If this is something /lit/ does I'd like to have this story critiqued, and maybe I could critique others.
page 2
>the lot
What lot? A parking lot?
like the lot of them. Is that an antiquated expression or just stupid shit?
>>8208497
like the lot of them. Is that an antiquated expression or just stupid shit?
>>8208491
It's pretty bad, anon: attention to sentence structure is nonexistent; it's riddled with redundancies, like "The walls stay shut for months on end, opening sporadically and offering a view of endless tundra. The walls themselves are covered with black mold and rise high enough to block the rising sun" and "They are in great shape, while I, small in stature and thin as a frame, grow only dimmer as the days roll in, the days roll on, and the days roll by," the latter being, because of how awfully it was executed, particularly offensive; and your diction is unbearably uninspired.
>>8208560
So the first example of redundancies I'm having a hard time grasping. Are you talking about the phrase, "The walls" or something else?
and further explanation as to why the latter was awfully executed.
I know it's not the best but I've been out of the loop with writing for such a long time and have been wanting to get back into it. Anyways,
Usually finding her sleeping on her side of the bed, tonight Mae sought refuge underneath the kitchen table, an arm stretched out like a bowman depicted in astronomy- with the exception of it being less graceful for the whiskey bottle held in her other hand. I'd be lying to say that I haven't caught her like this before or that I'm surprised that she's sleeping in places other than her bed- excuse me, our bed, but with midnight a few skips away I can't help but to worry.
Slipping myself down beside her I brush a hand in her hair until goosebumps take form. Being this close I can hear the strange stirrings that lingers on her breath. Sometimes I hear words and phrases that remind me of our old rendezvous, other times I hear names from friends new and old. As of late however the only name that clouded her dreams was of mine, which she repeated until her voice cracked like thin ice, then dwindled down into a soft whine.
After six months of my departure from the living I would've hoped that by now she would've sought companionship and gotten some type of closure but even Equinox's visits became less frequent and the man she has been seeing as of late, Boris, has a ghost trailing behind him as well. When the two meet their conversations always start jubilant enough to find entertaining but end sour, they usually brooding over their lost loved ones; Me and whom I've learned to know as Rosalia.
From what I have gathered from Mae's and Boris's chats Boris had married her when the two had barely entered adulthood, the thrill and excitement of being in a gang proved to be too strong for him to ignore and despite his wife's failing health Boris continued down his narrow spiral of sex and drugs until finally it was too late to save her. Sometime later he had cleaned himself up and now plays doctor while he drinks himself away with Mae and downs his daily pills of whatever concoction that'll be enough to get him buzzed for the day. I've shown enough disdain towards him to get Rosalia to silently threaten me with a glare a few times but nothing ever happens out of it. Even if we were alive I doubt she would've done anything as when I glare back she turns away like a dog with its tail tucked between it's legs and usually dissipates to whichever corner of the room she thinks I wouldn't be occupying. Occasionally we'll play cards together. I win more than lose but she takes it gracefully and when her companion leaves so does she without missing a step. Despite the two of us never exchanging a word to one another there's a silent respect between us and I find her visits a nice change of pace usually. Tonight however, was not one of those visits.
(1/??)
lot of rambling going on here and the story's not very interesting, but that's not important; what's important is how you're doing. no one should have to be alone for this long. you should get involved in your local community. book clubs, local politics, weekly card game tournaments, it doesn't matter; i guarantee once you've acclimated to being around people again you'll feel a lot better!
>>8208579
I had saw her before I heard the knock on the door and by her face alone I could tell that this would not be a pleasant visit for either parties. Perching herself against the kitchen cabinets she lightly taps against the wood to grab my attention and meets me with an expression of apprehension, which I tilt my head to the side in response. This wouldn't have been the first time she has entered without her companion but if coincidence proved correct he was close behind, and more often than not on these blue moons he was pissed. A heavy bang that quaked the door proved my assumption right.
“Mae! Mae, Ve got business!”
His accent was so distinct that you had to have been deaf to mistake him for someone else.
“Mae!” he continued to call but soon fell silent. Thinking that he may have decided to leave until she was awake I exhaled deeply in relief only to flinch back up upon hearing the rattle of keys from the other side of the door. With a click the large Russian man had let himself in, as well as the stench of cheap liquor- if I had to guess it'd be Hennessy.
Although dead the only real sense you lose is touch and even then it's only lost about half way. I can still feel the softness of Mae's hair and the gentle breeze that flows through the kitchen window. I can feel the sunshine on my skin and I can feel my face flush when Mae gets undressed. I feel her heartbeat when she sleeps and I touch her tears when she cries. Only thing is, is that she cannot feel me back, at least not in the way that I would've wanted it. Instead of feeling my caresses all she experiences when I graze her skin is a cold wind- if I'm lucky that day. I do not have any control in the land of the living anymore and even when I do manage to stroke her the action is usually too taxing for me to wake the day after. One time however I did spy Rosalia stacking the loose change on her nightstand when my birthday came around, which I graciously thanked her for. When I threw her a look to ask her how she was able to move the coins she silently mouthed the word 'time', or at least that's what I was able to pick up. To this day I still have no idea what she could have meant with the phrase 'time'.
(2/??)
>>8208582
lol are you talking to me?
>>8208583
Even in the dim lighting there was no mistaking that Boris was at least tipsy, but despite this an air of sobriety ghosted his movements. There were no dragging of feet on the floor nor an unsteadiness in his walking yet his breath wreaked with the scent of alcohol. I'm not sure if ghosts can get drunk for never have trying it but after some forethought if I were to inhale enough of his stench I'm sure I could've gotten buzzed- at least.
Mae seemed to have woken up but remained on the floor. Boris called once more from the door frame as I tried to nudge her up.
“Mae. Mae ve need to go.”
“Go? Go where? Th' only place I'm going is back to bed and you.” she held up a finger vindictively at Boris, her voice groggy and sounding burnt out from the alcohol she ingested the night before.
“You can go to hell.”
Sighing he pulls the chairs away from the table and hooks Mae by her ankle, tugging her body ungracefully into the dim lighting of the room with much protest from her and within a flash she lands a kick to the Russian's face. Normally finding these types of shenanigans of theirs entertaining both moods were clouded with their own sorrows and had no room to spare in the usual jokes. After noting Rosalia hiding her face in her hands it had became apparent that there were more serious matters for the two to attend to, and seeing how Boris hadn't reacted much to the blow only now was the somberness of the room addressed by me. Looking down at Mae it seemed that she too had also picked up on the room's atmosphere.
“Why're you here.”
“Ve need to go.”
“Where?”
“Come. Sit.”
(3/??)
>>8208589
Following his orders the two pull up a chair to the table. Mae fixes her bra strap as Boris lays the back of his palm to the table. “Let me see your arm.” Rolling her eyes she does as he says. It seemed by now Mae had grown accustomed to his check ups but I on the other hand find them intrusive every time. With each prod of a needle and poke with whatever instrument he feels is right at the time I can't help that my blood feels like its being boiled. When this had first began her face contorted uncomfortably under the cold metal he pressed against her skin but as time continued she had grown accustomed up until he had introduced the needles into play. Now that she has began to grow used to the needles only time could tell what the next step would be. I remember that the first night that this began I had gotten so mad I slammed a door shut. Both had simply blinked at one another and continued with the examination but I on the other hand had passed out right there on the spot. I don't think I woke up until the week after and since then I hadn't been able to repeat it. Now Rosalia tries to distract me from it by playing cards in the next room over but tonight she hadn't offered.
He checked her blood pressure, then her heart rate, respiration, and temperature. He stated all were normal yet still diligently wrote each bit of information down as he always did. I found it thoughtful at first that he had a notebook just for Mae and her health records up until I had read them when he left a page open while he was passed out.
He had been experimenting on her.
(4/??)
>>8208593
By now I'm sure she had became aware to this all, and despite him explaining that this was all to cure the chronic illness she had been diagnosed with as a child all seemed too planned- too formatted. Mae was known to be cautious, yet with my absence ensuing I feel that she had lost her touch with herself and that careful intuition that kept her alive many times before. Each time the process goes by very quickly, as if to stop her from having second thoughts on it all. The needle with the clear fluid goes in her right arm first and as soon as the fluids make contact with her the needle is replaced with a slightly larger one with similar looking contents. Once it has been emptied into her bloodstream Boris repeats the check up process to note any instantaneous changes. According to the page I had read there were names of chemicals and illnesses that he was exposing her to that he hadn't exactly discussed with her, or at least not in my presence. Each page containing information as meticulous as the next it seemed that he wasn't trying to harm her, yet the whole process felt vile. I felt aware that she knew yet with no ambitions or goals to look forward to I could sympathize why she hadn't tried to ward him off of his examinations and all. Still, that man made me quiver in rage each time he had came around.
(5/5)
And that's all I got. It's rougher than sandpaper and I'm not sure if I'll finish it but it's the first thing that I've actually spent time on in a while. I'm sure it's pretty obvious but I only write out of hobby. Still, any advice would be appreciated.
>>8208491
Only read the first sentence, and i'm disinterested. I can tell the rest will be a prose wank fest, no thanks. The best writing is the least writing.
it seems pretty pointless but not in a way that heightens the isolation. he starts by talking about how smart he is and then ends by talking about seeing birds. his isolation, intelligence, and insight are not apparent at any point in the text. it reads like someone trying to write like someone in these conditions without actually feeling it -- they don't read like the thoughts of someone developed in this environment over time. it is a rush to get information out in order to meet some quota.
also how is he writing? maybe that's the biggest tell of them all.
>>8208491
this is objectively awful.
I'm pretty sure my 9th grade brother could shit out something more coherent than this in just a few hours
Beginnings of a short story
https://docs.google.com/document/d/18hcQTjqLlelQwj89kcGuWFyLHW0_mxiKnRGaXaza9KI/edit?usp=sharing
>>8208491
I feel like you tried too hard to be stylistic. Often times, simplicity and clarity does a lot more good. Remember that it's almost always better to convey a complicated idea concisely, than to convey a simple idea complexly.
Is english not your first language m8?
I'm half expecting this to end in bel air
>>8208651
I think it's pretty cute, although the name could use some work.
>>8208491
Truly awful work, anon.
This is just you beating off on the page, oh look how smart and tortured you are, right?
Come up with a story and tell me something interesting.
>>8208675
Which name? Both? Also thanks :>
>>8208700
I was referring to the "The bees whispered Irony". I thought the character names were simple, but in a good way. Nothing too over the top yet unique in their own way. No problem, I'm curious on what you write next.
>>8208709
Oh yeah, the title was just something I threw together because you needed one to share a google document for some reason. As for what's next, this story is kind of just for me to practice and play around with dialogue for more complex and bigger stories, so it'll just be a fairly standard love story. I'll post it here again when it's finished. Thank you for taking an interest
http://pastebin.com/raw/XeHxDN3H
>>8208651
>the hush of the winds
>The smell of flora permeated the air as the bushes danced with pink petals and the bees sang of nature in a morse code of buzzes.
this doesn't mean anything so I stopped reading
>>8208728
noted, i'll try to fix the descriptions
I've made lots of minor edits in response to criticism. I'm also considering some major structural changes and cuts but I am not brave enough to make them yet.
>>8208772
Nice tight style, I guess.
I don't care about the story but I don't care about a lot don't take it personnel, kid, you just gotta wait until someone else responds
![Mug_of_Tea[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/R5Pt5Sf.jpg "Mug_of_Tea[1].jpg")
>>8208491
A quick re-write leaves me with:
"Nothing could have prepared me for the isolation of this place, layered as thick as the [ice] about us. Slowly it drains me of my will of and even my soul of purpose. I envy those of physical fortitude, and would gladly trade my misery for their crudeness. They claim torture by the endless, indistinguishable rolling of days as well, yet they maintain their tall and muscled bodies while I, as thin as a frame, grow only dimmer."
Mostly I removed things, changed it about. You don't need tow rite explicitly "I always smarter", the rest clearly relays that. I try to condense it, hence the rolling of days in the middle instead of in the end, where I thought it fit less, and it helped to explain earlier while it was a shame to leave it for the end. Then I remove some things, because I like to let the readers imaginations work. Thus he's only thin as a frame and not small in stature.
I honestly don't understand some parts. He thinks he has will over muscle, but would like to trade for muscle, because the muscled have more will? That's how I understand it and it confuses me. It says they suffer extreme mental abuse, but maintain, but just before it says it washes over their bodies. Or was that physical hardships?
![635836730017040894860473590_tea[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/BVstdwf.jpg "635836730017040894860473590_tea[1].jpg")
>>8208799
Already I see that I would probably rather have it "Slowly it drains THE will and even the soul of purpose." Maybe even "I envy the physically fortuitous..." Oh well.
>>8208772
I only make the second post to respond to this: don't ever let what you've written restrain you. Don't let the wall of text block you out. Cut out the innards, chainsaw it to bits, do it. Fix it.
>>8208582
a LOT better :^)
>>8208772
whats up with all the blue? kind of distracting/pointless it seemed
>>8208947
Lots of blue wasn't intentional. I'll change some stuff so it isn't distracting.
>>8208799
>it drains me of my will and purpose
>yet i have the will and sense of purpose to write
you're still not fixing the fundamental problems of the piece
Go to the other critique thread, morons
>>8208491
Is it alright if you guys critique a premise? I havent started yet but am still deciding whether or not this is something to go for, especially since i dont have too much free time and am not too good at writing
Anyway, so the protagonist mysteriously starts receiving newspapers dated exactly 1 year from the current date, and i intend to portray him doing the various things one would do with such knowledge
>>8210228
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Early_Edition
>>8210061
So he seeks out a purpose in writing of his misery? Walling in his suffering might be seen as the total loss of will rather than willing to do something. You're boring.
>>8210239
lmao
nehgga i got broads in atlanta
There's a lot wrong with it, but you could probably shit out an average fantasy novel if you put the time in.
Anyway:
>Archaic, wordy and overly-formal style. Re-write it and take the stick out of your ass.
>Uses summary nearly throughout the entire thing (people want to be told stories as they are happening)
>Dense paragraphs where too much happens and not enough coherence between the senetences in them (people skip quickly between sentences and you should focus on only one or two things per paragraph)
>Riddled with cliche
>Too inward focusing -- this reads a bit like a diary (possible intentionally but it doesn't work well). I don't really give a fuck what your character is thinking.
>No real story or characterisation (stories should have a character we are introduced to and should have a beginning, middle, and end and events that string them together coherently. Exposition and one thing happening does not make a story -- don't worry a lot of amateurs do this.)
My advise is to have a real plot in mind in the future so your writing will go somewhere. Cut out everything that is unnecessary. And then start reading some contemporary fiction and flush out all the cliche fantasy/early 20th century prose you've got stuck in you.
Also, get out of the habit of quickly writing a shitty draft and then showing that to people. It's not going to help you improve, it's just going to kill your confidence. You show people your work for a reason -- not because you're too lazy to finish it properly. If you know something is a piece of shit avoid showing it to others unless there's a specific reason for doing so. Make it not shit first.
>>8210239
This is a really good show, too.
>>8210564
A short poem
>>8208491
What the fuck is that second clause connected to? "I've always considered [...] that with gracious portions of knowledge comes willpower"? What the fuck does that even mean?
Don't begin sentences with coordinating conjunctions unless there's a reason/it makes sense.
>>8208511
I think it's britbong speak
Here's a tip: be creative. Each libe should be a swelling permutation of your first sentence. You guys always write too consciously, like it should be nothing like human thought pattern, but instead an artistic simulation of thought pattern. "I woke up and thought about x. It was y and im z." This is bad. Practice with nonsense first. Learn the sentence first. Use non sequiturs. Worry about development later. You're too used to internet exchanges. Start from scratch.
what happened to Alaska guy
Is this worthwhile?
>>8210466
you're trying to supply something the writing itself lacks
>>8210933
>Inspector
>FBI
No.
>>8210567
I dont recognize this but i will say it is certifiably shitty. Read more Yeats.
>>8210933
>oblivion, sausage grinder, acculturation
Your writing is masturbatory and overly self-aware, leading you to confused metaphors like this one. What's up with bevilacqua, you just mangled a name from a ya novel. Still, i like that you don't seem to take yourself too seriously.
http://pastebin.com/sX9pFNM3
>>8211137
First paragraph's a bit awkward. "For two months now..." especially. You said the name of a place I don't know, then didn't describe it physically. Seems like English wasn't your first language.
Featured scenes of joyous occasions, not literal joyous occasions.
Tense... you put " around committed but not crimes...
A lot of small things like that. Overall I don't really care about the characters but it may make sense given the context. I liked the direction it took at the end.
>>8210933
I love this style. The stacks of pretentious descriptors near the beginning made it seem dense, but the action moved quickly. It seems You're much better than I am so I don't really know what feedback you're looking for.
>>8208722
Can someone crit this?
>>8211208
>First paragraph's a bit awkward. "For two months now..." especially. You said the name of a place I don't know, then didn't describe it physically. Seems like English wasn't your first language.
I wanted to show how she's in a different city than the one she knew and possibly grew up in. Was it wrong for me to do that? Wouldn't one be shock to see the city they knew change so radically? And English is not my first language so excuse my poor grasp of the English language
>Featured scenes of joyous occasions, not literal joyous occasions.
I got nothing on this, Sorry?
>Tense... you put " around committed but not crimes...
She thinks the crimes they committed were fabricated, and so she thinks its not real, therefore the "
>A lot of small things like that. Overall I don't really care about the characters but it may make sense given the context.
it does make sense
>I liked the direction it took at the end.
Can you explain further?
>>8208596
If you take everything you wrote and put it on one page, more people would read it
Put it on a tumblr and link to it if you're really lazy and/or incompetent like me
>>8208722
>>8211227
Can do
The first sentence is awkward, but its also attention grabbing in a weird way, so I don't know whether or not you should change it
You need to vary up sentence length more. Having five or six sentences in a row that are all the same length feels repetitive and weird a lot of the time. And I'm aware that there are exceptions and that there are well regarded authors who can pull that off, but as a beginnig/amateur writer you should to vary up sentence length
You also need to vary up sentence structure. 90% of the sentences you write as NOUN VERB BLAHBLAH. "He was wearing..." "It was celebration...." "Ash fragments were..." "He flung his..." "They reminded him..." And there's nothing wrong with using this kind of sentence structure, or even using it a lot, but you're just using it too much
The repetitive sentence structure and length makes it feel flat. The second paragraph is the most obvious example of this.
That being said, for some parts of this you did vary up structures and length. It's not like the whole thing is flat
Some of the metaphors don't exactly work. "He grabbed the idea without thinking, like a child takes their mother's hand" feels awkward. I get what you're trying to communicate, but it just feels off
Over all its not bad, but it does need some work
Keep it up!
>>8208491
You should always read your writing aloud. If you think to yourself, "wow, I sound like a total fag", then you should re-write it.
Then again, this requires a level of social awareness that few people on this board have. What I'm trying to say is, use your own voice, don't invent one.
>>8210239
GOD DAMMIT
Please critique:
Brexit
Breakfast, breast, tit, Brexit.
We’d almost roll off the tongue
if not for the ex in the middle.
The pendulum swings left to right
And back, drawing your curves
In vicious inertia.
A pan-European project to address
Technocratic anemia: ecological
Catastrophes and economic imbalances,
Spotlighted by iPhone notifications
Of myopic outrage, beside your
Scandinavian bed made of crepe paper
by migrants to mimic
A heavenly cloud.
>>8211593
political poems used to be so popular back in the day. It's refreshing to see I suppose, but I'm a bit of a nationalist so I don't like the tone. Also, is a Scandinavian bed made of crepe paper an actual thing or an attempt at describing some ridiculous trend?
Also, vernandsisters.com/dogboys
>>8208497
THEY PAVED PARADISE
>>8211625
Thanks for reading. A girl I'm seeing bought an IKEA bed last week that looked amazing in photos. Turns out it's made of the lowest quality stuff/feels like you're sleeping on crepe paper (I'm not very imaginative).
>>8211070
>you just mangled a name from a ya novel
what does this mean
Would anyone mind giving this a read?
>>8208567
not him, but something can't stay shut for months on end, and also open sporadically
honestly i cant write for shit and im not him but thats probably what he was talking about
>>8208722
>He woke up early the next morning.
i immediately quit reading.
>>8208491
your opening sentence abruptly ends and you begin the next sentence with "And"; for the most part your sentences are generally abrupt thoughts but there's some coherence that shows if you keep trying you might make it.
>>8208772
remove any references to authors or else you're screaming to everyone that you're important and need to be noticed. you're like a shitty blend of mccarthy and english translations of murakami
>>8211137
Anymore Critique
>>8210941
>everything must be spelled out for me
I didn't interpret it as a by-the-book movie script. I infer things that are implied by his actions. He's isolated, he's suffering, he's writing. If you actually then write out "THAT'S WHY I AM WRITING, SEE, I AM ISOLATED AND SUFFERING SO I WRITE TO ESCAPE OR WALLOW IN IT."
Do you also write "He took the sword in his right hand and opened the door with his left, then he stepped over the threshold and moved out into the chaos"? No? Then don't an idiot.
>what is not even iceberg but it's a thing that exists
>>8208491
God damn is this autistic.
>>8211714
fun read
i'm writing poems now apparently which feels pretty pleb but whatever
>>8210933
Are you non-native? Words as sausage grinder and acculturation are strange, rather use something as appropriation or idk.
Could someone please whip up an existentialist poem or play about the destruction of the Library of Alexandria.
HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF?
As a compact mirror, buoyant at sea
A bespectacled rat snuffling and anxious
I believe the culture machine when it tells me to hate myself
I am a cuntified and frustrated masculoid
Looking for a hole to fuck and momentarily re-invert myself into an ecstatic, soaring arrow
An arc of jizzom directing its weaponized trajectory to my virgin shoulders
devoid of the manly reassurance required to deflower them
My stretch marks feel like an amputee's stump
And today fresh hate-food chemically coagulates
into jiggling gangrene stitched to my stomach walls
Hi! my body is hell and I tear at the padded walls till my nail sockets bleed
Because I don't eat to live, I eat to die
Skipping lunch while my growth plates were open like a wound!
Never partook in steroid usage or did varsity sports as bodily penance!
Regret regret regret!
Yet vanity has my name spelled out like a birthday cake
and I will give anything to savor a morsel of this homoerotic narcotic narcissism
I am petite and versatile like HIV
I am malnourished and brainwashed like a conscript from Kaesong
I will tie this noose with the curve on my growth chart
I only want to ride the eternal phallic horse
(I know this is really shitty cause it's my first attempt at poetry, I'd really like to know if anything is salvageable and/or what I should improve on)
>>8212283
Nah I'm not. I just wanted a weird metaphor to talk about how different groups are assimilated into the grander American identity. Part of the book deals with ethnicity, and how different ethnic groups fail or succeed to fit into the American cultural landscape.
I keep getting mail for the guy who used to live in my apartment, including postcards from some girl he was apparently banging before he went to Afghanistan. Today I got one with the return address on it, so I thought I might send off a reply:
http://pastebin.com/6NUQFjpn
>>8211714
It works as a good thing on its own but I feel like the rest of the story is going to annoy me.
The prose is generally solid and entertaining but if you keep reading and writing there's room for improvement.
>>8212528
Cool ideas, cool imagery. Sounds like a pissed off marxist in a good way. Rhythm needs work, but if your new to poetry this is normal. just keep writing and read it out loud. It should read easy and fluid (unless you're going for something on the contrary on purpose).
here's part of a short story i'm working on. have only written poetry before so trying it out.
I would have walked into the house but I was now a shepherd dog, committed to the flock and to the wielder of the staff. I knew my street dog days were done, so I sat on the curb and watched Rothko paint his rust and blue in the sky and I felt good and glad that I had not walked into the house for an innocent family of seven could live there now. On the curb with my tail between my legs, I thought. When a man becomes old he goes back to being a child, but never back to being a young man. At seventeen I would walk the streets of Panama in search of women who drank and ate ambrosia. I preferred older women because they had no ideals and only cared about money and I on the other hand had only ideals and little money. Now married with children and forty-two years old the young man is gone.
“Materialism! Materialism Renounce materialism!” Says the youth, and even said I in my younger days. But how easy it is to reject the knowledge of the fathers when it has just been discovered? When one is a child he only sees or cares for the material, feeling uneasy whenever he is left with nothing, but as the child grows older he realizes that the material is superficial, and that there must be a deeper meaning to the world. The young man then turns his vision away from the world, and unto himself. Once inside he sees hundreds of thousands of crystals reflecting a vase. The scattered images show him that there is something, but the location of the vase is unknown to him, and will always be. And how bitterness overtakes the young man when he realizes that mortals only ever get a glimpse and never a taste! Alas, this is how I have come to exist. In in my first year of college the mind was the only weapon I had so I sharpened it against anything I could find; Christianity, positivism, I clashed against it all. I devoured texts and studied and made money tutoring the children of the high class. Money was okay, but most of it would be put back into the Panamanian economy, strengthening the nightlife industry and keeping the price of booze down for all. And how I pondered, coming close to feeling ennui.
>>8212913
I really like your prose because it captures the concurrent nature of past and present when in that state of reverie and reflecting i.e. that cozy line about Rothko and the imagery of the narrator's tail between his legs is just so perfect, in addition to seamless transition between these trains of thought. I also thought the vase metaphor was pleasing and tidy and I loved it. Would love to read the rest of your story, anon
I got tired of reading light novels so I decided I wanted to write one.
Roast this shit. Excuse the weeaboo terms, there's no pure english equivalent for them as far as I'm aware.
Here's mine. Literally just thought it up so no bully pls:
Each morning he subjected himself to the mirror's ritual humiliation: he tramped in to the cool quiet of the bathroom with eye averted, unwilling to look at himself. When he eventually did, he invariably groaned- purple pustules tribal tattooed themselves across his face; juicy zits and lovely throbbing white cysts fought for space with a patchwork of lumps, bumps and great pussing yellowheads. For half an hour he would savage himself with filthy fingernails.
The worst offenders (those grinning pink pumpkins; those eggflowers blooming across a crinkled forehead) he milked in the coldly frenetic manner of a surgeon- the seething, bubbling mass that had not yet broken the surface of his skin he left with a hateful glare.
He had struggle with his skin problems for years, had tried every ointment and pill the increasingly weary doctors could foist upon him but, as if in sniggering revenge, his face had responded with milky blinders and a face so oily and toxic he sometimes awoke from his bleached pillow to find the yellowish outline of his features screaming soundlessly back at him.
>>8213823
I'm eating bitch
This is just a first draft at the moment, but I'd really appreciate a critique.
>I always considered myself smarter than the lot.
LOL
>>8214335
Well, the prose is lovely, very descriptive and fluid. But I'd say the characters you're setting up are incredibly annoying. I don't really want to know anything more about this kid or his family; their conflict is cliched, the son's "I'm so lost" is just begging for a boring magical adventure where he discovers how to pull his head out of his ass, his father and mother are both stereotypes, and uh, yeah. I don't like them at all. If this was the point of the work, carry on, but otherwise, there really needs to be some more development on the instigating motivations in the story.
Anyway, here's the first page of my incredibly boring, cliched, weird fantasy myth about ethics with characters you can't help but find utterly boring. :^)
>>8214696
and here's the second page. I'll post more if anyone wants.
Also, text form of the creation myth:
y e l n created the world, and so man asked him if they have a purpose
y e l n replies simply
no
>>8208491
i have no mouth and i must scream xD
>>8214801
INTELLECTUAL INTELLIGENCE
>>8212026
it's not that it should be 'spelled out' but you're looking to explain something in the text that there is very little actual evidence for. this doesn't make the text ambiguous and good -- it just says the writer is not very good at logically developing a text or writing out actual human thought processes in a way that is consistent
he seems to have some sort of explanation for all his other actions and experiences but, despite being smarter than the lot, his overanalysis doesn't extend to the realisation that writing gives him a purpose he otherwise lacks? no, that isn't convincing writing at all
>>8214335
It's just a bit shit, nothing terribly wrong with; it's just what I'd imagine would splat onto the page if I were to prod any not wholly incompetent young person, with an interest in writing, firmly in the belly. No one would ever really want to read it but that don't mean stop tryin'
>>8208491
Rate me on a scale of 1-10
1 being Keep your day job
10 being Quit and devote your life to writing
Nikolai got up at the usual 8 AM on Sunday. It was a cold morning and even colder because he lived in the basement. The bedroom he occupied used to be a guest room but was claimed by him after he graduated High School. This was a constant reminder of how he failed to get accepted into any college he applied to. After getting up and turning off the alarm clock, he let out a deep sigh, patted his little white dog who happened to be sleeping on his bed, and headed upstairs. No one besides him was awake at that time as his family was not religious. He made sure to be quiet while making eggs and toast. After the food was done, he sat down and read the news on his phone and ate.
The biggest news on the CNN app was Britain leaving the EU and the gay pride parade that the liberal presidential happened to be attending in New York City. “What a pandering bitch” he thought after seeing the picture of her fake smile as she was listening to some fag in a dog suit. The picture made him bring back memories of the video he saw the other night on the internet. A bunch of weird kids with queer hairstyles talking about gender. It annoyed Nikolai that this was now mainstream. He sighed, got up, pushed the chair in, and went back downstairs to take a shower. After the shower, he got on his uniform, and headed out for work.
Nikolai worked at City Centre Coffee, a overpriced coffee shop in Downtown Baltimore where liberals liked to hang out. He got out of the car and walked toward the store. As he did this, he was suspiciously surveying the parking lot. Luckily, the store owner wasn’t there that morning. “Probably at church” Nikolai thought as he walked through the door. “Whatsup bro?!” Adam said as Nikolai walked in. This was Nikolai’s co-worker, who was unusually awake this morning. “Hey, How’s it going” Nikolai said back to him. Adam, not being there longer but being older than Nikolai, told him to go take out last night's trash as no one did it last night. After taking out the trash, he walked back up the hill from where the dumpster was, got back inside, and clocked in as he forgot to before.
>>8215047
0, your prose is bland, filled with cliches and awkward sentences.
>>8215047
w e w -2
Rumble, scratch, shake, roll on again. Such a nice wagon. Its wheels are wooden and notched, and each notch, one after the other, grabs some ground and pushes the earth away. The ground, itself, is flat- trees are occasionally seen by this wagon's inhabitants, same with the odd rock and the fairly infrequent hill. Ahead is a cave-like structure, outlined with some makeshift scaffolding. And in the carriage are two men- one, a host, with a smiling face and a head donned with unkempt grey hair; another, a younger man, with patient eyes, a long face, and a dark brown, flowing head of hair.
>>8214696
>>8214712
Hey man, thanks for replying. The parents aren't really going to play a big role in the story beyond the first chapter; the story itself is this clearly sheltered, angsty kid is introduced to a workplace where his boss- at first friendly and cheerful- slowly descends into paranoia and obsession with the young female cleaner.
Should I alter the chapter entirely, remove the family element, and have the first chapter see him on his way to a job interview? What do you recommend?
As far as your work goes, it's really good. It feels quite Silmarillion-esque. I'd only say that, in context, the reader can better see the results of the actions in your two pages, but I'm unsure whether thay're part of a larger mythos or a standalone piece. Either way, pretty good.
>>8215047
Is the character supposed to be kind of a dick? If so, 6/10. If he's just a self-projection of your opinions, 3/10. Talking about "some fag in a dog suit" is interesting if the character is supposed to be bigoted, but boring and lame if it's just you , the author, taking a shot at gays.
>>8215628
Bump
>>8215047
I'm gonna point out some fairly obvious things here. First of all, starting with your main character waking up is cliché as all hell, and it's not even one of those clichés that are clichés because they work. It's not interesting at all that he wakes up, turns off his alarm clock, heads upstairs, and makes breakfast. It's *potentially* interesting that he sighs and that he pets his dog, 'cause at least that could tell us *something* about him, and his reactions to the news tells us a good deal, but it does paint him as kinda hard to like for a lot of your potential readers. If you're going for someone who's generally hostile, that's fine, but it's a pretty clunky way to introduce that. But at least you're showing it, instead of just telling us, which isn't the case for a good few other things. Instead of saying:
>No one besides him was awake at that time as his family was not religious. He made sure to be quiet while making eggs and toast.
You could just say something like:
>He made sure to be quiet while making eggs and toast, so he wouldn't wake up his family.
You've already established that it's early on a Sunday, so your readers will probably understand, and even if they don't you could show that his family isn't religious in some other way, if it's important.
Also your readers are probably aware of the stereotype that overpriced coffee shops are full of liberals, so there's no reason to flat-out tell us. If you wanted to, you could instead maybe add that this week's special offer was for, uh, Yirgacheffe organic Ethiopian coffee, or something, to make it really clear.
And I'm taking a lot of examples here, 'cause the point is that you're *telling* us way too much. I mean:
>told him to go take out last night's trash as no one did it last night
Of course nobody took out last night's trash, if last night's trash is still there!
So the basic tip is to read more, and notice that you learn things about characters/story/setting without them being flat-out said. And don't tell us boring things. You could've started the story with the main character showing up to work, and we wouldn't have lost much that you couldn't have told/shown us later.
>>8210933
lots of hyphens
>>8215628
>The parents aren't really going to play a big role in the story beyond the first chapter
thank god
>sheltered, angsty kid is introduced to a workplace where his boss- at first friendly and cheerful- slowly descends into paranoia and obsession with the young female cleaner.
Interesting. So it's a third-person view of an American Beauty type situation? That sounds way more interesting than this kid's internal conflict. Despite him being the main character, I'd actually put his journey of self discovery as a B-Plot to his horror/boner at his bosses' pedo tendencies.
Which brings us to…
>Should I alter the chapter entirely, remove the family element, and have the first chapter see him on his way to a job interview? What do you recommend?
I'd actually say yes, do that; as I said above, the interesting part you mention is his boss. This chapter would turn me off the book completely. You should always start your book with the core conflict as your focus, and from what you're saying, the core conflict of this story is definitely not between the kid and his dad.
As for your feedback:
>I'm unsure whether thay're part of a larger mythos or a standalone piece
It is, actually; I'm planning a "Book of Myths," which are essentially just sillier, more fun essays on Absurdism, Consequentialism, and a few other philosophies I'm interested in. Here, have another page.
>>8216831
Whoops, forgot to optimize my png. I've done it this time, though.
>>8214112
Does that mean it had an effect
>>8216831
>>8216939
I really appreciate the time and effort you've put into giving me advice. I wish I could give you as much, but in truth I've enjoyed reading the pages you've posted so far. You've clearly thought deeply about the mythos of these stories, and it shows. I'd buy it. Who have been your main influences?
I'll rewrite the chapter with him arriving at the job interview, and confronted with the boss. I have the idea, and I have certain scenes in my head planned out; it's just getting them on the page, in one flowing, engaging story. It is American Beauty-esque. One idea I toyed with was the whole story being told to a younger guy by someone else, in retrospect- kind of like Heart of Darkness. What do you think?
please critique this /lit/. i feel like i really hit something at some point here but i want to correct what i can't notice is wrong, ya know?
"im sorry, but i need to force your attention with some obscene garbage. i might explain later why. here it is. her head was split open from the center-top of her skull to the center-back. in an alleyway smelling of trash of course. the worst kind of place she would have wanted to die in. she was always an upstanding woman in society but she had never truly realized the effects of which she brought."
I feel like i could've done without the mediocre 4th wall breaking intro, but idk if im juding myself too harshly
>>8217066
>I really appreciate the time and effort you've put into giving me advice
No problem, m8. Nice dubs, too.
>Who have been your main influences?
Abbadon (author of KILL SIX BILLION DEMONS), and vaguely remembered Greek Mythology books I consumed like crazy when I was like 8. Can't remember what versions I read, but I really, really liked Greek Mythology as a kid. Also, read KSBD if you haven't and like this (especially the flavor text at the bottom of each page, he has a lot of cool stories there).
>'ll rewrite the chapter with him arriving at the job interview, and confronted with the boss.
Good idea!
>I have the idea, and I have certain scenes in my head planned out; it's just getting them on the page, in one flowing, engaging story.
Literally everyone has this problem; the solution is forcing it out and changing it later. Eventually you'll have to change it less than you did before to make it good.
>One idea I toyed with was the whole story being told to a younger guy by someone else, in retrospect- kind of like Heart of Darkness. What do you think?
I think it's a good idea if done right. Post-story narration can often kill tension (and therefore all conflict in your story) if there's violence involved, but it won't as much if a few things are done with it:
1. Narrator is ambiguous. If you don't know who is telling the story until the end/you never figure it out, you won't know which perspective it's being told through, and so there's still tension, because you don't know who's going to 'make it' to the end to tell this story.
2. Reveal is early in the story, and it's kept as part of it throughout. One thing I hate is when post-story narration is revealed only at the end, like a "and that's how the story went" in the last chapter. Enterprise (the Star Trek show) basically did this with its last episode. If it's played more like The Princess Bride (however much shit gets flung at this movie in /tv/ and here, its metastory was played right), where it's introduced first, and we have reminders of it in low-intensity parts (and to diffuse tension if things get TOO intense in the early story, like with the shrieking eels), you can develop a very nice meta-narrative.
Basically, yeah, that's a good idea, but you have to play your cards right.
>>8217100
>Orgasm lasts 1 googol plank times
>actually run the time conversion
>1 googol plank times is actually 43^39 kalpas
ahahhahahaha I fucked up
>>8217119
gentle 4th page bump
>>8217088
>"im sorry, but i need to force your attention with some obscene garbage. i might explain later why. here it is.
get rid of this. it serves no purpose.
>her head was split open from the center-top of her skull to the center-back.
why not just say "her head was split open down the middle"?
>in an alleyway smelling of trash of course.
why is this a new sentence? this could just be part of the previous sentence. no need to put "of course." especially because the double "of" sounds weird (smelling of, of course).
>the worst kind of place she would have wanted to die in.
this sentence is unnecessary, but you should say "the last place she would have wanted to die".
>she was always an upstanding woman in society but she had never truly realized the effects of which she brought."
i have no idea what you're trying to communicate with this sentence.
Anagurishima The Maximunous stared at himself in the mirror with his eyeballs almost falling from their pockets like a pitbull on cheap heroine. It was a pretty short introspective staring session as he quickly left the bathroom smelling of cigarettes and distilled shite. His back straight like he had the Eiffel Tower shoved up his arse, he walked across the hall forcing firmly each step.
“Twenty-seven, Twenty-eight... fuckin' hell I should seriously stop counting my steps; I’m most certainly not becoming blind anytime soon,” he continued his ‘private’ chit-chat, “what a fucking mong.”
>>8217803
no, you do not continue this
>Anagurishima The Maximunous
seriously?
>like a pitbull on cheap heroine.
Heroin. It's heroin, and this is a terrible sentence regardless. It's clumsy, ugly, and not very descriptive besides.
>forcing firmly each step
learn how to arrange adverbs you fucking retard
>counting steps, immediately connects it to being blind, and makes it out like it's supposed to be the 'humor' of this piece
please stop
>>8217866
SORRY ENGLAND ISN'T MY NATIVE LANGUAGE I WILL LEARN MORE THANK U FOR THE INPUT MISTER
>>8211137
>>8218134
Don't write in English unless it's your first language, in 99% of cases it makes your writing really awkward and odd. And I could give examples and you could fix the things I pointed out, but someone would have to do that for every single page, and by that point you might as well just hire a translator. Write in your native language.
its ok... meh could be better
Evening lads, here's what I have.
http://pastebin.com/fyHJ7gji
Let me know what you think.
I'll be revising later tonight based on some earlier advice.
>>8208491
This is so unoriginal it makes me gag. I wrote something exactly like it in my junior year of high school. I keep it just to remind myself how blind and arrogant I once was, and still am.
>>8208491
damn thanks reading this makes me feel a lot better about myself
>>8218165
>Don't write in English unless it's your first language.
Shit critique.
>>8218303
Writing in anything but your first language means you'll have a lot less of a feel for how things sound, in 99% of cases. If there's some special circumstances, sure, it might work, but otherwise you'll use words without knowing what their connotations are, and use weird sentence structures without thinking about it.
this was inspired by a poem called the groundhog, it kinda has nothing to do with it tho so it doesn't matter if you've read it. pls critique! i need a critique buddy :/ someone help me out. also sorry about the small font, i wanted it all to fit on one screenshot :3
>>8208491
good shit anon, I made you a cover
From the coffee table jozef saw his roommates arguing. They shrieked at each other the way pregnant cats did. He got up and walked towards the two. One of them was tall brown and angry, the other stood short, white and "curvy" as she referred to herself.
They went at each other trying to assert themselves. Jozef would have made an attempt to stop them but decided against. He knew that a few punches to the face would make both of them look a little less uglier. The cause of the cat-fight still eluded jozef. His stomach started joining the choir of growling and went to the freezer. He took out a Hot Pocket and put it into the used toaster oven he found abandoned on the side of the road. He opened the oven and a few cockroaches scurried out. Jozef didn't fear as he had already spread several kilograms of diatomaceous earth over the kitchen floor. It kept the kitchen free from insects and him from having to clean it. His plump female roommate had finally reached the top of the cabinet and took out an iron skillet. She tried chasing the tall one but her legs couldn't hold up her 'sexy curves' due to the sexist nature of the force of gravity. Allah and nature had once more saved the tall one from serious injury. Trained from a young age in Qatar, she knew how to deal with overweight predators. As he walked back to his hot pockets he noticed the oven was bare, emptier than the fat one's pantry.
Overcome by emotion Jozef let out a pure gutteral cry REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
pls r8
also which way is the coolest way to kill my self
Do you guys put any of your writing online? Where do you guys post the stories you write if you do?
>>8218528
post it on tumblr, they eat anything
>>8212913
>>8213471
thanks desu
it isn't done but here's what i got. criticism welcome.
The house outside where I sit used to be known as Olympus and any man worth his salt knew where and what it was. It was right in the heart of a middle class neighborhood known as San Patricio and orbiting it were hundreds of regular houses, all the same as the other, dipped in bright yellow paint with humble structures, where working families lived and prayed and went about their daily life. Olympus was larger than the rest of the houses around for it had undergone heavy remodeling to accommodate it as the cities most famous whore-house. Three people could walk in through the door horizontally so long they were petite feminine frames. The house had white ionic pillars, perfectly carved bones that held up the rest of the structure with ease. The house was painted a strong light blue and had a front lawn that put the others homes to shame. The two pillars in the front made the house look imposing, and the neon landscape that accompanied the green of the grass shone nonstop. Not even with their whimsical garden gnomes could the neighbors compete with the pastures of great Olympus, with its warm and often blurry “Bienvenido” sign.
As a young man often times did I surpass my limits, one time even getting kicked out like a lesser God from the house of Jove. That time I held one girl to my particular liking but did not have the money to take her upstairs to one of the private rooms, so I bought her a drink and began chatting her up to see if she liked me and would maybe let me score a freebie. Her real name was Kira (or so she said) and was Colombian (like all whores) and was only twenty and already had a daughter
>>8211764
I mean, the references weren't off-the-cuff and pointless, it's a student and a professor discussing their favorite authors and the student is openly (to the reader) a liar and possibly a pseudo-intellectual. It's not like I'm just namedropping authors here.
Yo. Trying to figure out how to continue this—I wanna eventually get into introducing a character out of this environment but I'm not sure how to transition.
http://pastebin.com/28TgF2T4
Excerpt from a short story I'm working on. Feedback would be appreciated, thanks.
I mention that, in my spare time, I do a number of things. having quite a bit of time to spare, I do quite a number of things - and here we have a rather specific one, an oldie but a goodie: in my spare time, I tear apart, analyze, datamine, and play, for the entertainment of others, video games. Now it is the first three things that are relevant here - although the bulk of the money comes from some other activities. In the course of my analysis over a number of games, including some older classics, I’ve determined a uniquely universal aspect to them. The Mario series is loved by many as one of the true canonical games, and I’m inclined to agree. Now, one of the more forgotten games in the series, released during an awkward time in this sphere, introduced a rather interesting mechanic. This mechanic allowed for wild change and play within the game’s engine. It became possible to skip whole sections of the game; to do parts with utmost efficiency - should one’s technical skill be high enough. Now, while none of this is really at all relevant to me, as I’ve never done any of that (this is really old, unremarkable stuff), the mechanic mentioned, is certainly relevant to me, as it is to all. The world this game featured, for the time, a number of remarkable things - enemies would scan the room for Mario, the method of player control, creating a rudimentary, early AI; timers and switches would be attached to his actions; the game world, essentially, was incredibly reactive to his actions. The mechanic of interest comes in here: If but a paper thin (measured in game as voxels; voxel thin) wall were to come between Mario and the other elements of the world, they would all stop. They’d stop dead in their tracks, motionless, waiting, stopped, midsection, for Mario to return to that part of the world; waiting for him to open the door, to come in, stopped forever if need be. This remarkable, self-centered, incredibly shallow seeming mechanic paints a perfect anti-picture of the scene you see when, rag in hand, squirt bottle in the other, you become immersed in the world beyond yourself. Your action, or inaction does not control the world but the world continues on, inside of yourself, totally regardless of yourself; everything simply continues.
>>8218676
Nice McCarthy - like prose.I'm definitely interested. The middle of the paragraph's flow could be worked on a bit, it's kind of start-stop, which is way different than the first sentence, which is great. I think having the description be about a place"outside where I sit" is kind of weird - is it outside, where he sits, or outside where he sits? Not bad necessarily. It could go somewhere.
>>8217345
another one
I'll post the rest of my pages
>>8219471
>>8219476
final page
>>8210933
Love this. Would read.
When I was young, I would never think that by the age of 23, and twenty three i was, i would be directing the opening play for the irish national theatre's season. TWENTY. TWENTY. THREE. Good ol me never wanted to be a writer or a director or an actor or a musician for the matter of fact, no, i wanted to be a psychologist, nice bloody joke that was, but however how ho i changed at the flick of a dime oh no daddy i want to be a writer, bloody well do what you like son, as long as you're happy. Tuckee tuckoo tuckaa tuckii jump from film to acting to directing to theatre to film directing to stage management to writing to theatre and all round comes around that's how the world goes i was half pissed at friends nanas place, nana was nice but didn't talk much, dementia and all, she was really pissed like pissed so much not standing knees weak arms heavy vomiting into the bowl apologising im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry dont bully me im sorry im sorry what hobbies do you have acting go to flinders i want to go to london and do acting i have it written down i want to go to glasgow thats close lets meet up.
>>8220283
>good ol me
stopped reading there
>>8220370
why?
>>8220283
2/?
shut up you only been to Scotland fuck off you sullen bitch you don’t know my travels. Click click tupe type type stare stare 33 thousand pounds 66 thousand dollars no siree too poor are mummy and daddy and grandmother is a vindictive bitch who is using all her capital so she has little to share oh woe ho me poor little boy cant study in London starving to death in a share house art for a living oh woe ho me no London arts degree for you poor boy cry cry cry cry settle for least best don’t get what you want directing then film then visual arts then art theory new materialism actor network agencys of artwork blah blah.
>>8220283
Go listen to Velvet Underground, you cuck.
>>8220414
wowe
>>8218326
Let me ask, just how many languages can you speak without hassle?
>>8220434
Two. Norwegian, which is my first language, and then English. And I can stutter out some basic Spanish, but that doesn't count for anything. I don't really see how my language skills are relevant, though.
I wrote this for the travel thread, but it fell off over night. So dammit if it's not going somewhere.
I've been trying to write frequently and consistently under different styles or genres or whatever. I try and do a one shot, page long type piece every other day just to keep it up often. Why not chuck it out for some criticism?
