How can I make my writing better? I ask my friends about my writing and they all tell me I write like a 9th grader. Here's a sample of my writing, from a short story I wrote.
My feelings after this were feelings of dread, the years of my thefts had caught up to me, and they weren’t going to be nice. My first theft consisted of feelings that were of panic, and adrenaline, and it left me feeling great. As I continued these feelings eventually subsided, and became natural to me. My sins were normal to me, just a part of life, but to others they were sins. It was at this point the realization of what I have been doing had hit me. The rest of that right consisted of tears, and stolen alcohol. More thefts presumed after that, but they continued to make me feel worse. My work became sloppier, I had trouble focusing, no longer did this seem natural to me, it seemed like sin. In due time all sinners receive their punishment, but I wanted mine to be on my own terms. As you know, that is how we ended up here today. I guess you could say the boy was the catalyst of me coming here, he helped me realize what I was doing was sinful. I know my punishments will come, and I’ve accepted it. All sinners must atone for their actions one way or another, and this is mine. However, what will become of me once the punishment ceases?
Anyone?
>>8085910
You're mixing intensity levels. Either be more banal, or less.
>>8085910
Couple of things come to mind.
>using the same word over and over in quick succession is generally a bad idea unless you're doing it on purpose for stylistic effect
>you aren't very descriptive. Few adjectives, few adverbs, little description beyond the absolute skeleton. Like the above it can work if you're doing it on purpose, but you aren't so it looks "like a 9th grader".
>you're jumping around way too much. Ties into the above, because you finish up an idea (e.g. your feelings about theft) in about 2 sentences and then abruptly start talking about something related without any segue.
>stop spamming commas holy fuck
>>8085910
If you write a sentence, paragraph, or story that you've heard before or heard something kind of like before, scrap it and rewrite
>>8085910
writing should generally be about describing things, not describing yourself. also it's really stupid and bad. it reads like a linkin park screenplay
>>8085910
Dude you're writing is awesome. WTF ppl talking about keep it up!
>>8085910
so your gay? what is this about? faggggg
>>8085980
Thanks, I know I'm a little late but I was busy and I still want to say I appreciate your advice.
Your issue with my commas is noted, it's been a problem I've had with writing for awhile.
>>8086792
That was mean, Kimberly.
>>8086881
Basically you need to become less stupid.
>>8085910
>My feelings after this were feelings of dread
>consisted of feelings that were of panic, and adrenaline, and it left me feeling great
>More thefts presumed after that, but they continued to make me feel worse.
>was the catalyst of me coming
This all reads very awkwardly. Be judicious in your use of passive voice.
>However, what will become of me once the punishment ceases?
There is no context to what this punishment is or how it's important/why we should care. Is this supposed to be the setup to a crisis of identity, or is the guy just bummed he'll have a hard time finding an apartment after getting out of jail?
