Opening paragraph to something I'm writing, can I get some feedback. Also post your own stuff.
The sun bleeds into the sands, sinking lower into the ground with each labored breath, until it is no more. As it’s life force rises in great invisible waves of heat the earth cries softly as each inch freezes over. The darkness that remains behind is greater than what preceded it, mighty and loathsome, nipping at the moon's heels with a greedy mouth. Beneath the saguaro, the small animals bed down, waiting and hoping that the darkness will not find them in their holes and snuff them out. Outside, he Bobcat cries out in anguish, for all of his friends have gone. He does not know that in the morning it will all be reborn, so he weeps for the fallen day.
Pic unrelated
>>7890861
Really like it.
Is it a novel? Seems more like a poem to me, a good one at that
May be a comment on me but I don't understand what is actually going on here despite it sounding pretty.
"As it’s life force rises in great invisible waves of heat the earth cries softly as each inch freezes over. The darkness that remains behind is greater than what preceded it, mighty and loathsome, nipping at the moon's heels with a greedy mouth."
>>7890861
Tries so hard to be good it falls flat on its face and fails. Chill out, dude. You aren't good enough to have to worry about the originality or virtuosity of your writing, so, for now, work on your content, your ideas; plump up your writing before you plume it.
you paint the scene very well but seem to go just past the point of it coming off as try-hard. first sentence for instance would be great if "with each labored breath" was taken out. I dunno wtf that means and is more distracting than anything.
It's fun, but unsuitable (imo) for a novel. Like it's said above, it sounds like you're trying too hard. This type of description would be better suited for poetry. A novel shouldn't be a workout just to decipher what's happening. You've tried too hard to be creatively descriptive and lost us. It's not bad though, don't get me wrong. But if I cracked open a good sized book and read a couple paragraphs like that, I would be tempted to set it down and never touch it again.
>>7890861
im a bit buzzed so im going to try and retool your opening with what little context I have.
Bleeding out above the southern sands, the Sun sinks lower and lower into Mother Earth which each heaving of his great chest; no longer able by his own power to stoke the cavernous furnace burning in his belly, the Sun's last rays of light spill out across the desert, and his stolid embrace grows ever dimmer. After the Sun's life has left him, and he has been interred, a shiver of sadness comes across old Mother Earth, reminding her that in the absence of her Sun, her heart is cold. There exists an uneasy calm about the land where the Sun once stood, its weary inhabitants are anxious over what their new dark future may hold. Small-minded creatures they are, knowing little of the continuous cycle of death and rebirth which governs their mortal existences. Daylight will once again come to illuminate the saguaro, but not every creature shall live to bear witness.
>>7890861
As an opening paragraph, I don't like it. Not to say the writing isn't well done, if a little over-sold, but it is plot neutral. I have no idea why any of the words I read have meaning because they're said without a frame of thought.
My own poor attempt-
...Anonymous
04/05/16(Tue)20:28:07 No.677872261
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I want to do something meaningful with my life, but know that will never happen. Not because I'm lazy, which is true, lack of compelling vision, also true, or want of glory. I'll never live a meaningful life because I've been conditioned, like a dog, against it. Working your life away to prove something to people who's respect you don't need, but endlessly want; the lifestyle that affords comfort and insurance against the lows of life, and the constant harassment of my mind by a culture that values false individuality above contentment.
Maybe this is all deflecting, a way to pass responsibility off my shoulders, and in part it is. But I cannot help but sense the same desperate loneliness in those around me.
To be a slave is to be denied freedom by the hand of those above you, and a slave I am; to my own desires, cultivated carefully amidst a culture that promotes hedonism as a moral compass and vice as style.
The future seems bleak to me, and this acceptance of circumstance darkens the forecast. How do I save myself?
>>7890923
Crab in a bucket if i ever saw one
>>7891174
I wouldn't call emphasizing the importance of content over style being a "crab in a bucket," especially when the style really isn't much to look at; but, if you want to keep on stroking his ego and making sure he makes the same mistake in the future, go ahead.
>>7891222
You're really not going to get much content out of a first paragraph thread, what exactly were you expecting?
He can make his words nice and pretty, thats a decent perk to start with.
>>7890861
>it's
just quit already
>>7890861
>The sun bleeds into the sands, sinking lower into the ground
Did you mean deeper?
>with each labored breath
Sun breaths?
>As it’s life force rises
"It is" life force?
>in great invisible waves of heat the earth cries softly as each inch freezes over
Heatwaves freeze stuff nowadays?
>Outside, he Bobcat cries out in anguish,
His name is bobcat? Is he a bobcat?
