/jokes/
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You are currently reading a thread in /lit/ - Literature
You are currently reading a thread in /lit/ - Literature
If there's one board that will provide the best jokes, it's this one. What're some of the best jokes you've heard?
>>8138903
You.
Two archers are marching through a field.
They are on their way to what they'be been told is their next battle site. They stop to eat lunch and the first archer sees a small fly resting on his quiver.
"We don't usually get flies at this elevation, huh. Guess this guy is living the solo life."
They finish lunch and carry on.
In four miles, around ten thousand flies traveling in a dense and horrible cloud burst forth from a nearby cluster of trees. A vicious and awful entity, the swarm makes a violent buzzing noise. That sound alone could haunt a man for the rest of his days.
The swarm speeds for the archers and they panic, splitting up and sprinting away. The swarm tails the first archer, and eventually catches up to him. He is knocked down by the force of ten thousand flies landing against his back. Screaming, he feels his quiver being lifted off his back by the tiny bodies. Guided by the uncoordinated herd, the quiver tips mid air, spilling arrows all across the ground.
The swarm latches on to one arrow and carries it off, back to the forest. Dazed and scared, the archer lays on the ground. The second archer approaches him.
"Get up, boy."
"What were those things?"
"We call em Time Flies."
"How do I know they aren't coming back?"
"They took your arrow; they're done with you. Time Flies like an arrow."
"Oh"
The second archer bends down, unbuckles his pants, and pushes his thumb into the first archer's mouth, while straddling him.
"I'm going to enjoy this."
>orange you glad I didn't say banana
>>8138908
i dont get it
Muhammad Ali was a great man, a great figure for civil rights. He proved black people COULD punch just as hard as white people. Thank God for him. Never look back. Punching people will always be the right of black people thanks to Muhammad Ali.
Represent!
The next great philosophical revolution in human history will be made by a woman
What's the best part of sex with twenty five year olds?There's only one of them. There was a massive dip in birth rates 25 years ago.
>>8138928
checking those dubs
How about a riddle instead?
I have no friends. I may have one friend. I may actually have two friends. I definitely don't have more than four friends. One of these friends is a girl. I want to be that girl, and I want to be her hair, or her neck. I want to be a little girl. I want to see her hands.
What am I?
>>8138977
Lonely
Knock knock.
![YSquGPQ[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/2m2u6Av.jpg "YSquGPQ[1].jpg")
the best of posted on lit recently
>>8138977
>What am I?
possessed by anima
>>8138903
A girl and a boy, both young, sensual, and full of hormones, walk through the dense forest. At the countryhouse lives girl's father, an old and conservative man, so boy got absolute zero pussy while staying there: but now, in this impenetrable grove, there is a perfect opportunity.
"Hey, Anna, do you want to screw for a bit?"
"Sure", girl exitedly answers.
The boy clears out a bit of undergrowth and starts pulling down his pants; the girl is already undressed. Suddenly, he feels a terrible urge to pee.
"Sorry, I gotta take a leak, will be back in thirty seconds!"
"No, Ivan, I'm naked and don't you know that Fast Gonzales lives in these woods? As soon as you are gonna he is gonna, you know."
"Ok, sure, I'll just turn my back and pee here."
"He is named Fast Gonzales not for nothing!"
"Seriously? Alright, I'll turn my back, pee, and stick a finger in your cunt so that he doesn't start anything funny."
The guy turns his back and blindly sticks a finger into fast Gonzales' asshole.
>>8138903
I bet you post this on every board. My emotions aren't your playthings, faggot.
>>8138903
6 AM, a ring at the door. A middle-aged man gets up from bed, grunts, puts on his bathrobe, wobbles a bit because of his terrible hangover and walks to the door, muttering curses all the way. It could be neighbors, his son, cheating wife, some guy from working checking if he's sick, police... He opens and there stands Death.
- That's all? - there's relief in his words.
- That's all.
>>8138903
Two gays are fucking bareback. The top sounds like he is about to come, but suddenly, he speaks in a hushed, apologetic voice:
- John, I've been meaning to tell you something... I have HIV.
- What the fuck?
- I kid, i kid, i just like when your sphincter puckers.
"911, what's your emergency?"
"Yes, this is Dog!"
>>8138921
Bullshit. Everybody knows that boxing proficiency has a direct inverse proportionality to social class.
Russians, Irish, American blacks, Flips--all great boxers.
>>8138903
He:
- Sweetie, there is no need for tales of "you are my second guy". You are mathematician, after all, you should remember numbers well.
She:
- 5!
He:
- That's counting me?
She:
- That's a factorial.
>>8138926
I seriously laughed out loud at this one.
Why can't black people get their PhDs?
They can't get past their masters.
How do you blindfold an Asian person?
With floss.
>>8139145
How do you get a white kid to throw a tantrum?
Mention white privilege.
>>8139084
Damn this got me
>>8138903
Dear fuck that image is unsettling.
>>8138920
It's not a joke. It's a waste of time.
Three men are marooned on an island. The island happens to be home to a tribe of vicious and strangely stoic cannibals, and one day the three men unfortunately get captured by them. The cannibals are debating whether or not the men are good to eat, and the men beg for their lives. The chief, in a rare act of benevolence, tells them that they will be spared if they can prove themselves to be strong like his tribe's warriors, who are stonefaced and calm no matter the situation.
The chief says there are two parts to the test, the first of which is for each of them to search the island and gather ten of the best specimens of one type of fruit. If the chief deems all the fruits to be worthy, the second part will begin. He informs the men that his tribe loves the thrill of the hunt, and attempting to run away will end in a gruesome death. The three men are released, and they all search the island frantically for the best fruits.
After a day of searching, one of the men returns to the tribe's camp with ten ripe red apples. The chief asks him where the other two men are, and he says that one of them was not far behind him. The man gives the apples to the chief, who examines each one, and is pleased with what the man found.
The chief then tells him the second part of the test can begin, and informs the man that he must insert all ten fruits into his anus without showing any emotion on his face. The man, shocked, believes this to be a cruel joke, but the chief solemnly reminds the man of his other option.
Having no other choice, the man fearfully begins the second part of the test.
>1, 2, 3...
Upon trying to fit the fourth apple into his anus, the man winces horribly and let's out a shriek of pain. The chief deems him to be frail and weak, and the tribe kills him and eats him.
Not long after, the second man returns to the camp, carrying ten ripe red cherries. The chief asks him where the third man is, and the man states that he was not far behind him. The chief, pleased by the cherries, reveals the second part of the test to him. The man suddenly throws back his head and lets out a roar of laughter, which continues until tears are streaming down his face. The chief deems him to be a pathetic fool, and the tribe kills him and eats him too.
The second man ends up meeting the first man in limbo. The first man says that he saw the second man take the test, and was dumbfounded by what he saw.
>What the hell is wrong with you? You could have made it! You only had cherries! I had to shove apples up my ass! Why the hell did you laugh?!
The second man turns to the first and says
>The other guy was carrying pineapples.
>>8138908
This made me spit out my water but I can't figure out why it's so good
>>8138985
Is that a real book? That's actually the most retarded thing I've ever read.
Makes me sad that someone is earning money on that shit.
A duck and two massive african-american transgender women named Clarissa and Eldera walk into a bar. The duck says to the bar tender: "I'll take a whisky, please."
The bartender pours him his drink and gives it to him.
"How will you be paying, sir?"
The duck says "just put it on my bill!"
>>8138903
Black woman has five kids. Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How does she tell them apart?
Their last names.
>>8139149
How do you fail at baiting?
Make this post.
>>8139223
DELET THIS
>>8139229
why?
>>8139229
He's not wrong.
A little boy walks into a doctor's office. The female psychologist behind a desk smiles at him and offers him a seat.
"Hello, Billy," she says. "Today we're going to test you for autism. Are you ready?"
"Sure."
"I'm going to tell you a joke, so listen very carefully. There was once a panda who lived beside a waterfall in China. Pandas are lazy and can't swim, but he wanted to see what was at the top of the waterfall very badly. 'Boy,' thought the panda. 'I sure wish I had a ladder to get up there.' The panda spent a week trying to think up ways to reach the top. He tried climbing the rocks, but they were too slippery, and he fell down. He tried convincing passing cranes to fly him up there, but they were too busy migrating. He even tried building a boat out of reeds, but the water was too powerful, and he couldn't paddle fast enough, and the waterfall broke his boat on the rocks. So he just sat back on the grass staring at the mighty waterfall for a long time. Suddenly, he snapped his fingers, and said, 'Ah, shoot!'"
Billy burst out laughing, and laughed so hard he wiped a tear from his eye.
Overjoyed, the doctor smiled and patted his shoulder. "Congratulations, Billy," she said. "You don't have autism."
Maybe Maples are just trees with diabetes. That'd be fucked.
>>8139297
Meta
What do you call two Mexican guys playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
>>8138904
#fukinrektm80
>>8139149
Five niggers in a Cadillac drive off a cliff to their deaths. What's wrong with this picture?
Answer: Goddamn Cadillac holds six.
>>8138951
>definitely
Hahah funniest so far
>>8138904
What about "You?" Me? Or you, the self? I am you and you are me. We are ourselves. The self is us. Nothing exists, not even one thing at all. All things are one and no things are all. Truly, you tell me, this is the truth.
>>8139084
I was laughing so hard trying to read this out to my gf she didn't even laugh. No class
You've all probably heard this one before.
>Rodney's playing blackjack
>He's losing terribly
>The next hand is dealt:
>4 and a 9
>God speaks to Rodney:
>>"Take another card"
>Rodney takes a hit, it's a 6.
>>"Take another card."
>"Are you sure God?"
>>"Take another card."
>He gets a 9.
>>"Fuck!"
>>8139084
Is the joke that Fast Gonzales is so fast he was able to intercept the finger with his asshole?
>>8139385
Correct hahahahahahha. I'm still laughing at this. I didn't post it either
>>8139385
The joke is what you make it for the author is dead.
Into a bar walks a Muslim, a nigger, and a Communist. Astonished, the bartender says, "It's an honor, Mr President."
A zookeeper is checking up on the gorilla encosure. He sees a single gorilla, in the corner. The gorilla looked incredibly sad. The zookeeper went up to the gorilla and asked, "Why are you so upset?"
The gorilla replied, "Because in a million years I'll be a nigger."
>>8139105
This is actually a bit funny, unlike the rest.
>>8139197
>>8139393
lma o
Ranking.
>>8138908
Deconstructing the concept of worldplay joke is amusing but not funny. 3/10
>>8139084
I posted it, it's dumb but alright for parties. 6/10
>>8139105
I posted it, one of my favorites, although a lot of charm is lost in translation. 9/10
>>8139114
I posted it. It's shit unless read aloud, in which case it's okay at best. 2/10
>>8139124
It's an elder meme, but it checks out. 1/10
>>8139130
I posted it. Subpar but good for a cheap laugh. Doesn't linger, can't be told. 3/10
>>8139145
Those jokes don't have a lot of build-up and can only work very rapid-fire. You need 10+ quality ones for that, though. 4/10
>>8139197
I adore those long-winded ones, although the ending is a bit rushed. 9/10
>>8139220
Deconstructing un-PC jokes can work, but not with a simple bait-and-switch. 2/10
>>8139223
Again, you need a critical mass of those, but this one is alright. 5/10
>>8139297
Gave me autism. 3/10
>>8139314
Sounds like an edgier John green quote. 1/10
>>8139334
I mean come on this thread is deteriorating 1/10
>>8139356
An oldie, not sure about the goodie. Doesn't use any negro-related stereotypes - eh. 2/10
>>8139375
Nice, a snicker joke, which are always appreciated. 7/10
>>8139393
Old template, doesn't bring anything new to the table. 2/10
>>8139412
That's how you do a un-PC joke - and it lingers, which i consider a great quality. 8/10
>>8139446
Q: What's the difference between a woman arguing and a knife?
A: A knife has a point.
>>8138928
at first i thought the punchline would relate to the lack of a hyphen (20 five year olds instead of twenty-five year olds)
>>8139446
Are you seriously handing out credit and critique for jokes on 4chan and making sure to take credit for yours? Strike that. I know that's what you're doing, but are you taking yourself seriously while doing it?
>>8139446
Kruschev surprises a lackey working at his cluttered desk, deep inside the bowels of the Kremlin.
"Comrade Kruschev! What an honor! How may I be of help?"
"Well you see Ivan, I must ask, how long it would take Camel to walk from Vladivostok to Arkhangelsk?"
Comrade Ivan thinks furiously, his brow knit in concentration, beads of vodka flavored sweat coalescing on his his chest and wetting his stiff, poorly tailored, wool tunic. He must give Comrade Kruschev a good answer.
"Being of over four years, Comrade Kruschev?"
"Hahaha, wrong my dear, you see, Camel would be of eaten by illiterate peasant before reaching even half-way! Hahahaha!"
Comrade Ivan can't stand the anxiety anymore and faints. Kruschev walks off, happily whistling a Crimean folk song.
>>8139472
btw camel is on the coat of arms of chelyabinsk, it's a russian city somehow roughly in between arkhangelsk and vladivostok (unless you go how the crow flies)
i suppose it was that city where they ate the poor camel
here is a commemorative coin to mark that event
>>8138920
They're called "Time Flies" and they like arrows.
"Time flies like an arrow" is an expression meaning time passes quickly.
The "Time Flies" like arrows (as in they enjoy a good arrow), therefore they take it. It's a play on words and a popular proverb.
>>8138903
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
>>8139475
Are you Russian, Kit-Kat?
>>8138903
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Brunette and a Blonde are sitting in a train compartment together when suddenly they go through a tunnel and all becomes dark. A loud smack is heard and once the train leaves the tunnel the Frenchman is left rubbing his face in agony.
The Brunette thought: "I bet that dirty Frenchman felt up that Blonde so she smacked him as she should."
The Blonde thought:"I bet that dirty Frenchman felt up that Blonde so she smacked him. Why didn't he touch up me instead?"
The Frenchman thought:"I bet that Englishman touched up one of those girls, they thought it was me to slapped me instead."
The Englishman thought:"I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that bloody Frenchman again."
The black politican was giving a speech. Suddenly a man shouts:
>Get the fuck out, you piece of coal!
The politician replies:
>The piece of coal so precious to us. It moves our factories and makes our nation great.
A few seconds later into the speech the man shouts again:
>Shut up you ugly crow!
Keeping his posture the negro says:
>The crow so deeply magnificent. The smartest among birds, builds his house and loves his family just like us!
The next time the man insulted him he got mad:
>Ugly old black monkey!
To which he angrily replied:
>Who the fuck said that?
>>8139490
This explanation made me chuckle.
Dr. Watson decided to cure Sherlock of his tobacco habit but after his numerous talks with his friend failed he decided to switch tactics. Every morning the doctor would wake up early, get Sherlock's morning pipe and stick it up his ass. This would surely bring some nasty undertones to his friends morning smoking rouitine and he would soon give it up.
Weeks pass by and Sherlock never even consideres quitting smoking while doctor can't start his day without his morning pipe...
>>8139464
That's the point. The original punchline is "there's twenty of them"
Why was K_2,2,2,1 barred from entering the Mobius Strip Club?He was a forbidden minor :^)
>>8139711
LMAO
A man walks into an empty yet clean bar and sits at the counter. The barman puts a drink in front of him and says:
-do you know who I am?
-no
-my name is Paul Preston
the client looks warily around at the empty tables and chairs and back at the barman
-Your bar seems nice. Why is it so empty?
the barman answers:
-"you see this counter? I built it myself. Sawed, nailed, glued, polished. You think people in the street see me and go "oh, there's Paul Preston, he built his own bar counter"? No, they don't.
And you see this bar stool beneath your ass? I built it myself. Sawed, nailed, glued, polished. I built all the fucking barstools of this bar. You think people say "hey, that's Paul Preston. So much of a perfectionist that he built all the barstools in his bar". No. They don't say that when they see me.
But if you fuck a goat even once they find something to say about you."
This should be a general.
A nigger, a chink, a nip, a wop, a kike, a red, and a honkey are marching through the woods hunting when all of a sudden the nigger lets out a scream and falls to the floor as if dead.
"Oh no," says the Jew. "What will we do." And he brings out his phone and calls 911. "Hello, my Negro friend just appears to have died."
"Ok, sir, can you tell me what happened?" says the lady on the other end.
"We were just out hunting, and he fell to the ground!"
"OK, first, can you make sure that he's dead?"
"OK," he says, and the lady hears a loud gunshot over the phone. "What next?"
Why was six afraid of seven?
Seven hundred eighty nine.
sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, except when it's a smoking hot cock in your mouth.
>>8139446
>Five niggers in a Cadillac
>Doesn't use any negro-related stereotypes
A slutty woman dies and ends up at Heaven's Gates, awaited by God and St. Peter.
God notices her and says: "My daughter, you have sinned a great deal in life, from commiting adultery to being rebellious and unpious. However, you also made many happy and did some good so maybe, since I am not unreasonable, I will forgive some of your wrongdoings".
She answers: "Thank you, O Lord, I have always tried my best to-"
God cuts her off: "Unbelievable! She's talking out of line again! Peter, are you writing this down?"
>>8142204
>>8138903
>If there's one board that will provide the best jokes, it's this one
the premise needs to be funny, I'm not sure about this one OP
I saw a black guy walking down the street with a TV. I thought, "is that mine?" Then I remembered, mine was shining my shoes.
>>8138903
An electron, a proton, and a neutron walk into a bar. They all get their drinks and go to pay. The bartender refuses the neutron's money and says
>For you, no charge.
One atom turns to another and says
>I think I lost an electron.
The second says
>Really? Are you sure?
The first replies
>I'm positive.
A physicist, a biologist, and a statistician are hunting deer in the woods. They find a good target and attempt to shoot it. The physicst does some calculations and takes his shot, but misses by 1 meter to the left. The biologist takes note of the deer's movement patterns, then takes his shot, but misses by 1 meter to the right. The statistician drops his gun, throws his arms in the air and yells
>We got him!
>>8139297
I dont get it?
This thread is damning, /lit/. So little actual humor.
There's a guy. He sits in his chair all day long and waits for the day he will become a hero. He sharpens his blade, he cleans his gun, he checks his stock, and he reads his book. He repeats these steps each and every day, never making a new move in his routine. He wakes up and he checks the window, waiting for someone to walk by, so he can know if it is the right time to start. Each and every day he waits for someone to walk by for five minutes, before starting his routine. One day he decides that the time has come and he reads his book for the final day. He wakes up, sharpens his blade, cleans his gun, and then walks outside with weapon in hand. He shoots a mockingbird and laughs at his work. He stands there and he boasts about his hard work of killing the mockingbird, but he is the only one laughing. A woman walks by and sees the man standing over the bird triumphantly, and walks away in disgust. A man walks forward and he sees the poor creature, basking in its false glory. A child walks by and shouts in anger, "Why would you do that?! Don't you know it's a sin to kill a Mockingbird?" The guy continues to laugh at his victory. The guy laughs until the sun sets and then he fills a chill in his spine. He looks around and becomes frightened of the dark, so he steps back. He slips on the bird, and starts screaming uncontrollably. His screams so much that he wakes all of the quiet folk awake. They stare out their window in confusion at the seemingly crazed man. The proud prince no longer boasts of his triumph, now he only screams in agony at the sight of his war. The man places his gun on the ground vertically, leans on it, and pulls the trigger. The boy from before walks towards the man, who is accompanied by the woman, and all three stare at the grim sight before them. The boy asks, "Is this what happens if you kill a mockingbird, Dad?" The father replies, "Yes, this is what happens you kill commit a sin." The mother sheds a single tear, not for the guy, but for the bird, laying there cold and forgotten. The woman cradles the bird and brings it to their house, where she buries it in the yard. "Maybe next time he'll be able to make more music." she says. The guy who laid on his gun, convulsed and apologized, then he split into as many birds as he could. But these were not mockingbirds, these were vultures. The family and the quiet folk stood and stared, they pitied the man, and the birds he feathered. Soon they heard a chirp and flutter, to which each and every vulture descended upon. They killed the mockingbird once more, and then surrounded the quiet folk who stood in fear. "See, the mockingbirds are violent creatures. You should thank us for our time, we saved you after all." The man steps forward protecting his family, "That mockingbird did nothing wrong and you know it. You vultures are the real problem. You ravage those who want to live in peace, you're scum, the lot of you."
cont.
>>8142743
The vultures stood back, crying and butchered, "Don't you know your words will hurt us?" one cried. "Don't you know you're more harm than good?" said the boy, who glared angrily at the vultures. "Everyone was fine until you showed up." exclaimed a woman in the back. "Don't mock us!" screamed one of the scavengers sobbing uncontrollably. "We need protection, not those damn birds." The vultures flew, they flocked to the right, within minutes of their crime, they were out of sight. A bird swooped down, it chirped and it pecked. It said, "That's what you get. That's what you get." The quiet folk smiled, they praised the mockingbird, and they went on with their lives, never saying a word.
What's the joke you ask?
Look in this thread and look around you.
>>8142591
That neutron was a big guy.
An old lady was feeling lonely, so she walked down to a pet shop for a new pet. She browsed the shop for some time looking at all the animals before becoming infatuated with a beautiful parrot. She bought it on the spot and took it home.
As soon as they got home the parrot starts cussing her the fuck out. Fuck you, fuck this house, you're a cunt, etc. The old lady puts up with this for some time until she gets tired of it and says, "If you curse at me one more time, I'll put you in the freezer for an hour."
The parrot looks her dead in the eye and says "eat shit", so she picks it up and whisks it into the freezer.
After an episode or two of Matlock, the lady gets up and opens the freezer door.
"Did you learn your lesson?" she asks
"Yeah," says the parrot, shivering, "But I have one question. What'd the chicken do?"
>>8142204
WE SNOKIN PENISES!!!
I heard about this thing called life ...
>>8143981
Oh, shut up.
these are terrible jokes amigos
you should all be ashamed
>>8142621
I think the point is that the audience won't get it because there's no punchline. But the psychologist says that because the kind laughed, he doesn't have autism.Therefore if you don't get it, you have autism.
Congradulations
what do you call a guy who is hated by the church but destroys evidence for them?
an abortion doctor.
How much land is livable in the newest province of Canada?
>>8138921
What about the straddling and thumb bit
>>8138903
“What did the Cockney exclaim to the cowboy from San Antonio?"
t. Pynchon
>>8144362
kek
>>8144380
don't know.
>>8138985
you laugh at it but
>he was destroyed!
is a good punchline
>>8138908
Not sure why I laughed so hard at this.
why god just make rameses good instead of making moses and his angels do all the work
>>8138904
not today anon ... not now .. pls
KNOCK KNOCK
>>8148944
> checks dubs
> leaves thread
So a guy walks into a library and asks for a book about suicide. The librarian answers "Fuck off, you won't give it back."
>>8144380
Do you mean Nunavut? It's not a really a province, it's a territory. The newest province is Newfoundland and Labrador c. 1949. A bit rocky and unforgiving but mostly livable.
Nunvat is a frozen wasteland populated mainly by Eskimos. Iqaluit, the "capital" is hardly more than village of ~6000 people and the entire territory has a population of ~30 000. Maybe global warming will make it all nice and toasty and we can colonize them all over again.
>>8149318
Populated by Inuits not Eskimos you dope. Eskimos live in Alaska.
Why are they called nun?
Because they get none.
>>8138908
>The second archer bends down, unbuckles his pants, and pushes his thumb into the first archer's mouth, while straddling him.
>"I'm going to enjoy this."
Is this your version of ending a dumb story with, "And then I found 20 bucks," or does it actually contribute to the joke in any way?
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?Roberto
Soviet peasant filled with burning desire to read for glory of Soviet Russia. One day peasant go to Soviet bookstore, and sees book with skull on cover.
He asks owner how much is book, and owner responds 80 rubles. However, owner tell peasant never read last page, or else doom shall fall upon him!
Peasant reads all book in one night, is dark book of capitalism about by evil man, John Deere, talking of automated machinery and air conditioned tractors, many horrors in book indeed!
Yet peasant does not read last page, for he has fear in his heart! One night it storms however, and the man is bored. He finally gathers up enough Soviet courage to read last page, dispelling superstition, for he has faith in the Party.
As soon as he reads last page, man gasps! Book originally 20 rubles! The owner was Jew!
>>8149682
This one really only works when told verbally, but whatever.
Did you hear the one about the Mexican magician? He said he would make himself disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos," then disappeared without a tres.
>>8149724
A Mexican goes to buy some Pepsi from a vending machine. This was back in the sixties so the Pepsi cost eighty cents. He puts in 70 by mistake, and the display says 'dime' because he needs to put in a dime. He looks around and then leans in and whispers to the machine, "quiero Pepsi."
4 men are trapped on a deserted island, after days of wandering in search of fresh water the men see a cabin appear up ahead through the heat waves. After realizing it's not a mirage, they decide to send one of the men in first to see if it is safe.
The man enters the cabin and finds it to be the home of a fat, old witch.
The man explains his situation to the witch, who in turn tells him:
"I'll give you all of the water you can drink, but you have to fuck me first."
The man grimaces, but seeing no other options agrees to do it.
The witch hops up on her table and spreads her legs, revealing a green, piss dripping, wary covered vagina.
The man feels a sport of bile rise up in his throat, and in a panic, looks around blindly for assistance and spots a plate of hot corn on the cob chilling in the windowsill.
Without as much as a second thought, the man reaches over and grabs one of the corn on the cob, and plunges it into the witch's vagina.
The witch, moans, spurts, and squirts all over the table, and the man quickly tosses the piece of corn out of the window.
The witch, in a daze, says:
"If you do that again, I'll give you a million dollars."
The man thinks "Why the fuck not?" And grabs another piece of corn on the cob and plunges it into the witches vagina until she moans, spurts, and squirts all over the table.
Again, the man tosses the piece of corn out of the window.
The witch says, "If you do that one more time, I'll give you a magic jeep you can use to fly off of the island and never return."
The man thinks to himself, "Fuck. Yes." And quickly grabs another piece of corn on the cob and plunges it into the witches vagina.
Within moments she moans, spurts, and squirts all over the table.
The man quickly throws the piece of corn out the window and bolts from the witch's cabin.
Once outside he sees his magic jeep, with a giant jug of water, and a million dollars sitting in it, but can't seem to find his three friends.
He barely had time to notice however, because just a second later his friends come running around from the side of the cabin and say:
"Man, I don't know what you were doing in there, but we just had the best pieces of corn on the cob you will ever find!"
A woman buys a parrot from the pet store, before the purchase is finalized the clerk warns her:
"Now this parrot is from a burlesque house here in town that closed down, so he might say some weird things from time to time. Are sure that's ok?"
The woman thinks about it for a second, before deciding she doesn't mind.
After getting the parrot home the bird looks at her and exclaims:
"Woo-hoo! A new Madame!"
The woman laughs it off and decides to read a magazine. Shortly thereafter the woman's two daughters arrive home from school. The parrot looks at them and exclaims:
"Woo-hoo! Two new ladies!"
The girls look at the parrot in astonishment, but after the mother explain where it's from they all just have a laugh about it. The girls then sit down at the kitchen table and tell their mother about their day at school.
While the girls are all talking the woman's husband comes through the door, returning from work. The parrot takes one look at him and says:
"Hi Frank."
>>8143619
for you
http://pastebin.com/raw/hBAfeaht
>>8149728
¿Que hace el pez?nada
>>8139084
Goddammit, this actually made me laugh out loud.
>>8149330
I know what they're supposed to be called, I just call them Eskimos because it's offensive. Like calling Indians "First Nations" seems a bit pretentious and overblown to me. I only use the politically correct terms around people I don't know that well or in polite company. At least I don't call them "Ice Niggers."
