Opportunist

Let me tell you my dear
Everything great in life is surrounded by fear
You always have the choice to hide
After all, you are in control of this ride
It’s always safer to stay inside and away
I promise if you decide to stray
There’s going to be some pain
But some moments provide novocaine
The key to this is that life rewards risk
It can always hurt but it’ll be brisk
It’s all about the end game
You can die right now, wouldn’t that be a shame?
So take that leap of faith
Ignore the whispers of the wraith
There’s only one chance to thrive
Take a breath and contrive
It’s okay that you have no immunities
But life only gives you so many opportunities
You’ll never know the amount
Just make sure you make this life count

Experience

Life works in mysterious ways
Sometimes it’s scary cause you can’t see through the haze
People tell you to play it safe to survive
But without a pinch how do you know you’re alive?
It could always be more than a pinch and it could set you ablaze
But please don’t let that fire scare you; so let me rephrase
Don’t let the flame prevent you to thrive
Life experiences are something that you cannot deprive
I know it’s scary, you feel like you can get lost in this maze
Embrace it, take in life’s chances and soak in the rays
Let life take you on its crazy drive
Otherwise you’ll never know how strong you are and what you can survive

Elemental Change

Right now you are fire
And I am gasoline
You are what I desire
But we cannot convene
I only want to help you
But gasoline makes the fire worse
No matter what I do, I’m making the fire brew
When I only meant to make it disperse
The fire will simmer down
Soon my gasoline won’t make you burn
It’ll keep your heart from shutdown
Once our love makes its return
Or maybe our elements will change
We will eventually be able to mold
Possibly something beautiful and strange
But I believe we are the recipe for pure gold

My shooting sunshine

You are a shooting star
How couldn’t I see you from afar?
There’s a million places that you’ll be
Luckily one time it was next to me
But shooting stars take their own course
Can’t change your direction, nothing can be forced
You’re flying through space
For a moment you came by and warmed my face
I’ll never forget that feeling of your presence
Or when I saw you leaving, oh the suspense
I know you’re still as bright as ever
Even though you’re gone that will never sever
Nothing could make me forget my memory
Of how I was so lucky to be on your trajectory
I didn’t even make a wish cause I was in such awe
You were just so perfect, not a single flaw
The good thing is that space is infinite
Isn’t it?
Your path is not yet finished
And this feeling will never be diminished
I’ll hang on to hope that you’ll fly by another day
But for now the memories are on replay
I’ll never forget when you were mine
My personal sunshine
But maybe you aren’t that far
After all, you’re the brightest shooting star.

Reaper

He is watching me breathe
Running his fingers up his sheath
Waiting for me to slip, he grits his teeth

He’s becoming irritable
Everyone’s death is inevitable
Especially when someone’s survival is always questionable

The clock never stops ticking for anyone
There will be a day he will appear to have won
He prepares himself to make your life undone

But you can’t give in to his cold embrace
It may feel like an never ending chase
Just keep on going, and don’t look at his face

“Your life is worth every second”
The Angels beckoned
Your end time is not to be reckoned

This is your life to keep
You may want to quit and weep
But fight on, and don’t let Death reap

Untitled

I may be wasting my time
Imagining us in our prime
And thinking of ways to make this poem rhyme
But maybe this is just a mountain I was meant to climb
Cause to me she is just so sublime

>>7752410
>>7752411
>>7752414
>>7752418
>>7752421
Instead of posting on /lit/ you should make a rap album.

end.

Would love to get some feedback, are they decent?

>>7752428
Honestly, sounds like pop lyrics.

You seem to have the ear but it would be a ton better if you stopped using self-help cliches and banal imagery.

>>7752426
a rap album? I don't think any of these would work as raps lol

>>7752436
They are meant to be simple, I didn't really put too much time into them. I'm a loner, so I've just been using them as self advice. Thanks for the critique though, I'll try to write some more that are more complex.

what other advice could you offer? and what makes you feel like it's a "pop lyric"?

Yeah, these are top 40 'deep' pop lyrics, OP, sorry.
I guess work on your rhymes, imagery and meter. Keep at it

>>7752448
It's shallow, trite and cliched with mostly terrible rhymes.
Like most pop lyrics, but it's not even the fun kind like One Direction, more like the kind that makes you roll your eyes. Again, sorry.

>>7752448
Aim for something greater than self-help. I don't really see the point in saying what most psychology books on the bookshelf say, even if its in rhyme.

Here's a poet that can do simple rhymes but makes it greater.

http://alexsheremet.com/review-now-forgotten-poetry-robert-francis/

The point of poetry is precision, so cut out whatever that merely repeats the theme e.g. for Opportunist whats the difference between the message of line 3-4, 5-6, 7-8, 9-10 which are merely variants or development of the same message, and then it just goes on and on and on and makes it boring. When I read the first 4 lines or so I can feel how its going to end.

>>7752466
yeah I know I was rambling off too much, I was just trying to paint a bigger picture I guess. I try to make them more like songs I guess, but I can't sing so I just write stuff.

i'll work on shortening it all up and getting to the point better.

For example with Opportunist, could I almost chop it up into several separate poems and would that make it better?

>>7752466
For further exemplification, I'll cut yours down into around 10 lines and the message still remains the same. If I can tell more or less the same thing in these few lines, why do I need to go through that whole barrage?

Let me tell you this now my dear
Everything great in life is surrounded by fear

The key to this is that life rewards risk
It can always hurt but it’ll be brisk

It’s all about the ending game
You can die right now, wouldn’t that be a shame?

There’s only one chance, really, to thrive
Take a breath and try to contrive

You’ll never know the end amount
Just make sure you make this life count

>>7752477
>For example with Opportunist, could I almost chop it up into several separate poems and would that make it better?
Not him, but no.
The lines aren't nearly poignant enough to give an emotional response (assuming you're going for 2-4 lines a poem)

>>7752477
My answer would be every one of these poems wouldn't even reach the level of a whimsical rhyming poet like Ogden Nash for now. (for that matter, go read Ogden Nash)

There are no tricks or twists in the theme, no comedy, nor anything to make people feel deeply emotional, and everything has more or less been said before. For now its just fun on your part, but when you add intellect to the fun only then will you start saying new things.

Compare your poem on Death >>7752421
With Dickinson's


Because I could not stop for Death –
He kindly stopped for me –
The Carriage held but just Ourselves –
And Immortality.

We slowly drove – He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For His Civility –

We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess – in the Ring –
We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain –
We passed the Setting Sun –

Or rather – He passed Us –
The Dews drew quivering and Chill –
For only Gossamer, my Gown –
My Tippet – only Tulle –

We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground –
The Roof was scarcely visible –
The Cornice – in the Ground –

Since then – 'tis Centuries – and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses' Heads
Were toward Eternity –

>>7752507
I know I'm no professional poet, I'm just a sad guy expressing himself a bit.

I'll try to make my poems deeper and more intellectual. i literally spent no more than 30 minutes on any of them. I'm sure if i spent a few days trimming them down and making edits following the advice here I could make it decent i suppose

>>7752410
I like this one.

>>7752546
Don't worry. Dickinson also didn't really care about professional poetry. But she kept writing and writing and writing.

Yet I think you should stop writing for a while and try reading more.

>>7752579
yay one fan!

>>7752581
I don't like reading too much, it doesn't really help me cope with my situation at the moment. All of these are just raw emotion immediately spit out into words. It helps me cope somehow.

>>7752546
I'd say try to find interesting juxtapositions or contrasts in your subjects and examine them deeply.