Hello /lit/ this is my first short story. Please tell me what you think. Be rough I need to improve.
The Fisherman
I remember an old fisherman who lived in Gloucester Massachusetts when I was a young boy. This man had long retired from commercial fishing days, but nearly every day he would drag his wooden row boat from his home to the shore. He would set out in this dingy, with chipped painted and corroded hardware, for the rocks covered with seaweed that hid sunken just around a large outcropping of rocks at the end of the beach.
Once he was far enough he would cast his net into the dark green water. He’d let it drag along the bottom so he could gather a large variety of creatures. While he was throwing his net a large crowd of children would form on the beach. Many of the children already knew the fisherman, and those who did not simply came due to curiosity about the growing congregation.
When the fisherman decided he had enough he would slowly row to shore. He was old and this took a lot of work. Here he comes! Here he comes! The crowd of children would shout. Some would even dance on their tip toes in excitement. The fisherman would land his boat and begin to tug it further ashore so it would not wash away. As he did this the children, like plovers running from waves, would move closer to the boat and then scurry away with each of the fisherman’s heaves.
Then the fisherman would stop and say “Now help me throw these back!” and he would release the contents of the net onto the sand so the children could see. The children would start grabbing fish, crabs, clams, mussels, and starfish. The ones who were afraid to touch would be egged on by the others or the fisherman saying, “It’s just slime!” or “It won’t hurt you”.
What joy everyone had! The fisherman would tell the children what each organism was called. He would explain which were good to eat or which were good to use as bait. Nearly every day the fisherman would do this. He continued until his passing.
I had not known of his death until I was a young man. I found out when I asked someone if the fisherman still came around, someone told me he had passed years ago.
I had been going out to the same seaweed covered rocks as the fisherman did for years. I went with a spear to catch flounder and tautog. I only ever brought back what was good to eat.
One day I decided to bring back some starfish. I took a deep breath and dove down to peel them from the rocks. I stuffed them down the front of my wetsuit. When I got back to shore some of the starfish had latched to my chest. I pulled them off to show some children. They asked what else was out there, so I started bringing back more and more creatures.
The children love seeing all of the different sea animals and they get so excited just like I used to. Now it is I who brings the specimens ashore. The old joy is restored with new faces.
In spite of this, some days I wish someone would bring a net ashore for me, even just one last time.
>>8080981
Brava
>>8080994
What does that mean I am a burger.
>>8081014
Bravo. It is better than most shit on here. Leave and never come back imo
>I remember
stopped there tb h
try again and make it at least readable next time
>>8081040
What do you mean? Is this a meme on here? It's my first time posting on this board.
>>8080981
I liked it quite a bit,
one minor bit of editing (might just be me) but where it says:
>" for the rocks covered with seaweed that hid sunken just around a large outcropping of rocks at the end of the beach."
you might not want to repeat "rocks" twice. Maybe something like: "for the rocks lay in a blanket of seaweed just beyond a large outcropping at the end of the beach"
I know it's nit-picking, but if I didn't like it as a whole, I wouldn't have bothered pointing it out.
>>8081105
Nice catch. Thank you, I don't like the way it sounds either.
![688540bb184bba0f4977f0382f456376[1].jpg_3188124.jpg](https://i.imgur.com/cypPHV6.jpg "688540bb184bba0f4977f0382f456376[1].jpg_3188124.jpg")
>>8081040
i read it as 'le remember'
...ah, distinctly le remember it was in the le december, and each separate dying ember wrought le ghost upon le floor...
>>8080981
>l remember
dropped
Change I remember to there was
>>8081174
Okay, any specific reason? None of my writing friends mentioned the I remember but everyone here seems to not like it.
>>8081176
That's because this place is supposedly high brow. Just remember it for the future, man.
>>8080981
>He was old and this took a lot of work
You already said he was old in the very first sentence. And maybe tell why it was a lot of work. Would he sweat? Would he be out of breath? Did it seem like it became harder and harder for his each day?
I feel like you could shorten most of this a lot.
>When the fisherman decided he had enough he would slowly row to shore.
>When the fisherman had caught enough he would slowly row to shore.
>Here he comes! Here he comes! The crowd of children would shout. Some would even dance on their tip toes in excitement
>Here he comes! Here he comes! the children would shout, standing on their tiptoes in excitement.
>I had been going out to the same seaweed covered rocks as the fisherman did for years. I went with a spear to catch flounder and tautog. I only ever brought back what was good to eat.
>I had been going to the same seaweed covered rocks as the fisherman, catching flounder and tautog, only ever bringing back what was good to eat.
To me your writing is very objective and simple. You tell the reader what happened. And then you tell them that this other thing happened. Then you tell them about other things that happened.
It's not bad. Overall i like it. but it is rather monotone and bland at some points. If this is really your first short story (which i don't think it is) then good job.
Also, u made an entire thread for your story, so fuck you.
>>8081273
Great advice thank you.
>>8081176
For brevitys sake, the narrator is telling the story, he remembers the events, we know he remembers the events because he's telling us, he does not have to tell us he remembers the events because we know he remembers the events because he's telling us the events that he remembers!
The same goes for
>in my opinion...
>I think...
Or
>I think that...
This is all over the board, it bugs the shit out of me.
>>8081834
Joking on the last part everybody here is so fucking confident...they don't think something, they KNOW
>>8080981
I like it. Too much summary though.
Have the narrator be already present at the lake, this transitions/brings up his remembrance of the oldman bit, then when you get to the "I didnt know he'd died" bit dramatize that in the present so it be something like "Hey, seen the old fisherman around?" "Who?" That's really all you need to say he's dead/gone. So now the narrator goes and gets the starfish etc. (ditch the 'one day...') The last bit needs to be made into a scene/dramatized too: showing his bittersweet joy and nostalgia/sadness instead of just stating it
