![MFA[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/56vhY27.jpg "MFA[1].jpg")
Hey /lit/, one day I want to apply for a MFA in creative writing.
Here's a poem I wrote:
Super Market
Halls laid in motely
The fabrics dyed
Tiles of white looking vomit
and racks of white plastic eyes
The sets of products so near to mirrors,
like rivers of watery mercury they scry out
in their varying colors and shines:
"Buy me."
A comely dressed crowd roams the factory
floor, milling about, buying themselves.
How far away from good enough am I?
derivative and boring. imagery is super tryhard. not good.
>>7782405
Work on syntax, imagery, originality. Try to draw from intense personal experience.
>>7782405
"Tiles of white looking vomit"
This conjures absolutely nothing in my mind. Vomit is never white, unless you just drank a ton of milk. Terrible comparison
Surprisingly all of these comments didn't answer my fucking question
>I used the literary device of "Verbal Irony" in my post
>>7782490
Fine then; quite a distance.
>>7782560
I think just "Tiles of white vomit" sounds better desu.
Grace Below
What measly givings I offer,
a ransacked house and a ransacked giver.
The trappings of burnt meat, the residue
of unspent thoughts. An addict with
a glow soft heart, tearing yours apart
and building castles of the seems.
No monster lurks in these ransacked halls,
just the joys of the folly, just the sound of the fall.
>>7782560
bamp for you anon
>>7782591
I used to write like this. Then I started paring everything down and liked it a lot more. you should do the same.
>>7782786
elaborate pairing everything down?
>>7782820
>pairing
get out
>>7782405
*gives you the MFA right away*
>>7782820
Fewer words, more meaning.
You can say what you need to without using so many flowery phrases. If you do wanna keep writing in that style you better max your syntax and imagery skills.
>>7782455
>Vomit is never white, unless you just drank a ton of milk. Terrible comparison
Fucking seriously?
A clean, white sheen that beckons through reflections on the freezer door.
Of sparkling squares of spackled brown stepping stones part grocery floor
To pass a glance through glass will show what waits and knows in silent horror.
Totinos.
>>7782405
No it's bad. There's no rhymes or even resonance between the words.
The word choice is random, each one bearing little to no relation to others in the poem.
The line breaks and rhythm are meaningless, placing emphasis with no thought.
Capitals at starts of some lines and not others.
Awkward and pointless imagery. Comparing a mirror to mercury is terrible. Mercury does not conjure up much in the mind of the reader, no one has got experience with fucking mercury. Can you honestly say that you think people will think, 'wow never thought of a mirror in that way before!'
Plus a tonne of useless words, eg 'white looking vomit' it's a bad comparison anyway, but you don't even need to say looking, because it adds nothing, the reader already knows it's a visual comparison. Any word you can get rid of, get rid of.
There's a lot wrong with it, this is just all I could type at the moment.
>>7782405
Comely is an adjective, not an adverb, so that phrase doesn't make sense unless you wanted to communicate that the crowd was comely and also wanted us to know that they happened to be wearing clothes.
My advice in general would be to stop using words you've never used in conversation in your life. It just reads horribly when the subject matter is something modern. Try to find the poetry in everyday vocabulary.
>>7784448
Poetic language has its place though. Just don't overuse it. It's like a meal made up of only potatoes. Technically okay, but really, just terrible.
However there's always the odd chef that could do a good job.
