Why is everything I write turn out pretentious? Unless I use the vocabulary of a 15 year old, it seems as though everything I write comes from a 65 year old pious asshole smoking from a cob pipe while reading his own book.
>I'm garbage
>Example below
I was born asleep. So when I woke up on February 15th, in a small, nonchalant room, which lay in an equally small, equally nonchalant home, I was confused. Little men on elongated canoes surfed the rampant waters of the walls around me, their eyes mad with greed. The pitter-patter of raindrops assaulted the rooftop above, startling me. I rolled over on the scratchy sheets, comprised of sandpaper and steel-wool, and looked around the room for a clock. There it was, taunting me. “3:24 A.M,” it murmured, “better get up.” I sighed, knowing that the luxury of sleep would evade me for what remained of the rest of the night and, surrendering myself to the outlandish throes thereof, got out of bed. The bottom of my feet rubbed against the abrasive, hole-ridden, stiff, precariously stained carpet—if you could even call it that—and my toes yelped at the sudden offense. I slowly made my way through the uncouth, depressingly—and simultaneously mortifyingly—black hallway and into the kitchen. The sudden emergence of cold, refreshing, smooth tile was auspiciously welcomed by my feet. I opened the refrigerator door, and the sudden shine of light shot my weak, tired, and feeble body onto its rear and rendered me a helpless, blind victim of the confidently bright star that illuminated my kitchen. I slowly clambered to my feet and shut the door with a vicious slam, and though it accomplished virtually nothing, I was satisfied. Groaning, I spun around and began to pace, circumventing the living room one time… two times…. three times… four times… before finally collapsing on the floor and drifting back into the inescapable realm of sleep.
>>8082860
i like it but you're still a bit clumsy around your adjective strings. should be fine by the time you're sixty.
The problem isn't your style, IMO your writing itself isn't all that bad.
The problem is that you say nothing, your work is void of meaning. In this paragraph, for example, you got out of bed, walked to the kitchen, opened the fridge, fell down because of the light (?), and got back to bed, and pretended every step of the way was somehow a grand milestone, a point of deep philosophical reflection. In reality, we know nothing new about your character after reading this, nor are we aroused to investigate further, because the emotions you try to portray are so entirely vague, exaggerated, and cliché.
Your style is excellent but like another anon said, this paragraph doesn't say anything interesting.
If you combine your style with some interesting themes I'd definitely read your work.
i mean it could be interpreted as a kind of schizoid detachment (lack of emotional commitment giving the impersonal feel and narcissism driving the grandiose and sesquipedalian expository) but I doubt that was intentional.
imo, you need to work on finding modifiers and the like that better suit the image youre trying to create without cluttering up the already choppy writing (eg, "quaint" or "unassuming" as opposed to "small, nonchalant"). find a better flow, clean it up, describe more with less, and actually have a significant event to be describing. oh and if you have to use more than one comma to list all your adjectives that affect a single object in a sentence where the object is not the subject, try that sentence again
Hey anon, I don't know if you actually think that's pretentious or if you're fishing for compliments, but it's pretty good. I feel like we write similarly, how long have you been writing for? I think I agree with other anons that its a good style but maybe just not the best paragraph you wrote (although no paragraph should be lazy), I think you just need to get to the point where every word you use is important to the whole, I think you might be feeling what a lot of new writers feel, you're writing a lot of filler, I mean there's only a little here so I can't make huge judgements, but if you keep practicing and get yourself a good editor or mentor to beat you down and build you back up a little bit you could do some good work.
>>8082860
you sound pretensious because your adjective game is weak as fuck.
your descriptions are clunky and unnecessary.
>elongated canoes
what does the adjective bring to the table that the noun doesn't already? Nothing. Canoes are long by definition. It's just clutter.
Apply that concept to every adjective in your writing and that'll help clean it up and it won't feel like you're posturing.
Stop trying to sound like a writer and just write
Sounds good, but am I the only one who is bothered by
>small, nonchalant room, which lay in an equally small, equally nonchalant home
especially
>small room [...] equally small home?
How do you conceive a part (a room) of a whole (a home) to be equal in size?
Rather than explaining how the character feels, I reckon it'd be better to show the audience WHY he feels that way
>>8082860
Because you know words but don't know when/why to use them.
Listen to Orwell-sama.
>>8083184
>>8083162
this points to a larger issue
>small, nonchalant room, which lay in an equally small, equally nonchalant home
nearly made me vomit
it's too much
You need concision.
>a small room in a small house
is miles better than your fluffy babble
Laconicism is a sign of intelligence. If it takes you forever to say anything it's not worth my time to listen to you. I can get more faster elsewhere.
>>8082860
Rooms aren't nonchalant. Inanimate objects can't be nonchalant. It's an attribute of people.
>>8083205
poor comment tbqh anon
>>8082860
>in a small, nonchalant room, which lay in an equally small, equally nonchalant home
why write all this?
>in a small room of a small house
the less you say about the room the better, that alone says it's "nonchalant" go into further detail if there is something out of the ordinary or striking.
>>8082887
I think you would love Effi Briest.
>>8083345
not bad for 18yo tbph
>>8082860
>The pitter-patter of raindrops
good lord, it hurts.
>>8082860
i'm probably even worse than you, but what the fuck is a non-chalant room?
>>8083345
Pretty impressive for an 18 year old
>>8083599
is that a website or what?
>>8083604
link is here
http://iwl.me/
but be wary if you write any sentence containing half broken prose then you'll be dropped into the James Joyce pile.
>>8083632
Thank you!
Pretentiousness is a fake problem with writing. People can be pretentious and their attitude towards writing may be pretentious, but work being pretentious is not a problem in itself, it just adds another level of cringe when the writing is otherwise bad.
Focus on improving your style don't worry about pretension
Cormac sat, surrounded by paints: brickish brackish reds and flying auburns that sang upon the walls. I am Cormac. Cormac is me, he repeated. Picking up a wider paintbrush, he began working on the petals. With the mercy of a creator, he let the two angle down softly, intertwining. Whispering to each other, he thought. He felt the wall again: it felt white. Smooth but still, little bumps dotted the ups and downs of the living room, sprawling out into his canvas. In his furious toil, his wooden palette has been corrupted: corrupted indeed! In his reds were the browns of an earth, making it murky. Salty: salty like so many oceans, swirling twirling and wet. He was enraptured by these swirls. The paints went up and down, side to side, in all the ways, laying curls and little flourishes in their wake. Paints are like water, but thicker.
He remembered eating the glue earlier this week. Mother didn’t like that, but she would like this: a rose. Her marigolds died. Her geraniums died. Her chrysanthemums died. They all died. Violet with the screened porch said the garden was cursed. It was demons: demons and hellfire killing the plants. Cormac remembered this, and wanted to give Mother a rose. He let a wayward petal flow and ascend into the ceiling.
>>8083721
This is good.
>>8083865
god bless pop the champagne!!! wahoo 4chan's gonna buy me a big fucking jet with whores and whores laden with gunpowder and crisp bills yes yes crisp bills like a deep-fried duck now yes 4chan's gonna buy me those whores on the private jet and i'm gonna fuck the jet and fuck the world and fuck myself and fuck the duck
Also OP, don't let any of this go to your head, this is the nicest criticism I've seen on here in a while, just keep practicing, make a routine and push yourself and don't be afraid to really heavily edit, you can do nice work some day just don't conflate yourself like the other thread going on about the kid who thought he was going to be Joyce and now he's unpublished 6 years later. Godspeed
>>8083721
Nice rhythms, breh. How long did this take you?
>>8082860
The key to not write pretentiously is to simply have first hand experience with what you are writing about.
Pretentious means pretended. It's a front, a sign the writer isn't being truthful or honest with their reader, is trying to impress rather than inform or delight.
Big words are fine so long as their isn't a more commonly used synonym.
>>8084360
>The key to not write pretentiously is to simply have first hand experience with what you are writing about. Pretentious means pretended.
Technically it would be more accurate to say, as in >>8082887, that first and foremost there must be intent to say something substantial, and that the more substantial what you're trying to say is, the less will your style subconsciously come off as pretentious or flowery to people.
Of course, it helps tremendously to also have first hand experience on the subject, but only because it will allow you to potentially understand it much better and therefore make your writing more substantial.
The key is still in the understanding part, not in the "le I had many visceral experience and I was a world traveller at 5" part. You can have lead the most interesting life and still be a dumb fool who can't make out shit out of any of it.
>>8083665
Okay so focus on improving my style, got it.
>>8084151
heavily edit and don't get egotistical, got it.
>>8084360
>>8084447
write about things I've actually experienced and understood, also got it.
Thanks everyone for the criticism and feedback! I'm definitely gonna use your advice in my writing henceforth.
>>8083632
Lol, I put in a part of my masters thesis and it said my style was loftcraftian.
How can a fucking room be nonchalant you goddamn dipshit
>>8084356
few hrs, but took a few years of writing to get there. i'm a pretty confident musician too, which i think helps in the 'feel' for prose. i write out loud usually. thanks for liking it!!
worship joyce, nabokov and listen to fela kuti and beethoven, your prose will be lit
