Hey /lit/.
Post the first line of your novel.
>>7414032
Getting out of the swamp was easy, but the crocodile was still alive.
>>7414032
Horny housewife number 1 reached for her terrorist manual.
Born from mental breakdowns with scattered ashes washing off our landscapes with waves of tears and pools of blood curdled and gone sour from days spent lonely and misused, a bastard made of our biggest fears and regrets.
How pretentious, /lit/?
>>7414032
The hand pushes the ash and feeds, feeds, feeds the below for what was meant in times long before the present give no meaning to those without the means to seek by feather of bird or wing or wheel.
>>7414059
bretty fuggin predendous
>triggy diggy
>>7414059
This is nonsense. I would strongly consider rephrasing that whole thing.
Aunt died. Her cat’s name was Jerry. Not so much of a coincidence: my new, second-hand cat’s name is Jerry.
Reality was tinted a different color that day.
>implying i`ll ever get past the first 3 pages : ^ )
Life and death have been in love for longer than we have words to describe. Life sends countless gifts to death, and death keeps them forever.
glass mirror mama forget it, eyes acquiescent breaking the hole.
There were so many witches around my stake began to itch.
>>7414100
up that alcohol intake if you're trying to be Faulkner, are you even fucking trying?
>>7414059
awful
>>7414038
doesn't sound like you have any real artistic goals other than "entertain" but that's fine. At least yours entertains. The other sentences here neither entertain nor do they even get close to the art they pretend to be.
>>7414100
even worse than #1
>>7414138
Aujourd'hui, ma tante est morte. Ou peutetre son chat: elle en a appelle Jerry. Je ne sais pas...
It's not often a political candidate is killed by their own urine.
>>7414138
that's the worst french traduction i have ever red
>>7414152
Ok, I'm just gonna swallow my pride and ask: What does this even mean?
Remy 'C' Bowes woke from a moment of brief respite, dangling between his fingers was the smoldering filter of a cigarette he bummed off of some doorman down on what he remembered as 12th and Wood.
How it fell, the snow, like shards of broken glass, not wounding as it settled on his hands, in his hair, but evaporating, leaving only tears.
It all started when I thought I might be gay.
On the first night of the new year the great black bird visited his dreams.
>>7414032
It was another boring bomb threat weekday.
>>7414050
I'm listening...
>>7414032
'What am I doing?'
>>7414032
The sun shone, having no alternative, on the nothing new.
>>7415176
Decent. Mix in some kind of imagery, and it would be fairly drawing.
I was a fifty-four year old virgin but I'm all right now.
>>7415176
This beckons to me.
>>7415176
Really great stuff, Anon.
>>7414032
The madness of an autumn prairie cold front coming through.
Often, I think I’m about to die.
Staring at the starkly white sheet of paper in his typewriter, John wondered-is it possible to write a novel, even the first sentence of a novel, in such a self-conscious and hyperreflective age?
>>7415200
I am 100$ serious. I think it's a really godot piece of writing.
>>7415200
>beckons
I am
>>7415210
Then read Murphy by Beckett.
>>7415218
You're not the sharpest knife in the drawer m8.
>>7415220
It was easy to miss, tbf
This board is a complete waste of time.
>>7415222
np m8 just a bit of banter.
Dylan winced as he came across yet another opinion that triggered him on 4chan.
>>7415223
that's really the entire point of this website. not quite sure what you expected.
>>7415223
It has potential would definitely need to read more to get the feel.
>>7414050
this sounds interesting. continue
Gossamers anent such pettifogging, grandiloquent odium inexorably engender insuperable maelstroms of crestfallen opprobrium, cant, and seething self-reproach in my visceral demesne. Withal, quash the vocable limitations; ballyhoo all superfluity; exponentiate lexicographical progeny; extol my idiolectic furbelow; and naturally: schtup incalculable inamorata and procure plenteous verdure.
>>7415247
2/10, try harder.
>>7415247
needs more adjectives.
>>7415247
Assiduous vermiculture, surely.
If you're reading this, then you're already dead.
Anal sex was always enjoyable, until I met Rex Sex Hammerseed.
Have you ever empathised with a murderer? As in sat at the cafe waiting on an eggs benny or double shot latte, opened the paper, article on page four, or home on the couch, crime channel on, a fear-soaked show, and the story be a suit killing his banker boss in frustration over a failed merger, or a woman locking her boyfriend in the boot of his car and setting the thing alight, and sat back, reflecting, “you know what, in their position I would have done the same thing”?
>>7414032
injustice is justice within.
>>7415467
That second sentence is too much
>>7415187
this have potential
"No one tells you the thing you lie most will be what kills you."
>>7415555
"No one tells you the thing you LOVE most will be what kills you."
>>7415555
Don't you have another 20 books to work on?
Hands shaking, I logged off 4chan for the final time.
My big ass woke up and I got out the big bed. "GOOD MORNING," I said to the little bird.
Phuc Stevenson was a postman in Mansfield, a suburb of Dallas.
This is me talking to you.
I was lying on the worn-out seats of a train bound for Nirvana.
They say that black men have big dicks. What they don't tell you about is the stink a nigger has when his body's been cooking in the North Florida sun all weekend at the bottom of a ditch. Now I'm not prejudiced, but after 18 years on the force you learn that white corpses just smell better. Something to do with the melatonin content, Jake says.
>>7414032
It was another boring bomb threat weekday. The kids ambled in lines, backpacks slung over shoulders. Cops lugged barricades on to roads with glazed over eyes brought on by rigorous drills. Bull horns bleated evacuation routes like airport bulletins. A girl giggled, and a boy read a book by a New York prophet. Those fucks.
In a dark underground room they chant mantras beneath their breath.
>>7415624
Harrowing, a opening for the book of our times.
I blame myself really.
>>7415700
And what makes you the authority here? I'm doubtful that you could, for one, do better than some of these, and that you have, for two, read much yourself. Why don't you direct us to some "good" prose; divulge to us the secret only you know.
>>7415732
>mad cause he got called out on his terrible prose
also
>I'm doubtful that you could, for one, do better than some of these, and that you have, for two, read much yourself.
That clunky, clunky writing.
You try way too hard senpai.
The only thing sadder than death is a life without memories.
>>7415732
>taking obvious bait
>>7415732
It was obviously his opinion, man. Jesus. Wouldn't you prefer people to actually give their honest opinion?
>>7415765
>takes his writing so seriously that he considers any criticism towards it "bait".
Your writing is never going to improve my man.
>>7415771
>'criticism'
>lol all these sux gg faggots
yes anon, you're the very next bloom
>>7415795
Point me towards your sentence and I will happily tear it apart.
>>7415799
Why don't you just give everyone criticism?
>>7414032
It hurts. I only remember that it hurts. I saw the Hyperion in my dreams again; I was overcome with this persistent but subtle arrest. There, gazing and touching without moving, I felt the shimmer through my bones as the ether of so many cosmic castles. In that moment I wanted to be there, but I can only remember that it hurts.
When the spring saves me from the winter and when its heat warms me from the cold, I'm pulled outside.
it actually goes in a weird direction – also its from a short story
>>7414032
Once^1
^1 A cliche introduction.
>>7415822
It's cliched. Starting the story off with how someone, especially yourself, is going to die.
It also doesn't really make sense.
"Often, I think I'm about to die."
It's like you're making two statements. "Often" would mean it occurs frequently, past scenarios you went through, while "I think I'm about to die" sounds like the present tense and how you feel like you're about to die right then and there.
Really the comma isn't necessary here either. It creates an unnecessary pause.
From your other post it looks like you do that a lot. Maybe stop doing that.
If you expanded on it a little it would be better but right now it's flat.
"... and that's how I ended up here."
As I lay there, still, curled in between my backpack and a snowberry bush, after two weeks wandering through the Alaskan landscape, I can’t help but smile, for it’s the first time I’m living.
>>7415855
thanks anon
i wish i had a 'not bait' image but it's never come up useful before.
"Good news, Timus. Rita killed herself again."
, and in the end, he did die, exactly how he always said he would; like a pigeon hitting a pane of double glazed, ultra translucent window glass; contorted and disfigured and twitchinng in a ball of shit, piss, limbs and blood. I guess life makes pigeons of us all
>>7415879
This aint a cringe thread.
>>7415883
My bad senpai
>>7415875
no need to use 'it' if you're just gonna say 'the snow' after, there's no implication that snow falling on people would wound them so your imagery doesn't engage. leaving only tears sounds corny. it also doesn't tell us anything, by choosing the snow as the subject you make the person it's falling on incidental so he's basically not even there.
imo
It was a dark and stormy night.
Please call me Ishmael, family.
A screaming comes across the porch, from the stairhead, Tommy bearing a bowl of lather on which a pinecone and a toy rocket lay crossed—he sits on the steps surrounded by heads and bodies of characters never to be created, Wallace having quit and thrown himself upon his belt, ha-ha o my, Tommy thinx, don't throw rocks at the thrown, ha-ha.
Melville was my father; call me Ishmael.
The monument appeared in their view, finally, growing taller as they closed the distance to its stone form, and everyone had made it with only headaches and hunger through the constant rain.
First line of my brother's novel. He's waiting for a reply from tor right now
Fucking apples stuck in my fucking asshole and now I can't go poopy!
Call me biblical reference familia, I am from the place down under, specifics matters not, senpai.
>>7416028
It's not bad. Maybe don't start your first sentence off by introducing your character (it's a little overdone) but that's just my opinion.
>>7416103
He's pretty much a side character. I'm going for the Robert Cohn thing.
The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the Norgolian empire.
On June thirteenth, in the year of our Lord Nineteen-eighteen, the forces of Germany signed a stalemate treaty with the nations of France and Britain and brought the Great War to a non-resolution.
>>7414148
This sounds like something my mom would enjoy reading.
>>7414032
Sky yawned before his gaze, noon-heavy andhot with the midday sun. whatever he sought in the blue expanse, whatever miracle dwelled amidst its vaulted heights remained at rest. so he held his head skyward and breathed deep, thirsty for communion with its boundlessness. It was a beautiful, cloudless day.
>>7414032
Out over the ridge, where pine gave out to grass covered fields slowly fading into desert as the sun sutured both in a harsh light, a man sat watching rays rupture through clouds. He was drying: skin cracked along fingers, lips, and cheeks, blood dripping from the fleshy canyons, coagulating above the sand grain smothered pores
>The AH-64 Apache flew me directly to Obama.Upon takeoff the pilot told me this was his first time flying a helicopter. I told him it was my first time hearing that joke. Only one of us was kidding. He landed the helicopter on the South Lawn, upside down, like a Beyblade. I would have died right then and there, but I still have 376 pages to go.
Postmodern, no?
Jack flexed his butt and broke Jim's cock off in his asshole.
>>7416299
kek, some of this is actually good
It was one of those blissful afternoons spent out on the patio, quietly suspended womb-like there in the old hammock, attention free to drift beyond the hard angles of structured life, that I heard in the weathered beams' whispered creaks the essential condition for such serenity: enormous tension.
>>7416299
This is great. I actually want to read the rest of it.
>>7416251
any valid criticism?
>>7416376
>>7416163
This is pretty well written, so I figured I'd offer some constructive criticism. I had two complaints. First, I don't like the way the following line is phrased:
>whatever miracle dwelled amidst its vaulted heights remained at rest.
It's the "remained at rest" that gets me. This is a totally meaningless term, given that the miracle is not a tangible thing that moves about. How would things have been any different if the miracle had done a cartwheel or blown a raspberry at the character? And what does "remained at rest" really suggest? Are you simply saying that the miracle remains in potentia, but does not actually happen? Are you saying that the miracle did not make itself evident? Because "remained at rest" doesn't really convey either of those alternatives.
Second, you begin your next sentence with "So..." as if to say that, because the miracle remained at rest, he "held his head skyward..." Why would that cause someone to hold his head skyward? It doesn't make sense (to me).
>>7414059
>born from mental breakdowns
*doesn't make much sense
*edgy
* "mental breakdown" is too technical a term for the flowery prose you're going for
>with scattered ashes washing off our landscape
*doesn't have anything to do with preceding part
*how do ashes, which are scattered, also wash?
*what does it mean for ashes to "wash off" a landscape
>with waves of tears and pools of blood curdled and gone sour
*way too melodrmatic
*second time you've used a prepositional phrase (i.e. two times you've used "with")
>a bastard made of our biggest fears and regrets
*I'd rewrite this as:
A bastard born of our greatest fears and regrets.
Coming back up, the baby didn't taste as good.
>>7414059
It's an incomplete sentence. You start off with a transitive verb yet, where does it end?
I reached inside his anus for the salt shaker.
>>7415677
Except for those last two words, I really like this one.
He awoke to nothing but darkness and rot.
Wobble in his hammock at night gives Jake a illusion of the stars dancing.
Halfway through his private life he found himself lacking; he felt he ought to find his way.
I'm dead set on starting out with a third person character description because that's the kind of novel this is. Should it be of a secondary character who is thematically important or should it be of one of the two main characters?
>>7416653
I don't know, but have them look in a mirror, that will make it more natural that you're describing them.
>>7414032
"I like to remember. Even if it hurts. I know perfectly well that what I'm about to say will sound too romantic and cliché but it is the truth: unfortunately, memories are what most hurt the heart."
How faggy? Also, it's originally written in spanish, so it might not have the same feeling in this 30 sec translation.
>>7416688
Nice one. But no I mean it's just the usual "this is who this person is yes" kind of thing.
>>7416695
if it is first person narration of a teenager/early 20 it could work, otherwise no
>>7414059
As near as I can tell, this sentence has no subject. If the author thinks it has a subject, he needs to take some remedial grammar. (I'll note that this does not seem like a clever instance of rule-breaking. It's just needlessly confusing and it makes you look inept.
Also, "washing off" is an ambiguous phrase. Are "our landscapes" being washed like a plate, or are the "scattered ashes" flowing off of "our landscapes" like the tide washing away from shore?
He went by the name of Pinky Merrywheather and he did not like Hippopatamus one bit.
>>7414032
She stabbed his heart, but it was the blade that bled.
>>7414032
Running down Ash street, my arms flailing I scream at the top of my lungs like a tortured banshee, and then alternate between grunting like a pig and swearing at joggers passing by.
>>7416711
It is :)
>>7416721
thank you/ I apologize,depending on what it does for you.
>>7416725
On a serious note I feel like it's slightly cliche, and a tad bit pretentious but I mean depending on the storyline it could work.
My penis was split down the middle, not knowing which way to go.
His armpits smelled; I reached over to hug him but realized he was gone and it was my armpits that smelled.
>>7416730
The perspective is third person persistnet. Relating to the man in question, who is trying to bring himself away from emotion. (Was once very emotionless, gained emotions over time, trying to lose them again, then novel begins) Wife cheated on MC. MC goes on journey that essentially lets him know that being "cold" or "distant" isn't necessarily bad, and that he has place in the world, even society. The story is told from his prespective, so the direct stated emotions are like that, but my description of others and environment will tell of what others think, and maybe how the world itself reacts.
>>7416736
Sounds mildly interesting.
It’s easier to be bored than happy.
>>7415700
Yeah I don't, tell me how? Can you? I doubt that good sir.
>>7416388
OK, fine.
First sentence: He's using "clime" incorrectly. "Trail" also seems a little inapt given the suggested length. "Weather beaten" and "dust racked" give clashing suggestions about the climate involved--the former suggests wet weather and the latter dry. There's an awkward mixing of past and present tense--not strictly ungrammatical, but ungainly. "Norgolian empire" is a shitty name. Overall, it's way too florid and trying to cram too much into one sentence.
Second sentence: "in the year of our Lord Nineteen-eighteen" is completely unnecessary. "Stalemate treaty" isn't the correct term--the one they're grasping for is "armistice." It also doesn't work well as a made-up term (this seems to be alternative history, as WWI ended in November of 1918), because "stalemate" is poorly suited to be a generic term for a draw. It's only one of several kinds of draws in chess, and it's unusual in that it usually happens because one player should have the game completely won, but fucks up badly when going in for the kill. "The forces of Germany" is a florid, weird, turn of phrase, and they wouldn't be the ones making the treaty--the civilian leadership would decide when to conclude. "The nations of France and Britain" doesn't say anything that "France and Britain." "Non-resolution" isn't explained adequately. Opening an alt-history novel with a dry description of the point of departure is a bad violation of show-don't-tell.
Third sentence: Easily the least shitty of the bunch, though still too florid. "Noon-heavy" is garbage that doesn't suggest anything coherent. "Yawned before his gaze" is silly; it doesn't make sense to depict the clearness of the sky as a reaction, when he'd have to already be aware of it. "Whatever he sought ... remained at rest" doesn't add up; "at rest" sounds like a description of what he's looking for, and therefore doesn't work to show that he's being disappointed. It's pretty repetitive--you should just cut everything before "he held his head skyward," because there's not any information lost there.
>>7417505
Weather beaten does not imply dampness, but you're correct that these are pretty bad and the choice of adjectives in all inapt. Weather beaten better applies to a hat and dust racked to lungs. However there is nothing terrible about the term 'forces of Germany', It's quite common.
>>7417522
>there is nothing terrible about the term 'forces of Germany', It's quite common.
I guess there's no accounting for taste, but, in this case, it's almost certainly not what the writer means.
this book about a certified gangster AKA yours truly from humble beginnings as a hustler and gangbanger all the way to the top bossin niggas around and making money.
>>7417594
Go home Jelinek.
>>7414032
Two praying mantes were holding the reins of their respective horses, their eyes
scanning the wasteland with grim impatience for any kind of landmark or sign of life.
>>7414032
Lengthwise i'd have to say it'll need to be bowl cut around the rim of my shoulders, i need to look good for this party, Jacobo, and i won't be fucked with. no no sir, i would no fuck with you sir, you will kill them. they will suck your dicks like the waterfalling to your knees weeping when you walk through the door. Just the way i like it Richie.
Thank you sir.
It was all a dream.
April is the cruellest month
"why is it that you must shoot us with different guns?"
>>7417768
Good.
Charlie was 10 when he first felt the smell of burning roses.
Or something like this.
By the way, did I mention that I'm black?
--final line
Once upon a time..
He just stood there, blank stare, equally blank mind. He was gone.
If I knew I would come out of this apartment alive, I wouldn't have come in the first place.
Consciousness flooded back as head met table.
>>7417858
Go home Roth.
tfw no one commented on my completely sincere post
He bled all over New York.
>>7418047
i know your pain.
>>7418100
Not that good desu
The blood on the street had scabbed over.
A gamboling pod of seething humans, clipping along on their jumbles of ore. the scorched wind licking at their torn garments, the sun glinting from their buggutted glasses. Fierce reefs of thorns zip from horizon to horizon over the centipedes of earthly stubble. Claps of garbage plume after the fact.
>>7414032
A long, furred tongue ran along the curve of his calf, and [redacted] kicked, like a sleeping dog, against the doorjamb.
“Mail is male, and we all get fucked by it,” said Mikael Serling.
Her well-soaped pussy grazed my calf like a small hard brush... Mom?!
>>7415270
I like it.
>>7418173
I like it but am worried "[redacted]" would become tired and gimmicky if not done with some subtlety. Interesting idea tho.
I anxiously waited for the doctor to come back with my results. when he did, he asked me about my star sign. "Cancer." I replied confused. The doctor shone up and said "Well isn't that the coincidence!"
>>7414059
incoherent. I have no idea what yr talking about. Would not read further.
I'm waiting untill my parents die so I can kill myself without guilt
>>7418372
"I have severe depression and want to kill myself ever day," said Humphrey.
>>7415672
this is freaky and hella regressive. Would read more.
>>7418372
Are you writing about me?
>>7416299
this is pretty clever,would def read more.
>>7418174
joke doesn't work imo
Real dolls are anatomically correct human baby dolls, crafted to look as true as possible. They are used in some therapies dealing with stillbirth and related traumas, as well as being popular with collectors.
>>7418323
mine is >>7415685
>>7415873
The names make it sound like a fantasy novel, and the plot sounds PKD-esque right from the get-go. If you read some modernist works and know literary devices, it could turn out good. Maybe on the level of Leguin or one of the others -- depending on if your writing fits the bill.
>>7418372
heavy, would read more but wouldn't be surprised if it got overly bleak and unreadable. I like things dry, but their has to be some humor that's not derived from misery or a sense of despair. Otherwise it becomes overly bleak and difficult to connect with or read. I'd be wary offalling into a shallow pit of Bret Easton Ellis style "and then this awful thing happened"
>>7415176
sounds interesting
Dawn broke over the moderately-priced township of Hucklesborough, raining on the countryside in vaporous fragments.
"Where did the sky go," said Arthur, peering into the screaming jaws of infinity hanging above. He was the sky-fixer, though he did not know it yet.
I wanted to get through without drawing attention, but my path is blocked. I can't make it, it won't budge. Would you move out of the way? This door is jammed. IT'S JAMMED!. Please! I beg you.
"Apparently it snows in Damascus," my brother told me once, but that doesn't matter, because he's dead, too, torn apart by his own bloody civil war.
>>7414032
The voice on the radio broke.
>>7414032
"Give it back! Give it back!"
>>7418393
It isn't really a joke so much as that character's crazed idea.
>>7416695
Can more people r8 this pls?
Welcome to my book, i hope you enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it :)
>>7418573
It's pretty ok.
>>7418409
It's funny that you mention LeGuin and PKD, I just bought a few of their books to use as research for my novel. I'm aiming to make it a scifi satire murder-mystery where digital immortality / body swapping is a real thing, poking fun at identity politics & religion & the ego.
>>7415685
sounds like some kind of horror/mystery cultist type thing. Possible cthulu. I think the sentence could be a bit cleaner and more direct. Specify who 'they' is, maybe tell us underneath where (under the chapel, etc) and maybe cut the "beneath their breath" bit. Theyre already underground, why they being so quiet? But overall it's good. Creates an easy question in the reader's mind: Why are they chanting? A little personality (proper nouns or objects or language unique to your world) would help make it less generic as well.
>>7418432
heh. The only she's indecisive about is what she wants to look like in her next life. Being the face of the body fashion industry is stressful (and annoying when everyone wants to be a clone of you for christmas).
>>7418167
i had to look up gambole - "run or jump about playfully" which contrasts with seething, which usually signifies anger. Overall, you need verbs. Just straight simple verbs. No "-ing". Decide on present or past tense and just state things. The scorched wind LICKED at their torn garments. The sun REFLECTED from their glasses. Save the eloquence and poetry for the important moments. As is, this is too vague. All i get is an image of... slaves mining? And barbwire fence? Stick to a single image or metaphor or action for a sentence or two. Will make it much more readable. And use more simple sentences and simple verbs. Not every noun needs to be a "X of Y".
>>7418590
i agree with many of your criticisms, though it's supposed to be obfuscated. what it actually depicts is a motorcycle gang on acid in the desert also, seething is also a term for a group of people moving erratically.
The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of dank memes.
We fly, so high, you know this...
>>7418610
well. that's not at all what i thought it was about. I guess I'll just question the point of purposeful obfuscation in a section of writing that is supposed to be descriptive? A scene of incoherent dialogue or confusing images makes sense to me. If you can make it work, go ahead, but personally i think confusing the reader is a very bad thing.
You can tell by the way I walk, I've been kicked around since I was born. And you look the other way. Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother, you're staying alive
zayd fly.
>>7418660
okay, how bout this one:
King Solomon poked his head out of the gates with a rope around his neck, and the crowds looked with wonder as he turned purple. Eventually his father came about and commanded him to be well, and he was well.
or this:
The limousine pulled up to the parking lot, and several armed men ran up, heaving as the presidential motorcade made the daily loop for the secret service. "Keep those dogs running, i want them to be able to protect me," Nixon said.
"He was gallant, grey behind the ears, a bit whiny about the heat that morning but honestly Vanore liked listening to him bitch about things - how his armor didn't fit anymore, or how it took his page three minutes to get his battlesword prepared."
The day young Jim Heering ran away to join the Mojave Marksmen Association, his father tied up his boots and set out to bring him back to the schoolhouse.
>>7415677
>boring bomb threat weekday
I like it
>>7418699
gah. I really hate when people use real people's names. The whole alt-history genre rubs me the wrong way. But these sound fine to me. Instantly show the tone and setting and introduce what I presume to be the main characters. I'm not exactly sure what you mean by 'poked his head out of the gates' - did he leave his palace and hang himself in public? So I'd mayeb clarify that a bit. I'd also cut most of the commas from these.
"Dr. Pavel?" CIA squinted as he stepped off the plane, making out the group of poorly shaven men in outdated military gear walking towards him.
7415240
Muhammad Atta strolled casually into the strip joint with cocaine running down his down and a Quran in his hand.
I imagine I’ll be interviewed for what I do someday, they’ll have to blur my face out or something like that maybe I’ll wear a mask.
>>7414032
crispy rice, crispy rice everywhere.
>>7414032
El viento silbó y se levantó con fuerza, lo que primero fue refrescante bajo el sol, se convirtió en una caricia larga y helada.
>>7414138
Sound weird written but it's funny. Still don't know what you intended.
>>7414148
fuck off with your facebook cancer desu sempai
>>7414299
Nice. Would read more.
>>7419513
Spanish-tier/10
No llovía sobre los lares. Emanaba, no obstante: el petricor; veinte centímetros sobre el adoquín. Aromancia de tierra, labor de actinomices. Piedra sobre piedra sobre… ¡Mentada higrometría! Alterados la luz y el espejo por las gotas desobedientes. Inversa la Caída: hacia la Primera Causa.
>>7414442
Something feels off but it's good. Keep going.
>>7415048
Simple yet cool. Please post more. I want to read you.
>>7415187
Man the Bukowski is strong in this one.
>but I'am all right now
This could mean so many things and hide a twist.
>>7415270
Plain but the idea is interesting.
>>7415672
WTF plox continue. I like Jake.
>>7415856
Used beyond whore level.
They told me to "start with the Greeks" and so I did.
>>7418684
Now I have it stuck in my mind. Fuck you sempai.
>>7415732
lol
also if you expect to have writing published at some point yr probably going to hear much worse things about yr writing
>>7415753
sweet you just saved me from reading proust
Barely noticeable in glaring sunlight, a thin wire ran from one side of the door frame to the other. The man in blue pointed at it, and began to move his hand up; creating an invisible line that was followed by the eyes of the man in white. The hand stopped and eyes caught up, focusing in on the business end of a shotgun.
>>7419593
the eyes caught up*
Sorry, I took that from an earlier draft and reworked it, but I made a mistake.
>>7419451
this seems heavy handed.
Herpetology.
>>7415856
all this tells the reader is that unspecified "things" are occuring
>>7414032
They found the him on the edge of the main road with a lot of dead love in his heart, she said.
>>7418362
that's 3 sentences. also, the following two become too predictable after the first one
I'm sitting in a chair at the office. There's a bunch of people around me. As the time goes by, I start getting more and more conscious about how my back is parallel to the chair. The room is very cold even though it's hot outside and there's a rifle hung on the wooden wall. My uncle and the Academy prorector are here beside me.
I am an autist.
"Well, tell us the joke", says Mr deLint.
"I'm afraid if I start I won't be able to stop", I says.
"Don't worry, we have all day"
"Alright then —says I— grab a can of beer and sit tight, cuz it's gonna be a motherfucking rollercoaster"
They all turn and look at me, completely captivated.
So I begin:
"I'm sitting in a chair at the office. There's a bunch of people around me..."
>>7416470
that's not a transitive verb
>>7416590
>Midway upon the journey of our life
> I found myself within a forest dark,
> For the straightforward pathway had been lost.
>>7419513
The wind howled and rose forcefully; what had once been refreshing under the sun became a long and frigid caress.
rate my translation, spanish bros
>>7419682
2/10
Too google translatey.
>>7418398
while i think the prose could use a little tweaking this is the only sentence i've liked so far.
There had been two ways Mrs. Dockery made an influence in my life, and only one of them involved standing naked for her camera.
Them niggas was ready to fight, whatever we had to do holmes. Niggas was on the real flipout holmes, it was just comin out like a motherfucker. The nigga amped be like: Come on! Come on motherfucker!
Morning came and he lighted a cigarette, wondering how he will face today's struggle against the universe
It was dawn when the memes came to take him away.
When he was little he wanted to become a mad scientist.
