Would you keep reading after the beginning of this short story?
>http://pastebin.com/zYEJXTjp
Also post your writing here
You've posted this like eight times. I still don't want to read past the first thought.
>>8105970
Depends on how long it is, but sure, I would read some more.
Stop nominalizing, it makes you sound very dumb.
>>8105970
Stop posting this. It's not good.
>>8107272
Say more
This is purple prose. Your writing seems to serve the purpose of showing itself off instead of conveying actual meaning.
As a start, get rid of most of your adjectives and try to think of figurative language as seasoning instead of the main course. One powerful image is enough to carry a scene. Don't rely on it so much.
"The olive-green, torn-up, stain-ridden, nettle-infested carpet" just wastes the reader's time and breaks the pace.
In all, just keep writing, keep editing and keep the reader in mind.
>>8105970
Few issues I had:
1. The opening sentence is too bland. Its not palpable enough to be blunt & to the point, nor is it esoteric enough to be interesting. If you're going for blunt, that should be fairly easy. Something like this: "Things would be a lot better if not for my birth." If you're going for interesting, try to have some distance. Speaking of:
2. You need more distance overall. Your entire first paragraph lays out the theme of the story. It could also benefit from a bit of humor as well. Just in general, it desperately needs some sort of escape from the serious, almost melodramatic pedestal you're placing it on. You're writing from the perspective of a character, here. You have so much power to show us what they're like & how they think. Stop writing so many sentences about how your main character feels. Feeling isn't a personality trait. The only personality trait I got from the first paragraph is "whiny".
3. What >>8107272 said. It's a bad habit to pick up. Verminous probably isn't the best descriptor in that case anyway. What are you saying, the truth about the world is like a rat? How about rancorous, or malicious, or caustic?
I've been reading the metamorphosis on and off for like a year. It's pretty cool
Here's a rap I wrote http://pastebin.com/sNFSwzc3
Alright alright alright. Well, my uncle Carlos lost his left eye when he was younger, and he didn't have real good eyesight to begin with. Now in spite of his ocular handicap, uncle Carlos was an avid outdoorsman and hunter. He kept a .22 rifle for armadillers n' such, and a .44 rifle for bigger game. One day he decides to go shoot some hogs that was stirrin' up trouble out in the back pasture so (and Aunt Martha and Jimmie and all them say it was bound to happen (and I can't really say I disagree with em too much neither)) he grabs his varmint gun instead of his hog gun, on account of them lookin' similar enough to a man with one bad eye and one half decent eye. So he goes out to the backfield and starts waiting for them critters to come start some hoedown with'im. As you know, wild porks are ornery critters that love to cause general mayhem. So shore'nuff one of them bad boys comes up to him lookin' for a fight. Well my uncle Carlos (who's a crack shot despite his handicap) aims up his gun and shoots the beast right square between the eye. Now if you didn't know, a .22 don't do nuthin' to a big critter like a hog other than piss em off real bad. So of course the durned thing charges him, all the while uncle Carlos not realizin' the full effect of the situation keeps plinking his varmint gun at the mad creature. Eventually the pig gets him real good in the left knee, knockin' him flat on his ass-er-hindquarters I mean (sorry mama). Well fortunately the neighbor boys heard all this ruckus and came and chased the wretched porcine monstrosity off. They loaded my uncle Carlos onto the back of their flatbed ford. To make a bad situation badder, the boys hit a bump in the dirt road and poor uncle Carlos falls and breaks his left arm. Eventually we got him over to the clinic, where Doc Ferguson said he couldn't use his left arm and leg for a few weeks, but other than that he'd be all right.
>>8107442
It looks dumb, and it's guaranteed purple prose. It's a lot easier to say "I placed the chair on the floor and sat down" than it is to say "I chaired the floor and posteriored the chair that was on the floor".
>>8107534
I don't have any problem with seeing words like streamed. You're overstating and it's more evasive than illustrative. Give a reason other than it looks "dumb".
>>8107471
I like the use of language and gags, but I think you should flesh out the left arm breaking a bit, feels very sudden and undercooked.
