I posted >>8082860 on here yesterday and got some really good feedback. So I've completely rewritten it, and would like to know /lit/'s opinion of the edit.
I was born asleep, and frankly, I wish I’d never woken up. Life, however, is not some benevolent genie waiting to grant your every wish, so as I grew older and witnessed the verminous truth of the world: the irascible nature of man, the dimming of genuinity’s light, the disgustingly palpable lusting for innocence, my reverie faded. My disdain for the simple act of being began when I was young. Mother and Father hated each other. At home they screamed, they threw things, they put holes in the walls, and as those grew, so did the holes in me. Though, out in public, they put on a putrid façade to maintain their grandiose appearances, as if the only reason they stayed together wasn’t the shit-stained-diaper-wearing-at-the-age-of-six brat that was me.
>>8088222
still trash shit bird
I was born asleep. As I grew older I saw the world, the dimming light, the lust for innocence. Mom and Dad hated each other. At home they screamed, they threw things, they put holes in the walls. Out in public, though, they maintained appearances.
>>8088427
Me again. It's not enough to save it but the real take-away is work on tightening it up. If a metaphor or image isn't air-tight don't waste the reader's time on it.
bump. people on /lit/ stop writing like op
Notes from underground meets papa roach
>>8088222
Overwrought, overly sentimental, poorly punctuated, and preposterously dictioned. Forget every tip, tidbit, and piece (of shit) of advice you've been given by the anons here--most of them can't actually write, after all--and, instead, remember these three things next time you want to try to write: big words don't make good writing; don't write what you don't know; and, most importantly, stop trying so hard.
>>8088668
Lmao
This desu senpai
Also, benevolent genie? Eh
>>8088719
>don't write what you don't know
What did Shakespeare know about Danish princes with ghost dads or star-crossed lovers from feuding Verona families
>>8088222
I liked it until the last clause. The sudden loss of abstraction and plausible emotional distance (and relatability) feels indulgent. Your narrator is there whining instead of critiquing, reacting instead of acting.
Rest was good
>>8089100
Plot =/= themes
Shakespeare's themes were almost always things that common people experienced, the settings not mattering much.
>>8089337
Theme is intrinsically linked to plot and now you're just moving goalposts. "Don't write what you don't know" is a first-year creative writing platitude handed down like it's a papal bull by hacks and burnouts. It's on the same level of that "show, don't tell" nonsense that losers repeat and people are supposed to nod their heads sagely at this first holy commandment of writing.
>>8089361
>Theme is intrinsically linked to plot
I think this is actually kind of good desu. Like
>>8089100
said the last clause is shit, but the rest is fine
>>8090585
>but the rest is fine
no, it isn't. cut down all of your prose to the bone and start again.
>>8090590
>Not OP
>My prose is great
>Suck my dick
>>8089361
>advising someone that writing sincerely is a more effective way to establish an emotional connection with the reader than writing about something you have no experience with is bad
I guarantee you are a shit writer.
>>8088222
I have literally no idea what you're trying to convey here emotionally. You cover up any semblance of emotion with excessive adjectives.
>>8088222
Tbh I don't know if this is salvageable OP.
I was born asleep. Mom and Dad hated each other. In public they kept appearances.
>>8091002
What you wrote makes absolutely no goddamn sense.
>I was born asleep, and frankly, I wish I’d never woken up.
Keep this.
> Life, however, is not some benevolent genie waiting to grant your every wish, so as I grew older and witnessed the verminous truth of the world: the irascible nature of man, the dimming of genuinity’s light, the disgustingly palpable lusting for innocence, my reverie faded.
Get rid of all this shit.
>My disdain for the simple act of being began when I was young.
Keep this.
>Mother and Father hated each other.
Express this better. No shit, couples who hate each other "scream and throw things" we all know that. Show us something this couple does that makes their fights seem more crucial to the narrator.
>Though, out in public, they put on a putrid façade to maintain their grandiose appearances,
Again, this is the dullest possible way to describe it. Maybe think up a specific example of what, exactly, they did to keep up appearances?
>shit-stained-diaper-wearing-at-the-age-of-six brat that was me.
Please redo this. Feels like you just fired buckshot into my brain.
