https://drive.google.com/open?id=1-DnLPfDs8_eKn-y1u7x5P0CVUzuDfAouZLLvKZ99kxc
heres my story for an english project. post yours
lana is so qt :3
>>8015405
Now I know the age old saying goes: 'correlation does not mean causation', but you just gave my grandmother cancer
>>8015405
i didnt understand that shit at all
My scarf roja, lanar y cálida
that is wrapped around my throat
is a noose that ties me to the gibbet-lintel
of propriety. I rip it off;
it flutters in the wind like the wing of a blackbird
that bats with all his strength, and lets the wind
underwing for that he can fly away:
un punto negro en vista azul.
With one hand I hold the scarf high above my head
as the other grips the handle of the bicycle
and it catches the wind roaring in its playground
that is encircled by clouds
and it does a dance for that it hails its passing.
I loosen my grip, or the wind is too strong,
but my scarf, the wing, the noose,
un revuelo rojo en la vista azul
it slips my grasp and is lost forever
in the tumbling wildness of the Tierra del Fuego.
http://pastebin.com/pwtgJVv6
Please critique my writing style, especially the battle sequence. I'd like pointers how to write well the first time to minimize editing, how to avoid being too wordy, et cetera.
I will bookmark this thread so if you critique me I can give you one back. Just post yours in teh same post.
>>8017078
Yeah I ctrl-Fed the catalog, it's not my fault critique wasn't anywhere in the OP or title.
>>8015405
Zero paragraphs in and fragmented sentences out the ass. But hey, what they miss in sentence structure they make up in being gaudy as shit.
>>8015405
> Impossibly intelligent gelatins that roll around, speaking in perfect English, using abstruse vocabulary; their voices underlaid with some low electronic hum.
This is decent, rest is whack though.
> Internally, he sought praise and status for his technological savvy, but he merely coasted by in his computer science courses.
Can you demonstrate this instead of just saying some shit about his character? maybe have a scene of him dicking aruond in CS class cause fuck that shit and I want to masturbate?:
> On the brink of perspiration, he arrived at the door of his Sociology class 24 minutes early.
“Jevandy, you’re early! An auspicious occasion, to be sure,” called out Mr. Garfoyle. An adjunct lecturer at Reed College, Davis Garfoyle was Jevandy’s uncle. He had worked there for 17 years, but various transgressions kept him from a higher academic rank.
No one gives a fuck about this shit when you lay it at our feet first thing in. First of all, no one is on the "brink" of perspiration. Say he's on the brink of panic, or something like that.
> He strode swiftly, weaving through the scatter of bodies. The miracle of perambulation. One foot in front of the other, forever.
No one gives a fuck if he strides "swiftly" its a useless adverb get rid of it.
Get rid of that middle sentence it sounds gay and pretentious as fuck.
The last sentence would make more sense if he was actually on a death match instead of the way to his classroom.
> Facebook messages of yearning to female professors. Performing behavioral studies on his pupils without them knowing. Fierce invectives directed at unlucky students--these were particularly unsettling, given his usually sunny disposition. Notwithstanding his more troubling quirks, he was an excellent teacher with a fierce intellect. His pedagogical verve simultaneously endangered his career and staved off his termination.
Again, stop dumping this shit on us at once. Put this in a separate doc and slowly reveal stuff. If you dump all this shit on us about your characters we will give even less of a fuck abotu them than we already don't.
Make him say something useful
Stop using so many big words, this is fedora-tier crap.
> An overlong pause followed the guffaw.
You don't need this shit. Say "silence followed his laughter." Using overly long words to sound smart is a product of SAT cancer that turns possibly decent writers into full blown autists who DO NOT KNOW HOW TO USE WORDS CORRECTLY. HOLY SHIT I READ COLLEGE STUDENTS BLOGS AND YOU CAN TELL THEY ARE THESAURUS SCANNING
> Looking slowly around the room, a pall came over the man.
Stop saying "slowly." That is my guilty word as well. Just say he looked around the room. Who gives a fuck how fast he did it. That way when it actually matters the word "slowly" still ahs some impact rather than meaning nothing from overuse
I hope this is helpful and I am not being too harsh. really your shitty writing isnt your fault, it's more shitty teachers that teach you to write retardedly while giving you shitty authors to read and make it sound like good writing means using words wrong like some reverse-1984 retardation match up.
I like the bird character. She is cool. But then it descends into philosophical wankery and your clever ending gets lost in it.
This might have potential to be entertaining particularly since I don't know what the fuck the twist is supposed to be and it intrigues me. But it needs to be rewritten in a lot of placse
Also who gives a fuck about that professor if he never shows up again? it's just filler. Fuck that in a short story.
Also is your gf named Katie?
>>8015405
Your prose is too ugly to swallow and the story has no development, I only read because you posted Lana...
>>8015425
I love how she first tried to get famous as "lizzy grant". then the record company said this will never work and told her to get plastic surgery and change her name and sound lol.
>>8015405
ditch the thesaurus and stop making the most asinine things sounds so purple and "deep". Like "On the brink of perspiration". Just say he was about to sweat, there's nothing intrinsically deep or beautiful about sweating, so don't try and make there out to be
Tone it back on the exposition of the aliens or whatever. You're writing a novel, not a fucking scientific textbook or essay here
Act I: In which our protagonist Leopold Garnet III learns that he is not (as previously foretold) the reincarnation of a 2nd century BCE Suebian warchief.
The temperature was approximately 498 degrees Rankine on Leopold Garnett III's 16th birthday, and accompanying this was a rather stubborn and gusty wind that was not to subside for another sixteenth of a fortnight. Because of this, Leopold's traditional ex-uterine anniversary party was held inside his family's palatial manor rather than on its spacious front lawn.
Leopold was just placing a glass containing a sweet gin and tonic up to his lips when a plump girl with blonde braids approached him, at first surreptitiously, but then with confident measured movements that suggested at once both hours of practice and spontaneous intent. The two locked eyes for several millenia, an icy pool of blue spring water meeting the matte black finish of a custom Ford GT. Blonde braids jostled slightly as their owner vocalized the all encompassing emotional range of the Homo Sapiens.
"Hey"
"Hey"
"You're not the reincarnation of a 2nd century BCE Suebian warchief."
"Shoot."
