I already know I’m gonna be called out for AGP, but fuck it! I’ve been trans and on HRT for about two years now, and recently I’ve had this burning desire to detransition. I’m almost 20, bi, still live in probably the most feminine boimode ever, and currently and constantly have it rubbed in my face by my “friends” that they are all in relationships and are able to fuck whenever. I used to be the “Chad” of my group/entire high school until I came out. Now any girl that I had ever liked pretty much won’t touch me or just thinks of me as a cute gay, that’s expected though, so no surprise there. I always had really low self esteem and thought that transitioning would shut up my small crossdressing fetish which only consisted of wearing tights, I hated everything else, as well as being my only way at ever finding love. I also always felt like girls felt threatened by me and hated me as well, I hated this feeling so I thought this would help get rid of that too. Again though, until I came out was quite the contrary. This realization got completely fucked after I came out only to find out that I was the “Chad” of my high school even though no girl had ever given me a sign, I’m fucking clueless with that shit. For the past 3 months I had been crushing on my “friend” who came out as bi around Christmas this year and felt like if I ever had a chance with anyone it would be him. He was the “neckbeard type”, but was always extremely nice to me as in he always got stuff for me, always invited me to hang out with him just the two of us, and was probably the only one in our group who stood up for me. He fucked up because whenever the girl he was seeing would ignore him he’d want me around, but then when they were talking I’d get thrown to the side. I’m not sure what came over me, but it was like I was in a literal trance to just “get it in me” already. My wish was granted and on the 4th we we’re both trashed and alone.
>>6532220
He came onto me and instead of me going for it I felt fucking disgusted. I looked at myself seriously for the first time and was like “WTF AM I DOING, I LIKE GIRLS, THIS KIDS FUCKING GROSS”. He ended up giving up on me after I walked away and came on to our straight friend at which point we carried him up to his bed and told him to cut it with the gay shit. I know I’m terrible for giving him a reason to have feelings, but the amount of times he blew me off plus the other shit he did to me before my transition more than makeup for this. All that aside the next day I felt this relief come over me as if the losers that kept telling me I was trash were actually worse off than I was. It dawned on me that half the time they talk about their feelings and pop punk and shit, but when I wanna do my hair before we go out I’m the fag. Half the time in the car with them is spent skipping certain songs on their Spotify list because it reminds them of a girl or it will make them cry. When the fuck did this pussy shit become the norm. I understand having those feelings once in a while, but every fucking day is ridiculous. Anyways one of my friends from Florida who I hadn’t talked to in a year contacted me, he still sees me as “Chad”. I ended up ignoring my “friends” all week, and my other friend and I have pretty much been spending the week chatting on Skype and doing design work and playing vidya together. I feel like I’m finally talking to someone who has the same interests as me and I’ve felt like a normal fucking person like I used to. The dysphoria has pretty much been very little to non existent, and I haven’t had any gay feeling towards him. I’ve even gotten my libido back a bit and enjoy watching female porn again.
>>6532223
Between a combination of picking up my old hobbies, keeping myself busy, being looked at as a MAN again, and talking to people I actually have a connection with instead of “friends” I constantly feel I have to act a certain way around, I’m finally starting to feel like a guy again and I couldn’t be happier. I guess my problem runs into the fact that I’m scared to go back to being a man and that I won’t be able to ever be back to the way I was originally, all mentality differences aside. I’ve made this big deal about transitioning and I know that I won’t be looked at as completely male ever again. I also have to readjust to the life of being male again so I can quit the walking, voice, and mannerisms that I’ve forced onto myself so heavily. It also kinda freaked me out a bit that I asked my sister if she’d ever want me to be her brother again, and she told me she liked having an older sister more which made me feel even shittier. I feel like I’m being forced to stay a woman even though I’m not one. I also recently quit my job and have a new opportunity at a new place awaiting me, my decision now is to show up as a man or woman. I need advice. What do /lgbt/?
Fuckin' AGPs.
I'm not 100% sure why you decided to transition in the first place but if it wasn't from dysphoria this was always going to happen. You don't decide to transition because you think you'd be better as a girl or happier or because life would be easier, if that was your motivation then you were doomed to fail from the start.
You transition because your only options given to you to escape the dysphoric nightmare that is your life are either being a tranny with a slim shot at being happy one day or becoming an hero.
If you did do it for legit reasons then this relief you're feeling from de transitioning will fade and you'll be back at square one, just like every other time you've ever repressed it.
Anyway all the best and I hope you find a way to be happy.
God fucking dammit. You literally had no fucking reason to transition. You are the reason trans-people constantly get so much shit. Sterilizing yourself and feminizing your body isn't just something you do on a whim. You literally put zero thought into your transition.
Thanks for being another detransition statistic so bigots can hold it up high and say, "see! look how awful transitioning is." You're irresponsible actions ultimately hurt real transgender people in the long run.
Have you considered killing yourself?
>>6532341
I didn't feel dysphoria though until I started my transition though and it wasn't until this time that my repression effort has actually worked explain that?
>>6532358
Sounds like you were making your dysphoria up to justify your transition.
>>6532368
I never had it originally because before I came out and found 4chan and the rest of the community I had no concept of what passing was, I felt my body was feminine enough, obviously that delusion didn't last long and that's what gave me my dysphoria. I'd stop my hormones for a week before caving in after my body hair would grow back a little and my acne would startup again it would freak me out.
>>6532341
You do realize btw that if I was never truly trans to begin with that wouldn't make me part of the detransition statistic? That is reserved for trans people that couldn't live with being trans or couldn't "handle it". I'd probably be considered some sexually confused fuck atmost. Maybe try thinking your shit through before putting some laughing gif of a bitch that doesn't even have enough sense to use her eyeliner correctly and make normal wings instead of that monstrosity.
>>6532358
You needed to feel dysphoric in order to justify your actions to yourself. You created your own dysphoria because you wanted a reason to transition. Your repression is working because you've snapped out of it finally. You were an idiot (this is indisputable) but take this opportunity to move on with your life. Just keep quiet about it please and don't go telling the news trying to cash in or look for sympathy, we don't need more mentally ill people making us look worse than we already do.
>>6532384
Yeah definitely that's what I'd love to do is tell the whole fucking town that I used to dress like a girl. Most def on my to do list. Doesn't even read >>6532382 I didn't created the dysphoria I simply didn't know it could exist. Does anyone ever give a decent answer to this shit. Go on 4chan get run out of town, go on reddit have a bunch of hons tell you it's your destiny. No wonder we're looked at as crazy people.
>>6532397
"We" you are not one of us. Count it as a blessing. We have real dysphoria the kind that profoundly hurts for decades all the way back to childhood. Why did you ever think it was a good idea for you to transition?
>>6532397
Your first mistake was to go to 4chains or leddit, every thing else was a train wreck.
Now you need to identify what the base reason for your transition was, was it AGP, was it "grass is greener on the other side syndrome", or is it something more serious, talk to a psychologist, get some outside help.
Also go with your first instinct, if you have to think about it for one iota then its not an instinctual response.
BTW your "friends" sound like ultra meme tier fags, i.e. they are gay or bi because it gives them the illusion of being special, different, cool, or whatever high school kids buy into these days.
Besides nothing is as bad as it first seems, take the fact (it seems so) that you've been living full-time for at least a while now, i'm sure that wasn't as hard as it seemed to be (or was it).
>>6532431
So having spent nights as a preteen praying that I'd get to wake up a girl the next day doesn't count as dysphoria, or the fact that my mother told me after I came out that on multiple occasions as a kid I asked to dress as a girl. The fact that when I did learn what dysphoria was I realized that I did have it the first time I was dressed as a girl around my "friends" and realized that no matter what I will never be looked at the way they looked at other girls in our group and then proceeded to go home and cry about it. I mean what's the definition of dysphoria then? Dysphoria is a fucking curse that follows you to bed and is there when you open your eyes first thing. That's fine btw this community is fucking crazy when it comes to anyone ever throwing up a question of doubt, god forbid anyone here ever think there's a way out of this other than transitioning.
>>6532443
I've been to 5 therapists, and 2 different doctors that specialize in HRT I've given up on professionals. I appreciate the decent words of support though. Somewhat gives me hope that 4chan isn't complete shit.
I don't understand why you're here or what you want us to say. Your situation sucks and there's nothing anyone can do to help you. There's no advice to give because of just how rare it is to genuinely de transition without realizing it was a mistake and starting again. If you're dysphoria is eased by taking hrt but presenting male then awesome, if stopping hrt helps then do that. Seriously dude just do what makes you happy because no one else can do it for you.
nigga i am not reading your latest novel
ernest boringway go away my man
>>6532382
>some laughing gif of a bitch that doesn't even have enough sense to use her eyeliner correctly and make normal wings instead of that monstrosity.
lmao transsexuals are a mess
>>6534509
>mfw im not tryna write a novel but get a fucking answer because no matter how many times ive presented this case no one can seem to give me some sort of explanation or definitive answer
>>6534580
Sounds like you should just stop taking female hormones and dress like a man, dude. It's that easy.
Be sure to taper your dosages off so you don't get a blood clot and die. Also, you may never have children now, congrats.
>>6532226
Sounds convoluted. Also like you've gotten to a place where you're at least mostly comfortable with your body but have discovered that being a boymode trans girl doesn't actually bring you any joy.
You're right that no one will see you the same way again, but try to live consistently with how you see yourself all the same. Your sister may like the brother her sister becomes more than she liked the brother who became her sister, for all you know. If feeling right means being a manly man with boobs and hips, then see where that takes you. If it turns out you hate being a manly man-man, you can just call it a butch phase and try something else. If it turns out you hate having a girl-bod under your man-persona you can ditch the E2 and T will clear everything but the breasts and hips up in a couple years at most.
You seem hyper-focused on this "Chad" thing, though. Despite it never having been something you applied to yourself, you bring it up constantly in your blog post. Why does it matter?
>>6534629
I like being a manly man but no one takes you seriously if you look like a girl and talk about how you'd fuck that girl or want to go on a snowboarding trip, etc. When you say you can handle carrying something by yourself, or can take care of an issue. I'm constantly doubted even though I usually go above and beyond what is required. I'm so hyper focused on the "Chad Thing" because imagine having a million dollars your entire life, but you don't know you have it. You constantly struggle to make ends meet and it's not until you get that great job that helps you pay the bills and then some that you discover you've had this money all along. It feels like a lot of the time I could've lived the life I wanted to, had a nice gf, a nice job, etc. Instead of waiting that extra year when I discovered that I actually wasn't as shitty as I thought I was, I decided to come out instead because I felt at that point I had nothing to lose. Instead though I lost pretty everything other than my family. Now I'm a tranny who spends her days feeling miserable. It scares the fuck out of me because I feel like I'm running out of time before I reach a point where none of this is reversible and no matter who I go to I can't get a single answer out of anyone. I work a dead end job now, barely make it through school so I can have a paper that says I'm not completely retarded, and spend any free time I have doing research on how the fuck to escape this life.
>>6534758
Try to relax. Your career is not very dependant on your looks, so nothing to worry about if you take either way.
Also, your sexual orientation has nothing to do with how you look either. You can still like girls.
So you want to be manly now. Are you sure you won't want to be femenine when you're manlier again? You need to really think this through.
It also seems like your friends suck.
I would also advise to reconsider being with a guy, try someone else. The guy you were going to do it with sounded like shit and no wonder you didn't want to do anything, so you did well on that.
Just look at yourself now (not 10 years in the future, now) and decide if you're ok and you can do what you want as you are.
You're letting how others see you control what you do to your body. Take control (of what can be controlled).
