POST LIT GET HIT
There is only 1 rule in /CRIT/ club: you can only post if you give feedback to another Anon's work or post a link/article related to writing.
I will go first
Here is a simple style guide on writing more concisely.
http://www.writing.utoronto.ca/advice/style-and-editing/wordiness
and something you guys can crit
http://pastebin.com/cy1xYDqu
>>8034758
>There is only 1 rule in /CRIT/ club: you can only post if you give feedback to another Anon's work or post a link/article related to writing.
Or what, are you going to call the cops?
>>8034771
kinda awkward
>>8034771
>My ciggy
ugh
>>8034871
how many synonyms for cigarette are there?
>>8035008
your writing really reminds me of one
>>8035008
Cigarette, smoke, fag.
If you need to mention a cigarette more than three times in short succession there is something wrong with your writing.
>>8034871
Hate to agree with a frogposter but this. The actual scene is pretty decent but the first part reads like the script to a ciggy commercial.
>>8035033
Why'd you leave out 'dart'?
>my review
all of you are shit writers
>my content
one day i was walking
as i was walking i was talking
i tripped over a rock
fell down and clocked
my head on a cloud
>deep. meaningful. wise. genius.
First time posting content in such a thread. Short piece of naked dialogue between twoteens in relationshipA is the chick, S the guy, she lost a bet. Came up with it while I couldn't sleep and wonder if I should expand the scene.
Fuck my shit up, senpai.
http://pastebin.com/vVSrsYRT
>>8035592
Ah ahaha hahaha aha hha buuuuuuuuuuuurn!
This guy is hilarious.
XDDD
>>8035658
It's like a mix of White Noise and John Green, in a bad way
I walked and the neon signs stood out like cryptic messages from a distant God and the world felt very small.
>>8035902
>small
big. I meant big. fuck it all
>>8035902
hot i wanked off to this story
>>8034810
10 / out of fucking 10
>>8035719
This is hilarious - also, fuck you
> the city of /lit/ everybody
>>8035592
It's a decent attempt, but you ought to be more evocative with your use of language. I like the line break between "clocked" and "my head". It engenders a nice little surprise.
Here's my contribution. It's incomplete, but
I turn my head around and see behind
a barrage of uncounted centuries
congesting in their endless file the course
of history, pages of the almanac,
extending to the furthest reaches of
recorded time, where paper frays and frames
the forms of kings, and mounds of plebeian dust
ride the backwards-floating wind of time.
In the primal bush in golden sunshine robed,
perspiring blackened topsoil underneath
to cool the crib, the little feet of lizards
now long returned to loam and dirt would drag
their little bellies through the oozing mud
and scrawl across the land in scurried streaks
a city in relief embossed in dirt,
winding its ways through the swaying tallgrass,
until the primal simian learned that if
he tucked his throbbing thumb against the rock
cupped in his foregathered dactyls, it would
repel the haul of gravity and taste
the glassy higher air unsullied still
by smoke and breath, and fly to where it pleased
him that it fly to hammer muck from meat
and speckle red his ragged face through art of
slaughter. The blood of grassland peasantry
made flush the lining of the arteries
that plotted lines awry about his face,
and on his temple set a bony crown,
and fed the marrows of his kingly bones;
the bulbous mouth, the downy cheeks, the squat
phallus resting in its matted nest, like
the monkey-king upon his fleshly throne.
Of morbid curiosity I chase
with eyes the lives of my progenitor,
and deep within my chest the drum begins
to beat at sight of savagery to match
the savagery forever etched upon
my cardiac wall. What in me is human,
whatever masculine, testosterone
trails afire, descended the lines from him.
But what in me is human had been boiled
and fused together in bubbling womb-water:
the primal male had swum towards the female
and had cocooned himself within her, sharing
blood and spirit to build a progeny, like
the baby hominid that stood just slightly
taller than his hulking parents and shuffled
around the shelter that his mother built him.
His mother reined the fingers fixing slats
in grooves of some austere machinery,
and father let him hold the gutted bow
while seated on the saddled arching hump.
But both father and mother directed
the drawing of the catgut, taught the love
of creaking wood as the curved spine is drawn
taut, and arrow loosed at a mammoth’s heart.
>>8035033
people who call fags smokes gives me a real headache, like when people call coke or whatever pop
>>8036057
I should probably crit this but i dont have the mental energy, due to it being very complex and im not smart enough to really give you anything of value. You have convinced me that you know a lot of words though. Also why did you format it like that?
>>8035658
A couple of very clever characters i suppose, but do you really know any teenagers that talk like this /spoiler/ espescially tennage girls /spoiler/? make em grown ups or make em realistic, its alright though, i guess.
>http://pastebin.com/jsVsbStP
Its not finished but im desperate for attention so here.
you should be able to tell from this what I've been reading
http://pastebin.com/ShyWTUr6
I didn't have a full idea of where this is going from the start but now I'm thinking of a mass expiration of subjects, deemed a failure, until the bodies resist destruction and rise back up, confirming a successful separation but producing the empty husks instead of the soul
they can no longer die, containment break everyone dies except the author etc etc
>>8037927
What is this image from?
It speaks to me.
>>8037946
same
http://themichaelmacrae.deviantart.com/art/Coming-Into-Being-436094365
http://themichaelmacrae.deviantart.com/art/How-Do-I-Fix-You-301661576
http://themichaelmacrae.deviantart.com/art/Be-Still-456705540
http://themichaelmacrae.deviantart.com/art/The-Passing-of-Knowlege-207039218
http://themichaelmacrae.deviantart.com/art/Why-Not-This-One-350235105
these are all the related ones I could find
>>8037975
These are pretty cool
>>8037527
Formating need work and I am not quite sure what it's about, the part about their plans/stuff they got for Stevie feels too long. The mood went from weird to creepy and definitely caught my curiosity in the end. What will be the story about?
>>8037927
Bit repetitive at times (last 3/4) but overall I like it.
>>8037927
Overall impression:
-It read, to me, the way a history text does. If this was your intent, cool.
-As well as this, I kept getting the impression that underneath your words was a sermon. One again, if this was your intent, then fine. It just felt a little... I dunno, tacky, to me. Preachy. Still sorta cool, though. Maybe dial it down a notch, or something.
Particular critiques:
>"...wallowing in their own fetid ichors and struggling to maintain their grotesque approximations of human form (etc etc)..."
I would vote in favour of subtracting "their own" from that line. It just seems to read better, I think. It was already implied to me that it was their *own* fetid ichors, because they are in a tank, and what else would they be swimming in? My first thought is certainly not *someone else's* fetid ichors. I hope that makes sense.
>Man is puzzled momentarily; a more humble creature would have accepted the inextricability of this vital essence as a Divine concept far beyond understanding. Man, however, presses on.
Perhaps subtract the "however" from that last sentence. It delivers better. Creates an ambiguity of morals that I feel would help your passage. The "however" sets man in a negative, futile light, which once again seems peachy to me. I think leaving the "however" has more power. More impact.
Here's my shit...
First one: "Everyone Stops Working"
I only just started this, and I'm wondering if it's intriguing/kafkaesque enough to be worth continuing. It's probably shit.
>http://pastebin.com/AnfGZj2H
Here's another, a bit longer. It's from a novel I've been working on for a while now. I'd prefer critiqu on this one tbqh.
>http://pastebin.com/A58G1cSR
"My friend John, i've grown very close of you. You're young and have a mind of influence. I hope I can share every ounce of my knowledge with you, and pour every amount of influence onto you. But when I speak of this I speak it very solemnly, and this conversation does not leave the room. I hope that what i'm about to tell you; you'll be able to fully grasp it.
"I listen with an open ear and an open mind sir. I know that everything you say is wise and brilliant. You have my trust of not telling any kind of foolery, you know more than I wish to know"
"Good, now know we we're a creation of a god. You knwo just of that my friend. But we're also changed by mankind. In this world there are two types, alive or dead, light and dark, but most of all. There is good and evil. Ive seen every side of every man. I can recall that day, it was almost like a unexpected visit from the devil himself. It was some dark stormy night 15 years ago, I know of it so well. I was in the church, sleeping in the back when I heard loud bangs come from the churchs front door. I got up, and answered the door to the man. He was kind, and well dressed. He was cold and wet. I offered him to tell me of his request at such this time, and he did! But told me that it was only worthy of conversation in the confession box, so I led him the way. I looked at him throught the holes, he had eyes; eyes that I havent forgotten since I saw them. They burnt of red, and a chilling fire. His breath was one of an old dogs, and his face was snow white. I asked what's his proposal, and thats when he told me
C.W Smith
bemp
>>8037927
Somewhat antiquated language and a bit of excessive details, but otherwise 3.5/5
>>http://pastebin.com/KvZDygh6
A short story I began working on today
Seeing as I've done my part already, I'm pasting my shit again just in case no one saw them.
From a novel I've been working on for a while now. Prefer critique on this one:
>http://pastebin.com/A58G1cSR
A story that never made it past the initial surge of insipiration:
>http://pastebin.com/AnfGZj2H
>>8039309
Overall impression:
-Very regal, aristocratic. Stately. There are some intriguing lines that I like.
-The style is dated. Do you mean to do this? I trust that, if you're trying to use this style, you're well read in victorian lit, etc?
Particular critiques:
>"You knwo just of that my friend"
Typo there, obvs
>"In this world there are two types, alive or dead, light and dark, but most of all. There is good and evil."
Is the character meant to be this pseudo intellectual? Or is this you speaking? Personally I find mouth-piece characters absolutely punchable. You're in the clear, though, if the character is meant to be a shallow thinker, though. The good/evil dichotomy is just old and weak, and the only time I don't roll my eyes into the back of my skull is when it's "handled well" (to use that cheap ass buzzphrase).
>"It was some dark stormy night 15 years ago, I know of it so well."
In, "I know of it so well", the *of* and *so* make it sound awkward, like the character's first language isn't English. Thought I'd bring your attention to that.
>"I was in the church, sleeping in the back when I heard loud bangs come from the churchs front door."
>>in the church
>>from the churchs
Redundant "church" at there at the end.
That's some intriguing, mysterious shit, my nigga. And so on and so on.
Is poetry allowed, or is this more prose/etc?
>>8039979
Someone already posted poopery, so I guess whatever.
I'll read some of your stuff once I get home
>>8038836
>>8039868
thanks! I've been reading lovecraft shorts at work, hence the vocabulary and excessive descriptiveness
>>8039294
I think I want it to be a sort of bitter chronicle of history. The writer is definitely biased judging by the Spiritual capitalizations as well, so I think I'm fine with the sermony quality.
thank you for those very specific critiques. the ichor stuff is from my earliest idea of describing right from the start some horrible creatures in the tanks, but I got sidetracked describing circumstances. I'm thinking of ditching it entirely until I've described the gross procedures that cause it.
in hindsight, I definitely agree on omitting the "however". I already just preached on what a "humble" creature would do, and the line really does seem more powerful somehow being just 3 short words.
I'll figure out something to say about your stuff in a while
nudge
>>8036057
please?
>>8039868
readme pls
>>8034758
>My cigarette burned red like a beacon to the heavens; one more soul coming in hot
http://pastebin.com/yMZugY8y
Destroy me.
>>8039868
bumpity bump
>>http://pastebin.com/KvZDygh6
>>8041443
>http://pastebin.com/KvZDygh6
Posting, like, what? less than a hundred hundred fifty words? bit pointless. theres not nearly enough here for a worthwhile criticism
>>8041443
I think you should start by changing the first sentence because I mentally completed it with
>go round and round.
>>8039966
Bumperino
>http://pastebin.com/A58G1cSR
>http://pastebin.com/AnfGZj2H
>>8042303
Here I'll help a little bit. It's all disjointed and hard to read so I didn't read much but here is some crit for you.
>The next morning Kane is so alive he makes me think something is wrong. But then he takes me to the TV and stands there, pointing at the screen but looking at me.
Well first of, your transitions need work.
>The next morning Kane is so alive [note that you should never use "so" as an adverb] he makes me think something is wrong. He takes me to the TV and stands there pointing at the screen while looking at me.
>The news is on. It’s a live car chase. The cars are shooting through the winding roads, looking like the southern suburbs, or maybe the eastern. I don’t know.
I'm just fixing this in a way that is more readible to me.
> ‘Guess who the fuck it is,’ Kane’s saying, rubbing his hands together.
> ‘Uh...’
>I find myself unmoved.
show that you are unmoved, don't just tell.
>I dreamed, again, last night. And in the dream things happened that I can’t remember, but whatever it was I felt in that dream, is what I rode out of sleep with. Just one resolution, I think. Unmoving. And I find myself unmoved, and I know what he will say to it. ‘I know,’ I say.
Ok we understand that you are unmoved, you have established this many times. You haven't shown it, and I don't understand why you have this aside about a dream that, even the character admits, has no real meaning.
I would suggest checking your work for superfluous language.
>>8041703
225 words to be exact
I just wanted to know what mfs thought of what I have so far :/
>>8039966
Its a piece from a story about a vampire who has woken and it is the point of view from the narrator who is a missionaire and he is in discussion with a pastor. Thanks for the critique and sorry for the typos. I got really into it at the time.
A play I wrote. Adapted from a novella
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1omSnMOotYclfi2d-BVRTF-hICBA3_0HiMNG1lSWYbBg/edit?usp=sharing
>>8040776
I like the images and the character. It's relatable, original, relatively fresh. But your language is stilted in a bad way. You're overthinking your syntax. Rewrite this after a couple drinks. Something like this needs a looser feel; it reads like a high schooler doing Dickens when the content needs something a little more modern/postmodern.
>>8034871
A pepe
>>8034871
>discounting the use of language to empower the sense of place
I mean, it was pretty shit in my completely unprofessional opinion, but ways of speaking are a pretty damn good way to bring about a sense of place and if ciggy is what they say where they are, that's what they say
>>8036057
I mean, it honestly isn't bad but it's so edgy and tryhard man.
Here's my attempt:
I fucked a girl on top of a grave
I came
Thinking of all the dead I'd
Never save
>>8036057
Not too bad, sounds like you're reaching a bit too hard to be poetic.
Mine
I was born in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn in 1916 to a Sicilian immigrant mother and an American-born metalworker father. Poverty wasn’t an option in Benson; it was an affliction that affected us all, and a nasty one at that. Mothers threw weak children whom they couldn’t feed into the streets as if they were crippled mutts; the children who were unable to find some source of sustenance became pariahs, ostracized by families who wept arid and malnourished tears, were slowly driven mad by hunger pangs, and set out on heathenous missions, stripping bare the bones of stray dogs and robbing the old and weary. Not being ignorant to the fate awaiting me should I be unable to provide for myself, I began, at the age of 5, to shoplift bread from a bakery no more than a few blocks from my family’s apartment on 72nd street. By the time I was thirteen, I had formed a gang of thieves with 3 of my closest friends—Joey, Al, and Barry—we committed petty crimes for the sake of feeding ourselves. It was only a matter of time before the crimes grew more than just robbing bread from closed-down shops. Joey’s father was a drunk, and so, as Joey reasoned that he didn’t need it anymore, Joey swiped his gun from him; the old man never noticed. As the degree of our crimes increased, so did our hunger.
>>8044015
I think this is pretty good & detailed. Some of the sentences went on pretty long, but it seems to fit the style. Can't give too many criticisms beyond that, really.
Here's mine. I'm trying to use words like "I", "me", and "my" as little as possible. If you want the basic premise, it's about a boy who believes he is the last person on earth after the death of his mother.
A song is faintly remembered. Sitting on a stair, its memory comes and goes and floats away in the wind. Mother's guitar is sat on her lap. She sings with loud confidence. "So if you are ever in need, just come and call me." Her hair is yellow'd by the light of the lantern, as it moves behind the neck of the guitar. She continues. "I'll be there right away, riding on the sunset."
Heard something yesterday. Upon inspecting the area where the sound was heard, there was a redden'd rippling of cloth hanging on a twig. Figured it would be best to wait out here. If it was a person, it seems they were watching through the bushes. Wouldn't that be great? Another person. It probably isn't, though. Mother would warn "not to get my hopes up", if she weren't empty.
