Hey /lit/ let's have a practice lap on our writing skills. Post a pic and the anon below it writes 1 or 2 paragraphs. If you want you get to choose one of your liking instead. If you're not in the mood to write feel free to just post a pic you want done
I'll go first from the one I chose for the thread
inb4 it's a .gif
>Death light, faint shot trough the plexiglass intertwined and bricked asymmetrically, dispersed well coating fairly bad the kitchen turned living room. Fruited bottles of glass, oranges and lemons - print, the water protruded directly from bottle’s head to his own around his closed lips, refreshing. This is our inheritance he thought - our shared experience - summer air is always stale.
>>8183367
The big ugly fatass that lived in this house was clearly a druggist of the discerning sort, the crawlspace outside was filled with childish weeaboos and the quality of his hairstyle was evident from the tiny bed behind the cabinet. Gravy lungs were pleasant along the coarse edges of the needle that he lovingly plunged into his throat at every possible opportunity, and the coursing heat that stunned his veins served to energize him for another steady night of vorarephilic happenstance.
The children he tended to were his whole life, his schooling held him in high esteem with the community, they seemed to absorb from him all that he could teach to them, he wondered why such eager minds were left laying fallow in his prideful consideration of the generation he shepherded. He eventually came to the conclusion during his career that his life should never surmount immaturity, and he would always leave his mind a marshmallow dream, sticky, waiting to snare any new information, webbing it all into a uniformity that spiders envied. His name was Jardon Scathe, the year was 30X3
>>8183425
Thomas knew there was no chance for him to get the chairs home on time, his mother was going to notice they were missing the moment she walked in the door. Besides, he knew that even if she didn't notice, she would certainly see him stumbling in carrying the torn leather he used for the wicked party he threw in the alleyway cubbyhole. "She's going to kill me," he whispered to Smith as the soft echoes mocked his fearful voice, "don't be so pessimistic, she'll probably laugh at you and ask for the drugs right off. You know she loves the helium as much as anyone." Thomas pondered this a moment as he wiped the sweat from his brow and sat in the chair at the bottom of the long stairway, marveling in the novelty of sitting in such a comfortable chair in the fresh air, wondering if he was ready to see his mother die due to his own addictions.
>>8183461
The capybara overmind fed his souring underlings a steady supply of oviscera, their tremulous shudderings and stomach heavings showed the plastered effect of being filled with telekinetic nourishment, the capybara overmind narrowed its eyes with pleasure as he soared over his domain, the energetic torus that surrounded him served to protect him from the water horse menace that sought to ply his juicy brainmeats with toxins, and kill him forever, but he knew that his resistances were more than enough to survive any onslaughts. His roar caressed the minions of his scintillating army, and a phosphorescent glow surrounded him as he gathered his wits for another trumpeting bellow to his soldiers, ready and willing to triumph over any who would oppose his might.
>>8183477
Thank you so much for writing these words
>>8183441
Very nice one. It's actually me in that one, tho my name is not Thomas. Went to an abandoned complex that day with a couple of friends and remember sitting in those armchairs.
>>8183498
They surrounded her, they knew her thoughts. She couldn't resist them for long, their staring eyes, slits of evil through wide expanses of white, they even glowed in the night, the bastards. She lay prostate and motionless, rigid in tense fear, if only to sever their horrific gazes as she hid her tears in the sheets. She suddenly felt the weight of them as they lay on top of her, cold, surprisingly cold, as they stiffly lay on her, lithe muscles as rigid as her own, there seemed to be a vibration coming from them all, something undulating, and finally beginning to rise to a climax. She wished to look up, but her fear restricted her, she knew she was going to die.
>>8183499
lel no. maybe something about the anguish of fractal mind, tearing at his nerves as he surged into another dimension, one where his limbs no longer lay flat but have a weight, something different, not that, something dense, something wrong, he tried to reach out to touch his limb, but found himself warped swiftly, attempting to learn these new movements, but finding himself more and more constrained by this confusing world, he instantly missed the simplicity of home, and wept into his armpit, begging the Lord to take him back
>>8183510
Dang. Slow thumbs up. You're good.
>>8183540
hey, thanks! but yeah, i'm done before i run out of steam.
>>8183499
Somer Himpson lingered. He seemed, at all times, to drag behind him the sad and often unquiet aura, as everyone instantly noticed, of eerie displacement and collection of emotional pastiche from double-sided bad people he called his 'Buddies'
>>8183463
When John had finally wrung to sand the last of all his earthly vim
He found the jewels he'd fought to bear were now forever wearing him
>>8183463
"Get that nonsense out of your head Martha, I thought to myself, you're just a Maid and he's your Lord. Besides, what if the Lady where to find out?"
And yet, seeing him laid across the bed, gazing at me spookily, I knew what I wanted. Underneath his fine garments, I could hear his bone rattling for me.
>>8183575
"Stop being a prude, Carl, it's not gay if I'm in between the both of you. Can you be any more of a little bitch?"
Here's a fun one.
>>8183614
"I know it was dumb to ride you while swinging my sword but damn it felt right. I regret nothing."
>>8183614
Farewell to thee my trusty steed
Last request - sexual
Place your large mouth over my genitals
No worries anymore, just peace
As I bleed into the soil
Becoming worse than dirt
Orgasmic pleasure - I refuse
You shouldn't have done that
I live to see another day
But another steed I request
>>8183614
Harold was sad. The man was on the ground and he was covered in blood. The man had been on Harold's back for a little while. Harold wasn't sure why he cared about the man whose heels had pained his sides, but he certainly felt pity towards the person before him on the ground. Harold noticed the rain, and forgot all about the man. He didn't want to be wet.
>>8183637
Hot dang what a twist
Here's another one, you guys are doing good.
>>8183631
almost funny but the awful execution ruined any semblance of humor here
>>8183614
"what a fucking loser" the horse thought to himself, as he stared at the man on the ground. "I can't believe he killed himself before we even got to the battle"
>>8183632
A beautiful misunderstood man stood there perplexed. The girl of his dreams had just presented herself to him. Was it really happening? No, it was just another self-fulfilled delusion. After all, how could any member of the opposite sex be attracted to a husky gentleman in suspenders wearing a Superman t-shirt.
One day she will come, presenting her hairy kingdom to him. Unshaven with the gates slowly opening. A true black goddess will crave the wide-set ears and smile of pure pride and lust, yet exposing the anguish inside.
>>8183425
The biggest change was the quiet. Sure, the walls were run down and the yards were overgrown, the hallways filled with puddles and moss had colonized half of it but what unnerved me the most was the quiet. There was no laughter, no herds of footsteps pounding hurriedly on the floorboards, no bell to signal the midday but most of all there was no music.
>>8183575
They share the same soul, Clara though. Tom was not very bright to begin with but now both Toms seem to be even less so. That would explain why she'd talk to one of them and the other would answer or why she couldn't get them to move at the same time. How would she even tell Mother about it? I pushed Tom into a glowing pond and now there's two of them, they're yours now. Now way she could hide them, she couldn't even get them to keep their clothes on.
Gonna dump some interesting ones
Alright last one, I'll see what you guys made tomorrow. Don't let this thread die.
>>8183802
visit infowars.com for more
>>8183647
She always loved to roller skate. Dan skated in the streets and she, Rosie, would skate parallel mimicking her older brother's movements. Often she would fall and Dan would have to stop acting like Rosie wasn't there and stand her back up again. Sometimes she would cry. Their parents would peer out the windows and check on them for meals and their nervous mother would peevishly ask if Rosie was alright, even when so covered in pads her elbows and knees could barely bend. Dan was always annoyed when his parents asked, he knew he could keep Rosie safe.
Dan sat back to better enjoy the sun. Camo is hot in the sun and with full pads it's even hotter. Dan wondered why they had given him a gun at all if he could just throw those pads. A girl walked up and played with the hefty pads. Dan smiled and wondered at the tight braids in the girls hair. Dan hugged his gun away in an act of caring. It was then that Dan wished he had roller skates.
>>8183647
He leaned limply to slide, back against the glass, slowly and onto the floor and for a brief instant - amidst the rioting - soft carelessness grazed him and called out in undertones of sadness
Wardine be cry
>>8183788
He just loved his katana, more than everything and everybody, he would have made america great again for her.
>>8183652
I don't want it to be funny, let's try a little revision.
Farewell to thee my trusty steed
My last request of you
Place your large mouth over my genitals
Transcendental ecstasy between us
Surpassing barriers between man and beast
As I bleed into the soil bodily fluids
Red with white ropes becoming pink
Slowly sinking into the fertile soil
I have become worse than dirt
>>8183788
We have the greatest swords folks. We really do.
We're gonna forge a katana and make the Japanese pay for it.
bump
>>8183367
>The static of the rain melted into the television snow and drowned out the rest of her thoughts.
>>8184170
The "is" of the crowd has gradually drifted into a deafening "was". Silence reverberated throughout the stadium, kissing the seats of every step. I didn't think it would be over so soon, or that everyone would be gone so quick - but what do I know? I'm just the shadow of the last man remaining in the crowd. All the other shadows have left.
What about this one?
>>8184357
Not all of these pics have to get written, you can write about the one you want even if others have done it too.
>>8184396
The turpentine drips down your face to your lips, you spit it over your left shoulder. You are not in pain, you cannot see, you grasp out, you cannot reach any more forward than your highest point, you turn your head, you speak, you have ears, you cannot see, you cannot hear the sound of your voice, you sing, you spit turpentine, you are still grasping, your thoughts have become calming, you no longer grasp, you no longer panic at the pain of your eyes. You are not in pain, you are no longer grasping, you gesture outward, your hands relaxed, you have lips, you can sing, you don't need to, you cannot hear the sound of your voice.
>>8184471
I step out onto the road barefoot feeling the sifting wind floating through the trees as clouds sit motionless in the sky moving as one atmospheric entity spaced throughout the blue air. The intermittent phasing of crickets and cicadas is the only unsilence and the sound sits suspended above the dirt path and mound shoulder only to be lost in the wild brush just off the way. I see her walking *and I open my mouth and feel my vocal chords reverberate and the air pass out of my lips and my tongue strike the top and bottom of my mouth but no sound reaches my ear and she’s running now and I can’t control it anymore I only notice the pure breath against the winter air the only cloud in the vicinity is the one leaving her lips* and she yells to me and for some reason it’s not her voice it’s mine and we’re together now, one of the same of the kind of the one of the two of us together now.
*[stuff]* denotes italicization
Inspired by Quentin's ridiculous prose in Faulkner's "The Sound and the Fury"
>>8184480
Meta
All jokes aside I do like this. Makes me think I'm part of the painting.
'ere
>>8184485
Thanks.
When I saw the painting, I instantly thought of the title "I, purples, spat blood, laugh of beautiful lips," a piece of music by Aaron Cassidy, so I almost wanted to plagarize that as the first sentence, but I really dislike writing in first person (since it is the most natural to me), and I wanted to try out second person since I've never really tried anything with it, and I'm thinking of writing some sections of my novel using it after reading some in "The Battlefield Where the Moon Says I Love You"
Space Funeral, go for it
>>8184191
"It's like that picture I showed you, of the canvas that some jackass just painted a little black dot in the middle of, and then sold to some pretentious prick for $5 million or something." He said, after a while of sizing up my car. What a dick.
"Come on man, I put work in at least. I don't care if you don't get it but I didn't just put a black dot on a canvas, you have to give me that." I said in a regrettably pleading tone. "I don't mean you didn't put effort into it, I just mean it looks like the only point you were trying to make is that most people aren't going to understand it. It's nonsense."
"Fuck you, man."
>>8184530
The kid was bald and was wearing an Auschwitz uniform and a headless donkey sauntered up to him casually in the wild and level wasteland where the eye can roam around to distances that it knows not and in the background were heads rising up out of the ground like blood and cracked psychedelic mushrooms from some horrible inferno and the headless donkey asked the kid why he was crying and the kid said, Ye.
>>8184544
Post-modern Descripitive Objectivism - I like it
Eh???
Maybe?
>>8184628
At dusk around these parts, you'd always hear the melancholy whine and drone of insects big and small. They flitted back and forth and traced their wings along tracks unseen, and if you took it all in at once, I'd swear you could see their souls rising up against the fading light.
>>8184578
Truth is, you never quite know who someone is. Truth is, you can't - you'd have to carve their beating heart from out of their chest to ever see its knowing scars and wrinkles. And truth is, you'd probably rather not. Our hearts are hard and heavy for the painful lives we've led and we weave our skins about us to shield the world from that heat that would radiate outward and tint the world with all our hurt, sad and passionate and full of conviction.
Wouldn't you rather just be here with me now?
>>8183799
>Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?Their early work was a little too 'new-wave' for my taste, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own - both commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humor.
In '87, Huey released this, Fore!, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip To Be Square", a song so catchy most people probably don't listen to the lyrics - but they should! Because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself! Hey Paul!
The alarm sounded for the third time and once again i slapped the snooze button for another 10 or 20 minutes. The sirens outside didnt agree with my addled decision so they decided to park not a few blocks from my apartment floor. As much as I would love to fight against the inevitable morning, it couldnt wait until the afternoon today. I began the usual ceremony. I rolled off the couch into a hunched perch on its edge, blinked away the stupor, and scanned the room. Last night's dishes on the floor, the night before, the week before. Racid clothes hung from every makeshift hook. The four walls are as close as they should be, trapping in the stale familiar air. Everything was in where it should be, perfectly out of place.
>>8183367
aw snap that's the nu bagadi wolf on the skateboard, pretty radical
>>8183614
"Stop horsing around!"
>>8184153
He would be the last. As Ferdinand sat in the dark room, awaiting his executioner, he wondered whether it was worth it. His father had always told him that the best thing for a jester to do was top keep his head down, and do whatever the king says. A jester's job was to make people happy.
Nevertheless, when he saw just how cruel the new King was to Esmerald, and the lost look in her eyes, Ferdinand knew he had to help her escape the darkness of the castle. He plotted and planned active insurrection, all because he thought it was the right thing to do.
Now, he was going to die within the hour. The long line of court jesters would end, all because Ferdinand had a foolish infatuation.
In some ways,. that was rather funny.
>>8187252
Very nice one anon
>>8187351
Thank you! What did you like about it, if I may ask?
>>8183477
this is cute lol
>>8184213
I liked this one. Call it cheesy, but it's just what the picture needs.
>>8184628
They guard the trees, they say. Shadows in the dusk, gliding their almost incorporeal forms across the leaves.
I once asked my aunt if those shades were evil.
She replied "They are what keeps greater evil at bay."
Do this one
>>8187820
First the glass of milk broke all over the floor. Then, while trying to clean it up, he accidentally caused the pile of books to fall over the floor. Than, while picking up the books, the candle fell onto the floor. Then, while trying to get the fire extinguisher, he accidentally fell on the table, causing a vase to fly off, and crash into a window.
So when Mom came home, it was just a cherry on the crap combo.
>>8187859
hey that's prettyfun___
>>8187872
Thanks. Is that a reference to a meme?
>>8187887
It's an amalgamation of IDubbz's 'hey that's pretty good' and 4chan's own bait-and-switch spoiler, plus I thought it was a fun scenario. I like lacing my speech with memes but conveying my thought comes first so the meaning would've been the same without you knowing these memes. It's like easter eggs for memes, or memester eggs
>>8185593
All around me are familiar furries, worn out buttplugs and worn out faces. Bleak and dreary for our daily races, "Going nowhere," I tell them, "going nowhere".
Their tears are filling up their fursuits, no expression, no expression.
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow, no tomorrow, no tomorrow. And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell them, I find it hard to take, when people stay in these circles it's a very, very mad world.
>>8187978
this is a non-ironic request for you to kys
>>8187978
This reminds me of the man who woke up one day with a plastic knob at the back of his head.
>>8187984
You win for a reference to my favorite song.
>>8188074
"What mean I bad smell?" he said confusingly after the woman in front of him told him he stunk. "My name George, George of jungle," he said with a stoic expression. Smelly Jungle?" asked George, "No" the woman replied.
>>8188074
"Updated my journal," I thought, and said out loud, as I updated my journal. This was a particularly excellent journal entry, and I knew that it was going to be a good day. When I motioned to continue onward, however, my companions hesitated. The floating skull in particular looked very concerned, which was not easy to do, because he had no eyebrows.
"Chief, do you have to do that every time something happens? This is the tenth time this morning." I noticed reluctant nods from the others, assenting murmurs. "We think you might have some kind of obsessive compulsion, related to your amnesia." It hurt to admit it, but he was right. I had better write this down, I thought, in case I forget it. PS: running out of skim cream
>Journal entry #877824239
>>8188164
kek
>>8184480
ugh
>>8187393
how gay it was
>>8187600
Thanks! I didn't think it was cheesy per se but I get where you're coming from.
>>8187393
I liked the general theme and last sentence ended it pretty nicely. Something also about him being seated there waiting for execution. I saw the pic multiple times on /lit/ and never got that vibe from it so I was surprised.
>>8184533
kek
>>8190722
Thanks. Something about the sad look on his face, and the dark room, made me think of that angle.
>>8183759
Author could feel his hairs standing on his neck. He wanted to find the girl as soon as possible and get out of these cursed woods. He noticed the same lingering fear in his companions eyes. As he tried to speak he felt a hand on his shoulder and was paralyzed with a freezing numbness.
"Athuttttthhhhher" he heard whispered from Gabriel. He too was being called by the evil in the cursed woods. Author tried to struggle but it was hopeless. "Just ease in to it, it'll all be over soon. No more struggle of life, no more pain, no more sorrow. no more." a hallow voice whispered to him somewhere in his conscious. That be nice, wouldn't it, he thought. So he gave up.
>>8183817
Very nice. Definitely a cut above most of the other posts in this thread
>>8190722
'Phonies.'
Time to dump some more, you guis doing good
>>8190722
Yukio's autism had a tendency to get the best of him, and tonight was no exception. Invited, out of pity, to another house party, he thought it was a good idea to bring his Nintendo 64. How wrong he was. Needless to say, the name of the game was drinking and fucking; albeit with some socializing in between, to endow the whole affair with respectable veneer. To his credit, Yukio saw the farce for what it was - they were animals, and like all animals, shameless. Why on Earth they bothered with the pantomime, he could not say; for they neither fooled their partners, nor themselves. Of course, that was the point - his mental condition left him stunted, when it came to the art of nuance.
Trying to distract himself, he ran a few laps on Super Mario Kart. No one else was interested, and nor was he; but out of spite, he unplugged his own controller and left the other on the floor. If he could not enjoy it, no one would - but, like himself, the console went unnoticed. He lit up a cigarette, consoling himself with the thought that he too could rebel against convention; but his metaphorical middle finger made about as much of an impact as his the literal one upon his left hand - tapping listlessly against the nearby ashtray, and paling into insignificance.
He had a headache now, for which he blamed the music and all the countless conversations overhead. The temptation to leave was suppressed twice over - firstly by his vanity, and secondly by that vain and yet persistent hope that he would be among the lucky ones.
>>8190980
Should've thrown in a reference to roasties/etc.
8/10
>>8190980
Notes From /r9k/, i like it
>>8191027
jesus he was just crying his eyes out and we kept offering him doggies cos that's what said he liked and he just kept bawling and dog was running around and it was very confusing and I am embarrassed
Alright last one you guys know the drill, keep the thread alive
>>8191041
Dog found himself in an unknown environment, surrounded by strangers. Though the environs were foreign, he was at ease, for Jackie would soon return with crisps and cigs. Suddenly: movement. One of the boys got up, and started pacing, relentlessly, muttering furiously. The other boys took no notice: the television served as ample distraction. Suddenly the boy screamed, "Enough with the fucking dog", and grabbed my collar. I was dragged into the streets, as the other boys followed (Jackie was nowhere to be seen). "Fuck him!", the boy screeched, "fuck him good!". And so they did.
>>8191048
"Wet milk," Mr. McGoober stated aloud to no one but himself. He laughed and laughed, and was found dead the next morning at 8:46AM, slumped over his workspace still wet with spilled milk.
>>8191025
"This is it." That's what Jonah told himself on Sunday morning. This would be the day when he would seriously get his shit together. For over a decade, his weight had far exceeded the princely sum of two hundred pounds which, in monetary terms, would have been a fortune for his puritanical predecessors in Plymouth's days of yore. Alas, for Jonah, these were not monetary pounds - they were his misfortune and, to borrow from the pious vocabulary so favoured by his ancestors, the wages of a sedentary life.
Socrates thought of moderation as a contempt for the bodily pleasures. It was a sunny mid-morning on Monday, the next day, and Jonah had resigned himself to the fact that Socratic moderation was not for him. Having demanded of his mother that she drive him to a local restaurant, famed for its generous portions, Jonah ordered an absurdly large helping of chicken tendies, and did happily did away with any thought of getting his shit together. After less than twenty four hours, Socrates had given way to Aurelius - he would eat, drink and be merry. Tomorrow? As with every day, in his condition, there was indeed a very real risk that he would die.
Outside, in an SUV, his mother wept futile tears - cursing herself each time the unspeakable thought crept into her head. One day, soon perhaps, she would be relieved of the NEET who was sadly her son.
>>8191090
Made me laugh, but could use some focus and rewrites. Good job!
>>8191027
>>8191041
Larry the human was a professional masochist. He liked his job and he felt he was an asset to the community. People vented out their frustration on him and he was getting off of the humiliation. It was a win-win for everyone.
Larry the dog was a professional beggar. He too liked his job and felt he was an asset to his community. Every night the Kurdish man that owned the diner down on 98th would take out the doggies that completed their one-month lifespan and he'd find another doggie there to dispose of them. Plus every hotdog he ate was another meal he'd deprive of that asshole, Tyrone, so it was a win-win for him too.
One fated day Larry happened to meet Larry. "Let's switch places" said Larry and Larry barked an agreement. Surely they would not regret it.
>>8190965
There it was, perched along the horizon. A towering gaze, unbreakable, unmoving. Wings of spires, frozen eyes, a stone figure of a man yet not quite, all coming together into this Empyrean giant. From the shore, we could feel every tiny action of its body trembling the area and understood how far above it was to Earthquakes or Tsunamis. The waters rippled with each of its silent breaths. Its gaze - unhindered by the cloud cover - was locked onto ours, our scanners too. And no matter the distance we flew on this continent or how far, we knew its gaze could follow. "You got its attention doc," cracked Harry whose cold sweat and fear for his soul not nearly stopping his usual tone. "What now?" I gulped down whatever moisture there was in my dried out throat along with the terror. As we observed it, it observed us. The computer readings would be useless if it cant help us with first contact right now. It was studying us, like a child would study a strange new bug. To prevent the risk an upcoming magnifying glass, I made the choice, "Let's try talking to it."
>>8191213
nice
>>8191123
the slow ping of the heart monitor is heard to cut through the billowing clouds of smoke, now and again, though certainly less frequently as the game progresses. The cards are tossed onto the pile with increasing disinterest; some fall further into the folds of the bedsheet, losing their way down into the gap of Frederick's frail and skinny crotch. The players are blurred outlines, though Frederick can't remember if he was scheduled to have guests today - today in his sunburnt dementia-riddled brain being sometime in the late 60s, the hazy smoke and waterproof plastic cards dragging his mind back into the height of his gambling youth - he feels the green felt under his brittle fingers, traces its smoothness with his knuckles until his thumb brushes against the colonoscopy bag. He knocks: the mattress feels for the most part soft, apart from the springs going uncomfortably awry under his buttocks.
The man to his right murmurs something, but Frederick can't tell if his expression has altered - there's something ephemeral about this pair of gamblers, like the discomforting silence of their struggle is keeping him pressed to the bed. The man to his left blows smoke in the other's face. The ping is barely audible even though neither is saying anything. Frederick holds his breath until it comes.
The man to his left throws a card down, sits upright and tilts his head back, gazing at the other down the space where his nose should be, like a pair of iron sights. Strange, thought Frederick, that such a disfigurement would not just leak the smoke right out the front of his face. Strange that he should be smoking at all in a hospital.
A chill hangs in the air. Frederick's vision deteriorates into amorphous white and green shapes. The last thing he sees is the breath which steams from his lips.
>>8184191
BUILT NOT BAWT
>>8191227
thanks. I really had no idea how to work with it.
>>8191258
One half of the street is of fire. It is summer all day, and its people are of greatest passion.
The other half is of ice. The people there are cold (although, as Rosa proves to Harry, not emotionless), and rain pours down the street all the time.
If anyone crosses the street, they would be ripped apart by the opposing side's temperature.
Harry and Rosa know this. So all the lovers can do is walk beside each other, knowing that they will never touch.
>>8191466
Decent concept executed poorly.
>>8191522
Thanks. What could have made the execution better? More description, perhaps?
>>8191563
Not necessarily, better phrasing would be more explanation. You throw the reader straight into the story, but half-arsedly. In medio res is okay, sure, but doing a tiny explanation of half the setting, then bringing in the characters, then continuing with the setting again is flimsy. When you start a new scene like this you need to make a choice between setting and then characters, or vice versa, and you need to stick to it. Trying to jam them together doesn't work, generally speaking that is. I guess it could be done, if it's done right, but when you use such short sentences like that then it's much more blatant and jarring.
I appreciate the dramatic touch you went for, but it's very underwhelming. The first two lines are bad, because like you said of how little description there is, but it also reads like a children's book. "The street is on fire. It is summer all day. It's people are of great passion", with a cute little cartoon. The third line has potential, and I can see you wanted it to be hard hitting, but when people use short sentences for dramatic effect it works because of the contrast with previous paragraphs. Also they tend to use sentence fragments as a final flourish. "Opposing side's temperature" is uninspired, and I think you know that could've been phrased better. It especially doesn't fit with "ripped apart", it switches from fantasy to textbook in a second.
More specifically, parenthesis are not okay. Especially in this example. It's wholly unnecessary, and could've been added in later. I think if you wanted the "fire" side to be passionate, then the "ice" side ought to be emotionless, because it fits. That's why the two cultures don't mix, not because of magic but because they're just so different. Both Rosa and Harry, perhaps, are neither passionate or emotionless. In a world of extremes they find harmony in each other. Or something. I don't know.
"Rain pours down the street all the time" I don't like. Maybe "... and rain falls endlessly, never stopping, nature itself frozen in time". Though that too is quite bad.
I could go on and nitpick at each little part, but I think you get it. The extract, to put it simply, lacks any direction or inspiration. It's plain, and not in the good way like Stoner is plain.
Hope this helps. Good luck with your future writings anon
>>8191643
Thanks for that criticism. It's not easy to get constructive reviews sometimes.
>>8191643
you're a great dude anon.
>>8191752
The current crashed against my crushed scrotum. Battery acid dropped from a leaking car battery across from me. As the electricity courses through my body I feel my fists clenching. Erect, my thumbs begin to bend backwards from the tension and pressure. My skin squeezes and screws into a grimace, a smile, almost a smirk; and the rest of my face similarly conflicted, clearly showing my afflicted state. How did I get here? Who'd have though Rambo sucks balls.
>>8191813
>Battery acid dropped from a leaking car battery across from me.
Redundancy there. You could just say "acid...me" and it would work.
I liked your descriptive text. It made me feel like I was there.
>>8191813
Do this one
>>8183614
The chieftan died today. Or yesterday maybe, I don't know. I got a carrier owl from the battlefield: "Chieftan Nordfuck deceased. Ship burial tomorrow. Faithfully yours."
>>8192215
The wine flows into my essence, imprinting its bitter warmth onto my dry and cracked throat.This pleasure was one that could only be enjoyed once a year when the Pope held a celebratory feast in memorandum of "The Last Supper". Of course, in memorandum, the congregation had decided that perhaps the Pope was not the right choice, and thus decided that we decided a 'Judas' for this feast, the pleasure of which falls upon myself.
ignore the edgy and self righteousness pls
legit tho critique me
>>8193814
Upon one late night, I awoke to the clear image of Hell. Drowned in a dull blue glow, my hands, moving indiscriminately across my keyboard, the dull clack of the mechanical switches entering a phrase into my browser. I could not stop the furious flurry of images that scrolled by, as slowly my hand possessed clicked to move one into the Microsoft Paint. With terror I watched the dull mindless joke move across the textbox, horror filled my soul as it tainted my hard drive forever! I gently wept as the spirit posted the great evil my own hands had produced onto /r/trippinthroughtime. Looking to the extension cord in my office, I knew there was only one thing left for my hands to do.
>>8194018
The Irishman extinguished his cigarette which he had been carefully hiding so as not to draw attention to himself. A single glowing orange dot is easy to spot on a dark night. He raised his rifle towards the man on an adjacent roof and fired.
He waited until morning to check on his kill. Pulling off the mask of the dead man revealed his identity. A single tear fell from behind his sunglasses as he found the dead man to be his brother.
>>8194034
I studied the poem that you're channeling in highschool, my brothers face, or his brothers face, something like that.
>>8184471
I had finally made it back to the road after sifting through the bushes, and as I stepped out from the trees and onto the familiar concrete I could see where the smoke was coming from. The '57 Chevy was parked in the middle of the road, the driver's seat door hung open, and across the virescent fields I saw the smoldering, auburn inferno standing where my childhood domicile used to be. Paul must've thought I had already gone to the police station, and decided not to take any chances. I later found out he had shot Ma and Claire before lighting the place and taking himself out, along with all the evidence. "If only I had been quicker." I thought, but I was too late. So I stood there, as my whole family went up in smoke I just stood there beside the trees, their tops painted in titian light by the distant fire. Me, the trees, all standing in a row staring out across the field at the end of the world.
>>8192212
You hold the photograph in your shaking, numb hands. Your chest heaves, the sound of your ragged breath distant in your ears. The names flit through your mind, too fast for you to catch them, names the whole world knows, that you know--or knew.
You blink.
Colors swim before you where there had been none. Your breath catches in your throat, suffocating you, nausea gripping your gut. Clammy sweat cloaks your skin, and the man in the photo seems to step out of it. You drop the photo with a choked gasp, and fall back into your pillows.
>>8194267
Goosebumps
>>8191027
"Finally, you will come to realize" The damned dog stared somewhere else, out of this plane and into the hyperspace. The Final Dimension, that will measure all that is, and all that was. I'd wonder same as he at the seconds getting hotter - turning to ash at the end and burning like the kiss at beginning, would I not be at the hands of all that still held me to this world. Of absurd and ridicule gestures, pain of existence, subtle joy of being alive and functioning, glory of being awake in the morning...
Don't worry, me. A little further into the future, few more burning steps - and it all will be set into place.
>>8195022
He lay with his back faced towards the beating sun, his hands fingering the moist sand beneath. The ceaseless motion of waves crashing onto the shoreline evoked memories of the gunfire and artillery of his homeland. There, holed up in his bunker in the dying embers of the war. His doppleganger prepared for this moment, handed a cyanide pill and a handgun with one bullet. Newspapers reported him a coward, his corpse dishonorably disposed of as ashes and hewn into a nearby stream. For now, his sensation did not betray him, he was alive, but preferred being dead.
In the waning hours of the midday sun he scanned the horizon. Two familiar figures approached. The left was his muse, still beautiful as ever, and even moreso in the sun. On the right a bespeckled, thin pale figure lithely strode towards his friend. All of them dead, yet very much alive. He gathered his strength for the second time today and arose with a grin. They embraced each other in meaningful movement, free from ideology or war, but as friends.
"Willkommen, mein freund"
>>8184357
>>8190989
It was an uneasy alliance that of the barbarian and the samurai. The force that had destroyed their camps was too methodical and simple for it to come from a third party. They wondered the hills for many days but since they where both scouts it was inevitable for them to find each other. They walked down the valley towards the coast, then wildlife around them began to run the other way. First they heard its steps and just as dusk started falling it turned from the face of the mountain. The barbarian drew his sword and the samurai readied his bow, both not knowing where to start.
>>8194569
"Hey Greg Giraldo, big fan. I know youre eating but my girlfriend was wondering if she could take a picture with you. Shes shy so she would ever ask you but it would mean a lot to me if you could, please? cmon man"
>>8183793
The lamp oil was running low. He would have to face the street again, face the danger. He stared pensively into blank space, his hands clasped over his legs as he awkwardly reclined on the burnt husk of a car. A temporary solace. Just a man and his oranges. He wondered if he would sell any oranges today. He wondered if anyone would have something to exchange, or if they were growing as hopeless and destitute as he was. He wondered if he would ever escape the gray world of death that had become his home. Before he had wanted to be a doctor; now there was only the meager profit of stolen oranges, themselves turning gray under the soot and rot of the hellish city. Soon the lamp would go out, taking with it the last of the color; soon everything would be gray. He would have to face the street again.
