What is the first sentence of that book you're working on, anon?
Her asshole glistened in the moonlight.
>>7907388
When we found our Chinaman dead in that desert, nobody had much to say about it.
Don't call me Ishmael.
I'm doing Moby Dick with the intention of saying the opposite of everything in it in the hope that there is some wisdom to unlock in it
"What is the first sentence of that book you're working on, anon?" OP asked.
He knew the book would be in large print, but when he opened it he was nonetheless disgusted that the print was so large that it might as well be braille.
>>7907388
I am seated in an imageboard, surrounded by memes and shitposts.
>>7907292
>>7907388
Cheap coffee.
It's a short sentence.
>select all images with coffee
What is this.
>>7907407
That's autistic.
>>7907552
Cheap coffee isn't a sentence, you monkey.
Dad died today. Or maybe yesterday, I can't be sure.
Dad came back.
>>7907584
It is. It does lack a predicate, but it's still a sentence, you smartass.
>>7907654
I hope this is a joke.
I always start whatever I write with a number
![Gay_qawbly[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/iMh1rHQ.jpg "Gay_qawbly[1].jpg")
>>7907671
An it wafs party time
Feverishly, Tarquin Featherbuckle cast off his pantaloons, cleansing the focal points of his mind for vengeance-fuelled anal smorgasbord about to commence.
>>7907580
you're autistic m8
>>7907700
No you
The starry eyed farmboy with a destiny united with his transgendered dark-skinned companion to adventure to the outskirts of the dystopian young adult scifi world in which they lived.
>>7907672
Sentence require a complete clause
>>7907654
Papa*, not Dad.
>>7907388
Who is Jack Grey?
>>7907728
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sentence_clause_structure
"Musalah held her child tight as the waves battered the dingy. "mama, will we be safe in Europe?", little Abdulla whimpered. She could not answer because she knew herself that this was a desperate journey."
>yfw I actually have been paid to write a novel about a """Syrian""" family illegally coming to Europe.
It's called "Illegal" and should be done in a month or two. I am also Jewish if any stupid /pol/ bigots want to know.
I'm writer
>>7907678
It is. I reworded it from a book like some other ones from people here.
>>7907521
"nonetheless" can this meme die? This word is disgusting. "He knew the book's print would be large, but when he opened it he was disgusted to see that the print was so thick that it might as well have been braille."
I had no sense of space or time.
>>7907388
Greetings.
>>7907832
Well memed
I, Nathaniel Cromwell, write this last will of mine with my full mental capacity and - wich is more important- with a pure heart.
Origninally in german, and yes, it's intended to sound generic.
He tried cracking his egg on the edge of a stove, but it only made things worse, as the shell got cracked like a spiderweb, and he had to crush open the egg, above the bowl, but little pieces of the shell got in the bowl, and he knew, he just knew, that it is going to be one of those days.
>>7907388
Not entirely sure yet, but knowing me it'll probably be something like:
You stupid fucking wanker!
>>7908235
really, really clunky
It all came too soon.
This has never happened to me before, I swear!
>>7908235
I'd split that into at least two or three sentences. Even then I still don't like it.
There was a low mist
>>7908235
Sudden and uncomfortable. Divide it into at very least two sentences and consider adding something before it.
"Beautifully built, isn't it?"
A screaming comes across the sky.
>>7908793
Oh god dude give up now.
Stacy, plump butt, mulled again, came to him staring, baring a bologna sandwich Amir in his blazer licked raw.
>>7907546
An arse comes farting across the sky. It boldly and loudly makes the following proclamation:no discernible talent
>>7908919
interesting, energetic and frenetic
>>7908793
Once they've got you making the right shitposts, they don't need to worry about the answers
>>7908766
I kind of want to read this now
>>7908761
Pretty simple, but this could be to your advantage.
>>7908727
A bit corny to be honest.
>>7908711
Also a little bit cliche, like something they could say at the beginning of a Scooby Doo episode.
>>7908235
Too much repetition, ends on a cliche which cheapens the tone, clunky and long, please consider revising.
>>7907966
Sounds very classic, quite imposing, makes me want to read it to tell the truth
>>7907895
This could work, but make sure what you write doesn't assume the existence of space or time on a fundamental level or they'll just seem like empty useless words meant for effect and nothing more.
My own:
There he is, sat by the edge of the Lake Garda water, all my future lovers.
>>7908919
do the whole thing and I bet people would fawn over it
A scre- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
>>7907709
LeGuin pls go
>>7907521
ewww vomit vomit cough cough fuk
Bedroom.
All right, all right, novel, let's go, first sentence, let's set the scene, get the reader intrigued, it's gonna be famous one day, like Dickens and Melville, nobody's read it but everybody knows the opening line because it's so famous and this is it: bahh.
Adrenaline pumped through me with each passing swerve around the corner made by the armoured van
>>7907388
I should have known I was going to eventually end up in a situation like this, I just didn't expect it right here and right now, that's for sure.
>>7909119
Cut the "that's for sure".
>>7909119
It's cleaner
I wept slowly into the toilet paper smeared with fecal matter.
The fact that women have vaginas fucks me up daily.
>>7909235
The bird ripped open its talons as I looked up. "No bird please no" I screamed in unlimited terror as it took my eyes.
The book is called "A Call to Romance".
>>7907394
kek
Agent Nick Steel traced along the balcony's edge in the pitch black night, secretly hoping he wasn't gay.
>>7909262
Oops didn't mean to quote that guy. Anyway, my book will be finished by the month's end.
"Inshallah, brothers. Purge the world of infidels!"
I hope this path succeeds.
If you've never met a truly charismatic person, consider yourself lucky.
Looking for a way to make it more powerful but that's the basic idea.
>>7907832
That's your OPENING line? I hope they're not paying you too much.
But I'm guessing you're just lying for replies.
You are now manually breathing, bitch.
>>7907388
I actually went with something 75% olfactory and 25% spinning lights in lieu of a first sentence composed of words. The exact nature of the smell part is proprietary (although I'll tell you it involves peet moss and a new plastic bottle), but if you're sitting in front of a light source you can simulate the light part for yourself by facing the light source and then moving your eyes back and forth rapidly. I don't know, this opening sentence might not be /lit/ in the strictest sense.
>>7907394
Lol
>>7909262
>The bird ripped open its talons
A bird's talons don't "rip" open, they just open.
>as I looked up
Pretty pointless. We already know there's a bird there, and it's self-explanatory the character was already seeing the bird.
>"No bird please no"
Yikes. Cheesy, and awkward. I suggest "No bird, PLEASE no!" at the minimum, but you should change the line entirely.
>I screamed in unlimited terror as it took my eyes
"unlimited terror" doesn't do much for me. It's not bad, but meh. "As it took my eyes" kind of dulls the terror of it, you're better off with something more interesting like "stole my eyes", or following that up with a comma describing the blood coming out of the sockets so it packs a punch.
I stood invisible, hidden among the passing crowds, feeling utterly alone.
I'm not actually writing anything and I don't ever plan to, just wanted to see if I could come up with anything interesting.
"What am I doing?"
It will be one of two.
Either:
"The letter was pushed beneath the door while Isaac slept."
Or:
"Isaac stared dimly at the envelope sitting on the doormat. 'I can't deal with this shit right now,' he sighed."
I realize it's not super compelling one way or the other, but OP asked for the first line and I'm having trouble expressing in the first line that the letter is intended for Isaac's dead brother Samuel without it feeling contrived or trite or poorly executed.
"But most of all, I'm doing this because Subway no longer offers 5-dollar footlongs," James wrote, finishing up his suicide letter.
>>7909465
I wouldn't continue reading if I came upon this first line book in a store. Sorry, anon.
>>7909478
Please tell me this is for real. I would buy this book in half a heartbeat.
>>7907832
>I am also Jewish if any stupid /pol/ bigots want to know.
I caught myself canoodling on the beach.
I remember how innocuous it all started, nothing astray, no medical anomalies, no bad aura, no foreshadowing, not even a symbol of bad luck to be seen. Nothing.
>>7909485
Absolutely. This book is coming straight from the heart.
>>7907388
The moonlight began to gleam off the blades of longgrass as the clouds gave way
Fantasy epic I'm working on. I'm a prologue and three chapters in. What do you think of this as the first sentence?
>>7909503
Bless you.
>>7909493
>the animufag thinks he can beat anyone up
>>7909512
Some may disagree with me, but I have never liked when stories of any variety begin with a description of weather. The sentence isn't bad in technical terms, just a bit clunky.
>>7909516
I'm a relatively novice writer, so most of my work can be summarized as clunky haha. I'm trying to just dash through a first draft before editing though, I'll put some effort into making the writing smoother once I have a full frame down on paper. Thanks for the constructive criticism, anon!
>>7909512
awkward but you can save it
Try reading it aloud and work a variation, here's my take
>The moonlight gleamed on the longrass as the clouds parted ways.
>>7908919
Have a (You).
>>7909522
Keep it up! There are no writers who can say they weren't a novice at some point.
"Riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs."
>>7907388
There's something special about getting to spend a night with a dead man. It's even more unique when it's your father.
>>7909536
>There's something romantic about getting to spend a night with a dead man. It's even more unique when it's your father.
Sets the tone perfectly.
Cyril never thought he'd be this happy for a sack of water, but it hurt just holding it.
>>7909536
This is interesting. Gives a fair portion of characterization right off the bat, with that nasty-delicious hook first lines need. I'd keep reading if the book were in my hands.
>>7909539
no no no, that's the mother section of the book
Lieutenant Hunter “Flint” Cutter fought hard against the hum of the engines.
>>7909525
Actually love this take on it! Do you mind if I use it anon?
His heart roaring, he stood and listened. When the noise came, he nearly cried with joy. He hadn't heard a woman's scream in two months.
>>7907388
>>7909554
lol knock yourself out
>>7909534
Garbage. You'll never make it big.
>>7907546
<333 DFW <333
Red and white, the Tyrant’s blood on the floor, lit by a false sun.
>>7909587
Thx anon! I know this is a minimal detail, but I just thought that new structure for the phrase was perfect and couldn't ignore it lol.
On the eastern side of New Mexico, just some miles before the border into Texas, lives a small county under the name of Quay.
>>7909614
Hey you posted this in a previous thread.
I think I'm even the one who suggested you cut it down to this iteration.
I like it.
5/9/1947
"The Union of Eastern Europa Republics hereby announces the formal acceptance of the Heilig Kaiserlich Reich request for a unconditional surrender. Soldiers who have devoted yourselves to the Motherland throughout this Six-year-long war, this is a victory won through your blood and sacrifice!!"
One fine morning in the month of May an elegant young horsewoman might have been riding a handsome sorrel mare along the flowery avenues of the Bois de Boulogne.
>>7909623
Lol thanks anon butIts the exact same line from last time, unchanged.
Right now I find it hard to edit without taking away its punch, but honestly I have a bigger concern.
In the same story I'm considering using flashbacks, the line you just read is the beginning of the first flashback. The issue is that the entire series of flashbacks can honestly stand on its own as a full story arc, and although I have them arranged fairly well within the present day stuff, I notice the flashback opening packs far more punch than my present-time opening which is here >>7909540
So I'm wondering, should I tell the story linearly or keep going with the intertwining, both lines compliment each other very well thematically so I'm hesitating on separating them. Another concern is length, I want to be compact when I can since its shaping up to be a meaty story, the whole of it being part 1 of 2.
>>7909653
No kidding. I really thought it was a lot clunkier last time but maybe that's just my fatigued mind fucking with me.
Many subsidized years later, as he faced the collage selection committee, ETA graduate Hal Incandenza was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover mold.
>>7907388
"Heaven is in my heart and I want to sing of the pleasures of paradise."
Hamlet: Who's there?
IJ: I am
Me: I am who?
I'm doing a parody of Infinite Jest
His life had passed by in a week.
>>7909753
ditch the 'had' and its moving
"Fucking ass vaginas!" said the shit-brained assistant manager.
>>7909758
He's dead.
The beef curtains ascended.
Oh but you would brand him incompetent if it were not for his earnest belief in that which had most recently taken his fancy.
Once upon a time.
>>7909813
>not "Whence astride a moment"
The black circles around the colour of her eyes had faded, with her face still young as there was a noise from shallow underground next to the fire.
It's for a finnish fantasy-mythology that I'll release in maybe 10 years or so.
The waves bore back again, down, below the earth, in a realm betwixt old Abzu, salt and sea, seeds of The Legacy of Totalitarianism in a Tundra.
>>7909853
Two sentences are better, since the black circles "fading" is a process while the noise is instant. It's strange to to 'as' to connect the two ideas when they're not really occurring at the exact same time.
The black circles around the color of her eyes had faded, her face still young. A noise came from the shallow underground next to the fire.
>>7909917
The only thing about using a word like 'betwixt' is you better be able to hold up the old-English vocab for how ever many pages your book lasts. I like it a lot though, you should post more.
>>7909364
"If you've never met a truly charismatic person, at least you have met luck."
???
idk
It was almost dusk ???, a small town situated next to a local beach that was now empty and shabby looking at this hour.
Haven't thought of the towns name yet hence the '?'s
>>7910022
in ???*
Last night, the spiders came back as we sat by the fire and watched.
>>7909403
Being conscious of automatic breathing is a joy.
"Attica, you have been avenged."
as far as i'm concerned it started with an awards ceremony in [x], although maybe it started with an agonizing home-birth in [y] with a father high as a fucking kite on methampthetine punching holes in the wall inside, or maybe it started with mirandization, where every word you utter will either be discounted or used to incriminate you
>>7909785
i genuinely love this
"Fuck. Vaginas. No, I'm tired and I don't give a shit about how are you, you know? *sniff* And so on. And so on. And so on. And so on. But I think it's bullshit, you know -- anyone can be a socialist, no? I am for communishm," splattered Zizek to his increasingly irritated audience.
>>7909985
That does actually sound better now thatI think of it, thanks
>>7909564
et tu, puppy.
>>7910013
kek I like it
A god or a demon came to us as we slept.
>>7909534
Go to bed James.
I fell over and all that remained was moonlight
>>7909039
Haha good one, but how does it smell, just curios haha lol.
I haven't had the blessing of a painful farewell.
>>7909985
>I like it a lot though, you should post more.
It's already a book, written by /lit/. "Kolsti in the Everglades."
>>7911238
>>7907709
so TRIGGERED by your RACIST SEXIST insubordination
>>7909265
underrated
I used to read the Bible everyday. Could never figure out why I always read it; maybe it was out of habit or maybe it was just because I was told it was the right thing to do.
>pic related
>>7910067
>splattered
maximum overkek
>>7911483
*tipping increases*
Haha, so you opened me :)
>>7911475
With a name like Nick Steel you just know he's a flamer.
'Out Of The Past' was the name of the store, and its products consisted of memories: what was prosaic and even vulgar to one generation had been transmuted by the mere passing of years to a status at once magical and also camp.
Plumply, Fuckbuckle Monaghan went up the escalator, balancing a bowl of porridge in which a Magic 8-Ball floated listlessly.
Working on a historical novel set in Sweden during the 800's what do you think /lit/? I'm still polishing some of the text and trying to find out what my own style is like.
The grass was wet and the morning was unusually cold when the freemen walked up to the rock waiting for Karl the lawspeaker. I knew that my family had a hopeless case at the thing against someone as powerful as Jarl Ulfur. My father looked at me and said "don't worry Sven, with the other farmers supporting us the Jarl will see the error of his ways and abandon his claim, I'm sure of it." His optimism was admirable given the circumstances, and it was true that many of the other farmers in Visby supported us. But alongside Visby's fading fortunes in trade, so had the honour and generosity of the Jarl been stripped away over the years.
The faculty clock rang twice sending a clangor into the room.
>>7911740
I like it. Maybe try: The faculty clock rung twice sending clangor through the room. Just a suggestion man.
It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.
>>7907388
nah
The "U" in the title of Ulysses formed a wicked, Cheshire cat smile, as if to taunt or smugly rub in my face that it would sit forever on my shelf, untouched, gathering eons of dust.
Thousands upon thousands of tiny knives rained upon me, blinding and cutting me as the bastard wind howled, mocking my misfortune. The desert is a cruel bitch.
A boy falls in love with a girl.
>>7911730
That sounds incredibly dry. What makes that time period appealing to you anyway?
>>7911730
tfw no (you)'s, plz /lit/ tell me what you think
JesuswentintothedarktombofLazarusandraisedhimfromthedead.
>>7911848
Don't know, just the language and the way people lived I guess. Any tips for making it less dry? Should I add more descriptions?
A red car rolls silently down the street.
>>7907886
"stop using this word, I don't like it"
test
>>7907388
"I felt desire and fear when I found his face, covered with cigarette smoke, staring at me"
Translated from turkish (badly too)
"A distant sonorous foghorn crept, hung in resonance over the moonlit sound; wakes and icy, rolling waves tinted as dark green glass by the low moon, tide glimmering like city lights on barely translucent, worn windows of an ancient tired cathedral."
>>7907388
She was never much to look at in life, and death had done her no favors.
>>7912236
have you eve heard a foghorn?
they do not creep.
also it seems like you're trying too hard to write a really great sentence by packing in lotsa "poetic" visual description. But it's too much. the reader drowns
>>7912298
Yeah I know it's not very good.
I could've posted my best first sentence but I was trying to be honest to the thread
For the record I could hear foghorns linger for a solid 40 second when I lived in Cali
People ask me if i still live in my dead grandfather's house.
>>7912043
You passed. Congrats.
>>7912236
Good selection of words, but seems like overkill with the amount packed into that sentence. But in fairness, this thread is only about opening sentences so it probably wouldn't need to as packed if you had the rest of the story to showcase your writing. Nice work.
Deciding to speak up about the way my Dennis was shaping my face, I feel that I set him in a mood of irritance. Dennis was a good barber, but I could never project my brilliance of want into his mind.
"This is my period, yes, my period, more solid than liquid, and it's on this plate, look at it, look at it closely."
>>7907388
"There's a ravenous beast, lurking just beneath the skin -- I can feel it."
Rate my intro please. I wrote this back in 6th grade.
Back in the county, we didn’t have those high flying jets, long distance satellites or those hypersonic aircraft. On the farm, we did manage to scrap up some material to build us an antenna mount. Looked like somebody had twisted rusted barbed wire into a knotted maze and tossed it up onto the roof – thing scared away the birds. The vehicles putted around on dented roads, swiveling like cars on the derby, killing us slowly with their elegant diesel fumes. I remember listening to the birds calling to us in the morning, finishing my breakfast occupying a classic Westport chair. By rush hour they’d be dropping dead from the branches.
>>7912336
I can't see this as an opening line, but I want to read more
>>7908944
Yours is gay.
>>7912344
I wrote it in 10 minutes off the top of my mind without any story in mind. I'd love to write more. But thanks.
Blasphemy behind the rising gate, sun radiant, of a cold, untimely grave wherein baptism of uncleanliness dwell; that was the lot of the times then.
Hibiscus, Lavender, Lilies... The flower shop reminded me of my mother and how she'd lay a bouquet of the finest pruned Roses next to my father as he grew more ill by the day. That filthy rodent nigger of a mailman poisoned him with Anthrax instead of his usual bill statement.
>>7912343
I meant 9th grade. Damn it's been a while.
>>7912587
Literally so bad
>>7912591
:(
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VKFEvoiPN78guLpd75IOC6FO3r5MeKBKDATdhfLPnh0/edit?usp=sharing
Full story. I wanted to do SO much more with it. My teacher made me add a reason we wanted to go to Mars. Best I could think of was drone tech. being acquired.. I don't like that part.
>>7912602
Here's a tip:
Write something new, ninth grade you isn't good at writing
>>7912605
It was twenty years ago come to think of that shit.
>>7912607
why would you share something you wrote 20 years ago and feel no shame about it? Sometimes I read the shit I used to write as a teenager and have to delete it right away and that was only 5 years ago
I was inspired yesterday to try and write for the first time, this is what I came up with -
http://pastebin.com/bYB3Usnv
Please tell me if I should stop now.
>>7907388
Within the niggermen, there was a question of the solstice.
What makes an opening sentence good?
Sturvant's been having a tough time relaxing lately.
>>7912640
>>7912674
Generates Intrigue and highlights/exemplifies authorship style so the reader can get a feel for what they're getting into.
Should have some relation to the overall themes of the book
It can also just start if you don't want to get too fancy with it but a strong opener will help your books marketability and will make people like it way more.
>>7912676
Is that a thumbs up, keep going?
>>7912687
Never stop.
>>7911730
As other people have said, you're better off not starting with describing the weather. Weather is boring. Talk about what it looks like outside later unless it's really invaluable to the scene (inside of a volcano, perhaps).
>His optimish was admirable given the circumstances
No need to spell this out, let it be subtext. The character's dialogue/actions will let the reader know he's optimistic.
>>7909564
write tight pupper
>>7912640
You have a lot of potential, but something about the entire piece just feels entirely pretentious, thesaurus'd and fake. As in,you and I both know you couldn't write 300 pages of that in the same style with a good story. Keep writing, but don't be so self-serving in your narratives, you're writing to possible entertain someone else, not impress yourself with how smart you can sound.
>>7912904
wannabe Gass t b h
>>7912904
Well it's not that I was trying to sound smart as much as I was trying not to sound as stupid as I usually do.
I added in another paragraph, is this style better? -
http://pastebin.com/ky95Jd28
>>7912909
I'm new to reading, hadn't heard of him until your message.
>>7912925
Same guy here. Here is a good quote from "How NOT to write a novel: "It is not necessary to give us a play-by-play of your protagonist's every passing flicker of emotion. These emotions in themselves, furthermore, do not constitute action in a scene. They may be spurs to action in a scene, or reactions to events in a scene, but if they overwhelm the action, what you have is not a scene but an encounter session.
Basically what you have here is way too much setup in each sentence to get your point across. It's called purple prose. It is absolutely a good thing to be concise. Your writing calls way too much attention to itself that it's hard to even pay attention to the story.
>>7907407
Can you please post a paragraph
>>7912971
Alright thank you I think I understand what you're saying.
How though, can you paint a vivid picture without fully describing it? If I know what I want people to read into the text how can I make them do while leaving it up to their imagination?
>>7907580
It could be interesting- that is, if he had anything to say and wasn't hoping pseuds woulddesperately contrive some stupid shit from it; which, of course, will undoubtedly happen, elevating it to meme status.
>>7912984
You can paint a vivid picture when it's called for. It's great to be poetic when describing a mountain, or the beauty of a woman, or the sight of a pile of bodies, but if you stuff that same "poetry" into a simple dialogue back-and-fourth, or an opening monologue, that's where you start having purple prose. Let the characters talk (and make sure they're varying degrees of clever/intelligent, you need idiots to contrast brilliance). Try to avoid things like 'he decried'. Stephen King once said that "he said/she said" is divine, and I absolutely agree. There are definitely times to use alternatives, but "said" keeps the book moving and the pages flipping.
>>7912992
Ah okay, thank you again. I was wary of using he/she said out of fear of it sounding just "meh".
>>7907388
riverrun
>>7912904
>You have a lot of potential...
This is why this board will forever be shit.
>>7913037
post your work
>>7908919
toppest kek
>>7912904
Didn't sound thesaurus'd to me.
>>7907388
Nothing is. A plane of existence apriori to all, heavy with submaterial substance. Inversions of Plato’s ideal as shadow forms that move in large and weighty silences.
>>7913043
This is such a disgusting implication that criticizing work on the internet has to be prefaced with the scrutiny on one's own work. And then - do you have to follow up with your own work, when you invariably shit on mine? Fuck you idiot. I've posted my stuff plenty of times.
>>7913029
How shit do you think my writing was?
I started a story that is based in the vaguest sense on the Welsh myth "Branwen ferch Llyr". I'd love some feedback
http://pastebin.com/Rq3hVAKW
>>7913076
Then you should have no problem doing it again, here I'll start with bit of my own.
>The door was red, and even warm from the scent - rust and mold. I pulled the handle and opened to a dark space. With no light I waited out, hoping the lamp behind me would provide some angle of its own pure but fading insight. After a while the light seemed to bleed red into the shadow itself - violent gradations. I knew I couldn't wait.
IMO without a sample of your own work everything you say is suspect. That's common sense. Why even get offended?
>>7913098
No, NOTHING I'm saying is suspect, because if you read what I'm posting it's all pretty standard advice for writing fiction. If you have something to call out about a specific piece of advice I gave, then go for it, but don't simply reply with "post your work" like a fucking 12-year-old on the playground who hears "X musician is bad" and follows up with, "Oh yeah? Let's see YOU write a good song!".
>>7913115
lol I just wanted to see your work. Should i have asked nicer?
>>7913115
>because if you read what I'm posting it's all pretty standard advice for writing fiction.
Its not what you say, its what you do.
>>7913078
A lot of shit. Doesn't mean I think you should stop writing. I think that dude needs to stop criticism.
>>7913159
What needs changing about how I write?
Reading this thread makes it obvious that none of you autistic pseudo-intellectual faggots will amount to anything or write anything worthwhile
>>7913170
needs to stop
>>7913078
Hi, I'm >>7913098
I'll say for starters that the opening wasn't doing you any favors. As the opening there was no objective or indication on where this thing was even going, but as soon as it was done things started to look tangible with Thomas at the table, but where is he? Who is he interacting with? Why not label him as Thomas from the start so we know he's thinking these things, and why?
Definitely keep writing, we all started off shit, but definitely read more too. You'll notice the best writers always take the time to set the stage with clarity and precision as to where the story is headed.
Have you read Lolita, or at least the first few pages? Thats a good example of starting off all high-winded while making clear what your premise is. What you have is not the absolutely worst start, your prose is functional, but content-wise its very disjointed and unclear. Words in a vacuum.
Also, Have you read any books on writing? I'll recommend Gardner's Art of Fiction as a starterpack. It helps iron out tons of beginner mistakes while providing much for further study.
>>7913214
Thank you for the feedback I'll take it on board. Embarrassing as it is to say, i've never read a novel. I'll definitely start reading the type of literature I'm trying to write haha.
I only really read philosophy because that's where my interest has always been.
Posting my work in this thread was a mistake.
>>7913214
I was purposely trying to keep it a mystery as to who he was talking to and why, i'm not sure for what reason I was doing that though
>>7913239
Why? Because you realized how horrible everyone here is at writing or because you realized how horrible everyone here is at writing and your own is even worse?
>>7913252
Christ. Just kill the poor bastard.
>>7909650
Fucking
Well memed bruh
>>7907832
Let the last sentence of the book be - "you have to go back"
kike
>>7913241
I would think about the situation and the overall direction of the story, where you want to take it, and then decide if you would prefer to have the recipient be anonymous or not.
With refined technique I think you'll be able to pull off the effect, but as of now its extremely rough and even unclear that he's speaking to anyone at all. You would at least want some indication that there's an audience, but not necessarily do a full exposure - characterize them as being anonymous, if you get my drift..
All that's ahead now is reading, study and practice, good luck anon. Remember to have fun with it.
>>7913273
Yeah I think I have some idea of how you could do that. Thank you very much for the feedback and the other anon too.
Time to practice.
>>7913265
Part of this whole show is to weed out the faggots who can't take criticism and bantz. They don't deserve their place in history if they can't keep going, despite hardship and resistance.
Come on, anon. You know better than that.
>>7907388
Kneeling down beside the once proud woman, who lay helplessly on all fours shaking in fear, Rick whispered into her ear in a calm soothing voice. "Do you want to know what I did with the women I've captured before?"
Have you ever been punched by a fictional character?it's a fanfiction
He opened his eyes for the last time and blinked, five seconds later he died.
>>7912992
>Stephen King once said
Pleb alert.
>>7913280
Nah, kill yourself
>>7913115
The standard advice is given for and by pleb fucks who aspire to write the next airport fiction bestseller that'll make them a million bucks. Fuck you and your standard advice.
>>7914116
Unnecessarily confusing, and grammatically incorrect
>>7914426
Of course it would be confusing without the next lines but that's not the point of this thread
>>7913280
>"""""criticism"""""
>from randoms on an Armenian Armchair Association
Yeah, nah. Eat a dick, homie.
She thought of her dad. It was the worst time to do it, but she couldn't help it. She thought of his dead, cold body. And she hid her tears in the speed of the moment.
>>7914984
Link it.
It was around the time when I walked about the town, derided and deprived, this town that leaves no man behind without a mark
>>7914474
that's the spirit, son
Marcus contemplated suicide at the sight of his slight yet apparent receding hairline.
