Should I avoid using as?
And, to be clear, I mean it in this sense.
>‘They’ve seen me!’ yelped Beim, stifling a scream as he tried to yank himself up.
It seems incredibly awkward and cheap as a way of putting two actions in a sentence.
That example sentence is an all-around mess, but yeah, "as" doesn't really help its case
>>7687066
I'm not good at English, but just do shit like: " , yanking himself up"
A gerund, I think?
>>7687072
>>7687073
This is the kind of stuff I really struggle with.
Which of the two tweaks works better?
>‘They’ve seen me!’ yelped Beim, stifling a scream. He squeezed the rail and tried yanking himself out of the firing line...
>‘They’ve seen me!’ he stifled a scream and tried yanking himself up to safety.
>>7687091
the first is better
if you wanna use the second, then "He" should start a new sentence
The "as" doesn't always suck, but it sucks here. You also don't need that dialogue tag when you're using that exclamation point. like most readers, I'm a pervert, so "yank himself up" makes me think of masturbation. "Yank" is also incompatible with "stifling a scream". Try this instead:
>"They've seen me!" Beim stifled a cream, rising.
Beim is also a shitty name, personal opinion. Have a good reason for using snowflake names like that.
>>7687572
D'oh, not "yank", "yelp".
>>7687572
>I'm a pervert
>stifling a cream
Wew
