ITT: give the opening line, sentence or passage of the book/story you're working on.
"It is often said that history is written by the victor; now, I'm not entirely sure who this victor chap is but I can assure you that he left out quite a bit - perhaps he was demented, or a little crippled boy."
If I read that opening line in a book id just opened, I would frisbee the book out my window so fucking hard my wrist would ache afterwards
>>8071051
Why? :(
>>8071041
This is a joke post right
>>8071041
>Starting with a platitude
>Using 'chap' unironically
>>8071041
"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect".
I'm pretty content with my progress so far.
"It is often said that the shark is the cruelest animal, but read until the end of this book to uncover the shocking truth."
"The last message he received from God that had made any sense whatsoever was over two hundred years ago."
"Hahd! It comes! The great disposal that floats above space. That which all from comes and all to which goes. Bi’yek, God of Earth, God of Life! As to which we know a great dumptruck! Depositor of the soil, creator of the rot, the death from which does life, from which does death!"
Ma man has died today. Dat man wuz ma nigga fo so long I t'aint sho how iz goin' tuh suhvive wid out him. Rets in peace ma man.
The wrestler climbed the ropes with bloody head hung low. The crowd rose from their seats in stadium rows and their voices came on like the sea.
>>8071041
That picture of a vomiting goose is an appropriate accompaniment to that verbal diarrhoea spillage of a sentence. I sincerely hope you have not written anything else.
>>8071041
>This was it. This was how he'd die. Not in glory, or some heroic clash against a worthy opponent. No. He was going to die from a broken leg in the middle of nowhere. He'd die slowly and painfully, leaving nothing more than a corpse for some lucky beast to gnaw on. And no one would ever know.
Feel free to let rip.
ITT: write garbage and sensibly chuckle
"The church structure loomed over him, exuding a sense of majesty not unlike the god it represents."
i dont fucking know
>>8071649
l don't know who "he" is. So this dramatic statement of his death doesn't really stir anything; l don't care.
l feel this would deliver more powerfully if you split it in half at the "No." and switched the halves places.
>>8071673
Would've struck me more by "...sense of majesty unlike the god it represents." But that of course switches the meaning around.
>The drums erupted from the docks and ripped across the landscape; the sounds slapping against the stone wall set his ears to ringing, but Tindore's mind went to the three strange galleys that had appeared on the horizon that morning.
The names of those involved have been changed to protect their identity.
Humanity… All of my suffering on this world has been at the hands of humanity, particularly women. It has made me realize just how brutal and twisted humanity is as a species.
>>8071673
has me interested
"
Her senses returned to her in a slow dawn, and in the morning haze of
her consciousness, shadows of thoughts, dreams and memories drifted about,
all equally ephemeral, equally probable or improbable."
>>8071851
>my suffering
>nobody wants to touch my peepee
what a hard life
>>8071695
>>8071673
>Would've struck me more by "...sense of majesty unlike the god it represents." But that of course switches the meaning around.
I agree. The reason it is better is the surprise immediately sets up a tension that allows us to speculate. Does the character share the opinion of the narrator? Did his disdain bring him to the church?
Whereas here
>"The church structure loomed over him, exuding a sense of majesty not unlike the god it represents."
this part
> not unlike the god it represents
is essentially redundant. Religious architecture is supposed to remind you of the divine. Compare the church with something else. Hint at more of the story.
>>8071726
>Leading the way was a black ship, same of sail and oar, followed closely by another. The second shit portrayed a life of decadence with a green hull and bone white oars and sails. The two ships together had no common marking save the distance between them; this is what made the third so strange.
>The last was huge, at least twice the size of the others with a deep red hull. On both sides double decks of oars man with orange and yellow alternating oars made the ship seem to burn upon the sea. But only one thing frightend him about it. The height of the temple allowed him to see a thick red trail behind,a trail that led deep to the eastern sea
>>8071041
" 'The elite of this country use the blood of the innocent in their expensive lotion and perfumes.' The cafe was empty, so no nobody saw when I slapped Juan across the face."
My ass is ready Anons.
>>8072681
*lotions
"Clouds in the sky, heavy and grey and forbidding the sun, began to spill in frenzy about the campus, shattering and streaking one after another on each classroom window."
This is my opener.
>>8072755
I am not OP, but thanks either way senpai.
Pic related somewhat.
>>8071041
it sounds like the voice over in a porno movie.
>>8071232
>waking up to start a story
Anon...
>>8072755
Thank you dude, I try to write well but I usually just try too hard to make the reader swe what I see I guess.
>>8071531
is it? never heard that.
>>8071537
dope. would continue.
>>8071549
nope not down
>>8071554
probably wouldn't. And I read "Da Great Gatsby"
>>8071589
you have earned another page or two of attention, but that simile better not be the norm.
>>8071649
YA could get away with this maybe. but you should try cutting it down to what you're actually saying. i'd start with the "broken leg" sentence and cut "he'd die slowly and painfully"
>>8071673
please never do the "not un" thing ever again. also "church structure" is redundant. also delete "a sense of". "The church loomed over him like a god in its own right" would be better, since churches symbolizing god is often the point. also this is a first sentence. Use a name, not a pronoun.
>>8071726
the "stone wall" disrupts the flow since I'm wondering where/what the stone wall is. Sea wall? further down "the landscape"? some building?
>>8071851
cut "humanity..." and basically every time you've ever used the word "just." it's a filler word, like "actually"
>>8071909
nahhhh takes too long to say what it says
>>8072681
is this two intros (in which case first has potential, second has slightly less) or one (in which case is this something Juan says or what?)
>>8072739
the clouds spilled in frenzy? the clouds shattered? the clouds streaked? verb choice seems more based on sound and feel than meaning. Not horribad, but it reflects a trend in modern literature that I hate. if you're an MFA student, though, keep going. They'll eat that shit up, probably.
>>8072407
forgot this one. "portrayed a life of" should be changed to one word like "embodied", distance is not a marking, and the description of the oars is awkward (maybe "...double rows of alternating orange and yellow oars made the ship...") but damn if i'm not intrigued. improve the sentences and live up to the promise of these lines, and you have a book i'd totally read
>>8071041
in medias res scene > narrator/protag prattling on > exposition dump
This paper will discuss the four weeks I spent with in the Hiroshimite(1) Commune, Significant Scholarship has already been dedicated to the Mutilants(2) of the clan, so this peculiar sect will be mentioned only in passing.
(Footnotes)
1 It should be mentioned they do not call themselves Hiroshimites, they refuse all names and labels, but the colloquialism will be used for the reader's convenience.
2. See Footnote 1.
>>8072837
Juan does say the quote. It is all part of one intro.
Should I be doing something else right now? Generations refrain. Words, stolen from a friend, help paint a bigger picture. Words stolen from a friend; help, paint a bigger picture. Grand. As far as the eye can see. Stretching across boundless lands and space and more importantly time: true art is universal. What about galaxies?
>>8072934
okay. but this is why in general it's considered best to avoid starting with a quote. even something simple/stupid like "Juan set his coffee down and looked at me intensely. 'The elite...'" etc would ground me a little more and provide context, a speaker... that way I don't have to retroactively assign a voice and tone to it.
>>8073017
drivel
Do the monkey with me.
>>8073036
How bout
Should I be doing something else right now? A generation's refrain. Ageneration. A friend would focus on the self - ironic? Apparently our posts feeds memes really just point to me, me. Me. No face. Book. Books. Not yet booked, luckily.
>>8073054
Do you have the Schizophrenia? If not, try to write a book that's not word salad.
>>8073054
my main question is: what is this piece and what are you trying to do with it?
so far it just looks like idle wordplay. no story, just relatively basic statements about our current times. i think this could work as a spoken-word performance piece, but even there it should eventually say something that matters. Something concrete. obviously this doesn't always happen in the first few sentences, though, which is why i ask what this is and what it's about.
>>8073039
if these are song lyrics, you should head to /mu/. if this is a book, i really need more context. second-person narration is tricky, and the "me" is completely undefined. plus not sure if you mean the literal dance move or if this is a metaphor for something you haven't established yet.
>>8073028
Thanks senpai. I appreciate it.
>>8073100
np senpai
>>8072820
A religious tale starring Metatron and the archangels, dealing with a God who has seemingly turned senile. It's fantasy action with a culturally clueless Metatron returning to earth for his adventures as a human once again, with a whodunnit mystery in the background, created by Asimov-like rules for the angels and how one of them is malevolent despite his divinity.It's not Satan or any of the already fallen angels because that'd be unoriginal as fuck.
>Rigor mortis had introduced itself to her muscles and Charlie could feel her porcelain ass grow harder and harder around his throbbing cock. This was now the fourth time in under an hour Charlie could feel his balls drain as he deposited another load into the sad abyss through the back door of a vacant vessel.
>>8073131
would read
>>8073131
DO IT NOW.
>>8072837
Some pretty thoughtful analysis coming from this guy
>>8071041
I thought this was funny. Reminds me of how Lemony Snicket started his books.
Phuc Stevenson was a postman in Mansfield, a suburb of Dallas. Understand now that postman is a joke, a play on “post-man,” implying either that Phuc somehow transcends humanity or that he’s the quintessence of postmodernity. Whatever it means, he definitely has nothing to do with the mail [commentary on privatization of postal service in America and neoconservatism because such commentaries are too unabashedly earnest for someone too young to remember 9/11 to make] or stamps or Thomas Pynchon. Phuc decided last month while snapchatting underage girls dick pics under the alias Dylan (he thought to use Phil because of his name or Fred because of phonetics but those are some pedo as fuck names (I guess 16 isn’t even pedo it’s more ephebo and half of Europe is cool with it (not that non-Euro countries can’t be good examples of reasonable sex policies, not being ethnocentric (no fuck that Thailand has no business being like that (reverse privilege Phuc is Asian (no shit, his name is Phuc) so I can say that (though I (the defictionalized author) am only half so I/he can write/think that))))) that the whole affectation/sincerity thing dominating the arts is stupid since the opposite of affectation would more accurately be isolation, as affectation is inherent to socialization, or perhaps even suicide, as it’s sort of inherent to existence (unless you’re retarded or senile or David Foster Wallace (scratch that last one he killed himself (as you know :^) hehelololkekekeakguaholmjrgimt); I think I’m/he’s on to something)). As problematic (this is only half-ironic because on the one hand fuck university liberals (university being a modifier (the non-tenured variety are fine (privilege check: of course I think that I am one))) but foregoing fitting diction to avoid tumblr liberal (there are so many varieties (latte leftist, limousine liberal and microblog (cultural) Marxist (which is really just tumblr liberal with more Joyce points) round out the alliterative subset)) connotations is insincere as hell (irony of using affected po-mo down-to-earth colloquialisms (“…as hell”) when chastising insincerity noted)) as affectation as a concept is, sincerity is even more so, as Phuc realized fourteen pages into his Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic he jokingly wrote, because with intention (fuck you determinists I’m not going eight parentheticals deep to temper that term) comes an inherent sincerity.
>"But most of all, I'm doing it because Subway no longer offers five-dollar foot-longs," David wrote, adding the final touches to his suicide note.
>>8073272
made me laugh
>>8073285
Do it again m8
>>8073271
so are you trying to be utterly pointless? Or did it happen by accident?
>>8071041
>Douglas Adams face
No, worse. This is Lemony Snickett tier
>>8073335
Read a little closer mate. You'll see the brilliance.
>>8073272
Can you actually fucking write a story around this, please? I am fucking laughing so hard.
>>8073054
I somehow see some type of weird flow, you may be considered a genius one dayonly after you die of course
>>8073137
Well not terrible. The "sad abyss" part dosent really fit. Other than that not down for necro
>>8073271
"Underage girls dick pics under the alias Dylan" this is where I stop reading anon
>>8073272
Actually seems pretty funny mang, go for it
>>8073363
You wouldn't consider a dead girl's asshole a sad abyss?
>>8073363
>this is where I stop reading anon
what's wrong with the line?
![natural-squeeze[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/qFKMYq6.jpg "natural-squeeze[1].jpg")
>>8071041
Sounds good, OP. I liked it. Don't mind the haters.
![[wanting to stop intensifies].gif](https://i.imgur.com/Db4kAKO.gif "[wanting to stop intensifies].gif")
>FIVE years now, he thought, as he scribbled nervously in his personal journal what he saw and heard for the inumerable time in Hoxton House, private asylum.
going for that barry lyndon time setting, rip and tear
>>8071554
I would pay you to write this book anon, we need it.
I wondered why I wasn't crying.
>>8073451
lol
"Kierkegaard", the voice says. No, not that. Click button.
"Kendrick." Groan. Click. You sip your tea and frown in the way only a man who's trying to frown can. Forty-seven names to go.
"I wish I could kill myself"
>>8071938
>>8072837
>>8073444
It's basically To Kill A Mockingbird.
>>8073470
He's not even ugly. I would've fucked the shit out of him.
He was simply creepy. Probably autistic.
"The bigger they are, the harder they fall" Akihiro murmured under his breath, as he was wiping his katana blade from the blood of the unfortunate punk who dared to cross his path thirty seconds ago.
>>8073271
You should graduate from adderall and go straight for meth, it'll be great.
The walls had been melting for hours.
>>8071232
really, the first thing is waking up as an exposition?
this book is gonna be shit, i know it
It rained on the day that they finally got around to burning Vicar Arden's old bones. Delly stayed dry.
>>8071041
I love to eat shit, but not because I'm told to by some irate person.
Early Chitwood was cold. He had been cold all night, and the fact his condition had endured into the early morning only deepened his discomfort and irritation. He shifted himself in his overlarge saddle and looked up. He watched the shining beams of morning sunlight trying, and pitifully failing, to break through the thick grey cloud bank that filled the Texas sky.
>>8071232
Wow totally random!!! XD *holds up spork* he's a bug lmao!!!
Give up, you'll never be a writer.
>>8073682
i fucked this up, should read
Early Chitwood was cold. He had been cold all night, and the fact his condition had endured into the early morning only deepened his discomfort and irritation. He shifted himself in his overlarge saddle and looked up and watched the shining beams of morning sunlight trying, and pitifully failing, to break through the thick grey cloud bank that filled the Texas sky
>>8073461
I REMEMBER YOU WAS CONFLICTED
It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.
>>8073708
Dickens pls
>>8073691
this sounds like something Cormac McCarthy would write. Except well-written. Would keep reading/10
>>8073271
This is really good. Even if you ignore the gimmicky structure.
>>8071051
fucking lol'd
>>8071232
Don't ever publish your work and have it destroyed after you die.
>>8073271
unironically great job, though the first half is better than the second. up until after the DFW part.
It was night, for it was always night. With grim darkness pervading every iota of the night sky, Archibald Flabberghast pulled out his Ectophiliam. There were apparitions abounding, on this the most darkest of nights. He tipped his blackened stovepipe hat to the lady walking towards him, and gently uttered "M'lady." She nodded back, and smiled. Innocence should always be preserved.
The townage of Blackenmoor Darq had seen a great increase in ghostly phenomenae lately, no doubt the result of the negative emotions that obscured the very soul of the place itself.
>>8074763
>thatsthejoke.jpeg
>>8074786
I sincerely hope this is the highest form of irony.
>>8074763
Are you a retard or are you playing along?
>>8071051
i'm going to plagiarize this
>“Fear is a fantastic motivator.” The man mumbled to himself while he rummaged through the wardrobe in his large, decorated room. He knew he hadn’t the time to sort through everything, so he grabbed a small pack and slug it over his shoulder.
Do your worst.
>the Victor
>then acting like Victor is a guy even after using "the"
You can't do that, chap
>>8074806
“Fear is a fantastic motivator,” the man mumbled as he rummaged through the wardrobe in his lavish room. He hadn’t the time to sort through everything, so he grabbed a small pack and slung it over his shoulder.
>motivator.” The (did he mumble this?)
>He knew (uneeded)
>slug (not a verb for this action)
it's fine
There I was, encrusted in cum, smeared in shit, and used as recepticle for hundred's of men's and boy's urine; I was drowning.
>>8074836
edit: I know I need an editor badly. Thanks though.
I also meant slung over his shoulder.
>>8074840
It doesn't sound so much like the beginning of a book, but instead just the average synopsis of your day to day life.
>>8074853
It's from diary.
>>8074822
Ultra-derivative of Saint David.
>>8071232
>le witty i know who kafka is ironic meme response number le 5 :^) xD
>>8074859
Oh shit damn it just came to mind and I just now realized that it's just the goddamn intro of IJ.
Well, this only furthers my will to die
>>8074786
>>8074792
>>8074822
Archie studied the Ectophiliam closely, as black acid rain fell from noired cloudlets onto the turquoise lens of glass. Swirls of otherworldy energies shifted and churned through the aetheaerium, seeking refuge from the howling maw of the void. Too many to deal with on this eavening, he thought. Good thing it was always night, as the spooks disappeared when the sun scourged the land once more.
Rummaging through his duster coat, he found a small metallic rectangle. He had purchased it the previous night (which was hard to tell, since it was always night) from Flemian's Antiquariatium & Curiosatine. It was called a Vapauxreizéur. It allowed him to partake in his favourite pastime, but without the dirt of nicotino polluting his lungs.
>>8074887
Each fuck-up brings you closer to divine inspiration bro, don't sweat it.
>>8074888
Please god make it stop.
>>8073708
It was the blurst of times
>>8071041
oh shit, i love foie gras
It is such a treat when random chance and providence both decide to come fuck you over on this the day of my daughters wedding.
a big pig came into my shop and i said to the pig -- i aint got no money, not a single coin, leave me be piggy or ill call thje farmer to come get yer.
>>8077205
word salad
The man who quacked flew across the dessert, and the mudslinger followed
>>8071041
Pvt Vickers clambered out of his dugout, and said hello to the skull oozing out of the trench wall as he did every morning.
>>8076442
>POV shift within in the same sentence
FUCKING DROPPED!
>>8077490
Spell out "private." Also skulls don't ooze.
Everything is translated to me through a veil of dull, silky pain.
>>8071232
If I read that opening line in a book id just opened, I would frisbee the book out my window so fucking hard my wrist would ache afterwards
>>8077534
Can all be read as a single PoV.
