>rest of society is going about their lives
>I spend hours upon hours everyday just sitting in my room trying desperately to distract myself from my own thoughts
>passive thoughts of suicide constantly creeping in
>have an existential crisis at least once a day
>want a boyfriend
>think about having a boyfriend, it sounds awful
>still desire intimacy
>doesn't even matter how I feel about it since I'll literally never have anyone that cares about me
>don't really want people to care about me unless they fit my oddly specific standards
When you're mentally ill beyond any reasonable repair, are you obligated to kill yourself? When you know you've reached a point where no matter how hard you try there's no feasible way for you to be a functioning member of society, is it immoral to continue taking up space? There are so many worse people, and they continue to take up space. So I guess I should be allowed too as well. But I should also hold myself to higher standards than those shitty people.
But killing myself could ruin the lives of other people, and that would be much more immoral than simply being a waste of space. I'm so fucking bored.
If you're trans, it really honestly does get better
If you're just gay, go see a psychiatrist, start exercising and get a job
Hey, OP, if you need to talk, I'm here. You remind me a lot of someone who was very special to me.
>>5215205
I saw a psychiatrist
He told me I was probably a schizoid or something, then told me to go to school. That was pretty much it. I went to school then stopped going to school.
Now I'm trying to get onto HRT as a last ditch effort to save my mind from spiraling into insanity, or just simply killing myself.
>>5215222
Talking to anonymous strangers over the internet is unfortunately the only thing keeping me in touch with reality these days. I wish I had real friends.
>>5215243
Why do you have these feelings, Anon? First of all, tell me: are you gay? A trans? I'm afraid that I don't know too much about the tranny thing, so you must forgive me if I use the wrong terminology at first, or sound too blunt - I don't mean offense.
And it's alright: I won't give you normie-tier answers. I myself am in a bad state. Every day I feel empty and despondent; I don't really have a reason for living anymore.
>>5215243
I can't believe he wouldn't at least prescribe anti depressants. Also, the whole idea behind being schizoid is that you're fine not associating with other people. It's rarely actually formally diagnosed because it's not actually a problem for a lot of people who have it.
Since you brought up HRT I'm gonna assume you're trans? Transitioning is hard and it does not solve all of your problems, but I can guarantee you if your trans that having the right hormones in your veins and being able to express your true self will make you feel a hundred times more at ease
>>5215252
Prolonged social isolation likely caused my issues. I don't know what I am. I plan to transition, or attempt to transition, but I don't think that necessarily classifies me as transgender. I'm just doing it because I can.
I'm attracted to men because I'm passive. I could be attracted to women just as easily but I figure they tend to play the passive role so it wouldn't work out. But I also don't know how I would react or deal with a relationship or any kind of intimacy with a man or woman. When I think very hard about it I feel like it would just make me uncomfortable and I'd rather be left alone. My desires are very contradicting.
I'm lonely and clearly not very happy, so I naturally assume not being lonely would probably make me happy. I'm very open minded about a lot of things, or at least I like to think I am. But meeting people has been very difficult.
>>5215278
He didn't really diagnose me. Just said I was somewhere in that sort of personality cluster. I'm generally pretty bad at opening up to people and being completely honest about what's going on in my head, because frankly it's hard enough to put onto paper let alone come up with it on the spot. I spoke to him quite a few months ago as well, and my state of mind changes radically on a weekly basis. A few months ago suicide would be the most absurd and pathetic thing I could think of, now I still have those opinions but the thoughts are out of my control.
I don't know if I'm trans but like you said, if I am then HRT should make me feel better, and if it doesn't then no real harm done anyways so whatever.
>>5215305
I'm sorry if the question strikes you as odd, but, are you from Missouri?
And I don't think you should transition - that sentence "I'm just doing it because I can" tells me that, really, that's not where your problem lies.
Is your name 'Sketch'?
>>5215305
>I don't know if I'm trans but like you said, if I am then HRT should make me feel better, and if it doesn't then no real harm done anyways so whatever.
Might wanna think this through more then, HRT if you aren't trans is just going to make you feel worse. Do you have any reason to think you're transgender? If it's just a "eh why not I'm miserable anyway" thing then you're probably making a mistake
Also I suggest writing in a diary. I find it very cathartic and you obviously have a lot to write about
>>5215316
>And I don't think you should transition - that sentence "I'm just doing it because I can" tells me that, really, that's not where your problem lies.
I've stopped bothering to question it and just decided to do it and see if it's something I want to stick with. It stems a bit further beyond "lol i just want do do it fuq it yolo" but I don't really care enough to talk about it or question it anymore since I've already spent years doing that. I want to do it and that's enough justification for me.
>I'm sorry if the question strikes you as odd, but, are you from Missouri?
>Is your name 'Sketch'?
No, if my name was Sketch I probably would have already killed myself.
>>5215319
I usually just make posts like these to get things off my chest, kind of like writing a diary except more interactive. I feel like if I wrote a diary I would have to censor my thoughts in anticipation of someone someday reading it.
>>5215349
>I feel like if I wrote a diary I would have to censor my thoughts in anticipation of someone someday reading it.
That is literally the exact opposite of the purpose of a diary
>>5215349
You remind me a lot of my ex, you see.
Most of the things you said are things he said to me. Right down to the being passive (despite being a hulking, bear of a man) and the wanting to perhaps transition (which he brought up early in the relationship, but I told him he was perfect as a man - he said he wouldn't do it, but he'd still like to wear lingerie and accessories like that). Now you've made me sad, Anon, because I really wanted him to stay with me, and even nine months since he broke up with me, I'm not over him.
Tell me about your situation, if you don't mind. Do you work? Live alone? Your family?
Also, if I were anywhere close to you, I'd give you a hug and maybe a kiss :3
>>5215370
I live with my mother, I'm a recluse and have been for a few years.
Thankfully I'm not much of a hulking man so there's a sliver of a chance I might just pass as a girl, but probably not.
I'm on the opposite side of the continent from missouri.
>>5215354
I would still end up doing it regardless. Either through building up a character for myself or through sheer paranoia, it would happen.
>>5215396
So, you are not from N. America? The antipode of Missouri is around the Indian ocean around Australia... Are you from Australia?
How old are you?
Do my questions bother/annoy you?
>>5215405
Opposite side of the continent, not the planet. I'm from western Canada.
I'm 18
Not at all. I make woe is me threads for attention.
>>5215420
>Not at all. I make woe is me threads for attention.
confirmed woman, get those titty skittles
>>5215420
Anon, you're really young. You have so much time to start over. Trust me, I'm 21, and I can tell you those three years are long, but at the same time, you can use them to have a fresh start.
Why do you live with your mother? What happened to your father? Also, I don't think you should transition - I bet you're pretty handsome as a male :33
>>5215427
Crap, I don't do that. I'm not trans afterall huh?
>>5215427
On it, boss!
>>5215435
My parents are separated. I've been told I'm relatively good looking, but that doesn't do me much of any good.
I don't know what you mean by start over. The whole point of being a shutin is so I can indulge in excessive amounts of escapism to distract myself from self-destructive thoughts.
I occasionally attend a class a few times a week just to get out of the house, but that's about it. And even just being there for an hour or two a week is pretty damn insufferable.
>>5215468
Let me see you, then :33
And you don't have any dreams? Even loser NEETs can have dreams - doesn't matter how stupid. I know I had them, when I was a NEET, and I have them even now, when I have this shitty job with no future. I doubt I'll ever get where I want, but I make some semblance of trying.
>>5215485
My dream is to have someone incredibly interesting and eccentric whisk me away into a life of excitement and save me from myself.
I'm sure if I'm patient enough and continue doing nothing all day eventually it will come true.
>>5215513
You have to post a picture, Anon, I want to see you :33
Also, I can't tell if you're mocking me.
>>5215524
That's legitimately my dream. I mostly just mock myself with self-deprecation.
I don't care enough to send my picture to someone unless I'm meeting them in real life or something.
>>5215535
Everything you say reminds me of him. I still think you're just him pretending to be someone else in order to hurt me more.
>>5215243
>Talking to anonymous strangers over the internet is unfortunately the only thing keeping me in touch with reality these days. I wish I had real friends.
that hit a little too close to home
>>5215590
Why would you chase after someone with totally distorted hopes for their future?
I'd live a life for two if someone were to drag me out of loneliness, but to expect that in our relationship is a turn-off.
Very few who think like that are any fun to deal with and try as you might, they'll likely just be passive forever. So passive, they want you to show them the world, but if you actually try you'll end up running against a wall.
>>5215590
Sorry to open old wounds.
>>5215609
I should have pushed more about depression and anxiety when seeing a psychiatrist so I could just drown my sorrows in drugs, fuck. I used to be so anti drug but now that I'm running out of escapism I need a new outlet.
>>5215632
>Very few who think like that are any fun to deal with and try as you might, they'll likely just be passive forever. So passive, they want you to show them the world, but if you actually try you'll end up running against a wall.
You're very right. It's selfish and people like myself want to be carried through life without putting in any real effort.
I do my best to be as self-aware as possible about my faults.
>>5215176
If only that pic was possible......... :(
>>5215176
you're depressed anon
>>5215176
>>5215243
This is something I'm going through right now, although I'm also paranoid and borderline so it's impossible for me to actually keep a stable relationship in any degree. I've given up on finding someone compatible at this point, I'm far too hyper and clingy to not be a burden to most people.
The most frustrating part about it is that if I actually passed and looked somewhat decent I would have the modicum of confidence I need to push past everything and actually be happy.
Life sucks ass desu ;_;
>>5215176
where do you live?
So avoidant personality dissorder threat? I can relate....
Even though I consider myself straight, but this board is the closest thing 4chan has to "someone nice"
What dicks me around is they're keeping you down.
And somewhere someone knows who's writing this: they deserve to die as much as they expect it to be said (rather than anywhere else). Well, everyone deserves to die. But they fear death, so fuck em.
OP, consider mental illness. How long have you been at it? Maybe it's time to seek treatment. Or have you been lucky enough to receive treatment?
Well, it's a great fortune, but I often wonder if it's not 100% racket. But it's important to try and see, so long as you don't get dosed to all fucking hell with stuff that clearly kills all emotion.
Judging by your op, maybe that's already happened. Though motivation even towards death is usually heavily suppressed then.
I myself am gifted with harpies. I wasn't going to come back here today, but fuck, I guess I at least have a clue why it is I come here. So your thread connects, you know. I'm past the point of applying morality or ethics to suicide - overpopulation, wastes of space, whatever else... all these questions of human value are bullshit. Nothing you ever do will ever mean shit, so live free. Or die and be free if that's what you want. I used to think the air I breathed was wasted. But a job? Friends? Intimacy? Whatever you value now and don't have, it's all chemicals in the brain. That's not to say you shouldn't want these things, but their meaning should be their value to you and not anybody else who tries to tell you how worthless you are for your course.
So, these harpies, again. I don't know if you have them, but I've got to relate my shit. Fucking whine all day, scream all night. Oh, and labor, which is a lie. The labor I put down to try and labor more when I'm under-labored has got to compare to the black asphyxiating light of eternal work that these harpies suffer through only to let out their breath in the form of neurotic shrieks. I can't breathe either, you cunts. Look at these strong women and stronger men and tell me they aren't all insane.
We all have ups and downs. For me it social interaction. Sometimes I got realy fired up and go socialize just to be turned down and get realy depressed about it. Ive tryed (and still trying) online dating. Ive send hundreds of messages and got no answers or get answers just to be turned down after that.
Ive been like this my whole life. Since my first "real" girlfriend rejected (and cheaten on) me. Since then I desperately want to be with someone but when I eventualy im, I broke up with them just so they dont broke up with me. So its several years of loneliness and few months of having someone to be with. Rinse and repeat.
I also cant stand selfimage people put on when they are online, you know what I mean - only pretty things get shared, facebooked and instagramed. So I have this feeling that everyone is happy and better then me, Tinder included (I dont want my profile picture taken on exotic vacation, or photoshoped beyond all recognition or cool as fuck).
Ive been thinking about suicide, but now Im just passive and spend my days doing nothing at all(except my job, few minutes of excersise and ocasional boardgame or mtg evening).
English is not my first language so sorry for my grammar.
I'm the same, OP. I could have written that post myself.
I sit here droning on every day constantly shifting between just existing and wanting to die. I can't enjoy anything anymore, there isn't a waking moment where I don't feel completely hopeless. I don't think I'll ever be happy with myself, I have no friends whatsoever, no one loves me or needs me in their life. I have no job, work experience or education; I dropped out of highschool.
I am so far away from living life and being happy, and I don't see anything ever getting better.
I'm so disgusted with my life up until now, I just feel like I've been living out someone else's life stuck inside their body and I want to escape and go back to the real me.
>>5221126
Western Canada
>>5222401
>Even though I consider myself straight, but this board is the closest thing 4chan has to "someone nice"
That's interesting, but yeah this board is probably the only place to have a half-decent conversation about life problems and such.
>>5222517
I feel like it's too difficult for me to get attached enough to care if someone cheated on me or slept with other people. But I've never experienced a relationship so I really have no clue just how attached I can be towards another person. It's a little scary not knowing that.
>>5222711
>I have no friends whatsoever, no one loves me or needs me in their life. I have no job, work experience or education; I dropped out of highschool.
Literally me
>I just feel like I've been living out someone else's life stuck inside their body and I want to escape and go back to the real me.
Literally me
A lack of any identity is a big issue for me. Even hearing people call me by my name is very surreal and uncomfortable for me because for the last few years all of my social interaction has been entirely anonymous.
Here's to hoping transitioning will magically solve all my problems.
>>5215176
You know what.. I feel exactly the same. I have even tried to kill myself...but you know, suicide is meaningless too, just as living...So, I thought fuck it...motherfukkaas...let's just see what happens..I am not killing myself.
The thumbnail looked like a grill riding a boyo
I am dissapointed
If you wish to kill yourself then do so. Ignore the idiots saying everything gets better because they are flat out wrong. There's nothing good in this reality. All that awaits you is more sadness. Nothing anyone wishes for ever comes to fruition in this world. This worlds meaningless. Think of death as a rest, a freedom from this hellish reality.
>>5233952
Do you need to talk about something, Hamlet?
>>5233957
No. This is just a statement of truth. There's absolutely nothing good in this reality. There's no hope anywhere in this world. Not even being edge either so don't try to dismiss my point with that shit. This world is a failure. There's death, war, disease, murder, rape, suffering and sadness. People are constantly losing things, constantly depressed. This world is a world of suffering and loss. Just two days ago 80 people got murdered, they had to suffer in agony for a time. Now the ones left behind are suffering too. I'll say it one last time there's nothing good in this world.
>>5233994
>80
More than that, actually.
>>5233994
Things weren't always this way, anon.
>>5234033
Yes they were. This worlds always been a failure and I feel bad for every single baby born into this terrible world. Personally my lifes not all too bad but I feel bad for every single human who has to suffer. This is just a terrible failure of a reality. There's no need for it to be like this. Suffering and death don't accomplish anything.
If you're legitimately this much of a faggot (as well as being an actual faggot), yeah, do the world a favor and kill yourself.
>>5233994
take meds. depression is not a joke
Transitioning won't save you, OP. You'll still be schizoid in a world that is absolutely not designed for us. Life will become more bearable as you get older, if only for the fact that you'll start to give less and less of a shit about the things that claw at your mind. You'll slowly come to terms with the fact that the intimacy you crave is not going to happen any time soon and realistically may not ever happen, but even when you've become numb to that it will still be there, gnawing away at your core.
Regarding suicide: if you really want to be dead you'll make it happen, regardless of whose lives you think you could ruin by doing so. I've been where you are and while the latter half of your greentext still holds true for me (and probably always will), life does get better in that it becomes less bad. But I doubt it will ever be anything near good; "okay" seems to be the limit.
Do what you feel is best for yourself, whatever that may be.
>>5235900
judgy people is a downside. downgraded employability is a downside. it suxxx and it shouldn't be like it is, but it do, you feel me. it is a hard thing to do for those reasons therefore u should make sure u really want 2 do it. as with any big life thing. tattoos. marriages. the like. b careful
not participating in society does not make u a bad person. being useless is not ur fault. I, too am depressed and one thing that I like to do that makes me feel better, is to Blame Capitalism. money is a drug and when u dont have it u feel bad. at the same time, it's hard af to get, because the economy's broken, it's rigged against people who are different, AND the robots are coming to take all the jobs anyway. idk if ur poor but desu it is hard to be poor and NOT depressed (unless u live in a progressive socialist country that actually takes care of people instead of milking them for labor and leaving them for dead.)
statistical fact: money is the key to happiness. statistical fact: you're likely to make more money as u get older. Stick it out, Might as well, Only get 1 shot at it anyway
>>5215176
i don't come here to 4chan but i'm gonna post this anyways, i would love to kill myself as well, i really really want to die, especially because it seems like it's impossible to find him, but you should realize who we are, and killing is not right, weather it be someone or yourself, i don't know about hell or how exactly it is but i know that you won't get what you want by doing this, and you won't like being there, good chance you'll stay like that and not get up like that as your picture describes, would be nice right? to have everything you want after killing yourself, afterall there's pretty much nothing beautiful here in reality and everything is just worthless, just like others have said here, this is reality, we are living in death, we're not really "living" here
though i don't want to link it yet, i like how this little thread was put up so, here's my profile if anyone is interested, i had to put it in the picture since it didn't let me post with it (i'm a tranny btw)
