Semana Santa edition
CHE
>>7869388
mijo, pero la semana santa ya pasó. dios ya murió y resucitó y se volvió a morir
>>7869399
Resucitó de entre los muertos. Subió a los cielos, y está sentado a la derecha de Dios, Padre todopoderoso. Desde allí ha de venir a juzgar a vivos y muertos.
Borges is overrated.
http://pastebin.com/vZPVeNnB
Tu coño es mi drogaTu coño es mi drogaTu coño es mi drogaTu coño es mi drogaTu coño es mi drogaTu coño es mi drogaTu coño es mi drogaTu coño es mi drogaTu coño es mi drogaTu coño es mi drogaTu coño es mi droga
>>7869778
That it's not trap, but trampa.
> No pretendo zanjar el debate con mis ideas particulares. Esto, en realidad, no es más que una provocación para el lector —decida usted y no espere declaraciones dogmáticas en lo que resta de artículo— y una forma de decir que entre las diversas estirpes de la fauna literaria están los que opinan que toda escritura es un acto moral, una toma de postura.Supongo que hay algo de verdad en eso porque desentenderse del mundo y de sus predicamentos es tarea vana incluso para un hikikomori que ya no ve noticias ni lee el periódico pero que da consejos de escritura. Que detrás del acto de tomar la pluma esté implícita una visión personal de la realidad no equivale a decir que todo cuento, novela o personaje es una declaración de principios. Y, sin embargo, esto que me parece tan evidente suele no serlo a los ojos de muchos críticos y lectores. Lo que es peor, el miedo a dar una imagen equivocadade uno mismo —o mostrarse tal y cual se es sin el velo de las expectativas— suele imponer cotos sobre la creación y a este cerco se le conoce como autocensura.
http://plumaenaccion.com/el-miedo-y-la-autocensura/
pa q queres saber eho???
io no puedoooooooo!!!
>>7869491
You've posted this one before, but now you've changed the ending, could that be? If so, then go back, because for some reason I can't shake the idea that this story had a better ending the last time, even if I can't remember it.
Any progress on getting published?
>>7869906
Zzzzz
>>7869388
Favourite Spanish translation for the New Testament? Going with RV here.
>>7870294
>Zzzzz
Pleb.
>>7870294
>>7870294
I only added the TV thing to the ending and rewrote some sentences along the whole text.
I remember I once talked abou wanting to get published in one of these threads. It's a long term desire at its best tho. I've been writing fiction only since September of 2015 and I'm still 19. Let's say I would like to get published before 25. Right now what I'm trying to do is improving my writing, reading a shitton, getting ideas/abilities and, eventually, testing myself with some contests.
Es el realismo magico un mal meme y/n?
>>7869420
Nah, yo bitch ass is overrated.
El Bumpo.
>>7869906
Se podría haber dicho lo mismo en un par de párrafos, sin aturullar al lector con citas y menciones y con menos florituras. No es un tema lo suficientemente interesante, atractivo o sugerente como para compensar las ínfulas que te gastas.
>>7871615
>aturullar
>ínfulas
La niebla de Luxemburgo, espesa como un edredón, impedía ver el edificio a más de diez metros de distancia. Ubicado en un páramo a las afueras de la ciudad, estaba rodeado de grúas, zanjas y barro. El último agricultor había vendido sus campos de mostaza antes del invierno: los surcos y las flores amarillas ya no formaban parte del paisaje enlodado. Grandes carteles ubicados al pie de la carretera anunciaban promociones de viviendas, bloques de oficinas de próxima construcción y un centro comercial, pero el único edificio hasta ahora era el gigante de cristal y acero con forma de H que se escondía entre la calígine y en el que se habían encendido pocas luces a esas horas de la mañana. La noche empezaba a vencer: los días ya eran más largos, aunque el frío no cedía (todavía se podían encontrar algunos rescoldos de nieve en los rincones de penumbra).
>>7872181
pleyebos cagaos
>>7872181
¿Qué?
>>7872187
Esa es una descripción bastante estándar. ¿Y qué pasó luego?
>>7871063
Well, that's precisely what feels out of place, the TV comment.
Keep on working, you've got good material on your hands.
>>7870361
Boo-hoo, someone got butthurt I didn't praise his special rant on matters nobody cares about.
>>7872187
>espesa como un edredón
>edredón
Christ no. Shit comparison.
>estaba
What, or who?
>calígine
No. Pick another word.
>a esas horas de la mañana. La noche
What time of the day are we at? This sudden jumps feels entirely out of place.
>La noche empezaba a vencer: los días eran más largos
No fucking sense in this sentence. If the night is winning it's because the days are getting shorter.
Those parentheses make no sense either.
___
Writing feels clumsy, torpid. The connection between the sentences too artificial.
We get the idea, you're throwing some vignetes at us portraying different pictures of the life (or lack of) in the city, as if it were the opening scene of a movie.
However, there's no space to breathe in between these; it's a poorly cut recollection of takes that attempt but don't manage to convey a sense of unity.
It's not terrible however, if you work on it you can make it good, but drop the pretensions.
>>7872908
>Well, that's precisely what feels out of place, the TV comment.
>Keep on working, you've got good material on your hands.
Thx mate, I'll take your advice into account.
Why don't you post some of you're writing? I'm curious, you're pretty much the only one who posts critiques in these threads.
>>7873066
Well, for one, because like you said, I don't see many people offering any constructive criticism.
And also, because I don't really have anything I could consider finished.
This is the one closest to completion, but it's still needing some work:
http://pastebin.com/czAs0xq0
I only write poetry for now; the only times I've delved into prose these last years has been for mandatory essays and the like.
>>7871083
Lee a Miguel Ángel Asturias, nena.
>>7872187
No destaca en lo absoluto, pero no está mal. 5/10
>>7873227
Cool. Don't really know about poetry so my critique won't matter shit, but I liked the writing of this one.
How long have you been writing?
Me han aconsejado cambiar el tiempo y la persona de esta historia. Aquí van los primeros párrafos.
http://pastebin.com/EVt0vpZt
>>7873315
not bad... que mas pasa?, hacia donde va la historia?... o lo que sea
>>7869388
>http://pastebin.com/vZPVeNnB
decid lo que querais, leed hasta cuando podais.
>>7873765
http://pastebin.com/J67p3vqa
>>7873315
tu post me dio cancer testicular
>>7873295
Thanks, but don't underestimate yourself, even without knowing much about poetry you can still give advice according to how you
feel about the piece, and perhaps specifically because of that, you can also give a point of view from outside that could be of
use.
For whatever it's worth, if it helps to understand it's reason to be, that poem despite the loose shape, does actually have
meter and rhyme; only it's broken throughout to leave space for the other devices at work, namely:
The lack of punctuation and clear divisions was my idea to give the lines a sense of flow and overlapping akin to the movement
of the waters. For example, take the first two lines and they could be separated as
>ante mi las aguas de un río pardo agita el viento
>el viento frío brama (y) estalla en lluvias
>lluvias de astillas contra,
etc., all along the poem.
The reason for "se alza" to be separated in such a way is to break the flow of the line, to give a moment for the reader to
breathe, to stop time for a second and feel the rising of the waters.
Now if all of this does work or not the way I intended it... well, only someone that's not me could give me such an opinion.
It's probably one of the last pieces of free or experimental form I'll be making for now, I'm starting to fall back to rather traditional ways.
The part that bothers me the most so far is the repetition of the word "oleaje" so close near the end, but I can't come up with
a proper substitute yet, so any suggestions will be taken into consideration.
As for the question: Same than painting, which is for as long as I can remember. I've always been reading and writing.
Nowadays I rarely write in paper though, I'm more given into improvisation for my own amusement, which is why my output is little if any.
____
>>7873262
Not him, but I just googled the author and it seems quite interesting. Appreciate the data.
____
>>7873315
>el escenario
la escena, you mean?`
> apoyados sobre sus cantos y dispuestos uno detrás de otro
Unnecesary information, we can already picture that when you tell us they're in boxes. Which by the way, telling us whether
they're plastic or cardboard brings nothing to the table, the word box already assumes those qualities usually, and more given
the context where they're brought in and their contents. You're begining with a long sentence already, so try to synthesize this
kind of information not to bore us before you start with your story.
>(esta selección suele tener bastante de azaroso)
what the hell are you talking about, this makes no sense
>escudriñar sus fundas y
>mediante un análisis de la funda del vinilo
Twice the same idea, one straight after the other, and for what I'm taking such repetition serves no real purpose, so take one of the two out.
1/2
>>7874314
2/2
No point going on, as the same corrections apply for the rest of the story; you repeated the term "siete años" several times, you contradict yourself between the terms canción and música ligera... your writing's not bad at all, and the tale captured my attention, but you're too sloppy; pay more attention and check it over more closely.
____
>>7873771
Only read the first part as I'm kind of tired by now, and am not too fond of reading for long stretches from a screen.
It's a pretty peculiar and interesting choice of format you have here, and I think it actually works in transmiting the idea of what's happening -perhaps even better than a traditional approach would do in this case-, but shit like this
>toooooooo
>y cristales de las guaguas y aajaja, no se explicarlo bien
Come across as completely retarded. Though perhaps that's how you want us to feel about the narrator? The subject matter does feel kind of vapid and idiotic, as if seen from the mind of a teenager.
Anyways, I'll read it all tomorrow and give a proper veredict on the text.
_____
As usual for everybody: it might be good, bad, or totally worthless; but if anything, know at least that I'm trying to do my best to be helpful and as honest as I can with my critiques.
Now, wouldn't it be nice if you assholes did the same for everyone else rather than just posting your drafts and expecting opinions from others without any contribution from your part?
Mi pene corria por sus praderas en su luna
Oh, bello trasero delicado relieve esculpido en suavidad y belleza
Oh pero que desliz, que leve susurrar de sus hojas en mi pequeña ramilla
Has anyone ever noticed that Derrida is a lot easier to read in Spanish than in English? Makes me wish I just knew French would be a lot easier. Shouldn't be too hard to learn though, right?
>>7874393
>Oh pero que desliz, que leve susurrar de sus hojas en mi pequeña ramilla
This actually cracked me up.
>>7874413
Knowing Spanish and English already, no, it won't be too hard to learn to read French.
Talking however... damn ain't that shit hard.
Whatever the case, know beforehand that it's gonna take a couple of years for you to be acquainted with the language to the point of reading and interpreting everything naturally, but it's definitely worth it.
Bump antes de que esto muera
Poco a poco, las abstracciones adoptaban formas reconocibles: dos cuerpos de poliestireno, pálidos a contraluz: desobedeciendo al referente: destituidos de su inercia, aunque inocuos a la carne. Ocho extremidades imberbes, retorcidas, como un solífugo albino, agonizante, sobre la seda de su propio génesis. Desde la calle, yo observaba.
El arácnido sui generis era, a intervalos, uno en dos, dos en uno, como gotas de semen suspendidas en una lámpara de lava. Se fundían y, en seguida, se emancipaban. Sus superficies lustrosas refractaban la luz, imposibilitando la transparencia de sus pieles carentes de sexo, de placer o dolor. Cogían, sin embargo, sin bocas y sin tacto. Era un sexo anhedónico: inútil, infatuado. No obstante, su ritual quirúrgico creaba expectativa.
>>7874314
About Miguel Ángel Asturias, he has a collection of short narrations called "Leyendas de Guatemala". I think it's pretty representative of his generals style, in case you don't want to start reading one of his longer works.
It's mostly Magical realism, one of the first writers of the movement, actually.
>>7876823
eso está muy bien tio, (como gotas de semen suspendidas en una lámpara de lava, me gusta).
pero tambien tiene un punto frio y casi clínico, porque ... lo pregunto de forma mas o menos abierta... por que a muchos narradores actuales les gusta ese punto acéptico y como... frío.
es una pregunta totalmente abierta, si no consideras frio lo que has escrito no pasa nada.
>>7876823
Me gusta el quiebre que provoca la palabra cogían. Le da impacto al lector sobre la estética y la perspectiva del narrador hasta ese punto. Iba a decir, antes de llegar a esa parte, que era todo muy estático (y estético), pero con esa palabra logras un quiebre interesante, anon. Muy buen trabajo ahí.
oie zi
>>7873227
>río pardo
estara contaminado.
Si que les gusta ese adjetivo "pardo" a los ibericos.
Contribuiré al hilo que no había estado así de vivo en meses
Planeaba escribirle más a la historia, pero parece que ha alcanzado un final que me convence.
http://pastebin.com/v2pPy6RV
No sé por qué, pero me gusta escribir en pequeñas partes. Cualquier crítica es bienvenida
>>7877615
>Agustin Ayala
por un momento pense que era mujer por que si lo lees de corrido suena Agustina, fue a proposito ?
>>7877498
i dont know... its just... fun, i suppose
>>7877647
Realmente no, pero sí suena; curiosamente al personaje no le influye mucho el género, podría ser Agustina y se mantiene igual
![ISS008E05983_color_lrg[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/BtN2aCB.jpg "ISS008E05983_color_lrg[1].jpg")
>>7876823
Interesting, nice style. Is this part of a biggger story or just a standalone? In short doses this kind of eyecandy feels great, but in a bigger context could be overbearing.
>>7877528
>río pardo
<pic related
Not a Spaniard.
>>7877615
At one point you changed the name Agustín for Augusto.
You use "hayase" were "hubiese" would be more proper (same happens with some other words).
You randomly change the tenses without any justification for it...
That's what I recall right now after reading, but there's probably more little errors like those strewn around. Revise more carefully.
It's an entertaining read however. Not to my tastes -I found it too maudlin; made me recall the general atmosphere of the late films by Don Hertzfeldt, which I'm not too fond of- , but the reading does carry you along, and the rather simplistic approach combined with the brevity of the chapters works great with the premise of the story, so good job.
I liked your use of words like caramelo across the story, appearing in different occations and morphing its meaning with it.
>>7876836
Yeah, that's the one I downloaded, together with "El Señor Presidente". Not gonnna read them now because there's some books I have to study first, but I added them to my short queue.
>>7877748
>fun
Not for the one doing the reading.
>>7876823
>cronica 8/10
>narrativa 2/10
El lector no es una vagina en la cual puedas depositar toda tu flor catarsica.
Si es muy largo es tedioso, y en cierta medida idiota.
Es como ''"La razón de la sinrazón que a mi razón se hace, de tal manera mi razón...''''
>>7878486
ok
Por que el uso de numeros exactos? La abitacion numero 12, X numero de abortos, Y numero de cabritos,?
No es una critica, solo una duda, Gabo lo hace en 100 ADS.
Lo otro , el uso t abundante de colores en los primeros parrafos. Quizas sea a proposito pero parece que estuvieras gritando "miren que colorida infancia".
Vamos /lit/ juzgadme
>Lienzos de ladrillo contemplaban el pincel del alba. Desde la paleta, la seda azur se coloraba en antracita, difuminándose, deslizándose desde el oriente. La tela se teñía en tonos más claros y amarillentos. El cielo se saturaba de lumbre canaria, con misma suavidad, y entonces el mañana se dejó desvanecer en el punto ubicuo de la existencia sin existir.
lol Ya sea en español o en cualquier otra lengua, veo que hoy en día se toma como escribir el amontonar palabras una tras otra, tratando de buscar una falsa sensación de musicalidad.
Son cosas que se le pasaría a un adolescente, pero si alguien quiere lograr escribir en serio tiene que abandonar esas practicas, ya que esos escritos son lo mismo que una piñata vacía por dentro.
>>7879186
>piñata
Tremendo simil parce
>>7879186
>escribir en serio
>>7879186
Debería existir un hemingwayapp en español, leo demasiada purple prose y ser obtusos porque pueden, la verdad.
>>7878832
There's no beauty in this at all, purely masturbative drivel. Sorry, but I don't see any redeeming qualities in here, all I can say is: try again.
>>7879186
>>7879539
On the seeming lack of content I can agree to some point, but your views on how the aesthethics of literature ought to be seem narrow-minded at best. Purple prose isn't intrinsically bad, it's a tool as valid as any other.
>>7879930
Don't attribute dogma to an opinion. Purple prose is always bad, it's only used for padding and to divert attention from the emptiness of the author's statement. It shows immaturity and insecurity, as if your writing isn't good enough so you cake it in literary make up.
>>7879947
Yet would you deny it serves greatly at its purpose, for example, in the Oxen of the Sun or Ithaca episodes in Ulysses?
I did misunderstand you initially, and now that I get what you meant I do agree in the sense that as long as its use is not deliberate in taking advantage of its failings the appliance can be only detrimental.
As appalling or cringeworthy as it can be, however, I've gotta say that it has some kind of naïve charm in some cases as in some of Poe's or Lovecraft's.
It's still hard to define what truly constitutes purple prose and what doesn't, where does one draw the line.
For example, as I said in my other post, I'd call this
>>7878832
an example of how bad it can get.
However, this one
>>7876823
despite its seeming pretentiousness wouldn't feel out of place at all in a writing akin to Naked Lunch, and could be very enjoyable.
>>7879947
seguramente solo pienses en los casos mas pateticos y forzados y inmaduros de purple prose, por eso piensas asi. pero como dicen arriba, puede ser un recurso si lo utilizas bien. no crees?.
>>7880044
Ejemplos.
>>7880040
>>7879930
I did the >>7878832
Actually, I wanted to write a pretentious little paragraph.
I understand why the insecure call of attention of its writing.
It's cherrying the cake of mud, as you perfectly stated : emotional author's masturbation drivel.
I wrote this just to play with words and showed it because I'm not very confident about showing my powerlevel to /lit/
>>7880455
just to add this nonchalant Wikipedia's citation
>". . .a certain amount of sass to speak up for prose that's rich, succulent and full of novelty. Purple is [widely seen as] immoral, undemocratic and insincere; at best artsy, at worst the exterminating angel of depravity
>>7880160
"Más allá de las llanuras de franela y de las gráficas de asfalto y de los horizontes inclinados de óxido, y más allá del río de color marrón tabaco resguardado por los árboles llorones y salpicado por las monedas de luz de sol que traspasan sus copas para alcanzar la corriente, hasta el lugar que hay detrás del cortavientos, donde los campos sin cultivar bullen ruidosamente a fuego lento bajo el calor matinal: sorgo, quelite cenizo, lambedora, zarzaparrilla, juncia real, higuera del infierno, menta silvestre, diente de león, zacate, muscadinia, repollo espinoso, solidago, hiedra terrestre, abutilón, hierba mora, ambrosía, avena silvestre, algarroba, rusco, habichuelas asilvestradas y remetidas en sus vainas, todas como cabezas meciéndose suavemente bajo una brisa matinal que es como la suave mano de una madre en tu mejilla. Una flecha de estorninos disparada desde el techado del cortavientos. El centelleo de un rocío que jamás se mueve y que se pasa el día soltando vapor. Un girasol, cuatro más, uno de ellos encorvado, y una serie de caballos a lo lejos que están igual de rígidos y quietos que si fueran de juguete. Todos meciendo la cabeza. Los ruidos eléctricos de los insectos atareados. La luz del sol del color de la cerveza y un cielo pálido y volutas de cirros tan altos que no proyectan sombra. Insectos atareados todo el tiempo. Cuarzo y pedernal y esquisto y costras de contrita ferrosa en el granito. Una tierra muy antigua. Mira a tu alrededor. El horizonte tiembla, sin forma. Somos todos hermanos."
>>7881906
>de oxido sobra
>plantas
>todos somos hermanos
6,5/10
>>7880455
>showing my powerlevel to /lit/
Yeah ok, if you say so...
>>7881906
Same than the other guy: chill out with the unnecesary descriptions, dude.
>y de
Jesuschrist, how many times do you have to repeat that
>inclinados
??
>de óxido, y más
Semi-colon, not comma.
>color marrón tabaco
Redundant
All this in just the very first part of a boring and drivelling run-on sentence that tells nothing.
What was the point of this, to illustrate truly how bad purple prose can be?
___
Damn, just googled it and turns out it's from The Pale King. Never read the original, is the translator really that bad at his job or is the original just as awful? I only read Brief Interviews, and while it had its flaws it wasn't THIS bad.
>>7882584
>doubting me
