I'd like some honest feedback on a poem I wrote please. Everyone I share it with says its amazingly done, I honestly think it's mediocre. Please, honest feedback.
I put alot of song titles in here from songs I listen to so points if you find them,
April's leaves
Her voice is quiet, like an unheard song.
And yet it makes me want to sing, sing, sing.
Just being around her makes time feel long.
But she won't ever see me, say a thing.
I gave her a song, Moonlight Serenade.
It matches her, with its quiet sound.
And I think I’ll miss her unselfish aid.
Her wisdom had volume. Her advice, loud.
I miss her words, they felt high and free.
She showed me the beauty of April's leaves.
Lovely, like tea for two, and two for tea.
That all changed, when she decided to leave.
Close as we were, she wants nothing of me
Nothing will be the same, it's hard to see
>>7460277
Everyone you've shared it with is wrong and poetically illiterate. Let's get to criticism:
You ended every line on a caesura. Pretty big problem as all your lines start to sound the same and we can safely predict the period at the end of them.
"Her advice, loud." is ungrammatical because you did not use the word "is" in the previous clause / sentence.
Need full stop after "I miss her words"; comma is ungrammatical.
Line beginning "Lovely" is ungrammatical.
No comma after "that all changed."
Full stop after "nothing will be the same."
So, all in all, do you even grammar? Punctuate your lines the same way you'd punctuate sentences. And if this poem is representative of how you punctuate sentences, then you're doing it wrong and need to go back to school. Actually, you're probably still in school based on the writing. It's quite juvenile. The language is unimpressive and the content is very high school. The rhyme is tacky and unsubtle, with fat, gauche monosyllable words for every rhyme. Also, when referring to juvenile poetry, i.e. the poetry of beginners, there is no "good" or "bad." Because it is not poetry. You have a long way to go.
Do you want to keep writing poetry? Then answer the following. Do you read any poetry? If you don't, then start reading. If you do, read more.
Songs: Sing Sing Sing, Moonlight Serenade, Tea for Two, Hard to See. I think incorporating these into the poem is pretty tacky.
>>7460680
Each lines supposed to be 10 syllables. I was lazy, I know, which is why I don't like it.
>>7460680
I think you're being a little harsh, anon.
Hes obviously a beginner, and there's obviously some sort of scheme going on with the 10 syllables a line.
His Grammar? Bad, sure, but I think it should be apparent enough that he probably is in highschool, in which case who cares, its a blue board.
If you want people to get into literature at a young age like what /lit/ should be rooting for, you'd encourage the guy.
>>7460921
Yeah, see? 10 syllables
>>7460680
>nitpicking about grammar in poetry
pls
>>7460680
Wow, you really just take intro to poetry and shit all over a kid who's just starting? How bout talk about the content of the poem because that's the only fucking thing that matters, grammar/prosody/meter are additives and show technical skill. OP don't listen to this god awful advice it will only make you feel bad and disheartened, this guy is Autismo Prime.
Grammar is completely irrelevant in this case.
Grammar is not irrelevant, it is the mother of style.
Furthermore, this poem's content is pathetic.
Op, we have plenty of awful saccharine love poems written by abandoned betas. Dont do it again.
It's pretty bad. Your friends are plebs
>>7461138
I mean, its not like I wrote it for my own relief for shit in real life or anything, not like I was inspired by someone I miss leaving me. Thanks would be crazy, writing a poem based on something that inspired you
>>7460680
For those that disagree with this, the question is not whether these rules can be broken, but rather why he shoul have broken them. Emily Dickinson manipulated punctuation. E.E. Cummings turned structure on its ear. They all had justification of purpose.
>>7462261
I'm the guy who posted the original criticism. Here are some follow-up comments, trust me, I'm not trying to jump down your throat.
When I said the content was juvenile and very high-school, I meant a few different things.
1) The subject of the poem is a female friend, perhaps a romantic interest. This is not bad by itself, but the sentiment you've conveyed is: "Look at this girl, she's great; here are some things about her that are great." And actually, even then, it wouldn't be necessarily bad, but the things you describe are very banal: "Her voice is quiet," "time feel[s] long," "she won't ever see me." These are boring statements: they describe the aspects of your relationship that don't affect your readers. That is to say, they are specific rather than universal.
2) You have a few abstract words: "time, thing, aid, wisdom, advice, beauty." Abstractions don't give your readers enough information. When you throw them out there like that, they start to nag and weigh down the poem instead of pulling weight. A few of your better phrases are "I gave her a song" and "I miss her words." Those give us something concrete to work with. Build on your concrete images, use the abstractions sparingly.
In regard to >>7461138
That may have been a bit harsh but I feel he is correct. Grammar is necessary to convince your readers you know how to write. Anyone who reads ungrammatical sentences (usually too much rather than too little punctuation) has to take a moment to slow down and parse the sentence. Additionally, If you write poems for long enough, you will realize yourself that writing about high school and love and relationships is 1) something most, if not all, beginners do and 2) not worth your time.
I recommend stepping outside your comfort zone for a while. Write a poem about octopi. Write a poem about your mother.
>>7460277
It doesn't seem like you put much thought into the form. Is there rhyme or reason behind it?
