Let’s get hypothetical.
You’re a writer who’s been going at it for a bit now. You really enjoy what you do and put your blood, sweat, and tears into each story. One day, you decide to post it in a random thread to get some feedback.
Just one problem: no takers.
You wonder if you should even bother writing; you decide to quit and move on to something else.
If that story applies to you, then hold your horses. If all you wanted was feedback, to improve your writing skills a bit, or maybe just see how others do it, then you’ve come to the right place. There are a few rules, however:
>Posting the story directly in the thread is preferred over a link to Pastebin, FiMFiction, etc.
>One story at a time.
>Don’t be a dick or asshole when reading or critiquing.
>All stories posted within the thread must be pre-written.
This thread’s purpose is to encourage writefags all over /mlp/ to write. We’re laid back here. Post what you want as long as it’s pone related. We’re not all “STOREEEYS ONLY!” We discuss topics such as writing techniques, interesting tropes, and bring forth story ideas. Let’s have fun.
>>25669010
Tips and links:
Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug’s tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup:
http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f
http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)
Had to. Puns are awesome.
Things you should know about writing:
Clever’s Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn’s Guite to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/
A few authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy
>“How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>“FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way to cure it, but, if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing; there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*.
-Write anyway, and allow yourself to write shitty stories. More often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.
*Unless you’re writing clop, then listen to your boner.
And what a fucking way to start, with a critique coming later that same day. Until then, I have a question that will hopefully get some discussion.
When does character description stop being cool and useful, and starts being a chore to read?
>>25669127
When you make a space in the story for character despcription.
You just gotta describe them by how they act.
You have to MAKE the characters.
Not give an instruction manual in what to expect from them.
That's what I strive for anyways.
Page 9 bump.
>>25670160
That's some good insight, I have to make a habit of that.
Can I get a review on my story now? you let the thread die before you could review it https://www.fimfiction.net/story/166524/sunsets-on-spike-sunset-of-canterlot
>>25670914
Sure. I'm going to an office Christmas party later today, then having my own afterparty, and I have a critique to post somewhere amidst all that. Tomorrow, my day of recovery, I will give you a firm date to expect the critique.
bumps
>>25671756
BUMP 2ed
>>25671108
I am monitoring this thread, so post that critique whenever you're ready.
>>25673066
Iceman if you want to read it I would be thankful
>>25673066
Just got back, made an ass of myself in front of some of my coworkers. I'll be finishing your critique shortly.
>>25673755
Thanks and a hint, the Grammar and spelling may (Are) problematic, Just a warning
>>25673747
Sorry, I'm a writer, not a critic. The critique little guy was referring to was a critique of my story that I posted last thread.
>>25673755
Copy that.
So a while ago I mentioned something about wanting to do my own thing with the Umbrum. After stewing on it for a while I came up with some stuff:
>Umbrum are an offshoot race of Unicorns (I head canon that Cryatal Ponies are off shoots from Earth Ponies and Bat Ponies an offshoot of Pegasus Ponies)
>Long ago when the three races left their ancestor home, a faction of Unicorns refused to leave
>They say they were lead by one of the other children of the Unicorn King, but their name is lost to history and no records show that the Unicorn King had any other children, though this could be by design or the records were lost/destroyed/etc after a few centuries
>They learned that the Wendigo were empowered by hate, so they sought to fight fire with fire
>They delved into forbidden magic, expanding into what dark magic is today
>They fought the Wendigo and eventually drove them out
>It was hard for a while after that, as being unicorns they can't grow crops as well as Earth Ponies. But they endured, and came out stronger.
>After several generations of practicing dark magic, the Unicorns became touched by the dark: Hardening their hearts, twisting their horns and other features, and even making them lose the ability to gain cutie marks
>Eventually they we're so far removed from their cousins in the south they took a new name: The Umbrum
>They saw the other races as weak and lower than them, and after learning of the Crystal Empire, they decided to plunder it
>But they did not realize the power of the Crystal Queen, who put a spell on their entire kind to condemn them to the dark places under the world
>For a time, the Umbrum were beaten. But they adapted to the dark, and endured again
I've got some on their main city and a bit on their culture, but I at least wanted to get their history down first.
>>25674026
Kinda forgot to mention: looking for any type of feedback or other ideas about their history. I will admit the whole thing about losing their cutie marks seems kinda dumb, but I was going on the fact that Sombra is a canon blank flank after the S5 finale. Plus it shows what happens if ponies stray too far from harmony and that crap.
>>25673800
My guess is you played out a real chess game to take note of how all the pieces moved, so you could give me a proper chess experience. I’m considering trying to recreate it with one of my buddies tonight, actually, to back that up. The question I have, though, is why? You have Anon and the Element of Magic together in a conversational environment, but, instead of taking me through some of the things they say, you treat me to a play-by-play of their game. I’m also a fan of chess, but I’m not that big a fan.
To your credit, the description was so concise and terse that I was not bored, which surprises me even as I write it out in your critique. Seems like kind of a waste, though. Chess especially is a good, underused (from what I see, anyway) way to parallel conversations and keep them snappy. I’m seeing Anon and Twilight going back and forth with their game, starting with Anon grilling Twilight on the science of friendship and magic, and the conversation slowly turning around so that Twilight is asking him about himself, and the chess game developing at the same pace. Every five or six dialogue lines, you can drop in a description of a piece move, to keep the whole thing grounded.
What this is all pointing to is the slightly larger of my two concerns, and that is that things are taking their sweet time to get rolling. Chapter one got Anon to Equestria and set up his character, chapter two introduced the other main characters and crystallized his predicament, and chapter three allows for him to work with Twilight later on. Was getting him to this point so difficult that it required an entire chapter? I think not. I think you could have replaced a lot of the chess fluff with development and set him up around the halfway point, allowing for the conflict to appear by the end. If not the actual conflict, then suggestions of it. 1/?
>>25674124
I feel like, having finished this chapter, I’m no closer to getting to the meat of the story than I was at the end of chapter two. A lot of this is because of the wasteful chess scene, but I think a significant part of the reason is also in the way you handled Rarity. On page nine of the Google doc, you have Anon quip that he finds fashion boring, and Rarity has no response. That raised my eyebrow very much. Such an outspoken pony, not defending her passion? You can argue that she’s just being polite to the newcomer, but then why would she not, instead, give him some kind of passive-aggressive response?
I actually didn’t see much of Rarity here at all. Once he decides that he’s going to go with her, she falls in line suspiciously readily, making almost no small talk and putting forth little effort to extend that olive branch. She’s no Pinkie Pie, to be sure, but I would expect at least a little more friendliness out of her, even if it’s just a barrage of banal comments on his alien physique. Then, when he starts trying to fuck with her by picking apart the nature of friendship, I found it extremely strange how she clams up. The way it happens, the way she fails to offer her own insights and instead shrinks under his cynical observations, makes it seem like, one, she has something to hide, and two, that you’re trying to make Anon into some kind of infallible anti-hero. I mean, here comes this brilliant scientist, blundering into pony world, using the indigenes’ knowledge to help him back home, obliterating their happy worldview in the process, and they’re powerless to stop it. This is the impression I got from the Rarity scene. 2/?
>>25674145
Of course, I have no clue what you’re planning with this story, but, if you’re going to shoot for Anon raining on their parade with his understanding of friendship as parasitism, you may want to exercise some caution. It’s definitely edgy, and you’ll have a really hard time making it work with the ponies being as submissive as you have Rarity.
That leads me back to an earlier point: I’m not seeing much Rarity in your Rarity. She seems more like a servitor to challenge Anon’s patience, much as Twilight seems to be there just to answer his questions. I’m not as worried about that because it’s more in Twilight’s personality, but I don’t think Rarity would have such an understated presence. What I think is happening is that you’re writing the ponies so that their roles in the story are determined by Anon’s presence. So, instead of you having Rarity be herself, and suddenly dealing with Anon, you have her there specifically to play a part in his story. I did not get the impression that she had her own life or her own affairs to worry about before he came along. The way she was able to immediately devote her time to him, the way she went out of her way to track him down, the way she seemed most concerned, not about who or what he is, but what he’s been told about her—it all makes her look unauthentic. Then, the way she just bends over and lets him have his way with her in their friendship conversation, she almost looks like a tool for determining how much smarter he is than everyone else. The reason you want to avoid that is because you don't want your main character too centralized. If he is, then the story suddenly feels less real. If this were from the first person perspective, and Anon was telling this story directly, it could work with the whole unreliable narrator thing, but, here, it's just everyone reacting to him and having their actions informed by his presence, and no real person behaves this way. 3/4
>>25674185
Lastly, and a bit tangentially, I found the first page to be a bit much in terms of the impenetrable science talk. I do appreciate it, I guess, but it was kind of dry, and I can see a lot of readers being irked at its presence in your pony story. If you want to keep it, it’ll probably be okay, but you might consider paring it down a touch.
So, overall, while there wasn’t a whole lot hugely wrong with this, there was a lot of wasted potential. I found his interactions with the ponies to be lacking, and I fear that you’re misusing their positions in the story. I can’t say anything solid, of course, since I don’t know where you’re going, but I would advise caution here. If your intent is for these characters to challenge Anon, and interact with him in ways that don’t immediately point out his intellectual superiority, you’ll need to make some changes.
This is an amazingly short critique from me, which is a good sign. It means that there's not much going on that I felt I needed to talk about for this chapter. 4/4
And I'm out. I'll see everyone tomorrow.
>>25674124
>>25674145
>>25674185
>>25674201
>My guess is you played out a real chess game to take note of how all the pieces moved, so you could give me a proper chess experience. I’m considering trying to recreate it with one of my buddies tonight, actually, to back that up.
I'm glad you thought that way, but the game is completely made up. I don't actually know if it would work. And I kinda don't want it too. Part of me wants to have this illusion that the chess game is real, and Twilight and Anon seem good at chess to anyone who hasn't played it very much, but the real joke is they're both awful. Smart at some things, but not at others. But that may be beside the point.
A lot of your concerns echoed my own. I was definitely looking for a little more to do with the chess scene, and I wasn't totally satisfied with how Anon's interaction with Rarity went down, probably because I started from the last couple lines of dialogue and kind of rushed to get there. So, yes, definitely going to revisit all that. Thank you very much for the critique, as always.
beep
>>25674223
thanks mate
>>25670914
I'll be working at the horse show today, giving me a surprising amount of downtime. I'll give it a look then.
When is it acceptable to have little characterization?
Bump darling,
>>25677777
>>25677777
this is one heck of a get
>>25677777
A.
Bump.
Get.
>>25677777
>>25673800
A word of advice, you should still be critiquing other work. It will help you grow as a writer, and you will be able to give decent advice when someone asks for it.
If you're worried about looking silly just take your name off. Really though you shouldn't be.
>>25674145
I respectfully disagree, I feel the chess scene was a great way to add action to the story. While I do think it was longer than it should have been, I don't think he should remove it altogether.Same anon that reviewed it earlier
>>25678747
indeed
>>25674275
chess is like that
>>25677777
Any news on sunset story?
>>25674275
Well, we played it, and it fell apart immediately, not because the moves were dumb, though they may have been, but because of inconsistency and vagueness in the piece movements. If you want to make a joke for the one in a hundred anon who's going to pick the scene apart, you'd want to actually play a game poorly, instead of just fucking around and making shit up. The joke was not that they don't know how to play chess, but that you didn't want to check for consistency.
Anyway.
Rushing through a chapter is not a good thing to do, like I need to tell you that. Don't be afraid to take your time on things. Quality is more important than speed. And, as always, you're welcome.
>>25677027
If a character is in a minor position, little to no characterization is acceptable. Background characters, characters that pop in for crucial scenes as catalysts or witnesses, but don't actually affect the story outside of that one scene, and things like that. Note that it's acceptable for them, not ideal.
>>25677777
Checked.
>>25678935
I didn't say he should remove it; I just pointed out that it was overlong and kind of wasteful.
>>25682899
I will have a critique for you on Tuesday.
>>25677777
very nice
>>25683597
Well, that was my thought if the game was actually playable, but the moves were stupid. But if it's not even playable in the first place, then I don't know what to do. Considering that the game seemed convincing at the outset, and I doubt anyone is actually going to try to play it, then I don't think it's worth the amount effort.
>>25683597
>I didn't say he should remove it; I just pointed out that it was overlong and kind of wasteful.
I couldn't pay much attention to it at the time, but I figured if that isn't what you said you'd correct me kek
>>25684216
I want this as a wallpaper.
Now.
>>25685398
do it
>>25685317
That's up to you to determine, but I'm of the opinion that if you're going to do something, you should do it right. Even if nobody notices, even if just one person notices, it's a display of personal integrity.
>>25685395
Darn tootin' I would.
Fuck me if I can't start a story worth a shit.
But once it gets going and I get some good music blasting, it's actually pretty fun.Thanks for convincing me to get into it guys.
>>25687481
I have the exact opposite problem. Inspiration will hit and I'll bang out a few pages, then I'll go back and edit them to perfection, then when I try to continue the story I'll realize I'm writing fanfiction for fucking my little pony and just freeze up.
>>25687722
>I'll realize I'm writing fanfiction for fucking my little pony and just freeze up.
Yeah I know what you mean.
I think I just need to stop giving a shit about that aspect of it. Got no problem writing fiction of my own. Why should it bother me that I'm writing about ponies?
>>25687752
Yeah, it really just needs time. I always need a bit to settle into whatever new degeneracy I've discovered without cringing, this is no different.
>>25677777
My bump is nothing compare to yours.
>>25688788
nice
>>25689082
Thank you.
Also: >10
>>25690258
it's a sleepy hour
>>25690263
Maybe in other places. In my time zone it's rather dinner time.When ponies eat dinner?
>>25690268roughly around dinner time.
>>25690978But, is it legal to eat dinner in dinner time? Maybe it's more taxed, or something.
>>25691819dont be silly
>>25691932But being silly is my trade mare...
bumo
>>25692775then be sillier
>>25693506
zumo?
Shit. Didn't see you guys in the catalog
Got a question: when is ambiguity acceptable? When is it not acceptable?
>>25696719
Bump
Jumpsss
>>25696719
Depends, really.
>>25696719
Ambiguity in description can be acceptable when the thing is itself ambiguous, like a poorly seen or obscured aspect, the character doesn't fully understand it, or if you are withholding information for some reason. If, for instance, knowing the identity of a character prematurely will spoil a plot point, a touch of ambiguity can be acceptable. Of course, as with all things, moderation is key. You don't want really clear characters standing next to "the forest green earth pony," 'cause that contrast in styles will be unappealing and weird.
Ambiguity on character intentions and motivations is acceptable as long as there's clearly a reason for it, even if that reason is as simple as the other characters haven't really pieced things together yet. If you can make it clear that someone's acting mysteriously for a reason that is not arbitrary, ambiguity is fine.
>>25687808
>>25687722
almost three years later and I still have problems with it
it might never go away, man
>>25698465
>>25696719
>>25698190
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVI7S6zKiBM
>studying for finals
>brain decides this is the right time to hit me with motivation to work on my first fic ever that I started and abandoned after a couple pages
fucking why
>>25699094
Same here. It's procrastination. I really don't want to study, so my brain tries to find other things to fill the time
>>25701490
wake up
>>25702610
BRUSH YOUR TEETH PUT ON A LITTLE MAKE UP
>>25683597
Well whenever you get to the sunset would be great
pmub
save
>>25705163
This
>>25702844
it's grab your brush, fuckin' casual
Sunshine and Fire updated today!
>>25706515
Woo
>>25703313
I'm working on it right now. Not sure how long it'll be 'til it's up, but it will be up before I'm in bed.
She's bump, she's bump, she's bump, she's in my head
>>25709542
Good song.
>>25703313
You warned me about your grammar, but damn. So, my first piece of advice would be to go online and look up the basics, such as how to use a comma, what a question mark is, and how to formulate quotes. I’m not all that interested in going over it, to be honest. Like, this is grade school stuff, and I'm not a proofreader; I'm a critic.
The actual content of the story was lacking in several ways. Any action that shows up seems to resolve itself in a matter of one or two sentences. In chapter one, when Sombra has his dagger, Twilight jumps in and saves her goddess’ life in a paragraph, destroying this supposedly impossibly powerful magical weapon. Then, a couple lines of dialogue and a sentence or two later, the battle and chapter are over. This is the reason why Celestia is dying, which is a pretty big deal; it needs to be explained way better. I’m talking greater detail, more time for the fight to actually go on, and so forth. What I read felt more like someone’s summary of a story than a story, because you never slow down to actually provide substantive information about events. I see you trying to do it with stippling in bits of dialogue, but dialogue between these hasty, general declarations of action just gives the story an uncomfortable start-and-stop tone. If you want dialogue to break up action, the action needs to be detailed to the point where character lines don’t seem to come out of nowhere. It needs to be slowed down and explained so that I can actually imagine and envision the characters as they are, not simply bodies hurtling through the air. 1/?
>>25710043
In the first chapter, you tell me that Sombra has enough power to destroy Celestia, the goddess of their world, and that he’s just been amassing it for a long time. You can’t just dump unprecedented plot contraindications on people like that, because it demands way too much suspension of disbelief. Why does Sombra have more power than the goddess? Why does he use it now, and not earlier? Why has no one found out, or stopped him, or anything? Why does he have a dagger that can suck the life out of her, and where did he get it? These are the unaddressed questions you’re raising by having him be inexplicably able to destroy Celestia.
In chapter three, the same thing happens when they wind up with Zecora, who lets them in with no prelude or questions. They knock, she sees what’s happening, and is immediately ready with a goddess-saving potion. There’s no reason that anything like this should be happening, so you need to explain it. For this scene especially, it’s as easy as saying that Sunset quickly told Zecora what had happened, Zecora let them in, and, in a time interval of ten or twenty minutes, whipped up a potion to try to stem Celestia’s death. It doesn’t have to be complex or lengthy, but give me some indication that an actual sequence of events happened, not just “knock on door, receive potion, Celestia’s okay.” Similarly, you need more space between Celestia weakening and the sky going completely dark, by which I mean, you need more prose there. You need more description. The way it is now, with the sky blacking out pretty much the instant she loses enough power, it seems hokey and absurd, even more so after Sunset blasts the moon back to where it should go in the space of one sentence, despite that “she [had never] guessed that she could be capable of this.” 2/?
>>25710064
I mean, you say she never thought she was capable of that power, but I haven’t even seen her show any power until that point, so that touch of doubt you try to inject comes across as disingenuous. She saved the world in one sentence, no description, no apparent effort on her part, and yet she’s amazed that she could do it? Are you seeing the disconnect?
I’m not asking for a step-by-step explanation of everything. For instance, you don’t need to do that with all of Sunset’s lessons, or her first experience in the library; ordinary things like that need no huge explanation, because they can be imagined easily enough. It’s the more interesting, less natural things that need this treatment. Twists, minor variations in plot and character, actions that don’t seem immediately intuitive—they all need some sign that there’s a cause for them. Some need more than others. Sombra’s amazing, goddess-destroying power needs a very healthy dose of this kind of explanation.
Simply dumping a paragraph of backstory for such a thing would not work, though. Ideally, you weave exposition into the narrative. So instead of stepping away from the battle to answer all the questions you imagine will arise from Somra’s power and his uses of it, you’d want to find a way to incorporate the information into the story surrounding the battle. Maybe Twilight asks a couple questions of Celestia. Maybe she sees some sign of Sombra’s past in the chamber. Maybe she finds a clue later on to explain things. The point is that you need to find smooth ways of including vital information, and there is no one way to do that. 3/?
>>25710079
This isn’t helped by the fact that your character dialogue is often simply exposition. When Twilight enters Luna’s chamber, she screams “You will not defeat Celestia you evil monster.” Who takes the time to say all that in a big chase scene like this? Why does she have to specify that Glimmer’s an evil monster? Or in chapter two, with Celestia describing the training. With only her brief words on what the training is to give me an idea of what Sunset went through, I have no reason to care about her when she’s done with it, because, from my perspective, nothing has happened. Character dialogue is meant to convey personality, not only explain what’s going on in a scene.
On the topic of character, Sunset has almost none; what is there makes her into an insufferable Mary Sue. Right from the beginning, you say, in chapter two, that she’s begging Celestia to hatch the egg for Spike’s sake, and not her own. Stating it in the way you do makes her seem like a would-be martyr, and, as far as first impressions go, that is overwhelming and unrealistic. Forget that the Sunset we know from the movies was originally driven and ambitious, which is enough reason in and of itself to change this part. Turning her into this bleeding heart, sappy empath before anything else doesn’t jive, because that’s a really flat character trait. That’s like if I asked you to describe Sunset’s character, and you said “well, she cares more about others than herself” and left it at that. That kind of other-centricity doesn’t tell me anything except itself. It’s a single character trait that stands out in a chapter filled with vagueness and summarization, which makes it the only character trait I have to apply to her as I read, and that’s extremely weak. 4/?
>>25710102
If I’m supposed to care about Sunset, I need more than your word for it that she cares about Spike more than herself. I need to see her doing things and interacting with characters, not just being swiftly shunted from location to location as you describe what will happen, and why Celestia wants it.
From there, you just characterize her as a good student who does everything Celestia says, with no independent thoughts or actions. So far, all she’s done is spout the same saccharine friendship bullshit that Twilight occasionally will in her episodes. I know this is only the beginning, but characterization starts immediately. Unless she’s supposed to be a mindless apple in Celestia’s eye to set up for some kind of drastic change later on, this needs to be ironed out, because, right now, she’s flatter than a piece of paper. At least Twilight had some kind of clear motivation for her parts in the early sections, though having her come in screaming at the start of chapter one was kind of charmless.
In chapter three, you go even further and give Sunset, the bearer of the sun and moon, and also the wielder of the Elements of Harmony, leadership of Celestia’s school, and I’m wondering why. From a purely realistic standpoint, why would Celestia ever put that much pressure on her student when she still has a palace full of other qualified ponies to run her institution? From a more plot-oriented standpoint, there’s no real reason for her to have the school. In your description, she and Spike are going to be dealing with the world basically coming undone around them, so why would she need to have the school under her control? Then, at the end of that chapter, you have Spike speak for the first time, and he pretty much prostrates himself before her. 5/?
>>25710122
He doesn’t say anything about himself, just announces that she is way smarter than he. Is that supposed to convince me that she’s some kind of prodigy? Her supposed magical skill is founded, not on character actions, but by you telling me about it, and then Spike comes in to repeat what you’ve said, and it all sounds very flimsy and unfounded. If she’s so powerful, have her do something powerful, and make it seem that way. Don’t just have her undo some cataclysmic spell in one shot and move on without explanation or embellishment.
I think I’ve covered all my thoughts on the major flaws here. The problems are so general and big that I don’t want to stray too far in any direction with abstraction or more detailed explanations of possible examples, because I have no way to know what would and would not be useful for you. So let’s move on to a few smaller issues that jumped out at me.
Chapter one is a preponderance of abrupt switches from scene to scene, which was actually okay, given the nature of the chase. However, when you have Twilight get pushed all the way across the forest, and she just hops up like it’s nothing, that took me out of the story. Then, right after, you deliver Luna’s moon incarceration scene in a single sentence, and it was much too brief. I know the moon imprisonment is old news to anyone who knows the show, but you could describe it at least a little more. This is being mentioned outside the larger section on description because it’s slightly different from the other action scenes. This one, because it’s description of a known event, does not have to be treated as severely as the others. 6/8
>>25710141
In chapter two, you need to add line breaks or other indicators when you’re flashing from the present to the past, as well as when you’re switching points of view. Such changes, without warning, are unpleasantly jarring, and cause the reader to stop for a moment to get his or her bearings. A bit past the halfway point, you say that Celestia is leading Sunset around the palace as a mother would a child, and I think that’s laying it on rather too thick.
In chapter three, right at the top, you call Zecora a pony. Then, when the moon starts getting out of control, you say “even Zecora began to feel the evil energies” like she’s some kind of superlative for evil detection. The phrasing on it is weird in a way that I did not note repeated elsewhere. Later on, you ask the rhetorical question of whether being Celestia’s heir was worth Sunset losing her childhood, but I see no point to it. Celestia herself brings up that issue, so you repeating it is helping nothing, and, besides, Sunset doesn’t seem to suffer very much in these four chapters, so the question is moot anyway.
In chapter four, first paragraph, you say “Somehow he felt like she belonged with him,” and that is just preposterously transparent. We all know Spike and Twilight are the canon duo, and outright stating it as this unprecedented, isolated bolt of intuition is useless. It’s not adding anything to the story. Then, in that same sentence, you mention Spike’s gruffness, but all he’s done up to this point is announce how much better Sunset is than he. 7/8
>>25710158
On a more general note, I wish you’d stop telling me how things are going to be, and instead take the time to actually write them out. Like I mentioned elsewhere, that kind of writing makes this story read more like a summary than a piece of fiction.
My recommendation is one I do not often find myself giving, and that is to rewrite this entirely. The litany of grammatical errors and issues with character and description makes this story highly informal and inexpert. Sunset is a shell of a Mary Sue, and Spike has been relegated to being an object to demonstrate her superiority. Twilight is just noisy and vengeful, and I felt no authenticity in her emotion toward either Glimmer or her dying goddess, and Celestia herself, though you say she's weak, doesn’t seem to have much trouble doing what she wants to do with Sunset and Twilight. Lastly, the action happened so quickly and with so little detail that nothing stuck with me, and the grammar was, as you know, dreadful. You need to find a proofreader, but also learn to be one for yourself. Good luck. 8/8
How do you guys feel about music in greentext?
>>25710804
I like it actually. To me, it helps bring me into the writer's vision of what he had in mind.
Plus, you get to jam to some music you might not have heard before.
Ain't even mad really.
>>25710043
>such as how to use a comma, what a question mark is, and how to formulate quotes
fucking savage/10
>>25710804
Whenever I read horror (fics or real books) I put on The Haxan Cloak's album Excavation. Makes for great atmosphere.
>>25710933
Speaking of books, what do you guys read when you're not reading fanfics?
>>25710943
Non-fiction.
Morning
>>25712272
Good morning, ANon.
>>25712272
>>25712850
Howdy y'all!
>>25713348
I know what it feels like to get a tough review, but he's making these suggestions because he thinks you can improve. Trust me, everyone writes a god awful story. You're not a unique, especially bad writer because of a story that needs a lot if work
>>25710933
Hoo boy. Little guy, where you at?
>>25710943
My favorite series right now are Gentleman Bastards by Scott Lynch and the First Law series by Joe Abercrombie
>>25715767
interesting
O I am buuumping
>>25713957
I don't know what you're talking about either but I can be the little boy if you want.
Of requiring dialogue assistance!
Is this correct?
"To strange events." she corrected, as she took out another book. "I'm sure the two of you have read this?"
"Prancing-"
"-Discontent !" they blurted out. "That's the book I lost!"
----
The scene is with two ponies talking to another character
>>25713138
Howdy!
>>25713620
What happened here? What did he have to say?
>>25713957
>>25715692
>>25717909
That's Groceries, who forgot his trip for the post. The reference is that Excavation is one of my favorite albums, and he was expecting, rightly, for me to say something when I saw the post about it.
>>25718142
Almost. The only thing is the period at the end of your first quote; it needs a comma. Aside from that, it's fine.
>>25718211
>What happened here? What did he have to say?
He deleted it, so I don't feel at liberty to say
>>25718211
So it should be "To strange events.", she corrected.?
>>25718539
A comma replacing the period, is what I meant.
>>25718298
Can I get a general impression?
>>25718682
He took the criticism the wrong way
>>25718728
Dayum shame.
How edgy would an EQG story about Anon becoming wealthy through illegitimate means (e.g. betting rings on school games) be? The story wouldn't glorify his actions, and they'd all come crashing down, but still thought I'd ask.
>>25719589
Betting money on school games? Gotta be honest, I would read that, and that doesn't really come off edgy. Unless there's another meaning to "Betting Rings"
>>25719589
Depends on what 'edgy' you're looking for, since it would follow illegal stuff, one would expect a bunch of other dark thematic variables such ass drugs, sex or whatever, and then have it all come down to a Scarface ending.
What you should be looking to do is make light of the situation without turning it into some grimdark 2serious4u psychological story. It is after all, just an EG story with a self insert and several show-related characters.
>>25719589
That's not edgy. It might come across as self-indulgent if done wrong but you said it comes crashing down so there's little danger of that happening.
Edgy is when Twilight's neurotic, mild paranoia turns into dissecting Ponk so she can figure out how her sixth sense works.
>>25719631
>What you should be looking to do is make light of the situation without turning it into some grimdark 2serious4u psychological story. It is after all, just an EG story with a self insert and several show-related characters.
That's kind of how I was planning on going about it. The focus was going to be on Anon living the high-life: the parties, the fancy toys, the shenanigans he gets into with his money and arrogance. I was thinking about slapping him back into reality at the end, where he gets in over his head when a house party turns disastrous
>>25719899
vbumpv
>>25718211
Hello!, how have you been?
How everybody have been?
How are you people of many bumps?!
>>25719631
>What you should be looking to do is make light of the situation without turning it into some grimdark 2serious4u psychological story. It is after all, just an EG story with a self insert and several show-related characters.
This.bamp
>>25721923
Forest Bump
Hump
>>25723962
yup, SFW for sure
Is this a common thing: I'm glancing through a popular story, and the first thing that sticks out is that nothing Anon does has any consequences. Sure, Anon's awkward, but every misstep is followed up by an immediate forgiveness, and nothing happens, so I'm left wondering why it was even brought up in the first place. Is this how you write a "flawed" character?
>>25724688
No, it's just that the majority of AiE fics are wish fulfillment shitfests.
Working on this.
Sorta slow I know, but I plan on speeding it up after I get the exposition out of the way.
Be as mean as you gotta be.
>You wake up and sit up on your bed.
>Looking over to your nightstand, you can confirm your camcorder coming back with you.
>Before you toss the tape into your TV, as excited as you are, you need to wake up enough to be able to play head games.
>Well, that and another day as the worlds premier psychological scholar brings with it more work to push through.
>After rubbing your rough shaven face for a minute or two, you toss your feet over the side of the padded cloud and into awaiting slippers.
>The strange material wraps your feet in an exquisite hug, feeling more like dipping your feet into a warm tropical lagoon than into slippers.
>The sun on the left foot, moon on the right, both swirling in an enchanting fusion of colors respective to the symbol.
>Bright, pastel rainbow colors underlay the sun.
>A deep, nebulous sort of backdrop, complete with twinkling gemstones and gassy texture fill in for the moon (that keeps in time with the stages of your moon.)
>Snapping out of your early morning stupor causes you to jump a bit, and you head into the kitchen with the little recorder.
>>25725053
>After pressing a switch on the coffee pot and preheating the oven, you lean against the counter as spare time and curiosity drive you insane.
"Its just a camcorder Anon, in this world its not that interesting."
>...
>Still, if any of this is real, then the battery...
"Dammit."
>You cave to your desire to know, grabbing the plastic camera and flipping open the screen leaf, which flashes a half drained battery.
>Some kinda weird feeling floods into you, a mixture of apprehension, a burning desire to view its contents, a sort of confusion about the whole situation, and a tiny bit of fear for your actual sanity.
>It was fully charged when you went to bed last night, as your habits dictate, and it shouldn't have been using any battery when completely turned off.
>The only explanation for the dip in power lay in the carefully constructed façade your mind seems to have concocted last night.
>Your rational mind screams that that's all it was; an advanced form of dream.
>Something in the back of your head scratches at your reasoning, and you follow the urge to look past the tiny blue screen still displaying a battery icon.
>There, on your feet, sits the only proof, bar the camera battery, that last night actually happened.
"No, if something actually happened last night then the camera must've caught it...!"
>Your hand strays up to the play button, finger dancing around the circular structure, until-
>*DING!*
>The camera goes crashing to the floor while you rocket up the other direction in shock, gravity eventually having its way with you again as you fall to the floor clutching your chest.
>A glance (read: scowl) at the oven tells you what the timer stated just a second ago.
>Ready and preheated.
>After collecting the camcorder, your loose shit, and the sausage biscuits from the freezer, you toss in the half assed breakfast and reset the timer for fifteen minutes.
>A once over of the gray plastic hull shows no damage, much to your relief.
>>25725064
>Yay for that, at least.
>An enchanting smell hits you full force in the nostrils as the coffee maker emits a strange gurgling noise.
"Well, I suppose there are other things to take pleasure in today."
>A mug comes out of the cabinet, rainbow colored text wrapping round from one side of the handle to the other, proudly stating that, "The mind is a mystical mystery!"
>...
>How ironic you'd pull that mug out of the cabinet completely at random.
>Oh well.
>You pour the magical blend of Sumatran coffee beans into the mug and replace the pot before taking a draw on the scalding, bitter brew.
>They say that those who drink coffee black are statistically more likely to be mentally unstable.
>Your face scrunches up.
"What an errant thought to have in the morning."
>>25725075
>It came out in a study not too long ago, in fact you know the head of that particular study pretty well, so it is related to your occupation you guess.
>Still, it strangely relates to you doesn't it?
"The man who dreams of colorful, waist height equines that can talk, fly, and use magic. Oh, he's also the greatest mind to ever attempt to comprehend the mind! An insane snake eating its own tail that one!"
>The levels of enthusiasm in the kitchen dip to dangerous lows while you try to shake off that fucked up, though admittedly solid argument.
"Well, that slitherbelly'd have to be either really insane or really hungry to eat its own tail. The former over the latter simply because it chose this confusing ass line of work."
>The mood in the air cheers up a bit, causing you to actually crack a lazy smile at your lighthearted joke.
>This time when the oven rings, you're ready for it and pull out the sausage biscuits, adding some cheese from the fridge and setting it down at the table in the dining room.
>Before digging in though, you think it time to sate the hunger in your head, and maybe in your heart a little, and then work on the hunger in your stomach.
>You walk around the bar that separates the dining room from the living room and connect the camera to the computer, which in turn is connected to the enormous LED 80 inch TV currently coming to life.
>Flicking on the last log in the camcorder, you dive back to the table and peer over the bar at the snowy television.
>The static suddenly gives way to a mass of colorful landscape, the forms and shapes and extremely cheerful hues melting together as the camera focuses and moves around to fit you in the picture.
>>25725089
Will post more when I have time
>>25724688Which story?
>>25725268
The homecoming story
BLoop
>>25725671
Oh, good. I was concerned that it was one of my stories.
>>25690268
She probably caught a glimpse of that dimension. Now that'd be a fanfiction. It certainly has a much more solid base than "she sat on a bench once", or "derpy-eyed scrunch".
>>25719057
Little guy, I am sorry about what I said. I was a little disappointed in my writing skills but decided to take your words to heart. I have started to rewrite the story, but I don't know if it's any better at all (Only got the first half of the first chapter done) I don't blame you, you were correct and I realized after I typed my complaint I was in the wrong.
>>25726830
I know that feeling. The first bits of criticism about a project you love can feel like punches in the guts even if they're constructive, especially if you're not so used to critique. Pic not really related.
>>25719899
Sounds cool. If I found that story outside this thread, I'd still read it.
>>25721923
Not bad, but busy as hell, more than usual. A couple big events are going on for me. You haven't missed much out of the ordinary, though.
>>25724688
If, by putting "flawed" in quotation marks, you mean "superficially imperfect but with everything going for him anyway," then yes, and it is a horrible thing to do to a character. If you want a properly flawed character, you pretty much do the opposite of that, and let them face consequences of their actions, even if that will lead to failure. Flawed characters don't always get the good ending. This >>25724796 is also correct. A lot of popular stories right now are endless, indulgent fantasies that don't even try for plot or character integrity, at least not past the first sex scene.
>>25726830
I actually didn't see what you said, only that you had deleted it, so I never got offended, just perplexed. Hard critiques can be really rough if you're not ready for them, and you're definitely not alone in having received one. Thank you for the apology, though. I'd be happy to go over your story a second time, when you're done with it, if you'd like.
>>25727660
Yeah, it's also that I had always had a problem with my language skills (In special ed for it) and I thought I had improved.
>>25727807
Well right now I only have the first chapter wrote, and it is being split into two parts (I like to keep the chapters on the shorter part if possible) It is pretty much rewrote from scratch. I would hate to ask you to spend to much time on it, but if you can tell me if I improved so I know I am on the right track that would be great.
>>25727841
I can do that.
>>25727898
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/166524/sonata-of-sunset I renamed it, the title really sucked. I rewrote before the dawn (Pt one) and am working on part two as we speak
>>25727911
Okay, this is a marked improvement over the first chapter. I think splitting it was a good idea. The quotes are still off, though. The formula is quotation mark, words, comma, quotation mark, attributive.
>"Aw, fuck my ass, I got ketchup on my dakimura," said Twilight, an entire burger falling out of her mouth.
The action's better too. Your fight scenes can still benefit from more detail, but I know what's going on now. You are on the right track, for sure. I think you should keep working on cleaning up what you have, and then you can worry about improving description and such.
>>25728172
Thank you, I am glad I am improving. I think my next part will be more descriptive, and I threw out a lot of the Sombra fight to make it work a lot better.
>>25728195
I mean the old stuff, it's a much more action packed fight now.
Goodnight bump
>>25728195
>>25728202
No problem. Keep at it. Basic description isn't that hard, once you get a feel for it.
>>25727660
>tfw scared to post my shit because I'm awful at taking criticism
>>25725089
>You watch yourself on TV, your own face displaying some form of fear and confusion.
"This is Dr. Mous. Something strange has happened. After a few weeks of lucid dreaming and attempting to garner information about the human subconcious, it seems one of my advanced sleeping techniques have, for want of a better definition, landed me in some strange country, obviously not terrestrial in nature."
>The camera shifts a bit, flashing a posh, if cramped carriage filled with purple satin lining, upholstery, and purple carpeting.
>On the padded bench opposite TV-you sits a golden armored pony with a white coat and blue mane.
"As you can see, the majority of sentient lifeforms belong to the equus family, though there are many other forms of intelligent life, most being some sort of mythological creatures according to human knowledge."
>"Whatever that is, get it out of my face bub."
>The camera faces you again.
>>25731112
"As far as I've been informed, by a miss Fluttershy, the pony who found me, there are three primary species of pony, and an ascendent species as well. First are, curiously named, Earth ponies, whom are very average by human standards save for their size and, obviously their sentience."
>The you in the now pauses the TV with a press of a button, and you clean up breakfast.
>A quick glance at the clock reads 5:00; plenty of time to watch the four hour long video before your appointment with Mr. Abernathy at noon.
>After settling into the couch with another mug of steaming caffeine, the video resumes.
"After Earth ponies are pegasi, or a pegasus. These are ponies with feathered wings that are capable of flight. Finally, there are unicorns, whom anyone back home could recognize for their horns, which act as a natural catalyst for magic."
>That's something that confuses the fuck outta you even in reality.
>By all rights, magic cannot exist on this plane of existence, and even logic being warped by a dream has boundaries that stick somewhat loosely to the dreamers concept of reality.
>Most especially in a lucid dream.
>>25731117
"Yeah, that's not a joke. Magic. Apparently it exists here in... err, sorry what is this place called sir?"
>Somewhere off camera the bored looking guard answers with a grunt.
>"Equestria."
"Magic seems to be a very fundamental building block of these ponies' lives. This includes not only unicorns, but every species of pony. For example, Earth ponies are able to perform some passive ability I've dubbed 'terramancy' for how it affects the ground around them. Farming comes as easily to Earth ponies as breathing, and, even without planting seeds, any vegetation will bloom and fruit and grow at exponential rates comparative to Earth."
>Cure to world hunger if you could figure out how to manifest that power here.
>You'd be a rich man in no time flat.
>Well, you kinda are rich, but that's aside the point.
"Earth ponies are also extremely strong given their muscle mass is seemingly on par with their counterparts. Pegasi are unique in that they can, and hear me out here, pegasi can control the weather. A pegasus can naturally walk on clouds as if they were made of concrete, and can start a rainstorm simply by jumping up and down on one. I've observed at least one pegasus with the ability to produce rainbows as it flies, though I wasn't given enough information to find out if all pegai are capable of this. I need to remind myself to find out.
>>25731119
>Boy, at least Nawlins would appreciate the lack of hurricane season.
>That movie sucked by the way.
>But to be able to use a cloud as a solid building material would mean even more room for the human race to expand into.
>At least, terrestrial humans.
>That's not to say humans had gone any farther than the moon as of late, but still.
"And I've detailed that unicorns are able to manipulate the magical frequencies to their will, implementing elements like fire and water, telekinesis, even short range teleportation."
>Suddenly, its not so much of a fantasy anymore to see yourself as "Anonymous: the last air bender."
>Next Davy Copperfield right here! Someone call the news station.
>...
>Nah, cause then people'd try to use you as a miracle worker or something.
>You can stick to shoving your hand out the window of your car at sixty.
>That's enough air bending for you.
"Now, onto the ascendant species. The other ponies call this type 'alicorns' for the fact that they are all inclusive in their abilities to manipulate each type of magic at will, even the passive magics, and for the fact that they also have horns as well as wings."
>>25731124
>Would make for an interesting pet.
>'Oh hey! You got a new puppy? That's nice. My pet can fly and shoot lasers and shit. But your puppy sounds nice!'
>Honestly, its almost like what Dr. Frankenstein might wake up to after a night of some serious drinking.
"Alicorns seem to be very few in number, four in total if my source is to be believed. Interestingly, all four are female, and all four are royalty. This doesn't seem coincidental, considering that this world runs using a primarily matriarchal system, rather than our patriarchal one back home."
>Somewhere, a hamplanet, tumblrite SJW felt a disturbance in the force.
>"Down with the oppressive patriarchy! Burn rape culture!"
>I'll rape your culture if you don't shut up and stuff your hot air exhaust with a few deep fried twinkies next to the obliterated cardboard cup of shitty Starbucks coffee.
>What? Don't judge, you surf 4chan too faggot.
>That shit fucks errbudy up to some degree.
"Anyways, I've had the privilege to meet one of these royals, a Princess Twilight Sparkle, and am on my way now to the capitol to meet with the sovereign princesses. Oh! Before I forget, alicorn physiology is remarkable in that, while much more lithe than an average pony, their size is still comparable to one, rather than the ponies normally."
>Yeah, this shit is the boring part.
>Skip skip skip, meet and greet with Celestia.
>>25731128
>Discuss what you are, what you do, more insight into your species.
>Yadda yadda yadda.
>Except, right there!
>The play button stops the sped up silent movie.
>The princess you recognize as Celestia takes up most of the shot.
>Bright, immaculately white coat, and a mane that matches your left slipper.
>Her "Cutie mark", or the manifestation of that individuals special talent, is the same sun symbol as on the slipper.
>Its obvious that her attention is split between observing the camera, and observing and interviewing you.
>"What was it you said your line of work was Dr. Anonymous?"
"I'm a psychiatrist and a leading figure in the scientific community regarding studies of the mind and how different situations affect its progression. In short, I help people overcome their mental illnesses, vent their emotions, and in general relieve stress and tension on the mind."
>>25731133
>Her focus, all of it, snaps to you now.
>The camera may as well be hidden.
>"Is that so? How good would you rate yourself at this...psychology?"
"Well, I'm considered by the majority to be the most knowledgeable person on the subject. But really, there is still so much we don't know about the subconscious mind."
>"Interesting. So... Could it work on a pony? The whole, relieving the mind thing, could you use it on a pony?"
>You still aren't sure, despite what you know happens next.
"Well, theoretically it can be done, given that the sentient mind of a pony is similar to that of a human's. Ibsuppose I wouldn't turn down an opportunity to try."
>Okay, skip a bit forward again.
>Here we go, the 'appointment' with Celestia.
>The camera focuses in and out while it faces you trying to set it up too catch the scene.
"Okay, Dr. Anonymous to record a session with Princess Celestia of Equestria. This is the first time a human would have practiced a psychological evaluation on another species capable of higher thought. Let's begin."
>You move out of the shot, revealing Celestia lounging comfortably on a cushion.
>After taking a seat off screen, the questions begin.
"So, Ms. Celestia, let's start off easy. How do you feel at this very moment?"
>Celestia shifts around trying to come up with an answer.
>"I would say I'm rather apprehensive of the situation. Its not every day that an alien from another world shows up with the promise of stress relief. Pardon my bluntness."
This is what I got so far. Tell me what needs fixing.
>>25726823
That's a really good idea!
>>25727807
>You haven't missed much out of the ordinary, though.
That's more bitter and sweet than I wanted it to be...
W-what kind of events?Is depression a thing you have? I feel so sad since I realized I cannot write or find a better job that I want only cry these days.
>>25731179
It's not really as blunt as "tell me what needs fixing", ya know. We like to have actual full on stories so we can better ascertain where it's going to go, what could be removed in the long run, and the like. Especially with this story that still has a lot of explaining to do. We could answer questions now only to have them naturally answered anyway and that would be just pointless. Also, we don't do grammar checks. It's tedious, time consuming, and just isn't fun (because we do have fun with these critiques). Is there anything more to this? Maybe just a chapter ender at best.
>>25732052
There wasn't. But I'm taking your input and reconstructing it now. Maybe with a prolougr, and chopped into chapters.
>>25731179
I can't analyze it in the context of the whole story, but I can in the context of a single scene and how effectively it works as a hook.
A good introduction introduces the characters, the setting, and the theme under an interesting (even if temporary) conflict. Yet...
>I sense no conflict
There's no tension, no reason for me to even pick up the story. Dr.Mous needs to be in danger somehow. It doesn't have to be physical. It can be his reputation on the line. Or his sanity.
It's like baiting on 4chan. Give us something so we can engage with the story and we'll bite.
>Anon doesn't have a relatable/interesting personality
Dr. Mous is observant and educated, but there's nothing we can connect to on an emotional level. A job, title and reputation doesn't count towards fleshing out a character.
And if we aren't supposed to like him, shouldn't you use Celestia, one pony we are connected to, as the Point of View character to introduce this story to readers?
It's also about reaction to the environment that makes your character bleed real blood instead of just letters. Is Dr.Mous excited seeing Canterlot for one moment before hiding beneath his usual stony face? Which also leads me to:
>The setting doesn't SHOW anything unique to fans of MLP
While I appreciate that you don't automatically assume that the reader knows MLP, this leads to boring exposition of the world that we already know. Using a camera as a narrative tool won't disguise that from the average reader.
Inspire me. Describe to me what Canterlot looks like with its spires and mountain face, how it feels to be a giant among a sea of horses.
This is where your extended vocabulary and reading skills come to play. Excite my senses. But don't go overboard with pointless prose.
1/2
>>25732586
>There is no theme
If the characters are the heart and the setting is the soul, then the theme is the mind of your story trinity. It transforms your story from a fun romp to something that has depth.
Find a theme you're passionate about and will be willing to stick with for a year or more. Because that's how long it will take to finish a decent sized story.
>Your narrator isn't consistent
He talks like your typical chan user, and goes for easy cheap, offensive jokes. Yet there's this disconnect between Dr.Mous and your narrator, even if they are supposed to be the same person. If your narrator is Dr.Mous, give us hints in his speech or his mannerisms. One can't be both internally abrasive and externally professional without letting it slip on occasion, which can add to this character.
Of course, it still doesn't make him likeable to anyone outside of chan culture. That might be the point. Which comes to my final statement:
>What to take away from this:
Outline your story. Not just in one setting either. Take a week. A month. Just pinpoint your characters, setting and theme. It saves time for both of us.
>>25732586
>>25732595Not him, but this is really good advice I'll be making us of myself.
Also, bump.
>>25733360
Agreed. Especially the bit about introductions
>>25732595
Actually, I take back that last part.
If you're new at writing, you won't have a good idea of what would work in your story. Don't over-elaborate on your outline.
A skeleton outline will take a day or two, but at least you won't lose that time if it doesn't pan out.
Once again, I use this as a template.
http://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/secrets-story-structure-complete-series/
Use whichever one you prefer to use, but this is my personal favorite. It opened my eyes to the point where I might actually finish a story now.
Once again, focus on characters, themes, conflict and work out the basic structure of your story in an extremely condensed (or even bullet point) form. Give it to us (or me at least), and we'll tear it down and build it back stronger than ever before.
>>25731128
>runs using a primarily matriarchal system
ayyy lmao, judging by the silliness in this greentext, it's probably not meant to be taken seriously in general, but no they don't. Equestria in the show is clearly gender-egalitarian, there's no evidence for "muh matriarchy" or "muh patriarchy", there's simply no indication that one gender is advantaged or 'dominant' or anything like that. We've seen ponies of both genders doing all sorts of things, etc.
>>25733840
>Princess Spike (Not Prince Spike).
>All major male characters have negative connotations or are just straight evil, Shining only barely the exception.
I'll say no more.
>>25733840
While it might be factually correct, when you are writing you have to keep in mind of what your characters actually know.
A newcomer to Equestria might see four princesses and think that it's a matriarchy because of their limited experiences.
The writefag in question probably didn't write with that in mind though.
>>25734008
>Equestria political summit in Princess Spike had males and females
>Discord became good
>Starswirl had an obscure but pivotal role in magic
There are more female role models in MLP because of its target audience, but it doesn't go out of its way to shit on males.
mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Characters
Go to main antagonists. Roughly half are female. You can't even say that the males are shittier antagonists because Sombra and Tirek were pretty fucking neato.
>>25734008
I figure the episode title is more of a pun than anything, also perhaps a nod to how he's filling in for Twilight. Regardless, the alicorns are chosen by merit, by being a good and benevolent leader, so gender is irrelevant.
Also, no. There are plenty of positive examples of both genders in the show. The show DOES focus more on female characters, but it's never portrayed them as superior or dominant. There are only 10 'main' characters in the show, which is the Mane 6, Spike, and arguably, the CMC. The other characters tend to have very limited screentime in comparison, but generally there are plenty of positive male and female characters, even if they don't have a huge focus.
If you actually believe that the show has mistreated male characters, then I don't think you even watch the show at all. It may not focus on them as much due to the target audience, but it's not portraying them as inferior or anything nonsensical like that.
p10 boop
>>25729772
What can I say butdon't let your dreams be dreams
/those stories are doing no good in your shoe box
/you miss 100% of the shots you don't take
>>25728172
>kek
>>25735101
Kek at the example, not at the good feedback.
>>25734099
>Go to main antagonists. Roughly half are female.
I never said all the antagonists were male. I said the majority of "important" male characters were villains or negative.
>>25734150
>Spike
Horribly unnapreciated and is basically Twilights slave. Wasn't even invited to her birthday party for Christ's sakes. Also, the princess thing doesn't really fall under a pun. Spike was elevated to a place of power over most who came his way and instead of labeling himself rightly as a prince, he sticks wholly to being a princess.
>Prince Blueblood
Proof there are princes. This guy was just a douche though, made out to be an antagonist in his one appearance.
>Snips and Snails
Utter morons to the point where it isn't funny.
>Discord
"Reformed" villian. He still does bad things and every episode that revolves around him just shows how jealous a person he truly is. Nothing really positive about the guy.
>Sombra
Villian
>Dragon from "DragonShy"
Antagonist, male, not a villian but still a problem for the girls.
>Big Mac
A man of so few words that the fandom made a headcanon that his VA gets paid by the word. Only speaks full sentences once for a "serious" moment. Shows how intelligent he is only when he's pretending to be a girl.
>Dragons
A society of rowdy, rude, disgusting, cruel hearted things. All of them were male in the episode that established this.
>Shining Armor
He's describes as a bro but both him and Cadance are just poorly written.
>Flim and Flam
Antagonists, money hungry, con artists.
>Pipsqueak
Makes his life off of taking pictures of ponies, a lot of the time without the ponies knowing he's taking pictures.
>Tirek
Super villian.
>Sisterhooves social
Name speaks for itself
>Royal Guard
Basically all of the Royal guard, if not just all, are males.
>Soarin'
Idiot
Do *you* even watch this show?
>>25731551
Well, I kept critiquing stories, basically. Iceman came by with chapter three, the critique of which led to a fun little prelude to my party. Right after that, I got to work on the story I just did, and that's about it. I'm keeping busy outside the thread too, which is nice.
Also, no, though I used to. What has you giving up on writing? I thought you were really into it.
>>25735101
>>25735140
One anon's laughter is all I needed to make it worthwhile.
Now that vacation is around the corner, I might actually write something. Or I might get wasted. Who knows?
>>25738769
You could to both.
>Get completely shit faced and write something.
>Black out from all the drinking.
>Wake up the next morning with a hangover and utter brilliance from a drunk dude.
>???
>Profit.
>>25738923
But anon, you were the drunk dude all along!
Don't believe in yourself, believe in the drunk guy who believes in you.
>>25736036
>Spike
It's true that the writers don't always handle him as well as they could, I agree how. HOWEVER, it's also very much true that he's like a little brother to Twilight, and that he's surrounded by his good friends. You're also ignoring all the great moments he's had in favor of focusing on the times where the writers screw up.
>Prince Blueblood
Prince Blueblood inherited his title, hence why he's not an alicorn. Also, the assumption that he's a particularly bad 'douche' is pretty hasty, considering how extremely limited his screentime has been. There are a lot of ways to interpret The Best Night Ever and him that don't involve painting him as some villain like the fandom seems to like to do often enough.
>Snips and Snails
Eh. Not the most pleasing pair of characters, sure. Not exactly a damnation of the show's portrayal of males either, though.
>Discord
He's still very rude and such, but he's not ruining ponies lives anymore. He's about as reformed as the embodiment of chaos can be, I suppose? As far as jealous, I don't see jealousy as an altogether 'bad' thing or something. Something you should recognize? Probably. Something you should be ashamed of? Not necessarily. It's natural.
>Sombra
I don't have much to say about Sombra, and neither did the writers apparently.
>>Dragon from "DragonShy"
So now every male antagonist is an indication of the show being discriminatory? What a joke, that sounds like stereotypical tumblr logic. He's an ancient dragon living secluded in the forest, probably pretty wise even.
>Big Mac
Big Mac is a man of few words, sure. Does that make him a bad male character? Of course not. He's been shown to be responsible, intelligent (in all situations), and cares deeply for his family.
>Dragons
The teenage dragons that we saw, maybe. The other dragons we've seen however, seem to be much less 'rowdy' and other such things. And it's true that we only saw the male ones, but there must be female ones too.
1/4 :^)
>>25740549
>Shining Armor
Prince consort! Married into the title. If the writers mishandled anything with his and Cadances writing, it was their sudden and unexpected introduction, though that's a relatively minor qualm in the grand scheme of things. Either way, both of them are portrayed very favorably, and they are in a very happy marriage, so I don't get your qualms here. Maybe you just don't find them interesting personally, but I think if they had more screentime there's a lot of potential there.
>Flim and Flam
Admittedly not the most moral ponies, sure. On the other hand though, they seem to be good with magic and (especially) machinery, given that their machine looked pretty advanced. Their second episode featured a much less honest business venture and did paint them as a con artist, but in their first episode I would say that machine had some real function to it.
>Pipsqueak
So he's an aspiring photographer, that's nice. He's also probably 8-12 years old. It's perhaps rude to take pictures of people without permission, but he's basically getting practice for a potential future career. Or maybe it's just a hobby, who knows.
>Tirek
Yeah, a super villain. I'm honestly not sure what the point of making a big deal out of the villains genders though, when there are plenty of female ones too.
>Sisterhooves social
The episode? It was basically Big Mac helping his little sister through unconventional means. I guess some people find a guy wearing a dress to be uncomfortable still, but I really don't see why this episode needs to have so much politics dragged in.
2/4 :^(
>>25740554
>Royal Guard
The vast majority of guards in the crowds also appear to be clones, but that doesn't make it so. It doesn't make this Star Wars; The Clone Wars Episode #458 Friendship is Magic. It means the animators have limited resources and cut corners with details like that. Similarly, I'm sure there are female royal guards, but we don't see them because of animation budgets. I do know that the difference in physical strength between stallions and mares seem to be less than with men and women, since we've seen that some mares are pretty darned capable too, so there's no reason whatsoever for them not to be in the guard. We've also seen a few in the comics, if you put any stock in that being a viable source of anything.
>Soarin'
Not really. He's not a super genius, but he's very successful and seems friendly.
Anyway, you're really bending over backwards to attempt to find some fault in the show when it comes to the portrayal of the genders, but in reality the only real difference between the handling of the portrayal of the two genders in this show is that one side tends to have more screentime on average. Many of the characters you listed simply haven't had much screentime. Though, you could just as easily list a whole bunch of female characters with lower amounts of screentime. The reality of this show is that it focuses heavily on it's 10 main characters, and one of those is male. All other characters have limited screentime, male or female.
Regardless, this conversation is supposed to be about how Equestria is gender-egalitarian, and that the show has clearly portrayed it as such, with no one gender being portrayed as advantaged or dominant. I think the show's portrayal of male characters has been positive, even if they don't get as much screentime. If you want to think that the show has some secret illuminati agenda against male characters or something, then suit yourself, but you'd be wrong, I'd say.
3/4
>>25740559
And regardless, it doesn't change the fact that the show is portraying a fictional society with gender equality.
4/4
I could write more, like going through all the male characters you just so happened to omit that are quite successful, such as Fancy Pants, or Hoity Toity, or Filthy Rich, or I could point out that even with characters without speaking roles, we've seen plenty of business ponies, shop owners, celebrities, 'high society' ponies, etc of both genders. And that even with politicians, something that's out of the scope of this show and we don't see much, there are also characters of both genders. Among other things, I'm sure.
But at this point, this reply is the longest I've ever written, and I'm quite sure that people are going to be annoyed by the absolutely massive wall of text. So perhaps I'll have to leave it at that summary. This has been THE POSTENING ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your time. I'll be going now, my apologies for the huge wall of text, it was necessary for a reply I'm afraid.
>>25740564
Well, 'necessary' I don't know. Maybe it could have been optimized or maybe not, but you get the idea. Have a cute pony picture.
>>25740564
Alright, four post response. Let's do this then, only because I'm waiting for that guy with the Anon psychiatrist story to finish. Don't worry about being annoying either, a good debate is always nice and it's not like we're the most active thread around. Let's keep it civil though.
>Spike
I remember there being a scene that really questioned how brotherly Spike feels towards Twilight. When she got Rarity's hairstyle and Spike took less than a second to fall in love with her. Kinda...wierd and not really brotherly if you ask me. I don't really remember any great moments from him, honestly. I remember he saved the girls in one of the comics but majority of the time he's just fucking up one way or another. In Princess Spike, he actually was doing really good, yet in the end he still fucked up in a way that apparently negated all the good he did. Apparently he also saved the crystal empire, but I don't actually remember him doing anything. Didn't Cadance and Shining save it in the end? (Been a while since I saw the episode and it certainly wasn't memorable)
>Prince Blueblood
Did I complain that he wasn't an alicorn? All I said was that princes exist in Equestria, the only one we saw was a dick. And he was a dick by the shows standards. It's how they wanted to portray him, to ruin Rarity's night, and why so much of the fandom look at him that way. It was kind of the point of his introduction. Speculate a bit and he "probably" isn't that bad a guy, but honestly that's kind of stretching it. Rarity wasn't in the right either but neither was he.
>Snips and Snails
Male characters that have had screen time, multiples times, and show negative connotation. Majority of "important" males have negative connotation or are straight villains. This is my argument, let's not forget that.
1/4
>>25740801
>Discord
Jealousy is a bad thing. There is a reason it's considered a bad aspect of a persons personality. All of Discord's "reformed" episodes have shown him being jealous in one way or another.
>Dragon
Refer to >Snips and Snails, cut multiple times but he was part of the main focus of the episode. Again, let's not forget my argument.
>Big Mac
I'll be honest, I just find it funny that Big Mac doesn't show how intelligent he truly is until he's dressed up and pretending to be a woman. That's what I'm getting at when I bring him up. Otherwise, he's just a stand up guy. I'd work with him.Funny that his one episode to develop character was him being jealous
*Starting to realize that majority episodes, if not all, that have the male as the focus are showing how jealous they are.
>Dragons
What other dragons have we seen? Spike, the one from DragonShy, the rowdy dragons I brought up in the first place, the dragon that drove spike away when he ran from Twilight. Steven Magnet is a sea serpent.
>Shining Armor
Shining has never actually been called a prince, actually sure he isn't considered a prince at all. Honestly though, I'd rather neither him nor Cadance existed. They've added nothing to the show other than canon breaking, had two/three mediocre episodes, and are just poorly written anyway. Only brought him up because he's an "important" character.
>Flim and Flam
Characters shown to be the antagonists. The point of my argument and the reason I brought them up. What they are good at doesn't matter, they're antagonists and that's the long and short of it.I actually do like their characters though and cringed a bit when the season five finale painted them as world destroying villains
>Pipsqueak
He's a creep, it's what I'm getting at. Brought him up because he's gained some relevance by having time dedicated to him in various episodes.
2/4
>>25740805
>Tirek
My argument is that the majority of "important" males are painted to be the antagonist or are just straight villian. Call it my thesis if you want but don't forget it's why I'm bringing up who I'm bringing up. The amount of woman antagonists and villains don't matter because that's not my argument.Tirek is my favorite villian though for actually getting shit done, almost succeeding, and only losing due to the Dues Ex Friendship
>Sisterhooves Social
Talking about the event, not the episode as a whole. Name excluded brothers by name then makes the label that sister bonds are the strongest of all and other bonds aspire to reach that level. Way to assume I found it uncomfortable by the way. I'll admit to hurting during the episode but mostly because it hurt to watch Big Mac act the way he did.
>Royal Guard
The guard is one of those jokes that men are subservient to women blah blah blah. Insert spike, insert guard, insert snips and sails as trixie slaves, yada yada yada. Also, let's be honest here, it's not that hard to make a female version of the guard. It wouldn't take them even a moment to intersperse women among the guards. The background ponies are more diverse, most of the time, anyway. Unfortunately, no stock goes into the vastly superior comics. I would, but we're talking the show and most don't rate the comics as canon to the show. Still dream of the day we get Nightmare Rarity.
>Soarin'
Every time I think of Soarin, I think of that moment where he dropped his pie. Little character development after that, but I've considered him an idiot ever since. This is unfair, but hey I had to bring up because multiple showings and his minor relevance.
3/4
>>25740811
I can assure you that there has been no bending over to find any of these males painted as antagonists or with negative connotation. The majority of "important" male characters are painted this way, it doesn't take a sharp eye to see this. It's not like there are many of them anyway. Ya get it? Let's remember my thesis. I'm not saying they need more screen time, I'm not saying there should be more negative females, hell I'm not even saying there needs to be more positive males. Simply stating a fact that the majority of males are painted with a negative connotation. Nothing more, nothing less, and I've given you my proof.
>So conveniently ignored
Why would I need to acknowledge them? "Important male characters". Background characters that have very little screen time, if they have dialogue in the first place, hold no meaning to my argument. At the same time, I also said majority because not all of them have negative connotation. Let's remember Mr. Cake, a male with plenty of screen time and dialogue and no actual negative connotation. Mind you, Big Mac doesn't have negative connotation, just pointing out that whole cross dressing and jealousy thing.
Also, have some cute ponies to show friendly argument.
4/4
>>25740801
Well, with Spike, it's just that his relationship with Twilight is very close, and they're like family. She's raised him from an egg, so that certainly makes sense. And he did play a big role in saving the Crystal Empire, though admittedly I don't remember the details too well either, as it's been a while since I watched that episode.
As far as Blueblood goes, I think the conflict there was Rarity expected him to be 'chivalrous' since she interpreted him as some stereotypical prince, but Blueblood was expected her to be chivalrous. Sort of a conflict of expectations there, if you would.
If your argument consists of simply worrying about characters with tons of screentime, then there aren't many more female characters that fit that bill either. Again, the show focuses on the main 10, the rest don't see nearly as much focus. Celestia doesn't even have her own episode yet. Most side characters, male or female, don't have much screentime. Portrayal of male and female characters has been fair and balanced, considering the majority of characters don't receive much focus regardless of gender.
I don't think jealousy is a 'good' thing. It's not a pleasant emotion to feel. It's not a 'bad' thing either, though. Again, it's natural and understandable when people feel it. You get the idea, it's not really something I want to discuss.
And the dragons... Again, I just think those teenage dragons were focused on for the plot, rather than some suggestion that all dragons are like that, which would clearly be wrong. Dragon Quest is not exactly an episode I found terribly enjoyable, for multiple reasons, not just those teenagers.
And Big Mac, I don't think him not talking means he's hiding his intelligence. It just means he's more of a silent type. And Sisterhooves Social was the first episode where he was the 'main' character, so of course that's where he got the most development so far. It has nothing to do with what he's wearing.
1/4
>>25740939
We haven't seen many dragons. Not even when you count the teenagers. The few adult ones we have seen clearly weren't of the same tempermant as the teenagers though, even if they weren't entirely friendly.
And of course Shining Armor is a prince. A prince consort, technically, but still. I recall Ms. Peachbottom referring to him as such, and I'm sure there are other instances I'm forgetting, especially in the comics. I do recall the friends forever issue with him and Twilight did show him help governing the Crystal Empire.
I don't really have much to say about Flim and Flam, so I'll move on to Pipsqueak. I think what you're suggesting is silly. Again, it's probably rude to take pictures without permission, but he's a little kid practicing a hobby. I don't see how you could possibly justify calling him a creep, that's just ridiculous.
You could just as easily argue the majority of 'important' female characters are painted as antagonists going by your logic. If you discount the Mane 6 and CMC, what other 'important' female characters does that leave you with, considering you're excluding all side characters when it comes to judging the male characters in the show. Cheese Sandwich and Coco Pommel are equivalent in focus, so is Fancy Pants and Sapphire Shores. The same goes for all side characters, there are only 10 'main' characters, and the rest are 'side' characters. So where do you draw the line between 'important' and 'not important' when it comes to the story, and why are you not applying the same standard of judging things to female characters? Not even the major villains really have that much screentime, they just play a role in the overall plot. I also again stress that Celestia of all ponies doesn't have an episode yet, which is a shame.
2/4
>>25740943
As for the Sisterhooves Social, you can either call it an oversight by the writers, or assume that there is another similar event for brothers that we don't see because there aren't any brother/brother pairs connected to the main characters. There must also be an event for brother/sister pairs though, if you're assuming that they're separated by gender like athletic events in the real world are. Either way, I think it's just a consequence of there not being any brother/brother pairs in the main characters, so the writers didn't bother to set up an episode or nod to that.
Anyway, the guard is a not a 'joke' of anything, especially not something so ridiculous as that. No gender is subservient in MLP. As far as the effort required, you could also argue that it wouldn't take much effort for them to fix a lot of things, such as the normal background pony crowds which are also filled with clones and other inconsistencies. The only reason they don't fix those things is because they don't see them as being important, I doubt this stuff even crosses into the writers minds, despite what some people think, they aren't taking care to make every little thing logical, consistent, and meaningfully portrayed. Again though, we've seen that mares are capable of becoming strong enough too, and I don't think they're about to be discriminated against, so there's no reason for them not to be in the guard in some capacity or another. There's also that post-apocalypse alternate reality we saw, and mares fighting competently there, if that counts.
And yeah, I do think that is really unfair to judge Soarin like that. I guess you could say he's a little clumsy, but he's again, clearly quite successful and thus must be good at his job.
3/4
>>25740952
Most of these aren't antagonists, and don't have any negative connotations other than the normal flaws you'd expect from any character, or maybe a lack of screentime and development.
I still stress that, using your logic, if you discount the Mane 6 and CMC, you could just as quickly say that the majority of 'important' female characters are antagonists or something along those lines, assuming you're counting antagonists as major characters despite them not having an extraordinary amount of screentime. If you don't consider side characters to be valid examples, then the conversation might as well be over or doomed to inconsistencies, because you'll be left with nothing but the 10 primary main characters. Maybe Discord and a couple of others too, but like I've said, side characters have actually become split fairly evenly between male and female over the seasons, and the bulk of characters in the show if you're not counting random background ponies, of course falls into the category of side characters. This show is episodic, slice of life, and it's very much focused on it's small cast of main characters, with most other characters playing a limited, supporting role. Many of them only get one or two episodes where they make an appearance.
Regardless, I strongly disagree with what you're suggesting. I think it's silly. The show has a target audience of little girls, and it focuses more on female characters, at least when it comes to the main characters, so we see more into their lives and they get plenty of development. But to suggest that it's portraying males negatively is just crazy, conspiracy theory territory.
4/4
>>25740957
And sorry for no pictures. I'm fairly tired, and personally I hope this discussion doesn't drag out all day.
There's not really much more to be said, and honestly I came here to argue that Equestria is gender-egalitarian, and that one gender isn't advantaged or dominant. I didn't really intend to get into an argument about the portrayal of 'important' characters in the cartoon and the seemingly arbitrary line you've created between the examples you provided and the rest of the characters, which are perfectly valid examples for the purposes of my argument. I mostly only need to point out stuff like the fact that both genders have been portrayed as equally capable, and that one gender isn't advantaged or dominant, and other arguments like that. Screentime isn't really something I need to consider much, even if I have to bring it up sometimes. The cartoon doesn't give as much focus screentime-wise to the male characters, but it's portrayed them as equal, and the fictional society it's portraying certainly is pretty damned egalitarian with gender.
>>25741010
That's okay man, you got a picture in there at the end after all. You don't want to debate then it's fine, I'll just restate my argument since you keep straying from it.
Whether or not the show is intentionally painting the males as negative or not, neither here nor there. That said, I hold to the stance that majority of "important" male characters are negative. Important means they have front and center screen time with some legitimate contribution to the plot, multiple lines of dialogue, or is a reoccurring character that is actively developing. Keep bringing up females as much as you want, that's not my argument. I'm focusing on the males, I'm sticking to the males, and won't be divvying from them like you continue to try to do.
>Royal Guard
I meant me bringing them up is the joke. Not sure why you keep bringing up women being on par with the males, I never said they weren't. Never implied they weren't. In fact, since you're so adamant on labeling that they are then why not have them in the guard? Who knows, but don't relate that to being something as easily fixed as the inconsisrencies and errors the show has. Modeling and interspersing female guards is infinitely easier than continuously making new original ponies to make up for the background that has consistently repeating ponies. A female guard only needs one model.
I'll stop here though since this is one of those arguments that would last all day due to conflicting views and would best be done privately, considering our current form of responding. You want to continue, then send me a Skype or steam. We can have a call or pm and then play some video games or something afterwards. Otherwise, nice having this mini debate with you.One more cutie for the road
>>25737523
I was devouted to write, by the language barrier is still a thing, one big thing.
Some friends of mine encourage me to write and even offer editing to it, because I still fuck up tenses, grammar and I make miss-letters too.
I guess, I'm too afraid of the possibility of failure, I'm sorry. I'm gonna try, or not, but I cannot tell will I.
>All that in-thread discussion.
Wew, gonna dig through that.
>>25741196
Well, I think we'll just have to very firmly agree to disagree or something. I will say a couple of other things, though, if you don't mind.
MLP is pretty episodic a lot of the time, so many of the characters you brushed off such as Fancy Pants or Cheese Sandwich did get front and center screentime and dialogue, and did advance the plot. Many of these characters aren't frequently re-occuring, but they still played an important role considering the type of cartoon MLP is.
And frankly, I feel the comparison with female characters and their portrayal is very important, all things considered. But whatever.
>Modeling and interspersing female guards is infinitely easier than continuously making new original ponies to make up for the background that has consistently repeating ponies. A female guard only needs one model.
To be perfectly fair, they already have built up a huge number of background ponies to potentially use, enough that at this point they probably don't need to make too many new ones to avoid using clones. I think it's more a matter of them using copy/paste a bit too much. Fixing either problem would be comparatively easy, but these kinds of 'issues' are only really issues for the people looking a little too deep into their cartoons, and so it's probably not even on the writers/animators radar. It could be as easy as pressing a few buttons and they might not bother to fix a 'problem' like that. Either way, yeah, I'm sure they exist in some capacity. Wouldn't make sense for them not to.
Anyway, whatever. I'll be going now, I suppose. Got some things I want to read and stuff, then get some sleep. Hopefully we didn't completely derail the thread with no return.
>all this arguing over male character depiction in a show about cartoon horses
Glad you take writing and storytelling very seriously
>>25742124
This, desu.
>>25742127
>>25742124
It's one of the reasons I stick around here.
>>25742124
yes
If no one else is dumping, here's something I wrote on a whim late at night:
Original post, Twilight speaking:
>"ANON, FOR THE THIRD FUCKING TIME, YOU. CANNOT. MATE. WITH. US."
>"You've seen me from behind a million god damned times! WE. HAVE. NO. GENITALIA."
>"WE CAN'T MATE."
>"THERE IS NO FUN ALLOWED IN EQUESTRIA"
>"WE GO THROUGHOUT OUR DAY TO DAY LIVES DOING THREE THINGS"
>"1. BEING CONSTANTLY WATCHED."
>"YES, IT'S NOT SOME ACT. OUR DAY TO DAY LIVES ARE CONSTANTLY MONITORED BY MILLIONS OF PEOPLE."
>"2. BEING UNCONDITIONALLY HAPPY."
>"WE'RE STRIPPED OF ALL EMOTION BUT JOY IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE THAT WE DON'T DO ANYTHING "OBSCENE"
>"3. NEVER. DYING."
>"THAT'S RIGHT ANON. IT'S BEEN 5 PAINFUL YEARS. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ME AGE?"
>"DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE HELL YOU'VE JUST WILLINGLY STEPPED INTO?"
>"YOU WILL NEVER DIE. YOU WILL NEVER LOVE. YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE."
>"I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY ANON. BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? I. ALWAYS. AM."
On to the oc:
>Living in, but still separate, of this world, Anon took to his quest the only way he knew how.
>He the ever-moment painted on their faces. Hollow eyes and cheery tones while they suffered constant joy.
>Pain and death he gave the ponies to break them of this curse.
>He never knew if we were watching, but judged death was a kinder fate than joy.
>Heirlooms stolen, life works set to ruin, Anon had his way.
>Homes razed and, for the cruellest kinds, decorations he of them did make.
>Every sin of human's plague saw the ponies lose all hope.
>From every bruise and harm he recovered, every jail escaped.
>Every guard left in a heap, or a worse fate for those not so weak.
>The skies had darkened, storms grew deep, the stars went out at night.
>With every plague he set upon, the ponies grew in might.
>While fillies wept in bed at night, so too did Anon cry.
>Himself no more, not human or man, the mirror told him lies, and yet he chose to be.
>They found their sparks of a revolting kind, the ones they lost so long ago.
>>25745688
>With bloody tears they found the strength of which they had never known.
>Anon's final day came at a docking bay.
>He torched the sails and fed chum most foul to the sharks he lured.
>His judgement came by thunderous crowds, the collected hatred, bearing torch and axe.
>The hand of God struck down upon him, in shape of many hooves.
>Their rage cast him by death's cold feet, and safe behind consciousness’ door.
>On smouldered gallows he stood, a gutting hook 'round his neck.
>One last look saw the lifelong hatred he had worked to sew.
>A restful smile when he was freed from the duties he upheld.
>Tears of sour honey, when he had seen his spring harvest so sweet.
>Nearly human, but all too far, they cast him off the docks.
>Their horrors over, the ponies soon returned to normal life, though not as they had known.
>Bitter strife and petty hatred swept through the land, a scar on pony hearts.
>Still one pony was absent that fateful day, she knew what had been done.
>Twilight alone cried for their prince, in his garb of thorned roses.
>And we no longer watched.
While it's always nice to have, I'm not asking for critique. Just wanted to contribute to the thread.
>>25745718
thank you
>>25747349
rump
>>25748501
sugarlump
>>25698468u-unf...
>>25731551
>>25726823 posting: Thanks. I have the startings of a fanfic in my head and it might be fun to do. It might be a few days before I start though since there's Christmas events and whatnot this month, but I'll certainly post it in the general when I'm done if I write it.
>>25749658
hump
Would you guys rather read stories that take risks but are poorly executed, or read fairly safe stories that are well-written?
>>25750795
Depends, what do you mean by taking risks?
Trying to fill in the world, new characters, deep philosophical questions?
>>25750823I didn't put a lot of thought into the question
>>25750860
Looking back on it, neither did I. We don't want to get too specific.
Okay, here we go, the four tiers of stories, according to right now:
>Story is completely original, and takes risks, and is well written.
This is by far the best. If the author can make interesting characters, a driving plot, good emotional scenes, all the good stuff that makes stories delicious, then it’s far better than anything else. It will be far more memorable than any Anon story, and have a muc better world developed to boot
>Story is well written, but is unoriginal.
Second best because it’s comfy, and I like comfy. Sure, we’ve seen stories about Anon sexing ponies thousands of times before, I don’t care because it does it so well. The best example would be a good porn greentext. Sure, there are thousands of others like them, but I don't care because the writing is like a soft comfy blanket that will get my rocks off and was fun to hide in for a little while.
>Story is poorly written and unoriginal.
By now I would follow along just for curiosity’s sake; something to read because I can’t be arsed to find anything else. I’ve seen the scenario dozens of times before, and I follow along because I want to see how the author handles it. After all, infinite different writing styles is what keeps us coming back, but at this point that’s all there is. So, it’s more filler than anything enjoyable, but is still better than…
>Story is original but poorly written.
At least with a cliché Anon story I know where it’s going, but these kinds of stories don’t even have the comfort of familiarity. If the story is dull or painful to read from the start, it’s easy to assume the rest is going to be bad, making it easy to stop. Even if I did slog through it I would have no guarantee of the ending like I would in a typical AiE story. So by this point there’s not even curiosity, only pain, which is why this is by far the worst.
Flutterrape anon here trying to outline a story.
To fill you in on the story, its main focus is on the concept of redemption, not of rape itself.
At some point, Discord will be the one redeeming an enraged and misguided Fluttershy from using chaos magic to (in her mind) protect her animal friends.
A villain anon will spur her corruption through many methods. One of them being rape.
Anon isn't going to be some blank insert your personality here. He'll act like a foil for Discord to better highlight the theme of redemption along with being a bit of a satire on 4chan culture as a whole.
If you treat rape from Anon as a way to alter Fluttershy's view on the world and easing her way into corruption bit by bit, is it nearly guaranteed that the her rape would become a mere plot device or that it will mess with the tone of the story? If not, how can I remain tasteful with such a touchy subject matter?
If it's not going to work, I could use less severe methods to prompt her change. I'm still working on broadening the outline, else I would post it here. I just wanted a second opinion before racking my brain on the subject any further.
>>25752045
A story where Anon is the rapist for a story driven towards little sister general. That's bold, Anon.
>Anon
Having Anon be a rapist is all fine and good, I guess, but what's his motivation. Why is he trying to corrupt fluttershy? What does he hope to get out of this and why does it have to be fluttershy specifically?
>Tasteful
That ship has fast sailed, my friend. This story is revolving around corrupting the most delicate pony in all of known Equestria, giving her magic despite her races inability to use magic, and making that magic horribly dangerous. What is she even protecting the animals from? How does Anon know this magic to teach it to her? Just this outline drives me away from the story while forcing me to ask a hell of a lot of questions.
>Discord
Why would he, the lord on chaos, be the redeemer and Anon, magic less self-insert, be the corrupter? It doesn't make sense for one and also raised questions in the long run. This is especially true since you'll be destroying his given character in the process.
>Rape
Even if you were tactically our rape in positions where it would actually make sense to corrupt her, it just isn't needed. Rape isn't really chaos in the first place and unless he's convincing her to rape, it probably isn't corrupting but mind destroying. Consider the pony and she'd be too traumatized to leave the shed an would listen to no one but her closest friends and animals. Maybe no even the friends. It just seems like something you're putting in there to add some "sexy scene time" and classify it as Flutterrape. Mind you, this story doesn't really classify as Flutterrape. This belongs in the rape thread. We have grim dark stories at little sister, but those stories really revolve as the rape being a main plot point. Your story uses it as a disposable plot device.
