Aren't you afraid someone will steal it?

>>7720364
Great hook with the rashes thing, but then you go off rambling about other stuff. Do we really need 3 paragraphs about the minutiae of your character's job? Despite all this info about email services, uniforms, the color of his coworkers' hair, etc. etc there's no mention of what he actually does, where he actually works (intetional?). Mess around with the structure of your sentences; you have a strange style that somehow walks the line between being conversational and overwrought.

I dunno, I was interested at first but you just lost me. Tighten it up a bit.

Here's a poem I wrote:

I slipped out for a little while
The air clung tight
to me
It was dark out, but light
somehow
was in the snow
A lone streetlight shone
a cone of light for the lonely
Bone-white was shown
The absence of presence,
snow melting to the point of
mud
Slime less lonely than you, snow.
Melt away.

>>7720714

It's just a page. Nothing can be done with it alone. I won't post the full story here.

>>7720760
The rambling tone is somewhat intentional. The character works in a factory that makes medical supplies. I guess I could mention this in the first page.

Barely got past the first few sentences. This is the purpliest of purple prose. Try harder.

>>7722114
You have no idea what people prose looks like.

OP, it's not bad for a first paragraph, though it tends to drag for a bit. I would most likely turn the page to read on.

>>7720364
A couple instances of non-stylistic awkward phrasing and some grammar errors but it's mostly clean. The story itself seems interesting and the style of the prose is fun.

File: hangz.jpg (412 KB, 1152x768) Image search: [Google]

412 KB, 1152x768

http://pastebin.com/raw/pB4vABxs

Please let me know what you think. Thanks