What do you think of my poem?
Tangerine queen
with veins full of honey,
having a perfect day.
Dreams of Lou Reed
In her parents' old basement
Mixing doubt with Everclear.
Her eyes were all dropping at dinner time,
Held down by small hooks and fishing line.
The neighborhood clock was dark and slow,
A far off cosmic crime.
Criticism is appreciated (I can take someone telling me it's bad if they have a reason), but be constructive - not a dick.
>>8030944
I don't really like the idea of referencing brands in stuff like this
That's all I have to say
I'm not really into poetry so I don't know what else to say
>>8030963
"Everclear" replaced the line "bourbon and beer", which is not a brand name and has some nice alliteration, but it doesn't make sense for her to be drinking both bourbon AND beer. Maybe it does actually now that I think of it.
>>8030944
>Dreams of Lou Reed
>In her parents' old basement
>Mixing doubt with Everclear.
What is lou doing in her parents basement
Cool what does the last line mean?
A cosmic "level" crime commited by which 3rd Dimensional being?
>>8030944
Remove "having" and just make the third line a new sentence.
Eliminate the second stanza completely (the use of pop culture shit contrasts badly with the rest of the poem).
Remove the "were all" from the first line of the third stanza (to add more emphasis to the alliteration). And remove the "down" and "small" from the second line (for the same reason).
>>8031301
By the way, when I say "just make the third line a new sentence", I mean do this
"Tangerine queen
with veins full of honey.
A perfect day."
I don't mean write a completely new sentence.
>>8030944
I too, listened to Perfect Day and was inspired to write poetry.
>>8031354
It's about my girlfriend's older sister who is a heroin addict
Her name is Clementine, since the tangerine thing. You didn't ask, but I'm just sharing
>>8030944
I dont know much about poetry.
But I know what I like
I like:
Me gustas cuando callas porque estas como ausente
And I don't like your poetry.
>>8030944
>Her eyes were all dropping at dinner time,
i think you mean drooping?
in any case i'm sure you can find a more satisfying way to say this
"her eyes drooped in her dinner" or something
and i think you want a verb more like 'dragged' than 'held' in the beginning of the next line.
you've got some nice things happening here but the poem is very opaque without your heroin girl backstory
>>8031423
>>Her eyes were all dropping at dinner time,
>i think you mean drooping?
пoкaтилиcь глaзa coбaчьи зoлoтыми звeздaми в cнeг lol
it's yesenin, 'the eyes of the dog rolled down to the snow like golden stars'
>>8031445
ok i'm not a fucking foreigner so i'm not even goin to look up what the fuck yesenin is who are you writing for anyway
that dog shit is indecipherable, is it supposed to mean something or is it out of context or what
i'm letting you know man, if you keep "dropping" it will sound like a mistake because in english the idiomatic phrase goes "drooping eyes" if you want to ignore that it's on you but as is you aren't communicating anything aside from a lack of education
>>8031489
im not the op, idiot
>>8030944
Mind if I add some poemage for a critique?
Butt butt
She said what?
My God my God my God
She has got a killer bod
Butt butt butt butt
I'm about to nut
My God my God my God
Spooge
really the stupidity of this board how it became is astonishing
just today, one can't tell whitman from housman while pretending that he read whitman, another doesn't know who yesenin is, and literally everybody is literally retarded to random references
>>8030944
by the time i got to the 2nd stanza I started saying this is gay out loud
>>8031167
and is he listening to Everclear or drinking Everclear?
>>8031511
look only faggots give a shit about poetry you have to have made rock bottom your home to give a fuck about 20th century russian lyric poets especially your bullshit behind the hand snickering in-joke-with-yourself cuntishness
why don't you go make yourself useful like everyone else who spends their time wisely enough not to get your faggy references and suck a couple sweaty sticky grandpa cocks, faggot
*hits bong*
>>8031510
Cricket's legs like twin violin bows
Embracing after years apart
A glittery pool of water at the epicenter of a garden brimming with faintly glowing flowers
A drowning speck inside a sparkle
An ant astray and afloat
Dying on a peaceful night
Moonlight shines on the brittle body
Cosmic pity, perhaps
Very near a child wanders
Lost dirty and starving
Guided by a prying glow
Through all the leaves
Hopefully back home
There's too many references to Lou. Homage is subtle
>>8031525
sniffs
good stuff btw
Stop trying to make beat poetry happen.
>>8030944
only thing i could think of
>>8030944
nice
>>8031489
Dropping is better than drooping imo. Drooping in that context is just a plain adjective (and a cliche). Not poetry. Dropping brings in other associations, adds a dimension.
Herion isnt cool, faggot
