ponies" be used in a military and/or law enforcement setting? More specifically, the unicorns?
I am presently aware that this species is predominantly pacifist; I know this well from experience. If these "ponies" are so fragile (when not psychotic), could a special breed be made to fit the roles we need?
Should a contract be struck, these standards (and possibly more) will be required:
1. That the Hassenfelds be mentally and physically capable of operating on the battlefield.
2. That the Hassenfelds no longer be restricted to a single (or a few) imprint-driven owner(s).
3. That the Hassenfelds not be infertile.
If these standards cannot be met, a contract is NOT within consideration, unless successful arguments can be made in opposition to these standards.
If the Hassenfeld Bros. Corporation is interested in striking a contract, please mention so in any response email, and I will notify my higher-ups and send representatives.
Best regards,
Brigadier General Anon y. Mous, United States Army
>>25618606
Is anyone currently writing any greens for this? Oh my god so many ideas could be done. I'm getting giddy just at the thought.
>>25619417
neat
>>25619475
Hassenfelds can and are used in law enforcement partnerships.
However, imprinting and fertility protocols are required by law, which is why there aren't armies of ponies being used as proxies for armed conflicts. Public fears of a Skynetting restrict AI-Military development for much the same lines.
That is not meant to indicate that Hassenfelds have not nor are incapable of military service, as the EQ-9 Corps of the US Army has shown over the past decade and a half. There are ponies with Silver Stars and DSCs serving in the Army, pegasi drone-escorts in the USAF (and we had nothing to do with naming them the "Wonderbolts" other than granting permission), and unicorns serving on carrier duty with the Navy.
Weaponizing ponies would be a flagrant violation of UNSAT and as such, we respectfully cannot meet your request. Further, we find it disrespectful to the many Hassenfelds that serve, including the numerous RYG-S11 and BAT-S24's.
>>25619499
there were a few, but most died/had no pastebins
Dear Hassenfeld Brothers:
My pony likes to teleport. What's a "thaumic field" and how can I get one so I can teleport with him? It looks like fun!
Andy Nymous
