This is a work in progress on anxiety and introspection, also, a girl. Your feedback would be greatly appreciated. Should I keep at it?
edit: its 3 paragraphs long
its shit kys
>>8106302
You're just like me except you don't have the sense to realize you don't have anything interesting to say.
You should keep at it though, if only for personal purposes. Nobody is a great writer from the first narrative they write. Continue with the introspection, maybe someday you and me both might have the insight or the talent to propel a novel.
>>8106302
>Can I write?
Yeah!
We lack the motion to meme to the new beats
We lack the motion to meme to the new beats
It's here for us to admire if we can afford the beauty of it
Can afford the luxury of turning our pages
Adjust that thousand dollars smile and behold the creation of man
Great actions won't cover ugly words - good pic relateds won't save bad shitposts
We lack the motion to meme to the new beats. Yeah!
We lack... motion
When the day is over - Hey! - the doors are locked on us
Money buys the access - and we can't pay the cost
And how can we expect anyone to listen if we are using the same old voice?
We need new Joyce - new art for the real people
We scan all the wrong poems
We enjoy all the wrong memes
We scan all the wrong poems
We're not reading
We scan all the wrong poems
We enjoy all the wrong memes
We scan all the wrong poems
We're not, we're not, we're not, we're not, we're not, we're not...
Reading
We scan all the wrong poems
We enjoy - all the wrong memes
We scan all the wrong poems
We scan all the wrong poems
We enjoy - all the wrong memes
We scan all the wrong poems
Here we go!
We scan all the wrong poems
We enjoy all the wrong memes
We scan all the wrong poems
We're not reading. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
The new beats! The new beats! The new beats! The new beats!
The new beats! The new beats! The new beats! The new beats!
The new beats! The new beats! The new beats! The new beats!
The new beats! The new beats! The new beats! The new beats!
Thank you.
I liked it until "prison of my own design". Keep trying.
>>8106352
>don't have anything interesting to say.
luv dis meem
>>8106352
>mostly this
Just from two paragraphs I can say that your experience isn't anything new. I can picture myself in my own college years feeling the same things. Which is good because it's relatable to an audience but can also work against you because, unless you have something very extraordinary to say, it may read like an all to boring journal that has been written way too many times in some poor fag's diary.
But I say continue for practice and personal benefits.
It would be better if you didn't spend so much time denigrating the other people in the classroom. You don't really have anything interesting to say about them, so give a brief mention and move on to what you actually care about.
>>8106352
the fact that you could relate to the piece means that it is interesting, Thinking about it, the possibility that someone would relate to the piece is probably the only reason I posted it.
>>8106427
>We scan all the wrong poems
>We enjoy - all the wrong memes
I could have been my masterpiece and I fucked it up.
>>8106442
This is where you're wrong; you can write a relatable piece that an audience can identify with, but if that's the only prevailing asset of the piece, then it is boring and uninspired. You want to write something that is close enough to the readers that they can understand the experience, yet unique enough that they haven't heard the same take before.
>>8106456
This is just what I needed, Thank you.
>>8106302
This introductory paragraph is awful.
>>8106441
what if I'd later commented on my juvenile self-aggrandizement? and we might fall into this habit while young and naive?
It sounds like an interesting story to me. Keep at it and good luck to you!
>>8106302
its pretentious shit of a pretentious kid who has nothing to say
This kind of shit to me reads like navel-gazing. If you were maybe more urgent about conveying your point to the reader rather than prefacing your authority with menial, hyperbolic observations, it *might* be more interesting.
I don't want to read another fucking diary from some Salinger-esque child and it seems like you're trying too hard to make it appear as if you aren't straining for the next insulting adjective. No one is impressed by this shit. Read some real introspective masters like St. Augstine or Descartes before believing you have something vital to offer.
Don't let the bad press discourage you op. Even if it is less than you expected. Keep on writing.
>>8106731
I dont really have a point to convey actually, all i wanted was to test my style of writing, and now I know that it could do with more emphasis on content, less on style. I have also learned that the thoughts are relateble, yet offer nothing new. it is the first non academic prose Ive written in recent years, I usually just write for my philosophy courses, yes on the phenomenologists and pre-phenomenologists. So i am indeed familiar with the masters of introspection. give Levinas a chance if you have the time.
>>8106302
The first paragraph literally induced diarrhea in me
You could explain it all in maybe two sentences yet you write like a ninth grader who just found a thesaurus.
>>8106861
cool..so less is more, Thanks
>>8106861
I read the rest on my toilet because the squirts won't stop and it's actually worse. You write like John green before he decided to completely pander to his audience; a mess of 'deep' kbservations from le edgy alienated kid xDDD who is swept away by a dream girl
No one really wants to read about a fucking college kid... because most people aren't fucking college kids
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5R8gduPZw4
@ 2:40 seems like something you need to hear
>also, a girl.
You really didn't need to call attention to your gender like that.
>>8106897
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5R8gduPZw4
Im really glad I posted this, /Lit/ is a lot more ruthless than i expected. Thanks for the beat down, its perspective I could not have gained in any other way
>>8106731
>>8106798
btfo
>>8106904
it guarantees replies
So many damn adjectives in that first sentence.
>>8107319
But I like the last two sentences in the first paragraph tho. The rest of it is pretty awful. First paragraph wise. If you're not saying anything important, at least ramble in an interesting way. It's way too over-descriptive. Bogged down in a way that drags it out.
>>8107338
Second paragraph is shit. It feels cliche and overdone. Third I like. It sounds like a college student monologuing right in the middle of an old noir film. Throw out some metaphors for their drug-induced mental agony and you'd never tell the difference.
>>8106302
That intro really is godawful. Especially the congratulatory "it took a bit of guts to finally post this somewhere" bit when all you have is two paragraphs that essentially say nothing.
You've got the style of these sorts of things down, but they're always banal and pointless, even if people tend to eat them up.
>>8107383
>say nothing.
You people are obsessed with this shit.
>>8106302
it's aight. i wouldn't publish it or anything, but it's probably good for you (and your mental health) to keep writing this
>>8107402
You called it a "work in progress". If it's just your diary (t b h), which would be an appropriate context for a block of text that has no purpose other than talking about yourself, then what would the point of anyone judging it even be?
>>8106302
>the pull of self awareness, became so power that I believed collapse
>believed collapse
>believed
>collapse
What does the author mean?
>>8107450
nigga what
>>8106302
>.... And
>flat grey, fifty shades of loneliness
>>8106302
>travesties
And that's where I stopped reading.
>>8107593
why?
>>8106302
>My firs year at college was a tapestry of flat grey, fifty shades of loneliness and anxiety
wth
>>8106302
I fell contempt towards you. Not exactly bored but disinterested and annoyed that you think these minor self realizations would hold any value to anyone but yourself. If writing this is your form of therapy then keep it to yourself or share it when it's actually finished and not a single page of meaningless drivel.
