I'm 18 and have really been getting into writing the past few years, I really want to become an author and was just wondering what you guys thought of the first paragraph of the first chapter in my first book. I have written 2 chapters out of a possible 11 for the book, each chapter will have around 6000-8000 words and will consist of various different parts. For instance the first part is called "The Email" however that isn't the chapters name.
Listen its decent but there is a lot of awkwardness in just the two first paragraphs that will get you fisted by some /lit/ members.
I don't know context of the whole book, but unless the repetition is intentional, its not needed.
Second sentence you see her mother say she is going to be late for college.
Then college is referenced 1/4 of the way into the whole excerpt.
Then college is referenced again at the end.
Just reference college once. I don't know if that bugs other people but it really bugged me.
Either have the mom say, "Your going to be late for college!" (which, why would the mom have to specifically reference where she is going, shouldn't the main character know?) Then after the mom referenced going to college, don't say "she was trying to find everything she needed for college." just say, "she was trying to find everything she needed." nobody needs to be reminded she is going to college.
and then at the end you reference college a third time, as if the reader is so stupid that they forgot she was going to college.
Alternatively, you don't reference college till the end to create a mystery in the beginning as to draw readers in.
Mom says, "Your going to be late", she flies around the room trying to find everything she needs, we get the shoe reference so we know she isn't in high school, and then at the very end "she knew she couldn't; or she would be late for college", so then we know now she is in college, and it sets up the next paragraph.
Listen dude, I'm not gonna be here for 6000-8000 words for each chapter, and if your making mistakes like this 2 paragraphs in, I seriously question your writing skill.
It's not very good. Several misuses of punctuation. The observations of the scene seem very forced; it's not set up very well. I agree with the poster above too. The repetition made it obnoxious.
I really fucking hope this is a troll, this is fucking terrible. I'm glad someone already seems to have replied and explained to you why it's terrible, but I wanted to just say straight up that this is awful before I read the reply just in case this is bait.
>>8232671
>starting a book with a character waking up is largely considered a no-no and will be instantly trashed by most agents
>no paragraphs
>"no one had ever heard of on" - don't end sentences with prepositions
>like a smog, like a tornado: poor metaphors
>I mean, the story only begins to get interesting at "For your eyes only," so why do you have all this waffling boring stuff before it?
>"Her pupils widened at the sight..." why would this have such an effect on her if she doesn't know what it's about
To be honest, this is pretty bad, but that was completely to be expected since you're 18....
do you have influences, anon? what are your favorite books?
keep writing though, but I think you need to read much, much more
