Rate the first paragraph of my short story.
In the same vein as all ghost stories, a story of spook, or terrible tale of fright, this begins like every other: with innocence. With arrogance. With hubris. Within a quite average house. In the heart of Siberia where the white wind always howls is where it begins. Yet, what preludes this tale is a train ride to deposit a madman. For only three people come to this village: convicts, convicts’ guards, and the brutally insane
>>7983959
2/10 cheesy and forced af
good god I wish hemingyway spawned some imitators.
>>7983965
How would you fix it?
>>7983959
Sounds like an intro to an episode of the Twilight Zone.
>>7983982
get rid of everything except the last sentence.
Only three people come to this village: convicts, guards, and the brutally insane
I don't know who the madman is or why the narrator knows he's on the train. and I don't know if this train is heading in the village. clear that up.
>>7983959
Like the ghost stories I read as a child, this one contains innocence, arrogance... hubris. In an average house in the heart of Siberia, I heard the train pull into the station. Only three types of people come to this village: convicts, guards, and the insane.
FTFY
>>7984006
That's just as awful as the OP.
>>7983959
You're supposed to show this! Dont tell! This is creative writing 101
>>7984006
this is worse
>>7983976
this is what the takeaway for this thread should be. OP we don't give a fuck about your descriptions. cut the fucking chase. is the narrator in this village? how does he know the madman (change that fucking name) is on a train?
>deposit
>convicts guards
>brutally insane
>In the same vein as all ghost stories, a story of spook, or terrible tale of fright, this begins like every other: with innocence. With arrogance. With hubris.
your very first complete thought is purple prose
Its not as bad as everyone is saying, its old school but there are writers who did that sort of thing, its only worth anything if the follow up gives what was described though
"Only three people come to this village: convicts, guards, and the insane." is your opener.
But if you're this hackish, you need to go read some books on this, such as "The First 50 Pages".
>a story of spook
contrived
>with innocence. With arrogance. With hubris. Within a quite average house.
contrived
>begins like every other
cliche phrase, create original images in the reader's mind
>In the heart of Siberia where the white wind always howls is where it begins.
this is not a good sentence
>Yet, what preludes this tale is a train ride to deposit a madman.
contrived, useless sentence given the foreshadowing of the following one.
>For only three people come to this village: convicts, convicts’ guards, and the brutally insane
don't start your sentences with "For". you aren't le epic illustrious storyteller.
let me guess the madman is the narrator?
Not to meme on you but I cringed
