So, I got bored and started writing. I know it is probably shit to all you writing fanatics, but just want some honest feedback on what I've got so far. It's written in a diary, journal sort of context if anyone gets confused so it's like the person is talking to the reader. Thanks heaps for the help.
There go another handful of these white capsules, right down my swollen oesophagus and soon into my bloodstream. I could feel the effect of the pills growing weary with each swallow, my body slowly immunising itself to its strength. The only thing I had to relieve me of my agonizing pain was the chemicals running through my numbed veins. These drugs in front of me were the only thing separating me from being nothing but one of her past fatalities. I know I have to stop. This repetitive consumption of these pills will leave me with a sack of brittle bones and blood, a poor excuse of a body, and this exact prediction will prove she has defeated me. I just can’t let that happen… I can’t let her feel that sick satisfaction of seeing me suffer again. That bitch, that whore… she’s ruined me. She’s turned me into a person I never wanted to become, but now when I look at myself in that stained mirror, that is all I see – a drug-abusing creature with addictive tendencies and a future as dark as space itself - how wonderful. I feel like smashing this damned mirror into a million pieces, and then letting my body shatter along with it. I want my reflection to disintegrate into the atmosphere plus take my decaying soul with it. Damn, why do I keep thinking like that? Why do I keep letting her image spoil me? Actually, why the fuck did I fall in love with a fiend? A fucking monster is what she is. Whoever reads this must be really confused by now, maybe I should just explain how this all began.
Let me describe to you how I fell in love with the devil that devoured my soul.
cont.
It all started on October 31st, Halloween, All Hallows Eve, Lucifer’s birthday, whatever you want to call it. This eventful day that should be celebrated with mysterious witchcraft and candy was instead the day where my life changed for the worst. However, in that space of time it felt as though I was going to live the life that I had always envisioned myself in. Damn, I was so wrong. Anyways, I’ll get on with it. I remember clearly the small children with white, painted faces filling the walkways, running from door to door, their bags continuously enlarging with sugars with each travel. The ring of children’s voices occupied the air, the harmonious tones of multiple “trick or treats” coming from their eager mouths. Pale skulls, thin cobwebs and maliciously carved pumpkins were seen in front of each and every home, inviting the lonely ghosts and ghouls that roam the world into the warm homes of millions. This was my absolute favourite day of all three hundred and sixty five, but now I can say it’s my most hated. I dread this day from the day she broke me in half because the only thing that crosses my mind is her name. That really drives me crazy. So. Fucking. Crazy. Anyways, where was I… ah her, yes her.
The first time I saw her was on the bright streets of New York, sitting calmly on a park bench. Her beautifully constructed face was the first thing I was drawn to, as though it was moulded specifically by the hand of a God. That definite structure of her cheekbones, nose, brow bone, jaw, everything… it just mesmerised me. The next thing my sight was dragged to was under her chin. She wore a black, bellowing dress, tightened perfectly at her slender waist which highlighted her slender figure that I worshipped. Her thin arms were rested on her lap as her bare, frail legs crossed each other. Her dark hair just brushed against her pointed collar bones, while her straight cut bangs just covered her eyebrows. Below those eyebrows were her solemn hypnotic. I will forever remember those piercing, sapphire eyes. Those eyes that saw right through me and even further. Her pale, snow-kissed skin contrasted against her defiant makeup. A brilliant vermillion smeared on her sweet, plump lips accompanied with smoky eyeshadow. Just her appearance was truly one of her weapons.
Very good anon, story needs more structure, and you need to more describe the internal and external landscape of the protagonist. Solid 7/10.
man you are one pussy-whipped faggot
>>7465414
My body is running on redbull and poptarts right now, so sorry if this isn't the most helpful advice--just some things I want to point out.
You use a lot of indirect language: (just a few examples)
>I could feel
I felt
>I know I have to stop
I have to stop
>I feel like
Cut to the chase. Go straight to action. Indirect language really bogs down your sentences.
WAY too much cursing. Respect your narrator more. Use less cliches and fucks to accomplish the narrator's hatred of this girl--as a reader, I want to know why this girl specifically sucks. What makes her stand out from any other shitty human being. As it stands, I only have "monster", "whore", "fiend", "bitch", etc. to go off of, and none of those are concrete images (anyone can be a whore and a bitch, what SPECIFICALLY makes her a whore and a bitch).
The story structure is kind of arbitrary. We start in the present where the narrator is popping pills, then we go into a flashback to where all this supposed shit went down on Halloween (which the narrator doesn't allude to---as a reader, I have no idea whats happening there). And then we go into a flashback within a flashback, where the narrator first meant the girl. I'd suggest choosing one of these scenes and sticking with it, because it gets complicated for the reader (are we ever going to stop going back in time?), and leaves them wondering when the story is going to start.
That's just my two cents.
>>7465460
I love you, thank you. I haven't finished yet, so yeah the structure is pretty blunt. What do you mean by internal and external landscape? Like, how his room looks like and such?
>>7465479
Well, what the protagonists life is at the moment is a direct link to what he's feeling inside (Hence external landscape is a reflection of ones internal landscape) so everything he's going through on the outside corresponds as to what he's feeling on the inside.
>>7465466
lowkey
>>7465472
Hahahha holy shit, nice. Pop fucking tarts, lmfao. Thanks for that advice Anon, honestly appreciate it a lot. I'll emulate your advice and apply it to what I've written so far. I'm not exactly the best at writing, so I'm trying to improve and this is really handy. Yeah, I guess the structure is kinda supposed to go down that route. The narrator is delirious, so it would be pretty random to evoke that emotion. I think if I keep writing from what I've got so far I'll construct the solid structure even though that should've been from the start, but ill see what i candish out. Thanks so much again!
>>7465486
Ahh, I see what you mean then. I'll add that into it then. Thanks heaps!
>>7465494
Any time, anon. You're off to a solid start, and I think this story has a lot of potential if you keep writing/editing it. And don't be afraid to let your sentences take you in places you didn't intend to go.For instance:
>Frank was an asshole.
Okay, but how so?
>Frank was an asshole because he snapped at the barista.
Let's cut out the asshole part, and go straight to action.
>Frank snapped at the barista.
Okay, why?
>Frank snapped at the barista, because she reminded him of his dead wife, who he loved dearly.
So we went from Frank being some nobody asshole, to a man who is capable of love, and when he was denied it, it broke him.
It's not a great sentence, but that's just an example of a silly exercise you can do to see where you end up when you're going through your editing process.
>>7465413
Some nice writing but it is ridden with cliches and angst. You don't have to excuse yourself for going of on tangents (as long as they are meaningful) "maybe i should explain how this all began" "anyways, i'll get on with it" I find them unnecessary and annoying. One part that was legit nice was the "smashing the damn mirror" part that felt real and emotionally powerful. Keep working!
>>7465510
Thank you again, I will keep writing and editing!
Ohhh, I see. Hahaha, no its fine, I think it will deem to be a very useful exercise that I will definitely try out. I'm curious anon, do you write yourself?
>>7465518
Thank you anon, appreciate the help and compliments. Yeah, I did overuse those phrases a bit too much. I'll cut those out. Aha, thank you so much! I will anon, and I'll take your advice into account :~)
