OC Writing
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You are currently reading a thread in /lit/ - Literature
You are currently reading a thread in /lit/ - Literature
I have to write a descriptive essay for tomorrow.
I think it turned out well.
Thoughts and criticism welcome
A man I once knew my lord, a name that echoed boldly far after his passing, Alexander. This man like all great kings knew what laid in the hearts of his men for he was regarded as a king like none other. All, each and every one held him at the tip of their thoughts, on a pedestal of heroes, a goal to strive for. The envy of his kingdom, he was a tall and well-built man, he stood the tallest, laughed the hardest and smiled the largest grin from ear to ear spanning the length of his throne, from each hill to every plain, it was the dream and devotion of a leader, that had his people begging hand and knee to dream his dream. He as all men of noble greatness was not adorned for his kindness and care for his people, but instead for he in his sanity and madness knew that a man truly worth the admiration of his subjects was one who embodied the extremes of all things, both good and evil. Longest to rage, fastest to smile, and last to end his laughter. His beard covered all corners of his face but not so much as to hide his large nose and wrinkled masculine features, his hands were never soft but instead ruff to the touch, always firm and never weak demanding respect, for they were the hands of a working man. Yet he did not labor, he ate though was not hungry, he slept though was not tired. His mere existence kindled the flames of aspiration within his people, to be as their king. For who can truly admire the rough and thorny path a martyr must follow in life, who can envy the plainness and mediocrity of a saint. Who truly dreams of such an existence?
it's adequate enough to get a grade
>>7408417
C minus. Stop emulating genre fiction writers.
>>7408438
I'm going to do exactly that for the rest this year and nothing you do can stop me.
>>7408443
It's good advice. You're free to be an idiot all you wish.
>>7408447
really? how dose that hurt me
>>7408417
Not bad; I'm going to sage and call you a cunt for starting a new thread with amateur writing.
I'll give you some tips though, because I've been caught up in irony and stress and feel like my shitposting karma for /lit/ needs some balancing.
>use some fucking punctuation; this isn't a nursing home, I don't want to see endless commas - really, there's so much variety good grammar can give to your tone: you can even use basic colons for snappy effect or --- stretch out the sentence like this (if you're feeling pomo/Stirnerish)
>try and focus your narration, its too abstract, blenching from scene to scene - why not describe him in the room as is, with a focus on his physical features and then the emotional response to that?
>cut your words down, be as economical as you can possibly be with what your trying to say - really, have a specific theme/image in mind and constantly use words that refer back to it
>don't get stuck in this whole "classical" tone, it's pretty limiting as a young author - find a more genuine voice, unless you exclusively read works like this, and think like this (you should really just read anything else to broaden your range, grow your voice)
>some of your sentences are clumsy: "but instead for he in his sanity and madness knew" is shit, change that, or use better punctuation. It doesn't sound too bad quoted but comes after quite a long clause and just reads bad
>focus on alliteration too, you have no sense of rhythm or sound yet
Overall - not too bad, you probably have promise and a teacher would give you a decent mark for that. My only fear is you think you're a good writer already, you're not, stop thinking that, accept your totally not special, and then continue to obsessively review your work and others over half a decade.
Funfact: The co-creator of Rick and Morty has publicly admitted to shitposting about his show on /co/ and /tv/
>>7408456
ty i'll go hang myself after I fix it
>>7408487
Just giving you raw advice anon, you put yourself out there - accept the most objective criticism you can get.
Listen to what I'm telling you though, keep writing, read as much as you can, and even in just two months of diligent practise you'll look back on this and see a night and day difference. Writing is magical, I'm just being brutally honest to help youand partially to stop shitty threads like these taking up space,
>>7408456
This is actually great advice. I'm not OP, but thanks.
>>7408417
>using a Reddit and Morty pic
Stopped looking there
