Put your poems here and plz don't mess with my prose thread you hipster degenerates
>>8002578
>>8002580
http://pastebin.com/Phw496bh
1 its shit
2 funny
3 a let down on the third line/
>4 saying one word 3 times in a haiku
5 fuck off
6 enjoyable
7 fuck off
8 that makes me pity you
9 cute i like this one
10 fuck off
11 stupid
12 replace the first much with something else
13 creep
14 you need to write a story about a man who is sexually attracted to swans and spends his days in central park
15 fuck off
16 stupid
17 good you asshole, making me review all these poems. wow. dickhead. you're so cool. you wrote the laziest form of poem 50 times to tell me that you actually do shit! you think you're creative? you're garbage. this is all stupid garbage.
18 i bet you think you're so clever
19 i don't care
20 nobody likes haikus
21 literally the maximum you can get from a haiku is "ha"
22 lol so epik & randumb
23 you're worse than an ant fuck off
24 you can't read people as well as you think
25 ok that's clever well done
>26 i've never been to the tundra
27 gay
i'm done, stay out of my prose thread you nosefaced tinydick
Each stanza should be 4 lines and the last one, 8, but pastebin moved the words a bit.
http://pastebin.com/raw/QXmErW2G
>>8002599
thanks
>>8002620
I like the images, but it doesn't work as a poem quite yet. The sounds of the words are too unconnected. Read it out loud, record it, play it back. Part of it is that the meter is all fucked up. Compare the syllables of the first line to the second line
>>8002616
I messed up my replies here is some oglaf as a penalty
did someone say haiku?
http://pastebin.com/0C7LbyPa
>>8002792
Some of these aren't haikus. I love your use of language in these. This is what thesauruses are for. These are stark and evocative. Well done
>>8002630
Thank you, the imagery was fun to work with. Did you read my footnote? I really meant for this to be experimental. I didn't want it to follow metric footing but more musical construction--where each line acts as a bar, and each stanza, a verse. If you read it almost like prose, but with a slight pause at each line break into a capital letter, it should have a time, or flow.
>>8003056
It's experimental. But I tested it out with someone I know, I they started hearing it. I'm just really trying to do something different and make it work.
http://postmetakolsti.tumblr.com/post/143759456465/its-349-am-and-i-guess-thats-implicit
>>8003193
>communal bathroom room
Perfect
At first I was hoping that the parenthetical remarks could be read as two seperate poems which combine into one.m, it works for most of the first stanza. As is, I'm reading it as a poem for many voices.
Ya kno as its own line is sweet
This is the blogger who popularized the parenthetical poem, right? Not a mimic? I always feel like poems are meant to be read aloud. I wonder how you'd distinguish verbally between parentheses and the main text. Maybe speed up the pace the deeper the parentheses? Or louder, more energetic ?
>going into rhyming verse in the middle of a poem
I've always felt it was amateur but it kinda works here. Don't know who this is referencing. If you slip into rhyme, you've gotta commit to it. Give the rhyming lines purpose and don't sort of slide away from it.
God the page took a minute to load I was worried it'd scrub my comments
>>8002518
Who is the semen demon
>>8003056
i don't want to read footnotes in poems.
and i did try reading it out. for example, first line is too long. sets up all the rest of the lines in the first stanza.
also, your final lines in the stanzas are just way too short. i want to say like two more sylables every time i reach the end of a stanza.
Lightening doesn't make sense as a weird joke
Here is my attempt
Baskets fell off the shelves
releasing apples all around
I bit into one and spit it out
too sour damned wild
north american apple trees
>>8003254
this is great until the last line. add one more fact about the apples, or where you dropped them, or who saw you drop them to get that final gut punch in. poetry at short lengths becomes an efficiency game. if anything in the line had some strong assonance with the rest of the poem, it'd be forgivable and might actually add something good to it. as is... not so much.
>>8002792
>not op, but he shouldn't be the only critic
1-3
13-15
31-33
43-45
49-51
Those are the best, and are really great. I fucking love the first one and the one of the snowflake.
But even half of those aren't actually haikus, only the format. The ones that are as that, are only good in a bad way.
>>8003248
>the first line is too long
It sets the time of 4 beats per measure (it-was-snowing in-summer I-couldn't believe-it.) The following line should feel short but the time spent saying it should be the same since the syllables are so contrasting along with the alliteration; it is still 4 beats. But I can see how that's iffy, and might change that.
The short lines:
>inspiring a sightless quest
>where I pace along my everyday
>why I wore nice shoes
Are all downbeats, and should feel like they fall off. Just as the last line of the last stanza has 8 beats and sounds poppy to relate to the narrator flying out of the woods and the weeds popping up. But it's all still in time.
Honestly, you saying that lightening doesn't make sense (I never said it was a joke, but a strange image) makes me take your critique less serious. It's very fitting to the theme and imagery there.
Still, I'm not saying any of this to be rude. Just explaining myself. I'll probably edit a few things based on your critique. Thank you very much for your time and words.
I'll look over your work in the other thread when I have more time tonight.
"What are you, some kind of pirate?"
"Aye," he says, "that's what I am."
He tugs his eyepatch, now self-conscious,
and goes back to his rack of lamb.
"What's a pirate doing dining?
Where's your parrot, pirate man?"
He drops his fork now, all dramatic,
and sits up straight as best he can.
"I'll have ye know I dine here often.
Now quit yer asking, Peter Pan."
Sure enough, I am a fairy,
and he has hooks instead of hands.
"Your quips are apt," I say, admiring,
"May I join your pirate band?"
He looks me down, one eye espying,
one eye agog to hear my plan.
"If ye leave me to my dining,
when we sail at dawn, ye can."
At last fulfilled! my boyhood dream
to join a scurvy pirate clan,
and I shall never want for aught,
when I sail the seas with Pirate Stan.
Grauhesch leers from his chamber, unbidden,
as we slink the shade of his view, unseen.
Grey king abed in his prison, unchained—
as our fear far stricter bids us silent.
That courtly mock: a wrinkled brow in thought,
repeated in bulbous and reaching flesh,
scornful wet facsimile of our own.
What hubris took hold and drove us here—
to cower before the insensate?
Long severed and silenced and bound but still,
the echo remains and shackles in turn.
Foul prophet those mouthless lines to lay,
not in mist and shadow but statute and stone.
What fault is this but ours, and ours alone?
The Albanian survivors praise Enver Hoxha with less irony than usual
As they hid in their communist built bunkers from nuclear fallout.
Two teenagers huddle inside a concrete dome.
So fantasizes the lone man sitting in the Cold War artifact
On a sunny day.
He wonders why the two teenagers make love in the apocalypse.
He already knows the answer.
They don’t want to be alone. Separate from one another and their world.
Just like he is, right then.
What an easy thing to fix for them, who being ignorant of themselves
And each other
Can use their imagination to believe they are not apart at all.
As he runs his hand across the rough grey wall, he thinks
That will never be enough. It can only take them so far.
If they want their love to be founded in truth
They must understand
And proclaim: “Yes! I am in you! And you are in me!
We belong to one another!
For I have looked inside each heart and found it to be so!”
But for a man whose only resource is a beat-up boombox
There is an even simpler solution.
For how can you feel separate from the world
When, for a moment, you can find all the world in yourself?
Which is precisely what happens
When the lone man moves his body to the beat
Like he’s the only man on Earth,
And sings out implicitly:
“I am afraid of being alone!
But courage is such a beautiful thing!”
hello i am las'quanka denebulis the third
i saw a white man
kicking his heels, waiting for some trouble to stir up the field
coffee and donuts make up every other meal
i saw a black man
tossing some hoops, smoking some green but you know it aint a big deal
living for the moment not causing any fuss
i saw a white man
rolling up in time to catch the boys walking the line
ya know if they were any other color it'd just be a fine
i saw a black man
asking his business, wondering what he'd done to warrant this visit
used to get into trouble but you know he didn't do nothing
i saw a white man
yelling a bunch, i'd quote him but i don't like to cuss
getting up in their faces then aiming his shot
i saw a black man
hitting the pavement, blood running red hot
that lead that hit him hit him like a bus
i saw a white man
acting all innocent with those crocodile tears, justifying murder
ya know that is some bullshit
#blacklivesmatter
nigger sucked my balls in a long walk trip
he said my nigga if you go to 4chans don't wear no trips,
dont fuck no traps, HIV,
dont screw wit cats or ya will get meme'd,
The nigga then said, DO YOU GOT AN ID,
i said why you ask, looked in my wallet and didn't see
he had taken my bike and all my possesions,
that's whatchu get when with black cock, you are obsession.
Just, NO! You need to fuck off, Mum.
Pain.
So much fucking pain.
JUST.
These words,
I never thought I'd utter.
But my wife,
She's taken all my clutter.
O'Donnell!
The role of a life time.
But beyond the pales of the Egyptian past.
It goes to the alimony, every dime.
I guess
I'm too drunk
To form coherent sentences
Or verse
Or verse
Or prose
Are Friday nights
Meant for friendship
Or meandering
Mead met with
Fresh lips
On Friday's Eve
I think I've done
A good enough job
Of paying my dues
Of showing my face
Of writing my ere long done do does dids
Anni snaps me
On Friday nights
When she's out with friends
And I am home alone
I Am Better Than you
__________
I
Have
No friends
Possess
No lover
Live
Alone with several others
You
Waste
Time in bars and beds
Ruin
Skin in warm sun
Descend
In a contented lull
__________
>>8004964
Haikus are of nature-- not that explicitly can't be. But they aren't technically haikus. They're supposed to have a simple elegance to them, as they are an homage to the natural:
Cool, soft, summer's breeze
Carries whispers through the trees
Singing so gently
The pants,
tenaciously and continually brought anew
with bright white stiches,
grew wrathful at the socks with holes in it.
They were not patched up and
made to suffer.
They were allowed and
emboldened
to embrace death.
Not flipped over and turned to britches.
Twenty years passed,
and at least fourscore socks,
yet the pants had life unending.
Year after year of
untied buttons plopping
to the ground,
and mother returning them to their rightful throne.
Did not they understand the
torment
of being pants,
or were the intentions that of a sociopath,
to use
and abuse
without relent
or a droplet of empathy.
>>8002518
>hey, /b/, name my band
>>8005527
poster here;
I forgot to specify, some of these are senryu (themed around observations on human nature instead of nature nature). But they're some of my earlier attempts at experimenting with whether none-traditional tones and subjects could be approached (like the skyglow one).
Regarding syllables, the 5-7-5 rule as a definition of haiku is more a misconception, especially in non-Japanese languages. But personally, I like to apply the rule "5-7-5 maximum", because it keeps brevity-- an essential point.
thank you guys a lot for the critiques, I'm glad you like them
>>8002518
http://pastebin.com/eCt7KmdV
doctor, doctor
i'm going mad
this is the worst
day i've ever had
