Dude living was never for me, I literally feel sometimes that I am living purely out of spite for the universe, and that ever action is a sort of ironic defiance to sort of say fuck you to the universe. But you know how that leaves me feeling? It leaves me feeling incredibly scared when I have to be around people like when I was walking around outside yesterday, because you know why? When you have these sorts of thoughts in your head, it sort of makes you feel guilty. I feel afraid of when people look at me because I'm afraid that they'll figure out sooner or later that I'm just a fake husk of a human being and they would probably hate me for it anyways. Idk if that's because it's incredibly difficult to really communicate with people, like you know how when a person actually understands you, you can feel like the understand you even though you may not even be making sense to yourself, but they understand you because they understand your idiosyncrasies? Yeah you're not going to find people like that very much in the world, and yeah I know that my fear is irrational, but really I sort of dread interacting with other people for that reason, it's sort of like I have this deep, burning pessimism of other people and it never goes away and it really does feel like just about everything gives me an existential nightmare. The deep crushing pointlessness of existence is, I believe, not something that an animal mind was ever prepared to take on, it's nothing that I can overcome with even the heaviest of philosophical musing. It simply will not fucking go away, the pointlessness of absolutely everything, the deep burning pessimism, and it makes me fucking angry.
Epic yarn, Kirby.
I was walking around outside for a couple hours though, idk who I'm supposed to talk to. I don't know what to do for a job and no one is helping me, I can't stand doing school because it's too stressful and boring and I can barely function well enough to sit through class and get assignments done, because I just don't have the will power to do stuff that I feel is totally pointless and boring. I feel like the only way that I will get to have some friends is if I get a job, but I've had two part time jobs before, they were terrible and I am not looking forward to my next one. I don't know how getting a job is supposed to set me up with social connections.
I wonder what my life would be like without the internet. I wonder if I would have found a bunch of weird loner outsider guys and girls like myself who just live on the edge of society, maybe we would be making artwork with each other, or maybe I would be the same person that I am today except without the internet, doing some hobby like drawing and reading books and listening to my minuscule collection of music that I bought. I don't know, I just wish that there was some element of adventure in my life. It feels like you really don't get any options besides a beaten path, there hardly seems to be anything fun that doesn't require a reservation, a travel plan, but then again I hate mindless "adventure". I hate being in lonely random boring places because it makes my feeling of existentialism feel exponentially worse.
I dunno what to do with my life, but I wish that I could talk to other people. I wonder almost if I see that as a sort of fix and it's a false god, it won't really fix my problems, I wonder if that's actually the case. Because to be honest I have been searching for a reason to be happy, but it's so illusive. Every time I am happy I just forget later why I was happy and I go back to feeling sad. It's a very bizarre and abstract thing, wonder what makes me happy.
Friends. I don't even know what friendship is. I have some friends online and they're interesting people, but to be honest I never really message anyone. I don't really even feel like talking to anyone, because I always feel that when you talk with other people you have to avoid a lot of things that are on your mind. When you avoid people, are you really doing much different from when you're just talking to them? It's like a little game of hide and seek, except you're never supposed to actually find each other, that is the way that I look at interactions with other people. I have always been a very awkward person, I think that people get very put off by me, even though I'm sufficiently self aware to not make people put off by me. I think that I often come on very strong to people, not in a sexual way, but in a way that makes them feel like I am probing too deep, and they want to back off because they're not willing to put up with me. Because ultimately to put up with another person intimately, is to grapple with their inner selves. This can lead to conflict.
It's weird to me to think about sex. I have never been a person that has felt comfortable when people come onto me, or felt comfortable coming onto other people. It feels so fake to me, it feels like it could be a ritual undertaken by only someone who experiences and feels the same things as me on an almost telepathic level, for me to give full vulnerability to someone else like that. I couldn't imagine it, yet it's something that people do around me all the time, it makes me wonder who is really the empty husk of a human being. In order to be happy, I'm sure that you really just have to not think about the absurdity of the world around you and really have no passion for life at all. That is why you see so many people of our world the way they are, that is why there are so many human beings, because who else makes other people and has sex but people who fuck. It's the people who fuck who've inherited the earth. And as if by some ancient hidden secret code, the genetics of someone like me appear out of pure misfortune.
As for life being meaningless, it's sort of sad to me, because I remember from a young age the feeling of being frustrated that I couldn't imagine more colors than were on the color wheel, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't imagine both sides of a solid object inside my head, I could only see the one side of it. It's almost as though the mind realizes that there's limitations to what it can see, but I have wondered for a long time whether or not those limitations are in everything, with what we feel and with what we can experience. I know that I have the capability of experiencing things that are enjoyable, and excitement and feelings. I experience those feelings when I indulge myself in art, because I know that things in life can't always be quantified, but then again sometimes I feel trapped like there's no way out and I can only feel and experience the things which are directly in front of me. I wonder why it is that I can't just find a point of equilibrium inside my brain, where merely existing itself is something which makes me feel comfortable. I don't know, thought is very fragile, it's very tenuous. The nature of the inside of your own mind isn't something I believe I have mastered, and I wonder if it's just my own fate that I never can master it, it was never meant to be. I mean that in a materialistic deterministic sort of way, in that the universe is a wound up mechanical clock that plays out the laws of physics from the beginning of time, and everything that ever happened is unavoidable, as if you were dropping a ball and can be almost certain that gravity won't turn off an it will fall to earth. It's an idea that warps my own mind, because it's a paradox, and the idea itself is like a virus that has infected my brain.
>>8200017
Nobody cares about your blog. Maybe this sort of behaviour is why you have no friends.
>>8200050
I'm a modern day fernando pessoa, bitch.
what writing would you recommend I could relate to based off of my writings? something you actually think is good.
>>8200062
Literally anything would be better than your generic depressive, pseudo-philosophical musings.
>>8200067
Even your condescending tone is better? Nope. I just exposed you for the hypocrite you are.
>>8200062
Probably would relate to Camus but I would suggest looking into other existentialist writings. Maybe have a few beers and make a painting.
>>8200119
wrong
>>8200150
No u
>>8200143
>but I would suggest looking into other existentialist writings
who is worth checking out besides nietzsche sartre and camus? Reading the stranger is easy as fuck, nietzsche is nightmare mode, sartre's nausea is an extremely difficult novel that I have been chipping away at for like a week now, but can barely get any further because of his writing style being so hard to comprehend.
Hey OP, you know that feeling when you aren't being understood?
The only reason you're not feeling it right now is that we're not there with you. Nobody here understands you, either. The only reason you don't feel bad right now is because you are literally alone on your computer. Don't mistake that feeling for empathy. It isn't. Nobody here is empathizing.
>>8200119
Yes, my condescending tone is at least amusing for others to read.
>>8200161
Maybe Existentialism is a Humanism by Sartre. Should help a bit with reading Nausea as well. I also think you could benefit by taking up a hobby like drawing that makes it easy to loose yourself and not focus so much on thoughts. I know the existential writings wouldn't necessarily advocate that but there are more important things than following a sort of doctrine, like your mental wellbeing.
>>8199616
I don't mind life being pointless. I can accept the absurd sure enough, but embrace it?! That's preposterous. There is just too much negative utility in existing. You are going to die anyway so why not preempt it, save yourself the years of indignity and meet death on your own terms? I cannot actually figure out why anyone would want to live in the absence of religious preoccupations. Tremendous harm comes to people by their being alive.
>>8200608
Fuck this post.
I really hope that someone invents a cure for aging.
>>8199616
i'll be your friend anon
>>8200290
i empathized a little
>>8201870
okay anon, thank you.
going to bump this. I want to respond to this later when I wake up must rest now
>>8203456
that's the best picture of bob ross i've ever seen.
>>8203456
Looking forward to reading your response.
>>8199616
t. Steppenwolf
>>8203509
Shit, I gotta buy this book. I think this is the second time someone has mentioned it to me when they've seen my writings. If it is relatable to my writings then I definitely am gonna go buy it like right now.
>>8199616
I like the bunny pic.
Later today I'll read/critique/appreciate/shit on.
Enjoy the ride, with all its ups and downs, and wherever it leads you.
Learn to enjoy and embrace your existential ponderings.
Nobody knows for sure what the fuck we're really doing here anyway.
Instead of bouncing between universal and human why not look at life?
I've never posted on 4chan before. But despite whatever insensitive comments appeared on this thread, to the OP, I completely relate. Even when you described the frustration of not being able to find a color that isn't on the color wheel. That anxiety you have when it comes to communicating, fearing that you will never be able to communicate honestly - but then wondering if you have anything to even communicate ... except confusion. If you were looking for empathy, you got it - but Like someone else said, you're still just sitting behind a computer alone unfortunately. I too wonder what the world would be like without the internet - if I would still stumble upon your thoughts and gage the courage to look you in the eye and say that they are amazing.
>>8199824
>>8199749
>>8199745
>>8199616
your anxieties partly stem from egocentrism
you say sex is only imaginable as telepathy.
have you considered it as a pleasureful sensory connection in a world that is mute, deaf, and dumb
Begin to take an interest in other people
Navel gazing will fray your bridge to the world
Go shitpost on /s4s/ for a while and all will feel right.
>>8205741
still, this idea of "honest" communication is misleading.
communication takes work, time, and patience.
all these rarified pipe dreams won't take you to some platonic ideal of interpersonal relationship
only further into yourself
>>8200608
I actually don't mind living
>>8205754
Going inside oneself isn't a bad thing.
>>8200304
It really isn't.
