When my partner and I started up, it was long distance... and a shit storm. They were feigning to be male on the internet, I was desperate to have a "safe" boyfriend because I was heckled about being a lesbo at school despite being bisexual as far more accurate.
Turns out they were female-bodied anyway, and I vehemently denied (deny) my attraction to men to try and make my partner - lets call them Andy - more comfortable. Since I just wanted them to stop accusing me of cheating on them with at least half the human population.
So time and an emotionally volatile relationship goes on... I realize I'm trans, Andy doesn't like this but Andy also insists on only having rp/phonesex in the guise of mutually male characters... they have even said vaginas are disgusting and during in-person visits wanted nothing to do with mine. One sided sex sucks.
I'm post-op now, nearly 5 years into a marriage that has not been consummated... in-school after delays from immigration and transition and unfortunately financially reliant on Andy. Andy, who was abused as a child and has severe PTSD, is verbally abusive, would sooner jab me in the ribs than hug me, who gets snappish and cruel if I look at them "wrong"... or seemingly at all.
I'm nearly 20hours drive from family, and so starved for human contact that my wires fritz out whenever someone is just a touchy-feely sort of friend. I feel like a mess...
What do?
>>6225048
leave andy?
what else is there to do?
you may be emotionally dependant on him but that's not healthy and over time (and maybe counselling too) you'll get over it and find a better partner
being in an abusive relationship is never worth it, and especially if you haven't had sex in 5 years
if you're financially dependent on him, wait until you're financially stable to leave, unless you want to go to a shelter or something but i wouldn't recommend that unless you're being beaten every day or something but it doesn't sound like that
i really do recommend talking this over with a counselor, it will help you to work things out in your head
>>6225048
>>6225125
forgot to ask, are you mtf or ftm?
and also, couple red flags in just what you've said:
>pretending to be male and not even telling you anything about being trans
>andy having constant trust issues about you cheating to the extent you have to lie to shut him up
>not wanting you to be happy and be yourself when you came out
>emotionally volatile relationship
there's no way this can be safe
especially since you say you were desperate for a safe boyfriend, sounds like you developed an emotional need for him which got out of hand
you need to break up now and move your life forwards, he's only going to keep bringing you down
>>6225125
Thank you for replying...
I can't say I've never gotten this advice before, I guess I always hope I'll hear something else, you know? I care about Andy, and I want them to have the support they need to get through their own therapy and deal with their recent emotional breakdown and PTSD.
I also feel guilty because Andy pays for the house, the food... everything... my car is my own, my school loans are only me... but Andy bailed me out when I burned up 1K in credit debt because I was binge eating (depression).
I feel like a user, and a bad person.
>>6225177
are you happy being with him?
>>6225172
FtM
The violence isn't usually extreme, usually like pinching and digging nails in. Things I've made clear I don't like, I tend to flinch away from contact a lot now. I'm fearful of being touched even though I crave it.
Andy used to throw things, they don't anymore, I left for 6 weeks about a year into the marriage because they were smashing glassware and had the dog and I cowering against a wall.
I don't know why I cam back, they promised to get into therapy... eventually they did. I just felt like such a horrible person for leaving, hearing Andy crying on the phone.
If I vanish, Andy woke up... I don't' want to be cause talking shit about them.
>>6225185
Is anyone happy?
I've never seen a happy marriage, and I made vows... I gave my word. I don't' have much else to give.
he sounds almost more like he has a really extreme yaoi kink and like he's using that as a really extreme form of escapism
relationship sounds bad though
>>6225213
Maybe. I don't know.
>>6225203
a relationship is supposed to be a mutual thing of trust, happiness, and respect for eachother
you sound afraid of him, that's not trust
he's ignored when you said you don't like to be pinched, that's not respect
are you happy?
if not, don't let yourself fall into the trap of guilt
it's andy's fault for being shitty to you
if you want to avoid hurting him and making him feel bad, let him know all the reasons exactly why you're leaving
he may even be emotionally manipulating you to stay
i look forward to the future where you're in a safe place that you can post without being afraid
>>6225211
i can't speak for marriage, but i've been happily in a long term relationship for a few years now
the key in my experience is to be completely open with eachother and treat eachother with respect
>>6225211
>>6225243
although not to say that relationships don't take a lot of effort
everyone will have a disagreement with their partner at some point, but it's about being graceful and mature in how you handle disagreements
sometimes it might be frustrating, but at the end of the day what matters is there's a lot more good than bad that comes out of it, for both people
>>6225234
>>6225243
Emotional control is Andy's strong suite... but at the same time I can't help but feel like their assessment is accurate. I mean, if I wasn't as terrible of a person as they tell me I am I wouldn't hurt them the way I do. Hell, what if I'm just such a fucked up person that I'm ... misrepresenting Andy here too? What if I'm just crazy, or remembering it wrong. I have a terrible memory. That's how almost every disagreement ends, I misremembered it all and I'm just wrong.
>>6225048
Get out of there dude. You deserve someone who doesn't smash up your belongings, hit you, and who will actually have loving sex with you.
Your family are a long drive away, but even so perhaps they would still help you out if you contacted them and told them you needed help getting away from Andy and getting back on your feet.
>>6225260
that's really fucked up
you're not a terrible person
even if you are, then all you have to do is work on being better
but you're not, and it's plain to see andy is manipulating you
why would someone who loves you call you a terrible person over and over?
and you aren't misrepresenting andy, you're just telling us the facts and that's okay
but even just that you made this thread seems like a cry for help, you know that this relationship is a bad one
andy will be fine without you, he doesn't need you clearly, he just needs someone to abuse
don't let yourself be a puppet
>>6225272
I just hurts so bad to think of Andy like that, like a betrayal of trust and I feel so terrible that I want to throw up. Andy had a mental break down nearly two months ago, and is an utter mess. I can't just fail now, they have no one else, they've cut everyone else out of their life and have no friends, nothing...
Me feeling the way I do and wanting to bolt just proves I'm a shit person. Who could walk away when they're the only person left?
>>6225260
had this exact line of thinking to the letter in the past when i was in an abusive relationship.
you need to leave. it's not going to get better. any way you can, do it.
>>6225272
>but even just that you made this thread seems like a cry for help
It is... usually I can just keep my head up and keep walking through the mess that is my life but this past week people have been so tactile with me: friends at school more freely giving hugs and clasping my arm.
It's pathetic that I've utterly fallen apart from something so stupid. Like I just want to rip open my throat and pour out all the miserable secrets about my homelife to them... but I don't, I can't. It's like slandering Andy, and unfair... and if I said these things it would make my friends hate Andy, and if they hate Andy then Andy won't let me see them.
Then no one will sling and arm around my shoulders and laugh at my stupid jokes and I'll be alone again.
>>6225298
you've probably been carefully conditioned to think like that
a relationship is mutual
m u t u a l
if you're not happy with andy and he's been treating you like shit, you have no responsibility to stay
he will find other people.
maybe he'll be lonely for a week, but he will, you're not the last person on earth
you aren't a shit person, you're doing the right thing
even if he wanted you, he doesn't deserve you anymore at this point, you deserve way better
he will be fine, you need to cut contact with him so he isn't able to keep manipulating you
at the very most, if you want to make sure he's okay, email or text without giving him too much chance to talk and wiggle back into your life with lies
you're not a shit person for wanting to leave, he's a shit person for making you want to leave
all the things you've told me so far sound very much like he's manipulating you to feel like it's all your fault
>>6225316
you are not pathetic, worthless, weak, or a bad person
after all he's hurt you, you very well have the right to speak up about it
and andy should not be the one controlling who your friends are, he's purposefully trying to keep you isolated so you depend on him more
the minute you leave andy, you'll be free from all of this, free to recover and to make some good and healthy friendships where you're allowed to be yourself without fear
>>6225298
>they have no one else, they've cut everyone else out of their life and have no friends
No wonder he has no friends, he sounds awful to be around so they got the fuck away from him.
>>6225316
>It's like slandering Andy, and unfair
It's only slander if he HASN'T done all of things you described. Then it's just The Truth.
>>6225344
I don't know if I can even leave though.
As an immigrant I don't think I can stay in the country. Rent is expensive as fuck here, and all my friends are poor-ass college kids. When i cam back after running off with the dog, Andy insisted we get a second dog (who Andy terrorizes while now babying the older dog)... I can't afford to take both with me but what if Andy hurts the older one if I leave him behind?
Andy keeps pushing for a third dog, probably realizes it's the best hook left. Gods...
>>6225383
would your family be able to help you out?
you're more important than the dogs, but it's andy's fault if he hurts them, not yours
if you can manage to save as many as you can from him, then that's good enough
>>6225385
I don't really trust myself to try that... Andy always finds out. I'm glad they're more of a Reddit-reader than a chanfag.
>>6225395
They helped me that last time... but I've burdened them enough.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
My marks are slipping, and I just wish I could sink face first into someone else for a day.
Thank you guys for hearing me out on all this.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
>>6225449
best of luck, then
although maybe just letting your family know what's going on would be good, i think it's up to them to decide if/how they want to help you (don't have to ask for a place to stay or anything, just tell them what's happening and see if they offer help, you aren't being pushy or a burden then)
post again here sometime with a follow up if things work out, i'll be rooting for you
>>6225498
I appreciate everything you've been doing.
Sorry for being such a downer and pantywaist.
I like my school, and the city I live in now... and I'd hate to start all over again by leaving.
Which is a selfish and stupid thing to say.
I can't say how much I'd check this email... but I set up a proton mail... [email protected]
Pseudonym, obviously
>>6225528
it's okay, offering help and advice is something i enjoy doing, it helps me get my mind off my own problems sometimes, and i really would like to see things turn out well for you
i'll email you so you have my address
please just do one thing for me though, stop talking so negatively about yourself.
from now on, don't call yourself something if it would be rude to say that to a friend.
you're better than you realize, and talking like that will just bring you down.
>>6225560
Thank you.
That praise is unwarranted, but thank you none the less.
