Let’s get hypothetical.
You’re a writer who’s been going at it for a bit now. You really enjoy what you do and put your blood, sweat, and tears into each story. One day, you decide to post it in a random thread to get some feedback.
Just one problem: no takers.
You wonder if you should even bother writing; you decide to quit and move on to something else.
If that story applies to you, then hold your horses. If all you wanted was feedback, to improve your writing skills a bit, or maybe just see how others do it, then you’ve come to the right place. There are a few rules, however:
>Posting the story directly in the thread is preferred over a link to Pastebin, FiMFiction, etc.
>One story at a time.
>Don’t be a dick or asshole when reading or critiquing.
>All stories posted within the thread must be pre-written.
This thread’s purpose is to encourage writefags all over /mlp/ to write. We’re laid back here. Post what you want as long as it’s pone related. We’re not all “STOREEEYS ONLY!” We discuss topics such as writing techniques, interesting tropes, and bring forth story ideas. Let’s have fun.
>>27522546
Tips and links:
Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug’s tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup:
http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f
http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)Had to. Puns are awesome.
Things you should know about writing:
Clever’s Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn’s Guite to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/
A few authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy
>“How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>“FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way to cure it, but, if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing; there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*.
-Write anyway, and allow yourself to write shitty stories. More often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.
*Unless you’re writing clop, then listen to your boner.
>>27522558
Here’s some new stuff that didn’t fit in the second post.
A couple writing podcasts:
http://www.writingexcuses.com/
http://typehammer.com/podcast/
An archive of how to write pretty much anything:
https://curiosityquills.com/limyaael/
An idea generator:
http://writers-den.pantomimepony.co.uk/writers-first-lines.php
A worldbuilding forum:
http://worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/
It's about fucking time. I've had a question for a while. Is it possible to make a suicide feel "appropriate" in a story? As in that it doesn't feel edgy, or come across as a cheap way to raise the stakes or grab at the reader's heart? I've had an idea for a character piece (I don't know what you'd call it), and as I let the characters play out their roles in my head, one of them ends up committing suicide.
>>27522706
Well, sure. It'll be a challenge, no doubt, but it can be done. If the character is strong enough, has enough background and personality, then you can get away with a suicide, but that's only half the equation. The rest of the characters are going to need to deal with it in a way that's fitting for them, and that, I would say, is actually harder. The one character just needs to get sufficiently deep in their negativity to make that single decision; everyone else has to deal with cleanup, logistics, what to tell those who don't know, how to handle it emotionally, and so on, with that last one being particularly nasty what with the ease with which characters are going to play the blame game or start sinking into survivor's guilt. You've got to have good characters all around for it to work, but it's doable.
You can avoid that edgy feeling by treating the suicide more as what it actually is, and not glorifying it with sappy metaphors or overlong scenes of characters being sad. That kind of stuff makes it look like you're trying too hard, and are afraid to let the thing stand on its own.
>>27522940
Those are all good points.
>with that last one being particularly nasty what with the ease with which characters are going to play the blame game or start sinking into survivor's guilt
The story I was running in my head pretty much ends right after the cleanup, because after that, there's almost no reason to keep going. It's about looking at the relationship between two characters, shifting perspectives from Anon, who's an absolute piece of shit who relies on the insecurities of the other person to keep her around. Throughout the relationship, he consciously recognizes the shitty things he does: cheating, lying, emotional manipulation, etc. but is that kind of person who can't actually make a positive change, and romanticizes the internal struggle, laying down heavy with the self-pity and whatnot, but ends his own life when he can't seem to grow up. The idea was to not make you feel sorry for this person, relieved that the other character is finally free from this awful relationship, though the emotional reaction to it all kinda has me stumped at the moment.
>>27523249
Hm, now this is a little different. Not only are you dealing with suicide, but a toxic relationship to inspire it as well. That is a huge volume of negativity in your story, so you're going to need to take special effort to find some way to contrast it all, or just not overdo anything. One slip, and you'll slide into a pit of edge.
I think you've got a really good idea of Anon's emotional makeup, but contemplate how he will jump from conscious self-pity and stagnation into suicide. Ending one's life is, after all, a major decision, and that kind of depressive personality, one who wants change but cannot self-motivate, is also the kind that's likely to hang on to their shitty life for the same reason that they hate themselves.
On the reaction, I would advise that your other character not rejoice immediately, or at all. If they are happy to see him go right away, then why would they have stayed with him in the first place?
You've got my interest with this piece. I love a good character study.
>>27523392
>so you're going to need to take special effort to find some way to contrast it all
Thought of doing a makeup scene. You know, the kind that every terrible relationship has where one party promises to never do the bad thing again, but everyone on the outside sees how shallow the interaction is.
>but contemplate how he will jump from conscious self-pity and stagnation into suicide
In my head, he's the "I can't live without you" kind of person. The characters separate for a while, Anon wallows in self-pity, and the obligatory waifu goes looking for another relationship, but no one can look past certain aspects of her, so he ends up doing whatever he can to get her back, and she comes back, thinking that this is the best that she deserves. Which leads to the eventual decision later on of "I'm no good, but I can't live without you"
>On the reaction, I would advise that your other character not rejoice immediately, or at all
Now that I'm thinking this out-loud, maybe a mixture of remorse for the death, and a bit of dread lingering in the back of her mind, like, "is this the best that a relationship can amount to?"
>>27523740
A shallow makeup scene can work for contrast, as long as you don't repeat it to the point where it becomes part of a cycle; then, it's just another step in the negative process. Once, done well, ought to help.
>no one can look past certain aspects of her
Making her too unlikeable is dangerous, because it reduces her options for happiness, making her decision to stay with Anon less because of his power over her and her self-esteem, and more because of her lack of better options. Cheapens her and takes some of her agency away, you know?
I think her reaction sounds good. If she's insecure, though, there's also the avenue of wondering whether she could have/should have saved him to consider. She doesn't have to go down that path, but it's an option.
>>27523961
>Making her too unlikeable is dangerous, because it reduces her options for happiness, making her decision to stay with Anon less because of his power over her and her self-esteem, and more because of her lack of better options. Cheapens her and takes some of her agency away, you know?
That's actually a good point. I didn't think of that. Thanks. I'll chew on your words a bit, and hopefully come back with something.
>>27523988
No problemo. I'll be happy to look over the story when you have it ready.
Reminder to the writefags
>>27524039
That's really smart.
>>27524039
You know I figured back in the typewriter days, this must be real hard since you're paying for both ink and paper.
bemp
Got any projects in the works, guys?
>>27526276
I wish.
Never wrote something before, you guys got tips for a total beginner? (aside from just doing it)
>>27527225
Don't fret about your work being unoriginal, derivative, or straight up bad, because it will be all those things and more. You just have to work through it. Find threads and prompts that inspire you. Don't get way in over your head with a story; only start something when you know the ending you want. Focus on improving one thing at a time, because that's as fast as you'll ever be able to improve. Don't shy away from criticism. It sucks, but it is good for you. And most importantly: have fun.
what is the most reasonable explanation for Anon being in Equestria or should one just ignore the reasons?
>>27528198
usually most don't mine the "Anon just wound up here" without a need for a backstory and such, and I'd wish writefags would quit info dumping at the beginning about how long he's been there, etc, etc. It just gets in the way of what's happening.
>>27522546
Does anyone have tips for someone that wants to get into writing? I don't into greentext but just enjoy general writing.
>>27528198
It's kind of taken for granted at this point. Unless the arrival itself is meaningful to the story in some way, then it's really not necessary.
pagina X
beeeeump
ump
Giving you guys something to do, and to keep you alive. I'm an amateur writefag, And I want you guys to rip this story a new, since criticism is hard to find elsewhere. A quick sorry for anyone who hates "I'm ___." and lack of chapters
http://pastebin.com/a72L4NMc
bup
>>27531575
I can have a critique for you on this on Monday.
let's keep this thread alive shall we?
Has anyone here written a story featuring Iron Will? what was it about, how did you write him, etc.
>>27534090
I think I wrote him once for Flutterrape. It was either in my BD2 story or...oh I remember. It was in a L4D2 story and he was a tank so...
What about you?Maybe if I go through the archive then I could find a story where he was actually a character.
>>27535677
haven't written him but I think he's hilarious in his episode and wanted to get some ideas
>>27534090
Once I tried, but for some reason I spent all day researching fitness and muscles.
>>27536811
Chuckled heartily.
pagina IX
What's the difference between a character feeling real, and feeling realistic?
>>27542018
What do you mean?
>>27542018
I didn't know there was a difference. Unless you're talking about a character feeling like an actual person vs a character who's a bit of a dreamer or not.
b
>>27542706
>>27543173
At a guess, I'm thinking Anon means, like, a character that feels like they exist, and a character that feels like they act appropriately in a given situation.
At a guess.
what are important things to remember when writing a pony protagonist (as opposed to a human)?
>>27545831
Pony anatomy and Equestrian expressions.
>>27545831
What Anon above me said, but also keep in mind pony limitations and wants. Why would a pony want certain things? What restrictions is brought to them because of their race? Strengths?
In all, it's the same as a human but you do have to keep in mind that they are ponies when describing their actions.
pagina :DDD
>>27542706
>>27543173
I guess my question is, can you make a character completely believable even though their traits fly in the face of reality?
>>27550535
Depends on the traits. Super heroes act believably despite some being able to bench press whole galaxies.
>>27531575
I would like confirmation that you're here, so I know I'm not doing a critique for no one.
>>27550535
Generally speaking, yes, but some of it relies on the readers' ability to suspend their disbelief as well. As long as a character's core personality is overall realistic, in whatever way that applies to your writing, then most traits they have can take a backseat to that. Like, Twilight's a small, magical unicorn, but she acts like anything between a snarky know-it-all to a deranged workaholic, depending on what fic you're reading, and both of those are totally believable human qualities. At bottom, most characters exhibit human personalities, so any magic or super-intelligence or whatever that they get should come off as incidental, rather than foundational. Of course, you have to have a reader who's going to follow along.
A lot of being believable or realistic is also being consistent with the precedents you set in your own story. If you have Rainbow Dash ask Twilight what a big word means earlier on, and then, two chapters later, use some other big word, she's not believable, because she's not following the rule you placed for her earlier.
>>27551075
Yes I lurk. Lay it on me.
>>27551379
Very good. I'm about halfway through now. Going to read a bit more tonight, and finish it tomorrow before my party. The critique comes after I've dried out.
in your opinion, what is the easiest pony to write?
>>27552418
your mother
>>27552852
I fucked up
How do you guys feel about an eqg green? I'm planning on having you guys critique it but I don't know if this is the right thread for it.
>>27552866
post it
>>27549535
pagina x DDD
>>27552418
The easiest of ponies to write are the background ponies, including recurring ones because they haven't been given an actual personality. Here's a personal list though:
(Starting at hardest and going to easiest)
>Applejack
~Everyone seems to agree that she is the hardest and she kind of is, from the mane six at least. She has a personality and we've gotten some backstory, but the writers seem to change her everytime she is major to the story. One second she would never tell a lie, then she lies multiple times. She's efficient and gets to the point, but one of the newer episodes killed that. It's small things and it isn't helped that her core personality can be hard to capture as well.
>Pinkie Pie
~Why is she on here? Because anyone can write a lol so random character like those hack writers at the show have devolved to with this amazing character, but it does take a modicum of skill to write a hyper character who still has purpose. The challenge of writing pinkie is writing her without devolving to show standards, but still keeping the core elements of her character.
>Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Rarity
~It's hard to determine which of three earn this slot, so they all get it. Writing any character from the mane six is difficult in its own way, but that's to be expected with any character with an established being.
>Fluttershy
~And yet this one still falls below the tally. Her character is just...yea. However, since I'm watching the newest episode, it seems they're beginning her personality destruction process. It was bound to happen eventually, though I'm surprised she wasn't the first.
>Celestia, Vinyl Scratch, Luna, Big Mac, and Trixie
~These are the background ponies are so simple or undefined that they are easier then the characterless background ponies. This is because you have to make a character for the others. Big Mac only says yup, Trixie is just super pretentious, Luna is edge, Vinyl nods her head and music, Celestia is useless.
>>27554499
First off, triple dubs
Secondly, AJ isn't so much 'difficult' to write, but more like no one can agree on one defining progressive trait she can have in one story that isn't already provided by someone else.
As much as I hate to say it, she might as well be a background pony, if we have to go out of our own way to give her material besides being a hardworking redneck farmer.
>>27552858
to be honest this is one of the best posts I've seen in a time. innovative
how does one write green for a prompt? do you quickly post the beginning to keep the thread alive an give yourself time to think or do you just write away without a plan?
>>27557304
If you're sort of a lazy bastard like me, posting as you write (even if you keep a post or two ahead) can help keep with a story, because at that point you're committed.
On the same hand, if you pre-write something and realize halfway through that it's shit, then you're in the clear because there's no expectations.
episode day writing
bemp
double bump
Hey guys, I've got a big long green I've been working on for a while now. I've got the Prolouge done, but it doesn't involve any pony yet. I was hoping to get some critiquing from here before I start the real fun, what do you guys think?
>>27563076
Post it yo
It's been a while guys, how's life?
page 9
>>27564262
I WANT TO FINISH IT, BUT I CAN'T EVEN STAART
So, I wrote this for the Marble thread, but got very little feedback, so I'm hoping you guys could take a look at it
http://pastebin.com/fBGS9YpZ
You guys stink
>>27565762
I gave it a shot and first of all, it's pretty obvious.
You NEED to capitalize and punctuate.
As for everything else.
Well it's fine, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the way it's written besides what I pointed out.
However there is one major problem here, it's not your fault mind you, but the concept is just too generic if I'm being honest.
I'm sorry, it's just so vanilla.
I hate to say this too, but lying wouldn't do anyone any good.
Don't be discouraged though. Who the fuck am I to say anyhow?
>>27565862
first things first, thanks for your time
so, if I'm understanding you right, it's the story itself that just isn't interesting?
because if that's the case, I'll just try to come up with something more original/interesting next time
>>27565926
That's one way of saying it, yes.
However looking back, I think I worded it wrong.
The problem isn't the concept so much as the way it came out, it was just really plain and predictable, though I'm sure it'll get better in practice.
>>27565999
Anything concrete to help me on my way?
>>27563190
Sorry for taking so long to post it
I needed to sleep, and my computer died.
And now I discover that the last blob of text that I added last night didn't save. Give me a minute...
>>27565303
requesting the story where Anon's father called Rarity a sexy dog and probably fapped to her
>>27567384
Excuse me?
>>27565762
Alright you've really got some work on your hands here. Now, I will agree with the other Anon about it being generic, but I find generic stories to be harmless since they make for writing practice. They help get the momentum flowing and what have you, but reading through this was tough.
I'll spare you the whole "get gud at grammar and punctuation" schtick, and would advise anyone who would critique to do the same. If you have Word, or even Grammarly installed on your browser, you can take the time to edit that stuff so we don't have to play that broken record over and over again.
You had very little, if anything working for this story, I get it was a dull setting since it's on a rock farm in the middle of nowhere, but when you have interesting characters and the interactions between them, you can make a decent story. Sure there were interactions here, but none that any reader would want to see.
Now, first thing is, Anonymous is head over hills about Marble, yet we rarely see them interact on the farm, much less holding a conversation.
I would be fine if they hung out on the porch and get comfortable talking with one another after work. I get that Anon was shy, but so was Marble, but if Anons been on the rock farm for a few days, I'd expect them to occasionally have a talk after work, or any amount of alone time for them to build a relationship between them.
1/2
>>27568931
I understand that Marble is Fluttershy 3.0 (Coco is 2.0), but I would have no problem, in fact, I would have excused and praised it if Marble was a total Chatty Kathy with Anon. That's how much I wanted those two building a relationship during the time Anon was on the rock farm. If you worked on that and fleshed them out, once Anon gave her the emerald there would be a bigger impact.
But all I'm getting out of this here is Anon autonomously going through the motions, and putting up with Limestone's shit. While I don't mind Limestone being bossy, I would've appreciated it if Anon wasn't a stuttering mess and being so compliant. Maybe a glare from him or something. Anything to suggest he's not a pushover. I suggest taking this back to the lab.
>>27567384
...que
page 10
>>27528444
Trips.
Asked at the end of the last thread, and got a response, but I'd like to ask again to see if anyone else would like to opine.
The story is about Anon having a form of amnesiastop your groaning, I can hear itwhere he can only remember clearly the last few hours, so by nighttime, his afternoon becomes really hard to recall, and by the next morning, the previous day is essentially gone. His pony wife has been taking care of him for years now. Essentially, we follow him around, watching him relearn the facts of his life throughout the day.
I had a question about two possibly conflicting elements.
I had an idea to have a character present information as though it had already been established to really let the reader experience Anon's struggle to remember stuff.
Another idea I had was to shift perspective to the wife's when she's retelling/remembering events, because there's information that she has that I want the audience to know, but not Anon the character.
Would these elements conflict with one another? I feel like they would.
>>27572814
Did you ever get a chance to check out memento?
So here's a thing, I have a really great idea for a story, but the story's arc is huge, and I have a feeling I've become too ambitious in my writing to attempt a story this large, but if I approach it right, I really could write this thing
I've got a story bible, with all my notes about what I'm going to include, the characters, the lore all written in, as I've been planning this story for about a month now, but.
My question is, when writing multi-chapter story, what tips do you have for keeping it all under wraps on not being overwhelmed by your own material. I've had great ideas in the past that have suffered because my planning has gone to crap from writing myself into a corner.
Any help would be appreciated.
>>27572999
I have not, but I'll plan on watching it tonight.
>>27573132
Good, it's an interesting take on what you're trying to do. Hope it'll help you out some
bemp
bumb
>>27568931
>>27568938
>mfw the post ripping me a new one is more eloquent than my story
Memes aside, you make a very valid point about the lack of interaction between Anon and Marble, I wasn't feeling confident about my ability to write dialogue and it seems I've avoided it as a result.
>That's how much I wanted those two building a relationship during the time Anon was on the rock farm
Did you want it because it was so obviously missing or because you could feel Anon's desire?
Also, I guess having two important characters be really shy and shit doesn't make for a very interesting read (at least not the way I handled it)
I'll take it back to the lab, as you said and keep what you said in mind, let's hope I can make something of it.
>>27573058
It seems to me like you have prepared yourself well. Were you this prepared for projects where it al went wrong?
>>27575084
Btw, this is not an impersonator, I just realised I wasn't using a secure trip
>>27575084
>Did you want it because it was so obviously missing or because you could feel Anon's desire?
Both camps on that one. Also, dialogue wise, I would have Anon crack a joke just to break the ice a little, and have Marble reference the punchline in their other talks. And maybe over time, their shy quirky inside jokes stake up.
Since they're on a trip, obviously there's time to bond.
If you're worried about the chatting between those two, I say give Anon a recalibration and make him less shy for the sake of having some interesting dialogue.
I'm curious to see what you'll come up with.
>>27575274
That's some solid advice, thanks.
>>27575287
Happy I can help man
Bumping with link to my PasteBin, for those interested in seeing me edit my story
http://pastebin.com/u/Rokade
Hey guys, I'm that guy who made that green about Anon having 4chan inside his head.
This was the last thread. >>27561475
I didn't get much feedback on it, so I was hoping you guys would take a look.
Here: http://pastebin.com/VNXyeKSK
Cheers
bumb
bamp
Bump. Just wondering, guys. Should we make a Skype group?
>>27579999
Know what? I'll throw my hat in. I think it'll be great to have when the thread's down, and what have you.
Let's do it.add olik.reznovLet's get this ball rolling here
bemp
>>27580273
Added
Same goes for
>>27575918
>>27576472
Add me on skype, you writefriends
Back to 1
bd
>>27579999
Checked
/mlp/ is really moving fast today
>>27551379
I am working on your critique right now.
>>27573058
What helped me was writing out an outline that's basically one big tl;dr of the story, covering all the most important character interactions and plot points, any relationships I wanted developed and how they went, and so on. It served as a marvelous road map.
>>27551379
This one’s going to hurt. There are three main problems that this boiled down to, with a litany of smaller, individual problems. I’m going to start with Anon.
As we all know, Anon is frequently used as a stand-in for the author and readers, to be as empty of personality and uncontroversial as possible. I’m not saying it’s good, I’m just saying that’s how it is. The main problem with that is it allows for very little expansion or exploration of interpersonal relationships, because he basically becomes a brick with a penis and a penchant for meme-speak. Your Anon is missing even this, and that’s really bad, because you’re trying to balance two mares’ plot lines on essentially nothing.
Even before I get to the hindrance that you put on him, you’ve got a shell of a character with two mares’ interests, one romantic and one parasitic, but he himself has no personality. He spends the majority of this story barely hanging on to his life. He comes alive a little bit to fight off Lilac (and I’ve got plenty to say about her), and he talks with Twilight at the end, but those things don’t make much of a personality, because all that can be safely inferred is that he has a healthy sense of self-preservation, and he likes Twilight. That can be said for pretty much anyone, and it doesn’t explain why Twilight is so in love with him. Lilac at least had an excuse for the initial interest: he was the only human, and they have a particularly good life force. Okay, fine. A little hokey, but whatever. 1/?
>>27584744
I cite lines 649-666. You gave me all this information about how painful it is for Twilight that Anon has fallen for some other mare, but why? Why is she so desperately in love with the guy? What has he done? You say that they were friends, but in what way? What do they have in common? What was their friendship based on? How did they get to be friends, and what did he do for her that no one else in Equestria could? I’ve got next to no information on Anon, so it comes across as strikingly out-of-place that Twilight should fall for him, and here we come to that hindrance I mentioned earlier.
On line 93, you say that the only other ponies who “bother to tolerate” him are the mane six. So the mane six, and Lilac, are the only ponies in Ponyville who don’t revile him, yes? I do mean revile, by the way. If they’re just bothering to tolerate him, then that means that all the other folks don’t bother to tolerate him; I’m left to assume that they’re just actively being prejudiced against him. So not only is he utterly bereft of personality, but he’s apparently vile enough for almost all of Ponyville to hate him, except for the mane six AND this Lilac character, one of whom has also just so happened to fall madly in love with him. Convenient, huh? And hardly any of the townsfolk even show up in this story, so having a detail like that, about them hating him, serves no purpose anyway, because it’s not actually showing anything about his character or the town as a whole. You’re just giving him an artificial sense of inaccessibility. 2/?
>>27584759
Moreover, by putting Lilac up with the mane six as the only one who likes him, you’re essentially telling me that she, and only she, is as special and virtuous as the mane six, because she is the only other one who can see beyond and like him for him, and that holds no damn water when her own personality is, one, hardly explored, and two, never compared to these other ponies who supposedly don’t bother to tolerate him. And I know that Lilac doesn’t actually like Anon, but she’s being presented in that way at the beginning, so that is the impression that is being worked with in this part of your writing.
So, Anon is basically a symbol in your story. He’s something for Twilight to love, something for Lilac to hate and try to destroy, and that’s it. He shuffles from location to location, and the drama follows in his wake, with characters fighting around him and over him, but with him not actually having much part, except to defend himself a little close to the end, but that doesn’t count as a characterizing action, because anyone would do that in that position. What does Anon do that sets him apart from, say, Lyra, or Big Mac? What does he do that some other character cannot? That is the danger with using Anon in a story; he’s usually so weak, has so little going for him, that one can frequently replace him with a background character and improve the story. 3/?
>>27584780
Let’s move on to Lilac. On line 124, you say that Anon is still paying the price of putting Lilac and Twilight in a room together, but, up to that point, I’d seen nothing to indicate that she was such a bitch. She seems awfully nice, if not a bit distant, so saying something expository like that doesn’t fit. If she’s so hard to be with, then why am I not seeing that up to that point? You want to set precedents for characters early, and definitely before you start giving out anecdotes. What good is talking about something in a character’s past if we hardly know the character in the first place? Any significance that isn’t obvious will be lost, at best, and any personality discrepancies will seem like problems with the writing, and not something suspicious about the character. To put it another way, it’s about establishing credibility. You need to make it clear to me first that you have a good idea of who this character is, and how she acts, before you can hit me with contradictory information, so that I can be certain such a move away from what you’ve established is intentional.
Of course, by the time I was in the early to mid-three hundreds, it was clear that Lilac was not all she seemed. Line 308, however, was ridiculous. She’s just some dumb, petty, angry housewife; what power does she have to have an armored guard quivering in his armor? It seems a small detail, comparatively, but it points to an issue with consistency. You knew what she was from the beginning, you had to, but no one else in your story has a reason to, so making the guard scared of her makes no sense. From his perspective, she’s just some upset pony who wants to know where her hubby is. 4/?
>>27584788
It was on lines 420-444 where you really hurt her character, though. 308 was a warning, but these lines were a major problem. To be blunt, all the cursing you have Lilac doing makes it look like you have no idea how to make her seem villainous without just having her go at it and attack the poor bastard, and it makes her come across as a raging idiot. The language she uses isn’t mature, or intelligent, or powerful, or scheming, or any of that. She just looks like a petulant wannabe who didn’t get her way, and is blaming her quarry. She’s like a hunter who fumes and freaks out when the duck he’s firing at flies away. There’s no restraint, no control, nothing, just inarticulate fury. Anybody can throw a temper tantrum like that, but it doesn’t make them a villain, just a whiner.
Once she actually does drop the pretense, she’s marginally better, but I had to wonder just what she’s supposed to be. She reminded me a lot of a changeling, but changelings don’t look like how you have her looking, and they don’t suck life force anyway, they suck one’s capacity to love. I see this a lot more than I would expect, the implementation of an OC for the main villain, when we get a new villain air-dropped on us every season. Why not make her one of Chrysalis’ goonies? Why not Tirek coming up for round two, in a gender-confused disguise? Hell, why not Discord getting up to his usual shit, but taking it too far, accidentally or otherwise? 5/?
>>27584800
I saved this part for last in my three main points, because it’s the largest. I first noted this on line 167, but you’ve got it going on earlier than that, and it is the inclusion of minor details that have no bearing on the plot or the characters. There’s a lot one can get away with in including obtuse details in the name of expanding a character’s personality, but dedicating a whole line to telling me that Anon takes a bite of his muffin before sipping his drink? Who needs that? Or lines 706-708, with Twilight and Spike going on a brief tangent about getting windows. What good is that? Then, we’ve got lines 169 and 174, which are a far cry from the tone you’ve been using so far. When I read those, I asked myself “is this a relationship drama, or is it some kind of noir thing?” Your tone is all over the place, and the details you’re including seem to come with no restraint.
Lines 219-220, the physical description for Dr. IV, are jammed in with no sense of timing or placement. Anon has just been put in the hospital, Twilight’s really worried about him, and it’s there that we need to hear about how this incidental doctor looks? That kind of description, something for a minor character, is so non-vital that you need to put it somewhere non-vital in your story, because, otherwise, you’re making it seem like his description is important when it isn’t. Why else would it be right there next to Anon in the hospital bed? You generally want to keep things of similar levels of importance grouped together, so the audience doesn’t get lost and confused as to what is and is not worth paying special attention to. 6/?
>>27584825
Whenever you have Twilight doing her little internal monologues, with that “inner voice,” it comes across as extremely gimmicky. That voice is almost seeming like a pseudo-character, and that’s just tawdry, cutesy fluff that has no business in this kind of story, a serious endeavor. Just have Twilight reflect about things the same way you have your other characters. That’s a pretty standard rhetorical device that a lot of people use, and it’s totally serviceable; trying to dress it up as you have with Twilight is just unnecessary.
On lines 525-534, you’re overdoing it on the dream. It’s not a realistic response, and I know that rings a little hollow with how much I said I don’t know him, but, when considering your average person, it’s not exactly a well founded reaction, and especially if it’s based on pure anger. What, is he angry that there’s nothing chasing him? Did he want there to be something actually back there? That, plus the overdone descriptions on how inexplicable his reaction is, make the whole scene look like you’re trying too hard to emphasize his actions. It looks like you’re not comfortable letting things stand on their own, so you notch all the language up to eleven to be safe, and it winds up being overt and ham-fisted. 7/?
>>27584843
On lines 715-744, you have Twilight sneaking around the hospital and using a pair of complicated sounding spells to get herself in, but none of that is necessary. Hospitals are open twenty-four hours a day, so there’s no reason for her to have to be cautious about entering. Why should she go to all the trouble to make herself invisible and intangible, spells she uses exactly once, when she could just waltz up to the front desk and ask to see Anon? If they say no, she could just say she thinks someone is out to get him, and they can put some added security on his room or something. I know this alternative isn’t as intriguing as having her trying to slip in unnoticed, but that version makes no damn sense, and you can find intrigue and action elsewhere, given your characters. You’ve got a princess and a life-sucking demon running around, surely there are ways to get some tension out of this story than by having Twilight try to slip into the hospital like a fugitive.
Finally, line 1120 had me laughing for its sheer ridiculousness. I kind of think you intended that—I hope you did—but it doesn’t really fit with all the serious stuff that came before and follows after. Not only is it inappropriately timed, but it also suggests an attempt at romance in an unsuitable place, and even though that romance is squashed nice and quickly, bringing up the idea opens a small can of worms that could be easily avoided. I believe that the joke is not worth the trouble it causes. 8/?
>>27584857
These last several paragraphs, you will notice, have no apparent central structure, and I do this deliberately to parallel what happened to me in your story. All of these issues that I mentioned were included in the story with little connectivity or attention to timing, so the whole thing came across as highly unfocused. I got the feeling that you didn’t dedicate much effort to differentiating between information that is and is not useful for your story, and the result was a sort of “everything but the kitchen sink” effect, a willy-nilly parade of actions and details that never developed into anything more than what they were at face value. Unfortunately, this is a difficult problem to overcome, and for which to give advice that amounts to more than “keep practicing.” Choosing what details to use, and where to use them, is a lot of what makes one’s personal style, and I’m not going to dictate what kind of style you should work towards, except to say that some kind of style should be one of your end goals, because developing that will lead to you being more temperate with your writing. You might begin by asking yourself constantly how something is going to directly serve your story, but that can be equally dangerous, because that habit can easily transform into a habit of truncating flare and flavor in the interest of efficiency. You'll need to contemplate that on your own. 9/?
>>27584876
Moving on, there were several medium-sized issues that didn’t really fit well into my triumvirate of problems above, and I will address them now. The beginning dream sequence was missing everything that makes a dream interesting. For one thing, there were too many “buts” when you described the imagery, which made the description seem winding; it was more like you were telling me what the dream wasn’t, rather than what it actually was, you know? Plus, the basic idea of one running from a formless horror and then falling into a monster mouth is a pretty big cliché, and with the brevity with which you wrote it, nothing in that scene seemed all that threatening. Line 18 especially is problematic, with that “hope upon hope” phrase. That phrase construction is a totally meaningless, pumped up bit of rhetoric people use to try to emphasize an action or an intention without actually describing it in any detail. If he’s already hoping to not die, then what is hoping upon hope doing? Does he hope harder or something? There’s so much you could say instead that would enhance that part of the story, both on that line and in general, with your imagery. Go into detail, and make the details seem messed up, as dreams, and nightmares specifically, often are. Some examples off the top of my head are that Anon can’t seem to run fast enough to get anywhere; or he never seems to be able to properly orient himself because he can’t hold his gaze still; or the monster behind him seems to pulse in and out of his awareness, putting him in a perpetual loop of febrile fight-or-flight. Dreams are places where you can let your hair down and let the creativity really come out with significantly fewer penalties than in other forms of prose, so take advantage of that. Just don’t overdo it, or you’ll look like you’re trying to be funny and random, and that’s no good either. 10/?
>>27584893
The playful banter on lines 132-136 was stilted and declarative. That kind of dialogue is really hard to write well anyway, because it is, by its nature, devoid of substance, so you have to make it fit its characters perfectly in order to keep its inherent uselessness from coming up front and center. Timing on banter is absolutely key, and, here, it seems like it’s just thrown in to try to give Twilight and Spike a little of that friendly relationship we already know they have. If it were less stilted, it might fit better, but the laboriousness of Spike’s sentences, and Twilight’s responses, make the whole thing seem rehearsed. Playful banter is also off-the-cuff, which means that characters are typically going to be delivering shorter, more conversational sentences, not things with large setups, like what you have.
On lines 353-366, you have this action sequence happening in a hospital, and Redheart takes a strangely long time to put a stop to it. If she’s right there, how in the world do Twilight and Lilac manage to trade blows for thirteen lines before she yells at them? There’s no good reason for the fight to have progressed at all, so the whole scene sort of falls apart. It’s simply not reasonable. You can’t just interchange settings and expect the plot to go on unhindered. Every location has its own effects on characters and events that you need to take into consideration. 11/?
>>27584907
On lines 609-618, how does Anon have the energy to fight like this? He could barely walk earlier that day, and now he’s picking up his heart monitor to slam on Lilac’s head. Adrenaline is one thing, but it’s not going to bring someone back from death’s doorstep like it does in a video game. Speaking of character inconsistencies, on line 757, you have Twilight thinking strangely well for how you have her characterized before. You’ve got a lot of drama hinging on her absentmindedness, but where is that lack of forethought on this line? Why is she able to snap to in this one specific place? Your characters have to be consistent with the precedents you set for them earlier, with any breaks in character at least acknowledged by other characters, so you can maintain your credibility as a writer.
Line 778 is particularly bad for a fight scene, because it’s too streamlined, too if-then. Fights are chaotic and frenzied things, and sentences that give a straight list of events as they happen, with such a level attention to intention and causality, make fights come across as lengthy, multi-step processes, and not big, distracting hubbubs. Writing a good fight scene is also really hard, because it demands a balance of detail with action, and never with so strong a focus that one thing stands out from everything else and overshadows it. Even with just two participants, a good fight is difficult, because it’s fast and impulsive, not choreographed and frequently not premeditated, at least not beyond the first couple moves. My advice in this department would be to focus on the sensations in the fight, more than the actual actions, and write in such a way as to substantiate what the characters are feeling, both physically and emotionally. From that, action can follow easily, and as long as you keep track of your characters in your head and don’t have them do impossible things, you should be okay—on the right track, at least. Again, practice. 12/?
>>27584923
Now, it’s on to some small details, a final point, and then we’re done. I’m going to take it from the top.
Line 8 is obvious and unnecessary. I mean, of course he’d like to slow the thing down. Who wouldn’t?
Line 67 is simply inaccurate. I know that you’re foreshadowing what will eventually be revealed to be happening to him, but that type of drastic weight loss and decline in health is totally possible. Unusual, but possible.
On line 90, there’s no need to explain that the behavior is strange. You can let the reader draw that implication simply by the way she and Anon interact; you would just need to write in a little strained dialogue between them.
Line 128 is too much. You don’t need to emphasize how nice a morning or a new setting is with an abundance of beatific descriptors. That kind of writing sticks out from the rest of your story, and not in a good way.
On line 131, since when is Spike awake before Twilight?
On line 142, you say that Twilight has servants in her castle. Since when is that?
Lines 143-150 are totally unnecessary. It’s just a shower you’re describing; it’s not important.
Line 183 is pointless, because it’s, again, obvious what happens when Twilight throws her papers around. No need to go out of your way to tell me about it. Then, on line 184, she thinks about cleaning it herself; why not have those servants she inexplicably has clean it up? 13/?
>>27584943
I’m not seeing the point of line 188. What’s the purpose of playing devil’s advocate in this way? What is illuminated?
On line 246, I think it’s weird that Twilight thinks it’s weird that Lilac is missing her husband’s checkups. They’re just routine visits, no big deal. Having Twilight react in this way makes her seem kind of doofy, as she’s going to again in a couple seconds.
Line 294 is extremely stilted. There’s no reason for the guard to say all this to Lilac, because, as an inhabitant of that universe, she already knows this stuff. It’s more like he’s saying it for the readers’ sake than Lilac’s, and that doesn’t fly. It breaks immersion.
On line 394, am I to believe that Nurse Redheart, an earth pony, teleported Twilight out of the hospital?
On line 399, Twilight is doing some really poor reasoning. She’s basically deciding to head back home because Lilac is out of sight, and there’s no way someone as smart as she would do something like that. That little bit of justification she gives about ice packs being better than destruction just makes her priorities feel misrepresented, and she winds up looking like a moron for it.
You’ve got two pairs of lines, 465-466 and 485-486, which are way, way too cutesy and kitschy. I see it a lot when writers are trying to toe the line between prose and meme-speak, and it’s never a comfortable fit, because it’s a cheap joke that has no business in a story that even attempts to be serious.
Line 472 is another unnecessary sentence.
On lines 489-490, I don’t think Twilight should be treating Spike’s words as such a big deal. All he did was repeat her own idea back to her.
There’s no need to elaborate on Twilight’s feelings as you do on line 644; they’re already clear. 14/?
>>27584956
The recapitulation on line 698 is unnecessary, and it’s also not doing much to make Twilight seem like a good guy in my eyes. Yes, Lilac is mean, but I don’t know she’s a monster yet, and a good deal of the story’s drama is coming from Twilight.
Line 727 doesn’t make any sense.
On line 790, how does Lilac manage to dodge to the side if Twilight is holding her down with telekinesis?
Line 804 is both unnecessary and poorly timed. It’s not the kind of editorializing that belongs in the middle of an action scene.
Line 817 is similar to those lines you have on Twilight.OS rebooting, in that it’s too cute. How silly, right, that Twilight forgot she was wounded? Don’t do that.
How does line 849 work? Is Twilight sitting like a person or something?
On line 872, how can Anon’s body language be aggressive if he’s practically catatonic?
On line 1059, watch your use of brand names in Equestria. They don’t have the same stuff we do.
Line 1074 is unnecessary for how basic it is. Everyone knows what a library is, so if you’re going to describe the location just to that point, you may as well not.
Lines 1111 and 1112 are both too sappy. Those are the kind of self-defeating, uninformative, blinkered rhetorical questions one would find in the margins of a high school freshman’s notebook.
Lastly, the final line, line 1180. To me, this says that you came up with the story title first, and wanted to include the title in the prose for some unspecific reason. That’s not required, and doing so at the very end was rather cloying, kind of like a forced punch line. 15/16
Little guy, join the group?
>>27580273
>>27580841
>>27584972
To bring this critique to a close, you need to improve your grammar and punctuation in a serious way. I’m not going to point out every single mistake; to do so would be preposterous, but here are some lines that stood out to me. You need a line break between line 126 and 127. On line 313, running all your words together to convey a character speaking quickly is no help, because it forces the reader to slow down to untangle what they’re saying. Lines 456 and 457 can go without the exclamation points. Line 1012 is almost identical to line 650, and that’s bad form. You don’t want your sentences to sound like they’ve been copy-pasted.
So, overall, there’s a lot to work on here. You said you were an amateur, so I hope that this doesn’t come as too much of a shock. Your grammar and sentence structure make this hard to read and take seriously, with things like misused words and sentences that make no grammatical sense. Anon has no character, and is being used more as a tool to incite drama than anything else, while Lilac is mishandled, and does not come across as a competent or interesting villain. Your inclusion of detail with little to no restraint or consideration for timing made this resemble a shotgun blast of plot points and character interactions, with tenuous connectivity and consistency. Twilight has been dumbed down pretty significantly, and that has led to some smaller inconsistencies that damage the story. In the beginning, you apologized for the “Be X” story structure. Personally, I’m not often bothered by it, but I know a lot of other readers are, so I would advise you find a different way to convey who the narrator is. Keep practicing, and don’t be discouraged. 16/16
And with that, I'm out. I've got work in about nine hours, so I'll have to handle any follow-up tomorrow. Good night.
pmub
c-c-c-combo breaker
>>27572374
this
>>27524039
I believe little guy has some strong opinions about Jodi Piccoult.
>>27592842
Hey, interested in the WG skype chat?
>>27592958
Nah, I have absolutely nothing of value to contribute. I'm not a writer. I mostly just pop in these threads every now and again because I know little guy irl. Thanks though.
bamp
beep
>>27580273
But J, we already have a skype group. Why make another?
>>27596738
Think you got the wrong guy. But I just think it'll be great for the writefags the frequent here to have skype chat.
Checked the thread at the right time bump
>>27584985
Yeah, I'll do it. little.guy546
>>27600957
Added
>>27576472
I'm not ignoring you. I just need a break after my earlier critique.
Alright. So I need some help in terms of criticism fellow writefags. I'm in the process of not writing a green, but a fullblown fanfic. I'm still in the process of writing the first chapter, but I would still like some type of feedback.
Also, just a heads up, it's not an mlp fanfic.
http://pastebin.com/wEE569Et
>>27601976
Shit, I forgot to clarify what I was looking for in terms of criticisms. I want to know if my writing style could turn off a reader. To much trifling detail, do conversations and interactions seem forced? Stuff like that.
Also, to clarify what the fanfic is for, its about RWBY.
>>27601976
>>27602020
Style works for me, dialogue is to the point, thoughts are as I'd expect them in my own head.
I am going to point out some minor things, since they did hinder me in my reading:
Line 25: 'amount amusement' should be 'amount of amusement'.
Line 33: 'next time'and 'again' make a tautology that serves no purpose in my eyes.
Also, occasionally you write something like: "I'm hungry." The man said.
I'm at least 80% sure that in such a construction the spoken bit should end with a comma, not a dot.
>>27522546
As someone who's been thinking about writing but haven't worked up the motivation to do it, what are the benefits of joining the writefags guild? Is there dental? Will the guild fast-track my stories for awards? Will there be hired goons? What about narcotic sales? Slave trade? Free lemonade at guild events?
>>27596899
Alright then CT. Could you add me to the group? I'm not putting my skype tag for reasons.
>>27602975
Well, you get free feedback with your happy meal, but you might be sold into slavery, so there's pros and cons.
Write, people! Write!
>>27602975
You get free coffee, and top of the line goons to keep you safe.
You also get one rabid grammar nazi pony who will help with your grammar errors in your stories.
After you've posted a few stories, you will be offered to join the WG skype chat, which consists of a few writefriends already. The chat keeps you in touch with fellow writefriends and for some fun and on the fly critique by them.
You do get dental. Only narcotics we got are Cocaine and Caffeine to keep you focused on writing.
At guild events, if you're already a member, the lemonade free. My colleague claims that you might get sold into slavery, while it is true, it' rarely every happens, usually, when we're tight on cash and need to keep the lights on. But after we stable again, we'll buy you back.
We have a backroom with nothing but blackjack and hookers, if you're a member, you'll get hooker services at half the price.
Join the Writefag Guild today, making the green worth reading, and keeping your coffee free and steaming.
>>27603711
If I do have you on skype, shoot me a message and I'll get right on it. I just woke up and my mental cryptic decoder is slow this morning.
>Had story I wanted to finish but lost all motivation to do so
Why can't I finish anything?
>>27605059
We can't really tell what your specififc problem is, but here are some tips anyway:
- Write scenes you find interesting first or rush through the boring ones, they'll turn out shit, but you can always rewrite them. It'll be easier since you'll feel like you're already almost done
- Don't bite of more than you can chew
- Everytime you think of something, write it down even if you're doing something else, you don't want to lose a moment of inspiration/motivation
- Don't always write on your pc, it will distract you, grab a piece of paper and go sit outside
If you want more specific advice, then give us some more info, we're always glad to help someone out.
>>27605128
My main problems are A) I want to do too many things at once, and B) when I hit any type of mental constipation I just drop a story, even if I figure out how to get past it.
I normally write on my phone (which doesn't help either) and I don't have a set time to write anything.
Plus when it's slow at my job I can't really put out a notepad or anything and just start jotting stuff down.
>>27604650
no u
bamp
>>27604650
I can't think of a process that works for me without being directly prompted. It's hard to take baby steps when I don't even know how to stand on my own.
>>27602636
Well, thanks for the input. I've actually been trying to work on this idea for quite a few years now.
When I first started I got hit with a major amount of writers block and when I got out of it, things like classes just got in my way. Now I'm going back and rewriting this story since what I first churned out was terrible in my eyes. Not to mention all the new stuff currently in the series that I'm now deciding to compensate for.
All in all, it's good to know that so far I'm doing well.
>>27609451
keep it up Anon
>>27605993
Well, uhm, A) Don't, and B) Don't
You probably already figured out what I'm about to say, but limit your stories, one main plot and one secondary plot (assuming you're not writing a fullblown novel) is enough. Write all the ideas down/remember them for your next sotries, but do restrain yourself from stuffing everything into one story.
And as for your second problem, don't give up! An obvious answer, but I hope encouragement from someone else might give you the push you need.
>>27608961
Pick your favourite background pony and write about how she got her cutie mark. Come back when you need a new idea.
You can't die on me
bamap
>>27522546
Would anyone be interested in a site dedicated entirely to greentexts? All categorized by story type/content of course?
The branching would work like this:
>Story type: AiE
>>NSFW(check or uncheck)
>>Character pairings(check or uncheck)
>>>If checked, which characters?
>>Rating: Comfy, Sexy, Edgy(I think these are fair)
>>Type: Romance, Depressing, Grimdark
something like that.
>>27617457
Maybe. Most greens have a paste or a general that keeps them, but it might be nice to just find things by search engine of some kind.
>>27607074
no u!
>>27608961
>directly prompted
Really? Why do you think so?
>>27618988
no u
time for a bump
>>27619038
no u
>>27620087
no u
Ass
>>27622892
Titties
Bamap.
What did you guys think of the new ep?
>>27624550
It was fun, bit predictable, but brought to attention how Rarity has to choose between the high class establishment and her (friend's) ideas (even though we've seen that before)
7.5/10
>>27624581
the india qt mare was something worth fappin' too tell you what
>>27622383
no u
How important is a plot to a story?
I got started on a "Anon visits cousin Apples" story, initially as a short, comfy couple of scenes. But it turned into something a lot bigger, and there's still not a lot of plot, besides some minor character development (which I'm kind of at a loss at, since people usually take a while to change and instant development is rare and tends to be written badly) and some romantic sidelines that I might not resolve. Can a story stand on its own without having a lot of drama involved, or a clear and immediate plot?
>>27626042
>How important is a plot to a story?
I know this sounds redundant, but it's only as important as you make it. If your focus is character and character interaction, then having a complex plot with twists and turns probably isn't necessary.
>Can a story stand on its own without having a lot of drama involved, or a clear and immediate plot?
In my opinion, yes and no. If right from the start, the plot isn't the main focus, then the reader will have less trouble if it falls more into the background. If, however, the plot is the hook for the reader, and you push that aside for other things to take focus, then it might feel like your story has hit the breaks.
Might not be the right place to post this, but whatever. How many replies is a normal amount to a green you posted? It used to be that I was the only writefag in my home thread, so I would get 5 or so for every short story I wrote. Apparently I gave the thread the kick in the ass it needed, because now there are a ton of writefags now, and Im only getting two or three (You)s per story, even when they take a large amount of work to actually make a good one (im shit at writing). Now Im just trying to figure out weather they enjoy those new writefags and dont really like my stories anymore and I should just leave, or if Im just being completely irrational (most likely option.).
>>27627312
The amount varies from thread to thread. If a general has more life then a healthy amount of replies could easily be 5, but for slower generals it'll average between 2, maybe 3 on a good day.
In my experience, I found that most Anons don't reply to stories they read, or rather they don't feel inclined to. So what'll happen is even though two or three people reply, there might've been five more that read and enjoy it, but never say anything. I consider them to be the silent audience. But they might ask about a certain story if they haven't seen an update in 3 threads or something.
Another thing I found interesting is people are more inclined to reply to shorter greens. Reason being that they're quick easy reads, so they're no spending a ton of time reading. There is no doubt that even longer stories get replies, but it will be easily skipped over for something shorter. Anons are lazy after all, so unless your story can grab attention within the first post, any Anon will go "Eh, I'll read that shit later." and that will still happen even AFTER you grabbed their attention sometimes. "Oooh, this looks interesting, I'll read it later when I have time."
What I took away from my experience is if you can keep your greens short and sweet, Anons will reply, and there are no doubt that a few more read but didn't reply. And interestingly enough when a story gets about 4 replies, other Anons will get curious as to why that story is getting attention.
Mind you, keeping your stories short and sweet are good for shorts, but for longer stories, it's a tough bullet to bite, and the attention will vary from general to general.
Also, just because they are other writers in the thread doesn't mean they're tossing you stuff out. If anything, it's a good way to pick up other things from writefags and even form a little bit of thread culture.
Don't be discouraged if you don't get a lot of replies. Your Pastebin will tell a different story.
>>27627480
How short is a short story supposed to be? Mine are usually three to four posts, and they're all separate from each other.
>Your Pastebin will tell a different story.
How so?
>>27627312
We talking about replies per post, or total replies overall in a story?
>>27627517
Overall replies.
>>27627509
When you look at your pastebin, you can see how many people visit a certain story. So at times, it might seem like no one's reading the story in the thread, but you may have 30 to 50 hits on PB, and over time that number will grow.
As for how short, I'm not going to suggest how many posts it should take because it'll only mess with creativity.
>>27627595
I thought that those were just bots, because it says I have over 1000 total hits on all of my pastes, which seems a bit off.
>As for how short, I'm not going to suggest how many posts it should take because it'll only mess with creativity.
Yea, that was a dumb question.
>>27627653
Nah no bots, usually just people checking out pastebin's recent pastes, so they'll have a peep. But people from the thread will have a look to for a reading later option
Let's say that you're a writer who hasn't watched the show in ages, but still have plenty of old fics that you enjoyed writing for laying around.
Would there even be a point in picking one of them back up after so long? Twilicorn has been around for ages now, would it be jarring to see Twilight be a unicorn again? To deal with stuff that happened in the first few seasons?
>>27627677
>Nah no bots
Wait, seriously? I had always assumed that when I upload a story and it gets 30+ views in a short time that it was just some sort of automated thing. If this is true and they really are people, then thanks Anon, thats really good to know.
>>27627716
I think it would be a nice nostalgia trip to see no wings twilight again. Yes man, please remind us of the golden age.
>>27627736
Now wait. I literally just updated my pastebin by adding a new story, and it already has 36 hits, despite only being up for about 30 seconds. How?
>>27627843
I told you man, people like lurking the recent pastes. There are tons of people that us the site, programmers, writers, readers all kinds of people. It's not that far of a stretch.
>>27627899
I mean, I'll take your word for it, especially since I cant find anything on google, but it seems really off that I got all of those hits in just 30 seconds. Its not like people are monitoring my pastebin or anything, so how did they know to come so quickly?
>>27627985
Take a look at the recent pastes. The moment you make a paste, it shows up on that page, and there are tons of hits on the site already. It's just people browsing around 36 is really a small number of people compared to how many people already use the site
>>27628016
Forgive my newfaggotry, but pastebin has a recent page? I can only find the popular page.
>>27627548
I guess it depends on the thread. I don't normally keep track of replies, so I had to go find a few and count them. I've had 1-3 post stories that get ~10 replies. I've had 1-3 post stories get 1 or 2 replies. One story I wrote that was about 17 posts long had 60 replies throughout. Then I've written stories that get no replies, but if I were to guess, I think on average I would be in the 2-3 (you)s per post, but that doesn't reflect on the quality, though. Outside here, I get a few "10/10 GOAT" but whenever I bring them to this thread to be put under a critical lens, they're exposed as being nothing special. Not particularly bad, but they're nothing to write home aboutHUEHUEHUEHUE.
I wouldn't live for the (you)s. There's a reason beyond humility being a desirable quality and the fact that recognition isn't synonymous with quality. Sooner or later, you're going to be irrelevant. It's a lesson I have to relearn over and over again. Someone new is going to swoop in and steal the thunder. Other times, you're going to shove your way into another thread, only to be overshadowed by former, even better, writers than you. Believe me, I've been on all ends of this.
I wouldn't take the lack of responses personally. It may be the novelty of new writers that gets people excited, and they want to encourage the new blood so they stick around. You did say that it was dead, didn't you? They could just be ecstatic that it's picking up pace.
If you really are feeling like you're being left out, try something different with your stories. Maybe do something a bit more complex or deep. Take your normal format, and make some tweaks here and there. I can't know your situation, but you may have just gotten a little stale, and need to shake off the dust, and take a little risk with your writing to garner some interest.
>>27628054
Click "public pastes" It's gonna be on the right side, below "My Pastes"
>>27628121
Huh, so it's a combination of people seeing me in the public pastes and people who have me on their alert list? Now that I think about it, there's no real reason for bots to be randomly selecting pastes, but just the idea that I'm only getting two or three replies per story, but I'm getting 60+ hits on a paste that's been up for 30 minutes is baffling to me.
>>27628200
Not that guy, but there is an initial boost if you post your story as public. If you post it as private or unlisted, then wait an hour and switch it over to public, you'll get a more accurate read.
>>27628293
Alright, thanks, I'll try that next time.
>With the last gear in place, you set the balance spring in motion.
>You listen for a few seconds to the steady tick of the pocket watch.
"Finally. I got you working, you little bastard."
>You flip it around, and prepare to set the time, but something's wrong.
>The second hand is moving counterclockwise.
"Son of a-"
>"Uncle Anon?"
>You pull your head away from your desk's magnifying glass and rub your eyes as they readjust themselves to Flurry Heart.
>She stretches herself just so that her eyes are above your workstation.
"Yes?"
>"I'm ready for today's lesson."
"Is it already that time? Alright, well. Let's get started."
>You move your tools and little mechanical devices off to the side, making room for the young princess.
>Her eyes follow the stuff.
>"What are you working on?"
>You let out a sigh.
"Trying to get this stupid watch fixed."
>Flurry levitates the watch over to her.
>"This one?"
"Yes. That one."
>"Why is it going backwards?"
"Because I didn't fix it. Now come on. Pull up a chair. You're not doing your work on the ground."
>She grabs a chair for herself, and lays her supplies on the table.
>"What are we going over today?"
"We're still doing springs until you can get it."
>At the sound of the word springs, Flurry groans.
"I know, but I promise: once you understand this, we'll have some fun, and build a mini-catapult together. I'm sure you can bother your mother to Hell and back with it."
>"But I do understand it!"
"That's not what your homework says."
>"Fine."
"Okay, write this down. You have a box with a mass of five kilograms, and rest it onto a spring. The spring compresses from one meter to half a meter. What is the spring constant? Once you find that, tell me how much the spring will compress when there is an eight kilogram, a three kilogram, and a one kilogram box on the spring."
>Diligently, she works through the math, and once she solves those, you give her slightly more complex ones to tackle.
>>27629723
>With a little help and some hints, she manages them just fine.
>You could see the gears finally starting to turn inside her head, something you failed to see from the previous day.
>Though, in her defense, she had a lot on her mind at the moment with her dad.
>For her homework, you were going to let her stay in your workshop.
>You would give her a few springs of various materials and coiling, along with a weight and ruler
>Her task was to find the spring with the highest constant so that it can be used for the catapult.
>She argued that she didn't need to go through all that work, and could just measure which spring compresses the least.
>You told her that wasn't the fucking point.
>While she worked on that, you would work on fixing that watch.
>That is until she protested.
>"Anon, what are you doing?"
"Fixing this watch. What does it look like?"
>"Oh, okay."
"Are you wanting me to help you?"
>"No."
"Alright then."
>You bring the desk magnifying glass over the watch, and prepare your tools to start pulling out gears.
>"I just thought that the watch was pretty neat as it was. That's all."
"Well, you think it's neat. I think it's broken."
>There's a moment of silence.
>"So what are you going to do with it when you're done?"
"Put it on my dresser. Carry it around. Sell it. Hell, I don't know, Flurry. I'm just tinkering around with this stuff. Why? Are you wanting it?"
>She shrugs.
>"Maybe a little."
>You scoff.
"Alright, fine. I'll put the back piece back on, and you can have it."
>"Thanks, Anon."
>One by one, she examines the springs.
>As she does so, she tries striking up a conversation with you.
>"Anon, you said that you used to be a nurse, or doctor, or..."
"Paramedic."
>"So, you saved lives?"
"Sometimes, yes. I kept people from dying."
>>27629731
>"Like sick ones?"
"Not really. I mean, yes, I picked up people who were sick, but my job revolved around getting people who had emergencies, like heart attacks, strokes, car accidents. Most of the ill people were already in the hospital."
>"So you don't know how to treat illnesses?"
"No."
>"But you're really smart. If the doctors here asked for your help, you could do it, right?"
"Look, Flurry. I don't know anything about how to make people not sick, alright? Why don't you go ask your aunt these damn questions?"
>Her ears fall back.
>Her gaze is locked onto the springs, but you can see it in her eyes that you've struck a nerve.
"I'm...I'm sorry, Flurry. I shouldn't have said that. That wasn't an appropriate thing of me to say."
>"It's okay, Anon."
>Until she completed her work, the only sound you had listened to was the scratching of quill on parchment, and the ticking of a broken watch.
>"Here."
>She brings over her homework to you.
>You give it a cursory glance.
"Good job for today."
>"You didn't even go over it."
"I'm sure you did just fine."
>"Okay."
>As she packs her materials you remind her of her trinket.
"Hey, don't forget your watch."
>"Oh yeah."
>She levitates the watch to in front of her, and opens it up, watching the second hand tick by.
>"Anon, in your world, was there ever a way to go back in time?"
"I wish."
>"What would you have done if you could?"
"I would have responded to some of those calls a lot quicker."
>She closes the watch and tucks it away.
>"I wish I could go back and have a memory of dad before he got sick."
>You pull Flurry close to you and pet her head.
"I know."
>Her voice is breaking up.
>"You would have helped him if you could have, right, Anon?"
"Yeah. I would have done everything possible."
>You hear a sniffle.
>"Anon, what did you do when you couldn't save somepony?"
"Blamed myself. Blamed those around me. Cried sometimes. Just know that it's not your fault. These things happen."
>"Okay."
I just did this. Wanted to know if I could create an impact despite the lack of breadth of the passage and ways to improve it.
>>27629749
It seems you've got a habit of using present continuous where present simple should be used, for example:
"Are you wanting me to help you?" should be "Do you want me to help you?"
I'd say the subject of sickness and death applied to a young pony should be sufficient to create an impact, even in a short scene. I do suggest changing or adding to the end since "Okay" is rather anticlimactic.
>>27627312
Yea, I know how much that sucks. We got a bunch of new writefriends in my usual thread, and I'm getting alot less relieves then he is. Most of mine are "I liked this one" or "Cute" and his are "no joke this is the best ______ green I've ever read." I'm probably just being super petty, but sometimes I wonder if I should just leave.
>>27631215
As long as you enjoy writing and/or there Anons enjoying your stories, you shouldn't stop. Which doesn't mean you can't write for other threads for a bit, maybe they're even more fun.
>>27631719
Youre definitely right, I know im just being an attention whore. I think I'll try what >>27628071
said and try switching it up a little. Speaking of which, does anyone have any ideas on how to do that? I write in the standard green text way, so im not really sure who to do it differently.
>>27631215
Do you read the new writefriend's green? It could tell you a lot of what the reader looks for
>>27632316
While I don't know what that other Anon had in mind, there is a number of things you can do.
- Write in past/present tense (whichever you weren't doing before).
- Write less dialogue and more descriptions (or vice versa).
- Write about characters with personalities you normally wouldn't touch.
- Write longer/shorter scenes.
Both content wise and style wise you can change a lot of things. Try to find something that you always do and then don't do it for once.
>>27632505
Thats just the problem, ive read every single post, and i just dont get it. Its a great green, dont get me wrong, but its just your generic waifufic. The only difference between his and mine is that his is really long (like 20+ posts) and mine are a collection of short stories.
>>27632582
If you don't mind, could you post a fic? Or, maybe fill us in on your thought process when writing?
>>27635341
Unfortunately I dont really want to post a fic, because i dont want anybody in this tread who is also in my home thread to think im being whiny or anything, and Im pretty sure the writefriend I'm talking about browses this thread too. Like I said, I write in the pretty standard way. Theyre all short stories, so I start out with a hook, something to grab the readers attention. Its usually a bunch of vague dialog, which is then followed by some exposition. I mainly write with descriptions rather than dialog, but I do have a fair amount of both. I'll try to throw in as much cute shit as I can, seeing as thats what should be in a short waifufic. That being said though, It's really important to me to have the pony im writing about stay in character, so I dont go over board with the cute shit. His is almost exactly the same, the only difference is that his is a hell of alot longer than mine. One thing that im thinking might be the problem is that one other difference his has is alot more touching. There hasnt been any clop yet, but some kissing and licking, that sort of thing. I have yet to go anything beyond some simple petting, and I know that generally the /mlp/ audience prefers
>horse pussy
to regular cute stuff. Thats all just speculation though, I really have no idea.
>>27628293
Alright, so I tried that, and this time I've only gotten 5 hits in like 12 hours. Why the sudden drop from 50 or so?
Quick bump
bemp
>>27635701
Try playing around with your formula a bit. Try different kinds of hooks. Instead of going for ambiguity, which has the reader asking "What's going on?" try having an opener that is more precise and clear. This is kind of a tangent, but I like to think of what keeps the reader reading is that they have a question that needs to be answered. They may not be aware of these questions, but they still have them. Try finding ways to get the reader to ask different questions. You could have the characters in a really strange situation, which will make the reader curious as to how they got there, which lets you tell a story as a flashback leading up to the point that you started the whole thing with. Or, you could open up with Anon and his waifu having a heated argument, and the rest of the story, the reader is wondering if the couple will be able to make up. With your openers, there are tons of ways to grab the reader's attention and get them wondering about the direction of your story. The only thing I would advise against are the false starts. The openers where everything's dramatic, but it turns out to be a dream, or one character comically overreacting. Don't do those.
As for your exposition, think about how much, and how little, information you communicate. Explore the subtext your character's words and actions. Play around with how you tease the information out and pace it. Ask yourself "What do I want the reader to know/not know?"
You could also play around with the type of relationship Anon and his waifu have. Are they happy-go-lucky and the only conflict is them trying to one-up each other with witty remarks? Are they a struggling couple doing everything to make their relationship work? Is one putting more in than the other?
I can't really make great suggestions and recommendations, and I'm sure I've mentioned ideas you're well aware of, but hopefully I've said something that sparks some inspiration.
>>27637584
Thanks Anon, you gave me alot of good ideas. I got a feeling my next green is going to be good.
>>27635714
Anyone have an answer to this? Seems like a really big difference for just an hour of privacy.
>>27638924
>just an hour
I think you're underestimating the sheer amount of new pastes being made every minute. Within an hour your paste can easily fade into obscurity.
>>27638924
When you set it to public, all sorts of people check it out. That initial boost is not from your intended audience. I know someone else said it's not bots, but I'm pretty sure some of them are. Others are people randomly clicking on it when it pops up in the "recent pastes" section. Only a handful of those are people from the thread you posted in.
>>27640082
>>27639488
So you guys are telling me that the 10 or so hits I got is more accurate than 90 some hits?The truth hurts anons.
>>27640108
Don't be discouraged. We all had to come to that realization
>>27632582
>tfw you post a short story you spent 2 or more hours on
>tfw no one replies at all
>tfw you just samefag one or two times on your post in order to save face
Iktfb
>>27631215
>>27640738
I'm having the same issue as these anons. When I first started posting, I got a pretty decent number of replies, and everything was great. Recently a bunch of new writefriends have shown up, and now they're getting a large number of then while I'm only getting one, sometimes two replies per story. I was thinking about doing a longer, continuing green rather than another short story. I'm not saying I deserve a huge amount of praise, because I know my greens arnt very good, but it's really disheartening when you put alot of work into a green and no one replies. I know this is a huge favor to ask, but if any anons have some free time, could you take a look at a few of my recent greens and see if you can tell what's wrong with them? Im planning on spending a large number of hours writing tonight, so I'd really appreciate any suggestions before hand.
http://pastebin.com/u/Churchpastebin
Things started to go downhill around "One Year Anniversary".
>>27640738
>tfw you just samefag one or two times on your post in order to save face
You're not alone.
Alright, writefags' guild. First time here. I've started writing for /sun/, but would like some advicebe gentle
I'm currently stuck in a cycle of having ideas for parts later in the green, but nothing for what's after what I just finished. For reference, I'm used to writing on the go, as is how I've always done. Planning has never really gotten me anywhere, and only really serves to worsen my writer's block (save for some very vague and basic outlining). I'm just afraid my updates will be too short, and too infrequent. Any ideas on how to solve this?
Also, some general critique on the green I'm working on would be nice. I plan on making it quite long.
http://pastebin.com/LV46JLec
>>27640907
I'll give you some thoughts here in a bit.
>>27640907
Okay, I just read Dash Cooks for You. It's not bad. There isn't anything wrong with it, aside from minor issues that can be caught by proof-reading.
I'm going to use a cooking metaphor, because why the hell not. Right now, I feel like you're playing around with spices and flavorings, which you're doing fine. You have cute imagery, you portray Dash's character fairly accurately and capture some of her mannerisms. The thing you lack is meat. What is the meat of this story? Dash cooks for Anon. It's literally in your title. That idea alone isn't very substantial. Don't get me wrong, you did a nice job of telling the story. It never felt dry to read. You strayed away from meme-speak, which I appreciate. As I said earlier, you have cute imagery, and write Dash fairly well in my opinion, but all that stuff is just spice. It's not meat.
If you want replies that aren't just "cute" then you need to bring an idea that has a fair amount of substance to it.
>>27629975
Thanks for your feedback. I do plan on keeping the dialogue as is, but I'll change any instances that pop up in the narration. Just curious, is there any reason why I should use the present simple instead of the present continuous?
>>27642452
Hello there, fellow.
I once tried to do the same thing, not planning a story out. It worked for a few shorts, but the major things that I tried to write without planning simply didn't work out. At this point, I was at a crossroads, and so are you.
You have two options:
-Start planning out your story by making a story bible that includes lore and a summary of how you want the story to go
-Continue to not plan things out and only do shorts
It won't work to vomit out words until you have a big long epic, I've already tried that. You have to make a decision.
>>27643708
Thats actually crazy good advice, thanks Anon. Thats the only difference I can see between mine and the other writefriends stories, mine are "cute" one shots, theirs are long stories with an actual plot. I just got done writing a new one, which I think is a bit more heavy than the rest of them. I know I already asked you guys to do some reading, but would it be alright id I posted it here before I posted it in the Dash thread?
>>27642452
>>27643769
As for the green you provided, it's certainly interesting, I'm hooked. I'll have to pick back up on it tomorrow though, as I have to go sleep now.
>>27643806
Go for it, man. I'll give you some more feedback
Hey, is there anybody here that's posted green, but not had someone look at it, or promise to look at it? I lose track easily.
>>27643806
I should also say that substance is not synonymous with length. You can create a huge impact with just a few posts.
>>27643854
Thanks Anon, I appreciate all the reading. I tried what >>27637584 said, I got rid of the hook and switched up the amount of dialog and description.
>*Knock knock knock*
>The sudden sound wakes you up, causing you to sit up stiffly on your couch.
>*Knock knock knock*
>Who could that be? You were all alone in your home, and you weren't expecting anyone tonight.
>You stand up from the chair and creep over to the window, taking a peek outside.
>To your surprise, you see a cyan blue pegusi outside, shivering from the cold.
>She knocks on the door again, even harder this time.
>"Anon! I know you're in there, lemme in! It's cold out here."
>You sigh in frustration.
>As much as you just wanted to be alone, you couldn't really leave her out there in the snow.
>You pull open the door, trying you best to shield yourself from the outside cold.
>"There you are Anon. Hurry up man, lemme in. I'm freezing!"
>Seeing as you really have no choice, you step to the side, letting her in.
>As soon as she steps in, she shakes the snow off of her pelt, getting snow all over.
>"Heh, sorry."
>You walk back over to your couch and sit down close to the fireplace, offering a place next to you for your visitor.
>She floats down into her spot, and warms her hooves by the fire.
"So, what's up Dash?"
>"What do you mean?"
"Well, not like I mind your company or anything, but why are you here? Seems like a hell of a night for a visit."
>She looks at you with a sarcastic hurt expression.
>"What? I'm not allowed to visit my bro?"
"Not when there's blizzard out side, no."
>"Well, I just wanted to come by and make sure you were alright, that's all."
>You give her a confused look.
"As much as I appreciate your concern, that seems kinda out of character for you Dash."
>This time it was her turn to shoot you the confused look.
>"Wait, did you actually forget?"
"Forget what?"
>"Hearths Warming Eve, duh. You never showed up at Pinkie's party, so I stopped by to make sure you were alright."
>Oh yeah, thats right.
>You remember now, you were supposed to go, but you decided last minute to stay at home.
>As muchas you liked your pony friends, this it of year was giving you memories of Christmas back home, and you don't think you could have handled a party like that.
>You had been feeling homesick lately, so you had started to shut out some of your new pony friends.
>Dash pulls herself away from the fire and back into the couch.
>You just sit there in silence for a while, watching the fire blaze on.
>Dash is the first one to break the silence.
>"So Anon, I've been meaning to ask you,... do humans have anything like Hearths Warming back on Eurath?"
>You almost say something about the mispronunciation,but decide not to.
"Yea, we have this thing called Christmas. Its pretty much the same, the presents, the trees, the snow, everything."
>"Oh, cool."
>Dash seems unusually meek, like she's got something on her mind.
>"Do you ever...miss your family? Or your friends?"
>You freeze for a moment.
>Its hard enough to think about your family, much less talk about it.
>You don't really know how to respond, so you stick to silence instead.
>Noting your speechlessness, Dash scoots a bit closer to you.
>"Its totally cool if you don't wanna talk about it, but if you do, Im here for you."
"Thanks for the offer Dash, but Im sure you don't want to listen to my sob story, especially tonight."
>She gives you a light bump on the shoulder, but a comforting smile too.
>"It's alright Anon, that's what best buds are there for, right?"
>This kinda thing was rare coming from Dash, so you might as well go for it.
"I don't know, I don't really expect you to understand. I just feel.... alone, you know? Don't get me wrong, you guys have all been great to me, but once the novelty of being the new creature in town wore off, I just feel sort of out of place. Like I don't belong here. Like I'm totally alone. I miss my family back on Earth, and remembering Christmas makes me feel even worse."
>>27643973
>Damn, that felt better than you expected to get off your chest.
>Expecting Dash to be totally put off by your monologue, to your surprise, she's actually intently listening.
>After you finish, she looks at you with knowing eyes and sighs sadly.
>"Believe it or not, I know just what you mean."
"Really? How? You have tons of friends, all who love you."
>"I dunno, sometimes I just feel like I don't really connect with any of them. Like sometimes being alone and being in a room with other ponies feels the same, you know?"
"So why don't you just tell them you feel this way?
>"I dunno Anon, this is the first time I've ever told any one about this. It's something personal though, so promise not to tell anyone, alright?"
"Of course Dash, this is between you and me, but why are you telling me this? All of your friends and you picked me?"
>"This might sound kinda odd, but I guess it because I trust you. We're both outsiders, so I dunno, I feel like I can tell you this kinda stuff."
>You can see her eyes starting to well up.
>Damn it, what do I say?
>You sit up with your legs crisscrossed and motion for her to come close to you.
>When she does, you lift her up into your lap, holding her close.
>You figured she could use a hug right about now.
>You've never seen her like this, so open and sad.
>You run your hand through her mane, trying to calm her down.
>You can feel a few warm droplets hitting your legs through your pants.
>"Sorry Anon, I didn't mean to mess this up, I just wanted to make sure you were alright, now look at me."
>You feel really bad for her, and try your best to console her.
"Its alright Dash, you can't be so strong all the time. I'm here for you though."
>She looks back up at you with tears in her eyes.
>"You promise Anon? I don't want to lose you, ever."
"Of course Dash, why would I ever leave you? I'm apparently your best friend after all."
>She looks at you nervously, like she wants to say something but can't find the nerve to do it.
>>27643980
>It was your turn to offer her a reassuring smile.
"It's alright Dash, go ahead."
>"I've been meaning to say this for a while now, but I could never find the right time."
>"You said that what ever happens, no one will know about this, right?"
"This is just between us Dash, I swear I'll never tell anyone."
>"I,... I love you Anon."
>You're immediately stunned by this.
>"I don't know when it happened, but I really love you a lot. I just never told you because I was kind of scared, and I,.. I don't know what to do about it.
>You're even more stunned than you were before.
>What the hell do you say?
>Before you could even think about it, your mouth acted for you.
"I love you too Dash. I really do."
>Her face went from depressed to ecstatic in 0.00001 seconds.
>"Really Anon?"
>She has a huge smile on her face, and she sighs in relief.
>Instead of words, you just grab her, and hug her close.
>Just then, the clock on your wall chimed.
>The number of bongs told you it was twelve o'clock.
>She looks up at you with a smile.
>"Oh man, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to keep you up this late."
>You smile back at her.
"Hey Dash, you wanna spend the night? Kinda out cold to leave now."
>"You sure? I don't mind flying back home."
"Yea, it be nice to have you around. Might as well be lonely together, right?"
>Wow, Rainbow Dash actually has a thing for you.
>The fastest, awesomest pony in Equestria likes you, for some unknown reason.
>Even though you still don't know how you really feel about all this, all that matters for now is making her feel better.
>You spend the rest of the night trying to make her happy, talking about your lives, herself, other ponies, herself, life back on earth, herself.....
>You told her more then you ever told any other pony.
>That night was special to you, its like you go to know her better than any pony else.
>With out you even noticing, it got late, and both of you were tired.
>>27643984
>You lead her up to the top level of your house, ending up in your bedroom.
"So I only have one bed, that's OK right?"
>"Yea, that's fine. So uh, I was just wondering, maybe if you wanted to...."
"What's up Dash?"
>"Would you like t-to, you know, cuddle with me?"
>You raise an eyebrow at her request.
>"Just to, you know, conserve heat and all. It's fine if you don't thou-"
"I'd love that!"
>"Whoa, really?"
>The both of you climb into your bed, with Dash right up next to you.
>She's so warm, and her fuzzy coat is so soft. You can't help but stroke her mane.
>"Thanks Anon, this is kinda awesome."
"Yea, yes it is."
FIN
I apologize for the extreme sappyness of the fic, but thats the only kind of writing im semi-decent at. Im really nervous about Dash being OOC in any of my fics, so especially lemme know if she seems like it in this one.
>>27643996
This is pretty good, man. Even though it's only five posts, it feels pretty whole for what you've done. You have Rainbow doing an action that's somewhat out of character - leaving a party to see one person - but back it up with a realistic motive - being in love - that's not revealed until midway through.
>I apologize for the extreme sappyness of the fic
That's okay, because you can get away with it. All you have to do is let the reader know that you both understand what you're writing is sappy. A good way to do that is have a character comment on the situation. You have Dash as a prime candidate. Rainbow dislikes "mushy" stuff, and probably thinks that sharing emotions would break her "awesome" image. You don't have to bring a ton of attention to it, just a little dialogue would do just fine.
Another thing I would suggest is making some very slight alterations to Anon's behavior. It's not so much what he does as how he does it. Anon loves Rainbow, he confesses that, but I wouldn't have been able to see that in his actions. Right at the beginning, he lets Rainbow in, but it seems like he does so because it's freezing and it's common courtesy, not because he wants to be near the pony he loves. You don't have to change the plot. You just have to reword some things.
With the story bringing more substance, we can start looking at little details that really bring characters to life.
>>27644209
Those are some great idea, I didn't even think about that. I just got done adding in a few more lines to cover that, so that should be fixed now. Sort of not related but kind of related question, when do you guys usually post your greens you've written? I usually find that if I post it late at night, I don't get as many people seeing it. Does it really even matter?
>>27644259
Usually as soon as I write it. If it's a long one that takes multiple sittings, it's the same deal. I plan my stories, but I don't ever write a chunk and sit on it unless I'm on a roll and don't want to lose my mojo.
Got a question. Little Guy, WAY back, you critiqued one of my stories, and mentioned the fallacy of imitative form. Is it still the same thing if it's pointed out by a character observation as a result of perspective change? Like, they get hit with the awful news, and now they think the skies aren't so bright anymore. Or they start to notice all the sad songs on the radio that normally didn't register a response from them.
>>27645164
I don't believe it would be called that, and it wouldn't be quite as cliche, but it's still kind of risky, in the same way that making a character deliberately annoying is risky. If the observations that are made are too on-the-nose, it'll look like you're trying too hard to explain the emotions to the readers.
>>27643769
The story bible idea sounds pretty good. I think I'll get a start on that. I had a feeling not planning wasn't going to work forever. Thanks for the advice!
>>27643721
In the case that I mentioned (and one other, I believe) it's just wrong. The present continuous should describe an action that's currently happening, a desire to have something isn't exactly an action, more like a state of being, hence the simple present.
If I'm not making any sense, I suggest looking up the rules, I find I'm having a hard time getting them across.
>>27645909
Got it
